Dedication: To that Irish Chick (Elaine Martin)
Summary: Everything needs a resolution, even the Grudge, which apparently doesn't have one.

-Kelly Smith

Resolution

Chapter 1: Recap

POV: Faith.

Nothing’s ever easy right? Life never came with a set of instructions, no easy to read manual, no; Fix slot A into slot B, slip in screw C and live happily ever after. Cos I know I screwed slot A, slot B… and I’m pretty sure I got slot C covered too, and I sure as hell ain’t living happily ever after.

But then maybe I should just be happy that I’m living.

I cut it close a couple of times, danced my ass straight up to the door marked ‘death’, rang the bell and waited. And waited. Seems death didn’t want me though. Not a whole lot of surprise there… I’m the poster child for not wanted, ya know. Death just chewed me up, spat me out, and told me to get the fuck on with it. So I’m here. Getting on with it.

Bet ya wondering where here is right? I’m getting to that, don’t worry.

Yesterday ‘here’ was L.A. City of Angels. My Angel at least. I served my few months sentence like the good girl I’m not. Playing with others was never my strong suit, and sticking me in Juvie with a bunch of little jumped up gang bangers was never gonna bring about my caring and sharing side. I made it through though. I thanked my lucky stars that I never got charged for no murders, and dreamt about the day that I could start to make it right. Cos I do wanna make it right. I want to try to.

The day I was released into Angel’s care was the day I had earmarked as my salvation. The day when I could finally shed my dark past and get on with living the light. Two fights with Angel later and I was upside down in some strangers bed getting the shit fucked out of me whilst throwing up the best part of a bottle of JD. What can I say..? Old habits die hard?

I wasn’t proud though. I was sick. Sick of all of it. Sick of being me.

I slunk back to Angel’s the next day, I must’ve sure looked a picture… even Cordy glared at me more in disgust then in fear. I dunno? Maybe that was a step up?

But that day was really the start of my salvation, the day I lost it in front of all of them. I just cried. I didn’t know what else to do. No one was TELLING me what to do, and I just didn’t know anymore. I don’t think they really knew at first either. Cordy was all for evisceration, I was all for agreeing. Angel was firmly in the ‘NO’ column. And as for the others? I never found out. Seems Angel gets the casting vote round here. Lucky ol’ me.

He let me wallow in my own shit for a couple of days, crying crap over all the things I had done, everything I was gonna do, how I was gonna make it up to everyone, a new me. Then just as I let myself get used to the comfort of his voice he ripped me from my sweat soaked sheets on the bed and told me to get the hell on with it. Told me the world wasn’t sat waiting for my apologies, it was still turning, life was still going on and there were people who needed me.

Yeah. I laughed too. Needed me? I don’t fucking think so.

He scowled a bit, all brooding menace, then he called me self-centred, may have used the word bitch. He said I lived my life like I thought the world ‘owed me something’. I figure he was right. I did feel like I got dealt a pretty shitty hand and damn right it pissed me off that I couldn’t just call ‘bum deal’ and start all over again. I DID get to call him a few new words I’d learnt in Juvie. And then he turned around and walked out on me.

It hurt worse then any blow he could have struck.

This was Angel. He NEVER gave up on me. Always saw that little bit extra that no one else had ever wanted. But now he as well was walking away. Turning his back to me. I figured I had two choices. I chose life. I got showered, I changed, I made my way down the stairs and I uttered my first apology. It wasn’t accepted. Not the first time. Cordy left the building muttering loudly about psycho’s and life insurance. Wes was too busy taking deep breaths to do much of anything else. Angel though, he smiled. Gave me a nod of his head and sent me out to kill two demons which had been causing havoc down at the harbour.

It was an easy kill. I had months of pent up fight in me just itching to go all ‘Ultimate Warrior’ on these guys, and slaying again? I felt like I had turned into a fucking cry baby. I just couldn’t help it. I ripped the last ones head off, collapsed amongst the oozing grey matter and let it all out. I didn’t even know why I was doing it… I mean, I won! And kinda easily as well. But then it made sense. THIS was what I was, who I was. The chosen girl in all the world. And I had turned my back on that. I shit all over it. But here I was, being allowed to try again, allowed to be a slayer.

At that moment it just about meant everything to me.

A couple of months later, Angel told me that he had followed me that night. To protect me if I needed it, to protect others if I lost it. He said that it was the moment that he became absolutely sure that I would make it. Had faith in me. I didn’t always share his confidence, but he had more then earned my trust, so I let myself believe him. Just a little.

When news of B’s death came, it was… a shock? Yeah. That’s right. A shock.

Well what do you want to hear? That I was struck down by an insurmountable grief? That I had always loved her? That a little piece of me had felt like it died right along with her?

Whatever.

Ya see the thing was that Buffy had already killed me. There wasn’t nothing left of me to die with her, cos I’d died for her a thousand times already. Sometimes, if I was lucky, it was just once a night, usually though it was more. And I knew what it all meant. I carried it around with me every minute of every fucking day, it was in the tired slump of my shoulders and the bloodshot red of my eyes. My burden to bear. My secret proof that no matter what Angel said, what anybody said, it could never be right. She would never forgive me.

So no. I didn’t cry when she died. I got the first proper nights sleep I’d had in ages. I slept like a baby. Funny thing is, I didn’t wake up feeling refreshed though. What a joke right? Without B now haunting my dreams at night, I just felt… I don’t know? Alone. Yeah. Like really. Alone.

Angel went to shit for a bit, but then what do you expect? He loved her. Loved her properly. I kept my head down. I really was ‘the only girl in all the world’ now and I was determined to make it count, to make me count. To do my share and hers. I even offered to go to the Hellmouth and help out there. Not a chance!!

I didn’t really expect one, but I had had to offer. I understand why they didn’t want me there, especially at that point. And then along came the crazy twist in the tale. Maybe the sting in it. They brought her back.

Yeah. It freaked me out too. I didn’t know you could even do THAT! Not without being all, I dunno, zombiefied or something. I guess Red really did get some power.

I sat up all night when I heard. Too scared to go to sleep. Scared that she would be there again, scared that she wouldn’t. Angel went to her of course, held her in his arms whilst I wrapped my own tight around myself. Tried to make it all go away. What did it all mean? Was her being back the final proof from the PTB that I wasn’t ever good enough. Could never be good enough? I was starting to wonder ya know.

I was still sat in the same place when Angel got back. Surrounded by the haze of tobacco smoke which had been my only companion during my lengthy vigil. I wanted him to take my silence, my lack of tears as indifference, instead he took me into his arms and offered whispered words of comfort. ‘She’s ok.’ But I wasn’t asking that. I was asking if I was ok, if I would ever just be ok?

As I leant my face into his chest it hit me. Kinda like a fucking 2 by 4 round the head. Her. Buffy. Her scent. I hadn’t been close to it in years, but now it was here. Slipping through my unmanned defences straight to the place it could hurt me the most. I reeled back from him. I admit it. I panicked. Everything… my whole life, every proof I’d ever needed that I was shit, it was right here, wrapping itself around me, tightening my chest. I couldn’t breathe, every slice of air was tainted with her now and I didn’t want any of it. Not a piece. I didn’t deserve peace. SHE was my proof of that.

I don’t remember too much of anything else from that night. Needless to say, Angel picked me up again, put me back together again. I acted like it had never happened. He let me forget.

That’s pretty much when the phone calls started. Not to me. Not then. But to Angel. And often.

I guess before you resurrect a girl, you really should make sure that she wants resurrecting… that the girl in question isn’t swanning it up, playing the harp in heaven. What a bitch right? Not B… I always knew she was getting the fluffy clouds and pearly gates… I mean the sitch. It’s gotta be hard. Being over… being done… and then? Well, and then ‘this’. Life. OUR life. I reckon it’s gotta feel like hell.

I wanna say that my heart went out to her. That I sympathised. But I didn’t. Not really, not then. I laughed.

I know. Cold. Heartless. Bitch. I can do all of them. But me and B? There’s a lot of shit there, and my first thought was joy, that finally I wasn’t the only one who’s life was drowning in crap.

The day that I picked up the phone to Dawn was the day it all changed;

“Angel Investigations, here to help the helpless… you helpless?”

Ok… so it wasn’t big on original, but I was manning the phones for fuck sake, it’s hardly brain science. The lack of answer accompanied by the girly snivelling told me that maybe helpless was right. I knew I’d make a good investigator yet.

“Erm… so lady… you gonna speak to me?”

I needed clues, this wasn’t helping. I had just about given in, was dropping the phone back into the cradle, when I heard it. My slayer fast reactions stopping me from cutting the call. It was a whispered ‘wait’. I was waiting.

Her voice when it came was barely audible. Breaking and shaking. Sounded pretty much like a little girl lost.

“I uh… wh…who’s this? I..is Angel there?”

“The big guys out, but whatever it is, whatever’s wrong… maybe I can help?”

No… I wasn’t all Mother Theresa and giving a shit, but ya know..? It sounded like a kid and she was sounding pretty rough.

“Who is this?”

Her voice had got a little surer now, she wanted to know. And then I got it. The big light switch turned on in my head. I saw her flash before my eyes in a stark moment of recognition.

“Dawn?”

“You know me? Really… who IS this?”

I was too busy trying to work out in my head how old the girl from my newly formed memory was, to give the girl an answer. When she screamed down the phone she got my attention back!

“Jesus Dawnie… you trying to kill me?”

She laughed just a little then. “I don’t know… you still haven’t told me who it is!”

I think maybe I joined in the laughter. It was nervous laughter. I didn’t know whether to say ‘murdering psycho bitch’, or to just stick to ‘Faith’. Part of me wanted to hang up then and there, but I was curious. B’s little sister was on the phone crying to Angel. Maybe Buffy had died again? In the end I went with the short answer.

“It’s Faith.”

“Oh!… right… murdering psycho bitch Faith?”

Ya gotta love kids, they catch on real quick.

“The one and only.”

“Again… oh…” she went kinda quiet then, maybe reliving my former glory days. “…I didn’t know you were um… out?”

I filled her in quick about my short sentence, my staying with Angel. She cracked a funny about Angel taking helping the helpless to a new extreme. Then she pretty much rested on quiet again. I was guessing she wasn’t too keen on confiding in me, either that or she didn’t have B’s affection for the constant talking. I tried to reassure her, after all I was still curious.

“You can tell me Dawn, if ya need something, if something’s wrong… if something’s happened?”

I heard her breath hitch, mine hitched right along with it. I thought this was gonna be it, she was gonna spill, let it all out.

“It’s Buffy… she… she…” and then she stopped. Maybe it did sink in who she was talking to. “…just tell Angel I rang, ask him to call me..? Please?”

What could I do? I promised I would tell him as soon as he got back. I told her in empty tones that whatever it was? It would be ok. Shows how much I know. I said goodbye, she said goodbye. And I sat chewing on my nails waiting for Angel‘s return. Then I wanted answers. Needed answers.

Turns out that there were lots of calls from Sunnydale to L.A. Coping with Buffy’s rebirth was turning out to be way harder then dealing with her death. And little Dawn was baring the brunt of it. B was existing with her head up her own ass, detached, devoid, not giving a shit. The witches were playing un-happy families with Red going all loco over the magic, Giles had flown the coop and Xander was marrying a demon. An EX demon. Dawn was being left out in the cold. Feeling the need to talk to a re-ensouled vampire just to get the assurance that somebody cared. She didn’t know it… but we all did.

I could sympathise with Dawn.

I knew what it was like to feel young and alone. Vulnerable. Unloved and uncared for. More then that I knew what it was like to be overlooked by Buffy. Knew what that single unique pain could feel like. I guess in a funny way me and Dawn had a few things in common. She must have thought so too, cos after a while, those calls? Sometimes they were for me. At first I got a little kick out of it… I mean, Buffy Summers little sister, calling me for comfort. But then I started to wise up. This wasn’t about Buffy, not really… this was about a girl who was hurting, needing. And I wanted to help.

I pleaded my case to Angel to be allowed to go to the Dale. To let me get in their faces and scream at them about the kid that they were all neglecting. It was always the same answer… always a no. And I wasn’t ready to go against him. So I stayed on the end of the phone. I told her though… if she needed me, ever, day or night… I was there, I cared about her.

Now I just wish that I had been stronger. That I was as fearless as I liked to kid myself I was. I was a fucking coward!

I KNOW what it’s like to have the only voice in the world that you think cares about you come out disjointed and disembodied from the end of a telephone line. Still I let myself be reigned in. Let Angel feed the chicken shit in me with words like ‘too soon’. That me going there wouldn’t make things any better, would probably make them worse. I clung to those words and breathed a sigh of relief every single time that I hung up the receiver.

He was wrong of course and I hate myself for knowing that he would be.

The calls had started to drop off. They went from almost every night, to a couple of times a week, to me having to worry about the trauma of ringing her. I couldn’t risk it though. Couldn’t risk my sister slayer picking up the phone. So I sat about, and I worried and I waited. Even Cordy and Wes had started talking to me to find out how the youngest Summers girl was doing. It’s funny the things which bring people together. But that was just it, us miles away and caring wasn’t doing anything for Dawn.

I don’t know what sealed the deal for her. What made her finally give up on it all. Her last couple of calls had been listless affairs. Yes’s and no’s and not much else. A little bragging about the shit she had been getting up to. Cutting school, sneaking out, stealing. She said she didn’t care if she got caught. No one else cared. I said I did. Angel did. The whole gang did. We were too far away though. Too far to comfort.

She said she would call on Friday night. Red was going out, Buffy was always out, she’d be alone again. I said cool, I was always up for Dawn chat. Thing is though… it was all too easy to forget… what with my body ass deep in sewer shit and me fighting for my life. Kinda ironic that.

The message light on the machine cut short my elated return, Cordy pressed the button as we waited to hear. The first call had been right on schedule. Just about half past ten. She said she got loneliest then. Too early to go to bed, too late to go out. She sounded upset, asked for me to call when I got in.

The machine beeped again before I could react. Later now, half past eleven. It made me look up to the clock on the wall and register the time at one forty… making me wonder if it was too late to return calls. Her voice was lower now, “Please call me Faith… please?” I can still hear the words scraping against the insides of my head. An unanswered plea.

The last message beeped in at twenty after midnight. ‘Dawnie’s last goodbye.’ She was juiced… told me that it didn’t matter anymore, I didn’t have to worry, she’d sorted it, worked everything out. Would make it easier for everyone not to care, and then she said sorry.

And I guess I knew.

All of our eyes searched out the others. We all knew. Dawn had gotten sick of it all. Sick of life.

I remember the way it seemed like time froze. I couldn’t move, I felt so sick. Angel stood there stunned, Cordy the one to finally shout us out of it. Angel put the call through, he insisted it be him and I was in no place to disagree. We had to stand around and wait, try and piece together what we could from this end of the conversation.

Red was, I dunno, screeching, she sounded pretty hysterical. Soul boy was trying to calm her down and all I wanted to do was rip her fucking throat out. This wasn’t about her and her pain… this was about Dawn. Turns out she done the deed with pills and whisky, her only mistake being that she assumed no one would be coming home, that she would be alone, again. Buffy HAD remembered she had a sister though. Eventually. Had strolled in just after one and found Dawn passed out. Saw the whisky, thought she was drunk. Saw the pill bottle and called 911. What a hero.

That’s all Red could tell us then. We had to wait some more.

Buffy rang the next morning. Dawn was fine, everything was fine. Yeah? On what planet was that then? She was curious as to why Angel had been ringing at two in the morning to find out if Dawn was ok… found it kinda coincidental. Full marks to the big guy, he winged it pretty darn well. Maybe he didn’t think Buffy would like to hear whom her little sister had been confiding in. I didn’t really see that it mattered anymore. I was more then ready to get in Buffy’s face, I was pretty damn willing as well.

I only had to wait a couple of nights until I heard from Dawn again. All small voiced and contrite, whispering apologies. I wanted to chew her out, to smack her fucking hard around the head, slayer style. But I didn’t. I told her that she had scared me. That I cared a hell of a lot about her, didn’t want her to pull that shit on me again. I asked her to promise me.

She said ok. She said that she was hurting too, that she was scared. It ripped at me. Then she said sorry again and whispered the words that bring me to here. To now.

“Would you come Faith? Please? Would you come and see me?”

And I did what I should have done in the beginning if I hadn’t been such a fucking coward. I told her that I was coming. I promised. And that was the day before yesterday.

No one wanted me to go. Those same words kept popping up. ‘Too soon’. In the end it pissed me off. Too soon? I said it was a good fucking job that I wasn’t too late. I think they got it, they left me alone. Wished me well.

And now I’m on a bus heading back to Sunnydale. I’ve got a carry-all, a back pack and a fucking soft toy! Yeah I know, Dawn’s a teenager, not some little kid. But ya know? I got knives as gifts when I was her age. I want her to have more, I figure she deserves more. And if she laughs at it? Well I figure that that’s ok too.

I don’t know what kinda reception I’m gonna get when I get there. Oh wait… yeah I do. I just don’t give a fuck. This ain’t about me, or B. Or anyone else. Just Dawn. I said I would be there and be there I shall.

Nothing else matters. Not anymore.

Chapter 2

As soon as she had stepped off of the bus she made her way over to the apartment that Angel had sorted for her. He didn’t want her staying in another cheap motel, he insisted she’d come a long way since then and the thought of a whole place to herself had kept her from making an argument. The walk over freaked her out. Tracing long ago made steps through the centre of town, shadows reaching out in the form of taunting memories to remind her of her list of mistakes. Her whole life had gone to shit in this place, and it wasn’t joy she was feeling at being back. There was a whole lot of apprehension, maybe even something close to fear.

Settling herself in was easy enough. She opened a door to a closet and threw in her bag, tossed a couple of things into a drawer and stepped back to survey her home. It was nice. A little impersonal, but then she wasn’t planning on staying too long. Just long enough to be sure that Dawn was ok and that people had started taking proper care of her. She emptied the bag of cursory groceries she’d picked up on the way there and snagged a beer before placing the others in the fridge, she just needed something to take the edge off. To stop the buzzing in her head that hadn’t stopped since her arrival. It was almost too much. Being back.

And then it was time. The sun was starting to make it’s lazy journey down below the horizon, and she hoped that if she went now she could avoid bumping into Buffy. Wasn’t in any kind of mood to go there yet. She knew she would have to be at some point, but not now. She needed to find her feet again first, gain some kind of self assuredness about being back in town.

It was like déjà vu crossing the streets and walking the roads that led to Buffy’s house. Faith didn’t even need to think about where to place her feet, because they remembered. Every single time, every tread upon the tracks, they had mapped them all, maybe one day knowing that they would be walking the same path again.

As she stood looking up at the house looming before her, every instinct was telling her to run, telling her she didn’t need this, wasn’t ready for this, would never be ready for this. But she beat it back, recognised it for the coward it was and took the last steps to her destination, raised her hand and knocked on the door. She tried to tell herself she wasn’t shaking. That it didn’t matter. She was only here to see Dawn.

Inside the house things were a picture of calm. Willow was at the table in the kitchen deeply entrenched in research, fingers banging out heartily on the keyboard in front of her. A cup of hot chocolate to her side, and the phone right next to her elbow so she could make a call if necessary. Buffy was at work and Dawn was sequestered away in her room. She’d been skittish all day and Willow had finally begged her to go take a rest, try and work some calm into those jumpy little bones of hers. She didn’t know why Dawn was so excitable, guessed that maybe she was just really thankful that the booze and pills hadn’t done the intended job.

She still couldn’t believe that Dawn had done it. Sure things had been… hectic? But things were always hectic, it didn’t mean they wouldn’t work out in the end. Maybe it was just too much though. Losing her mom, her sister, Tara leaving… and yes, Buffy was back, but most of the time it was like they shouldn’t have even bothered. Sure, the demon population was under control, Sunnydale was safe from the night time nasties, but apart from that..? Everyday things… just living..? Buffy was no where to be seen.

She was sure things would be different now though. Buffy had broken down at the hospital, shown some real feelings for the first time in ages, had wondered aloud at what life had become. About what SHE had become. Willow wasn’t altogether sure what she had meant with those words… what meaning lay behind them and she didn’t think it was the time for questions… but she had held her, had assured her it would be ok. They would look after Dawn better, do everything better.

Everything had just been so fucked up lately. EVERYTHING!

Herself and Tara was now just herself. She had pushed using magic to the extreme, pushed Tara to the extreme as well, right up until she had left her… and even then it wasn’t enough. She had found in herself the need to push more, to try more, to have more, to want more. She had wanted it all, got lost in the power. Lost in the need. And then it had all come crashing down around her. Almost killing Dawn in the process.

She berated herself over and over for her own actions which had contributed to Dawn’s downfall. The lack of caring. Putting her own needs so far in front of a girl who was like a sister to her, always had been. She would make up for it now though. She meant what she had said to Buffy at the hospital. They WOULD look after Dawn better. They had to.

The sound of knocking at the door caused her to look up from the computer screen. It wasn’t often they had people come over that needed to knock. Everyone who counted knew to walk right in, had a key, even Spike had taken to walking in whenever he darn well felt like it. She was just raising herself up when Dawn came barrelling down the stairs screaming her need to get to the door first. As if maybe she was expecting someone. It made Willow past curious, was Dawnie keeping secrets?

“Hey what’s the rush? Buffy said you’re to take it easy and I don’t wanna have to be calling her and telling her you’re being bad!”

“Cos she’ll rush right home and give me a talking to right?” The younger girl raised her eyebrows in a ‘Cos we both know that’s never gonna happen’ kinda way and carried on her advance to the door. She knew who was behind it, had invited the girl there herself. She knew that it would piss everyone off, but she didn’t care anymore. That no one cared about her had become quite apparent, she’d even stopped caring about herself for a while, but the other night had scared her. Being that close to death wasn’t as romantic as she had envisioned it to be. She’d watched too many movies, seen too many scenes of the tragic heroine trapped in beauty as she breathed her last breath.

It hadn’t been like that for Dawn. She’d felt sick, her head had been swimming, round and around, she’d been shaking and sweating and then nothing. Reality had come crashing back with a tube being forced into her stomach, the feel of her throat constricting, bright lights shining into her eyes. And then Buffy.

Buffy’s eyes had been cold. Dawn’s first thought was that she was angry, but then it had made sense. She was jealous. Jealous that she hadn’t got the balls to do what Dawn had done. To end all the bullshit. Then she had cried, explained how she hadn’t jumped of the tower to save Dawn only to have that thrown back in her face. Asked why Dawn hadn’t spoken to her. Hadn’t come to her if things were that bad. If she felt that lost.

The fact that Buffy hadn’t stayed at the hospital longer then was absolutely necessary, the fact she hadn’t once put her hand to her face and told her that it would all be ok. That was why she had not turned to her. Buffy wasn’t there for her. Hadn’t been there since she had been gone. No one was there. Not until Faith. And now Faith was here.

She didn’t care what the others said, because at that moment she needed someone in her corner, someone going to bat for her, and she thought that Faith would be it. She knew she had changed, had spoken to her more then enough to know, had spoken to Angel more then enough to know… and she trusted her. Trusted that she would make it better.

As the knocking at the door became louder and more insistent she flashed Willow one more look to signal her disdain and swung back the barrier with a firm smile affixed to her face.

“You came! You really came!”

“Of course I came, I said I would didn’t I?”

The dark haired slayer flashed a genuinely warm smile at Buffy’s young sister, she swallowed her fear at being there and tried to fix her attention on the girl in front of her. She couldn’t help her eyes from wandering though, from trying to sneak their way around Dawn and catching a glimpse of what might be awaiting her.

“It’s okay Faith, you’re safe, the wicked witch isn’t here.” Faith laughed at that, she’d never thought of Buffy like a wicked witch before, a wicked bitch yeah, but not the witchy kind.

“That’s a relief, I was hoping to stay in one piece a little while longer.”

“You could take her anyway, you always were better.”

“Compliments are nice Kiddo, but I got the scar that proves otherwise.” She made a quick motion to her stomach, almost embarrassed to draw attention to the time before. The time when she most definitely was not better. “So what’s the what? Am I getting an invite in?”

“I’ve been warned about inviting people in after sunset Faith, it REALLY pisses Buffy off when I don’t do what she says…” She paused a moment and offered a sorrowful look in the direction of her visitor. “…I guess you’d better come in then, right?”

They both laughed as Faith crossed the threshold for the first time in ages. She was happy to be there for Dawn, but nervous as fuck about being there at all. Everything was the same, just as she remembered it. It smelt the same, it felt the same, and for a minute she had to stop herself from tearing back out of the door she had just stepped foot through.

“Hey, are you ok? You look kinda spazzy.”

“Huh..? No, I’m fine… just… this is weird, I never figured… I never thought I’d be back here. In this house.”

Dawn looked her in the eye and offered her sentiment. “Thank you. For being here, I mean. I know it’s hard, and I shouldn’t have asked… it just…”

“Don’t even mention it, ok kid?” She knocked the girls shoulder lightly with her fist. “I’m uh… ‘pleased’ to be here, alright. Just remember Dawn, I fucked a lot of things up here, not everyone’s gonna be too pleased to see me…”

“You got that right! What the hell are YOU doing here?” Willow had nearly doubled over in shock when she had come to investigate whom Dawn was talking to. Anyone. Anyone but her. As if everything wasn’t going to shit enough as it was… they didn’t need Faith here. Had never needed Faith here. “You wanna explain this one Dawnie?”

She turned to face her young charge, Buffy would freak when she found out, Willow was kinda hoping that maybe Faith would leave before that became an issue. Or maybe she could do a spell on her. A real nifty spell where she would vanish from before their eyes, all puffy clouds and special effects!

Dawn though stood her ground, squared her shoulders and turned to face the red head. “She’s here because I asked her to come. Because for the last few months no one except HER has even cared that I exist… and I don’t care what you say. What ANY of you say!”

“I’m calling Buffy!”

“I DON’T CARE!”

“Look… maybe I should go..?”

“No!”

“YES!”

Faith’s head was twisting and turning between the two. Both the girls had turned to look at her and she felt naked beneath a spotlight. Willow’s glare was unmistakably hostile, whilst Dawn was looking at her with something close to pleading. Asking perhaps for someone to stand on her side. Stand up for her. She took a deep breath, ready to face the music.

“Well… I suppose now I’m here I may as well stay for a bit. Got any soda Red?”

The witches face was a picture. Of horror mostly. “A soda… YOU want a soda?”

“Well I heard you’re all out of whisky.” She shot Willow a pointed look, one which told her she knew everything that had gone on recently, was here because of it, and was staying till it was dealt with.

“Dawn. I really don’t think this is a good idea…” Willow moved a step back from Faith as she spoke the next words. “…don’t get me wrong sweetie, I know you need someone to talk to, someone to care… but Faith… well Faith isn’t quite…” She ran her eyes over the dark slayer, remembered the feel of cold steel against her neck, the hate which had long since burned for her in her gut. “…normal… or sane… and I’m pretty sure the women’s correctional facility up in LA are just gonna love hearing that she’s gone all AWOL.”

“Try getting your facts straight Red, I was only ever in Juvie, been out for months…”

“What?”

“It’s true Will, ask Angel… she’s been staying with him, everyone there knows that she’s better… that she’s changed.”

The red head scoffed, she couldn’t believe that the girl would ever change. She remembered too well everything she had done. She had killed someone for crying out loud, more then one someone, had betrayed them all, sided with evil… and sure she felt maybe a little bit hypocritical, had herself messed around with some stuff that wasn’t strictly ‘good’… but this was Faith. And Buffy was gonna freak!

“I think you should leave Faith…” She was trying to steer Dawn by the shoulders away from the Psycho Slayer, she knew that any minute Faith would take advantage of the situation, would probably have them both at knife point. Maybe dead. “…Buffy’ll be back REALLY soon… and you know, she’s not too keen on unannounced visitors… or murderers, back stabbing bitches…”

“What about people that completely fucking neglect their little sisters, huh?”

Faith could see the hate that was pouring in her direction from the other girl. She didn’t care for it, knew most of it was deserved, but still… her only concern at the moment was Dawn.

“You don’t know anything about what’s been going on around here Faith, just go… I… I mean it!” She tried to look as intimidating as she could. If only she could use magic everything would be fine. But she couldn’t. Shouldn’t even be thinking it.

“No! Don’t go!” Dawn turned to face Willow, pulled herself up to full height. “…you don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t see, who is and isn’t my friend!” Now she turned back to Faith, pleaded with her eyes. “Please, don’t go yet. Come in the kitchen and get that soda… Buffy won’t really be home for ages, she’s working tonight, ok?”

The girl considered her options. She did wanna stay, it was pretty much the whole point of her being there… but antagonising Willow? She hadn’t really wanted to do that. It would help if she could make a couple of allies in the camp, people that could see past the past and realise that she wasn’t about that anymore. Truly was here for Dawn. Cared about Dawn.

“Maybe a quick soda, but then I gotta shoot…” She saw the young girls face crumple into a frown. “…but I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise.”

“Buffy is so gonna freak… in fact I’m gonna call her… now, I’m gonna call her now and tell her and she is so gonna freak.”

“Take a chill pill Red, really… what’s the worst right? I’m gonna go through, have a soda, and then I’ll be gone. Just give the kid a break.”

Willow returned her eyes to Dawn, she did want the girl to be happy… but… but FAITH?! Half of her still couldn’t believe that she was standing there brazen as anything as if being there was the most natural thing in the world. The other half was believing that she was there and telling her feet to move as fast away from her as was possible.

“I don’t like this… I don’t like it one bit Dawnie, and Buffy is probably gonna kill me… but fine. One soda, and then she’s gone… and she shouldn’t come back. You now how Buffy’s been… let’s just try and cut out the trauma ok?”

“Cos it’s ALWAYS about Buffy’s trauma!” Dawn grabbed hold of Faith’s hand and pulled her through to the kitchen, muttering all the way. “Sorry bout that Faith, maybe I should of warned them you were coming, but then I thought maybe you wouldn’t come or they wouldn’t let you come, and I really did want you to…”

“Slow down kid, I’m here right? And no one tells me what to do. Or no one round here anyway, Angel gets a bit bossy sometimes, Cordy all the time… but don’t worry. I’ll stay as long as ya need me to.”

“Thanks… it’s kinda weird to have someone here for me… since mom… ya know?” She didn’t elaborate. Didn’t need to. She still missed her so much. Always.

“I do know. And I am here.” She gave the girl a friendly ruffle of hair and laughed at the look she got.

“I’m NOT five you know… you can’t do that to someone over five!”

Faith reached out and did it again. “Can’t I?”

“No!”

So she reached out and did it again.

“Faith! I’m warning you…”

Willow listened in from outside the door. It was strange hearing Dawn’s laughter. Hearing laughter of any kind. For a second she had to wonder… maybe this would be good, maybe Faith HAD changed..? But she couldn’t believe it. Wasn’t prepared to believe it.

She did decide not to call Buffy though. It wasn’t worth worrying her at work, and it wasn’t like she could just rush home and run Faith out of town. That would have to wait until tomorrow. Then they could all get together and run her out of town. Give them a purpose. They sure as heck needed it.

Researching nerds was boring and Faith could be just the distraction needed to get everyone focused again.

Faith POV

Well that wasn’t so bad. On a scale of one to ten it has to be a pretty high score. I figured I’d be lucky to make it out alive, and yet I came through without one scratch. A bit of a verbal beating from the ‘real’ wicked witch, but nothing I can’t handle or that I don’t deserve.

Dawn was a lot better then I thought she would be. She was all perky and jumpy and just like a mini version of her older sister. Heaps taller though. Maybe the monks that made her have a thing for leggy brunettes? They didn’t do a bad job, full marks I’d say.

It still gave me a moment of weirdness every time I thought about her not existing before last year… I mean, she’s real. Really, real. I wanted to reach out and poke her every few minutes just to check, but man… that girl is pure flesh and bones. Only in Sunnydale, right?

I didn’t know what to do once I split the place, I was hungry as hell and dying to slay. I didn’t know if I dared to though. What if she was slaying, what if we ran into each other? I know it’s coming, and soon… but I don’t think I want the first time she sees me to have any kind of weapon involved. She might be packing an axe, or a cross bow… hell, even stakes leave splinters and I’m pretty sure she’d be willing to use them.

I decided to lay low, just do a real quick sweep across the outer cemeteries, if I remembered right then these were the ones without much action anyway and Buffy spent less time in these ones then the ones further into town. I figured I’d slay, then I’d eat and then I’d rest. I was pretty sure I’d need all my energy for tomorrow.

The damn slaying was a bust. Nothing, not a hint of a nasty. Frustrated the fuck outta me. All I wanted was one little playmate, one little moment of tension release, one puff of dust as the world was set to rights. But nope. I called it quits and hunted food. Ended up outside the Double Meat Palace. Man I hated that place!! It was cheap as shit though, and the burgers did taste a little better then actual shit. At least I assumed they did.

I was all busy trying to grab some change out of the tight pockets of my even tighter jeans when I made my way through the door, didn’t need to look up for a menu, just walked a path to the counter and mumbled out my order.

“Give us a burger yeah? Couple of orders of fries?”

The crash kinda made me think that something was wrong. It shattered the otherwise virtual silence of the depressing interior and made me wonder if I was gonna have to fight for my supper. I didn’t mind, working up an appetite was good. I wasn’t prepared though. For what I saw when I raised my eyes. Who I saw.

I never laughed so hard in my fucking life!

Maybe it was shock, maybe it was a little cover for my fear, maybe it was pure disbelief… mostly though I think it was the damn stupid hat she was wearing on her head. It was classic. Cow’s head, chicken’s ass. Nice. Perfect.

It didn’t stay laughter for long though. It pretty quickly evolved into cursing, but then SHE started that.

“What the HELL are you doing here?”

I went for the obvious. The truth. “Came for a burger B, you gonna cook one up for me?”

She was seething. I could see the confusion in her eyes, the venom dripping from her mouth as she went to speak again. “Get out! Get out of here, and get the fuck out of my town!”

“Hey… that’s not nice B, you don’t wanna cause a scene… you could lose your job…” I motioned my hands around me encapsulating the whole of the fast food joint. “…and I kinda like it here you know? It’s definitely you, very ‘Buffy’.”

I was pushing it, but I didn’t care. I was so pissed at her. Years worth of pissed and now a whole lot more to add to the mix. Time had doused the fire which I’d learnt to call hate, but I still had issues with her. Wouldn’t let her know how much she intimidated me. How much just standing before her eyes made me wither on the inside. Made me half of who I was at any other time.

I could see her body as it went it taut before me, imagined her muscles winding up to attack. I remembered exactly how it felt. In a sudden rush of absolute clarity I could remember the feel of her skin on my skin, the rush of blood through my veins anytime she ever touched me. It almost made me want it. Made me wanna drop to my knees and beg her to beat the shit outta me. Anything to feel her hands on my body, to taste the only kind of kisses she had ever given me. I didn’t though. I stepped back a pace, I opened my stance out in front of her and let her know I was willing if she was. Threw defiance into my posture instead of pleading. Either way the results were the same. She bit. She always did. I knew exactly where her buttons were, I had made it my job to know.

She was over the counter in seconds, pushing herself up into my face, hands grabbing purchase on the front of my jacket. Her hate was pouring from her mouth in a string of curses, words meant to hurt, meant to injure… but I didn’t hear one of them. Was locked into her eyes, trying to see what was wrong. What was missing. Cos that bitch looked kinda dead. Everything she was throwing at me, all the tension in her body, the poison in her words… and her eyes were as hollow as she made me feel. It was freaky, surreal.

If she hadn’t landed a perfect punch to my jaw at that moment I maybe would’ve guessed I was dreaming the whole thing. But she did, and I ended up with my ass on the floor. A scowl on my face.

“Fuck B… for a welcome that’s pretty crappy, even coming from you.”

“Coming from me? Have you listened to a word I just said..?”

No.

“…do you understand what I’m saying?…”

Again with the no.

“…I want you out of here, I don’t know why you’re here, I don’t CARE why you’re here… I just want you gone. I swear Faith… you get in my face? I so much as see your face again, I will beat you…”

“…to death, right B? That’s the same old line I see, not spiced up the routine with new material.”

She went to land a kick to my body as I sat on the floor, but I’m a slayer too remember? Before she even knew it I had swept her legs and found her a comfy seat right next to mine. I didn’t stay to fraternise though, I flipped myself up to standing and rested the heel of my boot against her chest. I was panting from just that little exertion, it really was such a rush… I didn’t know if I should thank her?

I could feel her start to struggle and sought out her eyes. “Just quit B, we’re not doing this. Not now.” But I could see her getting ready to bust her next move, knew she was gonna go for my leg, upend me, steal my advantage back for herself. I couldn’t let that happen, my pride was begging me not to let it happen.

I increased the pressure just for a moment, could see the brief flash of pain as it crossed her face, used the leverage to push myself back. Out of reach. Out of her reach.

In a instant she was standing before me. The red of her uniform matching the flushed heat of her cheeks. She was so pissed. And to me it felt great. I can’t explain it, or I don’t wanna explain it… but it was so strong. So intense. The waves of disgust were rolling from her body, encasing me within them, caressing every part of me that was on show to her, even some parts that weren’t. I could feel it deep down, letting me know, making me sure. She still gave a shit. She could tell me I was nothing a thousand times over, but her reactions were saying something else. There was no way I was nothing to her, and at that moment it was enough.

I had been so scared. Terrified. My private fear. My biggest fear.

I thought she might have forgotten me. Might have forgotten the power that we had over each other, the intensity which every moment had ever held for us. I thought she might have forgotten how to feel it. Dawn had told me, filled me in on how she was all ‘Miss Unemotional’ nowadays. Like she’d never really dragged herself from her own grave. Was still dead. But this proved wrong. Cos I could hear the steady thumping of her heart, could see the fire I was making course through her system… and now it was there in her eyes. Something.

I wanted to pounce on her. Wanted to beat the answers from that tight little body of hers. Make her mouth say the words. But she didn’t give me a chance. Made me doubt I’d seen anything in the first place.

As she stepped back from me her voice turned fire quickly into ice, brittle and cold, totally devoid. “Just stay away from me Faith…” Then she did the worst. She turned her back on me. “…I don’t want anything from you.”

What?

I didn’t remember offering her anything. Maybe a damn good ass kicking, but then I figure she deserves that. Not for me… don’t worry, I may be pissed at her, but I know which one of us is more likely to want revenge, and it ain’t me. I fucked her over good and proper, I may have had reasons… stupid reasons… but I was wrong. No, I meant for Dawn. I figure she deserves one for that.

I watched her walk through the door marked employee, watch her throw glares at the school kids working with her and I watched her take up her position behind the counter. I was torn. Fucking confused as well. She had spoken a foreign language to me, I was sure of it. Cos I had heard one thing in her tone… a total lack of anything, but her words said something else, something I wasn’t sure I understood. Thought maybe I’d like to.

Now though I had to walk away. She had closed the door on me, I did understand that much… I gave her one final glance, saw her looking back at me, vacancy in her eyes, something missing. I looked at the floor and spotted it. Her cap, ass in the air, cow kissing the ground. It really was a work of beauty and I was tempted to keep it for myself, but no… it was Buffy’s, I had to return it.

I picked it up, tossed it in the air and twirled it on my finger. Don’t ask where the cockiness came from, maybe from her words?

“Hey B… your hat?” I held it out to her across the counter, waited with straining chest to see what she would do, what she would say.

“Oh… right…” I saw her flush with embarrassment as she considered the offending article, imagined the horror of having to wear one everyday. Just for a second she forgot it was me, forgot it was her and me… and she offered me a half smile, a slight raise of eyebrow… included me in her life. Told me with a glance just how much she did hate this, how much it pained her to have to come here everyday and flip burgers for a living. “…thank you.”

As she touched the rim of the cap her fingers brushed against mine. Cold hard contact. Skin on skin. I don’t know who jumped back furthest or fastest, but I know we both jumped. Both felt it. I’d read about it before, the electricity in someone’s touch… but it was bullshit right? No, it wasn’t. That bitch zapped me and I damn well figure I zapped her back too. Crazy fucking static. It must’ve been from the rolling around on the cheap lino flooring.

It seemed though to remind her who I was. And you can bet the steel was back in her eyes, the hatred plain on her face.

“Get out, and stay out. I don’t want to see you Faith. Just go away.”

Nice speech. I wondered whether to tell her I’d see her tomorrow. I mean we hadn’t even started in on the Dawn crap yet, and I wanted answers, changes, I wanted Dawn loved. It was the reason, after all, that I was there. Right?

I wasn’t so sure anymore either and it scared me.

I made my way out of that place and thanked the Gods for fresh air. It stank so gross in there and I had to imagine B spent most of her waking hours smelling like… I don’t know… putrid offal? Nice. Totally hot.

Then I went to think and to drink. Perfect combination. Way better then cows and chicken.

I swear I thought I had come here just for Dawn, didn’t think I’d ever have even bothered coming back here again if it wasn’t for Dawn… but I don’t know. There were feelings tonight, something more then a memory… I thought that was long dead, truly thought B’s only purpose now was to haunt my conscience, make me strive to be the better person I always wish I’d been. But now? Now I was fucking confused.

I wanted to drink her out of my system. Infuse myself with alcohol rather then Buffy Summers.

Thankfully the beers in my fridge were cold and I had a nice bottle of Jack to keep them company. I counted the cracks in the ceiling as I willed my brain to reach fuzzy, sought to find the stop button for all of my emotions. I knew I had one, had found it before with the help of Buffy. Only now it was choosing to go missing. Nothing able to stop me from feeling.

I drank more and more. Eventually I rang Angel to tell him of my day, slurred my distress down the wire to him. At least proving that phone calls to LA would still be frequent, even if it was someone new looking for assurances, for guarantees that somebody cared. He did the best he could, asked if I needed him to swing by, maybe one of the others..? But I said no. I was ready to stand on my own two feet. Or rather I hoped I was.

I knew he was worried, I was worried too. Tonight had been too many emotions, too many questions, too much of everything. Part of me could feel the feelings from long ago… but that was just it, it wasn’t only the good feelings… the way it was when we were close, when she let herself be mine… but also the bad feeling. There was a part of me that still wanted to hurt her, to cause pain just to make her feel me. And that was scaring the hell out of me. I didn’t wanna be that person anymore, I never wanted to be that person again.

Chapter 3

Faith POV

I’m never drinking again. Fuck it. I’m never opening my eyes again. I raise my hand to my head and wipe the crusted hair from my face, it’s nasty, it smells of vomit and whisky and brings vague recollections of my evening spent hugging the toilet bowl. I didn’t plan to get so wasted, I planned to dull the pain. I guess this kinda pain takes a lot of dulling, right?

After speaking to Angel I finished what drink I had here, making slayer fast work of the beers and Jack, but I could still remember. Remember the way she looked at me, the hate, the venom… the seconds that she showed me something else. Hope resting on half smiles and quirking eyebrows. It’s just so pathetic.

I don’t wanna have hope. Don’t want wishes. I just want to know what it’s like to stand before her and not feel like everything, my world, revolves around her. I thought I had it beat. LA was my friend. I managed to push the sensations away with the memories of her words, the knowledge that I was now nothing to her making it easy to disregard the things I knew deep down in my soul. She blew it all away in seconds.

As soon as I raised my eyes I was sure.

I had imagined the moment, the one when I would lay my sights on her again, and it had always been hard. Always been empty. I imagined I’d pass her in a street one day, middle of fucking nowhere… and she’d look, and she’d shake her head. And she’d walk right on by. And I’d keep walking too. Wouldn’t care, wouldn’t glance back. But it didn’t happen like that, didn’t feel like that.

I was praying for her to jump the counter, to know I meant that much at least, that I was worth taking the time to beat the crap out of. I didn’t think she’d do it… not really. Must be like I said, I DO know how to push her buttons.

What a proud boast.

I run my hand up to my jaw to check whether she did any lasting damage. It’s a little sore, but then her punch is like a fucking sledgehammer! I’m hoping no bruising, no-one ever managed to bruise me up like B did. Pissed me off more then once. Same as it would piss me off if she’d bruised me now. Maybe when I open my eyes I’ll see.

Where was I? Oh yeah… I drank all that shit to make me forget the things which seeing her had made me remember, but it didn’t work. I went out for more, a whole fucking lot more. The jerk in the store didn’t wanna serve me, then I showed him the dollar. Money talks. I had more whisky then a boatload of sailors could drink in a month, and I damn well drank the lot! Hence the vomiting, so maybe not such a good idea.

It numbed the skull though. I rang Angel again, I think I freaked him out. I do that sometimes when I let my mouth run away. He doesn’t like hearing about my Buffy hang ups, calls them obstacles I need to get past. I explained what I’d like to do with whipped cream and Buffy. That’s when he went quiet. I didn’t mean what I said when I mentioned putting the nozzle actually up there and squirting… but I was drunk! I think he’s gonna send one of the others to keep an eye on me.

It’s like being told you need a baby sitter.

Maybe he’ll send Wes. That’d be a blast. The guy still can’t look at me for too long without sweating. It’s makes me feel so bad, and I’ve apologised for ever… but I scare him. It sucks. Time was I would’ve probably gotten off on that. In fact I know I would have. Now it makes me feel like crap.

Cordy would be funny. It’d be like a double shake up of the Scoobs. Imagine poor Xander facing not only me but Cordy as well? Maybe I should ring Angel and request it? SHE’S not scared of me. Maybe a little wary, but she knows me a bit better now, I let her know me a bit better. I don’t wanna hurt people, I never wanted to really hurt people, I just got lost for a while there… she gets that. She’s never said she forgives me, but then I never asked. She just lets me share her space without scowling all the time and bitching at me. I think she likes having another chick around. I mean… Fred’s cool… but she’s… different.

I tried to buy her a burger once, she went nuts. Something about cows. I asked Cordy and she said something about she used to BE a cow. I can’t picture it, she’s really kinda cute, but maybe she was? Cordy wasn’t really speaking to me then, was still cowering in my presence, so I never got the elaboration.

I got out pretty much when she got here. From the farmyard maybe? Angel did his Buffy grief and went to shit, which left Fred the only person who’d really speak to me. Not that she spoke much. She wrote a lot, on the walls and stuff. I just used to sit there wondering where she came from and whether the numbers on the walls meant anything to anyone other then to her.

Wes liked to pretend he got it, but he looked as confused as me.

Maybe he’ll send Gunn. Someone who hasn’t got a past with these people. He’s cool. I had to put him on his ass a couple of times, he wasn’t so sure that a girl could possibly be as strong as I professed… but I showed him. And now we hang. His easy, doesn’t wanna get in my bullshit, just takes me as I am.

We got down and dirty once. Pretty much after I put him on his ass. That boy was as fluid as chocolate syrup pouring over my body… it was awesome, hot, but you know me. Not so much about the long term. He took it well. I think he got a little misty eyed, but then I am a revelation. He bought me a beer, whipped my ass at pool. We healed.

The pressure in my bladder is begging that I take a piss, but I’m still not so keen on the moving. Maybe if I could do it without opening my eyes.

My whole body feels like it wants to die as I lift myself from the sheets. The grounds a little sway-y and I have to steady myself before I walk. It really is a fucking trauma. NEVER drinking again. Not today, that’s for sure.

I’ve left a pretty gross mess on the floor in the bathroom, seems my aim suffers when I’m in the process of emptying the contents of my stomach. Who would’ve thought it. I know I’m not gonna enjoy clearing that shit up. Makes me wish I had gone for hotel… had room service and a maid.

The last thing I feel like doing now is going to see B. Even the whisper of it in my mind is enough to have me freezing from the apprehension. Last night was screwed. There was no way of knowing what seeing her today would be like. Maybe she WILL beat me. Maybe I’ll let her. Gotta be worse ways of taking some pain. But then maybe she’ll give me a chance.

Maybe seeing me has spun her pretty little head out as much as it has mine. It’s got to have made her think, just a little, right? Even that tiny exchange was charged with something, and not just the static, but the thing that makes the static, that connection. Call it chemistry. We always had it. And it was still fucking there, making me crazy. Making her crazy?

Maybe she’ll listen to me. Listen to what I have to say about Dawn. Tell me what’s wrong, tell me if I can make it better. I’d probably do anything to make it better. Just tell me.

I have to fucking laugh at that one. Like I could ever make anything better for her… lets take a look at the track record… Hmmmm… whatever. But maybe I can help make things better for Dawn. I’ve gotta be able to get something right.

I’m gonna take a shower, get my wits about me and head on over there. I’m not waiting for sundown today, I want to bump into Buffy. I want to know what happens next. If anything happens next. I’ll put a call into Angel as well, let him know which of the gang I want him to send. It can only be a good thing having someone on my side, and I know that they’ll be on my side AND I know they won’t take any shit, not from anyone. This place needs that. It’s always been so full of shit.

My nerves from the day before have been replaced by something else, something which feels a damn sight worse then nerves. It feels like my insides are twisting around and around and I swear I’m gonna be sick again any minute. That’ll piss her off. Bet she’d make me clean it up before she kicked my ass.

I’m trying so hard to make myself knock on the door that I end up banging louder then could ever be necessary. It makes me jump back, proving just how on edge I am.

At least it doesn’t take long for the door to crack open, just a little at first and then the whole way. There she is. The one that’s been making me question everything about myself, everything about us. She’s got her hair down and I notice it’s been cut pretty short, shorter then I’ve ever seen it. Looks pretty adorable and I wanna say it. I dare not though. Her eyes have retained all their steel from yesterday and I know that she’s not standing there waiting for compliments. I could give them though. Could tell her how god damn beautiful she is.

“I thought I told you yesterday. I don’t want to see you.”

That’s a good start. No overt hostility.

“I’m not here to see you B, I told Dawn I’d swing by, I don’t wanna disappoint.”

The look she gives me makes me wish I hadn’t used them words. I can see all her disappointment and I can feel the start of the same old story. This is gonna go the same old way. She’s gonna curse, I’m gonna curse and then we’ll probably hurt each other some. I wish she’d learn how to get bored of it all.

“What makes you think that I’d ever let you see my sister?”

She does look genuinely intrigued so I try to think of a valid answer.

“Because this isn’t about you… this is about Dawn, she wants to see me, and if you care about what she wants then you’ll let her.”

I didn’t mean to make her laugh. My comedy was always a little off the wall, but I couldn’t see the joke in that. I was trying to be honest.

“You really expect me to believe that this isn’t about me? That this isn’t another sick and twisted way for you to fuck me over?” She pauses for a moment and I can see the hate flashing in her eyes again. “I KNOW you Faith, and I know what you’re about. I won’t let you do this to me again.”

“Get off your high horse B…” Now I have to laugh a little. “…you really do think everything’s always about you.”

“I think it’s time you left.”

“I think it’s time you told Dawn I was here.”

“Don’t push me Faith.”

It was tempting. Just a little push.

“You know I’m not leaving until you tell her I’m here.”

“And you can tell that to the officer that they send round when I call for the police.”

“Aw come on B… surely you know I got a thing for guys in uniform? That kinda talk just makes me hot, makes me wanna hang around longer.”

I really wasn’t leaving without seeing Dawn. I didn’t care who she called.

She pushed a little disgust into her tone, I was used to it. “I see you’re still a slut then Faith, nice to know things don’t change.”

Oh come on? I hadn’t got laid I ages! I almost told her that, figured it wasn’t worth the effort.

“And I see you’re still a bitch… it IS oddly comforting.”

“Why won’t you just go away? I don’t want you here, I don’t need you here…”

“And this isn’t about YOU!”

I was starting to get a little agitated. Brick and Wall came to mind. It was like talking to one, and I kinda wanted to smash my head against one too.

Before she could answer we could hear the footsteps coming down the stairs… she looked like she might close the door, I put my hand up, pushed it further open.

“Dawn! You’re up, great… wanna hang?”

At least I could make one Summers girl’s eyes light up with my presence.

“Hey Faith, I was wondering when you’d get here. Love to hang.”

She went to grab her coat and found her way barred by Buffy. They had a two second tug of war before Buffy yanked the thing clean from her hands.

“You’re not going out Dawn, you know what the doctor said…” She was speaking so matter of fact to her, no wonder the kid felt a little in the cold. “…you’re kinda grounded as well. At least until you’re fifty.”

“You can’t ground me!”

“I just did!”

Dawn looked to me then, I dunno… you could see her frustration, that inability to have any effect on your own existence. I knew where she was coming from. Totally different sitch, but the feelings the same. When you can’t control the everyday things that’s when it starts going to shit, ya start looking for things you can control. Make some bad decisions.

“Look B…” she does turn to look and I forget what I want to say. For a second she looks so tired, so fucking exhausted… and I wonder. Maybe she feels a little lost too.

“What?”

I shake my head to clear it and focus on the kid again, make myself remember my point.

“Can’t you just cut her some slack? I’ll stay here ok? We’ll hang out in the yard…”

“So now you want me to invite you in?”

“I’ll invite her in…” Dawn looks at me and smirks. “…come on in Faith.”

You have to admire the girl, she’s got herself some balls. Doesn’t look to be impressing Buffy though and I prepare myself to duck and cover.

“Get back up stairs Dawn…” her voice lets us know that she isn’t messing. But Dawn’s face isn’t messing either. “…Faith is not, and never will be, welcome here.”

“Yes she is!”

“No Dawn, she isn’t.”

“Oh for fucks sake B!…” Now she looks back at me like she had forgotten I was even there. “…really, what do you think I’m gonna do? Throw her over my shoulder and steal her away? Have you HEARD her scream?”

I tried to keep it light, tried to get Buffy to see past the aggro.

“Was that meant to be funny?”

“I THOUGHT it was funny!”

“DAWN!”

This is going nowhere. I don’t wanna leave, I really want to spend a little time with the girl, chat some. Just chill. But Buffy isn’t easing up. She’s starting to look more pissed off and I figure Dawn’s gonna be the one that has to suffer. Maybe I should just back off?

“Look… this is dumb…” I take a step back to telegraph my plans. “…I’m just gonna head, I dunno Dawn… maybe I can catch you after school, tomorrow?”

“Did you not hear me? I don’t want you near her!”

God I could hate her again.

“I’m just gonna ignore her Faith ok?” She moves to Buffy’s side and fixes her eyes firmly on me, I catch the little glint in them, makes me think she’s enjoying this little spar with her sister. Maybe it’s nice for her to feel like B gives a shit. And I know that one… disappoint to get a reaction. Usually works. “I can’t meet you after school… I’m not technically back at school yet, but Buffy has work later…” She turns her head to her sister who looks like she’s trying her damn hardest not to strangle her. “…maybe you could come back then?”

What do I say? Buffy has trained those daggers on me now, seems like she’s pretty interested too.

“I… uh…”

“What she means is ‘no.’”

Well that sealed it for me. “What time suits ya?”

“I guess after tea? Willow has a ‘thing’ with Tara… ya know, a ‘lets talk over all our problems and cry for hours’ thing… and I don’t have homework… so what about seven?”

“Perfect.”

I could see B getting more and more pissed, I didn’t blame her, I did deserve it, but I just wish she would stop. Step back and I don’t know… give me a chance?

She turned her gaze to Dawn again, changed her tactics from shouting. “Why are you doing this Dawnie? Is it to hurt me? Is that it..? Is this some kind of punishment..?”

I told ya! Everything has to be about her!

“I know things have sucked lately… and I know it’s been hard, we’ve all made mistakes, but don’t do this, ok? Don’t think that she cares about you…”

“She cares more then you do!”

I watch as she raises her hand and traces it across Dawn’s cheek. I can sense as she pulls in a breath, can hear the weariness in it, and for a moment it flashes in her eyes. I get how hard this is for her too, how fucked up it is for everyone. I know I can’t, never could… but a bit of me does long to make it better.

“Dawn, can you just go inside for a minute? Let me speak to Faith alone?”

I see she doesn’t want to, I understand why. It must feel like the grown ups are cutting her out, sending her away so they can make the decisions about her. Without her.

“It’s ok Kiddo, I won’t go without saying bye, alright?”

She seems to take a little heart from my words and moves herself back inside. I reckon she’ll still hang around to listen. I sure as hell would.

“Why are you here Faith? Really? Why now?”

“You know why B, Dawn wanted me here… I figured maybe I could help her out, make her feel better.”

Her eyes glue themselves to the floor and she doesn’t speak for a long time. I wonder what she’s thinking, what she’s feeling. “I should be able to make her feel better. I should never have let this happen in the first place.”

Was she opening up or something? Was I meant to hug her?

I raced my way through every phrase I had ever heard, hoped I picked the right one. “It’ll be ok B… you wait and see, time heals everything right?”

I can see her searching my eyes so I try to keep them steady. It’s hard though, having her staring at me, looking inside of me. All of a sudden it’s like she’s found me wanting, I see the shutters come down, her shoulders square up. “No Faith, not ‘everything’. Some things go to shit forever.”

Yeah. That’s what she said. And don’t worry, I know she’s talking about me.

“It doesn’t have to be that way.” I feel like I’m talking in code. And I think I’m offering the proverbial olive branch.

“Yes it does. I want it that way.” And I think that that was a ‘no’. A rejection.

“Which brings us back to Dawn…” I didn’t want her knowing that I gave a shit, that I cared if she was ready to bury the past. “…the kid needs a friend B, and you may not like it, but I’m it.”

“I really DON’T like it… how can I trust you? She’s my sister, Faith.”

What could I say? I don’t have the reasons, or the answers. Maybe she shouldn’t trust me… maybe I would fuck up again? “Buffy… B… I’d never hurt her. When I heard, that night… what she did…” It all comes flooding back, that second in LA when we had all heard her pain, what she had done. “…I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t believe it.”

“You heard that night..?” I see the puzzlement. “…I thought Angel was the one who rang?”

“Well I was hardly likely to. But yeah… she rang me, we knew.”

For a moment I can see fury building up in her stance. “Why the fuck didn’t you let us know? Jesus Faith!…”

“Whoa hold on there girl, we didn’t hear till after, and Angel rang as soon as…”

“So it’s you?”

“What?”

“That Dawn’s been talking to? I should’ve guessed. God knows why I believed she was getting comfort from an over-aged vampire. But you..?”

She really was down on me. “Yeah… me. Sucks right?”

“It all sucks Faith. Everything.”

Never a truer word was spoken. I decide to try again. Appeal on Dawn’s behalf.

“Look, Buffy… I know ok, I know you hate me, I get that, I deserve that… I’m not asking you to stop, just give Dawn a break…” I have her attention, it’s a start. “…let me be there for her, just for a bit. I swear I won’t do anything to hurt her.”

I wonder if I should get down on my knees and beg. I probably would if it wouldn’t fill my head with thoughts of every other thing I’d like to do down on my knees. To her.

I see her sigh, it deflates the whole of her body.

“God what does it matter anyway, right?… It’s not like any of us have done any good… since mom it’s just been so…” she breaks off and looks past my shoulder. Out into the nowhere.

“So ‘what’ B?”

She gives a little hollow laugh, gives me the empty eyes. “Crap. It’s all been so crap.”

I have to wonder if there’ll ever be a day when she doesn’t break my heart. I can’t show her that though, she’d have no interest in that. “Things are what they are, ya gotta learn to roll with the punches.”

“Like you?”

“Something like that.”

At this moment it seems like everything has stopped. I can’t hear any noise, not a thing, the air it seems has even stopped it’s gentle blowing, like time just upped and froze.

She’s looking at me, I’m looking at her. I don’t know what to show her. I don’t know if I’m supposed to keep myself in one piece… or if I’m ‘sposed to show her the truth? I always wanted her attention, I used to crave it. Now I’d give anything to stop those eyes from boring into me.

“Okay.”

“Huh?”

“You can see her. I don’t want you here when I’m here, I don’t wanna see you… but I work a lot, you can come by then.”

“Thank you.” And I really mean it. I never thought that Buffy could see past herself. I guess I was wrong.

“This isn’t for you, it’s for Dawn…” Her voice gets a little emotion, a little crack over the words. “…I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s just so hard.”

I take a step forward. Don’t ask me why, I didn’t mean to, didn’t plan to, it just happened. One minute I was further away from her, the next I was inches from her, close enough to touch. I guess it spooked her.

“What are you doing? Get away from me Faith.” It sounded like she was pleading, it sounded odd. What did she think I was gonna do for Christ sake?

“Chill B, fuck… I wasn’t doing anything.” But I’ve lost her. Any minute that it seemed she didn’t want me dead is over, and I see the shutters as they slam back down across her face.

She opens her mouth and the monotone spills straight out. “I’ll get Dawn, you say goodbye, tell her you’re coming back later.” As she turns to walk inside, she remembers one more thing. “And Wills and Tara will be here, so no funny ideas!”

Funny ideas? I wasn’t feeling much fun.

Dawn thinks I’m a fucking hero when she gets back. She’s all full of a ‘We sure showed her’ attitude. But I didn’t feel like that. I felt kinda… I dunno, crap. I promise to return, tell her I’ll bring over pizza, maybe rent a movie. She’s all smiles. And I just wish it was catching.

Chapter 4

POV Tara

It feels so right to be in her space. It feels like everything I’ve been missing. Everything I’ve ever needed. I’ve only been here for five minutes yet I can tell already she as nervous as anything. She stumbled over every step of her hello and when she reached around me to help me take off my coat I could see as her cheeks flushed red. I like it when she blushes, it reminds me of those first few months, before she was really mine, but when I used to dream that she would be. She used to blush a lot back then. All wariness and confusion.

I’m forever grateful that she got over it. Now I just hope that I can get over mine.

It’s not a question of whether I want to be with her, I NEED to be with her. It’s just a question of whether I can live with being with her. The things that she done, the boundaries that she played with… they’re things that should never be taken lightly, should never be fooled with. And my mind..? Wasn’t it enough for her to be in my heart..?

I just wish we could go back. That all this talking, hurting… all the pain, I just wish it could be over, that she could take me up stairs to our room, to our bed and kiss it away. Make the passion in her touch more then just a treasured memory. But this is important.

I guess it’s like building a house. You have to get the foundations solid or it all comes crashing down. I sound like Xander. I’m gonna stop thinking.

I’m sitting on the couch waiting for her to bring me a drink. It’s taking a while because Dawn is pestering her about watching a movie. She wants us to go upstairs so she can watch TV downstairs. From what I can hear through the doors, Willow isn’t ready to take me upstairs. It would be a bit soon. Maybe.

As she comes in with the drink she’s still babbling away to herself.

“…and she just goes to work and leaves me here to deal with it? Is she mad? I know I’m a big bad Wicca but… well I can’t DO that stuff anymore…”

She looks at me now and her eyes go wider.

“…not that I want to! No way mister! I’m all about the given up… no magic here!”

I hold my hand out to her to encourage her to give me my drink, it’s sloshing over the sides with the level of her excitement, and I’m worried there won’t be any left for me.

“Huh..? Oh right! Drink…” She hands it to me managing not to throw it at me and carries on her speed talk. “…But how does she expect me to protect Dawn without magic? I know you can do magic… but you shouldn’t have to, I’M in charge here. I just don’t understand why she said it’s ok? Do you think she’s finally lost it?”

I think she may have forgotten that I have no idea what she’s talking about.

“Willow..?”

“Yeah?”

“Who’s lost it? And what are we talking about?”

“I didn’t tell you..? I thought I told you… Faith! She’s back. Here. And she’s coming to see Dawn… and I have to watch her!”

“Faith?”

The name was very familiar. It was niggling something in the back of my mind.

“You know! Big bad ass slayer Faith? Body stealing psycho Faith!”

Of course! I think maybe I should thank Faith for that one. It made way for the perfect piece of sorcery. I let my mind visit there quickly. The soft feel of skin, her hand as it trembled against mine. Her heat. Her power.

It was a night I would never forget. But Faith..? Here? It sounded kind of dangerous… like maybe Buffy should be here babysitting and not us.

“Is sh… she dangerous?”

“NO! She’s not!”

And here comes Dawn to join the fun. She’s wearing the same pout that Buffy is so fond of, it’s just as adorable and just as persuasive. I can’t believe what she did the other night. It hurts me to think that she feels that lost, that alone. It shows how bad a job we’ve all done, how messed up we’ve been in our own problems. It’s so easy to forget though sometimes, living on the hell mouth. You lose sight of the little things. The important things.

I give her a little smile. “How do you know sweetie?”

“What does it matter? No one listens to me anyway!”

Willow is pleading with me using her eyes. I know all of her expressions and this one is asking for help. She wants me to calm Dawn down, to make it better. To say the right words.

“I listen to you. Come and sit down and tell me… I promise I’ll listen.”

She teenage struts her way to the sofa and throws herself down in a gesture of disenchantment. If things hadn’t been so serious lately it would’ve been something which made me smile. Now I just want to make her smile.

“So what’s up? I take it, it has to do with… Faith?”

She glares up at Willow, letting her know how passionate she is in what she has to say.

“Yes. She’s coming to see me and all everyone wants to do is be down on her! Like no one else never made a mistake…”

“She killed people Dawnie.”

“Well YOU nearly killed ME!”

She has a point.

“Yeah I know… and you know how sorry I am, how much I regret that, but it’s different…” She looks as if she’s ordering her thoughts, picking her words. “…Faith meant to do everything she did, she liked doing the things she did… she’s evil Dawn, and that’s something which doesn’t just change.”

“How do you know?” Yes, I had to ask.

She turns to me in surprise as if she assumed I would be on her side. But I really want to know. If Dawn has found something redeeming in Faith then who are we to dismiss that? I remember I’d always found the details surrounding Faith kind of..? I don’t know. But everyone has such a bad opinion of her, always telling the tales of she did this, she did that… but from what I understand she was just a kid. Like Dawn is now. And she was all on her own. I can’t believe that no one ever found that odd. I find it odd.

“I know because I was there. I saw what she did.”

“But that’s not fair! You all have these rules for you guys, and everyone else just isn’t good enough… with your stupid Scooby gang… well I think you all suck!”

Willow doesn’t have an answer for that. Lately we have all sucked.

“Look… I’m sorry ok? You have to remember though Dawn, I have a past with her. There’s loadsa bad water there and it hasn’t all flowed under the bridge.”

“But can’t you just try? Please? For me?”

There’s such pleading in her voice. She sounds so much older then her years and it reminds me of how much she has been through. I reach out unbidden and slip my arm around her shoulders, draw her into me and whisper the words she wants to hear.

“I’ll try sweetie. I promise… she gets a fresh slate from me. If she’s your friend she must have some redeeming qualities, right?”

Her eyes are all ablaze now. I hope they stay that way.

“She is SO awesome, really… like I’ve been talking to her for ages, since she got out… ya know…” She lowers her voice, makes it dramatic, I’m guessing she’s got some hero worship going on. “…from the big house…”

“I thought she only made Juvie?” At least Willow is listening to her.

“Well yeah… Juvie, but it’s just as bad, I saw this whole ‘Geraldo’ expo thingy on them once, and it’s tough… you have all these gangs and initiations…”

“So you think she was in a gang?” I know I said I would give her a chance but I’m not so keen on Dawn getting into the gang scene. Sunnydale isn’t that far from LA, it could happen.

“No! She stayed away from them… she even had to spend loadsa time in solitary cos she beat all these girls that were trying to force her to chase dragons…”

“But I thought she was a slayer? Isn’t chasing dragons part of the job?”

She looks at me like we’re from different planets. Maybe further away then that. “NOT them kind of dragons! You know..?” She puts on her most solemn face and whispers the word. “Drugs.”

Oh… THAT chasing the dragon. Well that’s good. She doesn’t do drugs.

“So what’s she been doing since she’s been out?”

“Oh she works with Angel… she’s really important, an integral part of the team. And she’s done LOADS of good stuff, maybe even more then you guys have done lately…” Definitely hero worship. “…and Angel said she’s really changed, that he’s proud of her.”

She sits back and looks at me, her eyes shining with righteousness.

“Well I’m sure if Angel says that, she must be doing really well.” She smiles now, and I can see her mentally chalking it up. One down, lots to go. I offer her a bit more, making her smile is making me happy. “I can’t wait to meet her.”

“You already met her, don’t you remember Tara..?” Please don’t burst her bubble Will. “When she stole Buffy’s body? She made fun of you?”

Dawn stiffens at my side and it’s like all the good work has been undone. I try my best.

“That’s in the past now, I’m prepared to start fresh, forgive old mistakes…” I look her dead in the eye, I want her to know how serious I am. “…you should think about that Willow, forgiveness and mistakes. As someone who might be looking for some…”

I leave it unsaid, but I can see she gets my meaning. It’s hard when you realise you’re a hypocrite.

The knocking at the door tenses the room. We all look at each other, no one really sure who makes the next move. Willow surprises even herself I think when she takes a step down.

“Ok, ok… I’ll get it! But I’m watching her Dawn… Buffy said to watch her and if she even thinks about thinking about making a wrong move, you better believe I’ll be there.”

“I’ll tell her, she’ll be terrified.”

“Dawn?” I get her attention and shake my head. If Willow’s prepared to play nice then so should she.

“I didn’t mean it… can’t anyone take a joke?”

Not at the moment. Jokes are really thin on the ground.

More banging encourages Willow to open the door. Her stance is so challenging and I only hope it’s not a random caller. For a moment it’s just silence. I’m watching Willow watching her, and I can see it all in her face. She’s struggling to say hello, cos she’s not really sure if she wants to. Finally her mouth opens and the words come out without too much distaste. I’m gonna take that as a positive.

“Hello Faith… erm, I guess you wanna come in?”

“Red. Yeah. Cool.”

So they’re not hugging. Give me time.

Dawn’s up and out of the chair in less then seconds. Makes me wonder about the land speed record.

“Hey Faith! I have SO been looking forward to this…” She’s grabbed onto her arm and is pulling her into the centre of the room, almost like she’s a show model. When she has her placed firmly in front of me, she stops and motions with her hand. “…this is Tara, she’s really nice, much nicer then the others… I think you were kinda mean to her once, but she’s willing to move on. Say ‘hello’”

The poor girl just stands there bewildered, she’s looking at Dawn as if still trying to process her words, and at the same time I can see her warily eyeing me, perhaps trying to place when exactly she was mean to me. I decide to help her out, let her know what crime she stands accused of.

“It was the whole… body swap? Thing. At the Bronze..?”

She still looks a little puzzled, raising her eyebrow as if for more clues.

“I was with Willow… you assumed I was ‘with’ Willow?”

I see recognition cross her face, it looks a little like horror. She’s telegraphing her regret for the world to see, and I have to wonder if she’s always this expressive. Her eyes are just so… open?

“Oh… I remember…” She looks down at her boots, scuffs one toe against the other. When she raises her head she pauses for a moment, draws a deep breath and looks me straight in the eye. “…I’m really sorry about that, I know you’ve no reason to believe me… but if I could change that, it would be done. I just…” She looks like if she starts telling me she might never stop. I bet she has a thousand words she’s never spoken. She gives a frustrated shrug of her shoulders, holds out her hands at her sides. “I’m sorry.”

It’s enough for me.

“I’m Tara.” I offer her a full on smile, one which shows her apologies are done with me. She takes the hand I hold out and gives it a firm shake.

“Faith… and, I dunno? Thank you.”

Now I see her smile. It’s so sensual I almost want to blush. We are definitely keeping her around!

“Don’t mention it.” I let go of her hand before I’m forced to give it a squeeze. She just has such an aura around her. It’s the eyes. If I didn’t have a Willow I’d be finding out already if this girl drove anything other then stick.

She’s casting them eyes up to Willow now, she’s hesitating… I would guess she wants to know if it’s ok to make that apology yet. If Willow is ready to forgive.

My little red head has always had expressive eyes too. It was one of the first things I noticed. Now they’re flitting between me and Faith, she knows what might be coming and she doesn’t know what to do. I can’t make the decision for her, she has to be ready to accept it for herself.

I cock my head to the side and give her a little half smile, it’s the one she likes, she thinks it’s cute, it makes her go all gooey. I remember when she first told me that, I practiced it in front of the mirror for days after. Young love. I miss it.

Faith finally forces some kind of audible noise from her throat, it’s a cross between a squeak and a cough, and I can only imagine how hard this is for her. Standing in front of someone you know has no time for you and asking them to make time. It’s hard.

“Look Red… Willow?”

She does look, and I can see her fidgeting, her hands pulling on a fray at the bottom of her jersey.

“I don’t know if you wanna hear this, but hey… nothing to lose right?” She looks hopefully at her, and I only hope my girl is ready to give her a chance, even if only for Dawn’s sake. “I know I screwed up, the things I done, all of it… and I am sorry…”

Willow makes a little gurgly noise in the back of her throat. Almost like she was getting set to choke, she holds it in though. Motions at Faith to carry on.

“…and I’m sorry I’m here, I know you guys don’t want me here, and that’s cool… but I came to see Dawn. I don’t wanna get in anyone’s way, or cause any problems… I just wanna help the girl out. Okay?”

The silence is all encompassing. I don’t think any of us are breathing. I know Faith’s not, I can see the colour going from her cheeks.

“Willow… please?”

I second that Dawn. Please?

I see the defiance as it settles on her face and for a moment I fear the worst, her shoulders sag a little though and then she makes a quick shrugging gesture.

“I feel like I’m finally going crazy for saying this… but fine. Ok. Yay, great your back! Can’t wait to catch up… and if you so much as even think about putting a foot wrong I swear Faith… I don’t care how big and bad you are, I can be bigger and a damn sight badder… are we clear on that?”

She’s considering… sizing Willow up. In the end she holds up the bag she has in her hand. “Wanna watch a movie? Get some pizza?”

And now my girl smiles. I guess they reached an understanding.

“What’s the movie?”

“Return of the body snatchers.”

“Huh?”

“Kidding!” She pulls a copy of The Matrix from the bag, hands it to Willow. “I love the fighting, maybe you can explain the bits I never got?”

“Uh… The Matrix? I never saw that one.”

“Wicked! I can convert you…” She looks at me, flashes me that smile again. “…but then I guess Tara over there already got that sorted.”

Willow gives me a shy little look and it’s a look I’ve missed. I love it whenever her eyes are on me… but those shy eyes? So completely hot. And endearing.

“Yeah. She got that sorted alright.”

Please let all our pain be over? I just wanna hold her in my arms, where she should be.

Dawn decides to break the moment by ushering Will to put the movie on, you can see how excited she is to have some semblance of calm in the house, to have an evenings entertainment in place because of her. For her. I smile right along with her. If Faith can do that I look forward to seeing what else she can do. There’s lots of people round here that could do with some smiles.

Those smiles I wanted? They didn’t come. Everything was going so well. We watched the movie, it was certainly… different. Not one I would have picked, but in the end I enjoyed it. It’s one of those that makes you think… what if? But then I live in Sunnydale… there’s no computer programmer anywhere, robot or otherwise that could invent anything as ludicrous as our lives. No way.

Willow wasn’t warm to Faith but then she wasn’t cold either, and as far as I’m concerned that’s fine. Better then fine. She made me proud tonight, accepting Faith’s apology was hard for her, but she did it, she’s trying.

I wish everyone were the same.

It all went wrong when Buffy got home. Time had gotten away from us, none of us were watching the clock, the movie was done and we had finally gotten round to ordering the pizza. We were sat around the table, laughing, eating. It was just nice. We were all having some fun away from everything that’s been happening. We weren’t talking about bads or nasties… about relationships gone wrong. We were just having fun. Maybe that was the problem.

Dawn had just challenged Faith to see who could eat a slice of pizza the quickest, my money was on Faith… I’ve seen Buffy’s ability to inhale food when she wants to, I was betting Faith was cut from the same cloth. But my voice was behind Dawn, I wanted her to win, and I think Faith did too. She was going as slow as she dared without being obvious, giving her the time to keep up;

“Dawnie, Dawnie, Dawnie…”

“Hungh… wha bou me?” It was hard to hear her through the pizza, and her face just made us laugh. Willow was fixing her eyes on Dawn as if she could make her eat quicker, obviously firmly on her side to the point of obsession.

“Come on Dawn… you get this I’ll take ya to the Bronze next weekend, and I’ll buy ya drinks all night… non alcohol ones… and I’ll do your math homework for a week, and I won’t tell Buffy you spilt cranberry juice all over her white top..!”

Yeah. She was obsessive.

We didn’t even hear Buffy come in and even when I first saw her walk in I didn’t think anything of it. I wasn’t paying attention. She tossed the bag of food down on the table between us, making us all stop. The air instantly chilling.

“I brought dinner home, I thought you might be hungry, I guess not.” Her eyes were raging as they settled in distaste on Faith. “And what the hell is SHE still doing here?” She looked pointedly at Willow, accusation plain to see. “…and not just here… but here with YOU!”

“I’m sorry Buffy… I just, with Dawn… and she…” There weren’t words that would pacify Buffy though and I think she realised that. “…I didn’t realise the time.”

“So what..? You’re best buddies behind my back now?”

“Look B, just chill ok? Red didn’t do nothing wrong… I was just leaving.”

She got to get up from her chair, when Dawn chose to speak.

“I WON!”

She was holding her plate upside down, speaking as if Buffy hadn’t even walked in the room. Faith looked down at her own plate, the small piece of food still there.

“Yeah, you won… we’ll celebrate later, I gotta shoot now.”

Dawn’s eyes immediately narrowed on Buffy, her tone just as sharp as her glare. “Why do you have to always ruin everything? I’m so sick of you! I wish I had died last week…” We all paused I guess in shock, it was just so vehement, so painful. “…I wish you had died, had stayed dead!”

Can you guess how high the tension was? It was like even a deep breath would be enough to make it all go crazy. In the end Buffy just went anyway.

“You selfish bitch!”

“Buffy!” That was Willow, it could have been any of us.

“What Wills? I’m supposed to just take this crap because poor Dawn’s so fragile? Well guess what? I’M sick of it… I died for her! You remember that? Cos I do Willow… every single damn second I remember taking that choice, making that choice… and what she did?” She was really rolling, accentuating every word with a gesture of her hand, expression on her face. “That makes all this… everything, god… it’s so damn pointless! Don’t you get that?”

I could see Faith rising, see her moving around the table to stand in front of Buffy, I was scared. For all of us.

“And you think I’M bad?”

“Get out of my face, get out of my house!”

“No B… you all wanna talk about being sick? Well how about I wade in with some sickness of my own?”

“I don’t care about your sickness Faith, didn’t you figure that bit out yet?”

“You don’t care about anything though do ya B? You’ve got a kick ass little sister here and all she wants is a second of your fucking attention.” She flicked her look to Dawn, gave her a full on smile, replaced her scowl and went back to Buffy. “But ya can’t can ya? I’ve gotta side with Dawn… maybe ya should’ve stayed dead, saved us all some heartache.”

It was obvious it was going go.

“I hate you so much.”

“Wanna show me?”

And then she was flying back over the table and onto Dawn. It was chaos so quick that it was hard to see what was happening. Buffy was trying to get across to her, Dawn was squealing under Faith’s weight, Willow was attempting to get Buffy to stop… and I was wondering what the hell to do. It’s handy sometimes being the witch.

Just a little explosion of light and they all stopped their madness. The bang helped, even I jumped and I was the one that made it. Faith raised herself wearily from the now breathless Dawn and rubbed her hand over her jaw.

“That’s two now B, I’m gonna let ya have them on account of I probably deserve it.” Now I finally got to see what scary Faith looked like. It was almost like she snarled the words. “I’m not here to be your bitch though, and if ya gonna keep doing that, you know I’m gonna start hitting back.”

“You’re just so noble aren’t you?”

“No B, I’m fucking human. You might wanna give it a go.”

She looked at Dawn then, I could see the apology written on her face. “Look kid, I’m sorry bout that, but I gotta go. I’ll swing by tomorrow, when everyone’s calmed down.” Dawn didn’t answer. She just looked sad. It worried me. “Red, Tara… it’s been great, really… I guess I’ll catch ya later.”

Then she went to the front door and left. No looks back. No change of mind. It was so very messed up. The charge between the two of them is so intense. If it’s always like that it’s probably half the problem. Too much tension.

I started to clear the stuff away, clean the plates of the rest of the pizza, I guessed no one would want to eat anymore. Buffy just sat in a chair. Put her head in her arms and stayed that way. Willow took Dawn upstairs, I guess to put her to bed. To comfort her.

I was scared to speak but I had to say something. I didn’t know all of Buffy’s issues, I knew some of them… but she was never around. Certainly wasn’t interested half the time in being there for Dawn.

“Buffy?” I took her over a mug of chocolate, something to sweeten I hoped. She barely looked up and when she did I could see the tear tracks that were staining her face. “Hey sweetie, come on… it’s not that bad ok? Just take a deep breath.”

But my words of comfort just seemed to make her worse. Her shoulders were shaking now and I didn’t know what to do. The most natural thing was to go to her, to slide my arms around her and hold her close. She let me.

“Do you wanna talk about it? It might help?”

“Oh god Tara… its just so…” She was forcing the words out from between the sobs, like she didn’t want to speak them. “…everything is wrong. It’s like I came back and nothing is the same. Nothing feels the same…” Her eyes are so full of pain, the tears stopping to leave just the bare truth. She’s hurting and bad. “…why can’t I just be the same as before? I just want to feel Tara… I just want to feel.”

I’d seen her anger tonight, so I knew she could feel that. I needed her to clarify. “Feel what Buffy… what do you want to feel?”

I could see her sadness, tried to imagine what she would say. But I wouldn’t get to hear. The door at the back slammed shut and Spike made his way into the room.

“Slayer… I thought we had things to do?”

She put her head back in her arms, her nose to the table. “Why? Why me… can you tell me that one Tara?”

She lost me again. I settled for smiling, letting her know we could talk later if she had to go slaying.

“What happened in here anyway? You have a rowdy gathering and forget to invite me?”

“Why would I invite you?”

I saw the look he gave her and it made me want to shudder.

“You tell me.”

She got up and offered me a look of apology. “I have to go Tara, tell Dawn I’ll look in on her when I get back… I won’t be long, this won’t take long.”

Spike made his way to the back door and I could see him waiting there for her, running those eyes up her as if he owns her, as if he wants to eat her. It worried me a bit, what with him being a vampire and all.

I could see how much he was smiling and how much she wasn’t. I’m getting a vibe. I want to ignore it.

“Well I’m gonna head back in a while, I’ll look in on Dawnie and Will, I’ll see you soon though Buffy…” She nodded without enthusiasm. It was how she did most things lately. “…we’ll finish our chat?”

“Yep, sure Tara. Thanks.”

And that was the night. I did check in on Dawn. She was distraught, not only with what Buffy had said but what she had said to Buffy. She loves her sister so much, and this feeling she has at the moment that Buffy doesn’t care? It’s tearing her up inside.

I told her that she’d look in when she got back and that seemed to comfort her a little.

As for Willow. She was sad too. It’s a lot for everyone. Too much. I took her in my arms and held her as close as I dared. I wanted to kiss her, to slip my tongue between her lips and show her how much I loved her. But I didn’t. I placed one tiny kiss by the side of her ear. Told her I loved her instead. It was enough to make her smile. For me to leave her in a happy place.

I know what Buffy means. I wish things could be the same as well. But they aren’t. We aren’t. Now we just have to learn how to live with the changes. How to make it all alright again.

Chapter 5

POV: Faith

Two days. Two bliss filled days of silence. I swear I thought my head would explode if I had to listen to anymore of her shit. And if not my head then me. I wanted to. So fucking much I wanted to wipe that self righteous wounded look from her face. But I didn’t. I held my shaking arms tight at my side, said my piece and left.

Maybe it was for Dawn. Maybe if she hadn’t have been there then Buffy would’ve learnt real quick that I won’t be standing for her crap. And I really won’t.

Half of me wants to, half of me wants to lay down and tell her to give me the best she’s got. All that pain that she’s trying so hard to hide, she can unload it my way, I can take pain. But the other half… that’s the half that cares about me. About what I need. My own pain.

Who knew that being back could be so much fun? A real fucking laugh riot.

When she said that shit about Dawn, I wanted to fucking break her. How could she? I know she’s got her issues… but man, Dawn’s a kid. You could just about feel her heart tearing in two, I had to say something.

Maybe I should’ve just shut up. Left it alone. It’s hardly my place to preach is it? She just makes me so damn mad. The whole time I’ve known her, she’s never had enough sense to know when she’s got some good stuff going. So she died..? So fucking what! I lay in a coma for eight months… at least she got her sabbatical in heaven. And now she’s back, with her family, her friends, and yeah it’s hard… but for Christ sake B!

I just wanna shake her. Really damn hard. You know, maybe wrench those eyes open for her and show her what she’s missing. It ain’t perfect, but it’s living. It’s worth something.

I took Dawn out to the movies last night, nothing heavy, some girly chick flick crap that had me reaching for the sick bucket. She liked it though. Was totally full of smiles the whole time we were there and through milkshakes. Pretty much made it through the walk home as well. That’s when things got crappy.

She started asking me if she could stay with me for a while. Ya know, cos she’s happiest when she hangs out with me. What could I say? It had to be a ‘no’. Didn’t matter what I thought, what I wanted for the kid… I knew that teaching her to run away from her problems just ain’t the way to go.

I got pissed with her when she said she had other places she could go;

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“What I said, I have friends I could stay with. People that care if I’m happy…”

“Don’t even go there Dawn! I get that your sisters treating ya like crap, and that blows… but if you think you can pull the brat act with me, then you’re wrong…” I swear she was doing petulant. Hard to remember how old she is sometimes, especially when she starts acting like a two year old. “You know I care, that’s why I’m here. But letting you crash at mine just isn’t happening.”

“But I hate it there!”

“I know ya do, but ya gotta get through it.”

She slumped her shoulders and pulled a perfect B pout. It was kinda freaky the likeness. “Can’t I just stay for a little while, like a couple of days… I bet Buffy wouldn’t even know I was gone.”

She was probably right, but it was still wrong. She had a home, she belonged there.

“I can’t kid, I’m sorry but no.”

The rest of the walk to the house was stomped along in silence. Her always keeping a couple of steps ahead. She tried behind at first but there’s no way I’m not keeping my eye on her. She learnt pretty quick that in front was the only way to go.

I think she thought I was gonna just let her walk away without a goodbye, without some kind of assurance that I’d see her soon. She almost ran those last couple of steps, but I’m quicker, beat her to the door and stuck my ass right in front of her.

“So what? You don’t say thanks for a wicked evening, haven’t you got any manners?”

I got to see Dawn’s own version of pissed eyes then. She cast them up quick, burning with that quiet kind of rage. “Thank you… the movie was great, just what I needed to take my mind off of the fact that my life is crap. Worse then crap… really, thanks.”

Maybe there was a Summers self pity gene?

“What is it with you guys, huh? Yeah, life can be shit, I get that better then most… but Dawn, you have so much going for you and things WILL get better.” I did a twirl, made her at least pretend to smile. “I mean look at me… who would’ve thought a couple of years ago that I would’ve turned out so damn good?”

It wasn’t the best ad in the world for a better life I know, but ya have to work with what you’ve got. At least she didn’t look quite so pissed when she went in, was still playing at grumpy, but pissed had gone. It’s damn hard work trying to keep this girl smiling.

I didn’t make firm see ya again plans, she’s supposed to be seeing her counsellor this evening and then going straight home. So I’m just chilling on my own. I forgot how noisy this place could be, how mad it made my head. Even sitting here on my own I can’t let it go. It’s why I needed a little time, just a rest from the madness.

I was tempted to go Bronzing… to live a little just for me. But the fucking fear of seeing HER keeps me here confined. My whole world is in conflict whenever I’m near her… I’m finding it hard to deal.

I never expected that she would welcome me back, I wouldn’t have trusted it if she did… but I didn’t think that the feeling, the..? GOD! I can’t even think it straight… the thing that’s us, that fucking charge I mentioned, whatever that bullshit is or isn’t… I didn’t think I’d be pulled in again. Damned helpless again.

Angel, Angel, calling Angel. Do ya copy?

Yeah. He loves the helpless. I wonder if there’s a limit on saves per person? I’ll have to remember to ask him. He’s still trying to sort me a baby sitter. He said I can have first choice but I have to wait till next week. He offered me the quicker alternative… I said no. I’m really looking forward to it… Dawn’s great, most of the time, and Tara’s wicked… even Red shocked the shit out of me with her acceptance of me being here… but I miss my own buddies. Talk about things other then Sunnydale.

The thinking is pissing me off. I’m gonna shower, possibly drink… definitely sleep. No more Summers thoughts. I’ll think about winter, it’s colder. It suits.

POV: None

The master of the lair surveyed his scene with an air of pronounced grandeur. He liked the feeling. Liked knowing that he controlled everything before him. It was his. He had earned it, made it happen. His subjects cowered before him on the floor, looking up through glazed eyes of appreciation, hanging onto every word that marched from his mouth with certain authority.

“But why does it have to be me?”

The whining words broke the leader from his self important daze. What a moment ago had been his loyal subject was now just Andrew. Just Andrew in the basement and questioning his perfect plan.

“It has to be you. It can’t be me…” he raised his chin to the side, showed off his profile. “…I’m much too important to do the field work on this, I need to be here… running things, taking charge… and as for him…” he motioned to his other subject, allowed his eyes to run disdainfully over his form. “…who would ever believe it? He’s much too short for the job. It’s a question of genetics. Think yourself lucky.”

“Maybe she likes the more… vertically challenged male, I could be the man of her dreams.”

“Johnathan, Johnathan… let me break it down for you.” He flipped over the white board which was just in front of him to show his troops the detailed and very graphic stick man drawing with the plans for the ambush. “We need to get her here…” he pointed with his plastic pointer to the entrance of the park. “…but we also need to make sure that all the targets are in the right place. Remember, this is our in, our chance to get a foot in the door… inside the central nervous system of the enemy’s camp.”

Now he placed his pointer next to the stick figure of Johnathan, half the size of any other illustration. “This my little wizard is you… from here it’s your job to create the monster… remember, nothing too scary… it could get dangerous, just something to frighten… to allow Indiana Jerkoff to rescue the girl…”

“Uh… how dangerous is dangerous?”

“Not now Andrew.”

“But this is my life we’re talking about… how utterly dangerous will it be?” The very nervous blonde haired boy was casting his gaze around himself wondering how the hell he had ever gotten himself to here. Yes he was Tucker’s brother and with that came a certain responsibility to uphold the craft of summoning demons… but what Warren was suggesting..? It scared him. Summoning the thing he wanted was too much even for Andrew, they would need the ultimate witch… the most powerful magics, and to get that witch there, all sorts of in depth and scary plans needed to be executed. Least of all this one.

“It’ll be nothing, we’ll be watching the whole time… ready to jump in at a moments notice.”

Warren’s words didn’t reassure him. Sometimes he felt like Warren was in this just for himself. Just because he wanted to rule the world. To be King. The evil Emperor.

“But I’m not good with danger. I get hives… then I start itching…”

“There won’t be danger, ok? We’ll conjure up a magic pony instead and you can take her for a ride around the park… would that be better? That’s definitely a much better plan… why didn’t I think of that?”

He waited a moment, let the silence hang. “Because I’m not a stupid sissy, that’s why!”

Andrew could feel himself cowering under Warren’s gaze. He liked it usually when he was all assertive, but this wasn’t nice. He could feel his insides churning from the knowledge of his leader’s disappointment in him.

“Ok… I’ll do it.”

“I know you will.” He turned back to the board, pointed again to the entrance of the park. “We need to wait till the Slayer is in place. We need a witness, someone to see you saving her. Your hero moment.”

Andrew’s hands were starting to sweat. He reminded himself to breathe deep. He could do this. He would just pretend he was someone else. Maybe Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing, he always had a way with the girls. Maybe he could find a leather jacket. With shoulder pads. Learn some smooth moves.

“When we give you the signal you go for it. Three quick hits and it’ll vaporise… you’ll be the saviour, the slayer will be in your debt… and we my friends will be on our way to ruling the world.”

“And why can’t we just take the witch now and be done with it?”

“Johnathan… did you raise your hand?”

“Uh… no?”

“Well if you want to speak in future, raise your hand. None of us have got time for silly questions, lets find a way to cut them out.”

Johnathan also found himself wondering how he’d gotten into this. Since the whole ‘Superstar’ magic went wrong he’d been struggling to make a go of anything. He tried to go straight, just be him… but it didn’t work. Andrew and Warren at least accepted him… they let him hang out with them, and he was allowed to speak sometimes as well.

“If you’d been paying attention you’d know ‘the witch’ has quit magic. I don’t think us saying please is gonna make her do it again… especially not the world ending kind, she’s a habit of working for the light side of the force.” He shook his head sadly. He’d had such hopeful ambitions when he had sent Rak her way. Had witnessed her addiction getting out of hand… but in the end her friends had saved her. She quit cold turkey. Now they needed a way of knowing how to turn her back onto magic. Dark magic. They needed a mole in the camp. An Andrew sized mole.

“This way we’ll know everything about her. Her strengths, her weaknesses. Everything… and before you know it will all be ours…”

He took up his leadership stance again. Walked a commanding path in front of his men. Shoulders back, head held proud.

“… we’ll be unstoppable. Presidents will kneel before us and beg for our mercy, rulers will cower under our gaze, even Gods will be scared to question our actions… we will be the highest power… the ultimate power… we will be Kings!”

Before him on the floor his subjects again withered. In Johnathan’s eyes was fear. He wanted to be King… always had, but ultimate power? It sounded like a big responsibility. And Warren was right. He was a little short.

Andrew’s was a mixed gaze of fear and admiration. It was scary, it was a huge quest on which they had embarked… but Warren always looked so powerful when he was like this, it made him want to… believe in him.

The only thing which really stood out from Warren’s eyes was evil. Pure and simple. Evil.

POV: Faith

There’s never such a thing as a quiet night in. You may think you’re just gonna chill out alone, get in some quality drinking time and hit the sack, but some person always has to have other ideas. Their own set of plans.

I’d managed some drinking time, it was a pleasant diversion and my ETA on a crash time was set pretty soon. When I first heard the banging I figured it was my head, wouldn’t be the first time I had unexplained noises in the cranium… but hearing my name screeched right along with it was kinda unsettling. It didn’t take too long after that to figure out it was the door. And they say alcohol dulls the senses. Never!

I cast my eyes across at my companion, he sat there half drunk, just one little bottle asking for my friendship. I didn’t like to leave him, he’d been good to me, but the banging was louder and I knew I probably should answer.

“Won’t be a minute, keep yourself amused.”

He didn’t answer. He never did. It’s kinda why I liked him.

Answering the door to Buffy fucked with my breathing. Seriously, I couldn’t do it. I stood there getting redder and redder wondering if she was gonna speak. I think I may have grunted. It didn’t encourage friendly conversation.

“Where is she?”

Who? I think I looked at her confused, I still didn’t have the air for speaking.

“Don’t fuck with me Faith, where IS she?”

She looked totally pissed and it didn’t take a genius to work out what was coming next. I offered her confused again and she offered me her fist. It fucking hurt! Again! It released my ability to breath though and I sucked in a damn big lungful of oxygen. I was gonna need it, I was mad.

“What the hell IS your fucking problem!?” I think I got in her space because I was pretty soon aware of her hands on my chest, pushing me back. I forced against her, urged her to feel the fucking heat I had for her, how damn mad she had made me. “Don’t push me away B, don’t come to my fucking apartment and push me away!”

She pushed harder, broke my resistance. I landed back on my ass, her looming over me, nothing but absolute contempt for me in her gaze. “Tell me where she is!”

We were still on that? I didn’t have a clue.

I slowly pulled myself up, my eyes on her the whole time. I was watching for the sneaky move, the knife in the gut. “What the fuck are you talking about? Where’s who?”

If she didn’t answer me like a damn human being I was putting her on HER ass. I was so sick of the way she found to speak to me. Those few seconds of something else, nothing to balance the disgust she treated me with at any other time. Her eyes gave her away. Her ass was where she would be.

“I know the idiot’s easy for you to play Faith, but don’t insult me… where the hell is she?”

Bye bye Buffy.

I sat her on her ass so quick she didn’t have a clue what had happened and in my head I silently thanked Angel for all the speed training he had made me do. It helped. She went to get up, so I chose my time to speak.

“Slow down B, if your gonna continue talking shit at me I’m gonna keep putting you on your ass… seems like a waste of time, so unless you got something worth saying, I suggest you stay down there.”

“Bitch!”

I sighed. I couldn’t help it. I was so damn tired of all of this. I didn’t come here for this. I swear I didn’t.

“Right. I’m a bitch, you’re a bitch, we’re both bitches…” I sighed again. It was my action of the evening. “…we’ve got that covered ok? Now please, before I lose whatever bit of sanity has stuck it out this long, what ARE you talking about.”

I could see her looking around me, trying to see inside my apartment.

“Do ya wanna come in?”

I had to offer. Even slayer sight couldn’t go round corners.

I saw her sag, as if she just decided to stop supporting her own weight. It must be hard being in her head right now, I haven’t a damn clue what goes on in there, ever… but you could see how hard it is.

It made me soften. I didn’t want to, hard was the best way to play it with her, I had learnt that… but I couldn’t help it. Maybe I had changed. Had grown. Matured.

“Hey, come on… you can tell me what’s going on.” I leant out, put my hand down to her, offered her a lift.

You know she refused right? It was so obvious that I think that’s maybe why I offered. To prove to myself how well I knew her. She lifted herself up, dusted herself down.

“Fine, I’ll come in… but it’s only to check that she isn’t here. I don’t want to come in.”

Charming. I just raised my eyebrows at her, I didn’t have the right words. I was still feeling soft.

“So who are we looking for?”

“Not we, me. And Dawn.”

Fuck! Of course. What else would bring her to my door?

“Dawn..? What’s going on?”

She didn’t answer, she went from room to room in my place. Even had the gall to open the doors to my closet space.

“For crying out loud B, she isn’t here!…” No reaction, no stopping her from her course. “…why are you going through my laundry?…” Nothing. “…get the fuck out of my stuff!”

That was it. She had turned to me holding a pair of my discarded lacy panties, her eyebrow slightly quirked. What the fuck was this? I know she didn’t think she was finding Dawn anywhere near my panties.

“Jesus B… will you just stop?”

She made her way from my bathroom back into the bedroom. Finally came to stop at the bed. Sat herself down. Sighed a sigh of her own.

“Where is she?”

“What? You gotta know I don’t know…”

“Where is she?”

Did someone get stuck on repeat?

“I don’t know B… but we’ll find her. Where did you see her last?”

Her eyes finally made their way up to mine. And yeah, my heart broke. I told you, it happens everyday for her. They were so… desolate. There must be so much pain in there if this is what she has to do to keep it all at bay. Make herself empty. I remembered the feeling. And I knew the things I had done when I felt that way. I worried for her then. I couldn’t help myself.

I went to the bed and knelt down in front of her. My hand went to make it’s way to her head, to the hair that was hanging in front of her face. I wanted her to know that I saw her. In there somewhere, I still saw her. Her voice froze me. It had all the steel I remembered.

“Don’t. Don’t touch me Faith.”

My hand hung there for a moment, undecided. I was strong, I knew I could break through steel. But I wasn’t brave enough, didn’t have the courage to try. I let it drop back down. Let myself drop down. I rested on my haunches, allowed just my eyes to rest on her.

She continued on. Matter of fact. “She was supposed to have her counsellor tonight. The school arranged it, because… because of what she did. What she tried to do.”

It was hard to be matter of fact though when it comes to your sister and her voice betrayed what her eyes didn’t. A little of what she was feeling, of what she had lost.

“I was at home, and yes I know, that makes a change… but I’m trying ok?” She didn’t wait for my answer, didn’t need it I guess. “The school rang. Dawn didn’t show, the lady waited there for an hour, then she called me.”

Her shoulders raised again in a sigh. “I waited at home, I don’t know, I guessed she was just trying to piss me off… then it got dark, and I…” She flitted her eyes to mine so quick, I nearly blinked, nearly missed it. “…I thought she was with you, I thought you said she could come here… she said she wanted to.”

I couldn’t blame her for thinking that, I knew how low her opinion of me was.

“I swear B, I haven’t heard from her.”

“You’d think that would make me feel better…” She let out a little hollow laugh. “…yet right now I wish that you had. That she was here.”

Her head was shaking as if she couldn’t believe her own words. That something could be worse then me? There was a revelation. I decided to take it as a compliment, like I said, you work with what ya got.

“Is there anywhere else she could be? Someone she goes to?”

I thought back to Dawn’s remark about friends. Places she could stay. She never said names to me though. Not one.

Buffy’s eyes glazed over, her head shaking again. Then she threw herself back on the bed, groaned in frustration.

“Oh god, please no?” I didn’t have a clue what she was talking about.

“What’s that B?”

She suddenly started wriggling on the bed, put her hand underneath herself and pulled out the soft toy I bought for Dawn, I hadn’t given it to her yet. Was waiting on a time.

She looked at it kinda curious I guess. Her eyes narrowing on me. “What’s this?”

“Soft toy?”

“YOU have a soft toy?”

They do a whole special range for psycho bitches nowadays, I thought everyone knew that.

“It’s not mine, I bought it for Dawn… you know?” She looked at me like she didn’t. “To uh… make her smile?”

She raised it up in front of her eyes, turned it around in her hands. She looked like she was feeling it. Eventually her gaze left the softness of the toy and found the softness of me. I felt as hard as a fucking marshmallow sat there in front of her. I raised myself up, put myself on her level. She didn’t move. Then she did. Her mouth opening to speak.

“How do you do that?”

What? Turn to marshmallow? It’s easy B, I look right at you. That sounded to corny even to me. I choked it back.

“Do what B?” It sounded better.

She looked down at the toy again, smiled a little smile. Then she put it to the side, gave me back her attention. “Nothing Faith. It doesn’t matter.”

I still wasn’t brave enough to tell her that it might matter to me. I let her carry on.

“I think I know where she is…” Again our evening had another sigh. “…there’s this… uh guy… type thing. A guy.”

Dawn was dating? Sly girl never told me. “A guy? Figured you for stricter B.”

“No! Not like that, that’s ewww!…” Her eyes went wide as I guess she considered it. “…totally not letting the brain go there.” She shook it away. “It’s a vamp, he helps us sometimes… Spike?”

Oh fuck. I had heard of him. Kinda met him. Angel had not a nice word to say. Said the guy was a prick. Had a chip in his head, but was still just a prick. I trusted him more then her.

“Damn B, the guy’s a prick and you let Dawn hang out with him?”

“You know Spike?”

What kinda name was Spike anyway? “Met him once, different costume.” I motioned my hands to my body. I saw her get it. Saw her eyes widen even more.

“Oh my god… you didn’t..? Tell me you didn’t…”

Didn’t? Oh! “NO!”

“Right, I uh…”

“Doesn’t matter… but why on earth you letting Dawn hang with him?”

Her brow furrowed as if she was still trying to work that out for herself. Then she went on to tell me. Offered me a few insights into parenting Dawn. The other side of the story. Wasn’t all sweet Dawn that was for sure. She didn’t get deep into her own shit, tried to steer clear as much as she could, but she did say she was finding it hard… was trying with Dawn, but nothing was ever enough, whatever she found to give, Dawn just demanded more. I think she felt like Dawn was punishing her for dying still. Had never accepted her death so didn’t accept her being back. I could see the sense in that.

But none of it got us Dawn back now. I didn’t care what she said about Spike helping them out, not being so bad. I didn’t want him near Dawn.

When she got up to leave I said I was coming. She so quickly got the now boring steel back into her eyes. Pissed me off. What was the point? It was confusing the fuck outta me. I didn’t know what the hell I was supposed to be feeling.

“Don’t even bother B. You know I’m coming… I’ve a few words to say to Dawn, I’ll stay out of your way, but I’m definitely coming.”

“Whatever.”

It was a virtual invitation.

My first time back in that cemetery was no great excitement. Nothing had really changed, it made me think that nothing ever really does. Buffy wasn’t talking to me, she didn’t need to. It’s like this; imagine being the most fucking powerful person in existence. Strongest, fastest, the lot. Now imagine walking beside the only other person in the world who knew that feeling. Shared that feeling. It was a fucking rush. It lifted my step and I could see it lifting hers. It wasn’t choice, it was just nature. Something she couldn’t hide.

When we came to the door she didn’t knock. She kicked the door, stormed in. I had to follow.

I recognised him straight away. It seemed right that he stood there barefoot with no shirt. He oozed sex, but it was just creepy. Made even me wanna itch. And the way his eyes travelled over me, came to rest on Buffy? I had to swallow some bile,

“Slayer…” he let the word drip from his tongue. I knew he wasn’t talking to me. I wondered if he did. “…am I late for a date?…” again his eyes on me. Touching me. “…you bring reinforcements?”

She hit him so hard even I hurt, but he didn’t stay down. Smiled his rise, ran his cold dead tongue over his busted lip. “I get foreplay tonight?”

Oh I was so chewing her out for letting Dawn anywhere near him! I don’t care how disobedient Dawn can be… she should’ve tied her down. Denied her some civil liberties.

I stepped up, was sick of listening. “Cut the crap Romeo… where’s Dawn?”

He ignored me, focused on Buffy. “I like her, she’s feisty.”

I hit him, showed him just how feisty. “Keep it in your pants Blondie.” I kicked him there hard for good measure. Slayer force. All of it. I found it damn pleasing watching him squirm on the floor.

“That’s enough Faith.” She called me off. I let her. Watched her turn her attention to him. “Spike, Dawn is missing, I need to know… have you seen her?”

“The little bits missing?” Oh fuck off! Surely she didn’t fall for that crap. Eyes which were two seconds ago gleaming with sadism, were now all concern, heart warming puke.

“‘Dawn’ is missing…” I cast a withering glare down on his form. “…as for your little bit? I really wouldn’t wanna hazard a guess.”

He brought himself up before me. Dared to find my space. Eyes locked into mine. Yeah I wanted him to push me. It would only happen once.

“Spike. Have you seen her?”

Immediately he dropped back. Offered me a twisted smile. Turned to her. “Yeah, she came sniffing round earlier… I did what you said, I sent her away, told her to go home, big sis was waiting.”

Jesus! I couldn’t believe he was trying to do gallant. Who the fuck was this..? This thing?

“When? When was she here?”

“I figure a little over half an hour…”

I’d like to tie him to a sundial, make him surer.

“…she seemed upset, do you need me to come and help you look?”

She seemed upset and he sent her off alone. Oh please?

“She seemed upset and you let her go off alone, knowing what she did..?” He looked at me like I aggravated him. “I’m pretty sure we don’t need you helping us to find Dawn.”

His expression changed to mild amusement, he walked around me, eyeing me. It made me uncomfortable, like I wanted to strike. “Faith..?” Now my true name dripped from his lips. “…About so high, criminally insane..?” He had the fucking audacity to sneer at me. “…I’m not leaving Buffy alone with you.”

I laughed. It was laugh or… fuck, I don’t know. Die? I looked in amazement at B, I didn’t get that she knew this thing. Socialised with him. I thought she had these fucking huge moral standards and now I was beginning to wonder.

She looked like she didn’t know what to say, I saw her look at him, at me and back again. I felt like she was working out what was her safest option. Interesting. I couldn’t wait to find out.

“Spike you come, Faith we need all the help we can get, Dawn’s my sister… this is my call. Argue with me, I don’t want you here. Just give me a reason to tell you to get lost.”

Give me a reason to separate your head from your neck?

“I just want to find Dawn, B… I’ve no problem staying out of your way.”

He smiled at me. A dirty smile. She didn’t. It was another time when I couldn’t see what her eyes might say. If she had anything to say.

As we left the crypt and took up a pace there was no more feeling of a familiar step, of a rhythm, an us. It was them and me. I didn’t get it, but I felt it. I guess maybe he really did help, maybe there was more to him then the shallow beast I had seen. Something had B at his side instead of mine, finding step with his feet instead of my feet.

I don’t think I need to say how that felt. I knew it was what I expected. What I deserved from her. But it still fucking held me in a moments vice of pain. My heart beating fast as I panicked at all I was feeling. I had to stop, rest and catch a breath.

They both turned at once, looking at me oddly. Then I got it, both of them could hear my heart, my rush of blood. I gestured with my hands. “It’s nothing, indigestion, too much Jack.”

I didn’t get sympathy, they turned and walked on. I hoped they both got struck by lightening, I wished for it the whole time I was walking behind them. Not out loud though. You never know what kinds of things are lurking to hear your words in Sunnydale. But in my head. They fried.

All I wanted now was to find Dawn. Of course I was worried, and pissed, and damn right I meant it when I said I would be talking to her. I certainly didn’t come here for her crap. I get all that from B.

I look at them walking ahead of me. Not touching, not talking. But better then me.

All I wanted was some time alone. A quiet night in. Some minutes away from the madness. LA and home was feeling so damn far away. Tonight I would call Angel. I was like an addict falling off the wagon, I need to speak to my sponsor.

Maturity was just so hard. Everything was just so hard.

POV: None

The girl was sat alone in the park. Her legs dangling wearily from the swing. She didn’t move to push herself, had no interest in going backwards and forwards, of feeling the wind rush against her face. She was just sitting. Tired.

She felt so alone, so lost. It didn’t seem right. She felt wrong for feeling the way that she was feeling, but she just couldn’t help it. Everything had gone bad. Her whole life felt like some kind of sick joke designed to make her cry, to hurt.

Her mind went to Faith. She wished she could say her saviour but she couldn’t, she didn’t feel saved. Having her here was awesome, she really listened, really cared… but it wasn’t the puzzle piece that she had needed, the bit that was missing. Only her sister could make that pain go away, but Buffy wasn’t there, wasn’t ever there. It’s why she came here.

She figured that sitting alone in a park in Sunnydale after sunset had to be a pretty sure way to get Buffy’s attention. It was kinda creepy though and she was well aware that she stood to arouse more then just the slayer’s attention by sitting there alone, like maybe the things that the slayer slayed. She had a stake, hoped she wouldn’t have to try and use it.

“Big Daddy… come in Big Daddy, this is Dirty Dancer, do you copy me? Over.”

Andrew sat amongst the bushes twirling the dial on his little walkie talkie. He had the girl in his sights, was fully prepared and ready to go. All day he had been envisioning himself as the super cool Patrick Swayze, had raided his brothers closet for his leather and was now just waiting to perform his ultimate act of heroism.

The static from his radio buzzed loud against the silence of the night, caused the prey to look up from the swing, to turn her gaze around the park, eyes darting into the bushes. He turned the volume down, waited to hear words.

“What are you gibbering about Andrew?”

“Not Andrew… Dirty Dancer, I thought of nicknames for our covert operations…”

“Warren will do fine.”

“No! You’re Big Daddy…” He imagined him stood before him all big and powerful.

“Andrew, we don’t need names, we have names…”

“But…”

“But no.” The tone of Warren’s voice left him with no answer. “Now are you in place? Can you see her?”

He was about to confirm when a new voice broke in. “Who am I?”

“Johnathan..?”

“Uh… yeah?”

“Did you put your hand up?”

The boy looked at his hand poking up from the cover of bushes. “Err, yes.”

“Well put it down.” He meekly lowered it back under cover. Berated himself for speaking.

“Andrew?”

“Yeah, I can see her. She’s… sitting on a swing.”

“Johnathan, are you ready to go?”

“Yes.” Now he beamed to himself with pride, Warren hadn’t sounded pissed with him.

“Don’t mess it up!”

And he duly deflated. He cast his eyes around his magic charms, assured himself that he knew the spell needed. Waited for the command.

“I can hear something, I think she might be coming… Johnathan, get ready, Andrew… be brave.” Andrew sat shaking. He could do this, he knew he could.

POV: Faith

I’m trailing along behind them watching their backs. If hate was solid I’d have knocked them both over by now. It’s building as we’re walking and we’ve been walking for a while. I’m not even sure where, I don’t need to look left or right, I just follow her, keep my eyes on her.

I can feel the tenseness sliding down her back and rushing up to meet me. She’s so stiff she might crack, every time he touches her I see her go rigid, watch her skin crawl… it makes me wonder why she doesn’t do something. I would never let that dead fucker touch me. Not a chance.

As we come up to the entrance of the park we all stop at the sudden noise, it’s a scream, but more then that it’s Dawn’s scream. I react first, finding my feet running, I’m not following now, I’m finding.

It’s easy. That girl has one hell of a scream on her. I can see her not far from me, backing slowly away from some glowing purple mass of..? Stuff. It looks more like something from a comic book and I can see her straightening herself to take it on. I see her courage, I see the Buffyness of her stance. If she had the super powers to go along with her toughness I would’ve left her to it, but she doesn’t, so I continued with the heading her way.

Just as I’m about to call her name I hear another sound. It’s a boy to her left coming tearing out of the bushes, he rushes to the front of her, hands on hips, posing in leather… it’s easy to hear his words, it sounds like he’s making a speech.

“Hey babe… don’t worry, I’ll save you!”

Oh come on? What a sweetheart.

The big purple stuff chose that moment to let out a growl, closing the distance between them to a mere matter of feet. If the boy was gonna save he had better get to it, he had one chance to be the knight in shining armour, I was ready to pounce.

I saw him turn round all smiles and cockiness, then I saw his eyes widen, saw him virtually piss his pants. The scream was way louder then Dawn’s, and he had now jumped behind her and was clinging for dear life.

“Hey, get off me!”

She was trying to shake him free and at the same time keep away from the monster. It was proving hard. I chose my time to make an entrance, Spike and Buffy were closing in too and I wanted to make my mark first.

“Yo Dawn, you want some help?”

She looked at me in surprise and then gratitude, cast her eyes at the thing. “Can you get him off of me?”

I had to laugh. I walked forward and yanked him from her back. He was still quivering in fear so I made sure I dropped him gently. Dawn backed away further and I turned to face the foe.

Buffy and Spike were warily sizing him up, obviously working as a team to draw it’s attention. I didn’t care for it, jumped straight in. Landed a solid punch, knocked it to the floor. It didn’t even try and retaliate, just growled some and sat there. I watched as Buffy swung her leg round to connect with its head, saw it snap back. My foot was already raised, ready to stamp, to finish a job. As I brought my foot down to where contact should be it vanished. Like serious. One minute there, the next minute… not. It was freaky as shit.

“Whoa…” I looked to the others, forgot for a second that I hated them both right now. “…you did see that right? I made that thing disappear!”

But Buffy was already looking at Dawn, her eyes narrow and filled with something akin to rage. “You. Home. Now!…” She was almost shaking, I guess from the worry. “…I can’t believe this, that you’re here… alone?”

Dawn didn’t answer, didn’t really look up. She was trying to hide her tears from us I think, I wished she didn’t bother, that she’d let Buffy see how capable of hurt she was.

“Just leave it B, it doesn’t need sorting now does it?”

“It’s not you’re concern.”

“Yeah it is.” I made my way to Dawn’s side, threw my arm around her shoulder. I wanted a talk with her, at that moment I felt like I was in the better position to talk to her. I know what she’s feeling, I know how much she wants Buffy’s attention, but getting it like this just isn’t gonna help her. Buffy with a stick up her ass ain’t nobodies friend. I put a little pressure behind my arm and urged her into walking. “Come on kid, let’s get ya home.” She came my way, Buffy didn’t say anything else. It was her turn to follow me now. The boy was walking along at her side, I don’t know why, I didn’t hear her invite him, but he was still there. He kept glancing around, nervous as fuck. Spike was still there as well, playing the happy humanitarian. I couldn’t wait to tell Angel. Man, he would fucking die. Or at least he might die some more.

Chapter 6

POV: Faith

I approach the steps to the house with my arm still tight around Dawn’s shoulders. My grip stays firm to help her to hold in her sobs, every few seconds another shakes through her and I know how close she is to just breaking down. I want to get her inside first, allow her some dignity. It was a real fucked up stunt she pulled tonight, we all know that, but attacking her now just isn’t right. I’m not gonna let it happen.

B can take it anyway she likes it, but I’m not leaving this house until I’m sure that Dawn is okay. The pills and whisky crap didn’t work, I’m kinda guessing that sitting in the park alone was another veiled attempt at ending it all and that didn’t work… I just wanna make sure that she isn’t looking for third time lucky.

I tap lightly on the door with my foot and only wait seconds for it to be thrown back. It’s Red. She doesn’t even look at me, turns her eyes straight to Dawn, tries to take her in her arms.

“Hey Sweetie, are you ok? What happened?”

Dawn wouldn’t let herself be taken though, just dipped her head forward and hid her answer beneath her masses of long brown hair. I answered for her, I knew it was my place to.

“She’s ok, a little worn out…” I made my way through the door, Willow stepping aside without even giving it a thought. I noticed that, it made me a little happy. “…I’m gonna take her up to her room…”

“Wait!”

I was trying to forget about her. She followed me through the door, the two boys in leather right behind her. It only took two steps for her to be up in my space.

“We’re home now Faith, thank you for helping, really… but uh, you can go now, I’ve got this.”

She was putting this perky little expression on her face, stood there in front of her sister who was literally falling to pieces and she was trying to dismiss me with perky? I figured it was finally time to say something. To stand up and make the point I had come here to make. I was sick of being confused by her, missing my point because of her. I turned to Dawn first, slid my arm from her shoulders and searched out her eyes.

“Go upstairs kiddo, I’ll be up in a minute, I wanna talk to you, okay..?”

She bit on her lower lip, her shining eyes red rimmed as she nodded her head. She didn’t look to the others, just silently trod her way up the stairs. I turned back to Buffy, it was time she remembered what it was like to see the steel in MY eyes. Hear the disappointment in my tone.

“In case you didn’t get it B, I’m not going anywhere…” She went to speak, I held up my hand. “…just shut up and listen, it’s about time you heard this.”

The peroxide vamp dared again to try and find my space, this time I didn’t let him, the door was still open and I helped him though it. She didn’t need this thing to stick up for her, I wanted to hear her words, her excuses.

He tried to come back in and I gave him a look which I knew was fierce. I had been keeping it locked up for ages, but now I was swimming close to the edge. Just the whole fucking vibe from this piece of shit was making me wanna get stake happy. “You better tell your playmate to fuck off B, the only way he comes back in here tonight is as a pile of dust.”

Oh it was a battle of wills! She stared her hatred at me and I just stared at her. I didn’t have hatred, so I gave her nothing. Nothing must be worse then hate cos it was me that eventually won out.

“Spike, go home.” There was no warmth to her tone and that threw me as well. One minute I figure she’s his..? I dunno, buddy? And the next she’s as fucking frosty to him as she is to me. He glared at her, sneered at her.

“I’ll be seeing you, Slayer.”

Did he not know her name?

The other freak in leather was still standing there still looking nervous. I didn’t know what to do with him, didn’t have a clue who the fuck he was. “Hey, you?”

He looked up, couldn’t meet my eyes properly. “Uh, yeah?”

“You think you can find your way home?” He went to nod and then he stopped, drew in a breath.

“I’m a little scared really, could I uh… stay here for a while?”

Give me a break. I looked at Red, motioned to the boy. “Can you fix him a drink? Take him through to the kitchen, I wanna have a quick word with Buffy.”

I looked at them two looking at each other, saw B give Willow the silent nod, the assurance that it was ok to go. “Hey there… I’m Willow…” She smiled the quirky smile and babbled through an introduction. He was all attention as he followed her from the room, in fact it was kinda creepy the way he was looking at her, like he was observing her. Odd.

“So you’ve worked your way back into my home, into my life… isn’t this the bit where we find out that you’re really psycho? When you start killing people?”

Oh good, it was gonna be easy. Ha fucking ha.

“Past mistakes B, this ain’t about that and you know it…” I made my way to the sofa, took my own invitation to sit down. I gestured at her to do the same, she stayed standing. “…you’re the one that’s fucking up this time, and luckily for you I’m here to help.”

The look she gave me almost had me doubting it myself. It did sound kinda farfetched I guess. It’s the hanging with Angel, I’m all about the helping now.

“I don’t want your help.”

“You know that you need it.”

“I know I don’t need anything from you.”

I tried to think about a nice way to phrase it, but there wasn’t one, isn’t one. “So why did Dawn try to kill herself then B? If things are doing so well without my help?”

Now she sat down. Sank down. I wasn’t gonna let it deter me this time though. I had made my eyes empty for this, I planned on keeping them that way. “Sit up, I’m sick of all this self pity crap.”

“What?”

“Exactly what I said B. Sit the fuck up, I want you to listen to me. I listened to you earlier… now you listen to me.”

Her brows knotted a little in confusion as she sat herself up, maybe wondering why she was doing as I said. “I don’t wanna get all touchy feely, this isn’t me getting in your shit, I don’t care about your shit, your little sob story…” It felt harsh, but honest. “…this is about the kid upstairs, the one you’re supposed to love, supposed to care about.”

“I do love her.”

“Touching.” No, really, the emotion was uh… not there. “Only thing is B, with love… you kinda need to show it.”

“What the hell would you know?”

I knew enough to know what happened when you didn’t show it. When you denied it. “I know that at the moment your little sister is probably sat upstairs planning her next method of topping herself…”

“No…”

“Yes. Face it B, whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong.”

She wiped at her eyes with her arm, dragged it across her face. Unveiled some fresh contempt. “You just love this don’t you?”

“What?”

“Getting to come here all holier then thou… acting like you’re better then me…” She shot a look of pure filth down her nose in my direction, stifled a faked laugh. “…as if ‘you’ could ever be better then me?”

Her glare was all encompassing and I could feel it prickling my senses. Reminding me of all the misdeeds and pain I had caused. I opened my mouth to speak, to shout her down, make my point, but my mouth was dry. Different words croaked out, words I didn’t want.

“I know you’re better then me, ok? I get that… I always got that.” Who’s was this voice that sounded so pathetic? I mentally kicked myself, pulled it all together. “But aside from that? No… I hate this. I hate that Dawn feels so damn bad and I can’t make her feel better, I hate that I have to be here, away from my friends with people that despise me… and I hate that I have to be near you again.” It slipped out a whisper, she’d never understand why. “None of this is a pleasure for me, the sooner it’s sorted the better for everyone.”

She stood herself up, started pacing the front room. Her thumb was up to her mouth and I wondered if she was chewing a nail, her nerves hurting her as much as mine were hurting me. It was the intensity again. I swear it was always there. She stopped with her back towards me, her words filling the space between us.

“I wish you could see, wish you could understand what it’s like, how much it hurts…” She wasn’t talking to me, so much as at me. “…every second feels like an hour of pain and I try to smile… to laugh… I try to care…” Her voice was creeping down in volume and I had to strain to hear her confession. “…but it’s so hard.” Now she turned, her eyes falling into mine. “I do love her Faith, I know I do… of course I do, but it’s so much… being with her, everything she wants from me, needs from me… it’s too much. I haven’t got it to give, I haven’t got anything to give.”

I stood up, I couldn’t help it. I walked towards her, slowly. A part at me wanted to scream down her selfishness, force her to feel. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I knew how this was gonna go, but I had to do it… whether to prove it to myself again, or just because my heart was telling me to. Her eyes weren’t deterring me with disgust so I pushed forward, tucked the hair behind her ear… like I meant to earlier. She didn’t flinch, so I spoke.

“It’ll be okay, things are crap, I know crap B… but more then that I know about getting better, about second chances…” Her head slowly started shaking, dislodging her hair, covering her eyes again. “…don’t do that, don’t shake your head, don’t just dismiss me.”

“I can’t listen to you Faith, I can’t believe in you.”

“You mean you won’t?”

“I mean I can’t.” The way she was looking at me, I believed her. I backed up, left her some space.

“Let me help with the Kid B, let me talk to her… let me be around her without it causing some kind of major conflict between us…” She looked doubtful, I felt it. “…I’m not saying buddy me up, I’m saying let’s not fight in front of Dawn, just let me be here. Please?”

“You really think you can help?”

“I really think I can help.”

For a moment there was some silence, some consideration. When she spoke again I knew I was in. It wasn’t warm but it wasn’t cold. It wasn’t the same old steel.

“If you can get her to see her counsellor, if you can do that… then fine. I’ll… what? Back off? Is that what you want?”

“This isn’t about what I want B…” I wanted to keep all those thoughts far far away. “…but yeah, a little less hostility, that’s gotta be nice.”

“You get her to see the counsellor then I’ll… ‘work’ on less hostility.”

I had to let out a little laugh, just the way she said it… like it was the most painful thing in the world. Ever. “Oh come on B, it won’t be all bad…” I let the eyebrows out to play, she inspired it in me. “…we can find some fun.”

“Not working Faith… I’m still feeling hostile.”

“Not even a little bit?” I wiggled them again, gave her the smile, the dazzling one. “Cos you look a little less… hostile.”

She shook her head at me, but it was different, not so much disgust as amusement. I quit whilst ahead, I knew my limits. “I’m gonna go up then, talk to her… try and find out what’s going on.”

She did sigh a bit but she also nodded, sat down on the sofa. “I’ll wait here for you, you can tell me how it goes.”

I headed up the stairs with only one thought in my mind. Getting Dawn to that counsellor. I wanted Buffy to work at less hostile, I liked it. And I wanted Dawn to learn to smile a bit more too… maybe a counsellor would help? I wasn’t much for them, but Dawn was smarter then me, maybe she could get something from it. Solve some problems.

I gave a little tap on the door and made my way in. She was on the bed in foetal position, I guess looking for the comfort she’d lost since her family hadn’t been there to hold her in their arms. I wanted to break down for her, to make her know that I really did understand her pain, comforting arms hadn’t often held me either.

I wanted to change that for her, to give her the thing I always needed the most.

“Hey kid..?” She looked up, her face blotchy with the truth of how much she was hurting. I sat down next to her, drew her into my arms and held her tight. Held her close. “Come on now, it’s not so bad… it’ll all be okay, you just gotta give it time.”

It felt so strange. To have someone needing me, relying on me. It made me want to do my best, to be what she needed. I held her close until her cries had faded, her chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.

“You feel better for that?”

“A little, not a lot. My nose is kinda runny now.”

I looked down at my shoulder and noticed the marks from her tears and I guess also her snot. “You know that’s gross?”

She nodded, shot me a look to say ‘what can ya do?’ I didn’t even bother protesting, my shoulders were there for her anytime. I wanted her to know that. Snot or no snot.

I wriggled myself into some comfort on the bed and got ready to talk. I hadn’t pushed with Dawn since I’d been here, had been happy to do what she wanted, to talk about the things which she needed to talk about. But where had that gotten us?

Dawn playing bait in the park after hours. Not a success story.

It was time I took the lead, asked some tough questions, demanded some straight answers. Dawn had to learn that to make things better you had to try yourself. You couldn’t rely on other people to make it better for you… sure, they can help, Angel is all the proof needed on that… but ultimately it has to be a personal choice. You have to want to make it better, be ready to work at it.

I felt so bad. My crap was mostly my fault, I’d had pushes in the wrong direction… but it was my fault. Dawn was here through no fault, yet still she would have to work just as hard to make it right.

Her eyes were focused on me, studying me as I studied my thoughts. I wondered if she was waiting for me to start talking, but then she chose to speak first. “I know you’re pissed at me Faith, I know I screwed up again… and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it, it was stupid.”

“Yeah. It was damn stupid, pretty irresponsible as well… but it’s done now. I’m not gonna chew you out, act like I know better… I just wanna know why? You promised Dawn, you said you wouldn’t do that again…”

“I wasn’t!”

“What?” Sure she was. “You want me to believe that you sitting after dark waiting for some hot sucking action wasn’t another… ‘end it all’… attempt?”

“No!” She looked kinda confused by my theory, but to me it still made sense. “I was just… I wanted to, I wanted Buffy to come and find me.”

“You’re kidding me?”

“I swear…” Her head was nodding all vigorously, adamant in her explanation. “…I wasn’t trying that… I don’t want that. Not anymore.”

“Fuck.” She really had some dumb ideas. “That’s gotta be the stupidest damn way I’ve ever heard of getting attention… well, you know… aside from going evil and killing people… but sitting alone after dark? That’s kinda messed up too.”

“I know.” her eyes spoke the confirmation. “Just with Buffy… I feel like I have to go big, the little things sail right by.” She shrugged her shoulders. “She never notices me.”

I thought back over the words that B had given me downstairs. Tried to pull comfort from them to give to Dawn, but there wasn’t any. Dawn needed her and she didn’t feel like she could give. I didn’t have a clue how I was gonna be doing all this helping that I planned on doing.

I went with the best I had. All I had. “She loves you Dawn, and I know at the moment it’s not enough… I know you need more, but you just gotta take that and cling to it.” I tried to make my words have feeling, to convey what I knew. “When someone’s in so much pain that they forget how to feel, how to care… you can’t push them, you can’t force them to feel things that they’re not ready to feel, to deal with things that they‘re not ready to deal with. Just know that she loves you, that she wants to get better.” She had tears streaming from her eyes again, I reached up and wiped them away, cleared a path for fresh ones. “I wish I could make this better for you.”

She nodded again, no vigour now. “So do I.”

The heart that I used to doubt I had was breaking in two. I’d do anything to make this right. Her words when they came were pleading for answers.

“I just don’t get it… I don’t get why she’s so different. What I did so bad that makes her not care.” She looked at me with questioning eyes. “Do you think it’s the dying..? I think it is… I think she regrets it, I think she wishes it was me that had gone… that she made the wrong choice.”

“God no!” She deflated with my refusal of her words. Like she wanted me to confirm it, because then she would know. Would understand what she had done wrong. “Shit kid, come here.”

I took her again in my hold, rocked her as I said words to rebut everything she believed. All the reasons she would think that Buffy wished it was her who had died. I may have witnessed the pain that Buffy was in, seen for myself her own inner turmoil, but never did I get the impression that she wished she hadn’t done things as she had. She only regretted coming back. Not the going.

“Your sisters the most courageous fucking person I ever met Dawn, there’s no way she’d ever give up all that damn heroism to do things different, are you kidding me?”

She giggled a little. “She does like her super hero moments.” She pulled herself then up from my embrace, crossed her legs and started to talk. “She pretends she’s all martyr-girl… but you should hear her sometimes, she goes on and on and on about this time and that time, saving this person and that person… I know the ins and outs of ALL her apocalypses…”

Yeah I could see that. ‘Buffy the saint’ tormenting Dawn with tales of her heroism. I bet it’s damn tough being Miss Perfect’s little sister. “Exactly what I’m saying! Forget that she’s a bit…” I wanted to say vacant, thought about saying blonde. “…uh… distant right now, just remember the good times… make HER remember the good times.”

She sighed a sigh. “I wish mom was here.”

Often I forget just how much she is dealing with. I wonder where she finds her strength. I was a slayer and I never had her strength, never dealt with anything as well as she was doing now.

“I wish your mom was here too, she’d probably have kicked my ass by now, worse then B even… but yeah, your mom would’ve sorted this shit out. Better then I can.”

“At least you’re trying.”

“I have to, I gotta a whole lot of making up to do.”

The way she had started looking at me now made me nervous. Peering in at me with eyes as inquisitive as Buffy’s. “What happened Faith?”

My insides tied their own knots as I considered that one. What happened? Everything happened. My life happened.

“You were there…” I checked my memories and sure enough, she was there. Fucking strange. “…you know what happened. I went bad. I WAS bad.”

“I didn’t mean that… I mean, what happened, before that? What made you go bad?”

What did she want, a debate on nature versus nurture? I was always a fuck up, I perfected it young, I had a lot of time on my hands. “Some things just are what they are, no point dwelling, it’s not what they are now.”

“Why won’t you tell me?”

“Nothing to tell kid.”

She got the pout, I felt myself weakening. “Look, my life story ain’t nothing to go getting excited about ok?”

“But you know MY life story!”

“You’re two years old!”

“Ha! Actually I’m WAY older then that, I was green blobby energy stuff for AGES! In fact I’m way older then you… all of you! So spill…” She grinned as if she thought she had some triumph. “…you tell me your story and I’ll fill you in on being a ball of energy… it’s fascinating stuff.”

How could I not laugh?

I thought about a way to turn it, to make it benefit me to lay it all out. I hated doing that shit, talking about crap that no-one could change. What was the fucking point? It was times I wanted to forget, not fucking share and care about.

“I’ll make you a deal…” She was all rapt attention. “…I’ll tell you my pointless story of existence, you go see that counsellor that B’s got a flea up her ass about. Yeah?”

She narrowed her eyes with a look of mock anger. “That sucks! But… k, deal.”

I held my hand out for her to shake on it. As she did she spat on her hand, welded them together with yet more of her secretions. This kid had issues. “Do I gotta tell you that’s gross?”

She smiled a satisfied smirk. “Nope, you just gotta tell me the ‘Faith’ story. We spat on it.”

I didn’t bother with making myself comfortable before I began, I knew that the words I would be speaking were the kind that made me uncomfortable. Just meet it head on, that’s the only way I could do it.

“So what do ya wanna know?”

“Well… what happened to your mom?” Damn it Dawn! No need to go straight for the jugular. “Did she die too… like my mom?”

I tried to find any similarity between what Dawn had lost and what I had lost. There wasn’t any. I never had what she had had. I tried to keep my voice steady, to take away any feelings. I was prepared to share a little with Dawn, but I wasn’t about to break down doing it.

“No… nothing like yours. Your mom was ace, the fucking best.” I couldn’t stop the bitter laugh that crept from my lips. “Mine was the worst, real bottom of the barrel shit.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No need, she was sorry enough for all of us.” I lay down across her bed, focused my eyes up to that place far away, not here, long ago. “She wasn’t like the bad mom’s ya see on TV, she didn’t beat me all the time and shit, she didn’t shout and curse all day… to me it was worse then that.”

I remembered the times when I would go for days without being spoken to, see nothing in my mothers eyes that made me feel loved. “She just stopped caring, figured I wasn’t worth taking the time on…” I felt that small again, that pointless. “…so I started acting out, giving her a reason to notice me. I’d steal shit, ran with a bad crowd, fucked about with boys, dropped outta school… nothing made a difference though. Bitch wouldn’t have cared if I’d just upped and died.”

“What about your dad?”

“What about him? He walked out on us, nothing different to most kids, nothing different to you.”

“So you had no-one? The whole time?”

“Hard to miss what ya never had kid…” I gave one of those sighs, I was getting used to them now. “…and I had a few buddies, a few guys that looked out for me. It did.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah. And then she died. Dunno what happened, I wasn’t there, I stopped going home all the time… there wasn’t any point. I could always find a willing bed to stay in, some shit to eat… meant I didn’t have to remind myself what home wasn’t like.” I can still see the woman that was waiting back at our place, I went for clothes, she told me that I was going with her. Foster care. Like fuck. “They tried to take me in, put me in some placement with a nice family, but I forgot how to do nice… I was all badass and loving it.”

“Where did you go?”

“Nowhere, everywhere. Laid low, got high, got laid. Got called. End of.”

I sat up, this was doing my head in. Playing confessions with a kid wasn’t my idea of fun, I’d given her enough to make the deal stick. I’d done what I had to do. That was all. No more. I could feel my own eyes stinging from the want of release, but I wouldn’t allow it. I wouldn’t cry for that time, any of it. It was old and done.

She didn’t look satisfied though, looked annoyed at me for trying to end it there. “But what about then, when you got here… with Buffy, tell me about you and Buffy?”

“Me and Buffy..?”

“Yeah, I don’t get the aggro… I mean I get it now, she really was pissed at the body snatch and killing thing… but why before that?”

“You’ve got way too many questions for a kid.”

“Inquisitive minds are the minds of the future.” I gave her a look. “It’s true, the principle says it at the end of every assembly. It’s inspiring.”

“Well go get inspiration somewhere else, I’m all out of stories.”

“But Buffy NEVER tells me the juice on that one, never did… all I get is the Faith rap sheet, tell me what happened, why it happened?”

“The deal wasn’t that, I’m not the one looking for a counsellor.” She looked disappointed, I looked firm. “No Dawn, and don’t bother with the pout. If I ever wanna talk about that shit it’ll be with Buffy… and I won’t ever wanna talk about that shit, ok?”

“Whatever.”

“Sulker.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Not.”

The light tapping at the door stopped it from descending into anything childish. It was Willow. She smiled that little smile that was all hers. Directed it strangely at me. “Faith, Dawnie…” She came in and sat with us on the bed, it was getting kinda crowded. “…you guys all talked out then?”

Uh… how did she know that? I gave her a look, saw that she had listened. I shook my head, tutted disgust. “That’s low Red.”

Dawn just gave us a confused look, Willow offered apology. “Wait… I wasn’t, I didn’t… I just checked you weren’t talking about anything before I knocked, but you were… so I waited. But I didn’t listen. I just kind of… heard?”

“Great, wanna give me a hug and say it’s all ok, tell me it’s cool I’m a fuck up cos my childhood went to shit?”

“No… I didn’t…”

“Save it Red, doesn’t matter anyway, it’s in the past.”

She gave me a look I didn’t want. I hated trading on sympathy, it made me feel weak. I glared in return, made sure she understood the message.

She rose from the bed and kissed Dawn on the top of the head. “I love you sweetie, you know that right?”

The kid to her credit nodded. She dealt with sentiment a whole lot better then me. “I love you too Willow, thanks.”

“No thanks needed, you’re kinda easy to love.”

I forgave her then for being an eavesdropping ass. We were on the same side. When she turned her attention back to me I smiled at her, let her know I was over it.

“Buffy’s waiting downstairs, I’m hitting the sack…” She turned again as she went to close the door on us. “…this might not mean much, but I’m glad you’re here.” She smiled again. “You’re not so bad.”

I guess I looked at her confused. I was confused. “Right. Uh… thanks.”

When the door clicked closed I stared at Dawn in amazement. “I’m not so bad..? Did I just hear Red say I’m not so bad..?”

“Yep… that’s two down.”

“Huh?”

“I’m keeping score… we’ve still got Xander and Anya, but they’re easy, just talk about weddings…” Weddings? What did I know about weddings? “…and sex, Anya loves the sex talk!”

“She talks to you about sex?” Who was this woman?

“No, not me specific, she talks to EVERYONE about sex.”

“And she’s with Xander? She must dig a different kinda sex to me, either that or the boy has learned some.”

Her laughter made me realise that was probably inappropriate conversation. I tried back peddling. “Not that he wasn’t a stallion… ya know, big ol’ Xander, stud muffin. Completely.”

I guess that wasn’t so good either.

“Don’t tell Anya that, she’ll think that you want him again!”

Oh please. “No way Dawn, I do sit ups these days when I’ve got a spare seven minutes.”

She laughed again, I cringed again. I wanted to shut up now. “Enough!” She just laughed harder.

“Come on Dawn, B will think we’re having a party she if hears your noise, the fun stuff will just piss her off.” She raised her eyebrows in dismay.

“But pissing her off is what I do, I thought you knew that?”

“No Dawn, pissing her off is what ‘I’ do… you need to stop doing it.”

The laughter from a minute ago was replaced by sombre silence. “I know, I wanna stop it… but sometimes it’s just easier, to act out, to get attention.”

“You know I know, but trust me… being good is much better. You try good and see where it gets us, ok?”

“Being bad isn’t working out so well, I could give it a try.”

“It will be better, I promise.”

Now I just had Buffy to work on. Daunting to say the least. I wanted a fucking badge from Angel if I managed to pull all this shit off. I could see her eyes getting weary rather then sad. “Get to bed kid, I’ll go tell B I got you to agree to a counsellor, should ease her off you a bit… me as well I hope.”

“Okay… night then.”

I stood up, ruffled her hair the way she hated it. “Night you, sleep tight and all that crap.”

“You really need to work on that.”

I shrugged my shoulders, I was trying. “Sweet dreams?”

“Thank you.”

I gave her a wink as I closed the door. Took a deep breath as I prepared to face Buffy. I hated the way that days in Sunnydale always seemed so much longer. The drama in them enough for a lifetime, let alone just a day.

I trod softly on the stairs, mindful of the late hour and the quiet in the house. The glow from the TV accentuated my slayer sight and I could see the shadows as they bounced across her peaceful features.

I eased my way over and softly took the remote from her grasp, I should of guessed she’d hog the thing, even in her sleep. I didn’t know whether to wake her. I wanted to see her eyes as they opened on me, to see them before they remembered me. I didn’t wanna force that moment of intimacy though. I’d made a habit of taking things from her, I didn’t ever want to take from her again.

I switched the box off, plunging the room into a darkness that I still had no trouble negotiating, I reached across her and grabbed the blanket from the back of the sofa. Shook it out and lay it over her. Her hair had fallen back across her eyes a little and I couldn’t resist, had to have one undisturbed moment of looking at her wholly, totally, without any of the shit.

My gaze was stuck on her as I whispered a silent prayer for my feelings to go away. It wasn’t right that it still felt like this. I couldn’t take things still feeling like this. Even with all the things I had taken from her… it just didn’t sit fair that she had taken my heart. Anything else but that.

I wanted to trace lips with fingers, to make smiles with touches. I didn’t though, of course I didn’t. I whispered words I truly meant. For both of us.

“Sweet dreams.” I kissed the tips of my fingers and placed them against her forehead. Hoped that somewhere away from everything she felt it, knew that I meant it.

I left there and sped my way home. There wasn’t much night left to have time on my own, to drink, to forget. I smiled at the knowledge that Angel would be up, would probably be sat alone wondering at his own life. His own existence. We made a happy pair.

I dialled the number and listened to two rings.

“Hello Faith.”

“Hey big guy… the psychic powers still working for ya then?”

Of course it was me, who else would it be? I liked to get a dig in though, there was a certain psychic power that I knew he was interested in. It was called Cordy.

I listened to the tones in his voice, his words spoke with quiet wisdom. They lulled me, they made me feel safe.

We kept our vigil for each other until the sun started to rise. Talked away the darkness that often haunted us both. Saying goodbye was hard. I really did miss his presence.

“Thanks for the chat, I mean it… I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“It works both ways Faith, you give as much as you get.” He always said that, it was hard to think that he relied on me too though. It was odd.

Once the call was through I went to my bed and sank myself down. I wanted sleep. But most of all I wanted the sweet dreams.

Chapter 7

POV Faith

I stand in front of the full sized mirror checking out myself from every angle. I have to get this right. Only trouble is I’m not so sure what right is exactly. Or why I even care.

I’ve been through every stitch of clothing that I brought with me, which isn’t so much, trying different pants with different tops all in the hope that one combination will be the one that makes me someone different, someone she doesn’t despise. It doesn’t work like that though. Doesn’t matter if I go with jeans or leather, low cut, high cut, hair up, hair down… it’s still me I see looking back at me. Still me with the sweating palms and shaking hands. Still me ready to sink to my knees and scream out my rank frustration.

In the end I settle on what I know best, my camouflage in place as I slide into the leather which fits my skin so well. The top that dares to show more then it hides. And the makeup which could only ever be about concealment. Suppressing who I am now in favour of who I was then.

I still look good, I look fucking hot, but that’s little consolation to my self. To the part of me that’s learnt about hiding and running, about being a coward.

I still don’t know that this is even a good idea. Things sit at a tentative ceasefire, B prepared to breath the same air as me, to share the same space as me and not beat my ass. But to socialise together..? It scares the shit out of me.

I wanted to say ‘no’. I did say it, more then once in fact, but Dawn is good. She knows how to pout down my resistance, to put the right level of whining into her pleas;

“So what are ya doing the weekend?”

“Same as every other day I expect, why? You wanna do something?” I remember thinking maybe she wanted to go to the movies again, maybe out for food, to the arcade… it all suited me. Finding the fun with Dawn was good, it was innocent fun, the kind I was only just learning about;

“Can we do something Saturday night?”

I could see Red across the room, losing attention with her laptop, her eyebrows raising as she listened in on Dawn’s plans.

“Sure thing, what ya got in mind? Want me to show ya some smooth moves at the arcade again, maybe catch a film?”

“Nope.”

“Well what then? There isn’t much to do round here if I remember rightly.”

I should have guessed by the exchange of smirks that something was occurring, that I was about to be steamrollered.

“I was thinking the Bronze.”

“The Bronze?” It didn’t sound too bad, I wasn’t sure Buffy would let me take Dawn off out for dancing, but if she was cool, I was cool.

“Uh-huh… we’re kinda going, as a group… and well, I want you to come.”

“A group?”

“Yep, my celebration for kicking your ass at the pizza eating contest!”

“You cheated!”

“No way… Wills said I won, and it’s her treat… so will you come?”

I looked across at the witch, her lively eyes and matching smile. She was pretending that the screen in front of her held so much of interest, but I knew the score. I’d been gang banged before.

“Who’s going?”

Like I didn’t know.

“Me, of course, and Willow, and Tara… then Xander and Anya… and just a few others.”

“I don’t know… I have this thing, to do… on Saturday.”

I could see them exchange glances, little furtive things that they figured I would miss. “But you just said we could do something… how can you have a thing if you said we could do something?”

“Well it’s a thing I forgot, I just remembered… but we can do something Sunday if you want?” It sounded as false as it was. It was the words that first brought about the pout. The lips protruding that little extra bit, the eyes drenched in sorrow.

“But I want you to come… please?”

“I can’t, I’m sorry.”

I didn’t have room in my tone for bargaining, was sure I wouldn’t need it. The other night when I had whispered dreams to Buffy, I had vowed then to just stop. To stop wanting more. And I could do it, I was sure… but it would be easier if I didn’t see her. Didn’t allow me eyes to linger too long on all it was that they wanted to consume.

Dawn pulled herself up from the sofa all full of wounded torment, I might have felt sorry for her if I hadn’t seen. Hadn’t seen the look exchanged as she made her way past Willow. I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d tagged her in… it’s what it felt like she had done.

Dawn left the room, Red rose from her chair. I’d watched her with interest as she made her way to me, made her way to the chair opposite, sat down and fixed me with eyes that didn’t leave room for question.

“You don’t really have a ‘thing’ do you?”

“Uh… sure I do, an important thing.”

“Like avoiding Buffy?”

My silence said it all.

She sighed and settled herself back, it looked kind of rehearsed. “Faith… I know things are kind of ‘difficult’ between you two at the moment…”

Difficult? I could have thought of thousands of words that said it better.

“…and you know, with Buffy, things will probably stay that way… but I thought you were here for Dawn, I thought that’s the whole purpose of you being here?”

“You know it is.”

“Well Dawn really wants you to come. This is a big deal for her… going out, having a good time… and I think it’s important that you’re there, that she gets a little bit of that happiness that we’re all trying to find for her.”

That was so not fair. I WAS here for Dawn, but it didn’t mean that I could just ignore everything else. God knows I would if I could. I ran my eyes over her form, let them settle on the face that could only be described as resolute.

“You planned this didn’t ya?”

“What… the Bronze? Yeah of course… I promised Dawn if she beat you, and well, she did!”

“Not the Bronze… this. This little tag team steam rollering thing you got going with Dawn?”

I could see her cheeks flush even as she shook her head. “Nope, I mean… sure she mentioned asking you, and I think it’s a good idea, and she may have said that you might not be so keen… what with the uh… ‘aggro’ I think she called it, but we didn’t… tag team?”

“Sure ya did… I’m not stupid Red.”

I saw the little smile cross her lips, her amusement at my words. “Did it work?”

“What?”

“The tag teaming?”

Of course I laughed, congratulated them both on a great effort, but I still said no. Dropping by the house and pretending to smile at Buffy was ok, I could do that, she was kinda doing that… but seeing her out..? Pretending that I was part of the circle that she called friends..? I couldn’t do that. Was sure she wouldn’t appreciate that.

For a couple of days they left it. But I should have known. I didn’t realise that they would bring in reinforcements though. When the phone had rang I had assumed it was Dawn, no-one else had ever rung me, not outside of LA anyway;

“Hey Cutie… how did back to school go..?”

She has such a soft little laugh. I was learning to really like it. Was still kinda surprised to hear it then though.

“Hello Faith, college is fine thank you… and cutie? You’re not so bad yourself.”

“Tara?”

“Hey, how are you?”

“Erm… fine, I guess. Same old.” My mind was whizzing along, trying to think of possible reasons for her call. “What about you, is Dawn ok?”

“I’m good, Dawn’s not so good.”

“Shit, what has she done now. Do you need me to come over?”

Oh I am so slow. But I really didn’t see it coming, I was too busy worrying.

“No she doesn’t need that… what she needs is for you to come out with us tomorrow night…” Yes. That again. “… be a part of her life, show her that even your issues with Buffy won’t stop you from being there for her whenever she needs you.”

Issues with Buffy? Didn’t everyone get that this was more then issues?

“I am there for her Tara, you know that… but it’s not that simple. I don’t wanna ruin things for her… me being near Buffy leaves a whole lot of room for disaster. You were there the other night, I’m sure Red’s told you some of the history… me and B don’t mix so well, kinda like oil and water.”

Even her sighs were soft, it made me wonder if she was soft all over. I doubt Red would like me to find out though and I do want to be good this time.

“What if I said I had told Buffy that you were coming and she didn’t start screaming, would that make a difference?”

“It would make me wonder if B was feeling ok.”

“Faith.”

“What?” I didn’t know what she expected, wondered why she expected anything. “I know she hates me, she deserves to… I don’t need to pretend it’s different. It is what it is.”

“And if it could be different?”

I considered my answer. Like I said before, I don’t want hope. Don’t want to imagine a future that isn’t ever gonna happen. I can be happy with this life, I just need not to focus on what could make it perfect. What could make it better.

“You can’t change the past Tara, that can never be different… ‘things’ can never be different.”

“Please come Faith, I understand it’s hard, Willow HAS told me stories… of course I know what happened. You’re right you can’t change it, but neither can she… and Buffy made mistakes too, I’m sure even she can see that…”

I was doubtful.

“…but you CAN make the future different. Both of you can. It all comes down to whether it’s worth it, whether you’re prepared to take the chances.”

Shit this girl was good. I could feel myself believing her words. Wanting to believe them.

“You’re not one of those lifestyle guru’s are ya Tara?”

Soft laughter again, it made me want to see her smile. It also made me wish she had been here the first time round. She could have been my voice of reason, I sure as hell had needed one. And yeah Angel right… I wasn’t so keen on listening though when he was the one who had Buffy.

“No Faith, just a lowly student… and a friend.”

She was pressing my buttons left right and centre. A friend? I was roped in and reeled in. I would’ve done pretty much anything for her then.

“Ok… I’ll come, but if it’s full of aggro I’m leaving. I won’t stay if it causes trouble.”

“There won’t be any trouble. I guarantee it.” I silently wished she was right. “Do you want to meet us here, come by for dinner?”

“Uh… no, I’ll go slay, find my way there later. Thanks though.”

“No problem, I’ll see you tomorrow… yes?”

“Yes.”

And that was how I came to be here. Losing my sanity in front of a mirror.

It’s already past dark, well into slaying time, but I just can’t decide. I run my eyes up over leather again, up over curves I know so well, up to eyes that have seen so much. I hope I’ve got enough makeup on to cover what they feel. Hide what I can see shining so bright.

I just have to keep thinking about Dawn. And maybe just a little bit about the future, about what it could be. What I hoped it could be.

POV Tara

If I close my eyes real tight I can block everyone out, the swaying bodies, the endless noise, everything except the feel of her body in my arms. The smooth touch of hands as they nestle at the base of my spine, the warmth of breath as it tickles the hairs on my neck. I can’t close my eyes though, there’s been too many closed eyes around here lately, too much of missing what was right in front of our faces.

I suppress a sigh as I pull myself back from her embrace, catch her eyes widen as if she’s worried that she’s been holding me too close, that this is all too soon for me. I smile my assurances at her, I love her so much that nothing could ever be too close. She has to know that. Regardless of everything, she has to remember how much I love her.

“Come on Willow, lets go sit for a while, keep Dawn and Buffy company.”

I see her look over to them, to her hands which still rest on my hips, and finally up to meet my eyes… a little regret plain to see. “We can dance again later though, right? Cos dancing’s good, with the holding and the swaying and the music and…”

“We can dance again later.”

It’s enough to get her smiling properly, the kind of smile I’ve learnt to miss.

When we got to the table Dawn was full of animation, yapping away at Buffy like a cute little puppy, practically chasing her own tail to get some attention. It would be cute if Buffy was paying her the attention, but she wasn’t. Her head was nodding, a smile fixed firmly to the corners of her mouth, but her eyes weren’t even close. They were scanning the crowd, crossing the dance floor, poking into every dark corner, anywhere but here.

“Hey Buff, what ya looking for? I thought Faith was the slay girl tonight… no vamps for you! It’s an order!”

“Huh… no, no vamps.” She turned herself back to us, eyes drinking us in, as close as we got these days to a real smile lighting up her face. “Never hurts to be vigilant though, be prepared, that’s my motto!”

“‘Money equals happiness’ that’s mine!”

We greeted Anya and Xander, made room on the sofa’s for them to get comfy. It was nice. But we were all waiting, it was obvious… Buffy’s weren’t the only eyes which reached into the corners looking for her. We all knew she was coming, all had different feelings on that.

I was pleased. I wanted her here. Dawn was a responsibility that we had all let ourselves get sidetracked from, had all abandoned in one way or another. But not Faith. Someone that no one would have expected to come through, wouldn’t have even thought about, had been the one who had made the vow to make things better. To put Dawn first.

It erased all the tales that I had heard about her, it was all that counted to me.

Willow was different. On the one hand she’s made tentative steps towards accepting that Faith could have changed, yet on the other I can still see her need to side with Buffy. To not make her feel that she has turned traitor. It’s difficult and I know she’s struggling. She does see it though, see that Faith could be the one to change things.

Her excitement the other day after the fight was comical;

“Did you see though Tara, did you see the way she was..? Did you see her eyes? Cos I don’t think I imagined it… I saw something. It was kinda pissed, but whoa it was intense… it was like ‘old Buffy’… like undead Buffy…”

She had stopped as if to catch her mind up to her words.

“…not undead, not like a vampire… but alive, like uh… like alive Buffy.”

“I saw it Will, and yes… it was intense.”

And it was. It wasn’t just the eyes though, it was the charge in the room. When they had been standing off against each other there was no where else to look. No where else I could have looked. They create such an energy between them, an immense overload of built up pent up energy. I guess it’s probably a slayer thing. I wonder if it’s anything more.

Xander hasn’t said much. I was there when Willow told him she was back, had seen the animosity as it crept to the surface, then disbelief as we tried to explain why she was here… and then bemusement at the fact that we had been ‘sucked in’;

“But this is Faith! Doesn’t anyone remember Faith? Tried to kill me, and you… did the little body swap deal with the Buffster? Tell me you remember Willow.”

“I… of course I remember, but I don’t know… she’s…”

“Insane?”

“No Anya! Well, I don’t think she is, she seemed kind of… nice?”

“It’s probably just a cover, she’s planning on getting close and then killing you all… it’s the classic Trojan horse strategy, quite efficient.”

“An honey, she did that already.”

“Well you definitely shouldn’t trust her then.”

“I don’t think she’s asking us to trust her…” I had had to speak up, I believed that she deserved the chance to repent. To make amends. “…I think that she just wants a chance. She wants to be there for Dawn, and if she can make things up to everyone while she’s here then great.”

“Well you can give her chances, I have a wedding to be alive for… and so does Xander!”

And that had been the sole debate on Xander’s views. He looks nervous now, and I understand that. Another story I had been told about… how Faith had used him and abused him, tried to strangle him when he offered to help. He’s a good man though and I trust that he will see her heart. Offer the chance she deserves.

What does Buffy feel? The easy answer would be nothing, but that wouldn’t be true. No matter how much we are all talking, how much we call her name to grab attention, her eyes keep leaving us. Keep that scanning thing happening, gaze always darting from doorways to floor. It was the widening of her eyes that let me know she was finally here. Making me twist in my chair to check my assumption.

And Goddess she is beautiful. Encased in leather that lives against her skin as if it belongs there, hair reaching up to pile atop her head, eyes painted dark to inspire mystery. It made me think something to hide behind. It let me know that she was nervous.

I rose to greet her with Dawn, smiled her a way into the crowd.

“Faith, it’s great to see you, how are you?”

She looked like she wanted to run and I couldn’t blame her. I had served some time as an outsider to this group, knew what it was like to only wish that you truly belonged. Dawn latched onto her arm as if she too sensed that she might flee.

“Hey Faith, I wondered if you were coming cos it got kinda late and you weren’t here…” She knitted her eyebrows and ran an enquiring gaze quickly over her form. “…but I guess you were slaying, and THAT outfit is TOTALLY cool for slaying… Buffy never wears anything like that…”

She flicked her attention quickly to her sister, I couldn’t help but follow her eyes, see the expression that sat firmly on Buffy’s face. It wasn’t amused.

“…but her clothes are cool too, right?”

“Uh… yeah, your sisters style has always been ‘cool’, totally.”

It was hard then not to compare them. I didn’t want to, I guessed that people trying to compare them had often been a problem, but Dawn’s words had me studying the two of them closely. Faith dressed in a way which screamed of danger and hidden secrets and Buffy in a way which would never be either. I could guess who Dawn thought was cooler.

I diverted any more open comparisons by leading her over to the sofas. Offering her a seat next to me, Dawn perching on the arm right next to her. It was safety in a way, she had an ally either side. It didn’t really balance the glares which were flying her way from the other side of the table, but I hope it helped. Offered her strength.

She looked so uncomfortable sitting there, the silence which had now fallen over us only adding to an atmosphere. Anya broke it, in the way she always finds to disturb a silence and speak the truth.

“She doesn’t look so scary.”

“She can hear you honey… and looks can be deceiving.”

“I know she can hear me, I don’t care, I said she doesn’t look scary so I’m not scared of her.”

“She isn’t scary, she’s really nice…” Dawn was there as ever to speak her cause. “…Faith, this is Anya… I don’t think you did anything to her, probably best not to mention the stallion thing though.”

I could see Faith colour, it was something I wouldn’t believed she could do if I wasn’t seeing it. It went so much against her costume for the evening. I liked it. It was cute. I didn’t have a clue what the thing was with stallions though, I thought Anya had an aversion to bunnies, not horses. Anya obviously didn’t have a clue either.

“Stallions..? Why can’t she mention stallions..? Are they Trojan stallions?”

“Oh no, just the two legged kind… go by the name of Xander!”

“DAWN!”

That was Buffy. Faith’s mouth was hanging open, I think mine was too… Willow looked mortified, Xander was… primping. Anya was speaking.

“What do you mean? What does that mean?”

“I hope it doesn’t mean anything!”

“Cool it B, all it means is that I think you’re really lucky Anya, Xander’s a real catch… I heard you’re getting married, I hope it all goes well for you.”

That was really clever. I don’t remember Willow telling me that she was really clever. Xander and Anya are staring into each others eyes, smiling lovers smiles and forgetting the tension of the proceeding minutes.

“Faith really likes weddings Anya, maybe you should tell her about it.”

I realise that Dawn is really clever too. She’s turned what could have been awkward into something less so. It’s nearly four down, the girl is a genius. You can see who doesn’t look too happy with the turn of events, but with Buffy’s levels of happiness lately it makes not a lot of difference. The conversation is flowing before I know it and it’s easy to sit back and observe, to share secret smiles with Willow as the world moves on around us.

In what seems like seconds the seating plan is shifting. They’re going to dance. Dawn and Faith and Xander and Anya. I see Willow get up, she asks me to dance with her eyes. I shake my head though, I want to try and talk to Buffy again. Take a moment to touch base. She doesn’t mind, she can have fun without me.

It’s a short while before either of us speaks, both of us lost in thoughts, perhaps ordering thoughts.

“So how are you? I haven’t had a chance to really speak to you since the other night… how are you holding up?”

“What with? Everything? Pretty crap… with Dawn..? God I’m trying.” I see her eyes flit to the dance floor, see the only thing they’re focusing on. “It’s hard though Tara… I want…” She stops speaking, her gaze again lost across the room. I turn to join it and still it’s the same. Faith is urging Dawn into dancing, poking at her sides to make her movements bumpy and irregular, causing laughter not only for her but for all of them.

“It’s okay Buffy, she won’t hurt her.” I guessed that she was worried, was scared that Dawn would get close to Faith and then Faith would be bad again. It was a valid worry as a sister, but it was good to see her worried at all.

“What?” Her eyes stayed locked, her word barely a whisper.

“I said it’s ok, I said she won’t hurt her.”

“It’s not Dawn I’m worried about her hurting.” I glanced at Willow, at the happy couple… I didn’t see who she could be worried about if not for Dawn.

“What do you mean? You think she’s gonna hurt all of them?”

She tore her eyes back to mine, looked at me confused. “All of them? What?”

I think we lost some sort of communication skills then. Both of us happy to sit and look confused. I decided to bring us back, to what I was starting to talk about before. I would think about the comment later, but I would work the comment out sooner.

“Is Dawn behaving better? Since the other night?”

“Better as in less slamming doors? Yes. Better as in not scowling at me every time I get home late? No.”

“Maybe you could stop the getting home late for a while, let Faith take the burden of the slaying…” It made sense. And I knew that Faith would be willing, we had already discussed it, it had been her suggestion. “…maybe if you were there more she would forget how to scowl.”

“I don’t know, I think it’s permanent.”

I looked again to the dance floor, she wasn’t scowling. She was smiling and laughing and dancing and having fun. It was like it used to be. Like it should be. “She’s not scowling now sweetie, is she?”

Buffy’s eyes glazed as she studied her, more tears which wanted out, tears I knew that she would fight to keep inside, would fight to keep from letting her pain be public. “Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m a defunct sister… perhaps you could adopt her, I think she likes you and Wills much better anyhow.”

I thought it best to remind her, the way I had to remind myself. “There isn’t technically a me and Wills at the moment Buffy…”

“But there will be, right? You guys are my beacon… my belief in something worth having.”

Willow was my beacon too. And definitely worth having. “I hope so Buffy, I really hope so.” And I did. I kind of knew it. I knew she was just waiting for my words, was ready to do what ever I said to make things better. That was the thing though, with how much I love her I’ve found that most things have just made themselves better. Just being near her again, touching her again, laughing with her again… I feel better.

“I hope so too. Really.”

I remembered suddenly the feeling I’d had the other night when Spike had come by. The feeling that there was more there then had met the eye. I’d mentioned it to Willow and she had looked at me horrified… said even the Buffybot had lost interest in Spike at the end, was no way that the real deal Buffy would ever go there. Not Spike. He was dead and evil. But I wasn’t so sure. I had seen what I saw. The way they interacted. I approached things slow, worked my way up to asking.

“And what about you..?”

“Me?”

“And love… is there anyone?” It was tempting to say anything. I was sidetracked though, because her eyes didn’t shut down, her face didn’t remain empty and passive. No. Her eyes followed exactly the same route they had been travelling ever since we had started talking. I knew who they would be resting on if I turned to see. And it made me think. Made me understand a little more. “Buffy..?”

“Oh… NO! No-one…” She put her eyes back on me and killed whatever flame had just been burning there. I wondered if she even knew it was there, if she was too wrapped up in the hating to understand for herself. “…I’m not really, you know… looking for someone at the moment, I guess maybe I’ll live a while first, get rid of the corpse smell before I look to share a bed.”

I didn’t laugh and she looked apologetic. “Sorry, graveside humour… maybe you have to die to appreciate it.”

“Maybe.” I watched her sink back into the sofa and end the discussion before it’s begun. I still wanted to ask about Spike. A vibe is a vibe. This time I went with the blunt way in. “So how’s Spike doing? Isn’t he here tonight?”

“Spike? Why are you asking about Spike?”

“You spend a lot of time with him recently…” I mentally calculated in my head from what I knew from Dawn and Willow. “…in fact, I think you spend most of your time with him?”

“Well with the slaying… he’s efficient, he kills lots.”

“Because he’s evil?”

“Right. He’s evil. But it helps… having someone there.”

“For slaying?”

Our eyes met then. I could see everything she was suppressing. It hit me hard and it hurt. She tore her eyes away first, closed them on herself, almost as if she could take it away.

“Buffy?” She didn’t look up, didn’t open her eyes. Just spoke flat. A monotone.

“I know Tara… I know, ok.” And then I knew. For definite. I tried to keep my own tone even, to not betray what I felt.

“Do you… love him?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Then why?”

She sat herself back up. Opened her eyes now and fixed them on me. Such deep green, and such deep pain. “Because it hurts Tara… because it feels disgusting, and depraved and I hate myself every single time I let him touch me… but I…” And her eyes did start to weep, did cry the tears that so obviously wanted to be set free. I went to her, tried to shield her from the looks of people passing by, from her sister, her friends. I held her head to my shoulder, encouraged her to let it out. To free herself.

“Come on sweetie, you can tell me… I won’t judge you, this isn’t about judging you.”

“Oh god… I just, I can’t stop… when I’m with him, what I feel? It’s real Tara… it may make me want to curl up and die, make me despise everything I am… but for those minutes, those hours… it’s real. It hurts and it’s real and I feel it.”

I wanted to cry with her. For her. It’s like I said. Too much has happened lately whilst we all had our eyes closed. Too much has been allowed to happen unchecked. I knew she was unhappy, I knew that where we had taken her from was causing her pain… but did I know how unhappy? Did I have a clue how deep it ran? Not one.

I didn’t know what to say. What to do. If anything could be said. I just held her till she stopped, wiped the hair back from her face and kissed her forehead. “I’m here for you Buffy, you know that. If there’s anything I can do?”

“Don’t tell anyone..? Please?… I couldn’t bear it… couldn’t take them knowing what I’ve become. What I do.”

I didn’t like to think about the things they did. I could guess it wasn’t nice, guess it wasn’t candle light and flowers. I guessed it was doing more harm to Buffy then any good that feelings these emotions was ever going to do for her. “Shhh I promise. I won’t say anything.”

“Thank you… and thank you for listening. For not judging me.”

“I’m in no place to judge the unconventional Buffy… you know that.” I wiggled my eyebrows and made her smile a bit. Traced my fingers under her eyes to wipe at the mascara trail she had left there.

“I guess I’m a mess right?”

“Nothing a little TLC can’t cure.”

“I meant my eyes.”

I looked her straight in them, offered her understanding. “And I meant everything.”

“Buffy..? Are you okay?” I hadn’t heard Dawn approaching, looked up and noticed her frown.

“Hey, none of that… I saw all that laughing on the dance floor, you have to have saved some for me.”

“Oh… the dance floor, that’s why I’m here.” She pointed back towards the others. “That boy is back, Andrew? I think he’s crushing on Willow, he won’t stop staring at her… I thought you should know.”

I laughed as I noticed who she meant. Willow had told me all about her new follower. She thought he was funny, a little geeky… she said he reminded her a little of the Xander of old. Bumbling nervousness. I could see it from here, the way he was looking at her, trying to talk, tripping over his words. It was cute.

“I think I’m safe thanks Dawnie, but you tell her I’m watching her… that I expect that dance any minute now.”

She skipped off without a second thought. I turned back to Buffy. “Are you ok now, if I go and dance?”

“Of course I’ll be ok, I’m a big bad slayer!”

More like a little sad Buffy. “Even slayers can fall apart.”

I left her to ponder that. Went to protect Willow from the lure of the boys. Slipped myself in close and let her admirer know that she was already loved. Reminded her that she was loved. It seemed important at that moment. After talking to Buffy I just wanted Willow to know how much I needed her. Would always need her.

She slipped around to face me, looked into my eyes and melted my heart all over again. I could see the sparkle, the longing. I was sure I had it all mirrored.

“I love you Tara.”

“I know you do baby, and I love you.”

It was all it took to forget, to make me close my eyes on the world and lose myself in a kiss I had been dreaming of for weeks. A kiss better.

It was soft and it was sweet and it was tempting and desirable. I sighed as her lips slowly nibbled their way along my bottom one, pushed my tongue forward that last step as it gently met with hers. Just for that second the whole world was perfect. How it should be.

As my eyes opened again it was only love I saw. My love. It was only Dawn I heard though. “Oh wow! Are you two back with the kissing? I love you two kissing… it is SO sweet!”

“No way Dawn… that wasn’t sweet, that was hot! Wicked hot!” I had to chuckle, it was the expression on her face, devilish grin with a side dish of horny.

“Glad you enjoyed it.” I leant forward and kissed my girl again, made the most of my audience. Sometimes I was shy, Willow made me brave. “But now it’s over.”

“All good things.” She quickly ran her eyes around, made to whisper. “At least it shut Anya up for five seconds… does she ever stop talking about weddings, and wedding nights?”

More laughter. I really did like her. “Not really, sometimes eviscerations… not so much lately though.”

“Strange chick… Cordy is gonna die!”

I wondered who was Cordy. Hoped she wouldn’t die.

“Cordy? Is she… coming here?”

“Sure is Red, couple of days… be like old times, only less killing and shit.”

I could feel her arms tighten slightly around me. “I don’t know Faith, I think you’re all repenty girl, but then you tell me that… makes me wonder if you’re still kinda evil!”

“Hey, Cordy’s cool… she’s a little…”

“Bitchy?”

“Honest.”

“Xander’s gonna freak… oh god and Anya, she’ll probably cancel the wedding!”

“Hey calm down, it’s not so bad… she’s not so bad. Ya just have to learn when to duck and cover.” She smiled a lot, winked at us and walked away. I let Willow bring me up to speed on who we were talking about. I remembered mention of her before, that she was kind of mean. But then Faith has a reputation to live down and she is just a dream. Maybe this Cordy will be fine too.

We all left the Bronze together, even Andrew still clinging desperately to the fringe of the group. We didn’t arrange to all go back to Buffy’s. It just happened that way. Not even a mention of who should and shouldn’t be allowed to share the same space.

I kept my eyes open and on everyone. There was so much to see. But mostly I kept them on Willow. I realised tonight how bad life could be if you didn’t hang on to the things which made it better. The things which you loved.

Chapter 8

POV Faith

Back in front of the mirror. Eyeing up the end to an evening which didn’t spell an end. My hand raises unbidden to the glass, to the reflection that looks back at me smug and sure, as if it knows more then I do. But it can’t. Because it’s still only me and I don’t know anything.

It’s cold when I make contact, as if it should be cold, as if it can chill the fire that I can’t stop from raging inside. What would it take to smash it? To rain down shards of glass and break all that I am?

Not much. A touch. A heavy caress. Skin against skin. Her.

She thinks she’s hiding, thinks that those barriers she’s got all set in place are gonna stop me from seeing, from knowing, from feeling. But nothing can stop me from that. Because I do see. I did see. All laid out as pretty as a picture.

Of course I knew she was watching me. She didn’t stop watching me, her eyes honing in on me as soon as I had stoked up enough courage to step foot through the doors. My heart beating louder then the thump of the base. Nerves have got nothing on what I’ve got for her. A superb fucking twist of fate. Maybe loving her is my penance. My real hell on earth.

It’s like every time I’m walking towards her it feels like I’m stepping head first into my destiny. Oh god! How fucked up does that sound??

Words can’t catch it though. DON’T catch it. She makes me want to scream. She makes me want to die. She makes me want to live. She makes me want. Everything and nothing. If I span round and around as fast as I could and didn’t ever stop, it still wouldn’t come close to how it feels being with her. The disorientation. The dizzyness. The sickness.

I kept my back to her when I was dancing with Dawn. It shields some of it, stops some of it from laying so naked in my eyes the way I want to lay naked…

No.

But when Dawn went to her, went to tell Tara tales of the boys, then I looked. Then I allowed a second of respite for my gaze which had been fighting to find her all night.

It hurts. It hurts that she hurts.

That’s not the fuck up though, the fuck up is that a little bit of me wanted the hurt to be for me, because of me. I want to touch her in a way that means that much to her. Crazy right?

Yes.

And I know it. Ask me if I believe I can take the pain away and then it gets even crazier. It does feels like my destiny and ain’t that just bullshit. I can’t believe that a little piece of me still has the gall to think I could ever be something more then nothing to her. The one that kisses it better.

I trace again reflection of lips. Lips that have touched her skin in kisses not made for healing. Kisses made to taunt, to push, to demand more. I could hate those lips of mine.

I saw a kiss tonight that left me breathless. Not with want and desire, not with horniness and lust. Breathless because it was real. What a kiss should be like. Smiles and satisfaction. Love.

It made me look for her again. Made me chuckle my exit away from the crowd of happy people and back to the glare of one who hates me. Praying for a sign that I could come a little closer, edge a little nearer.

She was watching with unseeing eyes, had drawn her knees up under her chin, her feet resting on the edge of the sofa, pulling me towards the edge of reason. Towards her. I didn’t sit, didn’t look to find comfort next to her, with her… I just stood before her. What more can I do? What more can I offer other then what I am now?

She didn’t focus when she spoke, made me wonder if she knew it was me she was talking to. If I was a convenient body, something to allow her words to escape. It didn’t matter. Of course it didn’t. It just mattered that my ears were hearing her, my eyes seeing her.

“Sometimes I watch them… all of them, my family, my friends… I watch them playing, laughing, trying to get on with it, making the most of it… and do you know?”

I followed her gaze to the dance floor, to the witches wrapped in arms safe, to Dawn and Anya making fun of Xander. “Know what B?”

“All I can feel is jealous, envious…” She chuckled at herself but there wasn’t any joy in it. “…I feel angry, I want to take all of them and make them feel for one minute what it’s like… looking at them, knowing it’s them who did this to me…”

Her eyes flicked to mine and they looked so guilty. Ashamed.

“…I died for them. Gave everything up for them… and now I can’t hardly bear to even be near them.”

I moved my body round, moved until it was only me she could see in front of her, couldn’t let her glance slip around me and back to them. Let myself be the only thing she could direct her feelings at. It made her stop, made her eyebrows scrunch as she showed me confusion. I didn’t know… what I was doing, what I thought.

“It’s tough.”

“It’s tough..? Is that the best you’ve got Faith? I thought you were here to help..? I thought you said you could help?”

“I said I could help Dawn.”

She smiled a little and I figured she was considering that, maybe accepting it. “I think you’re right… I think you can help her.”

Freeze frame. Stop. Rewind. Play.

“I think you’re right… I think you can help her.”

Freeze frame. Stop. Rewind. Play.

In the second it takes to draw a breath I had dissected every sound, every expression, every word. Over and over. SHE thought I was right? She was giving ME validation. I didn’t have a reply. I wanted more from her. Craved it even.

“Don’t look so shocked Faith…” At least I didn’t look obvious. “…you may think I hate you, despise you…”

And the rest.

“…but…”

What?

“…I don’t…”

Please stop there. Please?

“…have the energy anymore…I don’t care anymore. I can’t even remember how it felt, all the things you did… we did, I don’t remember how to care. I don’t feel anything.”

I run my fingers up from the reflection of my lips to the reflection of tears. My tears. Sometimes I think I don’t have any. Other times I think that they won’t ever stop.

How do I take that? Those words? I’d seen so many things burn in her eyes the last few days, so many hate filled glances that let me know that I was still in there. And now what? Now she was telling me she didn’t hate me because she couldn’t be bothered?

At the moment when she said it I didn’t know whether to fall to my knees and weep out my gratitude, or fall to her knees and punch her fucking face in. I did neither. I did what she’s been doing. Hid my feelings. Hid my self.

It made me glad I had gone in costume. Glad that I had protection with me.

I could feel as my eyes began to sting with the things they were forced to hide, could feel as my body tensed itself the way she makes me tense, everything I want, everything so close… yet further away then ever.

She kept her eyes trained on me, kept them digging through levels looking for my answer. Well I didn’t have an answer. I couldn’t be bothered, right?

For a second it did show, just a slip, one breath hitched in throat, one sigh sagging my shoulders, one moment to let myself feel everything and then back to nothing. Back to her.

“Sweet B… nothing’s better then hate right?”

I knew the truth though. Nothing hurts worse then nothing. I want to think she knows it too. I want to think that she lies when she whispers them words to me. I want her to always remember. I want her to stop hating me because she sees me now. I want forgiveness from her. I want her to make me better. I want so much I ain’t ever getting.

Maybe it wasn’t the answer she wanted because she didn’t smile, didn’t shake my hand and bury the past beneath piles of bullshit.

“Can’t we just settle for ‘nothing’s better’?”

I settled for going to the bathroom, hiding away in a stall in the corner, giving a minutes relief to camouflage that was fighting to stay in place. When I heard the door go not minutes later I had the fucked up mentality to dream that it might be her, that she would follow me to make it right… to tell me it was all lies. That she hated me now more then ever. Anything.

The tapping on my door put paid to those thoughts, B would never be a soft tapper, she was always a pounder,

“Faith?”

“Just a second Dawn… what’s up?”

“Oh, nothing’s up… we’re just heading out, going back to mine. Are you coming with us?”

As plans go it wasn’t a good one.

“Thanks kid but no, I got things to do.” I left out gallons to drink. She thought I was a hero, I didn’t wanna dispel the myth just yet. I gasped the air back into my lungs and swung the door open, stood face to face with the reason I was supposed to be here.

“Are you ok? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong Dawn, just beat. Slayer aches and pains, nothing new.”

“Well then you HAVE to come back! Wills and Tara made this stuff for Buffy ages ago which helps with the healing… where does it hurt?”

Would it have been too corny to motion to my chest, my heart? It would have been the truth.

“It’s non specific… it just hurts.”

She looked at me confused, grabbed onto my arm and dragged me along with the rest of them. Slipping me in amongst the crowd as if I belonged there. I didn’t though, I was just pretending. Making smiles where none existed.

I sat on the edge of my seat when we got to the house, filling voids with laughter, all of it a lie. I just wanted out. Wanted to run and not come back.

When I picked up the balls to remove myself I bade a farewell to those who were listening, gazed wistfully at those who weren’t. Tara followed me out, stopped me on the porch with questions of her own.

“Faith?”

I didn’t want to turn, my defences were cracking left right and centre and I just wanted away. I stopped though. I owed her that.

“What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

There was a story I didn’t want to begin. “I’m cool Tara, flying high… I just gotta split, things to do.”

She snuck up on me and found a hug, I never would have let her if I’d known. If I knew how good it felt to be cared for. For someone to want to share my pain. I longed for Angel, settled for this one. Let arms hold me close for just a second of release.

When I pulled myself back she was looking at me like she knew. Like she understood everything. When she spoke I was sure that she did.

“Give it time Faith, give her time… she’s hurting, we’re all hurting.” Yet more truth.

And then she said the strangest thing, a hint of a healing smile gracing her lips. Words that leave me here, leave me lost and confused.

“She feels it though. She doesn’t know it… but she feels it.”

I didn’t ask for elaboration, didn’t have anything left to form the words. I left. Couldn’t take understanding eyes no more, so I walked away. Didn’t stop till I got here. Till I found the reflection of all that I’m feeling.

I let my hand fall away from the mirror, sneer at the mascara that stains my face, my defences dropping away, my camouflage shot to shit. Nothing hurts as bad as this. No wait. Nothing doesn’t hurt this bad. Only love hurts like this.

I let my fist travel to the destination it’s been seeking ever since I’ve been standing here. Let it feel the pain as the mirror yields under it’s force. Let my eyes bear witness as I violently fall to pieces. Shards of glass. It’s what I feel like.

She feels it.

She feels nothing.

I slip to the floor and know I can’t sink any lower. I can’t do it anymore. Can’t be strong, mature, all the things that Angel tells me I am.

All I want is to go home. To remember again how good distance feels.

I drag myself up and carry the weariness through to the bedroom. The soft toy still sits there. Mocking me with it’s innocence. I want that innocence so bad. It’s enough to make me fall to the bed, to enclose it in my arms and cling tight to hope, to dreams… to the belief in my own words. Things will be better. I promise.

Andrew tapped the secret knock onto the door of the of the basement and awaited entry. It was late and he was tired but Warren would not be happy if he didn’t report back his latest findings.

It surprised him how easy it had been to gain entry into the lives of these people, they were just so… accepting, like they were used to the odd waif and stray hanging around the place. He wouldn’t tell Warren but he kind of liked being there. It was fun, and they had cookies, and ice cream… and no one called him names. Well other then the dark haired one… but she was always calling people different names.

Willow was easy to watch. She was kind and funny and didn’t seem to mind when he talked endlessly about geek things. Which he did. A lot.

No. He wouldn’t tell Warren. But he did kind of like her.

The door swung open and Johnathan was there, looking brow beaten and worn. “Andrew… finally! Warren’s been waiting for you, he uh…” The boy looked back behind him, checked if he was being listened to. “…he isn’t very happy. You’ve been gone for ages.”

“They have cookies!”

“ANDREW!”

The volume and anger of the yell made him tremble as he descended the steps down into the lair, Warren always made him nervous, made his insides twist themselves into the tightest of knots. He made his way before him and waited for the verbal bashing.

“You’re late… why are you late?”

“I… uh… I was watching, and observing…”

“What did you find out?”

He took a moment to think. He hadn’t really found out much, didn’t know if Willow could be made to do what they wanted her to do… she seemed too nice. Too good to do bad.

“Erm… I…”

“Stop bumbling you fool, tell me about the witch… how strong is she?”

She didn’t look strong. “I didn’t see her do anything ‘strong’… she was just dancing and talking, she talks a lot, and her dancing is kind of individual with a style of her own…”

“Do you think I want a lesson on her dance technique?”

“No… she researches?”

Warren shook his head at him, all the disdain plain to see. He couldn’t wait until it happened, until he became all powerful. He wouldn’t waste his time with these fools then, he wouldn’t need to. Wouldn’t need anything except the power.

“What does she research?”

“Mostly books, she has a computer as well… Apple Mac, orange trim…”

He felt the slap to the head before he saw it. It Didn’t hurt so much as prickle him.

“I meant what does she research you idiot, not where!”

“Sorry… she didn’t say what, I just saw her doing it.”

“So you’ve been gone all night and you haven’t anything for me?”

He wracked his brain, tried to think of anything to placate Warren, it was hard when he was in this kind of mood. Evil emperor with a manic stare. “Her and her girlfriend are kind of back together!”

“That’s it?”

“She bakes cookies.”

Warren distanced himself from the boy in front of him, he didn’t want to kill him. Not yet… but sometimes he made him so mad. Was everyone this stupid?

“So she has a computer and a cookie making girlfriend… ETA on world domination then..? Oh I know… NEVER!” He screamed the last word, making both Johnathan and Andrew quiver in their boots. “This is supposed to be an intelligence operation! I should have known you couldn’t handle intelligent!”

“Well I didn’t want to do it… I SAID I didn’t want to do it.”

“Shut up Andrew.” He collected his thoughts for a moment, wondered at spiking the cookies, maybe mind control drugs… or perhaps the girlfriend was the way in, a weakness. “What’s the girlfriend like?”

“Tara? Oh she’s really nice, a little overt with the public displays of affection, but really nice.”

“A soft target?”

“Target…” For some reason Andrew didn’t like the sound of that, he knew he was supposed to be evil, but Tara WAS nice. “…target for what?”

“It doesn’t matter… I’ll think on it, formulate a plan that even you can comprehend.”

He turned his attention back to Johnathan, smiled a smile that did nothing to reassure. “Are you ready to try again..? Maybe your first grade magic will work this time?”

“I um… I can try.” The smaller boy walked again over to magic charms and spells he had assembled on the floor. He knew he wasn’t powerful enough, couldn’t make channels between dimensions, couldn’t deliver Warren what he wanted, what he needed… but he would try. He had no choice.

He uttered the words with confidence he didn’t possess, tried to make it show that he was trying his hardest, concentrated with everything he had…

The bowl in the middle of his magic circle began to shake, the air turning pungent as smoke slowly started rising up and into the ether… he could feel it coming close, feel the evil wrapping itself around him, looking for an entrance… a vessel, an escape into existence.

“I uh… I think it’s working…”

Warren was by his side in seconds, letting the smoke pour itself out and on to him. He could feel it, feel it calling to him, letting him know it was waiting. Evil was waiting to do his bidding. Just as he was waiting to serve evil. The connection was growing stronger, the air crackling with intensity, the sound of deep screams and torture blending itself with the smoke. He let crazed excitement show itself on his face, this was the moment he had been waiting for… been destined for… his first feel of all that he would become.

As he allowed himself to be carried away by the dwellings of his twisted mind, Andrew was watching in fear. He hadn’t seen Warren look quite like THAT before. He looked… crazy. It scared him. He could feel the power also and that called to him… but it was still very scary. He tried to sink himself into the walls. Didn’t want the smoke to touch him. He Didn’t trust it to touch him.

The explosion shocked them all. What was one minute a small amount of smoke very quickly became a basement full of smoke. It made Warren scream again. Made him angry again.

“WHAT HAPPENED!!!”

Johnathan looked down at the bowl which had split itself in two, at the black liquid that was pouring forth from the cracks and debris. He jumped up, didn’t want it to touch him. It all felt so much… so much more then what he had expected.

“I don’t know… it was fine, and then it was too much…”

“Useless!” Warren fell to his knees amongst the mess and looked longingly at what had almost been made to work. He could still sense it, in the liquid, in the air. He leant forwards, ran his fingers through the stuff, up to his eyes, painting his face. Marking himself. It felt like the right thing to do. What he was meant to do.

When he turned to speak again he noticed the horror on his followers features. As if they were cowering back from him, scared of him. It charged him, made him feel strong.

“Your… your eyes… they…”

But Andrew couldn’t describe it. It was as if the stuff from the floor had seeped through Warren’s skin, slipped to the very inside of him. It was there in his eyes, just blackness, a void… an intense pit of evil into which they would all fall.

When Warren spoke again his voice sounded different. More. It resonated from somewhere, perhaps the evil pit. “My eyes are fine… I can see, see what it will be, what I will be…” He stretched his arms out, flexed his muscles as if for the first time. His mind was working faster, more precise… showing him the way, leading him. “Tara.”

“What..?” Andrews voice was barely a whisper.

“Tell me more about Tara.”

POV Faith

Morning came so quick. One minute I was trying to drown myself in sleep, to avoid thinking and feeling, the next my dreams were chasing me from the night, opening my eyes up on sun shining through blinds. It made me moan, made me groan. I didn’t feel rested. I felt fucked.

My hand was pretty messy from last night, I didn’t bother to clean it, to pull the glass from the cuts and scrapes. I welcomed the pain, invited it in. Some of the wounds had started to heal over, imbedding the glass into skin, letting me know it would be a bitch of a job to sort out. I didn’t care.

Did I mention I’m sick of this shit?

I take myself to the kitchen, grab a glass and a bottle and make for the table. I sit and I look and I’m so fucking tempted. Tempted to wash it all away with the taste of whisky, the quenching of my aching thirst. I unscrew the cap slowly, it’s like a ritual… those few seconds before the burn. I know that drowning the pain doesn’t make it go away, but it helps. It numbs.

I’m just pouring when the knocking starts. I don’t listen, I keep pouring. I don’t need company, this here is all I need right now. All I want. I raise it up to my lips and let my slayer senses unravel the layers of smell, let my tongue touch liquid, head back, throat burning. Salvation.

Doesn’t stop the knocking though. And I’m so tired of being needed.

I get up and walk the way to the door, hissing a breath as my feet step through the glass that lays broken on the floor. More pain. More same. I don’t care.

I’m prepared for everyone, it doesn’t make a difference. It could be Dawn, Tara… hell it could be her, but it doesn’t matter. They’re getting the quickest of good byes and then they can fuck off. Today I won’t be entertaining. Today I just want me time. Call me selfish, I don’t give a fuck.

I swing back the door, glare attached to face. And again I’m shocked. I didn’t expect her. I guess I can still be surprised. She spoke first, but then she was expecting me.

“You look like shit… what the hell happened, I let you outta my sight for five minutes and you turn into a…” She ran her eyes down and over, shaking her head all the way. “…actually I don’t think I have the words.”

“Hi Cordy… great to see you.”

I stepped back and let her in, saw her glance at the wreckage that adorned the passage floor, followed her through to the kitchen and watched her expression as it settled on my liquid companion.

“So we’re drinking before breakfast again..?” Her eyes looked worried even though her tone was admonishing. “I thought you stopped that, you told us you had stopped that.”

What could I say. Things change.

“It’s not before breakfast, it IS breakfast… I wasn’t hungry.”

She pulled a chair out, motioned for me to take a seat. Why not? The glass in my feet was starting to hurt like a bitch. I needed a seat and a damn sight more whisky. I reached for the bottle, she got there first.

“Don’t fuck about Cordy, I want that.”

“I’m not worried about the wanting, I’m worried about the needing.”

She let her fingers take hold of my hand, turned it over in hers, inspected the damage done. “I guess I don’t need to ask what happened to the mirror?”

“It was asking for it.”

“Mirrors do that?”

“This one did.”

She didn’t ask for more, she made a couple of cooing noises as she saw the extent of the mess I had made. “Where’s the first aid kit?”

I pointed again to the bottle. It all made sense to me.

“I’ll make you a deal, you let me sort out that hand and I’ll let you have a drink.” I had told Dawn that Cordy likes to get bossy. I might have played it down a bit.

I got up and hobbled to the cupboard by the sink, pulled out the box that I took everywhere, all things I needed on regular occasions. Placed it before her on the table.

“What’s wrong with your foot?”

“Same as the hand, issues with glass.”

“You want to tell me what’s been going on?”

That made me smile. Possibly in a crazy way. “What’s been going on? Fucked if I know… it’s all bullshit. I’m sick of it.”

She narrowed her eyes, did that peering in thing. “Is it Dawn… I thought you and her were hitting it off?”

“Not Dawn.”

I let the silence speak her name, I knew it would, it always spoke her name to me.

“Buffy?”

Ding dong. Give the girl a prize. “The one and only.”

She took the tweezers from the box, a couple of the bandages. “Angel was worried this might happen.”

“Angel worries about everything… I thought you knew that.”

“Granted, but he was more worried about this.” She smiled to make it easier, took my hand and leant over.

I fucking screamed!!

“Jesus Cordy… you’re meant to be helping…” I grabbed the bottle up from the table, swigged a mouthful or two. “…fuck that hurt!”

“Stop complaining! What are you? A slayer or a baby?”

I grabbed my hand back from her, inspected any damage done. Blood was flowing freely again, the tweezers pulling out glass but re-opening the cuts. Made me wish I hadn’t left it last night. I took a breath, remembered who I was.

“I’ll be your slayer, baby.” And hell yeah I winked. Cordy was a hottie and she damn well knew it. She liked me to show appreciation sometimes. It made her smile.

She did smile, and she laughed and she motioned to the state I was in. “Rain check?”

“I’ll add it to the collection.”

She went slower as she worked at the rest of the cuts, lifted my foot to her lap and gently prised away all the glass there as well. She was quiet whilst she worked and I appreciated it. I wanted to order my thoughts before I spilled them. I knew she would want me to.

“I think that’s it, all done.” She took the rubbish to the trashcan, my glass to the sink. I still had the bottle though, who needed the glass? “Are you gonna hand that over or do I have to wrestle you for it?”

My grip tightened, it would be a fight. “You think you can take me?”

She rolled her eyes, walked over and slipped it from my grasp. I guess that was a yes.

“Come on, I’ll make breakfast… what do you want?”

“Not hungry.”

That stopped her. Made her look. “Okay… now I’m SURE something’s really wrong. You’re not hungry?”

I shook my head. I really wasn’t.

“Straight to the talking then?”

“Maybe some toast?” My appetite was back, what a surprise.

She banged about the cupboards looking for bread, could find only a box of pop tarts. “Will these do?”

“Whatever.”

I watched as she got some plates. Made the tarts. Placed them down. Carried them over. Looked after me. I was SO fucking glad she was here. Sooner then I expected as well. Maybe just in time. I wanted to ask.

“How comes you’re here already? Angel said a couple more days.”

She set the plates down, sat herself down. “It was gonna be, but I don’t know… I had this feeling that you needed me sooner…”

“You had a vision about me?” That would be cool, I always wanted to be in one of her visions. I thought it might spell out my destiny for me if I was.

“No you dork! I just know what Sunnydale can do to the system… to your system.”

“No visions then?”

“Sorry, still not a one… you will be the first to know though, ok?”

I settled for that. I know the PTB can’t run around fulfilling wishes, but I would so like a heads up on what I’m doing, where I’m going. Anything.

“Thanks for coming, now… I missed you guys.”

“Are you about to get emotional? You know I love emotional Faith.”

I slipped beneath her sarcasm, I know it didn’t mean anything. It was one of her defences, we all had something. “You love me?”

I saw her reply about to shoot from her mouth, saw her lips curving up in that cutting grin that is all hers, and then I see her stop. I see her as she sees me. As her words change. “Hey… of course I love you, we all love you.”

I didn’t mean to start again. Didn’t mean to let one tear slip, two tears slip. She came around the table, tucked my hair behind my ear, wiped at my distress.

“What the hell have they done to you?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know if I could explain it to her. Angel knew. Of course he knew. Had always known.

“Nothing… they haven’t done anything.”

“It’s ‘her’ isn’t it..? It’s always her.” I knew that Cordy wasn’t a fan of Buffy’s. I didn’t know if that made it better or worse. I wanted someone on my side, but it didn’t mean I wanted someone against Buffy.

“It’s just screwed up, she hasn’t done anything… I just…”

“You do know she’s way too skinny right? And she’s not a natural blonde… I KNOW highlights when I see them!”

“Huh?” Highlights? Did I miss something?

“Doesn’t matter… I forgot how enamoured everyone always is with Buffy, hoped that maybe that might have faded. I’ve never understood it.”

“I don’t understand it Cordy… it just is, it always has been.”

She rolled her eyes heavenwards. “That is SO tragic.”

I laughed a little. It did sound kind of dramatic. Even to me. “As opposed to your little ‘thing’ with the big guy, right?”

I could play Cordy at her own game, I loved playing Cordy at her own game. She’d never play mine so I’d had to settle, had learnt.

“No thing! There is no thing!”

Now I really laughed. “Moony glances… wistful sighs… thumping hearts…” Nope, that was wrong. “…thumping HEART… stop me if I’m missing something?”

“You’ll be missing something if you carry on.” She narrowed her eyes, it was scary if you didn’t know her. Kinda sexy if ya did.

“You know I’m gonna take you for a tumble if you keep offering!”

“In your dreams slayer!”

I admit… maybe… once or twice. I can’t help my thoughts though, she is damn fine. I gave her a wink, lifted myself from the chair. I felt like shit, wanted a shower. This day was looking up. Fuck it… everything was looking up.

I hobbled my way from the room, the limp not disguising a spring in my step that I thought I had lost. I went back to my room, tore of my clothes. Stood naked before the mirror there.

Just me. No costumes. No camouflage. Just me.

I smiled a little smile at the me in the mirror. I had believed my words and they had come true… things already were better. So much better. I remembered then that believing in myself was the way to go. Angel believed in me. Cordy believed in me… there were even some people here who had found it easy to believe in me.

And If SHE couldn’t? Well… I can’t change that. But I CAN stop it from breaking me.

I’m more then what she defines me as. I know that. I’m not nothing. I’m Faith.

I grab a towel and leave the room, head to the bathroom. I can’t resist poking my nose in on Cordy first though, giving her a little show, a little bit of slayer booty. “Hey, I’m taking a shower… you wanna wash my back?”

It didn’t shock her, didn’t make her blush. It never does. She’s way too cool for that. She ran her eyes across the flesh that I was proudly putting on display, let her eyebrows arch in a question. “Do you treat all your visitors like this?”

“Only the hot ones… you fancy it?”

She stood herself up, walked ever so slowly towards me, fixed her eyes onto mine, let lust burn through. Boy I was sweating. She leant up and whispered in my ear. “Where’s the television? I’ve got some infomercials that need watching!”

I laughed, she slapped my ass. Cordelia Chase. My fucking hero.

Chapter 9

POV Faith

Sunnydale is starting to feel a damn site more sunny these last few days. It’s amazing what a friend can do. Having Cordy here has levelled me, I don’t feel so ready to slip over the edge anymore. I feel stable. I feel like I can do what I set out to do and nothing else matters. I can go home, this can be over.

I laid it all out for her, she gave me no choice, she pestered on and on until I was ready to give up the secrets I had already let fester since being back here. The way that Buffy was making me feel, the intensity of being so close to her again, the intensity of being so far away from her. It’s all there. All the time. She listened, and she spoke and she gave me back some reason.

There’s a reason that it’s never worked out, she said. Didn’t dismiss it and say it never would, but forced me to accept that I couldn’t set a pace on it… whatever I do doesn’t matter. I can’t make her feel something if she isn’t ready to feel.

My own words to Dawn given straight back to me.

I had to listen. And it does feel better. Remembering that my life doesn’t revolve around B. That I can be happy without her. These were all things I had been allowing myself to forget. She was making me remember.

Today’s all about the fun times. It’s about me and Cordy meeting Dawn and Tara for coffee. Excellent right? My three favourite people at the moment and a nice dash of caffeine. I can think of worse ways to spend an afternoon. Red is a studying no show and B wasn’t invited. I think she has work anyway.

I spot them first but I guess it’s cos I’m looking. Crossing the road without a worry between them. I wonder if they know how care free they look, how happy? It makes me greet them with a smile and even hugs. Arms for Tara and then arms for Dawn. We make easy speak, hello’s and how are you’s. I stand back and reintroduce Cordy… to Dawn as a memory, and to Tara for the first time.

I see Tara run eyes over her, see the little glint, know that she sees what I see. A damn fine chick and no doubt about it. There’s no sign of shyness as she reaches out her hand.

“Hi, I’m Tara. It’s really good to meet you. Willow’s told me lots about you.”

“Really? I bet that’s all good then, hopefully I can change your mind over coffee?”

I laughed, she grinned, Dawn sought out the attention. “Cordy… remember me?”

She stood there tall and proud and I could see the way she was hoping that she would be found favourable. Now Cordy can be may things, the biggest bitch outside of Juvie… but she has a whole lot of qualities she doesn’t get credit for. Fucking nice is one of them. She’s it, and she worked it on Dawn right then. Went up to her and walked around her, exclaiming the whole damn time.

“No way… it can’t be… Faith, you never told me she was THIS beautiful…” She made a show of primping at her hair, holding out her arms. “…seriously, you’re little Dawn Summers, sister of Buffy?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Well… I can certainly see where all the looks got going to! Slay girl may have got the strength, but girl you got the beauty!”

Man, she was blushing. All teenage embarrassment at the compliments being fed her way. It was great. Full marks to my hero of the hour. “She does have a little something, don’t she Cor?”

She nodded her assent. “Damn right she does.” She stepped back and looked again, her brow slightly furrowing. I knew the look, the ‘I have a plan’ look. “There’s something not quite right though… it’s the clothes, they’re so… Buffy!”

Hmmm. I could see Dawn’s look of horror, I stifled a laugh. “Don’t worry Dawn, she’s messing… you look great!”

Tara waded in and added her own support, but there was no deflecting Cordy. “No! Please Faith… you may know bad ass, but I KNOW fashion… and this kid is dying here.” She opened her purse and pulled out her wallet, rummaged around until she came up with the goods. “This is what we need!”

I peered closer, saw the company credit card. “Soul dude know you got that?”

“Angel is aware, he understands a girls needs…”

“I bet…”

“Faith!” She left it there, handed the card to Dawn. “What do you say? Me and you and a little retail therapy?”

Her eyes fucking lit up so damn much! Makes me wish I had thought of it. She turned to Tara. “Can I… please?”

“I don’t know… Buffy didn’t say anything…”

“Oh come on Tar, Cordy’s cool… not an evil bone in her body, she’ll look after her. I promise.”

I could see her thinking, looking at Cordy considering the option. Dawn was still pleading with the eyes and I guess it was a foregone deal. “Okay, but not for too long, and not too much… no advantage taking of nice friends and their plastic.”

“Thank you!” She gripped her arms around Tara’s neck and proceeded to down the rest of her coffee. Had to still be hot, made me think that shopping wasn’t a trip often ventured on.

Cordy caught up quick and soon they were ready to go. I felt a little nervous letting them out of my sight, I trusted Cordy but I didn’t trust Sunnydale. “Be careful guys. And not too long…”

“Save it Faith, us girls are all grown up, we can look after ourselves…” She grabbed Dawn’s hand and turned to leave. “…enjoy your coffee!”

Right. Me and Tara alone for coffee. Bet ya can guess where my mind wouldn’t stop straying. The words. Her words. Over and over again and again. I had teased myself with them, letting them slip around in my head, taunting me with the possibilities of what they could mean. And now I had the chance to ask. I was scared shitless.

When I had told Cordy the words she had said she just looked at me dumbstruck. Moaned about the cryptic bullshit that this town was full of and moved onto other things. Trying to distract me from my constant conundrum. Now Tara just looks at me considering. It’s like she sees inside me sometimes… like she’s really looking.

“You want to ask, don’t you?”

You see? Stuff like that? Stuff that says she knows what I’m thinking. It’s kind of scary.

“Am I really that obvious?”

“Not really… I just look. Don’t worry though, there’s a ‘no looking’ epidemic going on just now, no one else is seeing anything.”

“There’s a relief.” I think. Maybe it would be better with cards laid out on tables. No more hiding behind misinterpretations. “I don’t get it though, I don’t get what you mean…”

“Are you sure about that?”

No. Of course I think I know what she means. Can I speak it though, can I allow it to mean that? “Look Tara, if you know something you think I need to know, then yeah… tell me. But I dunno, if this is some kind of cryptic quest you’re offering? I’m out…” I shrug my shoulders. “…I can’t play these games anymore.”

The slightly offended look is maybe not good. I try again. “I didn’t mean nothing by that ok… me and Buffy, you gotta understand it’s not easy…” What are the right words? “…just… can you tell me what you meant?”

She takes her time before answering. “The charge Faith… I don’t know how to describe it…” She sits back and looks at me, tries to elaborate. “…there’s just this incredible tenseness whenever you’re in the same room… I feel it, it cloaks me…”

“Hey, nothing new there girlfriend. Me and B always worked the tension.”

She peers at me with those all seeing eyes. “Always Faith?”

I think, I remember, I confirm. “Yeah. Always.”

She picks up her cup and swirls it’s contents, her focus for a minute lost in what ever she’s seeing there. “All that tension… did you ever…” She looks back up and I see her blush. “…act on it?”

Huh?

“Well she knifed me in the guts, I stole her body… is that what you mean?”

“No… did you ever…?”

The silence stretches out and I know just what she means. “You wanna know if we ever… did it?”

Now she really blushes. It’s really damn cute. “Yeah… did you, with her?”

“Not even close.”

I can remember all the times it felt close. All those hot sweaty training sessions when the only thing protecting her from the heat of my desire was the fact that we were wearing clothes. I’d pin her ass to the mats, cover her completely as much as possible head to toe. Skin on skin. Heavy breathing, body pleading. It’s how I liked to play with her, and sometimes she played the same. Sometimes I’d seen that look when she put my ass down, when it was her sliding over me, holding me down as eyes met eyes, letting me know I was beat.

I hear Tara speaking again and try to regain focus. Slow my heart.

“…it would have made sense.”

“Huh?”

“You’re not listening?”

“No, I am… sorry, quick mind melt, it’s done now.” I smile for good measure, lean forwards on my hands and give her my full attention.

“I said it would have made sense if you had.., I thought maybe that’s why, with the aggro?”

“Nope, me killing things caused the aggro… before that it was cool…” I think for a moment. “…well, kind of cool. There was always some aggro, even from the beginning. Maybe there’s something about me that she’s just never liked?”

Her eyes are all mysterious, smiling at me. Like she knows all the things that I don’t. I want to know. “What? You can’t sit there all cat got the canary and not share!”

“Well, did you ever consider that maybe there was aggro because she had seen something that she DID like?”

Erm… no!

“You’re way off base there Tar, that girl’s got stick shoved so far up her ass it’s the only thing she’s ever thought about driving!”

Damn she’s blushing again.

“And… uh… what about you?”

I laugh, she colours some more. “You interested in checking out the goodies?” I raise my eyebrows in all the ways that let her know that these goodies are worth checking out. She starts to stammer something and I figure I’ll save her. “Cool it girl, I’m just messing.”

“Right… messing.”

“And yeah… I’ll drive whatever I fancy at the time, if it feels good, I do it.” And I do. I don’t need labels telling me what I can or can’t, should or shouldn’t. There’s only one person that makes the decision on where this body goes, and that’s me. End of.

“So… did you want to?”

“What? With B?” She nods her confirmation and I speak mine. “Damn right I did, wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t wanna get down and dirty with her… wasn’t an option though. She had Angel… I had a few. After a while I got used to the tension…”

I remember stoking it. I remember inviting her for dances that pushed it to the edge. Fingers finding skin, caressing flesh… whispering into her ear how hot she made me, did she feel it? Her laughter, my laughter… but always something there. Something that made me keep asking, made her keep accepting. All until that night. Our last dance.

“Faith?”

I wonder what would have happened if we’d been allowed to dance again. If that wasn’t the last, if there had been more?

“Hey..? You uh… melting your mind again?”

“Something like that.” I don’t mean to sigh, really I don’t. This is the same old shit that I don’t like to think about. Too many what ifs to ever make sense of.

“It must be hard… being here again?” I just look at her. There aren’t the words to tell her. I hope my eyes have got it down. She sits and she stares and it does feel like she’s slipping inside of me, really seeing everything I am, searching for all the answers I never found. When she speaks she doesn’t question, she tells me. Something I already knew. “You love her.”

“I…”

I what? I’m a stupid fuck up? Got that right. “…it’s not that easy Tara, I can’t say that… I can’t even know if I mean it, how could I know? The things we’ve done… I don’t know. There’s something… sure there’s something…”

She smiles at me with sympathy and for the first time ever I don’t wanna wipe that look from a face. I accept it. It feels like the right thing to do. She hops up for more coffee, I sit back and wonder what other revelations she might have. How is it that one so unassuming can know so much?

I watch her blowing the steam from the cup, her fingers as they slowly stir her spoon. I’m willing her to talk, to say more. Eventually the silence gets me, I’m the one who’s breaking it. “So… you think she still feels something then?” Smooth. Really fucking smooth.

“There’s not a question Faith. Willow sees it… anyone who looked could see it.” There’s more to say but she looks uncomfortable forming the words, maybe as if she doesn’t want to betray Buffy. I urge her on, I want to know.

“Tell me Tara. Please?”

“I don’t know… I don’t want to say something and then… I don’t want to give you false hope.”

“Hey, I’m flying on no hopes right now, you know a way to brighten my day I’m opting for hearing it.”

She still takes her time. More then a minute rushing by unfilled. “Look… with Buffy, there’s some stuff… some things she’s been…” She stops again. I can’t even guess what the fuck she is talking about. It’s the return of cryptic nonsense.

“Been what?”

“Things she’s been doing… things she shouldn’t be doing, things which are hurting her…”

What was she saying? B had turned into a speed freak or something, upping the stakes with a little light stimulation? I guess it would explain some of the erratic behaviour… staying out all the time, non responsive to friends and family. I’d seen drugs before, first hand knowledge of the stuff… never would’ve thought Buffy though.

I didn’t know what to say. “Uh… drugs? B’s getting naughty with the drugs?”

“No!… no drugs.” She laughed a little to herself, kinda joyless, not a fun sound. “Maybe drugs would be better, at least we could stick her in rehab.”

Not drugs. So what?

“So what’s the what? She isn’t dabbling there, so what is she up to?”

She just shook her head. Gave me sad eyes. “I can’t say what… just that she is.” I sigh in frustration, it’s just all bullshit. Again. “I’m sorry Faith, I promised.”

“Whatever.”

This was all starting to sound pointless. Less answers, more questions.

“I shouldn’t have said anything, I just… I thought maybe, I thought…”

“What? That you could confuse the fuck out of me even more?”

“No… that you could make her better.”

Don’t fucking look at me like that Tara! No way! I can’t make her better. I tell her, tell her to stop.

“Back up there…” I hold up my hand, shush her. Lean in close and give her the same intensity that B makes me feel. “…do you know what she said to me? At the Bronze the other night, what she said that made me hightail it so soon… made me all sorts of fucked up?”

She shakes her head, is staring at me waiting for me to tell her. It hurts to form the words. To say it out loud again. “She said I was nothing to her, that she didn’t hate me anymore… didn’t feel anything anymore. She can’t be bothered…” She looks pretty confused. Her head still turning side to side. “…so tell me Tara, tell me what the fuck you think she’s feeling too!?”

I didn’t mean to shout it, didn’t mean to let the volume increase. But damn it! She’s shrunk herself back from me, makes me feel like a shit. “Hey… I’m sorry, I just…”

“It’s ok Faith, the tension… I get it.”

“Yeah… try living with it.”

She takes a moment, speaks her thoughts. “Remember though Faith, Buffy says some really dumb things sometimes, maybe this is that. Maybe you should see it as a positive… if she isn’t hating that’s a bonus.”

Doesn’t feel like one, it feels like nothing.

I think my shoulders convey my feelings, she starts pep squadding me, building me up. Probably for a fall. “She can say what she wants Faith, but we saw it. Me AND Will… when she’s with you… it’s, it’s like she’s alive again… like she’s feeling again. Whatever she said to you… it’s not true. You’re the first thing she’s felt in months.”

Uh. What?

“Huh?”

“You heard me Faith. I’m not saying it’s what you want, it just is… she feels something too.”

I don’t wanna, but I do. I smile a fucking hundred watt smile, ear to ear, face aglow. It only lasts a second, but still… for that second it felt fucking sublime. I KNEW she still felt me. I KNEW IT!!

Didn’t put me in any better position I know, but it felt good. To hear it. It felt the best.

I was tempted to jump up and hug her, to wrap my arms around her and crush her to me slayer style. I didn’t though. Her eyes are detracting from what I’m feeling and it halts me, stops me fast in my tracks. “What Tara… why the doom and gloom?”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“You what?” Was that the quickest turn around ever? “Hey, it’s no big… I’m just pleased she isn’t zombie-ing out on me, feeling anything is better then nothing…”

“Maybe… just don’t forget, she’s… not quite, she’s doing some things…”

“Oh god, stop with the cryptic already! Tell me or don’t… but not the cryptic.” I shake my head at her. “Look, whatever B’s doing doesn’t matter… she starts looking after the kid and sorting her shit out, it’s not my business what she does.”

“I know, I’m just worried.”

“Well stop, we all do dumb shit, me more then most… whatever it is, I’m sure it won’t last. Ok?”

She doesn’t look so sure but she agrees anyway. “Yeah, maybe she just needs time.”

Our heart to heart is cut short by the return of Cordy and her brand new clone! Oh wow… B is gonna freak like fuck. Dawn has her hair cut sharp to the shoulders, make up… and my god! A girl that tall does not need heels!

“Guys, what do you think?”

Cordy directs her in a little spin, encourages her to really show off. I say the only thing I can, I can’t lie.

“Fucking beautiful Dawn, absolutely stunning.” And she is. Once you get past the shock it’s like a whole new person. With confidence. She’s basking in it and it’s fucking fantastic. I wanna kiss Cordy, I wanna kiss Dawn. Hell… I pretty much wanna kiss everyone.

“Err… Dawnie?”

She stops spinning and instead slowly turns, drops her head and finds the floor, waits for the recriminations. “Sweetie… you know Buffy is going to go mad, you’ve maybe pushed the boat out a little far…” Her voce has a smile, it makes Dawn look up again. “…but you look beautiful, like Faith said, absolutely stunning.”

Oh god. They’re arms and legs and hugs and kisses before I can move. I don’t know who’s lips were on mine but they were and the arms and the hugging and the no air…

“Guys, hey… GUYS!”

I break them apart, breathe deep. They stand there looking stupid, even Cordy grinning like someone who isn’t all about the image. “So I for one vote to not be there when Buffy sees… who’s with me?”

And ya know Dawn raises her hand first! “I vote Tara tells her, I wanna hang with Cordy more anyway.”

“Nah-uh. You done the crime, you take the time.”

“Spoilsport.” She sticks out her tongue and I laugh right along with her. She’s a fucking giant in those shoes. Buffy’s gonna get a stiff neck if she shouts up at her too long.

We finish another round of coffees before we head out. Tara and Dawn to face the ogre that is Buffy. Me and Cordy to go shoot some pool. I’ve got patrol later. My own bright idea. I told the gang I would do the late ones, let B get home to be with the kid. It suits me. I need to work some shit out and I guess there’s no better way then with the killing of dead things.

Round and around in circles. That’s me tonight. Head thrown in every direction except the one that will take it to any kind of destination. I’ve considered everything. Words said to me, words said about me, words I’ve said myself. I still don’t know though. Don’t have a clue what the fuck she is feeling.

Still not a hundred percent sure that she is even feeling anything.

I hear a snap to my right and immediately I’m the slayer. Gone all thoughts of Buffy, here all thoughts of the now. Me the hunter, it the prey. I don’t sneak and peek, I stand up tall, let the fucker know that I’m coming to get it.

He drops in front of me from god knows where, game face in place, snarling fangs and deadhead breath. I don’t know what’s worse? The smell or the visuals. I reach into my pocket and snag some mints, throw them at the thing and watch amused as he lifts he head to catch them. Dumbass.

I take the opportunity to spin in a kick, to slide my foot through his stomach, double him over, make him prone. My stake is in my hand without thinking, arming me with the power to make it go away, thrusting upwards and forwards, catching the mints through a cloud of blowing dust. Too easy. Not enough distraction.

It’s all too easy. I make my way through another cemetery, then another, nothing followed by nothing, followed by thoughts rushing, memories flooding. She’s all around me here. Every slay, everyday that we were together is in these cemeteries, half smiles and full smiles, threats and promises. It all starts here.

Without even realising it I’m closing in on Spike’s crypt, feet following feet to take me ever closer. I stop a way off. Just looking. Not sure why. Can’t think why. But it’s right that I’m here, I know it is.

I know that there’s distraction here. Know that there’s something so fucking nasty here, that I could feel good for a week if I just had the balls to go wipe it out. I don’t though. This isn’t my town, not my call. I can’t go busting the wildlife just cos I’m not a fan. I almost wish the chip would malfunction… give me a reason, something to kill for.

I stand for a while wondering what’s got me so contemplative, so antsy. So itchy. It’s just another dead thing, nothing different. Just another vamp. I sigh out my sadness and turn to leave. Walk away from something that I don’t understand. Just another slayer urge, right? The feeling of where the danger is.

I head out round the back of the cemetery, frighten a stupid couple that wanna make out on a gravestone. Sick fucks. If it wasn’t the wrong thing to do I might have left them there to learn a lesson. But no. I’m good now. It’s all the action left. The night’s a wipe out, nothing of any interest.

A noise up ahead gets my spirits rising again though. The solid tread of feet on the ground, definitely something wandering through the graveyard. That means business for me, deadness for them.

“Come out come out wherever you are..?”

Yeah I’m gonna play it. Maybe I’ll get lucky, maybe it’ll be Spike. I can say it was an accident, we were playing catch the stake… and he caught it. In the chest. Or not.

I don’t get a reply, which doesn’t faze me, I don’t really come here looking for conversation. I concentrate everything I am on my surroundings, try and get a position on the prowler. I creep through the bushes to my left, something making me be stealthy when normally I’d not care. I move back into the open and they’re on me in a second. I swing my arm, I connect, I’m free. I look down and wonder what the fuck?

“B..?”

“For gods sake Faith, what the hell are you doing?”

She’s picking herself up, feeling at her jaw. Dusting down pants. I just stare. I don’t get it.

“Why are you here? I thought…”

“Oh… work stuff, I was working late.”

The wheels are turning, stomachs churning. Something ain’t right. The deal was I slayed the off days. She slays the late days. Makes sense, doing a sweep on the way home. Tonight I’m slaying so as she can be home with the kid. I get up close, give a sniff of the air. Maybe habit, but I do it anyways, sniff out the bullshit. She does smell bad… like the place where she works. Dead meat. I’m not gonna call her on it… but still…

“You were working late?”

“That’s what I said.”

She’s turning round to walk away, to dismiss me with her back. I won’t let her. I haven’t got a reason to, it’s not like she hates me or nothing. I find a step alongside her. Pester her for more. “So… was it scheduled or did they get you in to cover someone else?”

She just looks at me. No answers. Keeps walking. “Maybe you forgot to tell anyone… maybe you thought I needed the extra slayage?”

The sounds of silence.

It’s bugging the shit out of me, she can’t not acknowledge me, she has to say something. If she doesn’t then I know I’ll be pushing her to notice me. “Maybe you were just hanging out in the cemetery looking for a bit of…”

“SHUT UP!!”

Whoa! Guess I hit a nerve. Makes me smile. “What’s up B… feeling a little tetchy, come to work out some of that tension in the graveyard? Wanna feel that nasty little feeling..?”

I’ve moved so I’m walking in front of her, backwards so I can face her, so I can see what she’s thinking, guess if she’s feeling. Whatever it is in her eyes is as scary as fuck, all rage and hate and venom. She moves to the side to go round me, I move to block her… I need to know. I need to know if she’s feeling it too.

“Get out of my way Faith.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Move!”

I don’t answer, I just shake my head. Look her straight in those haunted eyes. Something’s telling me to be brave, telling me not to move. That I have to stand here, that I’m meant to stand here.

“I swear if you don’t move Faith I’m gonna…”

“What? MAKE me move?” I take my time looking her up and down, there’s so much fury there I’d be surprised if she could manage to punch straight. “I think we both know that that’s not gonna happen.”

She went to throw a punch, telegraphed it a mile off… I catch her wrist, let it drop between us. “I don’t wanna fight you B, I won’t fight you.” And I won’t. I’ve pushed her enough, seen that the fire still rages bright in there… now I want to let it breathe, I don’t wanna smother it. Give her a reason to stop.

Shame she isn’t on the same page. I see her fist flying again, pushed it away again. “Stop it!”

She gives up the punches and goes for a push, I let her make contact, let her feel how much she’s lacking. I barely move, stand firm, raise my hands and push her to the ground. Not hard, I don’t wanna hurt her… just hard enough so as I’m not forced to hurt her.

She stays on the floor, laying on her side, brings her knees up into that foetal position, it reminds me of when Dawn was laying broken on the bed. Makes me approach her slowly. Softly.

“Hey? B..? You want a hand up?”

“Just leave me alone Faith, please? Just leave me alone.”

Not a chance. Call me a sucker, call me anything. But there’s no way I’d ever leave her here. I’d never leave her anywhere. Not like this. “Not gonna happen, come on..? I’ll take you home?”

I walk round until I’m in front of her, hold out my hand and offer her an up. I smile when I feel the warmth of her hand in mine, the acceptance of my help. I pull her up gently, really fucking gently. If I hadn’t have held it all in I would’ve pulled her straight to me.

There’s a little bit of grass or shit in her hair and I reach out to dislodge it, her eyes are locking into mine and I swear I think she’s gonna cry. I freeze in midair as she sucks in a lungful, her demeanour straightening. Her own hand goes from mine and reaches up herself, pulls at the twig and lets it drop to the floor. Both our eyes follow it down and then both of them rise on each other.

“You ok B?”

I see as her eyelids slide shut, as her bottom lip is taken between her teeth. It’s just for a second. A second to compose. “Yeah… peachy. Thanks.”

I don’t know what to do now. Didn’t really plan on this. She’s standing there waiting for me to take direction so I do. I turn and start to walk her way, slow a pace as I feel her start to follow. Her tread falls into step and we walk side by side. It’s the same as before, the rush and the lightness. But there’s weariness too. For both of us. I don’t know all of her reasons, all of her cryptic hang ups that no one except Tara must know about… but I do know that we’re still in step. Just me and her, no one else, walking the same walk.

I try and speak a bit as we move along, it’s hard though. I don’t know what to say and her answers are short and to the point. Before I know it we’re pulling up outside the house, coming to a stop. Not just me, her as well… as if she’s finding comfort here too.

Her eyes are on me and waiting, almost pleading with me to say something, maybe so she doesn’t have to go in, doesn’t have to get back to life. But it’s not that easy. This IS life. All of it. No escape. And no surrender.

I ask her about Dawn, make it relevant. “So when’s the counsellor gig then?”

She looks a bit startled. Reminding herself of Dawn?

“Oh… Thursday, straight after school.” I can see something going over her face. “My birthday.”

“Your birthday?” She nods her head to the yes.

“Maybe it’ll work out really well then, right?” I try to sound hopeful. “Me and birthdays Faith..?” And in this instant she looks like old Buffy, the same teasing features, self-effacing grin. “…We don’t mix so well. In fact I said no to the birthday… thought about rescheduling… wondered if I shouldn’t maybe be saving myself for the re-birthday thing instead…” She’s all mock sigh and fuck if I don’t wanna kiss her. I just laugh instead. Sick humour maybe, but it’s Buffy humour. I’ve so fucking missed it. After all, it has been years. Her words carry on all sing song and light. “…I told Wills no big parade but she wants a party, says we NEED a party… but I know what’s gonna happen. It’s all gonna go disaster, another Buffy birthday!”

I step back and admire. She comes round, draws breath, looks at me strangely. “What?”

“Nothing B, just nice to see some animation.” I wink to soften and I think it does the trick. She leans against the post on one side of the porch and me against the other. It’s the nicest stand off we’ve had in a while.

“Do you know what really gets me Faith?”

I shake my head, cos really? I haven’t a clue.

“I died, and I can live with that… kind of, or I’m starting to, but what’s with the not missing a birthday..? You’d think I’d get some kind of benefit.”

I look to see if she’s joking, and sure enough there is a little hint of mischief lining her eyes. “That why ya got such a flea up your ass B? Pissed about the getting old?”

“Well I did think I’d skipped it for a while there. But now that I’m back here with the getting old..?” She sighs just a little, the tiniest clue that this goes deeper then a joke, deeper then a stand off, she’s telling me things. In her own little way she’s telling me things. “Back here with the getting old hurts. It all kinda hurts.”

“You know you’re gonna make it though, right?” She looks at me intensely, I feel it. “You have your family and friends B, you know they all love you, they’re all rooting for you… you have everything you need here. Everything to make it better.”

She doesn’t frown and pull sorrowful faces, she keeps looking at me. Her mouth eventually opening… a whisper slipping out. “I think so Faith. I think maybe now I do.”

I wanted to jump and shout and holler. I felt like I’d just ripped past that first little layer of steel. Progress made. I didn’t know what to say… if I shouldn’t just shut up. The door opening made it less of an issue.

“Buffy..? You’re way late… you ok?”

“Hey Wills, yeah. Had some stuff to do… sorry. Here now though!”

Her jovial tone stops further enquiry, Red smiling cos B is smiling. I file it though, for later. Something scratching somewhere. Something to consider. The witch turns to me and speaks a hello. Her happiness easy to spot.

“Hey Faith, nice to see you, sorry I didn’t make it earlier… major study rush, Tara says it was great though… and Dawnie…” She looks at B, looks at me. I guess Buffy hasn’t seen it yet. “…she looks great, beautiful.” She’s nodding frantically to accentuate her words.

“Dawn looks great why? What happened to her?”

“Uh… nothing B, really… she just uh…”

“Faith?”

Nope, not answering. Stepping slowly backwards. She turns to Red. “Wills..? What’s going on?”

“Um… nothing Buffy, just uh… Dawn went to the salon with Cordy and… err.”

“Oh god, what’s she done to her?”

“Hey nothing B, just a little trim, maybe a manicure… it looks great. I promise.” I hold my hand on my heart, she looks, raises her eyebrows at me.

“Hmmm, I hope you’re telling the truth, could be painful otherwise.”

She turns to go inside, Red holding the door open, shooting me glares for missing the fun to come. She stops and turns again, looks mighty thoughtful for a moment. “What I said Faith..?”

“Which bit?”

“About my birthdays always going a little wrong, with the bad stuff?”

“Oh… yeah?”

“Well feel free to come by!” She laughs I guess at my look. “Really… Dawn will be happy and well… having another slayer around might be helpful if things go all… not good.”

“Aw B, I’m touched.” And really I kinda was. “Can I bring Cordy?” I wiggle the brows, she’s gotta know it’ll be all sorts of fun.

“Why not? Maybe she’ll scare the monsters away.” She does a little wiggle of her own. Turns and walks in. I stand and look at Willow. Her eyes finding mine, smiling all over.

She mouths her words, they’re easy to catch. “What did you do Faith?”

I don’t know. She just started smiling. I didn’t do anything. I shrug my shoulders and show her a blank look. Raise my hand to say bye.

“See you Wednesday.”

I turn and walk away. Still light in step. Still smiling. I can’t help but laugh as I hear the telling scream. “Jesus Christ! Dawn!” I guess either Dawn’s just gone from green energy, to girl, to saviour of the world… or Buffy just caught the new look. Yeah. I laugh as I walk away, everything’s cool. Everything’s nice.

Chapter 10

POV Faith

Thursday already right? Like it couldn’t wait to get here. Days zooming by in a daze of waiting. Minutes fast, hours faster. Drink, sleep, eat. Follow a routine, don’t think too much, don’t feel too much. Smile at jokes, nod agreements. And now here. And now what?

The second guessing is killing me. I tell myself that she’ll be lifeless and cold. She’ll be the shell that she keeps on show, nothing home, nothing here. But then I dismiss that. Lose myself in possibilities, sparks which flew the other night, life in eyes, Buffy with a smile. I said I didn’t want it, but I do have hope. Hope for her. Hope for me. Probably madness for both of us.

That girl on the porch is the girl I can relate to. The girl I fell in love with. The girl who tickles me with her jokes, touches me with her vulnerability. And I want to know her secrets.

I want to know what’s so damn bad that she has to keep it hidden. What makes her walk through a graveyard with nothing but hate in her eyes. It was scary the depth of it, plain on show, plain to see. Hard to get past.

I did though. I waited and I bided my time. Like somehow I knew that I had to stand in front of her. Be the barrier for her to crash into. Something that wouldn’t break. Yeah I caught all that venom in her gaze, the rage and the pain, mostly the hate. But I knew it wasn’t for me. I just knew it.

It’s why I couldn’t fight her. I saw behind the hate, saw through it. Like Tara said, it’s easy when you look. And I saw that all that hating isn’t for me. That hate is all for herself. I know it. Been there and done it, remember?

I’ve stood before someone that had every reason to hate me and asked for them to beat me. Goaded them with fists into hitting me back. Making it hurt. Making it go away. Yeah. I recognised B’s plea. What she wanted. The way she wanted me to make it stop.

Old Faith might have given it to her. Me..? Not a chance.

I watched her break and then I went to her. Offered her my help. I hope the warmth of her hand in mine was acceptance of that. Belief that I CAN help her.

Not so sure if you ask me how. It’s all just a feeling. And like I told you; it kinda feels like my destiny.

It’s been days now though, and maybe destiny changes? Maybe time to think has filled her head with the truth of all I ever did to her. Reminded her that my kind of helping was never so good. Not really helpful at all.

So much I want her to see the truth of the now. The truth about me. And yet I’m so damn scared to show her. To reveal everything I am for her, to put it all on the line only to be crushed. To have mistaken one thing for something else. Misinterpretations.

Her hand in mine nothing more then a lift up to standing. An invite to her birthday nothing more then another slayer around if things go… not good.

But surely even that means she trusts me a bit? Believes in me a little?

I just wish that I knew her secrets. All of them.

I go to say it out loud. Something in the air calling at me to say it out loud. To give voice to my wishes.

“I just wish that…”

“You would hurry the hell up!”

“Huh?”

“Seriously Faith, talking to self in mirror is not a good advert for sane…” She looks me up and down, her eyebrows shoot high and I know what’s coming. “…and when did you morph back into a slut bomb?”

“Is that your way of telling me I look nice, Cor?”

“No. It’s my way of telling you that you’re not leaving the house like that!”

Oh come on? It’s not all bad. So I’m still having a little trouble updating my look around B. It works and I might need it. I said I want to know her secrets, I also said I may not be ready for her to know me. And leather does feel good. It’s comforting. Skin on skin.

“No one tells me when I can or can’t leave a house, and I do look good…” She shakes her head. I raise my eyes. “…you know you’re just jealous.”

“Of what? Your all over slut appeal? Not likely Faith… it was bad the first time round, this time it’s just ridiculous.” Oh how her comments wound me. “I know and you know that there’s a gorgeous girl under there somewhere…” She walks closer, carries an inspection. “…hiding pretty well, make ups kinda heavy… but I know she’s there. Why are we hiding her?”

“I’m not hiding, I’m… accentuating.”

“Tits and ass maybe, everything else is just lost under that!”

I slide my hands over my encased thighs, turn around and caress my ass for her. “It looks good though don’t it?”

“No, it looks like everything you used to be.”

Her voice has lost it’s humour and my manner has lost it too. She’s right, of course she is. I know she is. But still it’s almost easier. To hide.

“Hey come on… I get why you’re doing this Faith.” She must have caught my mood, cos now she tries to make it better. “But you don’t need to do this. Why give her what she expects huh? Lets show the girl the truth… knock her socks off with some of that natural beauty?”

She’s got her makeover face on again and I’m kinda glad that all the salons are shut. I like my hair. A lot.

“How about a compromise… you can lessen the makeup and I keep the leather?”

“Twirl.”

“What?”

“I wanna check the leather over again, see if it works.”

I go slow, ain’t no checking of leather… she’s checking on my ass. I get that. I turn back to facing her, give her the shit eating grin, eyes of promise. “You enjoy that Cor?”

“Nice ass, tops gotta go. Too much cleavage, lessens the eyes.”

Ha! Nice ass, I knew it. Not getting the cleavage thing though. “What’s wrong with my cleavage?”

She laughs a little. “Nothing wrong with, Faith, even I can see the appeal… but it’s too much, we want her talking to you, not your goodies!”

“As if!”

“Trust me, anyone would be looking… you got it girl, you know that.” I nod my agreement, I spose I kinda do. Got it. “Now lose the top, find some more material, then get your ass to the bathroom… I’m gonna make a creation.”

I watch her walk out. Rummage through my bag and do as she says. I trust her creations, I never look better then when Cordy does her thang. I just hope it’s the right thing to do. Hope that it’s not too soon to be showing myself to her. I’m not so sure that I want her looking into my eyes. All my secrets are there. Always have been.

We drive around the block a few times. I’m nervous. She’s nervous. It’s almost amusing. Buffy’s house just keeps drifting by. She told me to say when I’m ready to stop. My mouth’s kinda dry though, not too sure about speaking. I have a bottle of Jack here for the party and it’s almost tempting to break the seal now. Drink up some courage.

I turn my head as we slide by again. “We got enough gas for this Cor?”

“There’s a garage down the way, we can always stop for more…”

“Right. Wanna go home?”

“LA?”

I nod my head. “It’s appealing right now…”

I know why she’s nervous. Xander. Hasn’t seen him yet and tonight is the night. I told her that he’s cool, that Anya’s kinda… cool, given her as much reassurance as I can that everything will be cool… but still she’s all fidgety and absent minded. My assurances must do as much for her as hers do for me. Not too much.

I know the whole deal, I was here for it, all the pain the boy put her through. I know the rest as well though. The dress. The love. I get why she’s nervous.

Times change and things move on, but nothing ever really changes love. I know that.

Xander has Anya, Cordy has Angel… no matter what she insists… and now I just hope that somewhere in amongst all of that they can find a niche for themselves. A place where they can smile at each other and it’s all alright.

We pull into B’s road again, slide by the same houses, foot getting heavier on gas the closer we get. I take a deep breath, tap her on the leg. “Hey… I vote for stopping. I think we’ve managed fashionably late.”

“Already… but it’s only been what? Sixteen passes?”

“I counted seventeen…”

“Exactly! How do we know if it’s safe to stop yet? I want to check the neighbourhood one more time… ok?”

“Pull over Cor…” She looks a little exasperated but she does guide the car into a stop at the kerb. Right outside. Lights all shining. I wanna start driving again.

I turn my head to tell her. Agree that seventeen is not enough to know that we’re safe to get out. But I see him. In the shadows, lurking, moving, prowling. I wanna hunt him. I get the feeling again. Something so fucking nasty.

“What’s that dead fucker doing here?”

“You what?”

I point out Spike, she strains her eyes, eventually sees. “Spike? Oh god… he looks just the same, I have to tell him to change the hair… it’s so, outdated?”

“It’s not fashion tips he needs Cor…” I unbuckle the seatbelt and open the door, I want a little word, want to know what’s going on. “…I got everything he needs right here.” I open my jacket, show her the stake inside. No I’m not gonna use it, it’s wrong to kill defenceless evil things. Or something. But I do want the talk.

He steps out from the shadows as I approach him, deep sardonic grin lining those evil features. “Evening slayer, come to play pass the parcel?”

“Name’s Faith, you wanna call me slayer I’m gonna be inclined to act like one.”

I hated the fucking way he called B that, no way he was using it on me.

“No offence meant love…”

“Plenty taken.” I step up to him, let my power encase me, show him with my eyes how much he offends me. “Now why the fuck are you here?”

He holds up his hand and for the first time I notice the flowers, a sweet little bunch, all pretty and tied. “Come to see a girl about a birthday.”

Oh come on? Surely this thing wasn’t invited as well?

“Buffy invited ‘you’ to her birthday bash..? You’re kidding me?”

In that second I saw. He weren’t invited no where. He fixed the smile back onto those dead lips. “I don’t need an invite, I’m always welcome.”

I let him walk around me, let him think that I was that easy to dismiss. In his dreams. I couldn’t help the way that he made me feel, like my skin was on fire just being near him, burning in hell. All my instincts screaming that he shouldn’t be here. Should never be here.

It’s wrong to kill defenceless evil things. It’s not wrong to hit them. To remind them of what’s waiting for them. He jumped straight back up, showed me game face, invited me to play. Not pass the parcel, pass the pain.

“You want some..?”

I had to ask. Had to be sure he was pushing me there.

I watched him back down, saw him slide that same fucked up smile across lips that to me would never look human. Regretted asking.

“Not tonight slayer…” His eyes slid over me, the worst kind of feeling. I knew what he was thinking, saw what he was wanting… almost like he was touching me, it made me feel sick, made me spit my disgust down onto the sidewalk.

I could hear Cordy approaching before she arrived. Saw the smile that she found, heard the words that she chose. “Come on Faith, I’ve told you before about playing with the animals.” Her arm locked into mine and I let her pull me away, ignored the stare affixed to my back. One day. One day I’m gonna give that defucker what he needs.

I know that he’s following us onto the porch, know that he still thinks his coming in. Not gonna happen. No way I’m going in if he’s going in. I let Cordy knock the door and stand to await my fate. Party guest or home early. Buffy’s choice.

When she gets to the door it’s a smile that she’s wearing, one for me and one for Cordy. Then it freezes, I see it turn into something else. Watch her mouth open to speak. “Spike… what are you doing here?”

Good question. We’re on the same page at last.

He holds those damn flowers up as if they mean anything. What’s he think? That he’s come by to date her? I stifle my laughter to hear what he says. “I brought you these for your birthday Buffy, Dawn mentioned a gathering..?”

“Right…” She looks like she doesn’t know what to do, whether to take the flowers or not. I help her out.

“Nice thought Spikey… thing about B though? Terrible hay fever…” I give her a wink, a flash of a smile. “…ain’t that right girlfriend?”

I saw her own stifled laugh, watched her turn it into a sneeze. “Uh-huh… terrible.” Her eyes fell into mine and it was like watching her grow a pair. Some old fashioned slayer strength shining through. When she spoke again I forgot all thoughts of going home early. “Spike, it’s a gathering for friends… please leave?”

I wouldn’t have said please.

“Slayer…”

“I said leave.”

I heard the growl in the back of his throat, sensed Buffy stiffen. Added my own two cents. “Better do as the girl says, I don’t wanna hurt ya.”

I squared my shoulders for effect, dared him to disobey me. His tail slid between his legs and he sloped off the porch. Couldn’t leave without saying bye though. Trying for a final word.

“I’ll be waiting for you slayer…”

Was that a threat? I let Cordy bring Buffy’s eyes back from haunted, let her make her smile another hello, a passage through the door. I wanna hang back for a minute. Make sure his gone.

“Faith… you coming in?”

“Just a minute.” I watch them go. Keep a smile. Once they’re gone I lose it.

If I pause for a minute, stay still and hold my breath… I can sense it. It’s been in me before and I know what darkness feels like. What evil feels like. It’s everywhere here. Raising the goosebumps across my skin. Whispers on the wind. Calling to me. Warning me.

Makes me shiver. Makes me turn back towards the house. The lights are on and I want to go home. I tap on the door, wait just seconds for it to open. She’s there again, and now it’s all smiles.

“You coming in now?”

“Seems like a good idea.”

She steps back, holds the door open. “You sure?”

Am I? I don’t know. I shrug my shoulders. What the hell right? Nothing to lose. I breathe in deep as I pass her by, smell Buffy instead of dead meat. Makes me smile.

“Happy birthday B.”

She gives me the best look in return, all comical and unsure. “I’m hoping so… nights young though, plenty of time for death and destruction…”

I laugh along with her. Watch her hand slide to the door and push it closed.

A little house party..? What could ever go wrong?

The woman stepped out from the shadows of the house. She had watched everything occurring around her, seen the pain. She thrived upon it. It’s what gave her the power.

The girl who had sought her services hadn’t asked for anything huge. No bloodshed or massacre. Halfrek was still excited though, to see what would happen… how spoken desires would shape the lives of those inside.

She raised up her arms and spoke her words into the night.

“Wish granted.”

It was done.

“You look really nice.”

“Huh?”

The dark haired slayer turned around to face the voice, smiled at a girl who also had a brand new look of her own. “You’re looking pretty fine there too girly, B come to terms with the difference yet?”

“I’m not allowed to wear the heels around her, gives her sore neck.”

“Not your fault she’s a midget.”

“That’s what I said!”

Cordy looked on, watched them laughing. She had modelled both of them tonight. Dawn’s new style to give her confidence and Faith’s so that she could finally stop hiding. Stop pretending to be the thing which she wasn’t.

She had watched Buffy run her eyes over her, had seen the quizzical look and knitting of brow, had heard her whisper words of compliment, seen the smile as it had encompassed Faith’s face.

She’d never really thought about the possibility of them being anything other then enemies before. Knew the depth of Faith’s feelings in words, but had never had the opportunity to observe them with that knowledge. To uncover the secret of what might lay between them. In the beginning she had been too wrapped up in her own life to care about theirs. Ramifications smashing her world wide apart, no time to stop and look at everything else around her.

Now though… now she had the time. Made the time. The gift of visions had also borne with it a gift of pain. The ability to feel it, to understand it. To want to stop it. Underneath the coy looks, the hidden smiles, the tentative touches, there was so much pain. The room was awash with it. So many cries going unheard.

She watched them as they drifted through the crowd of friends, stopping to make talk with different people, focus remaining anywhere but on each other. It was there though, you only had to look and you could see.

Buffy’s eyes searched the hardest, always moving round, not resting until they came to rest on her. And the little sharp pause, the intake of breath every single time that Faith’s eyes rose to meet her. Sometimes they looked away quick, sometimes they allowed themselves to linger. Yes. Cordy had decided that there was definitely something there. All she had to do now was to work out what to do with that knowledge.

It was tempting to fake a vision, to fall to the floor screaming false agony, grab her head as she looked meaningfully at the two slayers. She could envision her words… the gasps of surprise… ‘You two… you’re meant to be together…’

It made her giggle quietly to herself. It was kind of tempting.

“Hey, what’s with the funnies?”

The voice startled her, she’d been lost in the making of plans, amusement to be had. Now though she looked up, looked into eyes that she hadn’t seen in a while, eyes that she didn’t realise until that second that she had been missing.

“Xander… good to see you.”

“What’s the punch line?”

“I can’t be pleased to see an old friend now?”

He wanted to believe it, that they were friends… but this was Cordelia, let down your guard for a second and she would blast you away. “Are we using the term ‘friends’ loosely?”

Her mouth opened, she went to speak, held herself back. She didn’t want this to be the same old nonsense, her using words to make him less, him using jokes to gain back self confidence. For a moment she put her own defences aside, offered him an honesty, a truth of feeling. “Look Xander, things change… I’m not that same person anymore that left here, can’t you just accept that I’m pleased to see you?”

He waited near on a minute for her face to change, for the look of friendship to go from her eyes. For a cutting comment to slice him in two. It didn’t come though, all that came was the awkwardness of the silence that he had made. He swallowed the pride he had thought she would wound and sat himself down next to her. Offered the smile to go with his words.

“It’s good to see you too, kinda strange… unexpected. But good. Really good.”

“I didn’t expect to be back either, Sunnydale’s not high on my list of places to visit, but Faith needed me… it seemed like the right time.”

“Things are pretty messed up here… I guess you know all that?”

She nodded her confirmation. “Yeah, the LA hotline has been abuzz with the heavy stuff. It’s reassuring to know the place never changes.”

“I sometimes wish it hadn’t.” She looked at him oddly, those old days were never fun. But he had his reasons. Looked to share them. “I know things were hard back then… high school, girls… you. Things now though..? All sorts of crazy.” He sat back and threw his eyes quickly round the room. “Willow messed up bad… and with the Buffster, you know… and then Dawn, it’s all a little much. Makes it hard to stay strong.”

“You do though. You always did.”

“Thanks Cordy.” Sometimes it was like his efforts to do what he could went unnoticed… hearing someone recognise it, speak it, it made him feel good. Valued.

“So what about you and LA? You like it?”

“It has it’s advantages… same amount of freaky stuff, bit like home from home…”

“Faith told me about the visions… sounds kinda cool.”

She laughed at the simplicity of his statement, had never thought of it as ‘cool’ before. “It has it’s moments… made me a queen for a while, headaches are bad. It’s tough having a higher calling… makes me get the slayer deal a bit better.”

“Hot chicks with super powers, you’ve joined the mighty ranks!”

“Are you calling me hot, Xander Harris?”

He could feel his cheeks start to colour, nerves creeping in. “Uh… I might have said that…”

She offered him a smile, a soft one. Not one which spoke of how much she knew that she was all that, one which said thank you. That she appreciated it. “You’re wearing pretty well your self… you look all man sized…”

“Xander..? What’s all man sized?”

“Anya!…” He hadn’t seen her approach, didn’t know what she had heard. “…tissues! We were talking about the superiority of man sized tissues… for sneezing…”

“Save it.” The former demon turned her attention to the girl. She remembered her vaguely, heard how she had broken Xander’s heart. It made her not so keen. Also kind of jealous to see them sitting together. She loved Xander… this Cordelia woman could just go home. Xander was hers. All hers. She held out her hand, showed off her ring. “You do know that Xander’s engaged now right? You missed your chance, no good coming back now looking for second chances… I warned Faith that he was mine, now I’m warning you… back off.”

Cordelia couldn’t help but laugh. Yes she was extremely happy to see him again, but there was only one place that her heart lay nowadays. One man for her. “I’ve been warned, I’ll uh… just back off.” She cast an amused glance down at Xander as she rose to leave him, wanted to wish him luck. He’d certainly need to be strong if this was who he was marrying.

She made her way to the kitchen, hunted out Faith, found her with Willow. More old ‘friends’, the place was practically full of them. She stood for a moment and listened to them speaking, talk of demons and disasters, how they hadn’t managed to get a hold on what it was that was causing all the mishaps. Faith had told her about the elusive threat of the nerds, how they thought that maybe some occult following kids were getting into pranking… didn’t realise how much damage their pranks could cause. They hadn’t been able to find them though, not really sure what they were looking for.

“Hey, I thought this was a kick ass party you dragged me too Faith, no shop talk…”

“Oh, hey Cor… you not finding the fun?”

“Just been warned off Xander, there’s my fun plan gone for the night!”

The three girls laughed at the shared joke, Willow offering condolences. “Sorry about that, she gets a little over-sensitive where Xander’s concerned, she warns me every few weeks and I’ve been all about the lady love for ages now.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

She gave Cordy her mischievous grin, eyes shining. “Perfect, good times galore!” There wasn’t a day ever when she regretted switching teams. She didn’t know if it was all girls, it was definitely her girl though. Tara had changed her world, in more ways then one. Given her belief in herself, given her love.

Things were starting to get back on track, one pretty heavy make-out session causing her to be wearing a pretty little scarf tonight. Yep. Miss Mclay had shown Willow just how much she had been missing her, still needed her. It filled her with smiles, made her want to wish for time to speed forward to the point where everything was better. The time when Tara would feel ready to come back. To move home.

“What about you Cordy?”

“And girly love..? Not a chance!” She cocked her brow at Faith. “Not for lack of trying from slay girl over there… but no, I’m still a guys gal.”

Willow cast her eyes to Faith, girly love? Since when? “Um… Faith? You and the girly stuff?”

“Oh come on Red, you gotta have known… I thought you types had those radar things, tell me I wasn’t blipping it.”

“No blipping.”

“Damn… I was sure I had that whole butch thing down pat. You sure not an inkling?”

Faith let her eyes travel over Willow in that deeply sensuous way that she managed so easily, let them speak of all the things she could do to Willow, for Willow. Let her tongue poke out so slightly, drawing her in, drawing soft circles around soft lips… pointed her gaze. Bedroom eyes.

“Ok, ok… I’m blipping! Quit already!”

They laughed again, easy laughter. “I thought maybe with Buffy you might have wanted to, but I figured it was one off… I thought you were a guys gal too?”

“I’m MY girl Red, I go where the urges take me…”

“Don’t listen to her Willow, she doesn’t go anywhere, girls a nun… you’d think in LA she’d hit the party scene, but nope… all I get is two for one on brooders, find the fun my ass.”

“Offer me your ass again Cor and you know I’ll be finding the fun.” She gestured with her eyebrows, never one to miss an opening.

“All talk, really.” Cordy made her way to Willow’s side, surprised at how easy it was, how soon they’d put aside childish dislikes. “Ask her when the last time was? She’s probably forgotten…”

“No fair, you can’t talk… we’re both of the lacking, it’s why I keep offering.”

“No Faith, you keep offering cos I’m hot, I keep refusing cos I’m not yet desperate!”

They hadn’t noticed the little blonde birthday girl wandering into the room, her ears perking up to listen to their words. Now they noticed her though. When she spoke. “I’m getting desperate.”

“Huh… Buffy?” Willow’s face showed shock, she was getting desperate for what?

“You want Cordy’s ass too B?” The younger slayer shook her head slowly, nothing but teasing. “Get in line girlfriend, I got first dibs on this piece.”

“I feel like a commodity.”

Buffy laughed at all of them, had heard their words. Heard reference to herself. Couldn’t let herself think of a meaning for it. Refused. It was too hard.

“I meant desperate to open gifts, a girl can only wait so long…”

“Wow Buffy, I thought you meant desperate for you know… the sex stuff, gifts is good though, not as good as the sex… but still good.”

They all made to move, the front room waiting for the presents to begin. Faith held herself back for a moment. Gifts. She knew she had forgotten something. Wondered if Buffy would take the sex stuff as an alternative… grinned to herself as she accepted the no.

It took ages to get through the unwrapping, every present given the time to be appreciated. Buffy was trying so hard, for her friends, for Dawn. Trying to replace the emotions she wasn’t feeling with words of gratitude. Thanks for all the things. Nothing that made a difference. And then everyone had been and then it was Faith’s turn.

She felt as the eyes went to her, couldn’t believe that she hadn’t thought to bring anything. She hadn’t been to too many birthday parties, sure, but even a moron could figure out that ya needed to bring a gift. She cast her mind quick, let a beautiful smile settle on her lips as she thought of an alternative.

She stood up and walked over to the coats, reached inside the pocket and pulled out her stake. It was hand crafted by herself, her favourite, a little piece of wood with a whole lot of attitude. She turned back to Buffy holding it in her hand, gave a little wiggle of the brows. “I made this for ya B, thought it might come in handy.”

Buffy looked kind of unimpressed though, as if she had seen a thousand stakes before, probably more. She wondered at what to do to make it better, made a plan. She took the ever present knife from the lining of the jacket, tossed the stake up and caught it. “Come on girl, I’ll even engrave it for ya…”

She made quick work of the task, just an ‘F’ and a ‘X’… nothing too heavy, too meaningful. She flipped the blade back down. Tossed the stake across the room and smiled as Buffy caught it. She watched her raise her eyebrows, roll her eyes heavenwards. “Thank you… I think.”

She placed the stake down on the table next to the sofa. Looked at all the faces looking at her, looking for direction in what to do now. She forced cheery into her voice. “Well lets put the music back on… I thought this was a party!”

Her friends found the volume button. Found the space on the floor to bust some moves. Her eyes went to all of them. To one in particular. It hit her again, the force of her. The feel of her. It made her wait on a moment, when no one was looking. A moment to escape. To run and to hide

Chapter 11

POV Faith

Sitting here holed up in a closet. I swear I’ve finally fucking gone mad. Like really mad, not with the evil, just with the insanity. It’s like being a kid again. Acting out, playing up… then when the attention finally came I’d shit myself. Terrified. Run up to my room and shut myself away in the closet. Oh the fucking memories. Just like living the past.

I didn’t mean to play up tonight though. Really. I just got stupid. Listened to the voices in my head.

We had slammed the music back on after the gifts, a bit too loud, trying to drown out the worries, quieten down all the heartache. I thought it was working, thought the smiles were real, the laughter true. Everyone moving, dancing for fun. It wasn’t true though, and maybe true happiness IS just a myth?

I’d been stopping my gaze from straying too much, from searching her out at every opportunity. And God knows I wanted to. Just wanted to rest my eyes there and never let them stray, no reason to ever move from the thing that can hold them captivated. I fought to keep them busy, to meet the gaze of the ones I was speaking to, half the time forgetting to listen so hard was the task… and when I did falter, when my eyes flicked up as if they were being called? Then I caught her looking too. Straight back at me.

A seconds recognition before she tore them away, hurried them to different places, hidden from view. Other times longer. Less recognition, more just the truth. Like she accepted that my eyes were the right place to look, that maybe there were answers there… and then she would realise that she was doing it, I’d see it come over her… little embarrassed smile, but still slower to pull her gaze away.

I wonder what I could do to make her keep on looking, to never make her feel like she had to take her eyes away from me.

When we were dancing I just assumed that she was there, not at my side where I would want her to be, but with the others, with her friends. I couldn’t search, was throwing myself into my task, matching Cordy move for move… impressing on the witches just how damn fine us LA girls are. Dancing becoming my only real focus. And then I couldn’t find her.

A quick sweep over a small crowd, and no, she wasn’t there. I excused myself from them, strode into the kitchen, out to the yard… not a sign. Headed for the bathroom, no one there. It pretty much left only one place she could be, the one place I shouldn’t go. The one room I’d never be getting an invite to. Her bedroom.

I was gonna ask one of the others, one of the witches maybe… just go up and check, go see that she’s ok. That she doesn’t need anything. But I was listening to the voices, the ones which told me not to worry the others, to just go sneak a peek myself, a little soft knock on a door… what harm could it do? Fucking genius.

My gut was churning all the time it was pulling me there, the stairs so hard to climb, the passage so hard to walk. I made it though. Stood before the door as if that alone could grant me entry. My hand wavering just the tiniest bit as I sought to bang a knock.

Tap, tap, tap. Sounded like my heart.

“Yeah?”

“B… you ok?”

“Faith?”

The surprise in her voice was pretty plain to hear, I guess she was as shocked as I was to find myself standing at her bedroom door. I figured on speaking. The silence was doing nothing for the nerves. “Uh-huh… I just wondered…”

“You can open the door.”

I could? That didn’t do much for the nerves either. I turned the handle slowly, didn’t wanna break a moment. Didn’t know why I was in one.

She was sat up on her bed, her knees drawn up under her again, chin resting, eyes red stained from crying. It stopped the tapping of my heart, it made my heart freeze. I hated seeing her like this, hurting like this. It made me speak so softly, so quietly. “Hey come on… what’s up? What’s wrong?”

My legs had carried me to her side, my knees bending to sit me down next to her. My arms were itching to find her, to envelope her in something other then the pain, but I couldn’t. Way too much, way too soon.

She turned her eyes to me, sank them into mine. Such a powerful fucking moment. I swear she was looking at me like she hadn’t looked at me in years, just me and her, before shit, without shit. I melted. I opened my eyes wide for her… showed her everything. Like I used to. Hoped that this time it would be enough. That it wouldn’t be too soon.

I was holding her before I knew it, my body shaking with the force of her sobs, my heart breaking from the force of what she was showing me. How could anything hurt this much? I struggled to find words, to make my voice work, to stop it from faltering. “Let it out B… it’ll be okay… come on, it’s all gonna be okay.” And so damn much I prayed that I wasn’t lying, wasn’t telling her anything except the truth.

She didn’t believe me, I know she didn’t. I felt as she tensed in my arms, her chest hitching as she fought to stop the tears and catch her breath. I held her tighter, begged her not to pull away from me. To end this already. I just wanted to be there for her. To catch her if she fell.

She didn’t move. She stayed rigid, but she didn’t move. Her words drifting up to me, harsh from the tears. “You don’t know Faith, you don’t know that it’s gonna be ok, you don’t even know if it can be okay. You don’t know anything.”

She wasn’t incriminating me with the words, just telling it how she saw it. What she believed the truth to be. I wanted to disagree. I had to… what was the point otherwise?

“I do know, B. It has to, it might not seem like it… like everything’s gone to shit, but it will. It does. You just gotta believe in it.”

I sounded like an absolute idiot. Just believe in it B? How inspiring.

“I can’t believe in it. I want to… but you don’t know.” She ripped herself up from the bed then, tore herself from my arms, left me stunned. Just watching her pace. All those shutters were smashing back down over her face, the hate back in the eyes. Her words came heavy, cutting with the weight. “You don’t understand Faith, you haven’t got a damn clue, a moments idea of what the hell all this is…” She threw her arms around, encompassing everything. “…it’s all crap! My whole world is crap.”

She came to rest against the wall. Her shoulders sagging after her outburst. I rose slowly, wondered at going to her again, wondered if she was done. Her voice stopped me in my tracks. It was so fucking painful, hearing her speak… not knowing what she meant. Not knowing how to stop it. “If you knew Faith… if you understood… you wouldn’t come near me, none of you would come near me.”

I didn’t believe her. “Nothing’s that bad Buffy. Nothing could ever be that bad.” I spoke for myself, there wasn’t anything that would turn me from her, make me stop feeling for her. Look at everything I have done… things I enjoyed doing. Things which I knew were fucked up and wrong, evil and bad… but still I did them. Still I chose to do them.

“You don’t know.”

“Tell me.”

She was shaking her head before her eyes met mine. Back and forth. Denying me, denying her. Silent tears were starting to fall, not wracking her body this time, not making her shake… just falling. Slipping out as if that’s all they knew how to do. Just had to get out.

I asked her again. Begged her again. “Tell me, B.”

“I can’t.”

I wanted to scream out in frustration! How the fuck could I make it better if she wouldn’t fucking tell me?

I walked my way into her space, stood right in front of her, appealed with everything I was. Naked eyes asking for naked truth. “Tell me.” I whispered it, hoped it would slip past defences.

Her eyes were pleading with me to stop, her head still shaking. It scared the shit out of me to think what it could be. I hadn’t a fucking clue… but she was falling apart. Whatever it was, it was ripping her to pieces.

I found her with my arms again. I didn’t know what else to do, how to stop it, how to fix it. I let my hand wander up to head, let fingers stroke back hair, held her against my shoulder. “It’s ok… it doesn’t matter, just shush… you don’t have to tell me…”

I could wait. I would wait. I didn’t want to push her. To break her.

I stayed there until I realised where I was. In Buffy’s room, holding her in my arms. I almost jumped back. Just stopped myself. Untangled limbs slowly. Her face was awash with the tracks from her tears and I wanted to taste them. To reach out my tongue and kiss the pain from her face. It made me step back, made me give myself distance.

I felt so fucking vulnerable, she looked so fucking vulnerable. It wasn’t the time to make grand gestures with my tongue. And so what if the voices kept saying it? Kept urging me to test out the softness of her lips, to slide my hand behind her neck and tease them closer to me? I couldn’t. Not now.

I thought about words to soften the moment. To take away the undeniable feeling of wanting her. Wanting to hold her again. Hold her more. “Are you okay?”

I know it wasn’t great, but I had nothing. I just wanted her.

I could see so many things crossing her eyes, her face, and not one of them made sense to me. I thought I saw longing and desire and need. A need like I had for her. It confused me again, made me walk the step back to her.

There was so much shit swirling in that room right then, at that moment. Too much emotion, too much confusion. I should’ve just left, not stepped back to her. Not let the roughness of my fingertips trace a path up to her face, not allowed the quiet gasp she gave to sink through all my levels… not let so little mean so much.

I could feel my own tears wanting to fall. For her, for me, for us. So many tears. So many years of hurting. I just wanted one answer. One answer to a question. My only question.

I waited until her eyes were in line with me, no makeup to cower behind, no one to stop me from opening my mouth, just me and her. Feeling it fizzing through me, touching every part of me, burning, scorching. I looked at her honestly, only asked for it back. “Do you feel it B? This…” I let my hand trail from the patterns it was making on her face, down between us, touching neither but the current. The charge. “…tell me you feel it?”

She had to. It was holding me prisoner before her… she had to feel it. Feel something.

Her gaze was begging me to believe yes, but her body was going rigid… her head starting to shake, her eyes sliding shut, clenched shut. “I… Faith, it’s not that easy…”

“Buffy, I’m not asking you for anything… I just need to know that you feel it…”

I was praying for her to stop, to just fucking let it be. Accept it. She opened her eyes again and stared at me. Looked into me, through me. She gave a tired sigh, nodded her head so slightly, whispered her words, barely speaking them. “Ok… I feel it… I feel you…”

It was all that mattered. My forehead found hers and she did let it be. Just for a moment, just that feeling. Every hope, every dream held in that single instant. I still could have walked away then. Made it out ok. But I didn’t. I looked for more. The tip of my nose grazing softly against hers, moving my head down, opening my lips so slightly… pressing against her mouth, sighing into her. My hand reaching up to slide behind her neck the way the voices had said it would be… holding her to me.

I could feel her yielding, feel her tasting my lips like I was tasting hers. Soft sighs in reply to my own. My one second when the whole of my fucked up life was perfect. Complete.

I knew what was coming. Could feel her tighten, her body stiffening for retreat. Her lips pulled away and her head again was shaking, confirming what couldn’t be. What she wouldn’t let be. “I can’t… I can’t do this Faith, please… I just can’t do this.”

It was like a slap to the face. Worse. It hurt more then a knife to the gut. I knew she felt me, I knew she felt this… why the fuck couldn’t she just allow it. Give over to it?

I pushed my self back from her, paced the floor I had watched her pacing. I was so sick of it. She was still there by the wall, still looking broken… still looking worn. I had enough. So much of enough. I knew I could help, knew I could make her feel better… knew I could make her feel… but she wouldn’t let me. Was rejecting me again. Pushing me away again.

“This is bullshit B… fucking bullshit!” Yes it was harsh, but damn it, I felt it! I didn’t know where the fuck I stood here, never had, maybe never would. “You can’t… fuck it! You can’t let me kiss you like that and then push me away… damn it B, it doesn’t work like that. It can’t work like that!”

I wanted to crush myself against her. To slam my body so hard against hers that the whole fucking house shook, I wanted her to feel me alright, all fucking over. Inside, outside. Such a powerful feeling.

She was crying again. Tears again. It softened my desire, drove me crazy with too much to feel. “B… just stop it. Just stop it, ok?…” I watched her slide down the wall, watched her arms go round her head to keep it all in, to keep me out. “…this will never get better if you won’t let anybody in… you have to let people in.”

She wouldn’t raise her head again. Wouldn’t look at me. Acknowledge me. I was sick of it. Sick of all of it. “I can’t do this B, I can’t help you unless you want help…”

Oh then the head rose. Eyes boring into me. “You think you can cure me with kisses Faith? You think you can kiss it all better… you haven’t a clue… not a clue…”

“Well tell me then!”

“I can’t!”

“You won’t!”

I stood looking down on her, watched the defiance come across her face, the same old me and B story. Every step closer seems to drive us further apart. “Just go Faith… please, just go.”

To right I was going. This place was so fucked up, it was her birthday for Christ sake, she had a house full of friends and all she could do was sit up in her room crying her eyes out. Bemoaning a life that she wasn’t even living. “I’ll go, I stay any longer I might give ya a reason for the tears B…” I swept my hand through my hair, sighed a fucking eternal sigh. “…you have to try and make things better, no one can do it for you… no one can get in unless you let them in.”

It was my last try. My last attempt to throw her a lifeline. To stop her from sinking.

“I… I can’t Faith. I just can’t.”

Fuck off!!!

I looked at her with some kind of disgust. She just wouldn’t try and I couldn’t respect that. I turned from her, showed her my back. I was only human too, and the girl was ripping ME to pieces. I couldn’t let her, I had too much to lose.

I pulled the door shut hard, maybe slammed it, stomped down the stairs with thunder on my face. Cordy was still embroiled with the witches, Dawn showing them some kind of Britney Spears move, all flashy with her fancy hair and clothes. It didn’t calm me. I wanted out. I needed out.

“Cordy, we’re going.”

My voice was gruff and harsh, caused them all to look at me questioningly. Fuck that. They wanted answers they could go ask B. I didn’t have a clue.

“Going? Going where?”

“Come on…” I put my arm on hers to pull her away, she gave in, her eyes trying to work out what had happened. “…guys I’m sorry, but I gotta split… I’ll catch ya later.”

Tara stood shaking her head, sadness plain on show. That girl just sees everything, wouldn’t surprise me if she guessed what had just gone down upstairs. Red looked kinda spooked, like she wanted to find Buffy and now, wanted to check that I hadn’t gone all rage girl on her. Dawn just looked upset. I felt for her, but I needed out.

I waved across the room at the others, dragged Cordy to the door. Went to open the door.

Tried again.

Cordy tried to open the door.

I tried to get close enough to rip the fucker from it’s hinges.

Nothing was working. It was like we just couldn’t do it. Couldn’t get close to it. Feet freezing. Body tensing. But nothing. No movement. It was fucked up.

“Cordy..?”

“I don’t know.”

The others had come to our side. All of them attempting to do what we couldn’t. No one could. We were stuck there… all of us, and none of us knew why.

“I should get Buffy, she’d want to know this was happening.”

I looked at Red, wanted to scream that no, getting B was a bad idea. I didn’t wanna see her again. I had just made my leaving speech. Fuck, I’d just kissed her and then made my leaving speech. I couldn’t see her now. Wouldn’t see her now.

So I’m in the closet.

Surrounded by junk, by the voices in my head. They know I’m in here, it’s pretty fucking obvious that I‘m in here, but I don’t care. I need a little space, a little time alone. I don’t need to be trapped in a house with Buffy.

It’s getting really late now, the darkness screaming at me. Slayer urges. To hunt, to kill. To feel. It’s making me antsy, making me tense. Making me think I’ll be staying in the closet till morning at least. It’s safer that way. Easier. For everyone.

Chapter 12

Warren paced relentlessly back and forth in front of the trembling Demon, he was waiting to hear what had been wished for, if it was the thing that he had wanted, the thing that would make all of his plans sail along a lot more smoothly, make everything easier.

“Well..? Tell me! What did she wish for?”

“I told you already, a girls wishes are a secret.” Halfrek stood before him wondering what the hell was going on in the world that she was stood before this mere human boy even considering answering his questions. The natural order of things had been corrupted… something was coming, of that she was sure. But what it was? How powerful it was? She was only just realising. “I did your bidding, that was the deal…”

“No! You do not tell me what the deal is…” He stood before her, perfectly still, let the power resonate through him, all over him, in the stand of his feet, the set of his shoulders, the evil of his eyes. “…you do as I say!”

The demon fought to keep her own shoulders straight, to keep her own eyes level. Yes she knew what this was… the place the power was coming from. It was all around him, the taste of pure undiluted evil, and it scared her. Made her remember just how fragile immortality could actually be. “You don’t know what you’re messing with… the power…” Her voice dropped low, her head shaking. “…stupid boy.”

“You had better not forget what ‘you’re’ messing with!” He was sick of her non compliance, her lack of respect. He walked into her space, brought the back of his hand crashing against the side of her face. “Now tell me what she wished for!”

Halfrek’s words were not spoken loud enough to be heard, the shock of being struck by this mortal keeping her voice from working. Warren stalked up to her again. Drew his hand back again.

“Okay… she wished that people would stop leaving her.”

“What?”

“That they would stop leaving…”

“Andrew!”

The blonde boy skulked slowly out of the shadows, this wasn’t so enjoyable anymore. What had started out as a fun times quest to rule the world had actually turned into a really REALLY evil plan to destroy the world. He wasn’t so keen on the new idea. Preferred the old one. The one where everything usually went wrong so they sat around playing D&D instead. The new one meant people would die. Lots and lots of people.

“Yes Warren?”

“Seems we have a problem… a little bit of misinformation…”

“Uh… what’s the problem?” He could feel himself starting to shake, he hated it. Used to be he’d shake with anticipation when Warren fixed him with his gaze, now it just made him want to run. Hide. Possibly cry.

“What did you say Dawn would wish for?”

“I said…” He tried to remember. But that was ages ago, over a week ago… it wasn’t like Warren normally listened to him. “…I’m not sure. What did I say?”

“You said she wished her sister had stayed dead.”

“Oh…” He kinda remembered that, it was a throwaway comment though, not one that ever meant anything. Dawn didn’t confide in him, he had to say something. It seemed like something she might have maybe wished for. “…didn’t she wish for that?”

“No you imbecile!” Warren turned from them and paced the room… he was so sick of the constraints on him. He could feel his master ready to burst forth, ready to reclaim a place so long ago lost. Could feel the power slipping around him, guiding him… it had been what had led him to the vengeance gig in the first place… a chance to spread some wishes. But still he had to wait, was virtually powerless against those that would seek to stop him.

He wanted Willow. To get Willow he wanted Tara. And to get Tara he wanted at least one of the slayers dead. Possibly everyone. Tonight was supposed to have been the start of that. The start of his plan.

He turned back to Halfrek, regarded her with cold eyes. “What’s the upshot of the wish? What’s going to happen?”

“Not very much. No one can leave the house. Ever.”

“No one? Ever?”

“No.”

He started to pace again, let the feelings flow through him, the possibilities laying themselves before his mind as he wandered back and forth. “What about in..? Can we get something in?”

“That’s not a problem… but nothing goes out again unless the wish is broken.”

He called Johnathan to him, ordered that he get his charms and candles ready. There was a spell that he wanted performed, a beast he wanted conjured… something he could see through, that he could control from here. He would still have his chance to kill the slayer, maybe to get his hands upon the lesser of the witches as well.

He waited impatiently as Johnathan bumbled around setting up the things. Soon he wouldn’t need anyone else, until then he had to bite his tongue, had to stop his foot from crashing down upon the annoying bug of a boy before him. “Are we ready yet?”

“Nearly uh Wa… uh… master?”

“Master? I like that, good one Johnathan!” His attention once again went to Halfrek. Sneering at the defiance that still dared to sit upon her face. “Thank you for your services demon… perhaps when the time comes I might let you live.”

“I’m going to just love wreaking vengeance on you…” But her words were halted by the face of malevolence she was being shown. Warren bearing down on her, his eyes pouring with the blackness that only the truest evil can produce. Yes it terrified her. Made her try and sink back into the shadows. Her posture finding the form of subservience, her voice dying in her throat.

If this happened, if this boy succeeded in all that he wished for..? There would be no hope. No hope for anyone.

POV Tara

What a mess. Really. I’d secretly hoped that tonight would go well, that Buffy’s birthday wouldn’t live up to the billing and we would just have a regular little get together of friends, a fun time. An easy time.

It started so well, on the surface everybody laughing and smiling, even Buffy herself managing to join in with everyone. But then it changed. Just after the gifts. We all got up to dance, to loosen tired limbs to the rhythm of music, all of us except Buffy. I watched her watching us, held my breath as I silently prayed that she would raise and join us… followed her with my eyes as she climbed the stairs to her room. I wondered at going after her, at trying again to reach her with words of comfort, offers of everything being okay. But I didn’t… instead I watched Faith as she also realised that Buffy was missing, saw her search the rooms, saw her stand at the bottom of the stairs as if she barely dared to climb them. In my mind I urged her on, I still believe that she has the ability to reach her… to make her want to feel something more then the hurt. More then the pain.

My hope raised with each tread on the stairs, every minute she was up there, every second that she didn’t come back down. I told myself she had reached her… was up there now holding her close as she finally let those walls of despair come tumbling down. But I was wrong.

I knew that as soon as Faith came back. Her face a picture of anger, her eyes shining confusion. I wanted to ask… to know what had happened, but I didn’t get to ask. I stood back as she took hold of Cordy, bade farewell. Approached the door. Tried to leave. And that’s when it all went crazy. Sunnydale style crazy.

I mean really..? Trapped in a house with no apparent way out? It’s not normal… I’m pretty sure it’s a long way from normal.

On top of that, Faith is now hiding in the closet.

And I don’t think that’s very normal either.

It makes me wonder if Buffy told her… about Spike. If that’s what caused her face of thunder and quick retreat. Feeling how she feels about Buffy, and knowing about Spike..? That would surely be enough to send her a little bit crazy. Even I know that. And I don’t know her all that well.

I pondered it as I waited for Willow to come back down from Buffy’s room. Everybody sat in some kind of silent shell shock trying to figure out what the heck was happening and why.

I was thinking magic. A spell would definitely have the power to keep us all locked up here, to keep the slayers locked up. Maybe that’s what this is? Evil’s attempt to clear the path for badness. To keep us out of the way? Anya thinks so too. She knows the power of magic. Understands the things that can be done.

When Willow returned she brought a tired looking Buffy with her. Eyes obviously red from crying, shoulders obviously sagging with burden. I almost forget how she used to look, the sound of her happiness, the easiness of her smile.

I patted the seat next to mine, offered her a place to rest.

“More birthday fun and frolics then guys.” Her voice didn’t hold humour. “I’m thinking the whole resurrection thing is looking a worse deal by the minute… anybody else think they were better off before hand?”

The silence wasn’t affirming, it was just uncomfortable. It wasn’t better before, without her… it hasn’t been better since she went. I was going to break the discomfort, say something to distract everyone from where their thoughts were wandering… but I didn’t have to. Our newest guest was raising her hand and accepting Buffy’s comments.

“I think maybe you’re right Buffy, the stint in heaven hasn’t helped with the self pitying… perhaps everyone was better off?”

“Cordy…”

“No Xander…” She held up her hand to stop him. “…I was gonna try and be nice, all accepting of the same old crap… but really, where does that get me? I can’t believe you all still pander to her like this…”

“Hey! We don’t pander!”

Willow spoke up, but a little of me did agree. If we didn’t all keep bending over backwards to let her be so morose, maybe she would snap out of it? Nothing else was working. Anya was the next to offer opinion.

“You do so all pander, I agree with her.”

“An honey? We don’t pander… Buffy’s our friend, remember how we talked about friends? About helping them out?”

I just sat back and watched it unravel. Kept my eye on Dawn, on the closet.

“Don’t go sanctimonious on me Xander Harris! I know what friends are. I have friends… but this…” She vaguely waved her hand in Buffy’s direction. “…this is just ridiculous. If she were a dog we’d put her out of her misery!”

“Nice to know you care Anya, really. Are you this nice to all your friends?”

“I’m doing you a service! You want to be dead… I’m agreeing you should have the option… isn’t that democratic? The American way?”

Willow spoke up again, obvious what side she was on. “God, don’t you ever just shut up?” She turned to Xander. “Can’t you make her shut up?”

“Why should she? She makes sense.” Cordy was leaning forwards now, losing herself to the argument.

“Do you think we could stop discussing my life for a minute? Get back to the problem at hand?”

“Technically? We were discussing your death, seems to me that IS the problem at hand…”

“Cordy!”

“No Willow… I understand ok, yes it’s hard, boo hoo Buffy… but this isn’t just about Buffy, and maybe it’s time SHE got that.” She turned her eyes then and faced down the slayer, looked every bit as strong as her, every bit as willing to fight her corner. “I think this is all pathetic, this deep depression at being alive… this dragging down every other sucker that dares to want to help you!”

“You don’t know anything!”

“I know you’re not worth the effort, I know this self pitying crap that you churn out at every opportunity is so passed it’s sell by date I can’t believe you still do it…”

Buffy rose then, stalked straight up to Cordelia, fists clenching at her sides. It made the others raise, made Xander step to her side, Willow in front of her.

“Oh look, the whole gang…”

“Cordy stop.”

“No, I won’t. All of you know it’s true…”

It brought more of the silence. Buffy standing there fuming, her friends just standing there confused. It’s hard for them. So much they want to protect her, to make it better. But maybe shielding her all the time isn’t making her better, is making her worse.

This time I did break the awkwardness of silence. Tried to apply some soothing balm to the harsh words. “Why doesn’t everyone calm down… I’ll put the kettle on, we’ll have some tea and then we’ll get to researching the little prisoner problem…”

“What about Faith?”

“I can take her tea too…”

Cordy’s eyes were still working hard at boring into Buffy. “Why should you? Maybe if Buffy got off of her high horse and apologised for whatever she did to drive her in there in the first place, then she could take tea like the rest of us…”

“You expect ME to apologise to HER?” Yes. A great way to get Buffy’s attention. Maybe not the best choice of phrase from Cordy. “I have nothing to apologise for…”

“Just start with the fact that you’re a bitch, after that you can improvise…”

“Stop it! Both of you!” Dawn’s voice was louder then all of ours. “Why can’t it ever just be nice? Why do you always have to fight?” She cast her gaze over everyone. “Haven’t we had enough fighting… enough bad stuff? Can’t we just stop?”

Buffy’s shoulders lost the defiance of a second earlier and slumped back into position. She went to her sister, was the one to find her first with her arms. Her lips resting softly against her forehead. “I’m sorry Dawnie… I mean it. We’re just a little stressed. I’m sorry.”

“Uh… us too Dawn, we didn’t mean to get with the loud voices and hysterical screaming… it’s the house thing, we’re just stressing, ok?”

“And me, I shouldn’t have said anything… I’m only just here, what do I know?”

They all offered words of apology, Dawn just looked and nodded. Maybe a little happy to be the one to stop the madness. I did get up to make tea, trusted that a minute away from them would be okay, no more ructions would start.

When I returned it was sombrely silent. All the energy drained from the room. I placed down the tray, offered around refreshments. Shouted at the door of the closet, didn’t get an answer.

We all sat and talked, tried hard to work out what was happening, sporadically tried to prise open a door that none of us could get near. We couldn’t try magic of our own, no supplies for spell making… no magic elements left in the house to tempt Willow with. We were stuck. Totally. Utterly. Stuck.

The hours ticked by, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. Eyes starting to get heavy, limbs getting numb from the continual sitting. It was Buffy that eventually called time. Perhaps Dawn’s drooling on her shoulder letting her know it was past the hour for sleeping. Not all of us have that slayer stamina after all.

It was strange heading up the stairs with Willow again, heading to our bedroom again. Also strange that Xander and Anya were following us. It wasn’t a situation I’d ever dreamt about happening.

Cordy was going to stay in with Dawn, and Buffy would stay in her room. Faith I guessed would be staying in the closet. I had attempted to draw her out again but she just wouldn’t answer and the door wouldn’t budge. Maybe she needed the space. Maybe Buffy really did tell her about the Spike thing.

I stayed awake until the others were sleeping, my mind tripping over everything that was happening, all the bad stuff, and all the good stuff. The fact that Willow was sleeping just centimetres away from me… her lips curling into a smile even while she was resting. I kissed her softly on those lips. I’ve missed being able to kiss her when even she doesn’t know I do it. The kisses that are just for me. Just because I need them.

I crept up softly from the bed, managed not to tread on Xander, slipped softly from the room. I peeped in on Dawn, saw her with Cordy’s arms protectively around her. Both of them sleeping. I peeped in on Buffy’s room… saw the emptiness. The lack of body in bed, of sheets being twisted. I guessed she couldn’t sleep either. Went to find her.

I should’ve known where she would be, what would be keeping her from taking any rest. She was just stood against the wall staring at the door to the closet. Not too close, not far away. Just there. And staring. “Buffy..?” I whispered my greeting, it felt right to whisper. “You okay?”

“Huh? What… oh yeah. I’m good…” She took her eyes away from the door and placed them on me. They didn’t look so red anymore, so puffed out with tears, but they did still look so tired. Worn out. “…I couldn’t sleep, been down here trying to figure a way out.”

Of the closet?

She walked her way to the kitchen, poured some water into a glass. “What do you think it is Tara? What’s come to piss on my parade this year?”

“I’m sure it’s not you… it’s probably a spell of some sort… something gone wrong. Maybe it’s the pranksters again?”

“Could be. Remind me when we get out… IF we get out, I need to find these guys with the pranks… it’s getting a bit much now. It was cute at first, now it’s just annoying.”

I nodded as she drained her glass. She had a valid point. Someone was going to get hurt if we didn’t get a hold on whatever was performing the pranks. It was obvious that they knew some basics of magic… but other then that we didn’t have much to go on. Not a clue.

“Do you think Faith will ever come out?” I had to ask. She kept throwing her gaze that way, it was obvious where her focus was.

“Come out?”

“Of the closet?”

She looked to be considering, her head leaning to the side. “You think that’s a good idea? Cos I’ve been thinking about it… and really, maybe we can keep her in there?”

“Buffy…”

“No Tara, think about it… if she stays there, no more arguing… no more fighting, no more screaming…”

“No more feeling?”

Her eyes flew to mine. Confusion. Maybe a slight flash of anger. “What? Feeling..? Has she said something to you… about me?”

As if she ever needed to. It’s there for everyone to see. Anyone who cared to look. “No Buffy, well… not really. It’s just… I see, with you two…”

“See what with us two? There isn’t an ‘us two’… there’s never been an ‘us two’…”

I tried to calm her, her voice was starting to raise a little, starting to make her point with some volume. “I know that, I meant… I meant the…” I tried to think of the right word. Charge didn’t cover it. Tension didn’t come close. It was just a thing. An indescribable thing. I knew that she knew what I meant. I had seen it. “…the connection! Between the two of you, it’s so strong, so intense… you can’t tell me you don’t feel it, even now, you have to feel it.” She looked up, met my eyes again. “Even ‘I’ feel it Buffy.”

She stifled a harsh laugh. “Everyone wants to know if I feel it right? Like that makes a difference..?”

“So you do feel it?”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. Threw her hands up in the air. “Ok, I feel it! Should I prepare myself for the kissing?”

Kissing? Why would I with the kissing?

I looked at her again, her eyes drawn back to the door to the closet. Thought back on the night, Faith upstairs. Faith storming down. Put the two and two together, guessed at making four.

“Did you kiss her?”

I waited for the shout of denial, for proof that my math was never that good. It didn’t come. All that came was a bigger sigh. A slump into a chair. Arms again finding a place to hide her head. “I might have kissed her a little.., really though?” Her eyes peeped out from her arms, and I swear I saw a grin. She may have been hiding it well… but there was something there that made her smile. “SHE kissed me… I just took a second to stop her.”

Yeah. Right. “How many seconds?”

“Wasn’t counting.”

I went and sat next to her at the table. Wondered at the right thing to say. Anyone else and I’d be congratulating them on scoring Faith, but Buffy? Nothing’s ever that easy. “So… uh… did you…enjoy it?”

“No comment.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

She laughed a little underneath those arms of hers. Slowly lifted her head. “Until the world came crashing back..? Up till then I enjoyed it…” She lost her smile again as if she was remembering. “…that’s the thing though isn’t it Tara? The world always comes crashing back.”

I couldn’t disagree. I knew how much life could get in the way. That had happened to me and Willow, the fact that our love was already established being the only thing that helped us through. If we didn’t already have the love… would we have made it?

“What happened? When it all came crashing back?”

“She shouted, I shouted, she left.”

Normal service resumed then. I sighed a little, I still didn’t know what to say. “Did you tell her?”

Her brows knitted in confusion, “Tell her?”

“About Spike..?”

“No!… God no.” I could see all the same disgust she was aiming back at herself, her head shaking as if she could deny to herself the truth of what had been going on. “I can’t… she wouldn’t…”

“You don’t know that Buffy, maybe she would…”

“No. I can’t tell her… she doesn’t need to know…”

It was my turn to shake my head now, that was wrong. “If you’re gonna be kissing her I think she needs to know… or you need to stop…”

“I’m not kissing her again… it was a moment… a mistake.”

“Are you sure about that Buffy, even with the feelings..?” I couldn’t believe that she meant it, that she couldn’t accept it.

“I’m not sure about anything, but I do know that this is still Faith…” She stifled another laugh lacking in gaiety. “…the only feelings we ever did well with were hate, a whole lot of anger… and a pretty firm overdose of pain. I can’t go there Tara, I just can’t.”

“And Spike?”

“I know… I can’t go there either.” She looked disgusted again and I believed that she wanted to stop. “I’m trying to stay away… it’s hard. I feel so sick being with him, letting him touch me… but it’s something. It isn’t nothing.”

“Feeling Faith isn’t nothing.”

Her eyes flicked back towards the closet again. Her expression hard to read. “It isn’t nothing, I get that Tara… but maybe it’s too much. Too much all at once…”

“Would it hurt to try? To consider it, give it a chance?”

“Maybe… I think it probably would…”

Her gaze went far away, possibly to memories, times I couldn’t share. I remembered back to the Bronze, about her worries of Faith hurting someone. It made more sense now. All along she had been worried that Faith would get too close to HER. I think it terrifies her. And perhaps she’s been worried even as long as Faith has been wanting. Since the beginning. It was herself that she thought Faith could hurt the most. No one else.

It makes me think of words like love. It can be a terrifying word.

It isn’t hate. That’s the most obvious thing about the whole situation. They may have buried the truth for years under the guise of hate… but you only have to see them together to know it’s not all. It’s not anything.

I didn’t think I could offer her anymore with words. All I wanted to say was dust Spike and love Faith. I wasn’t sure she was in the right place to hear those words though. I understood the tiredness in her eyes now, her head must be such a messed up place, a jumble of everything. No sense.

I brought my hand up to her head and tried to soothe some away. She laughed a little and raised her eyebrows. “How comes you’re always the one picking up my pieces lately?”

“Everyone needs someone there Buffy, maybe this time I’m just that someone?”

“Well thank you… I know I’m not doing a great job at the moment…” I smiled my sweetest. “…okay, I’m doing a really crappy job. But I’m getting there I think… maybe just a little, a really tiny little… and you’ve helped. A lot.”

I knew she didn’t show this side often. This soft side. No hard edges. Just Buffy. It was a shame… it was a pretty special side to her. “Don’t even mention it, it’s what friends are for.”

I thought about all the times she had saved me. Physically. If I could repay her in this way then it felt good. I tried to cover the little yawn that fought to escape my lips. It had her laughing again. “Why don’t you go get some sleep? I can hold the fort down here… there’s no point in all of us not sleeping.”

It was a tempting offer to go back to bed. Back to Willow. Back to those smiling lips. “Are you sure it’s ok? I don’t mind sitting with you, if you wanted to talk more?”

“Nope, all talked out. You get back to bed, I don’t want Wills beating on me for keeping her girl up all night.”

She wiggled those cute little eyebrows and I felt assured that she was okay to leave. It did feel like she was getting a bit better. A bit more positive, and if it was only a really tiny little bit? Well that was okay too. Small steps. Better then no steps.

I rose from the table and remembered the closet. “What about Faith? She’s gonna be pretty cranky if she sleeps in there all night… do you even know the stuff we store in there?”

“Skis, uh… old stuff. Couple of weapons..?”

“Why don’t you knock? Ask her to come out.”

“Why don’t you?”

I tried already. A few times. I can imagine it’s a closet full of confusion for her, kissing Buffy will have her all shell shocked, wondering what happens next…

“I tried already Buffy, and you know, maybe it is you that should be knocking… maybe you need to sort some things out with her?”

“Lots of reasons for not knocking!”

I didn’t laugh. I wasn’t joking. I remembered the harsh words exchanged earlier. Talk of pandering to Buffy. We had been a little and it was time it stopped. She was big enough to start taking more responsibility for her own actions. The problems that she had caused.

“Just think about it Buffy. You may not want to feel, but Faith can’t help but feel. Don’t leave her sitting in the closet all night… please?”

I watched as her head shot up suddenly, her eyes widened, senses alert. I heard the crash moments later, felt the glass as it flew from the windows striking my face. I think I screamed, I heard a scream. Whatever it was, it was huge. It’s skin the colour of molten lava, it’s mouth nothing but teeth, it eyes looking like the pits of hell. It bore straight down on us, crashing things out of the way to get to what it wanted.

Buffy stood firm in front of me, her own face scratched by the glass, but nothing enough to stop her from facing this beast. The threat. She ushered me behind her… grabbed a kitchen knife from the side.

“Hey! This is my party, and I don’t think you were invited.” Her smirk sat on her face and sounded in her words. This was her arena, her battle to win. “Now are you gonna leave quietly or do I have to slice and dice you?”

It didn’t even hesitate. It swatted her aside as if she was nothing. As if she wasn’t a slayer. She flew threw the air coming to rest in the hall, I noticed just before it got to me. Just before I felt it’s fist of concrete smashing into the side of my skull.

I remember the darkness coming. Could feel the fear.

The last thing I remember though, the thing before it all went away… that was Buffy. Knocking on the door to the closet. Calling out Faith.

It gave me hope.

Chapter 13

POV Faith

One minute I was contorted in the strangest position, finding sleep amongst the junk, the next it sounded like all hell had just broken loose. I thought I was dreaming… my dreams often come with the nasty stuff, this wouldn’t be any different. But then the banging on the door brought me round.

I was alert in seconds. I was a slayer.

I could hear B calling me, a call I would always answer. It pulled me from the closet, had me pulling myself to standing, looking to see what the excitement was. And I kinda wish I hadn’t bothered. It was a big fucker. All snarling and growling, flexing it’s arms out as if it had only just gotten them. It’s head twisting from side to side.

It had me feeling fear, not much could do that. Not often. I looked at Buffy, back at the closet. “B… you wanna go get snuggly? There’s room in the closet for two…”

Well there wasn’t really room for one, but damn, that thing was big. Hiding could work.

“Appealing Faith, but no…” I saw her raise her hand, point back across the room. Saw the body laying there. “…we’ve gotta get Tara.”

My stomach dropped. I felt sick. Not Tara. I showed the fucking beast thing a growl of my own, let my primal instincts come to the fore. This creature had dared to hurt my friend? It was gonna know pain.

I launched myself at it whilst it was still doing it’s messed up stretching, figured on catching it unawares, a surprise attack. My leg connected and it felt like it broke in a thousand fucking places. Pure pain was flying through me, I was rolling back across the floor. I could see B approaching it, more warily then me… sizing it up, trying to get a sight of an opening.

I pulled myself to my knees, tested my weight on my leg as I tried to stand. Felt it buckle, tried harder. It was like knives digging in all the way up, my knee screaming at me to sit back down. To stand aside. I breathed deep, clenched down my teeth and sought to bear it. To stand at Buffy’s side.

Without direction we fell into step. Her to it’s right side, me edging towards it’s left. “Tell me something B?”

“Not a clue, just appeared… through the window.” We were circling it slowly, sick thing was the fucker looked like he was smiling. Some kind of skin, not really lips, curving upwards around all those teeth. “It went straight for Tara…”

I looked again at her laying there. Behind the beast. It felt like miles away. “You wanna distract it? I’ll get Tara?”

“How about you distract it?”

I guessed it wouldn’t make a difference. We were both in for some hurting. I spied the knife in B’s hand. It looked useful. “B? Toss me the knife?”

She armed me without thinking, the blade slicing through the air and coming to rest in my palm. I dropped down, cringed as my knee bent, tried to swing my leg around to drop the bad thing to the floor. Didn’t work.

It just kicked it’s own leg back, landed one right between my ribs, slap bang to the heart. I felt the air rush from my lungs, the tightness across my chest. I rolled onto my stomach, thought again about rising.

Buffy was trying to go round it. I knew I had to distract it some more. Buy her some time. “Hey you ugly fucker, that the best ya got?”

Don’t ya just know that it wasn’t.? It crashed towards me, it’s fist closing around my arm, dragging me up, making me scream. I felt the shoulder pop, let my weight go dead. Aimed my good leg straight at the demon’s crown jewels. It was instinct. It worked.

He dropped me down, howled some pain of his own. “Hey B… we got ourselves a boy beasty…soft in all the right places.” But she wasn’t smiling. She was sliding her arm under Tara’s head, trying to prise her up. Softly speaking words I couldn’t hear. She wasn’t looking for an attack, had lost herself in the moment. I saw it coming, saw as the thing turned from me towards them, straightened itself back out, howled something other then pain. I shouted her. A second too late.

It backhanded her across the face, sent her flying across the room.

It was just it and Tara now. It’s head to the side considering her. I wanted up again. Didn’t know if I could again. The commotion behind me stopped my thoughts, gave me new thoughts.

It was the gang… all of them. Armed and ready to go. Where they always were. I watched as they took in the scene, knew that they couldn’t be here. I couldn’t protect them.

Willow’s scream as she noticed Tara laying at the feet of the beast ripped right through me. It hurt so bad. So fucking raw. I saw her start to move. MADE myself get up.

“Back off Red, it’s too strong…”

“No!”

Her voice froze everything. The room chilling. It made me step back, made me let her pass. There was power there. I could taste it. I guess the beast could too cos it turned straight for her. Started making a real fucked up noise, like purring or something. It’s face twisting again into that grimacing smile.

I could see Willow’s eyes darkening, like a film of evil had slipped over them. “Get out! Now!”

I wanted out. I was fucking scared. Not ashamed to say it. I never would of guessed… not Red. She was raising her hand towards the demon, energy crackling at the ends of her fingers… but it wasn’t backing down. It looked as if it was savouring the moment. Soaking up whatever Willow was giving off. Feeding on it.

Dawn was behind me, knelt besides Buffy. I could hear her starting to sob, her words as they slipped past her lips. “No Willow… no…”

She was right. I had to do something. Anything. This was bad, I just knew it. In my head I was already saying sorry, apologising for the pain. It had to be done though. I hoped she’d understand.

I drew back my good arm, tightened the muscles, closed my fist. Silently prayed that she wouldn’t see it coming. I didn’t fancy my chances if she did. I connected hard. Knocked her out before she had a chance to gasp the surprise that sat on her face.

The beast’s smile had dropped. It was growling again, closing in on me. I felt someone at my side, knew without needing to look that Buffy had pulled herself back to her feet. “You ready for this B?”

“I want the closet.”

It made me laugh. Now she tells me! “I’ll make you a deal, we finish this fucker off and you can have all the closet space you want?”

“I finish this… ‘fucker’ off Faith and I want a whole lot more then closet space…”

I didn’t have time to think on it. To banter the possibilities with her. The thing was stomping still closer, both of us in it’s sights. “Your turn to distract it B… I’M gonna finish it off.”

Wishful thinking maybe, but I had to go with something. She shouted for attention, drew it’s eyes to her. Smashed her fist hard across it’s face, followed up fast with another. It had to hurt. Didn’t stop her. Again she hit it, cursing it all the time, bemoaning another birthday ruined. I took my chance. Slid in under it, took a split second to put every single ounce of power I’d ever owned into the force of my kick. Slammed my foot back into it’s groin, felt the squish, my knee buckling. I don’t know who screamed loudest. I KNOW I screamed the longest.

It fell to it’s knees, it’s clawed hands going to the area I’d so hopefully damaged. I even think the thing had tears in it’s glazed black eyes. Perfect.

I watched it gingerly get to it’s knees. Knew I wouldn’t be able to do the same. He slid his arms under Tara, lifted her up, across his shoulder. Buffy went for him. A last attempt. A pointless one. He swatted her back like a fly. Less then a fly. Turned to the door.

If it didn’t hurt so much I’d have laughed my fucking head off. The dumb fucker was trapped. Same as all of us.

Realization brought with it more howling, growling. Telegraphing more pain. It didn’t come for us though… it threw it’s head back. Let out a sound almost human. Summoning someone. Something.

And she appeared straight before us. Just like that. Kinda freaky. Her eyes fixed on the thing… awaiting direction. “Out!”

That definitely sounded human! It roared it, like it was ordering it. Made me figure that we knew the reason for being here. The chick. Maybe she was a witch. Maybe she could get us all out of here.

Whatever she was, she shrank back from the demon, her voice coming shaky. “I can’t let you take her…”

He screeched his disapproval. She shrank back further. I so wanted a piece of the action. The knife was sitting next to me on the floor. Where I dropped it before. I slid my fingers around it, prayed my aim was still good. I let the instinct flow through me, let my eyes lock on, my grasp release. It hit straight and true, score one for the slayer!

It pierced it’s chest, where I guessed a heart should be. I waited for it to fall. To die. Gasped my shock as it vanished before us. Made me wonder what it was with me and vanishing monsters? Maybe a new superpower. That would be cool.

Tara thumping to the floor wasn’t so cool.

The gang were there in seconds. Cordy tending to her, talking words to bring her round. Dawn had gone again to B. Xander and Anya fussing at Willow. It gave me a moment alone. A second to regroup. My eyes were resting on the woman. Hers on me.

I went to speak. To ask a question. Anya beat me to it. “Hallie? Is that you? What the..?”

“Anyanka? Great to see you!”

The cheerfulness was all wrong. It didn’t belong here. I heard Dawn speaking up, bemusement obvious in her voice. “My counsellor? Counsellors are evil now..? I guessed teachers but…”

“Everyone‘s evil dear, that‘s the beauty of humanity.” She smiled a little as she spoke. “And I’m not really a counsellor.”

Well that was the obvious. I finally found my voice. It sounded rough. Croaky. “What are you? Who are you?”

Anya answered for her. “An old friend of mine… from the demon days.” She cast a wary gaze at her. “But I don’t know why she’s here.” She spread her arms out in question. “Hallie? What’s going on… where’s D’hoffryn?”

“Gone Anyanka… everything’s changing. Something is coming.”

“What something?” That was Buffy. Her voice firm. Commanding.

“I can’t say…”

“Hal?” I watched the demon’s eyes go back to Anya, her head shaking.

“You know I can’t… demon code of honour…”

“Oh screw that! Demons have no honour… we both know that!”

The force of her words pushed the Hal thing back, made the truth shine in her eyes. Made Anya soften her tone. “You’re scared… aren’t you? Whatever it is… you’re scared?”

“And so should you be.”

The weight of them words sounded so heavy. Silence following them. I could feel it in the room. All around me again. The darkness. The evil.

“Not just evil.”

Huh? The demon thing had turned and was talking straight at me. Like she could read my thoughts. Feel my thoughts. She walked towards me, eyes set on me. “There’s not just evil, there’s pain. So much pain… all of you.”

She sounded almost sympathetic, but her face was smiling. It was odd. Weird.

I turned my head to Buffy. I don’t know what for, what I expected from her, I was just drawn there. Maybe it was the thought of so much pain.

The demons touch shocked me back. Lifting my head. My position on the floor meaning I had to strain my neck to meet her eyes. She started speaking again. Words at me again. “I feel ‘your’ pain… I hear your silent wishes…”

Silent wishes? She had me stumped. I wished for lots of things. Don’t think I ever got any. She carried on speaking. Voice sure and steady. “…you won’t need me to grant your wish, you will know… soon enough. You’ll know all of them.”

All of what? I turned my head from her, broke her gaze. It was freaking me out. Like I could feel her crawling around inside of me. Scratching at my secrets. All of them.

And then I remembered. My almost wish. My silent wish.

‘I just wish that I knew her secrets… all of them.’

I remembered the way that it felt like something in the room had been calling at me to speak. To put voice to it. At least now I knew what. Who. Not so sure on the why. Not so sure that the twisted smile that’s resting on her lips bodes well for the secrets that it seems I’m gonna end up knowing.

She stepped back from me. Turned to Anya. “I have to go… troubles brewing. But it has been good to see you Anyanka. Vengeance isn’t the same without you…”

She looked straight at Dawn. Uttered some words about undoing wishes. Clicked her fingers, struck a pose, and vanished. Gone the same way she came.

No one spoke for a minute. Shock I guess. I looked around, took in everyone’s appearance. “One hell of a party, huh B?”

“Best ever.”

I tried to get up. My good arm pushing against the floor, my good leg trying to hop. Didn’t work so well. I had to wait for Dawn to come help me. Lift me up a little.

They put the witches on the couches. Willow coming round first, blood flowing from her nose as soon as she sat up. Tara was slower, but then I know the force that she got hit with. It hurts. At least everyone was ok. For that moment it was all that mattered.

I found a space to let myself rest, sinking back into the sofa as if the softness could ease some of the pain. It couldn’t. Parts of my body felt like they were on fire, not the nice kind of fire. I let Cordy come fuss on me, let her hands work their magic on my cuts, the witches soothing balm helping as soon as she rubbed it to my skin. When we lifted my pant leg to get a look at my knee I wanted to cry. At least the pain made sense. It was twice the size, purple and nasty, definitely gonna be sore for a couple of days.

She finished me up and I let her move on. Tending Willow. The blackness gone from her eyes now, but resting instead on her cheek. I’d caught her good. Bruised her up. I let my voice work, offered an apology. “Red, I’m sorry bout the punch…”

Her eyes stopped me. She looked ashamed, hurt, a whole lot of things I couldn’t put my finger on. “It’s ok Faith, I…” Her gaze flicked from me across to Tara. “…I needed it.”

I saw the look that they shared. Willow’s begging to apologise herself, Tara’s just begging to understand. I understood. That thing was after Tara… whatever it was it had come for her. Wanted her. Red saw that too, understood that. Instinct took over, she was just doing what she could. And yeah I get that. I’d do the same.

I took my look from them and offered them some privacy. Searched out the others instead. Xander was already clearing up debris, salvaging the fixable, like he’s been here a thousand times already. Probably has. Dawn’s doing her best to clean up the cuts on Buffy’s face, making a hash of it. She looks shaken up, scared. I wonder what she fears the most. The beast, or the look we saw in Willow’s eyes. It’s a close call.

I gingerly pulled myself up, went to shuffle across the room to the sisters. Holding my face tense to hide the soreness I was feeling. I didn’t think I’d ever be doing another Buffy birthday bash, it was all too fucked up. All sorts of painful.

I slid down next to them, stilled Dawn’s shaking hands with my own and took the cloth from her. “Hey kiddo, you sit this one out, I’ll patch up B ok?”

“I can do it, I’ve done it before.” Said so simply. As if the most normal thing in the world is patching up your battered sister. For her I guess it is.

“I know you can do it, I’m just telling you I’ll do it this time. Now scoot.” She picked herself up and made way for me. I turned my eyes to B, smiled a little. I wanted to drag her into the closet. To crush my lips to hers with the passion I’d held back earlier, let the lust which swirled through my body, swirl over hers. I didn’t though. I dipped the fingers on the arm which wasn’t busted into the balm of the witches. Brought them softly up to her face. “This might hurt a little B.”

Her eyes locked into mine. Looked into me. “I know. It’s ok.”

I touched her gently, not wanting to hurt her more then I had to. Sliding the tips of my fingers against all of her grazes. Up to her forehead. Down to her chin. I could see where her top was ripped at the shoulder, motioned at her to move it. Show me the damage.

I hissed for her when she moved it aside, the material no longer hiding the gash which sliced across her skin. I wiped the rest of the balm on my pants, picked up the cloth instead. So slowly I dabbed at her, wiping away blood, following the line of the cut across the arch of her shoulder. I worked in silence. Not focusing on feelings. Just the practical. The bits I could deal with.

I collected more of the cream onto my hand, brought it up to her shoulder, froze as I heard her intake of breath, before I touched her, in anticipation of my touching her. Her gaze grabbed mine again, a contradiction to all of her words. It looked like she wanted me in, like she could do this.

If my other arm hadn’t sat frozen at my side, awaiting attention, then I would’ve slid it behind her head, brought her face back to mine. Pressed my biggest wish to her lips in the shape of a kiss. But it was frozen. And my other hand was covered in balm. So I didn’t offer her wishes, I carried on with my touch. Fingers fizzing as they traced this new piece of skin. Slow gentle circles. The base of her neck.

I let them rest there a minute. Job done but just a second for me. A second’s extra touch. I heard her exhale as I finally moved and it sounded like a sigh.

“All done B. Good as new.” I lightened my tone, smiled something other then want. Watched her smile back. Listened to her voice.

“What about you? Are you ok?”

Not really. A long way off. “Not bad, shoulders aching like a bitch… I need to pop it back…”

“You want me to help?” Of course I did. I couldn’t take it though. Couldn’t keep touching her right now.

“It’s ok, I got it… Cordy’s the expert these days.”

I looked across at her, still busy with the witches. Hushed voice talking to Tara, working slowly at the cuts across her face. I could wait. It was cool.

“Let me do it Faith, let me help you?” Oh that was a classic. The girl who refused my help on a near daily basis? I pushed myself up from the sofa, as quick as my knee would allow, rushed from the tone of her voice which would only make me marshmallow soft again.

“I said it’s ok. I got it.” Yeah. She wasn’t the only one who had walls.

I stumbled and tripped my way to the kitchen. Turned on the tap and blessed my skin with cool water. I ran my good arm through my hair. Wondered if it was ok to be the first one to leave. Technically I’d been the first one to want to leave earlier… it seemed right I’d be there again. Running away. On a busted knee.

I laughed a little out loud. Sounding sorry for myself.

“You ok?”

I turned to Xander. Saw his eyes taking in my busted form. “A little shitty, hurt in all the wrong places.”

“You did good… with Willow, and the thing… you did really good.”

I don’t know what it was. It was everything. But I could feel the tears wanting to come. My eyes as they starting blinking fast to hold it all back. My throat constricting, tasting the pain. “Thanks Xander, that means a lot.”

And they did come. Just little ones. Quiet ones. Again it was the good arm’s job to take care of me. Wiping at the things I didn’t want him to see.

He didn’t look uncomfortable. He looked comforting. He stepped towards me, pointed out my bad arm. “Your shoulder gone?”

“Don’t ya know it.”

He stepped closer still, lifted my arm and let me use him as a brace. Held me steady as I sought to collapse from the hurting, as I popped back into place. I grunted my displeasure, said fuck a couple of times. Flicked my eyes to him in a minute of déjà vu.

A cheap and dirty motel room. A cheap and dirty whore. I felt it again. Watched me use him again. The fun I’d gotten from popping his cork. I saw him remember too. His face colouring a little, scared like he wanted to run. I wanted to run too. Away from the truth of all the bad shit I’d done.

Instead I tried harder. Spoke louder. “I’m sorry… you do know that yeah? I’m so sorry.”

He put those big man sized arms around me in a hug. Made me flinch a little in the sore shoulder. “It’s ok Faith, it’s past.”

I rested there for just a second. Eased myself back. Used both hands to hide the evidence of the leaky eyes. I saw him smile at me. The same boyish smile. “Just say you got dust in your eyes… it’s what I do.”

It made me laugh. I could imagine that happening. “Thanks man. I owe you one.”

“No worries… can’t have the gang knowing you’re not just a bad ass can we?”

I watched him go to the fridge and snag a couple of soda’s. Caught the one he tossed to me. “Come on, we’re gonna sit and cram… Buffy mentioned the word research, I know you don’t wanna miss the fun…”

Me at a Scooby meet? That’s something I didn’t figure on happening again. “Right, uh… count me in?”

“We already did.”

I followed him back. Wiggled my eyebrows at Anya’s inquisitive gaze. I bet she was fucking scary as a wreaker of vengeance. Looking for scorn in all the wrong places. I slid back down on the sofa, awaited direction.

Everyone had theories, no one had an answer. Not a clue.

Dawn was recriminated for making wishes to strangers. I wanted to comfort her, tell her it was ok. I nearly made a wish too. I knew how easy it was to want something that bad. Her words of explanation made it easier. She didn’t want people to keep leaving her. No one could scold her for something so innocent.

I’d watched Buffy take her in arms filled with love. Letting it show. “I won’t leave you again Dawn, I promise.” Saw the kid smile at the words, a real smile. Found one of my own. It was a moment she had been waiting on. We’d all been waiting on.

It softened a little of the fear in the room. Perhaps gave us all a little hope.

Anya spoke about the demon Halfrek. Spoke her confusion at knowing D’hoffryn wasn’t the big man on campus no more. Wish demons had always answered to him. She had never heard of different.

She offered to ask around. Speak to any friends she had managed to salvage from the olden glory days. Someone had to know what we were dealing with. What was coming.

Willow didn’t say much of anything. I kept a little eye on her. Worried about her. She kept dabbing the tissue up to her nose, nothing seeming to stem the small but steady trickle of blood that still crept from there. I wondered at how much the magic took out of her. At the badness of the stuff inside of her.

We were still discussing, talking nonsense when Tara eventually stood. “Guys I’m beat. If it’s okay I’m gonna stay here again tonight?”

“Of course it’s ok, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Buffy’s voice was protective, she was worried like me. Understood also that whatever had come had come for Tara.

The witch put her hand down to Red. I think everyone held their breath, waiting to see what would happen. If she would punish her for falling back to magic. “Willow? Are you coming?”

Her eyes teared immediately, her voice quiet and unsure. “Are you sure baby?” And it sounded like a plea.

“Of course I’m sure. You need someone to watch over you… to make sure you’re ok.”

She helped her up gently. The walking wounded. I caught her look as she went to leave, offered her a smile. She offered me more. “Thank you Faith, for saving her.”

Crazy right? There was me thinking it was Tara I had saved with my fancy knife throwing… and all anyone was doing was thanking me for punching out Red. I wanted to laugh at that. It wasn’t the time. I wasn’t so used to getting this gratitude. The sentiments. I mumbled out something accepting, put the dam back in place to stop myself becoming the wuss of the century.

They were all looking at me. Centre of attention. And I could feel the cracks. Eyes stinging again. I looked to Xander, caught his smile, his little nod. “Fuck me, it’s dusty as shit in here.” I wiped at my eyes, drew in a deep breath.

“Certainly is slay girl.” He wanted to laugh. Little shit.

I watched him and Anya collecting up their things, setting off for home. To fulfil her part of the research. I hoped they could find something. I was getting a real nasty feeling about all of this. Something in my gut. A churning. An early warning system.

It left just the four of us. Not really sure where to rest our eyes. What to say.

“Buffy?” Cordy’s voice echoed in the silence. Made us all look up. “About earlier… it was harsh, take no notice of me.”

“You mean that? I can ignore you?”

“Call it a birthday present.” It was as close as they were getting to close. That was cool. I couldn’t imagine those two ever feeling the need to braid each others hair. A bit of me couldn’t wait to find out what had been said. I’d caught raised voices from the closet, not words though. Not meaning. If it had come from Cordy it was probably cutting. The girl has a blade for a tongue.

Beautiful eyes though. She rested them on me. “I’m gonna take Dawn up to bed. Give me twenty and we’ll make a move yeah?”

“Cool. Take ya time.”

I bade Dawn farewell. Assured her that yes, I’d be back soon. Watched them go up the stairs. It left just the two of us. And you know that I didn’t have the words.

She has beautiful eyes too, and she also sought to rest them on me. “So how does it feel Faith?”

Was that a loaded question or what? I showed her confused. “How does what feel?”

“Being the hero, saving the day.”

Oh. That. “Not so heroic, I clocked Red…”

“You saved her. We all know it.” She shook her head sadly, offered me some background. “It’s why she had to stop, she got a taste for the bad stuff… let it take over…”

“I know how that one goes.” I remembered it real well. She just nodded, accepted the truth.

“If she starts again… if she lets the darkness back in? I don’t know if we’ll be able to save her, to pull her back. It’s scary.”

I didn’t know what to say. If it would be okay. “What about Giles? Shouldn’t he be here?” I had thought he would be by now. Had expected him to rush back at the first sign of trouble. At least when Dawn had done what she had.

“You’d think so right? But no… apparently not.” She slumped her shoulders, winced. Lifted her hand up to the damaged one. “I’ll call him tomorrow. It’s gotta be worth a shot. We don’t have much else to go with.”

We both let the silence come back again. I knew where my thoughts were, I guessed hers were at the same. “Look B? Buffy..?” She looked. “About last night..?”

Her eyes went all panicky. I hated that I scared her. She started to babble, words tripping to fall from her mouth. “Last night? Right… it’s ok, it’s… cool? I’ve forgotten it already… it was a moment, a…”

“A mistake?” I took the words from her mouth. I wanted to be the one to say it. It was MY mistake. I shouldn’t have kissed her.

“Right. It was nothing, it didn’t mean anything.” Her words had lost their speed, their animation. So had I.

I couldn’t lose myself to this feeling right now. I would wait till I had privacy to lose myself. I forced jovial into my tone. “I guess you wanna take a rain check on the closet then huh?” I wiggled my brows at her, made her blush.

“A rain check. Right.”

I raised myself up, looked to get my knee moving a bit. It was sore as hell. I needed a drink. I watched as she got herself up too. Both of us now standing like idiots, nowhere to go. Nothing to say. I prayed for Cordy to hurry, to save me from the awkwardness of this moment. “You think she’s okay up there?” It was something to say.

“I’m sure they’re fine.”

Didn’t kick start conversation. “So… when ya working again?” From bad to worse?

“Huh? Tomorrow. Double shift. I can take the patrol if you want, on the way home? Give you time to rest up the leg?”

“What about the shoulder?”

“Nothing more then a graze, you should know that.” It was a lot more then a graze, but I knew what she meant. We didn’t get the opportunity to hurt. To get better. There was always something else to do. To worry about.

“How about I patrol with you? That way I can use my arms, you can use your legs… we’ll be an almost working model.”

It was nice to catch her smile. Her humour. “Patrolling together? Me and you?”

A wacky plan I know. “Why not B? It’s been a while.”

She looked at me strangely, giving me not a clue as to what she was thinking. “I finish at 11, if you’re there we’ll patrol together.”

I knew I would be there.

My attention was stolen by the sound of Cordy coming down the stairs. Finally. “Dawn’s pretty beat, pretty freaked too… you might wanna look in on her. I think she’d like it.”

Buffy nodded. Accepted advice. “No problem. Thanks Cordy.”

“I’ll be out in the car Faith, make it quick.”

Make what quick? She said her goodbye and left, pulled the door shut behind her. “Right, so tomorrow then. Patrol?”

“It’s a date.” My eyebrows shot up. Hers did too. I guess she spoke before thinking. She flushed a pretty colour, cheeks flaming red.

“Cool it B, I won’t be bringing flowers, don’t worry.” I offered a little wink. Released the tension. I opened the door up again. A little of me wanting to stand there and do it a few times over. I Never knew that opening doors could hold such fascination as it did right then.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then. Thanks for coming.”

“It was a blast… thanks for the invite.”

I didn’t add the ‘please don’t EVER invite me to one of your damned cursed birthdays EVER again’. I didn’t think it would sound too grateful.

I dragged my aching carcass off of the porch and made my way to the car. Slipped in besides Cordy, implored her to take me home. I didn’t look back as we were leaving, I didn’t wanna see if she was watching me go. Both answers would confuse me. The yes or the no.

I snoozed off in the car, got shook awake. Made my way into the apartment and crashed out again. I was fucking exhausted. Physically, mentally. Emotionally. Exhausted.

There was so much to feel, to dissect. To break down and consider. But not yet. Not now. Now was just for sleeping.

Chapter 14

He paced the darkened basement as if he were a man possessed. To Andrew he looked like a man possessed. Never had he seen before the kinds of things he had seen tonight. The conjuring by Johnathan… the raw naked power displayed by Warren. He was scared, he was past scared… terrified even. Everything felt as if it was spinning out of control. He felt dizzy. Like he wanted to stop the ride and dismount. Stop it before it was too late. Before Warren succeeded.

The thing, the beast… whatever it was that Johnathan had created had been the thing of nightmares. All howling and scowling, craving pain. He had watched as it had appeared before them, it’s limbs as new to it as a fresh born baby. It’s cries just as fierce. Had sat back terrified as Warren had stood before it unfazed. As the beast had fallen to the floor. At the feet of his master.

He didn’t understand what happened after. The new words being chanted by Johnathan, the air as it crackled with an intensity which held them all rigid. Warren and the beast as they had screamed in unison. And then the silence. The waiting.

They had released the monster from it’s binds. Set it free to do Warren’s bidding. The two minions able to do nothing but watch as their leader swayed trance like in the middle of the room, his eyes burning the deepest of blacks. The sounds which seemed to reverberate from the very ether itself. Screams of pain. Screams of terror.

At one point everything had frozen. Stopped dead. Warren with his arms spread wide, a sickening grin of depravity resting upon his lips. They had seen as he started to glow… as if soaking up power, becoming even more stronger then they had already witnessed.

Andrew had almost chosen that moment. If he had of been a hero it would have been the moment. His crazed mentor lost to whatever sensation had overtaken him… unprepared. Unarmed. If Andrew had been a hero he knew he would of taken him then. Ended it then. But he wasn’t and he hadn’t. He had instead watched as Warren seemed to crumple himself… the scream of agony which fell from his mouth a short respite to the manic shouts of approval.

For a second he hoped that it was over. That the power had become too much, had short circuited and destroyed Warren for them. But that hadn’t happened either. He had regained his composure… re-entered his trance. Stood tall and firm. Strong.

Him and Johnathan had both cowered back against the wall when the words left his body. Screaming for the wish demon, screaming for a way out. And then back to them. Here amongst them. Looking for retribution for all that he hadn’t gained. Another plan failed.

“What does it take..? What do I have to do to get a damn thing accomplished around here..?”

Neither of Warren’s minions spoke. Neither of them daring to open their mouths and risk further wrath from the ball of rage in front of them. “Answer me! Andrew?”

“Me?”

“Yes you…” He stalked to a place in front of the blonde boy. Lifted his hand and ran it gently down his face, stopping at his chin, closing his grasp and holding him rigid. “…you who is supposed to be the inside man, you who is supposed to be getting us information… you who is so damn pathetic, and useless… tell me Andrew, why should I let you live?”

“I… uh…”

“Not a very good argument is it?” He dropped his hand and let the boy reclaim use of his head. Watched as he stretched the tendons in his neck.

“I’ll… I can do better?” Andrew hoped his voice wasn’t betraying what his sure his pants were. He was shitting himself. He didn’t think he could do better. There wasn’t anything to be learned from the house on Revello drive other then the fact that it housed a bunch of real nice people. People better them him. People that used what gifts they had for the good of mankind, not for the bad.

“You had better DO better Andrew. When the time comes, and don’t doubt that the time will come, I won’t be supporting hangers on… wastes of space. My world will be for the strong…” He had gone into pose mode again. Pacing the ground with an air of importance, as if he truly believed every word which sprang from his mouth. “…not the weak. Not the defeated.” He stopped in front of Andrew again. Raised his hand and caressed his face again. “Do you want to be in my world Andrew? Do you want to belong?”

Andrew could feel the sweat as it beaded across his forehead. As it slipped down the back of his neck and trailed down his spine. It felt icy cold. Like fear. Of course he wanted to belong, to survive… but like this. As Warren’s tool? He brought his wavering eyes steady with Warren’s, prayed he could still hold his nerve to speak. “I want to belong… I want to do better.”

He collapsed a little as he spoke it. Again allied himself at Warren’s side.

The depraved grin was back on the leaders face, back in his eyes, eating at his soul. He left the blonde one, turned to Johnathan. He had done well tonight, had channelled the magic his master had sent. Channelled it through to Warren, given him the extra power. He observed him now, cowering in the corner, pretending that he didn’t know that Warren’s gaze was falling on him. “Johnathan..? Come here.”

He bumbled from his place, stumbled keeping one foot in front of the other. Inside he had already given up… already accepted that Warren would win and he would probably die. It didn’t seem so important. He didn’t feel so important. Maybe helping Warren achieve the ultimate evil had been his point to life, his reason.

“Yes master?” He had taken to calling Warren that all the time. It kept him placated, lessened the severity with which he spoke to him.

“Excellent work tonight, you did well… you impressed me for once.”

He wanted to cry. Maybe it wasn’t all over? Maybe he would still have a chance to exist in the world that Warren was creating. “Thank you… master.”

He made himself smaller. Smaller then normal. He didn’t know whether to fall to the ground and worship at Warren’s feet. A little bit of him felt like that would be a good idea, but the tiny bit which still begged him to find some self respect wouldn’t let that happen. Made him still feel his back bone even though it was bent nearly double.

He breathed easier as Warren turned from him. The attention gone from him for just a moment. It was hard to guess what would be next, everything seemed to have gone crazy the last couple of weeks… rushing towards something that he never would have expected. Never would have fathomed.

Warren turned again. Spoke to him. “I want the demon. Get her for me Johnathan… call her forth.”

“The demon?”

“The wish demon you fool! The bitch that ruined our plans…”

It was easy for Johnathan to summon her. When Warren had plunged his hands into evil and marked his face with the residue, he had gained power… borrowed power. It had allowed him to beat back the hierarchy that had existed for generations amongst the underworld of the demon. He had only to show them a glimpse of what was coming and they had fled. Had hopped dimension… left this one alone. Rulers like D’Hoffryn had scampered without a fight, happier to save his own skin then to stay and fight for the lives of his charges.

Warren could do as he wished to them now. And he didn’t have to wish for it. He watched as Johnathan performed the chant that would summon the traitorous bitch. Bring her forth for retribution.

She looked shocked as she appeared. Her eyes widening as they took in the basement again. The look on Warren’s face. “You? Again?”

“Yes, me… you owe me a witch.”

“I owe you nothing… I granted the girls wish, that was all I offered you. All that you asked for.”

He let the smile curve slowly along his lips. Taking it’s time to settle there. Looking like it didn’t belong there. “When will you understand? Things have changed demon… I don’t ask you for anything… I tell you. And then you do it.”

Hallie was sick of this. She hadn’t existed for over a thousand years to have her authority challenged by this poor excuse for a human. D’Hoffryn was gone, of that she was aware… new power was coming, but this? This boy was still just a boy. She let a growl emanate low in her chest, let it travel up through her throat, let the features of her face change to show her true form. “YOU do NOT tell me anything boy!”

Her fist travelled fast from her side, her arm raising with the speed befitting a demon, looking to strike, to regain some pride. She saw as he grabbed it, felt as he began to crush it slowly in his own vice like grip.

“You dare to strike me demon..? You think I would let you touch me..? You think my master would let you touch me?”

She couldn’t think through the pain, couldn’t form words of supplication. She let out the slightest sound. It sounded like ‘sorry’.

He released her hand, laughed as she fell to the floor in agony. “You have no power anymore demon, the only power you have is in wishes…” He turned and looked at his two minions, flashed a confident smile. “…and no one here has wishes for you… has anything for you.”

He couldn’t see the looks exchanged behind him. As soon as his eyes had returned to the woman, his followers eyes had sought out each other. Both of them wondering if they were brave enough to break ranks. To kick start a mutiny. For the minute they weren’t. Neither of them.

“Johnathan?”

“Uh yes master…” He scrambled quickly to Warren’s side. Cast a quick glance down at the granter of wishes. “…what do you need?”

“Her… this thing, I want her locked up… kept here, whatever it is you magic types do to keep people trapped… do it.” He reached down and roughly drew the demon back to her feet. “I want her for a pet… my own wish granter, has to be good don’t you think?”

“I can only grant wishes of the scorned…”

“Shut up!” He shook her violently from the place that he held her, reminded her again that he was in charge, that she was nothing. “Believe it or not demon I know that… but then I also know that quite a few people will be looking to scorn me very soon… it’s nice to keep a little secret weapon up the sleeve…”

Halfrek was powerless to do anything other then offer submission. To accept the magical binds which were tightened all around her. If only she had given more warning to Anyanka… had spoken of the basement, of the boy who would be king. But she hadn’t, had instead believed that she would come out of it okay, that D’Hoffryn would return to take care of his… but it hadn’t happened. Not yet. So submission was all that she had.

Warren himself watched with glee as the binds slipped into place around the limbs of the demon. Making her docile. Making her his. He may have failed tonight, but it was getting closer… he could tell. The power within him was growing, the power to affect his own destiny, to work his own will. Soon the witch would be his, and after that Willow.

Tonight, through the eyes of the demon, he had seen how easy she was to tempt. How close she was to falling. He wanted her to fall. Wanted to catch her. Wanted to give her everything she needed to give him the thing that he needed.

If she would embrace the dark magics, carry on the path which she had already stood upon, so close to the edge… then he could use her to wield the power needed to open the portal. To bring his master through the dimensions. From there to here. Past to present.

It excited him like nothing other. Caused the blood to rush faster through his veins, the energy to flow through his system. It enriched him, made him want more. Want everything.

He summoned Andrew to him once more, offered him a sickly smile to soften his nerves. “I need a weakness Andrew, I need something… anything to work with.” The boy nodded his head frantically, almost detaching from his neck, so keen was he to show he could do it. “The slayers, both of them…” He narrowed his eyes, thought through his plans. “…find me a weakness. I want them gone.”

Andrew swallowed his gulp. Tried again to assure with nods. He was scared of the slayers, especially the dark one… Faith. She eyed him suspiciously, made him feel uncomfortable… like he needed to pee. He was sure that there wasn’t a weakness, no dents in their armour that would be easy to observe.

Warren slid his hand over the features of his follower again. Fixed his eyes deep into his. Spoke no words of comfort. “Don’t let me down Andrew, it wouldn’t be good for you. Not very good at all.”

They chilled the boy to the bone. Made him forget every thought of heroism and mutiny. Made him want nothing more then to discover a crack in the foundations. Something that could bring the house of the slayer tumbling down.

He would hunt for weaknesses. He wouldn’t stop until he had found them.

POV Tara

I sat here all night waiting for the morning. Waiting for the sunshine. An end to the darkness. And now as it comes? Now all I can see are the shadows that sit around her eyes. The deepening purple of the bruise on her cheek. It’s not right. She doesn’t look like my Willow. My love.

I reach my hand out softly to try and draw back her hair. I don’t want to wake her, I know she needs the rest. But I want to touch her, I need to touch her. Maybe to make her mine again. To banish the things which would take her away from me.

The beast thing was so damn scary. The first second I was confident stood behind Buffy. Nothing much ever slips past her defences, and yes my heart had raced, but still I felt safe. Just for a second.

And then that had ended. Ended with a fist of concrete delivered to the side of my head. It’s a good job I’m used to that kind of punishment, my skull hardened from the years of living at home. Everything had gone black, swimming through unconsciousness, and then Buffy had been there again. Cradling me, whispering words to bring me back… find me in the darkness. I awoke believing it was over, rescued again. But it wasn’t. The worst was still to come.

The chill when she spoke.

It slipped through any warmth I’d ever known. And nothing has ever scared me more.

I understand why. I know why. The thing, the beast, it was there for me. We don’t know what for, no one ever knows what for, but it was me that it was after. I would do anything to save Willow, she was showing that she would do anything to save me. Even make her self less. Give herself to the nothing.

I can’t bear the thought. If saving me means losing herself, then I have nothing to be saved for. She has to know that. She has to understand that.

The blood that flowed from her nose fell for hours. A steady trickle, no amount of tissues rammed into crevices seeming to stem it. That scared me too. Losing Joyce last year to damage in the brain… that kind of thing makes a girl think. Makes a girl worry. I’m so worried.

I look at her again and I feel the tears starting to flow. So much I want an end to these tears. Not just for me, for everybody. My whole life I always felt so alone, so lost, so useless… these people have become my family, given me everything I ever needed. Seeing them all in so much pain is killing me. I want to make it all better. Want to make it all stop.

The bruise looks so livid against the paleness of her skin. Always pale but this morning even more so. Like a porcelain doll just laying there, ready to be broken. If she had received it in any other way I would already be hunting the perpetrator down, looking for retribution for damaging something so special… but instead I offered thanks. Not enough thanks for what Faith did.

If I hadn’t already warmed to her so much then this would have sealed it. Her mind so far ahead of the rest of us, seizing the moment, saving Willow.

And then saving me.

I guess that makes her my hero. I’ll have to tell her, make her laugh. Make her smile.

The little groan that makes it’s way from Willow’s lips draws my eyes back to her. My hand back to her. Her eyelids flutter open and I can see already the pain that she is in. I go to speak, to ask pointless questions. “Baby..? Are you ok?”

“Tara?” Her gaze fixes slowly on mine, the grogginess plain to see. As her vision clears her eyes grow wider, panic showing. “Oh god… I’m gonna be sick…”

She jumps from the bed, before I can stop her. Before I can tell her to take it easy. I follow after her of course, ready to hold back her hair and whisper that it’s ok. That I’ve got her.

I hear her retching as I come through the door, watch her slide to a place on the floor, rest her sweat beaded head against the coolness of the toilet bowl. I go to her and take the place beside her, slip my hand into hers, offer a soft squeeze. I just want her to know that I’m here.

As she starts to talk her voice is harsh from the vomiting. Harsh on herself with the words she feels she has to say.

“I’m so sorry Tara… I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to… but I was scared, so scared baby…”

“Shhhh.” I tuck her hair behind her ear and press my lips softly to the side of her head. I feel her wince as if it hurts. Kiss her softer still. “It’s ok, I know what happened… I know why it happened.”

She looks at me hopeful, tears falling softly from the sides of her eyes. “Do you mean it? You won’t leave me again… please?”

Oh goddess she breaks my heart. “No Willow, I won’t leave you. I promise.”

I let my arms glide around her torso, hold her as firmly as I dare. Deep inside I feel the need to hold on and never let go. I feel my love coated in gloom, like this is the beginning, not the end, of what is coming.

The demon said so. She said that something was coming. And she was scared.

I open my arms as I feel her tensing, draw back and hold her hair as she empties more of her stomach into the toilet bowl. It smells putrid, worse then anything she would ever of eaten. Worse then bile.

I take a look, shudder on the inside as I see the colour. Just black. The darkest of blacks. Her body trying to dispel the evil that she had let back in. The dark magic.

If I could make a wish with that demon it would be that she had never even touched the darkness. Had never been shown the things which are best left alone. But then… then we wouldn’t have Buffy back. And how could I ever wish for that?

“Tara… could you get me some water?” The whisper croaks out from her parched lips, and already I’m running the tap, trying to give her whatever she needs. I watch her sip it slowly, the little wince every time that she swallows.

I want to know who did this to her. Who did this to us.

Buffy’s right. This isn’t pranks anymore. This is dangerous. This is life and death.

I watch Willow as she starts to rise, offer her my arm and lead her back to her room. To our room. I won’t be leaving her side again, this is where I belong.

She slips back between the sheets and I do my best at tucking her in. Ask if she needs anything, can she try and eat? Would that be okay? I knew she would shake her head. Didn’t know what she would say.

“Can you just hold me baby? I just need you to hold me.”

Of course I will. I make room in the sheets for two, sit back against the headrest and let her fall into my arms. I could hold her forever. If she needs me to.

“I’m so tired Tara, will you tell me a story…”

A story? I smile at the top of her head. My innocent little Willow. I try and remember all the little nonsense things which I know make her smile, all the tales we had spun since the beginning of us. All of our things. I tell her the one about the pelican who didn’t like to eat fish. He made friends with them instead and gave them all lessons in flying. At the end he developed a taste for frogs. Ate them all.

She likes that one. I let it pull her down to sleep. Her breathing becoming steadier with each word I speak. Each tale I tell. I carry on even when I know she’s asleep. Can’t hear me anymore. I carry on because I need to. Need to stay with her.

I drifted off too. More tired then I knew. Woken up by her shaking, the flailing of limbs. Cries of terror. “Tara… no… TARA!!”

I shook her awake, not worried about gentle, more worried about making her safe. “Willow, sweetie… come on, it’s okay, I’m here… come on.”

She was covered in sweat again. Needing to vomit again. I had missed out on all of this the last time, the effects of the dark stuff. Had made myself leave because I believed that she needed it. Tough love the only thing I knew which might stop her. Now I was here though and I held her close, let her push me away when it became too much. I cried with her when she cried, felt all the same fears as her. In the moments that she felt better we talked it all out.

The beast and the magic. I made her promise no more. No matter what. I impressed on her that there was no point in saving me if my Willow wouldn’t be here waiting for me. I would rather take my chances with beasts then see her fall to the darkness. I couldn’t live through that. It would destroy us both.

She gave me her word as best she could. It’s hard to make promises when your body is still dispelling the magic which you had already before promised yourself away from. I wanted to believe her though, I wanted to believe in her, she needed me to.

I had stayed until she fell into rest less fitful, no more cries of terror, just light easy breathing. Downstairs when I got there was all ready cleaned up, nothing left to acknowledge that again our home had been breached by evil. I was sick of it. Why couldn’t things just leave us alone? Let us get on with it.

Buffy was at work already. I don’t know how she does it. Even through all that she is dealing with, all the lack of living in the moment, she still faces her responsibilities as best she can. Never stopping with the slaying, never stopping with the work. You had to admire that. It wasn’t everything but it was something.

Cordy came by again. Staying with Dawn, showing her all the best ways of applying makeup. It kept the tone of the house light, hiding the things that we all knew were happening. I appreciated it, revelled in it. Prayed that Willow would sleep on so as I could lose myself to the guise a little longer.

The doorbell brought surprise and tentative approaches. I know monsters don’t knock for entry, but I was still wary. Still cautious as I made my way there, exchanging little glances with Cordy, both of us waiting on attack.

I breathed my gratitude in a sigh of relief when the door opened up on Andrew. He was the least dangerous thing I think I had ever seen. He always looked nervous, always kind of scared. It was kinda cute. For a boy.

I had smiled him a hello and ushered him inside, laughed at Dawn’s eyes as he stepped forward to offer her makeup tips too. I could imagine him in a salon, fixing up nails. I really don’t think he ever had a crush on Willow. I mean… really.

We offered him snippets of our time locked in the house, his face changing rapidly as we told him about the monster, the pain it inflicted, the damage it caused. We didn’t dwell so much on Willow… he isn’t enough of a friend to know that much of our business. But he still seemed concerned. Frightened for us.

It’s a shame that he can’t help, he seems like he would like to. But what’s one more boy against the things that we face?

We sat around till tea time, each of us adding something to Dawn’s beauty. Andrew painting the nails as I guessed, Cordy trying different things across her face, and me teasing different styles into her newly cut hair. It was a distraction, and until darkness fell it had worked. With the darkness though came back the fear. The memories.

I had to go back to her. Reassure myself that she was still sleeping safely.

I brought her some soup. I knew she wouldn’t want to eat it, but I would make her. She needs to keep her strength up. We all do.

POV Faith

I never thought that I would wake up and face this day smiling. In fact, falling into bed last night I kinda wondered if I’d bother waking up at all. What a fucking mess right? All of it. Not just even the me and B shit, which is bad enough… but all the other shit? The nasty shit? It’s got me feeling antsy. Far too close to scared.

And yet I woke up smiling.

It makes me smile thinking about the smiles. Which makes me smile more. Which leaves me sitting here grinning like a fucking idiot. A dope.

One god damn kiss. One tiniest moment of pressure, lips against lips. You want me to tell you how it was a second that lasted a lifetime? A reel of film wrapped on replay, spinning over and over, through every breath, every murmur. Every sound of acceptance. Cos I could. I could tell you it’s the thing I remember the most about the ‘party’. The touch that’s lasted the longest. Maybe the deepest of my bruises?

A mistake.

So why the fuck can’t I stop smiling?

Even memories of her drawing back from me. Of her head shaking and pushing me away. It’s not enough. Nothing could be enough to stop this feeling. It’s a crazy feeling. I’ve never had it before… never had a kiss that lasted longer then the flesh touching flesh, meant anything more then a need to be filled. To be fucked. Kissing Buffy has given me a need alright, but fucked ain’t up there at the top. It’s maybe kinda second. But not top.

I dissected her words like I knew that I would, each one a sound bite to be digested and worked through… but in the end I got it. I understood why she would say one thing which contradicted everything else she had shown me in the minutes before. She’s fucking scared. Fucking terrified. Not of me because I’m bad… but of me because I might be good. Good for her.

I remember the time when I first realised I might be good. Angel’s arms had been telling me it, his voice whispering through my cracks to tell me it… but I didn’t realise it until up on that roof. On top of the world, stood there with her.

The moment when I pleaded a way to make it all better. An instant of eye contact before the badness came back. And that was the instance that I first knew… when I looked into her eyes and realised that I really did want to make things better. It wasn’t just words. Another way out.

The realisation scared me so much that I threw myself into fucking prison. Locked myself in Juvie and waited on the madness. I couldn’t be good. Look at me? I was so damn bad.

But my fears were all true. I did have it in me. Angel was right. I was wrong. Again.

So I get that she’s scared now. Of me and the possibilities. I get that she locks herself away from me behind walls of steel. I did the same. Only mine had bars.

Time will show her that I am what I say I am. No more bullshit. No more lies.

Tonight is creeping closer with every beat of my heart and all I know is that I’ll be there at 11. I’ll probably be there at 10. I draw the line at 9.

And I’ll keep being there until she can look at me and see the truth, not just feel it and then back away. But see it. See me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m too fucking ecstatic that she said she feels it. Admitted that she feels it… but what use is that if she can turn away from it so easily? I need her to know that I’m safe. That I won’t hurt her with the feeling.

So there’s a new plan right? Yeah. Not that I ever had a plan. I kinda long for them days just a few weeks old… the ones where I thought I could come here and not be affected by her. That makes me smile too. I already said that I’m a dope. But now I do have a plan… a strategy maybe? I never learnt the difference.

I’m gonna hobble my sweet little ass over there this evening and I’m gonna show her every fucking reason that she should give me this chance. I’m gonna tell her too. Not with shouting, with losses of clarity… no, I’m gonna be calm. Confident. Lay it out the only way left. With openness and honesty.

Still fucking smiling.

Openness and honesty were never great friends of mine. Not really even acquaintances, but I swear I’m gonna be hanging out with them tonight. It’s all I can think of, my only chance.

Maybe it will provoke some of the same in her…

I can dream right? I spent the whole fucking night and half of today dreaming about my half kiss, so I KNOW I can dream. And how about dreams coming true? Can I do that too? I should’ve wished for it… not fucking secrets and shit.

I’m scared of her secrets, she’s scared of me. And it just won’t work unless I push it aside. Deny the fear and get with the good stuff. It’s like I said… there’s nothing so bad that could ever turn me from her. Nothing.

I’ll tell her that again too. Let her know that I’m willing, if she is, to share secrets.

I know she won’t be as willing as I want, but still I’ll tell her. I want to insist. I wanna take that feeling that I get when we’re close and hold her steady until she gives in to it. Lets it assure her as much as it assures me. But I know that’s the wrong way to go… know that forcing anything from her is the wrong way to go.

So I’ll sit back. I’ll offer her my words, my explanations. And I hope that it will start to be enough. I think it will be. I really think it will be.

It has to be. That kiss has me smiling too much to piss me off today. Please?

When the light outside had started to dim I had started to get myself ready. Not in camouflage or any of that shit… just me. A small slice of leather and the softness of curves… the limp from the purple knee is detracting from the sexy strut… but I can still swing it. Make it work for me. I’m nervous as hell. You know I am… but more then that? More then that I’m excited. It feels right.

Everything is going wrong. Demons and monsters and all sorts of bad shit… but this just feels right. Like I’m heading in the right direction. Meeting my destiny?

Yeah. I’m still thinking the stupid thoughts. But I can’t help it… it’s the memory of the moment of the kiss. Of her forehead resting against mine, her breaths falling in sync with me, her nose as I’d brushed my own against it, so softly, a gentle tease… the way her head slid to accommodate the touch. The way her lips were soft and yielding… the slip of saliva making them wet against mine. God. It feels so fucking right.

Probably means it’s doomed.

I try and cling to the feeling of rejection. The way the blood had slammed through my body demanding action. Demanding that I take everything I need. Everything I want. The destructive voice in my head urging the same. I try and remember it all and let it steel me for more of the same. More of her rejection.

But all I can remember is the way my heart beat for that moment. Like it never had before. Like it had found it’s whole reason for beating. For giving me life.

I am a fucking wuss. Don’t need tears to prove it. My thoughts are sappy enough.

All day I’ve tried to distract it with thoughts and plans for big bads and demons… but it’s fruitless. Pointless. Whatever that shit is I know we’ll handle it… it’s the way things work out. Good beats evil. Evil goes home.

The churning it gave me in my gut last night is gone. Silenced by the butterflies of the minute. Wings flapping hard to make me unsettled. Makes me wonder how I’d feel if it really was a date. If her slip of the tongue wasn’t a slip, but the truth of what she wants. What she feels. I wanna cross my fingers. Hell, I’d cross all of my limbs if my knee wasn’t fucked.

The hours drawing nearer still and all I can do is sit and wait. Count the seconds.

I never wanted hope. I never wanted this.

If I believe that then I’m a liar and a coward. This is all I’ve ever wanted. All I’ve ever hoped for. And tonight?
I look up at the clock again. Pull myself from the sofa and test out my knee. It takes my weight okay. It hurts in so many ways, but it will carry me. It will get me to her.

Cos tonight is the start of it. The start of everything. I’m gonna be open, and I’m gonna be honest. It’s the best I can offer her now, everything I can offer her.

I’m gonna put the ball in her court and trust in the feeling. I’m gonna put my trust in her. The place I should’ve put it in the beginning.

I try and take it slow as I leave my place, try and stop the skip from damaging my knee any more… but it’s a hard feeling to fight. Yeah, it feels like a date. Just a little tiny date with destiny.

Chapter 15

POV Faith

Is there a word for nervous that makes it sound more? A word which even begins to come close to all these messed up things that I’m feeling? My palms are sweaty. My guts are on a spin cycle. And my mind is fast closing in on a melt down. I paint a beautiful picture. Every girls ideal ‘date’. Not that this is a date… it’s patrolling. Just me and B walking the same old walk. Not a fucking clue what we’re gonna talk about.

That’s the scary thing. Wait, that’s one of the scary things. Not having a clue what to say. I want to be open and honest and all the things I spent the day telling myself about being… but how the fuck do I accomplish that when I’m not even sure how I’m gonna say hello?

I’ve been through: Hey B. To: Hello Buffy. It’s a mighty fine evening, wanna go stake some dead things. And finally to:

Yeah. The silent option. The staring dumbfounded at her face as I wait for her to make the first move. None of them seem to capture the mood though, but then maybe I’d have to throw up at her feet for her to catch how screwed up I’m feeling. It’s a possible option.

Then I could tell her how many cracks there are in the brickwork outside of her workplace, how many gaps in the sidewalk, how many smears on the pane glass of the windows. That would surely remind her that I’m sane now. I’m just insanely nervous. I’ve been standing here counting the monotonous because it was easier then standing here and counting the seconds. Easier then trying to wonder about the things that she might be wondering about.

About her secrets.

I don’t have a watch, never have had a watch. I’ve got that inner clock thing. It tells me when it’s early and it tells me when I’m late. At the moment it’s telling me that I’ve waited long enough, that the time it took to hobble here paired with the time it took to count the bricks is enough… that it’s the dating hour.

And I’ve really gotta get that damn ‘date’ word out of my head. Not my fault though. It wasn’t me that said it.

I know she’s coming before I see her. Her scent being carried across the air… all mixed in with the smell of the putrid offal. It builds the anticipation in me. I try to smile… it feels like a grimace. I try and relax and my shoulders hurt with the tension. And then I see her. And I do smile. I can’t do anything else.

She’s approaching me with a perky frown on her face. Yeah, I know… perky frown? Only she can do it. Can make looking pissed off such a favourable expression. I run my phrase book through my head, every step closer and I’m considering a different hello, a different welcome. She beats me to it. “I know, I know… I‘m late. Was you waiting long?”

What to say? Honesty and openness? “Not so long B, pretty much just got here… I thought I was the late one.” And I watch as that perky frown turns to perked amusement.

“Funny, I thought I saw a girl just like you hobbling around outside about an hour ago. I thought to self… gee, Faith’s pretty keen with the early… now though?” Her eyebrows twitch and even I’m proper smiling. “Now I’m thinking I was wrong, that I don’t have to worry about the apologies for being late.”

Apologies? Shit, don’t even fucking go there. I’d never take an apology from her. I have no right to. I owe her too many. “It’s cool B… not me. Although hot and hobbling? I see why you might have got confused.” I’m lying, she knows I’m lying, and we’re both still smiling. I should definitely reconsider honest.

She hands me a brown paper food bag, tells me she guessed I might be hungry, what with the waiting around. And she winks. And there’s no way I’m eating anything with the state that my stomach is in. I REALLY don’t wanna throw up at her feet. Things are going well. And the smell from the bag is pretty much enough to have me wondering how I ever used to eat this shit.

There was a time I survived on it. But then that was back in the days when I only knew how to survive. I’m trying the whole living thing now… means much better food.

I let her down gently though, I am grateful for the thought, shocked that she thought of me at all really. So I don’t slam dunk it into the nearest trashcan, I rub my tummy and assure her that I’m full from earlier… I just got here after all, and you know I ate before I left.

She’s watching me as I’m sliding it gently in with the rubbish, and now she’s watching as I make my way back. “How’s the knee, looks like you’re limping a little?”

“Doesn’t hurt too much… a bit stiff, reluctant to walk for me, but you know, I can deal.” In truth I had started to forget it, lost myself in sensations so much nicer then pain. I remember it’s nice to swap concern, gesture towards the shoulder that’s damaged. Try not to remember how it felt under the tips of my finger. The softness of the base of her neck. “What about you B? You healing up nicely?”

“Like I said, just a scratch.” Her voice sounds a little like it’s forcing chipper, and I can imagine that the nasty slash is still causing her some ouches. I don’t say anything though. I’m used to hiding the pain, I guess she is too.

I let her take the lead, let her set the pace. She keeps it slow and I know that she knows that the knee IS still hurting. It makes me smile for no reason. Maybe because it feels like she cares, or maybe it’s just because I know that she gets it. Hiding pain doesn’t stop it from hurting none. And it is starting to hurt like a bitch.

These boots weren’t made for walking. It’s official.

I look down at the heavy steel capped numbers I’m wearing and I wanna smack myself for being an idiot. It’s all well and good knowing that the steel is great for smashing the faces of evil… it helps if you can swing your leg at all though, and I know that my leg isn’t swinging anywhere in these. I should of worn sneakers.

We make our way slow and steady through the first cemetery, not really chatting, both pretending that the silence is good for the hunt. It’s a stupid thing to hide behind. As if vampires are scared off by noise. The sight of two hot chicks like us and the dead fuckers will surely salivate… won’t matter a shit if we’re talking or not. But for the moment it’s ok. It’s just ok being here. With her.

But no vampires ARE biting. Or sniffing. Or doing much of anything.

I wonder how long to leave it. How long to maybe ask B if she hasn’t finished off all of the evil in this town and maybe we should just call it quits. Declare the hellmouth closed for business. But I am still leaving it. Contentedly letting my step sit happy with hers, nice and slow. Wherever it takes us.

It takes us through two more empty cemetery’s. Not a sign of anything unusual, which in it’s self is as unusual as fuck. This is Sunnydale for gods sake! I can’t take it no more, I look to B and ask. “Where the hell is all the evil B? I swear… I sweep on my own and there’s all sorts of nasty shit, I patrol with you and not a sniff of action…” I give her a look as confused as I’m feeling. “…what gives?”

“Perks of the job Faith.”

Huh? Make that doubly confused. “The job? The slaying..?”

She shakes her head, spreads her arms out. “The aroma of the double meat palace… repels all evil or your money back.”

I look at her like maybe she’s kidding. See that she’s not. “You mean it? That smell keeps the vamps at bay?” I thought it was garlic that did that shit. Although, to be fair… she stinks up a treat. It’s not high on the list of appetising. Not if you’re evil.

“Seriously. At first I was offended, now I like the peace and quiet…”

She trails off as the biggest stupidest looking vamp I’ve seen in ages plants itself right in our path. “You were saying B?”

“Ok, sometimes it’s not so effective…”

“I guess you should ask for your money back.”

I keep one eye on her and await her reply, the other on the thing which wants to make us dinner. I know there’s no chance, but I’m thinking about the leg. About the shoulder. It may need both of us, I wanna be on the ball. Ready to back her up.

It seems the vamp doesn’t have the manners to wait on Buffy’s answer, already he’s lumbering towards us and I’m just waiting to see which way he attacks. Let myself slide back as it’s me that he turns to.

“I told ya Faith, none of them want to bite me no more…”

I tune out her words as the vamp throws out it’s fists. They look like two sledgehammers. With digits and stuff. She’s still babbling and I’m still not listening… he’s passing me punches and I’m catching each one. It’s barely even a work out. A big old softie. Or a newbie. Soon to be a no more-ie?

From the corner of my eye I see her slip herself up onto a gravestone. She’s twirling a stake in her hand, watching more amused then worried, not a hint of concern anywhere about her.

Makes me smile into my attacks.

In the old days, in my unrestrained days, she always looked concerned. Wouldn’t matter what I was slaying, if we were fighting at each others sides or not… she always looked worried. Like she didn’t trust me to get the job done. I take her amusement as some kind of acceptance. Acknowledgement that she knows I’m ok.

Or maybe she just wants me to get eaten?

The thought makes me throw my glance back to her, just for a second, just to judge one way or the other. I take my eyes from the fight, my attention away from my opponent. And I feel as the fucker whacks me square across my jaw.

“Jesus fuck!” It’s all that falls out before he lands another. Just the side of the eye this time. Just enough to get me fucking pissed off. I shake my head steady on the top of my shoulders and give him a long list of old Boston curses. My mom would be proud.

He’s not looking impressed though. I duck low as he swings another, concentrate my thoughts on seeing the opening, the clearing for some dusting. I come back up and catch him hard in the chest, my fist relishing the feel of ribs crunching against ribs, of his howl of both anger and pain.

He just looks confused now and I know his dead skull is trying to work out how I hit him so hard. I don’t waste time before I hit him again, convey the word ‘slayer’ not with my mouth but with my flurry of punches. He has to know that he’s beat. It’s just a case of when I wanna stake him. How long I let his non-existence last.

I wanna throw in a wise crack, show Buffy that I still got the moves with my tongue, it’s not just about the muscle, but even this fleeting thought of her is enough to get my head turning, my eyes seeking out the only thing that they covet. Still on the tombstone, eyes firmly fixed on me.

Again I seek to smile, to let her know how good her eyes on my feel.

Her lack of return smile registers just before my scream. Just before the sickening feel of my knee taking 300 lbs of solid meat crashed against it. I fall to the floor and I don’t even care about dead things, and alive things and anything at all. It hurts and I’m damn close to crying.

“Faith!”

That does it. I turn my body to face the sound of salvation, feel the rush of air as the vamps foot smacks hard against the place from where I just moved my head. “Good call B…”

And yeah I mean it.

She doesn’t waste time accepting my gratitude. She’s already swinging the beast round to face her, reminding the undead that there’s two slayers in town. I raise myself up on my elbows, watching in fascination as her body lets itself free.

It’s poetry. Pure fucking poetry. Not like watching her get tossed by the thing the other night, watching her take hits that send her flying… no. This is watching her at her best… the speed of my vision keeping track of every one of her moves. Feeling that old hum… the beauty of the knowledge of knowing where she’s going. What she’s doing. I see it all. And damn right I fucking feel it.

My muscles are itching to fall into synchronicity, even my wasted leg letting me know that it wants to telegraph moves with her. Wants to let itself go to get lost in that bond. It hurts passed the pain to have to sit and play voyeur. To have to offer the slow impressed clap that my hands are seeking to offer as she bursts it into dust.

“Nice show B, you’ve been practicing ain’t ya?” I wiggle my eyebrows without even meaning to, like silent traitors to my every fleeting thought. I wanna pin them into place, want to say words without hidden meaning.

Her turn is slow, her breathing slightly deep. “It’s a good job too…” She paces her way over to me and extends out her hand. “…I thought you were coming along to look after me?”

My chuckle breaks the silence that holding her hand makes me feel. “I never said that, I just figured with the shoulder that you might need…”

She’s lifting me up with the arm attached to that shoulder now. The smile on those lips growing bigger by the second. “The shoulders not so bad Faith, now how about the knee?”

Fucked.

I stumble a little as her arm seeks to steady me. I don’t mean to lean on her, I just… for a second, my knee… I just. I swallow a grunt as I try to push it back to the floor, try to let my weight distribute itself across my aching joints. And it’s useless. My knee just doesn’t wanna take it. It’s had enough. I kinda don’t blame it.

I whimper a little as I raise it again. It makes her speak my name. Lets me slip the cover from my eyes and show her just how much the damn thing is hurting.

“Come on, let’s get you over there.”

Over where? I don’t ask. She’s sliding my arm around her shoulder and letting me put most of my weight onto her. Her other arm is sliding across my back, holding me steady to her, against her. And I don’t care where the fuck she takes me. I’m happy to go there.

The gravestone that was home to her ass just a minute ago is now gonna be home to mine. We stop in front of it, not quite sure of the dynamics in getting me up there. I won’t play the fucking damsel in distress though, it’s nice to feel her next to me but I won’t play dead for no one.

I take the seconds agony just to be able to pull myself up. Sigh in absolute displeasure once I finally come to rest. “Have I ever mentioned I hate this shit?” She laughs so I narrow my gaze. “No bullshit B, I’m getting too old for this…”

“You’re getting too old?” She carries right on with the giggles. “You do remember how long I’ve been doing this right?”

Of course I do. As if I’d forget anything. “I know the story B…” I motion pretty pathetically to my useless lump of leg. “…as I’m the one feeling the pain though I think it’s only right that I get to bitch.”

She nods sagely and it’s nice to be in agreement. “Although if you hadn’t let yourself get distracted…”

“Hey! No fair!” Her eyes are dancing with mischief but it still hurts a little. I search for insults from her, makes it easy to find them. “I wasn’t distracted, I was…”

Ok. Now I’m brain dead. I was what?

“Cool it miss sensitive…” Me? Sensitive? I feel her hand as it touches my leg and ‘cooling it’ is miles from the equation. “…can I pull up your pant leg? Get a look at the damage?”

The insult that never was is easy to let go off. I’m just left trying to hold onto some dignity. Her fingers are light as they tease up the seam, getting bolder as they seek to find flesh under material. I try not to gasp, try not to breathe. I do both. Heavy.

“Is that ok? Am I hurting you?” God her voice sounds serene. I know it should calm me, should make my heart steady, but it’s doing the opposite. Hearing that worry… that caring in her tone. Do I have to mention marshmallows again?

“S’ok B, I can take it.” And I do steady myself again. Switch my thoughts to anything except the feel of her hands on my flesh. Her skin on my skin. Don’t pay heed to the feather light touches that she’s gliding across the offending area, don’t listen to the heavy concern which makes her words weigh like boulders on my ears.

As she touches my knee cap I really do forget. I hiss and screw my eyes shut, let another of those whimpers creep past my lips. “Jeez that hurts.”

“I get that…” She stops prodding and I let my eyes open. See the picture of concern that she has become. “…I think patrol might be over.”

“No shit? I was thinking we could head out to Restfield…” I whelp as she slaps her hand down on my leg. Try and keep the angry frown from crossing my features.

“Oh shit…” She’s looking at her hand, looking at my leg. “…I didn’t mean, I forgot…”

“And you bitched at me for getting distracted.” I pick up her arm with my hand, make a pointed gesture of taking it far away from my knee. And no, I’m not stupid. I don’t want her to think that I don’t want her touching me. I slip her hand onto the other knee, this time let my eyebrows out to play on purpose. “How about you rest it there B? You can squeeze away at that one all you want.”

The darkness isn’t enough to save her blushes, but then it never was. I’m not surprised as she moves her hand. It’s funny to watch her work out where to put it, finally letting it fall to her side. Kind of rigid. Kind of like she’s working at keeping control.

I know the feeling well.

For the second that it feels like awkward silence might descend I worry again at all to say. Where to start. And again it’s her that pulls the first words from her mouth. “Can you walk home on the leg? Cos we can always call Xander… he won’t mind bringing the car round…”

“Nah. It’s cool… just give me a minute yeah.” I stretch out my leg to prove that I can and smile my hardest through the wincing. “I’ll be great in a minute. Good as new.”

She doesn’t look convinced but it doesn’t really matter. I’ll crawl at her side if I have to. I slide my way along the gravestone and make room for her to sit. It seems only fair that she gets a seat too. She’s got a sore shoulder, remember?

And it’s comfortable silence now. In a moment I’ll start to speak, but for this second I can wait. Just happy to be sat with her. Yeah. On a gravestone in the middle of the cemetery. It makes me laugh just a touch. Makes her question my motives.

“I was just thinking how nice it is B.”

“How nice what is?” And she genuinely does look all sorts of interested. So I keep to my track of honest and open.

“This… just being here, with you… and none of the aggro.” She’s looking at me and not away. Listening to me. “It’s nice.”

“Yeah. You know Faith?” I shake my head. I don’t know. “It really is nice. The no aggro… just being here.”

They weren’t words shouted out loud, they barely made it past her lips. But to me? I felt them as if she had hollered them. And I’m smiling again. “I did tell you, work on less hostile and we can find the fun.”

“Hey…” She knocks her shoulder into mine, I guess it really doesn’t hurt so bad. “…I said it was nice, I never mentioned any fun!”

I try my best at keeping the talk light and free. Nothing that will weigh us down in a moment when everything feels so easy. Of course it happens though. My words leading us to places that I wanted to get to. Even if it hurts a little, I wanted us to get here. To get to say words that mean something.

She’s telling me more about coming back. Her eyes far away and haunted as she talks of being dead. I don’t want graphics, but I can’t help but feel her as she throws in a comment about digging her way from the grave.

I remember laughing. I remember taking a small piece of pleasure from guessing at her pain. But now? Now it hurts me just to imagine. Being in the ground. It’s fucked up. It’s the place that the fucking vamps come from, not the slayer.

I wanna ask if it’s different. If she still feels like her… underneath all the crap. I wait till her voice has paused in it’s monotone. Until the air has stopped echoing with the distress of her tale. Her eyes burn into me as the words leave my mouth, showing sadness. A whole freaking show of sadness.

“Yeah… sure, I still feel like me.” She leans back and takes a big old breath in. Blows it back out as a sigh. “I have the same life, how could I feel any different?” I shrug my shoulders, I don’t know. “But… heck, there’s things, emotions… things which used to make me happy and now can’t make me smile… things like that make me wonder too…” I smile just a touch and offer a nod. I want her to keep talking. This is what I want. I want to be let in. “…I always felt alone before Faith, as the slayer… apart from everyone… but now it’s just worse. I feel truly alone. Not just as the slayer… as me. Buffy… I just feel alone.”

And I join her sigh with a chorus of my own. I wanna bite my tongue, don’t want to provoke a moment that isn’t close… but damn it. Her words are wrong. And I have to tell her.

“That’s crap.”

“You what?”

“I said it’s crap… don’t get me wrong, I read the handbook too…”

“You read the handbook? The ‘slayer’ handbook?”

“Sure, and that’s just it…” I’m nodding my head and looking to find my point. “…I read that stupid thing from cover to cover…”

“Why does everyone get the handbook except me?”

“You didn’t get it?” Well that’s messed up. I thought she was text book girl, and it turns out she never even read the text? Her head is shaking confirming her point. It doesn’t change mine. “That’s not important B, you know the story…” I run it through my head. “…‘one girl, blah blah, evil evil, all alone’” I pause for a second. “That is the same story right?”

“Yes, nice focus on the alone part Faith.”

I grin some sarcasm. It’s easy to feel the shift in the air. As she moves from comfortable, to waiting on attack. “You’re the one with the screwed up focus.”

Her eyes are narrowing. “You want to explain that?”

I sure as hell do. I always wanted to explain this one. “It’s just you B… do you not get it?” I watch her shake her head. “Every single time… every single fucking time that I hear you say those words, that you say that you’re alone…” I try and push confrontation from my tone. Let my true feelings rest there. Appeal to her with truth in my eyes. “…it feels like you’re denying me, denying who I am, what I am…”

“Denying you..?” Her brows got knitted into confused again and I work to explain it out.

“Buffy, god… when I was called, that first minute… it’s like I knew I wasn’t alone. I knew I shared my power… I just didn’t know where. And then coming here… seeing you?” I look at her again, still open. Still honest. “It’s like I got it straight away.”

I sigh my way through a montage of memories. “My whole fucked up life I felt alone B… as a kid, growing up, alone was all I ever knew… the minute I found you was the minute that stopped.” I swallow the lump that wants to sit in my throat. “So hearing you say that you’re all alone? It pisses me off. It hurts me.”

I sit back and wait on the backlash. It comes, but it doesn’t sting. It’s less then I expected. Nothing like I expected. “But you’re the one that left me Faith… you were the one that turned ‘this’…” She’s motioning between the two of us as if I need her to point out what ‘this’ is. “…into something else. You know what I thought of you Faith… don’t make out like I was the one that denied you.”

I want my knee to work. I wanna jump down from here and gesticulate and shout and use my hands to throw my frustration around the damn cemetery. I was the one that denied her? As it is I turn as much as I can, don’t care that this close proximity is enough to have me almost grazing noses with her again. This isn’t about that. Not this bit. “Don’t bullshit yourself B, you were stuck in denial from the second I got here… ‘this is my life, my town’… it was all you ever offered me.”

Her knee does work and she does jump down. Does gesticulate and bring the hands into play. “No way! I admit… maybe at the beginning, I was… ‘frosty’, maybe… but at the end Faith?” I wonder if she means the end with the knife. “I wanted nothing more then you at my side, to share things with you… it was you who went evil…”

“Well it was you that fucking pushed me there!” She just stands and glares. I wanna pull the words back, but hell. We’re big girls now. We can deal with the truths.

“I never pushed you, I wanted to help you… we all wanted to help you!”

“You wanted to feed me to Angel.”

I know we’re dealing in different time zones… but it hurts. It always hurt. My tone must have placated some of her anger, maybe it was my words. Whatever it is she’s stopped throwing her hands around, has brought them up to her head. For a second she covers her eyes and I wonder if I haven’t gone too far… haven’t taken this moment just a moment too far. When she pulls away her hands and holds my gaze firm, then I feel as if she is beseeching me to believe.

“I never wanted to feed you to Angel…”

“Yes. You did.” I remember. I remember the hate that she hit me with that night. The all out war. Me pushing, daring her to play the game my way. I never would have stabbed her in the guts and fed her to a vamp though. I was evil as shit but I never would have done that.

I pull my mind back from the path it’s fallen upon. It’s not right for me to sit and judge… to question the actions I forced her into. I open my mouth to take it back… to say it’s ok.

“No Faith, wait…” I meet her eyes and they’re still beseeching. “…you’re right, don’t think that I don’t know that. I was wrong, I handled everything wrong…”

I wanna hold up my hand and stop her but I’m too busy keeping my mouth from hanging open to manage it. Are these words really hers?

“…everything was happening so fast, I couldn’t believe you were with him instead of us… and then you shot Angel, it just span out of control…”

I remember the moments joy at shooting him. Hitting him in the chest. Filling him with the poison. I handled a lot of things wrong too.

“…I think I went a little insano girl too.”

I nod at that. I can believe it. I don’t think about speaking, I just hear my words. They sound so tired, and for an instant it doesn’t sound like me. Doesn’t sound carefree and full of life. It just sounds weary. World weary. Life weary. “Do you think we’ll ever get past it B? Do you think you’ll ever…” I can’t say it.

“Forgive you?”

I look up. “Yeah… that.”

She takes her time and I want her to. I don’t want things that tomorrow won’t mean anything. I want her to think and to mean it with all that she is. I’m holding my breath waiting, just watching her stood before me. Her eyes as they flick back to me, her mouth as it starts to move. “I believe that you’ve changed Faith, is that enough for now? I’m not saying I don’t forgive you or that I won’t… just…” She’s walked back close enough for me to touch. Balanced precariously in my space. I don’t make a move, not a sound. “…just can we do this slow? Can we do it right?”

She’s asking me?

I let the air out from my lungs. Offer her a little smile. “I wanna do this right B.”

And she’s smiling back. And I wanna jump from this tomb and crush her in my arms. Want to tell her that I’m gonna do everything right from now on, that for just the chance of this is all that’s kept me going. I don’t though. I don’t know if I can make more words, if the lump that keeps bobbing in my throat isn’t gonna explode into tears that nobody needs.

I try a cough to clear the feeling. Ignore the look that shows me she knows. “You wanna try and motor? Get the invalid back to base?”

“Nope…” She’s shaking her head and coming in closer, perching herself back in the space right next to me. “…I wanna take another look first, see if it is ok to move you. We can still call Xander.”

I grunt displeasure as she pokes and prods me again. It hurts but I’ll manage. I always have done. “It’s fine, really B…” I catch the raised look, the disbelief. “…look, we’ll get through here and if it still hurts we’ll call the gang ok?”

I like the approval that she nods my way. Her little look of consideration. “You know Faith, I could get used to this talking sense, it’s nice.”

“It is?” More approval. More smiles from me. “It’s Cordy, you spend enough time with her then you have to make sense, it’s either that or end up feeling stupid.”

“I can imagine.” She helps me as I slide off of the tomb, shoots me a sympathetic look as I whimper more distress. “Are you sure you can do this?”

“No.” I grin a little but I do mean it. It fucking hurts. She moves around and she’s supporting me again. Taking my weight. I’m facing her, she’s facing me, I’m in her arms, and I can see the worry that won’t leave her eyes. I have to speak. “I won’t hurt you again, I promise I won’t hurt you again…”

“Faith, don’t…”

“No B, I want to say it.” I see her breathe deep, it’s nothing like the breath I just took. “I’m sorry Buffy, for all of it, everything… I’m sorry.”

I feel her go tense in my arms, my own body stiffening just as much as hers. I’m praying I didn’t just make the biggest mistake yet. Didn’t push it that extra inch too far when I was doing so well. It just felt like the moment to say it. To reassure her.

Her eyes when she shows me them are coated in pain. Lashes sparkling with the dash of tears that haven’t fallen. And I’m so sick of me causing this pain. Any pain for her. My sigh sounds more like a groan, and I know she’s wondering why. Can I say sorry for saying sorry?

I close my eyes on all I caused and go to find my way out of the hole. She stops me, relaxes her body and finds a nice fit. Not just supporting my weight, but holding me steady. “No… Faith…” I don’t wanna look. Don’t wanna see what the ‘no’ is for. “…just wait.”

Well it’s not like I can pull away without collapsing.

The dashes of tears are slipping into streams now and I don’t understand. She speaks again and I hold my breath to hear everything. “It’s ok… what you said? It’s ok.” I want to ask why with the tears then. Why with the pain? “You just, you caught me unguarded… I wasn’t expecting it…”

Her words are lost as I pull her closer. She isn’t rejecting me. Isn’t beating me to death. She’s wrapping her arms tighter around me and I just want to revel in the moment. Let the second be enough. Pretend I can’t hear the sniffles which are leaking out onto my shoulder. I can hear them though, know that my happiness isn’t shared by her. That I’m still making her hurt.

I edge back from the hold, slide an arm up from her body to cradle her face, implore her without words to look at me. Listen to me. I slip my thumb across her cheek and wipe away a tear track. Hold her eyes steady. I don’t know where the words are coming from, but they’re the truth. The open and honest. How I’m feeling. “This has to stop B… okay?”

Her eyes narrow into mine, and I offer her more. “These tears, this pain. I don’t want anymore tears Buffy.” I motion again with my hand to the space between us. The thing between us. “This… us? Whatever it is, whatever it might be… it has to stop hurting. I want to stop hurting you.” Her tears have found fresh tracks, as if each of my words are hurting her more. I let my forehead fall to hers, compose myself to say the words that have to be said. “If you tell me to go Buffy, if you say that this is enough, this is the end… if it’s easier for me to not be here… just tell me to go.”

My own tears are finding a place now. I don’t want this but I have to give her the choice. If it’s best for her then I’ll give it to her. I’ll walk away. “Just tell me it’s what you want and I’ll go.”

It feels like a death sentence as I stand waiting to hear. As I feel her arms slip to looser around me. The sigh that seems to seal my fate. I wanna take it back. Pull the words back. I hear her sniff, pull back my face to see her say the words. “No Faith, I don’t want you to go.”

What? I step back. What else can I do. She’s just sucker punched me with everything I wanted to hear. As soon as my leg touches ground I remember my knee. Remember what took me to her arms in the first place. I go to collapse and she’s there again. Holding me again.

“Say it again.”

Because maybe I heard wrong. Maybe it was a trick of the wind. A lie carried on the breeze. Teasing my ears. Teasing my heart.

She’s smiling at me funny and it makes me smile too. Even before she says it again. “I want you to stay Faith, I don’t want you to go.”

Each word so succinct. So easy to understand. So easy to answer. “Then I’ll stay B, I’ll stay as long as you need me.”

She pulls me in tight and I stumble against her. Make a hash of this, our first ever real embrace. But it doesn’t matter… nothing matters anymore. I let my nose open up to find her scent beneath the cover. Even the rank odour of double meat not enough to mask it from me.

My head shoots up at the sudden noise. My neck cracking to the left as I hear the steady clap of applause. Buffy’s tensed against me again, both of us on alert. Already replacing heartfelt with slayer felt.

When I see him I want to kill him. Just the way his vibe rolls across the ground to reach me. The safety of B’s arms becoming less so by the minute. She’s still so tense, frozen with her eyes boring into him. “Spike…” She spit’s the sound from her mouth and I agree.

“Well isn’t this just a picture of touching.” His hand goes to the place his heart doesn’t beat and I wonder if he’s showing me the way. Marking a target. “I wondered where you’d been slayer… you don’t call, you don’t visit…”

“Not now Spike.” Her words come out firm and harsh. She turns her body from me to face him, her arm still resting to give me a brace.

“Not now Buffy?” He starts to encroach on our space, sizing her up, stalking her. His eyes are travelling to places that they’ll never have the right to go to. I want to step up, to stand him down. I test again the limits of my pain and shake Buffy’s arm from me.

The movement catches his eye, makes his gaze of depravity slip and slide across my own skin. Makes that twisted smile rest freely on his lips. He doesn’t speak to me though, all his comments are pointing at Buffy. “What’s this then love? Got yourself a new whipping boy…”

And what the fuck does that mean?

His expression is slipping between hate and hurt. The dead fucker looks almost wounded. And it all makes sense! The dumb fuck is in love with the slayer! I almost laugh as the realisation hits me, as the whole fucking irony hits me. Angel would freak. I want to freak! This thing? This thing even dares to think of her like that?

She doesn’t move, doesn’t speak. Still tense. Eyes still boring.

He’s the same. Both of them frozen. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

“B..?”

Wherever she was she comes straight back to me. Her head swinging to catch my eye. To offer a smile just brief. And then back to him, this time with words. “Spike, I said not now… I’ll speak to you later.” He goes to say something else and she cuts him at the chase. “No, Faith’s hurt… I’m taking her home.”

His hand goes to his jacket and on instinct I go for my stake. He slides his eyes to me again. Smiles again. Slowly pulls out his smokes and lights one. “I’ll just be on my way then ladies…” It’s agony as he turns and leaves. My gut is screaming one thing. The one thing I can’t do. When he speaks again it’s as close to temptation as I’ve come. “…I’ll be waiting for you Buffy.”

Those words again. Waiting for her?

Neither of us move as he slopes away. I smell the smoke long after he goes and it leaves the bitter taste I remember so well aching in my throat. She eventually turns back to me, her arms again looking to help me take weight. I want to say something. To take us back, back to the moment before he came along.

Of course I walk in silence.

All the way to my house and we’re coated in silence. Her body keeping me warm, yet her lack of words chilling me somewhere deep. I want to hear her secret.

I tell myself I don’t know her secret. Won’t listen to my own mind forming the words.

I let her half carry me as we lead up the steps to the door. Let her slide the key into the lock and open the door. Then I call for Cordy. I fucking pray for Cordy.

Her face as she sees me is a picture alright. She’s clucking concern, rescuing me from the awkwardness I was starting to feel. Buffy’s arms slip from me and I hold back my tears. I smile. I wink. I show her that I don’t know her secret.

Her eyes are wavering as she bids me goodnight. Her hand freezing in that void that lies somewhere between us. I could raise my hand to meet hers, but I don’t. I lean harder on Cordy, wince out some pain. It covers it. Camouflages it.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Buffy.”

She lets her hand drop and offers me a look of confusion. Pain. “Faith?”

“I’m just beat.” I smile again. Every lie I’ve ever told paling against this one. “We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

She smiles back at me. Not full watt. I still see the confusion. Maybe understanding? But she accepts it and turns to leave.

As soon as the door shuts I’m down. Down and out. I let Cordy usher me onto the sofa, let her fuss around my knee some more. She doesn’t ask questions, she knows me well enough to know when not to. I’ll talk when I’m ready to talk.

For now I just want to rest. Need to rest.

There’s a puzzle in my brain and the pieces are starting to fit. To slide into place, all edges meeting. I don’t like the picture I’m seeing. The image as it takes shape unbidden against the back of my eyelids.

I wished I knew all of her secrets. Now I just wish I could take it back.

Chapter 16

POV Tara

Today was better then yesterday. An easy statement to make. After all, today didn’t begin with a stakeout till dawn. Didn’t begin with the vicious retching of the woman I love. She was calmer today. Her shoulders firm from noon until night, as if holding her body steady would allow her to dispel the sickness from within. To keep a hold on all the feelings which threaten to overwhelm her.

I know how hard it is for her. She told me. About how it feels, when her body gives over to it, lets the power run rampant along all of her senses, the coiling inside, the need to give in… she told me it all with tears in her eyes. Tears of guilt, tears of apology, tears of pleading.

Every time I touched her I could feel it. Like a bad taste on my skin, just below hers. It made her hot, it made her cold, skin clammy against my soothing fingers. I still held her though, still let her words run over my ears as the tears ran from her eyes. It’s hurting both of us and I want it to stop.

I don’t know what to do.

I can’t promise that it will all be okay, I can’t promise that nothing bad will ever happen, I can’t promise her that the temptation will never again come knocking at the door. All I can do is promise her that I love her, that I believe in her. That I see her strength and it keeps me strong.

I can’t make her believe me.

So small she looked wrapped in sheets, centred on the bed, brow furrowing as she tried to hear what I had to say. Tried to deny it with words which sprang from the fear.

‘I’m not strong Tara… how can you say that, you saw what I did, what I wanted to do…’

Of course I did. I felt it more. The chill that swept through the room as evil had perched upon her shoulder, it had reached right through to my core. The pain of cuts and bruises nothing compared to the pain of hearing her lose herself. Surrender herself.

I had taken her back into arms. ‘Yes baby, you are. You’re my strength.’

And I said it so many times that it became a mantra. So many times that the words threatened to lose all their meaning. What more can I do? What else can I say?

I stayed with her until the sadness started falling and her lips began to rise. Just touches at first, her mind clearing from the leftover haze to leave it free to be her. Uniquely her. My smiles growing as hers did. As talk moved away from what she couldn’t do, to things that we were going to do. School talk. Home talk. I’m coming home talk.

That’s when it sealed the deal. The deal with her face to light at my words. The smile no longer tugging but firmly held in place. No hint of blackness in eyes as they danced with the joy of some happiness.

‘You’re coming home?’

‘If that’s what you want… it IS what you want right?’

My voice had slipped into timid, a moments insecurity blanketing me with the girl I was in the past. Even I wasn’t always strong, even I hadn’t learnt completely how to bury demons in the past. I don’t know that anyone ever truly does. I think we pretend, we pretend and we hope. Hope that nothing comes along to rock our boat, to remind us that the demons are there just waiting for the slip. For just a moments look in.

The arms that found me weren’t soft and gentle, they were fast and furious, wrapped in the sounds of Willow’s joy, of her absolute approval of my returning to the coop. Admonishing me for questioning that what was obvious, the thing that she wanted the most.

It wiped the fears from my heart, reminded me again that I had love. For her and from her. It made me forget about monsters and pranksters, the things that go bump… it made me think of another kind of bumping. A touch I had missed. Hands trembling as they sought to find a way from nervous to sure. To reacquaint themselves with skin they knew so well, grooves they had mapped, sighs they had produced.

Not the frantic pace of burning lust, not the nervy pace of tentative beginnings. Our own pace. Kissing places out of sight, pleasure mixed with giggles mixed with the thing that feels like salvation. Yes she was my strength. And yes she gave me strength. In the moments when I believed my caresses would bring her back to me, she brought me back to her. Burned her love back into my body. Made me whole again.

Her words slipped over my ears as she held me, special words, secret words. Things which made me blush. Things which make me smile to remember. A special welcome home. It cocooned us in our bedroom for hour upon hour, missing sunshine, missing sunset. The gurgles of tummies nothing in comparison to the pounding of our hearts. Sating one hunger before another could be dealt with.

And downstairs. Sisters smiling, wrapped on the couch and watching a movie. Easy to believe that everything was better. That Buffy’s eyes didn’t latch onto mine the moment that I appeared, that her gaze wasn’t imploring me to find time for her. That she needed to speak to me again. I nodded my silent approval, mouthed the word ‘later’, watched her own silent nod of reply, and then followed her eyes as they slipped back to the TV. Her arms as they slid tighter around Dawn.

I let them have their moment. Went to the kitchen and made food for my girl. All on a tray, lovingly prepared. I listened as the movie ended, as voices rose in chatter and laughter, sisterly sniping, things seemingly back in place. I wanted to confirm it for them, prove that we were going to get better, that everything was starting to get better. I waited until I had passed them again, threw my comment over my shoulder as I went to climb the stairs. ‘Oh, and guys… just so you know, I’ll be moving back in.’

I think Buffy shrieked louder then Willow. I know that Dawn did. I backed up against the wall and held Willow’s dinner in the air as the crazy excitable youth leapt her way towards me.

“Oh my god, you are? Oh wow! This is so great…” Like a puppy, jumping, yelping, running back to stand in front of Buffy. “…isn’t this great Buffy? Tara’s moving back in!”

And Buffy’s less excitable but no less heartfelt agreement. “Yes Dawnie, that’s great.” Her eyes as they had sought out mine, full of love. Of smiles. Everything feeling like home.

The evening passing slowly as I stayed in our room, eating, playing. Holding my girl until she slipped into rest. A smile still on her face, a flush still on her skin. It made me never want to leave her, made it hurt to slip from her arms and wrap myself in a robe. But I said that I would make time for Buffy and I like to do as I say.

I don’t know if she was waiting for me. Sat at the table her eyes lost in a book.

“Buffy?”

Her gaze flicked to mine, back to the book. “You know I have no clue what this book is about? I’ve been reading it for the last half an hour and I have no clue what it’s about…”

I leant across her shoulder to see what it was. Laughed out loud as I realised she had been reading one of Willow’s books on quantum physics. “I think you got the wrong book, the research pile is that one.” I pointed out her mistake, one pile for research, one pile for homework. Watched as she coloured just a little.

“Oh, ok… and I knew that, I wanted to read up on some uh…” She peered down at the page she was ‘reading’, a deep frown knitting her brow. “…uh… what’s that word say Tara?”

I laughed a little again at the look on her face, didn’t even bother to try and decipher the words for her. I knew that this was just distraction, keeping her mind occupied, away from all those things that she didn’t want to think about.

“How about we forget the physics and I make us tea?”

“Now? You don’t have to Tara, I get with Willow, and you, and the making up goodyness… I can wait.” She was nodding her head to accentuate her words. “Go on… get back to your girl!”

Tempting? Of course it was. It didn’t happen though. Being there for someone means being there when they need you. Not when you have the time. I made the tea. Urged her through to the couch and settled her down.

“So what’s going on? Is it Faith?”

I’m not stupid. I know that they had patrol last night. Together. I know Buffy was late home.

“Am I really that obvious?”

“Easier to read then the quantum physics.” She took it as the joke it was, smiled a little as she blew on her tea. I let her take a moment to compose whatever it was she wanted to say. Watched her face as she went to speak. Stopped. Opened her mouth. Stopped. I could see the internal struggle to make herself form words. I didn’t rush her, didn’t prod her into action. I just waited.

Finally when her words did come she spoke them with conviction. Eyes locked into mine as if demanding that I hear her. “I have feelings for Faith.”

Five little words which weren’t said to convince me. It was something I already knew, had already accepted. These were words spoken to assure herself. To confirm for herself that it was the truth. I put my hand to hers and held it through the resulting silence. Let her keep the platform to speak all of her words.

“It sounds crazy saying it… but then, I don’t… it feels ‘right’ saying it.” She drew in a breath, spoke it again. “I have feelings for Faith.”

She smiled into my eyes, an unsure smile. It made me want to assure her. “Buffy, it feels right because it’s the truth…” Still unsure. “…it’s so easy to see, so obvious to see, why are you fighting it? Why can’t you just accept it?”

She laughed a little of her laughs, “You want to know?” Of course I did, I nodded my yes, urged her on. “It’s because I’m scared… I’m terrified Tara, all of it, I’m so damn scared.”

“Of Faith… because she was…” I flicked through mad, bad, crazy and psycho. Settled on something less damning. “…unstable?”

And that certainly made her laugh more. “Unstable? Are you kidding me? She was crazy Tara, I mean really, REALLY crazy, knocking on the door of insanity.” Her face was alight as she spoke, as if seeing it again, before her eyes. It didn’t stop the smile though. “But no, that’s not it… I get that’s she’s changed, that she’s the girl I first met and not the monster we made her.”

Those words had spoken volumes to me. I’d never heard anyone take any of the responsibility for what had gone wrong with Faith before now. It had only ever been incriminations. What the girl herself had done. I took it as a positive. That Buffy was accepting finally that every story, no matter how one sided, always had many dimensions.

“So if not that, then what Buffy… what’s to be scared of? You know she has feelings too…”

“I don’t know, I can’t… it’s like…” I saw the briefest flash of pain, just flickering, just a moment. “…I was dead, completely dead… compost dead, and I’ve been dealing with that. Badly I know, but I’ve been trying. And now? Oh god… there is so much to feel, things I can’t help feeling… so strong, I just… it’s overwhelming Tara, I feel so overwhelmed.”

I hadn’t heard Buffy use the word feeling so much in one go since… well, since forever. “But you wanted to feel Buffy. You said you wanted to feel.”

“I know, and I do… just… what if it all goes wrong? What if it’s all too much?.”

That was an assurance I couldn’t offer. Nobody could. “Sometimes things do go wrong, it doesn’t matter how much you don’t want it to… how much it hurts.” I knew it was truth. “But you have to take the risk, because when it does work?” I thought upstairs to the one that awaited me. “When it works Buffy it’s the best thing ever. It’s everything.”

I saw her contemplating. Taking in the only advice I could offer. “Wills is so lucky to have you, you do know that?”

“I’m lucky to have her too, it goes both ways.”

I heard her agree. Confirm both of our luck at having each other. “It’s nice to have my beacon shining bright again… helps with the fear.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Doesn’t help so much with the what I do now though.”

She took a moment to drink some more tea. I tried to think of ways to guide her with choices, but I didn’t know either. There was only one way I ever knew to approach any problem. The one time I had dismissed this, things had almost gone wrong. No. Open and honest had to be the way. The only way.

“You should talk to her, tell her how you feel maybe?”

“We did talk… kind of, there was words, whole sentences…” She trailed off, looked confused. “…I told her Tara, I think…”

“You think?”

“I told her I wanted to do this slow, to do it right…” She was nodding her head along with her words. Confirming that her memories were correct. “…and then there was hugging, which was nice, comforting… but then.” Now the nodding stopped and confused returned. She sank back into the sofa with a soft sigh. “I don’t know… she offered to leave, I said I wanted her to stay… then Spike was there.”

“Huh?” I nearly choked on my tea. Spike was there? “Did you just say Spike was there?”

“I know, crazy huh? A vampire walking through the cemetery late at night.” She laughed at her own humour, a bitter little laugh. “And at that moment? Talk about bad timing…”

“Did he… say anything?”

She filled me in on the exchange. The vibe. Her horror at standing between the two of them. Her fear at the secret she held inside. Her fear at Faith knowing. Of having to tell her.

“I can’t even stand it myself Tara, when I think about all that I’ve let him do to me… all the times that he’s touched me, it makes me so sick, so ashamed. How can I expect her to hear that and not…”

“Not what Buffy?”

“I don’t know. Not hate me? It makes me hate myself.”

I shushed down her concern. Reminded her that there were reasons she had gone to Spike. Things that she was dealing with. It didn’t make her a bad person. It didn’t make her unlovable.

“But what if it does? What if now I’ve realised, now I’ve finally began to see all that she means to me… what if it’s too late?”

I couldn’t answer that. There was only one person who could answer that. “I think you’re gonna have to ask Faith that one. I don’t know… but the feeling that neither of you can hide, maybe you should trust in it… trust in her. Tell her.”

Her eyes had flashed much more pain. I didn’t envy her position, having to risk all the new things she was feeling because of something she had done. Mistakes she had made. Faith had come here hoping for forgiveness. Now Buffy would have to step up and maybe do the same.

“I have to see Spike first.”

“What?” I wondered if maybe she wasn’t a little unstable too. “I don’t think that seeing Spike is the best idea right now sweetie.”

“Oh no! Not like that… I mean, I have to tell him. I haven’t seen him, I need to tell him no more… that it’s over.” Her voice was solid and steady, sure in it’s words. “I can’t go to Faith, I can’t expect anything from her until it’s finished.”

There was a definite sense to the words she was speaking, but I didn’t want her to go near him again. I didn’t trust him. No one else knew that he could hurt her, the things he was capable of doing to her… and I hated that she would be putting herself into that situation. I had seen the way that he looked at her. That naked carnal want in his eyes… the ownership. It gave me fear. Fear for her.

“Buffy, are you sure you should do that? That it’ll be ok?” I didn’t want to say ‘that he won’t hurt you’, but then I didn’t need to. It was obvious to her what I meant.

“I’m still a slayer, Tara. And he is just a vampire… you really think I can’t handle that?”

Physically? Yes. I did believe, but then emotionally? Mentally? I wasn’t so sure. I didn’t know what kind of hold he had held over her, what had made her keep returning to him when her family was at home waiting. “Are YOU sure you can handle it?”

She smiled with her eyes as she assured me yes. “It’ll be fine. Trust me!”

So I had tried to. It didn’t stop the worry in the back of my mind though. That she shouldn’t be so hasty, shouldn’t assume that he would just let her go. Just like that.

We finished up our tea with more talk of Faith. Buffy filling me in on times that I had never before heard about. Before Faith had gone ‘unstable’ as she was now laughingly calling it. Times when she had felt so free, so relaxed at the side of the other slayer. How different they were, how similar they were… how special they were.

I wanted to prod and to tease that she had it bad. I restrained myself though. It was too new a realisation for her, for me to poke fun at. Instead I sat through the commentary of years gone by, listened to the silence when she hushed herself for the hard bit. Not wanting to keep reliving it, keep speaking it. Happier to remember the time before.

She yawned as she rose and stretched herself out. “Do you think the higher powers will hate me if I don’t patrol tonight?”

“Don’t be silly, you deserve a rest. And if they do start hating I’ll appeal on your behalf. Deal?”

“Sounds better then patrolling, works for me.”

Always so focused on duty. If it hadn’t already proven the case I’d worry that one day it would get her killed. Now I just prayed that it never happened again. That dying once, twice was enough for any girls lifetime. Even the ‘one girl’ in all the world.

We walked the stairs together. Last little chatters about this and that. Not important, all just easy. I watched her go to her room, offered her good night. She wiggled her eyebrows and offered me a better one. Welcomed me home again.

As I closed the door to my room I left all of the problems outside. Willow was sleeping and she looked so lonely in the moonlight. Pale skin reflecting. It was the easiest thing in the world to go to her, to find my place holding her. Feeling her relax back into my arms, jumbling words of love spoken through snoozing. I let myself relax with her and spoke words of my own. Words just for her.

It was the truth that I had told Buffy. When it works it’s the best thing ever. It’s everything.

POV Faith

Today, yesterday, the day before..? It all blurs into one. One long scene filled with the things I didn’t want to see. The knowledge I didn’t want to know. It kept me housebound better then the knee ever could. It hurt worse then the knee ever could. It’s all just fucked up.

I tell myself that I don’t know. That it’s not the truth. Not the secrets she seeks to hide. But I do know. The pieces fit. It all fits.

I remember standing outside of his crypt. That feeling, the burning. The intensity. Makes sense now though. She was in there. It was her I was feeling. Nothing else. Never anything else.

I block the memory of seeing her after. Of believing I was the one for her to crash against. To catch her when she fell. Now I just want to move aside. Want to let her pass me and never look back. The way I thought it would be. Maybe the way it should be.

Jesus! I wanted to kill him for the way that he looked at her. To stand in front of him and offer her protection. Block his view. Keep the monsters at bay. And that just shows how much of a fucking chump I am. Really fucking sweet. The way that his eyes slid? God, the fucking way that his eyes seemed to devour her? It’s not his eyes I see now though, now it’s all of him.

And I just can’t stop seeing him. At her, on her, in her. It fucking rips at me, squeezing my heart in the tightest of vices, tainting the air that I breathe with the taste of his sickness. At least now I know why the fucker keeps on grinning at me. Sardonic grin? Fuck that. I see it now as a satisfied grin. The look that says he has it all. Has had it all. Makes me wanna puke. Again.

All the god damn hours that I’ve sat in my place awake have taunted me. Showing repeats of the things I have never seen, but that I keep seeing over and over. I wonder if she enjoyed it. If she cried out for him, screamed for him, dug in her hands and pulled him in tighter. Closer. If she loved every minute of it. A part of me says that she must of done. She kept going back for more right? Gotta figure that she’s been scratching her itch there for more then a while. Maybe since she clawed her way back, clawed her way out. Seems fucking pointless, all that effort to break ground and then rolling with something that belongs underground. It’s whacked.

It’s got me fucking whacked.

Whacked into numbness. Even when I believe it, I can’t fucking believe it! I wanna ask why, how… Jesus. I don’t wanna know. It feels like a disease. The dead fucker has never laid a hand on me, but just visiting that place? For a second imagining his hands could ever touch me that way? Beyond diseased. I’d tear my skin off. I wanna tear my skin off.

How can I even begin to make sense of something that makes no sense?

Why?

Just tell me fucking why?

I remember little Dawn crying down the phone. That haunts me too. Knowing now what kept her sister at bay, what stopped her from being in the places she should’ve been. That part makes me angry. Old style angry. There just can’t be an explanation. How can there be an excuse for that? I can’t even think of a word for that.

I always thought that I was the wrong one. Even when I helped her taste some badness I was mocking her on the inside for all of her naivety, the innocence that kept her scared. The same innocence that took her from me. Pushed me from her. I’d play it different now. Damn fucking right I would. If I’d known how easy she gave it up for evil I would’ve swept her right up and blown her away.

I didn’t know though did I?

I tried to keep it cool, tried to keep it slow. Tried to fit into her life in a way that made her comfortable. In the background. Edging forwards, scared to make moves. Cocky bravado my only weapon.

Turns out I lost my heart to the girl and I didn’t even know her.

Not sure if I wanna know her. If it wouldn’t be easier to just walk away. Run away. Not for her, for me. I KNOW it would be easier. It’s wistful smiles that tug at my lips when I remember the sweet feel of distance. Of sanity.

Then I remember how it feels to walk away from responsibility. From duty. And I know I won’t be leaving. I won’t abandon the fight just because I can’t handle her. I did that before, when it started to go wrong. No. I’ll stay to protect Dawn, Tara. Whoever needs me. Pray that maybe someone can protect me.

Yesterday I was meant to see her. There wasn’t a chance in hell. Cordy rang through, offered explanations of knees of pain, lots of sleep. She sent me best wishes and said she would see me today. The fading of the daylight hours is making me wonder when. Wonder why. What sick little game she wants us to play.

I don’t think I can play pretend. Everything I feel is too real to hide. To stuff beneath smiles and smother with words. As soon as I see her face she’s gonna know that I know. And what happens after that is anybody’s guess.

I wanted to make everything better for her. Can she even begin to make this better for me? Stop me feeling the way that I feel? Cos at this moment it just doesn’t seem worth it. Too much pain in memories to give me the will to fight for something I’ve never had.

And then there’s the other kind of taunting. Not the daylight hours, the hours I sat here awake and thinking. No. As if that wasn’t hard enough. Even more taunting are the dreams. The ones that I had when I closed my eyes. The ones that wrapped me in warmth and made the daylight even harder to bear.

In my dreams I see the other side. The way her eyes have been watching me, following me. Beseeching me to trust in her, believe in her. To pull her up and hold her strong. All the things that I wanted to do, that I thought I was meant to do. Destiny right?

My destiny to love her.

My dreams show me that and I remember different truths. Not truths of secrets untold. Truths of words spoken, of the feeling felt. The truth of being the one that she crashed into, the one that caught her as she fell. The one that offered a hand and helped her up.

Her hands holding me steady. I feel that too. The silence of every moment when her gaze locks into mine. In anger, in pain. In everything. All those moments are silent for me, the rest of the world nothing in comparison to the feel of being at one with her.

God I’m fucked.

I want it so damn bad, more then anything, more then ever. I still want to be the one for her. For her to be the one for me. And then I see it again.

It’s the thing that crashes into me. The thing that sends me falling. Treading rope without a net. And every single fucking time I see that fucker there waiting to push me. His eyes. His smile. His gaze locking onto me. Silent too but a different kind of silence. His vibe that encloses me, daring me, ensnaring me… yeah I feel the darkness. Evil loves company and he’s got his fingers on all of evil’s buttons.

I wanna show him. Evil is as evil does and I can be so fucking evil. I’ve been there, I’ve done it, I’ve worn every T’shirt in every damn size. I want to let him push me and punish him with the result, that silent side is begging for him to push me. To call out the bad girl I’ve spent so long admonishing. My grin would be twice as sardonic as his as I slid home my stake. I wouldn’t give a fuck as he lay defenceless before me. Dust is just dust. I can’t feel anything for dust.

I lie. I fucking hate him.

I’m feeling a whole lot of hate. Makes me antsy.

I shared my own set of visions with Cordy. Her mouth agape as I slid her through the chain of events. Waited with pleading to hear her rebuke every theory. Assure me that yeah, I’m still kinda crazy, still kinda living with a screwed up view of the world. She didn’t though, she couldn’t. It’s like I said. All the pieces fit.

I told her and then I banished her. I don’t want soothing arms or soothing words. It’s all too raw to be soothed. I need answers first. Understanding. Something. Anything.

It kept me from speaking to Angel as well. I didn’t care how many times she banged on the door, how often she threatened to tell him I was losing it if I didn’t come out. I am losing it. I don’t care if she tells him. I laughed when she threatened to break down the door and spank some sense into me though. If my mind wasn’t occupied I would’ve assumed the position and invited her in. But it was occupied. Wading through the shit.

I’m so sick of the shit.

It makes me move now. Lets me smile as I realise my knee isn’t screaming. Make my way to the shower to rinse it all from me. Smell clean. Stay clean. No longer the slayer that rolls in the dirt. The one that’s coated in the bad stuff. I even smile just a little at the realisation that it’s me now looking down at her. Not because I want to smile, because I want to gaze down. But because it’s just so damn surreal. Me feeling more righteous then her?

Fuck smiling a little, I wanna howl with the laughter.

All that time that I believed that I was no good for her, that I wallowed somewhere on the floor, useless beneath her. Yes I killed people, and I know how wrong I was. How bad I was, would do anything to relive the past. And yet… and yet she chooses to be with him? An evil dead thing capable of more death, more pain, more destruction then I could ever get close to. She lets that fucker fill her with his ‘little bit’, and I am below her?

My perspective is screwed. Seems I’ve been viewing the world from the wrong way up. Everything back to front. Nonsensical.

I’m still shaking my head with the insanity of it all as I head for the kitchen. Nothing keeps a slayer’s appetite down. Not for too long. And the smell of the food that’s wafting it’s way? I’m starving.

She turns to look at me as soon as she hears me. Cordelia Chase in front of a cooker? Makes me smile. Makes her ask.

“What’s so amusing? I thought you were brooding?”

“Yeah, me too.” I offer a solemn nod. “Caught the smell of the cooking though and I just had to see for myself.”

“See what?”

“You, with the domestic…” I wave a hand vaguely in the direction of the pots and pans. “…do you even know what you’re doing?”

That earns a not so sweet smile. “If you were thinking about eating Faith I’d quit that road now… for your info I can cook perfectly well, I just choose not to.” She holds up her hand and wiggles her fingers. “It’s hell on the manicure, all that domestic stuff.”

I can imagine it’s a bitch. I look down at my own nails. Chewed through with the thoughts of the previous hours. I guess madness is hell on a manicure too.

I sit myself at the table and make small talk whilst waiting. The smell of the food making my mouth water with want. I hope she’s making lots. Whatever it is I hope there’s a feast. And she doesn’t disappoint. She very rarely does. All laid out before me, all the foods I love. Her eyes tell me it’s comfort food, so I stuff my belly full and let myself be comforted. It feels good. A bit better.

I let her steer the conversation anyway she wants, knowing where it’s going, small talk nothing to stand in her way. At least she lets me finish chewing before she starts on the questions. Barely lets me swallow.

“So what are going to do?”

“You expect me to know?” Because I really don’t. All of my ideas are vague ideas.

“You want me to offer suggestions?” She smiles a Cordy smile, eyes dancing. “Because I have lots of options…” She holds her fingers out and starts counting them off, matter of factly, one after the other. “…there’s the dusting for Spike of course, although I’ve considered maiming… prolonging the agony, maybe taking him to the salon and get him a sunbed?”

I wonder if it would work. I could say I didn’t know. Was just worried that his complexion was looking a bit pale… wanted to help. Makes me smile. As an option it doesn’t suck.

She counts through all of her fingers, every scenario more ludicrous then the last, all of them meant to keep me grinning. Keep me happy. Now that we’ve got through all of the fingers though? Now she’s dropping her voice to quiet. Serious replacing playfulness.

“Or you could go and talk to Buffy. Ask her straight out…”

That one doesn’t make me smile. It brings the pain crashing straight back.

“…give her a chance to explain. To give you her reasons.”

I want to scream out how fucking stupid that is. How I don’t even want to see her. Don’t need to see her. That my whole fucking world isn’t balancing on a pin head with the thought of seeing her. Asking her.

‘Hey B, fucked any dead guys lately?’

Is there an explanation for that? Is there any form of reasoning behind that.

“What would you do Cor?”

“What would I do?” She looks for a minute as if she is genuinely considering it. Gives me hope that she’ll have the right answer. “I for one would NEVER have fallen in love with Buffy ‘vamp fetish’ Summers… I mean, really? Not one vamp, but TWO… is there a word for that?”

Of course there is. “Necrophiliac.”

“Ewww… that’s sick… Buffy, layer of the undead…”

I let her carry on as long as she wants. I know in a minute her mind will catch up with mine. Await the blush as she remembers her own feelings for Angel. Considers that she could be heading for some necrophilia of her own…

It’s funny as the realisation sweeps into her tone. Onto her face. Her words changing to find a way out.

“…just one vamp, that would have been different, like… an experiment, but two…? Yep, you sleep with two, you must have a problem…”

“Uh-huh.” I don’t tease her, don’t rag on her for Angel. If those two have a shot at happiness then go for it. I won’t be calling any names. Passing any judgement. Angel is more of a man then any living breathing one I’ve ever met. The whole being undead thing is kinda easy to forget. To forgive.

I wish everything was as easy to forget. Didn’t make me sigh with the absurdity of the situation. I fix my eyes into Cordy’s and show her all that I’m feeling, hit her with the confusion, the pain, the hope, the hurt, the need… I show her everything. Catch that sympathetic smile in response.

“It’ll all work out Faith, whatever happens it’ll all work out.”

“Do ya have any visionary proof?”

“Not exactly… but my sixth sense is also pretty good, I’m getting the ‘it’s all gonna work out ’ vibe. You and Buffy are just so tragic that it has to work…” I have to agree. With the tragic bit. “…the only two girls in all the world with the same deal going on? I don’t wanna say ‘meant to be’… but…”

“Don’t say it Cordy. It’s that kind of thinking that brought me here in the first place.”

I watch her ease back. Stand from the table and start collecting dishes. I know what I have to do. Where I have to go. Not to him, not to seek vengeance for the pain that he’s caused me. But to her. For the answers. The reasoning. To see if I can stand before her and not feel revolted. If I can even bear to hear her form words. Offer the ones I need.

When I look up she’s staring at me. Another sympathetic glance. Another heavy sigh.

“Why does it all have to be so fucked up huh? Why can’t nothing ever just be easy?” I have to ask. Someone has to know.

She doesn’t. She shakes her head. “Faith, it’s not that simple, you know that. Things happen, good things, bad things…” Mostly bad things. “…it’s just another thing, another thing to be worked out. Solved. Sorted.”

“Yeah, simple as.”

“It’s as simple as you let it be. So Buffy’s screwed up, it’s not the end of the world, it just proves that she’s not perfect, that nobody is perfect.”

I know that she’s trying to reach me with those words, to jog memories of when I wasn’t perfect, when I made mistakes. But it’s too soon. For all I know Buffy doesn’t even think that it is a mistake. Really has loved every second of it.

It’s like I said, I know where I have to go. Who I need to see. The only place I can ever hope for answers.

It’s easy to stand strong now on my own two feet, not needing support, my knee barely remembering how bad it was busted. Seems two days in bed is good for the healing. And now it’s just my heart to go.

Cordy smiles when I tell her I’m heading, where I’m headed. “Just go slow Faith. Keep calm and go slow.”

It reminds me of Buffy’s words. ‘Can we do this slow, can we do this right?’ And now I have to find out if we can even do this at all. Keep calm. Go slow.

I arm myself with wood and head into the night. Not sure if I’m preparing myself for slaying, or preparing myself to go for him. Either way it’s good to be prepared. To be ready.

And now I’m standing outside of her house and I am ready. Ready to face her and ready to hear.

To tell her that I know her secret.

Chapter 17

POV Faith

I had knocked on the door firm and steady, had been prepared to face her, ready to face her. My moment, her moment. Everything out in the open, and where do we go from here? All the way over I had worked on composure. On slow and steady wins the race. Keep calm. Save face. And then the door had opened and the truth was put on show.

Not that Buffy had opened the door. How could she? She wasn’t even there.

It was Tara’s eyes that had found rest on me, had looked at the way I looked at her and confirmed already what I guessed I knew. And I saw her get it too, saw the mild flash of horror as she saw that I was already holding the knowledge. No more secrets. Can’t fool Faith. Except I already felt like a fool.

“Faith.” Not questioning, not greeting me. Just my name. Just slid between lips. I waited on more. Raised my eyebrows and leant myself against the porch. “Are you here to see Buffy?”

I let my head fall to the side. Sizing her up. Registering the discomfort she had at being held under my gaze. I wasn’t trying to intimidate her… she was just my first point of anger. The first one who fell under my spotlight, ready for the inquisition. I shook my eyes from her a little, didn’t want her to think that I was skating with crazy. Nodded my head. “Yeah, I’m here to see Buffy.”

I think I snarled over her name in ways that I didn’t mean to. Made Tara’s eyes widen for a minute with the worry of fear. She stepped back and claimed better composure than me, opened the door a little and invited me in. It was good of her, I wouldn’t have invited me in with the vibe I was giving off right then.

I took in the faces as soon as I was through the door. All of the gang, all cosy and sweet. Geek boy there again, sharing popcorn with Dawn. It was calm. All nice and happy. Of course my eyes searched for her, confirmed in minutes that she wasn’t in the room. It made me question Tara, made me want to go find her. “Where is she?”

It made them all look up. Like I shattered the calm with the steel in my voice. I watched them exchange glances. Xander the one with the balls to speak. To challenge my tone. “Uh… Faith, are you and Buffy fighting again? I thought you slay girls had flown past the aggro?”

I offered him a look. My face the canvas for showing how pissed I was.

“They’re fine Xander, I’m just going to take Faith through to the kitchen…” Tara was pulling at me as she spoke, dragging me away from the concern for my sanity which was obvious in the front room. “…have a little chat.”

I didn’t want a little chat though. I wanted direction. To find the one that I was looking for.

She was insistently moving me so I had to follow. Not speaking, just waiting. As soon as we stopped, I was asking again. “Where is she Tara?”

“Faith…” Said softly, said slowly. “…what’s going on?”

“You are joking right?” Because I wasn’t. I was finding it hard to even find a smile for her. She knew. Yeah she did, she knew what the secret was. She had stood back and watched me fall and had never said a word, never given me anything to hold me back. “You know what’s going on Tara. You know all of it.”

“All of it?”

Was she mad? I didn’t come here to play dumb. “All of it. Everything. The whole fucking sick little side show… tell me you didn’t know Tara, tell me that it’s not her secret..?”

I waited, I watched. Almost amused as she telegraphed all that I had already worked out. “How did you…”

“So that is it then?”

She seemed to deflate a little. Sigh a lot. She looked me in the eye and stepped towards me. I stepped straight back. “How long?”

She didn’t know what to do. Was left hovering in limbo as I backed away from any placating touches that she wanted to offer me. Her eyes were tearing up and I didn’t care a shit. Not one fucking bit. What the hell did she have to cry at? Was it her heart breaking in two? Her who had been made to feel like the chump of the century? Every fucking century?

Her mouth did the gaping fish movement, opening and shutting, not sure if she was struggling to find breath or struggling to find words. When they came they offered me nothing. “I… I think you should talk to Buffy, you need to speak to Buffy.”

I flirted with psychosis for just a second, tempted to scream out my absolute fucking dismay at lack of answers! I reeled it and sealed it. I was pissed but not mad. Not that kind of mad. Not yet. Tara didn’t deserve my madness. I would save it. I sighed out my aggression and tried to show her the face of the girl she had been getting to know. The one that could make her smile. Not recoil.

“I get that, so what gives? Where is she?”

And how does silence ever say so much?

It stretched into ridiculous. Her steadfast in refusal to speak the words. Me steadfast in refusal to speak his name. I wouldn’t ask. I wanted told. “Tara?”

“She’ll be back…” She glanced to the clock. “…soon. We have movies planned, she was going to call you… invite you and Cordy over…”

“Where the fuck is she!?”

Could I get any clearer? Did she think that I gave a shit about movies and invites? If B was where I was thinking she was, then no amount of movies would be able to pacify my feelings.

Tara’s eyes were darting back and forth, typical escape route planning. I stepped up. “Just say it.”

My tone sounded resigned. I was resigned. I think that she saw that. That it allowed her to speak. “She’s at Spike’s”

So whispered. So softly spoken yet hitting so hard. I felt the daze come over me, my whole body screaming the directions to his crypt. Images thrusting. What I would find there? What I would see?

I slammed my fist down on the counter harder then I meant to. My distaste demanding an immediate outlet. She jumped back, flew back. Started words again. “Look Faith… it’s not…”

“Don’t!” As cold as ice. “Don’t give me her god damn excuses.” I didn’t have time for them. I had walked my way here with hope as a companion, a sliver of belief that she could still make it better… could show me still that it was okay. That we could do this right.

There was only one thing that I knew I could do now. One place I could go. Where my body wanted me to go. It felt like slaying. The need. I turned from her to walk away. Stopped moving when she spoke. “Wait Faith.” I didn’t move. “Just go easy on her… give her a chance to explain…”

I didn’t look. Didn’t answer. Strolled towards the kitchen door.

And just guess what I found waiting outside? A little blonde fucking rat, ears all perked for listening. Holding a popcorn bowl, eyes the size of fucking saucers, the smell of fear sneaking from his pants. “What the fuck are you doing?”

He shrivelled before me. No sign of a backbone. “I uh… me?” He held up the bowl, his nervous gaze flitting everywhere but my eyes. “Popcorn.”

Bullshit. I stared some of my rage at him, watched him shrivel a whole more. If I had had the time I would have stayed and whacked some manners into him. Fucking eavesdropping? What kind of shit is that? As it was I just looked. Let him know that listening for gossip at my door was liable to get him dead. Soon. Wondered who he wanted to share my secrets with. Dawn? Guy bonding with Xander? What fucking ever.

I slinked past him and back through the tense front room. All eyes looking but not one having a clue. No one bold enough to speak to me. To even dare to question me. Tara could fill them in when I was gone. Or not. Wouldn’t want to let Buffy’s dirty little secrets out.

The fresh cooling air outside of the house did little to calm me. I was hearing the night time. The call of the darkness. It was easy to let it back in. Just a taster, just a remembrance of the things I had inside. The weapons at my disposal. I walked there without thinking direction, could have closed my eyes and let her pull me. Focusing on the sound of my boots pounding against earth, not the sound of the other pounding, the one in my heart. It was the moment of adrenalin before a fight. The moment of prolonged expectation before my body exploded into action. Every step closer a second passed in the countdown.

And then I was there. The same place as before. Just standing there looking, wondering at what was inside. A little clearer now. No longer a misplaced buzz. A confusing signal. Knowing with absolute fucking certainty that she was in there. With him.

I wanted to howl. Not with tears, but with a warning. It felt so fucking primal, a need so deep to kill, to destroy. Everything around me. Everything that hurt. I wanted to burst straight in there and make quick work of the pain. Job done. Games over.

Instead I took deep breaths. A whole fucking lot of deep breaths. I had focused hard on everything I had learnt. About myself, how to deal with myself. I remembered Angel’s words, soft words, wise words… I grabbed at every single string tethering me to sanity. To self control.

A slow pace to the door. Just trying to breathe.

Should I knock? I didn’t know. Should I just crash through like Buffy had done before? It sounded like a plan.

And that’s just how my mind had worked. Bringing my boot up to smash, to break through the barrier. My knee able to deal with it. Not even feeling it. Eyes scanning, this way that way, shadows, objects, faces. Recognition.

And then nothing. The world stopped spinning. Her eyes locked deep into mine, and for just that moment, before it all came crashing back? In that moment I almost found a smile ‘hello’. How fucked up and messed up. For less than a second I had just seen her, no baggage, no bullshit. The girl that I loved.

And then I was seeing the more. The fear in her eyes. Knowing in that instant beyond any shadows of any stupid doubts. The realisation sitting clear on her face. Round one to the dead fucker. His hands had been all over her. And she knew that I knew it.

She was sat atop a tomb with him at her side. The sweetest flowing white shirt encasing her body, crisp blue denim encasing her ass. The colour of the top had made me think of innocence. Of purity. And there was none of that in this room. I stalked slowly over, fixed all of the years of sexy swagger into my walk. Oozed with a confidence I was nowhere near feeling. Played it cocky for the moment, danger creeping slowly to the surface. “B… fancy seeing you here.”

Every fake smile I offered her felt like a snarl. The truth behind my words. I could see her cowering. Maybe memories still so close of all that I was capable of. I wanted her to remember. To be reminded of what a broken heart did to me. She stood from her seat next to him, making distance that I didn’t see. She was here with him and that was enough. “Faith…” Just a name. Not anything that I had in her. Just a whisper from her lips that I was refusing to hear.

I turned my gaze to him. Found him like I expected, grinning his triumph, calling me out. His tongue flicking to lick at his lips, suggesting without words all that I knew. Where that tongue had been. The things that he had tasted. I stared at him with fire in

my eyes, willing my gaze to combust him into dust, to let me have that victory at least? But it didn’t happen. His eyes just chilled me, doused any heat I had to burn.

He rose up beside her. Smirking all evil as he slid closer, went to put a possessive arm around her and speak a greeting. “Faith, nice of you to drop by…” His eyebrows were dancing all over his face, so obviously fucking delirious to have me caught in the loop. Knowing the conquests that he had made.

I would’ve gone. I wanted to. That would’ve been the moment that my barriers would truly have been broken. He was mine in that instant. My stake in my grasp before the clear thought had formed, ready to drop him. To end him.

And she moved. As fast as my arm had risen she had shrugged his touch from her shoulders. Glared at him in a tone I had never even managed with my voice. “Spike, don’t touch me.” She looked to me before speaking the next words. Acknowledging that I knew the truth by not censoring her speech. “I told you, don’t ever touch me again.”

I watched the silent exchange just wishing that I could hear it. His eyes were laughing at her, laughing at me. Hers holding firm. Daring him to question her. It was tense. The whole fucking room was tense. Explosive. I was just waiting for someone to light my fuse. Edging closer to a trigger.

He was growling low in his chest, turning from her to face me. Coming a little closer, me willing him on. Come on… push me… just come fucking push me. It could never be wrong if I was reacting to a push.

“Have you come for a taste Slayer?” The words dripped from his lips, coated in poison. So sexual and so wrong.

He was so fucking evil and he was taunting it out of me. I flew at him, gave him what he wanted, what I thought that he needed. I didn’t need wood, I would rip his fucking head clean from his body, make him fucking scream as he realised who he’d asked to dance, what kind of dance I was gonna be teaching him. There would be no harness for my rage. I believed in that. He tried to block me and I pushed right through him, connected hard with his jaw, wiped that fucking smile from his sick and twisted lips, coated them with blood. It looked right, a true reflection. Made him look like the evil bloodsucking scum that he was. He went to game face. So did I.

I let it all show. Every hurt, every pain. I didn’t care that the sick fucker would probably get off on it. I had to show him, had to let him know the crimes that he was gonna pay for.

He ran his tongue out along the busted lip, sneered as he took in the blood. “You like it rough then love? My favourite kind of game…” I swung and missed, his words deflecting my blow. I knew that he couldn’t touch me. It wouldn’t detract from my pleasure at hitting him. I swung again, caught him again. Feeling distant relief with every blow connected. Every time his flesh gave under my fist. Like retribution.

So much I wanted to hurt him, to punish him, but all he would do was fucking laugh. Smirk his amusement. Rising from each attack ready to take more. Encouraging me with words, glowered invitations. I found the gap to slide my foot between his ribs, enjoyed the crunch. Finally smiling my own as his was wiped from his face. As I heard him grunt, finally admit pain. I kicked him again and made him choke up some blood, revelled in what I was doing, how I was feeling. I believed that that moment was gonna be it. That I could end him then. Nothing would stop me. Nothing could stop me.

And then she did. Of course she did.

“Faith no!”

FUCK OFF!!!

How was it that I could still hear her? I didn’t WANT to still hear her! Didn’t my ears get that? Understand that? I had to do this. I wanted to do this. To fuck consequences and reasons, right and wrong. He had hurt me, he had hurt me so fucking bad, and I just wanted to end it. I ripped my eyes from their prize, their prey. Growled my way to face her and took in her form. She looked so damn small. Her arms limp at her sides, not challenging me, just telling me. Imploring me. “Don’t”

I didn’t want to listen to her, to be swayed by her. She had hurt me too, and I hadn’t even started addressing that one yet. Dealing with the pain that finding her here was making me feel. I spat my disgust down at her feet. Looked back at the damaged dead thing down at my boots. “Are you scared I’ll hurt your boy toy B? Damage your ride?”

She looked kinda broken but I didn’t care. I WAS broken. By her. Again. She started to shake her head, back and forth as if that meant anything to me. “No Faith… please…”

“Please? Please what?” I let the volume rise, let my words echo with the revulsion I couldn’t help but feel. “Please don’t see you for the sick fucking piece of shit nothing that you are?”

I was screaming at myself as I was screaming it at her. No Faith. Back away from the scene and shut the fuck up. Don’t push it too far, don’t say things now that you’ll live to regret. But I didn’t heed, I didn’t want to heed. All I wanted to do then was to inflict some pain back. Not consider my actions, make attempts at rational.

I was mad.

As she took a tentative step towards me and raised out her hand I thrust into space and pushed her the fuck back. Away from me. Followed her forwards and pushed her again. Baiting her. Calling her. “Didn’t you hear me B?” I felt my tone as it strained on brittle. So close to breaking, so close to too many emotions begging to be set free. I cornered her close to the wall, gave her no way out, no escape from this moment trapped here with me. I watched her pulling back, eyes glazed with tears which I wanted to see fall. For me. For us. I didn’t want to see her offering touches to calm me when I didn’t want to be calm. I wanted to push her away because I couldn’t bear to watch myself crumble before her. I was fucking breaking for god’s sake… her eyes in my eyes again. Her words in my ears.

“Faith… I…”

“NO!” I wouldn’t let her speak. Couldn’t let her speak. Brought my fist down at the side of her face. Crashing into stone. I wanted to bang my head against it. To soothe the pain.

Everything in the room had my head spinning. Her here, him here. All too much.

I felt defeated, watching everything I’d ever wanted taken from me again. Her in the arms of a vamp. An evil dead fucked up vamp. I let the words ring true from my lips, showed nothing in my eyes except that which I allowed there. No room for silent pleadings, begging her to make it stop. To make me stop. “You disgust me Buffy. You fucking disgust me.”

I let the breath out that being so close to her had made me hold. Tried so hard to release the tension. To step back from her, away from her.

“Faith…” Said with pleading. Falling on deaf ears. “…wait, this isn’t… I wasn’t…”

I interrupted her words and spoke my own instead. Flat and empty. “I know what it is Buffy”. Turned my back on her to walk away.

“No!” And the force of it froze me. Her one word wrapped in so much. So much I wanted to avoid. To dismiss.

“No?”

“This isn’t that, I wasn’t here for that.”

I turned back to face her. I could see her eyes begging, slipping out tears. And I wouldn’t feel it. Refused to let it sway me. Instead I let a fucked up smile rest upon my lips, curled it around all of my words. Slipped my body back close to her space. “‘That’ B? You care to elaborate on the ‘that’?”

I watched her breaking. Satisfied. She had no more words to speak and that was fine with me. There wasn’t anything else that I wanted to hear right then. Could bear to hear. I turned away again. Walked away. Noticed the dead fucker with his gaze wrapped around me. So much delight held in his eyes. He didn‘t heed silent warnings of not wanting to hear. He chose to speak. To invite me again. “I call ‘that’ fucking Faith… hot, dirty, nasty fucking…” I recoiled from his words. Felt them rip at my soul. “…and she loved every single minute of it.”

And I felt myself give in. Heard the curses as they flew from my mouth, felt the speed with which I struck him again. Absolute unleashed fury. I would turn his words to dust, wipe the memory on the breeze. All through me it buzzed, landing again and again, me the slayer, he the vampire. The law of nature urging me on. The call of insanity bringing me closer. I was losing myself in every connection. And then she was at me. Her hands seeking purchase on my body, holding back the arm that was straining to plunge my stake straight through the heart of all that was evil.

Her protecting him?

It was all that it felt like. It was no longer her stopping me, holding me back. It was saving him. Making choices.

“Get the fuck off me B!” I was swinging my arm, surprising her with the force. Feeling the connection as I met her resistance. Knowing that I had struck her and then turning to see.

She was back on her haunches. Her hand was at her face, the blood obvious from between her fingers. I was connecting well. Drawing blood from all quarters. I didn’t mean it, hadn’t meant it, but I couldn’t be sorry. She shouldn’t have been protecting him. It was bullshit. I just stared down at her on the floor. Not trying to get up. To fight back. Not looking to trade me blow for blow.

I could see the danger beginning to dance in her own eyes. Accepting blows was never easy. I knew that. Her body was tense, holding her still. Below me. It made me want to taunt her into action, to keep on the path which would bring her the most pain. I wanted to beat her, to submit her. To take with force all those nasty little things that I had always wanted to take. Wanted to taste. The things that he had tasted.

The energy was coursing through me. My breathing harsh and heavy as we got lost in a stand off. Her eyes and my eyes. I could feel my face finding form. My gaze wandering over hers. Top to bottom. Everything I wanted just laying there before me. Her pupils dilating as the air crackled with charge.

So much I wanted to drop to my knees. To search for salvation in her arms. Lose every harsh reality to the reality of touching her skin. Tasting her lips. Kissing it better. And for a moment then I was lost. Free falling. No one to catch me. Nothing but the reflections I was seeing in her eyes. The same wants? The same needs?

Too much. It really was all too much.

I walked away. Tore myself from her as it felt like she had been torn from me. Went to lose myself in distance between us. She whispered my name but it was all too late. The moment had been diffused. Had just left the pain.

I placed each step so precisely. Didn’t spare a glance back to her, back to him. Back out of the door, and into the night. Into the darkness. It had been so close. Felt so close. Touching me, tearing me. Fuel to my fire. But it hadn’t claimed me. I was still standing. Still me. We were all still standing. I walked in a daze. Heading back towards home but never quite making it. Not ready for rest. To give in on the day. To call quits. I had so much shit to work through, needing anger to unleash it all. To let me scream obscenities at every evil fucker that I could rightfully kill. My muscles finding relief in working my arm. Each dead one down, another breath taken.

If all of evil had shown it’s face tonight I could’ve taken it down and under. Nothing was touching me, coming close to touching me. I was rage, I was pain, I was hurt. And evil collected the payoff. Not in the way that it wanted, not with me crawling back to admit failure at it’s door… but by staying strong. Slaying each and every fucker that got in my face. That dared show it’s face.

I worked and I worked intent on my goals. Nothing in mind accept utilising my pain. Sharing my hurt. Kept going till my body was tiring with the force of each fight. Numbers not mattering, I went after them all. Working my way from the bottom up. I dusted the stragglers and then went for the nests. Kamikaze slaying. I was untouchable. And then it began. When I reached the top. The talk of what was coming. Whispers being spoken in threats and in promises.

‘You can slay us, but we will rise… all of the fallen shall rise…’

Over and over again. Even when the joy of losing myself to the rage was being dulled by my need to rest, I carried on. New things taking precedence over my feelings. My pain. This was my job. I was good at my job. I protected people. I wanted to save the world.

I couldn’t lose sight of the threat that was approaching behind the sight of Buffy. I couldn’t screw up again.

I beat on them harder, prolonged their pain until their mouths flowed with words. Words spat out between teeth and blood. Offered as a last plea. ‘They want the witch…’

I fought hard for who? For what? For why? Went through the five torture groups and added some of my own. My body was beyond aching. Almost as worn as the last one standing in front of me. No longer bearing fangs, hardly wearing a face. I twisted my knife deep into his gut. Again. Twisting through old wounds, sliding it deeper. Almost therapeutic. The gargling sounds as the blood flooded his vocal chords. It was almost a shame that he couldn’t drown in it. Die from it.

I asked him again, demanded again, offered him more. “Why the fuck do they want the witch!?”

I would do anything to stop them from getting their hands on Tara. From ever touching her. I lost my hand as I buried the hilt somewhere deep inside of him. Watched his eyes bulge. His mouth open. “They need the witch for the dark magics… to perform the dark magics…” He went to stop, I let my other hand find the remnants of his face, brought it back to me. Urged him on with a squeeze. “…to release it… they need her to release it.”

I pulled my knife back hard, watched him crumple to the ground. I had one word left. “Who?”

The thing plead it’s ignorance through anything else that I had to offer. In the end gave me nothing to do but release him from his agony. Turn him to dust. I almost collapsed as he drifted away from me, as there was nothing left to keep me standing. To keep me fighting.

I think I sighed some. Maybe cried some. Made myself find the strength to return to her house. Not for her, for duty. To speak of what I knew. To tell them that it wasn’t Tara, it was Willow. All of it was about Willow.

The dawn was breaking as I turned into her road, wearily forcing each foot one in front of the other. Drawing glances from early morning paper boys, probably wondering if Halloween had come early. If this was a costume. I was caked in so much shit that I would have to soak in a bath for hours. Blood and dust. Sweat and tears.

I noted Cordy’s car in the drive. Xanders car still in the drive. For a moment the whole world turned into panic. My stomach dropping even further to the floor, paralysed by the thought that something had happened, that whilst I was away at play the beast had come back. Any knowledge I had garnered too late to help.

I forced myself to go to the door, make myself forget thoughts of Buffy. Loudly pounding, not having to wait for an answer.

“Faith… my god, what happened, where were you? We’ve been worried sick…”

Worried sick? It threw me for a moment. I hadn’t even considered that people would worry when I didn’t go home. I’m a big girl, I stay out sometimes. I followed Willow in. My eyes adjusting to the light of the room, all the anxious glances firmly fixed on me. I scanned them all. Took her in. I didn’t hold her gaze though, just registered the split lip, the slight bruising. Turned my head from hers. I couldn’t look at her. Wouldn’t. I would hold my eyes steady, away from her.

Cordy stepped forwards and gave me one hell of a glare. Gave my eyes no choice but to rest upon her. “Jesus Faith, you could’ve called!”

“Called? Since when?” I hadn’t been making excuses for staying out at night since grade school. Wouldn’t be starting now.

“Since Buffy said you had gone mad and ran off into the night! We were worried, I was worried.” I heard the concern but could only focus on the first part. That part had made me smile. A real fucking sweet smile. Buffy had the audacity to say that I had gone mad? I thought I had done well to reel it in. “That’s the thing about B though ain’t it Cor?” I paused to let her appreciate my answer. Let them all appreciate it. “She talks a pile of shit.”

If the room was tense before that then I had just added a whole lot more. People clearing their throats as if that could ever cover it. Make it go away. The ex demon chick’s voice rang out clear as day. Practically echoed in the silence. “You did look slightly psychotic when you called by earlier… it’s only fair that if Buffy saw you she would think that you were mad.”

I glared at her. Caused Xander to put his arm around her, as if for protection. It was bullshit! I hadn’t done anything wrong! It had made me thrust my eyes back to Buffy, force myself inside of her gaze. “Did you tell them why I went ‘mad’ B?” She looked fearful, scared. I felt dangerous and angry. “Did ya tell them what sent Faith all whacko this time?”

“Faith? Stop…” Tara’s words floated across the room. Made me breathe and turn to face her. To take in Dawn with eyes wide and staring. The geek boy. All of them. Reminded me that this wasn’t the time, the place. Brought my focus back to why I was here. Not for her. For them. For duty.

I turned my back on the cowardly slayer. Spoke instead to the witch. To both of them. Let my eyes encompass everyone as I spared no details on where I had been all night, what I had been doing. The evil I had killed. The things I had found. I told them of the vampires and their words. About wanting the witch for dark magic, to use her for bringing back the… the ‘whatever’? I didn’t know. I did know they wouldn’t be getting the witches though. Either of them.

They made a good audience. Listening intently, gasps of worry at the points when I spoke of words. Willow and Tara clinging to each other as if for dear life. When I mentioned the magics, that that was what this was all about… getting Willow to fall, to go to the darkside… then the redhead had crumbled. Sank back into the sofa shaking her head. Smacked down by the guilt of the knowledge that her badness was causing the evil. I felt for her, I truly fucking felt for her.

It left the room no longer tense but terrified. Silent because of the worry. The fear.

I waited barely minutes before I made my call to leave. Looking to Cordy with damn near pleading in my eyes. “How about you take me home? If we’re gonna hunt this evil thing down, I’m gonna need to sleep for at least a week first.”

She nodded agreement, rose up to leave with me. It’s when her words came. Buffy’s. “We’ll all meet at the shop later… make a plan, I’ll put that call through to Giles…”

I know she was speaking to me, but there was no way that I could listen or look. I just didn’t want to hear her. Hear excuses. Reasons which wouldn’t take the pain away. I just wanted out of there then. I’d think about later… well, later.

I let Cordy’s voice fill the gaps all the way home. Chatter of all sorts, nothing too close to meaning anything. She kept looking like maybe she was checking to see that I’d really not gone mad, that Buffy WAS talking shit, but I couldn’t be assed to reassure her. I know I looked kinda funky covered in all that crap, my eyes hiding behind the mask which I was keeping firmly fixed in place. But I didn’t care.

I stalked into the apartment, grabbed the phone and headed for my room.

“Faith? Where are you going..? Don’t you want to talk?”

“No.” I slammed shut the door and slipped onto bed. Called forth the dial tone on the handset. I did want to talk, but I wanted to talk to Angel. He believed in me and I trusted him. It was just what I needed. Trust and belief.

Chapter 18

POV Tara

I watch them all as they lark about, chittering and chattering, covering all the worry with banter and jokes, half smiles replacing frowns, merriment replacing terror. I look at it all and I feel the falseness. The lie. See the cracks in the charade and wonder when it’s all gonna come tearing down around us.

Another big bad. Another big nasty. And why can’t apocalypses ever be small and cute? It would make a nice change. A pleasant alternative.

Willow is going crazy with the horror of the truth of this latest in a long line of resident evils. The belief that she has provoked it, that her hand to the dark side was what brought forth whatever it is that we are dealing with. It keeps her eyes bloodshot with the exhaustion of too much to think about. To worry about. Even my touches not seeming to soothe the nervous babble which runs from her mouth each time she opens it. It’s all nonsense. All anything but what she really feels.

Buffy is the same. Kitted out in training gear of white vest and grey pants. Bouncing around the shop on the soles of her feet, this way, that way. Never stopping still. Over zealous laughter at all of Xander’s jokes. I don’t even know which has her more hyped. The thought of the big nasty, or the thought of Faith.

I haven’t a clue what has happened there. What took place in the crypt. All I do know is that Buffy has a split lip and Faith had a face like boiling thunder. I wonder if they..? Rumbled? Is that what they call it? It’s just so far away from everything that we all need right now. We need to pull together. To trust each other. To believe.

Xander isn’t too bad. He keeps the cover of strength much better then the rest of us. Watching over each of his girls. All of us falling under his wings of protection. He stands firm and keeps his gaze wandering the shop, resting on Willow, slight flashes of worry… resting on Buffy, a silly face and a laugh, for Anya he has winks and hugs filled with love. And for Dawn he has encouragement, words which assure her that no more bad stuff is gonna happen, or his name just isn’t Xander Harris!

I wish I could be so sure. I think I believe the opposite, that lots more bad stuff is gonna happen. I can feel it. The expectancy in the air. I think we all feel it.

When I see Xander look to me and catch my eyes in understanding, then I know it for sure. He doesn’t seek to fool me with faces and jokes, he just looks at me and says ‘yeah, I get it… but lets try and fool the girls.’ He says it all with his eyes, all in a look.

And I do go along with it. Let myself get swept up in the pretence of easy. Let myself make assurances to them too. ‘We can do this, we always do this. It will all be ok.’ Smiled along as smiles were given to me, fooled myself in the belief that I couldn’t see the truth, feel the truth. For the moment it is easier then dealing. Acknowledging just how scary this is. When it was about me I was terrified, and now that it’s about Willow? I don’t have the words. It makes me want to hide under my covers, to lock the closet and go back to a time when monsters only existed in there. Not in the real world. Not in my world.

My thoughts are shattered as the front door opens, bringing about the familiar sounds of the tinkling bell. It’s Andrew, back from the store, carrying coffees and cakes and all the things that Xander used to have to carry. He doesn’t mind though, I think he just likes having found a place where he almost fits in. I don’t know how he’ll cope when the bad guys come, he doesn’t seem big with the back bone… but he’ll make it through. As long as he keeps on bringing the cakes then he’ll manage just fine.

“I got all the different donuts but I couldn’t remember how you all wanted the coffee… so I bought lots…” as he speaks the door opens again, Cordy coming through looking harassed balancing cups, and Faith just after. Not looking anything other then… pissed? She has cups too, lots of cups. Also dark glasses, wrapped around her eyes in what I assume is an attempt to wrap up her emotions.

I want to go to her. To give her my arms as way of apology. To hold her close and tell her everything that I know. All of it. That yes Buffy was with Spike… but more than that. My take on the reasons… my knowledge of the truth of what Buffy has been feeling. I know that I won’t go to her though. She looks about as approachable as a speeding freight train and I fear for the safety of anyone that does dare to stand on her tracks.

The tension that descends over the room as she arrives is palpable. You can taste it, feel it. The banter stopping to leave only the room for silence. For eyes turning to see, all looking at the new comers, everyone trying to work out what is going on. What’s happened now?

When Faith had left the house this morning it was the signal for Buffy to go to her room. To stay there as well. She resisted all attempts at talking, at my questions whispered through the door. I worry at her keeping it inside, but then sometimes I feel like I worry at everything. We’ll probably beat down the badness and I’ll still be foiled by a monster sized ulcer. It’s the hazardous side of caring.

Cordy takes charge of handing around the drinks, and the cakes become a free for all. Even the nerves not stopping us from filling up on the sugary goodness. It could be a long night, lots of them. It’s the way that research usually works out. The only one who doesn’t choose to eat is Faith, I watch her cajoled by Cordelia, but she refuses all suggestions. Stays back from all of us. On the periphery, perhaps keeping a safe distance?

In the way that it is easy to see when someone’s gaze is trapped on somebody else, I’m also finding it easy to see the firmness with which Buffy is keeping her gaze so far away from Faith. Her voice still demanding that false chipper tone, all perky and light. Yet her shoulders straining, reaching down for the floor. The split in her lip letting us all know that the smile could never be that real. That painless.

No. She keeps her eyes away and keeps on playing the game. ‘This is what happiness sounds like.’ I want to stop her, to tell her that she doesn’t have to pretend anymore… we can all see. She isn’t fooling us. But again I don’t. I sip on my coffee, I nibble at my cake, and I wait for the bad stuff to begin. The dusty tomes pulled off of shelves, so many words that they all start blurring. The insanity of looking for something which we know nothing about.

The crumbs are cleared away and business is approached. The seating plan so much different than normal. But then this is everything but normal. I slide my way next to Willow, it’s my place. Xander and Anya pairing up, but no one else seeming to know where they fit, what to do. The awkwardness apparent as we wait for Faith to make her move, to assign herself a place. Whether she’ll come back into the fold, or whether whatever has happened with Buffy will keep her firmly at the side.

I’m not the only one that breathes a sigh of relief as she finally takes a seat. Throws herself there as if it pains her to do so. I catch Cordy’s breath too, Dawn’s almost sigh of relief. It does nothing to ease the tension, but it assures us that she is still in the fight. So much more than just another slayer on board. I know she won’t realise it, would probably choke on her laughter if I told her it, but it has been she that has kept us together these last weeks.

Has brought Buffy back to us. Saved Willow. Saved me. Probably saved Dawn too. She’s been our glue girl and she doesn’t even realise it. Too trapped by the negative to ever see how positively we view her.

The flash of pain was so obvious when she returned to us this morning, when she heard concern that we thought she had flipped. Become ‘unstable’ again. Buffy was wrong to lead us that way, and we were wrong for doubting Faith so easily. It wasn’t because we were scared for us though, and that is what she doesn’t see. It was that we were scared for her, that we like her. We don’t want her to fall.

It’s hard to concentrate on the words that Buffy is speaking, the order that she is trying to form, anything she has to say that tells us all nothing. We don’t know what we’re facing, we don’t know why. All we do know is who it wants, not even really what for. It’s all just a question and none of us here have the answer. It provokes talk of Giles, all of us agreeing that we need the help. Desperately need some help.

Of course it is Buffy that makes the call, not worried at difference in time. Just distance, how soon he can be here. She flies through the pleasantries, apologies for waking him, approaches as soon as she can the problems that we face.

“No Giles, we don’t know… all we have is that it wants Willow, and that it needs a portal open.”

Her voice sounded weary as she spoke, the perkiness all but gone as she told all that we know to her former watcher. Her hand moving fast as she tried to keep notes of the things that he told her, names of books to look in… possible names of possible demons that could possibly be wanting to open portals. It was a long list.

We all grabbed onto it as soon as she sat back down. Even Andrew taking a peek as if he would ever know the name of our tormentor. Trying to wrap our tongues around the pronunciation of so many different foes we could maybe be expecting to come up against.

“Is anyone else wondering if this isn’t the most pointless thing we’ve faced since…” Xander had spoken, his face frozen now as he tried to find something mundane enough to make a comparison.

“Since the time we spent fourteen hours memorising the words for that darn urn of Osiris spell?” Anya’s eyes were sincere with the memory of that endless night. Willow standing guard as we went over and over the spell, learning our parts, not daring to take a break and admit defeat. “Because that had a similar sense of pointlessness I think… definitely as tiresome.”

I wanted to agree but dared not. Willow tensing at my side was enough to let me know that she certainly saw things differently. “Sorry Anya, but to me it seemed most pointful, like saving a friends life.”

“Yes, but technically she was in heaven… that deems it pointless in retrospect, doesn’t it Xander?” She was beaming with the pride in her logic, waiting for the pat on the head and agreement from her love. He could only shake his head though, cast his eyes between the two, trying to work out where he stood the best chance of survival.

Buffy saved him. “I’m gonna go with Wills, it WAS pointful... huge with the plus points, great to be back…” She sought out Willow’s eyes and offered sincerity. Slid straight back into business mode. “…now can we move on? I know it’s dull, I appreciate the boringness… but it’s what we do. Now lets do it.”

The false chipper was back there and it brought about a group sigh, a shared weariness. Also hands which reached for books, and eyes that searched for answers. That didn’t stop searching for answers even as our progress remained at a stand still. Silence looming except for the odd comparison of random facts, which demons ate a solid diet of viscera, compared to those which favoured the sucking of the bone marrow.

Not surprisingly it was Anya who filled in most of the blanks, could shed most light on the habits of even the most obscene species of demon. Unfortunately she couldn’t throw light on what we needed. Her own searches into the links she hadn’t severed proving no help to any of us. It seemed that Hallie had disappeared and no one else was daring to speak of anything that they might know. Xander’s threatening form doing nothing to intimidate. So far the only information we had, had come from Faith’s super slaying of last night. Whatever happenned in the crypt sending her off on a one woman mission of destruction. Vampires being the ones that had offered up the only words we knew.

And I wasn’t the only one having that thought. Considering the vampires. Maybe I would’ve asked the question myself if I hadn’t had been suspecting the consequences. Hadn’t understood the unspoken tension which sat between the slayers. Dawn was innocent of it all, was the one to voice the obvious.

“Hey, if it was the vamps that Faith beat the answers out of, then why don’t we get Spike? Surely he can help out?”

Her words seemed to hang in the air for an age until they fell to the floor heavy with the weight. Buffy swinging to face Faith, the shock of the simple question plain to see in her eyes. What was in Faith’s eyes was anyone’s guess, the darkened void she had on show being all that she would allow us to see. Her words spoke volumes though. Pronounced with enough venom to send Buffy back in her chair. Recoiling from all of the pain that she had caused.

“If that fucker comes here then I’m gone.” Words pointed in one direction. Aimed one way. “I see him? I’ll kill him, and then I’m gone.”

I didn’t doubt her for a second. I don’t think any of us did. It brought confusion. No understanding. Xander trying to slice the tension with his easy ways. Smiling face. “Hey, slow down there slay girl, the dead guys a jerk, I get that… he helps out though, doesn’t mean we like him, but he gets a free pass.”

The glasses didn’t cover her sneer. Her hatred of the secret facts. “Yeah? A free pass?” She almost growled it, her attention drawn back to Buffy. She was inching forwards in her chair, shoulders straining as she leant across the table, only Cordy’s arm seeming able to hold her back. You could see her jump with surprise as she felt the touch, swinging her head back to her friend, exhaling a sigh of frustration. “Fuck it, this is bullshit…”

Her chair slammed against the floor with the force of her rising, the table shaking as she pushed her way back. I thought that all of our attention was drawn there, waiting to see, straining to see. I almost missed the slightly yelped “Oh!” at my side, couldn’t miss Willow’s hand as it clenched around my thigh. My eyes flying to hers, seeing the realisation. Her mouth slowly opening, barely whispering. “A free pass?”

And then the pools of green encasing Buffy, looking for confirmation, for a rebuttal, for anything but the truth of what she was seeing. “Buffy..?”

But Buffy wasn’t hearing. Her own eyes locked so solidly on the form of the fleeing slayer. Her mouth set in a firm grimace, finally opening to whisper a plea. “Wait…” I turned to see the non response, the feet still walking, ears not hearing. It made the volume rise some, forced her to listen. “…Faith, I said wait… please?”

So achingly raw. You would have to be dead to disregard the depth of feeling between the two of them. Even now the air is coated in it. The pain. Absolute naked pain.

The table remained quiet. Willow’s fingers still gripping onto me, no one’s eyes knowing where to go, what to do, where to focus to find the sense. It took an eternity for her to turn back to us. Silent minutes spent with her own demons, perhaps fighting the desire to flee, to leave all the hurt behind. And the words when they came were not so much wrapped in rage anymore, just desolation. As if she too just wanted to understand. To ask why the hell this was all happening. “What am I waiting for B?” Her breath exhaled in a sigh to the heavens. “Just tell me what the hell I’m supposed to be waiting for?”

“The truth.”

It span me around again. The truth? Here? Now? I stared my puzzlement at her, watched as she ignored it, kept all that she had, pointed at Faith.

And as HER mouth mimicked Buffy’s. Silence kept, but the words easy to see as they crossed her lips. ‘The truth?’ it was like it drew her back, slowly but surely, as if she had to hear it no matter how much it hurt. Like she needed to hear it.

No one was daring to move, all caught up in the spell of the moment. Following the scenes as if watching a play. A tragedy in motion. Their eyes all falling on the once great leader as she took up her place to speak, her voice not strong with leadership now, instead meek in the face of her secrets. Her hands were wringing in front of her body, all of it so obviously difficult to do. I sought out her eyes, gave all that I could, a small smile, a promise to be there when she needed me. She closed her eyes for a second, took a deep breath and forced it out.

“Guys… right, the truth…”

I still couldn’t believe that she was doing this, that she should do this. I wondered at how she would phrase it, how she could ever coat it in anything to make it better. She didn’t try. I guess she knew.

“…I’ve been…” She let out a sigh, so tense with having speak. “…oh god…” The pain slid across her face. The disgust and the shame. “…I’ve been sleeping with Spike.”

And what is more quiet than silence? Because the room was so much more than simple silence. It was the kind of quiet that lets everything be heard, reactions able to be seen so soon before they are spoken, before they are shouted. Hurled across the room in indignation and accusation.

“You what? With Spike?” Xander’s eyes looked as if they wanted to fall from his head, to bulge from his skull and hide from the truth.

“Sleeping… she said sleeping, I think she means that she’s been screwing Spike.” Anya appeared joyful at setting him straight, her face taking a moment to catch up on her words. And then even she managed shock. Distaste. “You!? And the vampire?” And then her head was shaking, as bemused as all of us.

“Dawnie?” Buffy had taken her gaze back to her sister. Had seen the tears which were plainly running down her face. Could now see the anger of youth that was finding a place there.

“No Buffy… I thought I was wrong… I thought I did something so bad to make you hate being back.” She wiped her arm viciously across her eyes, banishing tears. “But it wasn’t me… it was YOU! You’re wrong!”

Dawn may have banished her tears but Buffy was letting hers flow. No attempt to hide them, there was nothing left to hide anymore. The truth was out for better or for worse. Her friends knew now. All she could do was await their judgement. I looked up as Willow’s hand went from my leg, waited to see what she would say. She glanced first at Faith, still standing away, offered an understanding gaze. And then the eyes trained on Buffy. Her best friend. She voiced the question for everyone. For all of us. “Why… I just don’t get… with the why?”

It brought more emptiness. More minutes stretching by unfilled. All of us watching, witnessing as she strained to keep it together, to find form for words that she didn’t want to speak. Barely understood for herself. “I can’t… it was…” She looked again to me, and I nodded softly in response. She could do this. “…I didn’t want to do it…”

Faith’s harsh laughter of reproach rang through the room. “Didn’t want to B?… And there was me thinking that the dead fucker couldn’t touch you unless you wanted him to?” She stalked her way closer to the group, my skin raising as the electricity crept along it. The charge. “I thought he was chipped and neutered… I guess I was wrong.”

“No, he is… chipped. It’s me…” She was staring her down. Only speaking to the one now, we could still all hear, but the words were only meant for Faith. “…I came back… wrong? Different… I don’t know what, why… he just…” Her arms crept around her sides as if to comfort herself. Draw strength from herself. “…he can hurt me.”

Willow jumped on the bandwagon before I could stop her. “He can hurt you and you didn’t tell us?! You kept that from us?” Her tone was drenched in confusion, her eyes darting to all of us, looking for anyone to fill the blanks, right the wrongs. “This is all wrong Buffy, I know things have been tough… but this? This is wrong.”

She didn’t need to tell her. Inside I was dying to go to her, to encase her in my hold and beat back the troops. Her eyes were stained with the pain, and no one was seeing it, not one of them daring to look beyond their own shock and disgust to see how much Buffy had for herself. She had the most. Had been living with it for months.

“I’m sorry Wills, all of you…” Her gaze flitted through each of us, searching for any sign of acknowledgement. Not going so far as to reach Faith, perhaps knowing she would get nothing she needed from there. “…I lied to you all and I’m sorry, I can’t… I wish I could tell you why I did it… the things which made me do it…I know it won’t change anything. What I did? Sleeping with Spike… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I did it, and I’m sorry I lied.”

“Rousing speech B, you expecting applause?” The tone of her voice broke the solitude of the moment. Her words demanding that Buffy give some attention her way. The slow hand clap mocking all that she said.

“Faith…”

“Save it, don’t wanna hear it.” She dismissed it with a turn of her head. Focused the reflection of her glasses back on the group. Did something I didn’t expect, would never expect. She took charge, dismissed the tension of the emotions and refocused direction. “Anyone else ready to quit the caring sharing session and get on with the important stuff?”

At first no one answered. Not sure in the change. If they were ready to move on, had finished with the crucifixion. It urged her to speak more. “Oh for fucks sake guys, so B’s got an undead itch? Nothing new there…” She walked around the table and came next to Dawn. Ruffled the hair on her head and showed her a small smile. “…now I’m more interested in the apocalyptic shit, the crap that actually means anything.”

I didn’t know why she was doing it, how she was doing it. If she was protecting Buffy or waiting for her own moment to attack. Whatever the reason was, her tone made it okay to back off. For Buffy to sit back in her chair and look shell shocked and lost. The rest of us grasping again for books, for the closest thing to normality. I knew this wasn’t over. There was going to be huge ramifications with all that Buffy had said. As pieces are fixed together. As they realise that all the time she spent away from us was time spent with him. Sleeping with him. I had to admire her honesty, but I certainly didn’t envy her.

No one looked to her. Not castrating her from the group, she is still the slayer, but warmth wasn’t being offered. Facts were being spoken in monotone… ideas bantered without the jest. No one wanting to say anything that could push the moment somewhere harsh. It eventually drove her from us. Leaving the circle of research to flee for the training room. A croaked whisper of her intention, but nothing in return. I tried to smile, to assure… but it didn’t go in. Her eyes were showing the steel of the weeks gone by, everything being locked away to keep from hurting too much. From feeling too much.

I let my eyes fall to Faith, never knowing where her own eyes were, what they were seeing. I wanted to urge her on to go to her, to start finding the place where they could begin to make it better. To repair all the damage done, from forever and now. I couldn’t though, I didn’t even know if that place existed anymore.

I lost the thoughts in books, the dusty tomes losing dust but still not giving up answers. Watching as the troops began to fall. Andrew leaving not long after Buffy. Dawn’s yawns provoking Xander to call time. To take the girl home with him and Anya. Assuring that he would take care of her. Finding hugs for Willow. A moments word with Cordy. Me and then Faith. He looked uncertain what to say to her, what words made sense. In the end they were perfect. What she needed to hear. “Faith, about the free pass?”

Her attention was drawn, her stance tense as she waited.

“Forget it, kill him… maybe then we can all applaud.”

She didn’t speak, just nodded her head. Kept in the words she wanted to say.

It left just the four of us up on top deck. Three of us again burying ourselves in a need to find answers. Faith losing herself in whatever places her mind was taking her to. I watched her often, distraction from the endless demons and random facts. No matter how hard she was trying her gaze kept betraying the truth. Her truth. She was still being drawn there, to the place that Buffy was. Cracking her knuckles, tapping her feet. No stillness about her.

For more then hour I waited to see which way it would go. Whether she’d give in, whether she would hold firm. I couldn’t tear my eyes away in the seconds proceeding the moment that I would get my answer. I swear her body was almost humming with the energy. And then pulling herself up, not even glancing at us, no words in explanation needed. Just her back as we watched it go to the door, our gazes all drawn and then falling on each other.

“That could be dangerous.” Cordy stated the obvious.

“You think we should go down there..?”

“No.” I hoped it was the right choice, the correct way to go. “It’ll be okay… just leave them to it.” I watched their uncertain glances, tried again. “If we hear anything loud or scary we’ll go… but until then lets just let them get on with it. Give them a chance?”

They sighed agreement. Books still being held but no more desire to read them. We sat in tense silence and we waited. Ears strained, just waiting for the call. I prayed we wouldn’t have to move. That somewhere in there they could start to find that place.

Andrew walked solemnly on his path to the basement. Head hung low, no sign of fight anywhere in him. He had no clue. No idea of how the forces of good and evil were right at that moment fighting for his very soul. His conscience bearing the words of good… imploring that he turn from the road. Go back to the place that he had just left and tell them everything that he knew. To work on the right side. The light side.

His survival instinct though was bringing the promise of the darkness. The fear snaking tightly across his chest, strangling his breaths, making him hyperventilate with the knowledge of all that Warren could do to him. What the ‘thing’ could do to him. The tales were burned into his ears, the screaming terrorising him at night, so as he knew not a minutes rest.

Warren had allowed him a glimpse into the future, the happenings that would come to pass once the portal was opened. How it would burst forth. Would feed upon every solid ounce of evil present in the world. Every bad deed, every bad thought. Sucked up and used, turned into power. He had trembled as Warren had held him steady in his vision, kept his eyes trained on the sights of death, of pain, of destruction. The insanity as people’s souls were sucked from their form, burning from the inside out, nothing left but shells. Shells for demons. All of the ones that had fallen, been sucked into the abyss, given a chance to return. To reinhabit that which had been lost.

A world for evil. For evil and for Warren.

Andrew had seen it all, had heard it all. It gave power to the words of the darkness, forced his conscience into a silent whisper. Nothing heard. Nothing listened to. It made him quicken his pace now, to drop his head and make his way the only way he knew. The place he had to go.

He gave the firm solid knock when he arrived that Warren commanded. He couldn’t stand weakness, timidity. His men were warriors. He demanded it. Andrew tried his best to straighten his shoulders as the door drew back, to meet Johnathan’s eyes steadily, not betraying any thought other than those which were allowed.

“He’s waiting for you.”

No hello, no friendly greeting. No room for pleasant anymore. Both of them had learnt not to believe in pleasant. He kept his eyes fixed as he went to his leader. Not letting them flick to the left. To witness the form of the demon falling limp in her binds. No spirit left to argue, to demand release. To demand anything.

Andrew had seen what Warren had done to her. Another thing that he had commanded. Both of the minions forced to watch as he took the ultimate evil delight in degrading her to the full. Her unable to fight him off, unable to stop him, and finally unable to protest. He had watched and held back the tears. Warriors didn’t cry. They watched and they remembered, and they learnt to do everything that they were told. They learnt fear.

“Andrew, you return.”

He didn’t speak, he didn’t need to. Warren would tell him when to speak. He just lowered his form, made himself less. Awaited his time.

“We wondered how long you would be… whether you would come back at all, Johnathan even wondered that you might not be thinking about jumping ship…”

He started to tremble lightly. Prayed that his eyes would stay steady. That his weakness wasn’t on show.

“…but I assured him no, that even you weren’t that stupid, or that ready to die.” Warren smiled his sickly smile. What used to be a smile of camaraderie, of friendship, now nothing more than a see through mask. It did nothing to coat the evil inside, if anything it intensified it. Made him appear more wicked, more depraved. “So how was your day? Full of juice and cookies?”

Andrew knew that he was mocking him. Making fun of the nice things he had said about there, the way that they treated him. He wanted to nod his head, wanted to say yes, lots of juice, lots of cookies… but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. His gaze flicked quickly to the left, to the demon. Resigned his tone. “No… not juice, I… I found the weakness.”

It made Warren stand to attention, made him swing his eyes to encompass Johnathan. “You found a weakness?!” The excitement tried hard to drown out the sound of insanity but it came nowhere close. The manic eyes lighting with approval, his gaze jumping between his minions as he fought hard to keep the delight from flooring him where he stood. He started pacing, rambling nonsense. Placating a master that neither of the other boys could see.

When his command returned to Andrew he had snuck back to calm, still eager but restrained, as if the minutes with the voices had refocused his thoughts. “Tell me, tell me it all.”

The boy wondered where to start, how to begin to explain that which he had only understood glances of… the tension, the hurt. “It’s the slayers… I think they’re… kinda into each other.”

“Into each other?”

“Like… liking each other, in ‘that’ way.”

For a moment it was like a hush descended, not evil hush, just the silence as their minds went to places that the thought of ‘that’ way could produce. Just horny boys. But then just as fast, back to an evil smirk. A degrading grin. “Well isn’t that just beautiful! Although…” Warren turned his eyes back on Andrew, sought more. “…weakness? How?”

“It’s Buffy… she’s been…” He paused, the last moment of uncertainty. The moment before he turned traitor. “…she’s been sleeping with Spike.” And then said, the deed done, the weakness revealed.

“Spike? Vampire Spike?” Warren was having as hard a time as anyone believing the words. The absurdity. “Buffybot banging Spike?”

“I know, everyone’s having a really hard time dealing…”

But Warren was lost to them. Engaged in his own thoughts. His own memories. Of chips that went beep and stopped evil being done. His mouth curving as it tasted the possibilities, finding a full on smile as he realised the true beauty. The availability of a brand new secret weapon. His gaze turned to the demon chained to the wall. No thought given to the things that he had put her through, the pleasure he had taken there. All that he had for her was disgust, disapproval of the weakness he had found in her. He couldn’t stand weakness, wouldn’t stand for it.

“So the slayers are into each other, but Buffy has been screwing the vampire?” He watched and laughed as Andrew nodded. “I think I need to see the vampire.”

“You… you need to see Spike?”

“I do, it seems we could be friends. For a while.”

Andrew tried to make his mind follow the same path. To understand that which he had unleashed. He had thought that Warren would exploit the slayers, maybe try to lure Faith into evil… he had heard of her past. He knew the implications. That she could maybe be turned. But Spike? “I don’t understand… why Spike?”

“He knows the slayer, he sleeps with the slayer, he has access to her friends… to the witches. If I take away the pesky chip for him, then he owes me, can deliver what we need. What I need. And if I tempt him with the power to be rid of the other one..? His competition..?”

And then it all made sense. The way that Spike could be used. Andrew had seen how trusting Tara was, how keen she was to help, to be there… he understood how easily Spike could exploit that. He wanted to take it back, to unsay words. In that moment he saw again the vision of all that Warren had shown him, felt the fear, the dread. Trembled down to his bones. His eyes met his leader’s, and for a second he couldn’t hide it, it all shone too bright.

“Johnathan?” The voice of evil was low, but intent. His gaze not moving from Andrew.

“Yes master?”

“Bind him.”

“Bind him? Andrew?”

“Yes Andrew…” His eyes narrowed on their prey. “…I see some regret, I wouldn’t want him making any life ending decisions.” He stroked the boys face, offered a gentle touch. “This is for your own good Andrew.”

He turned slowly away from him, tossing words over his shoulder. “And Johnathan? Make sure it’s tight.”

“Master… what? Where are you going?”

“Where am I going?” Warren laughed the evil laugh that he had so long practiced to perfection “I’m going to make friends with the vampire.”

The sound of the laugher echoed it’s way through the room long after their leader had left, kept Johnathan intent on his task even as it pained him to perform it. To bind his friend. His comrade. Once they had planned to rule the world together. Now he suspected that all they would ever get to do was to die together. He executed the simple spell to create the ties which would hold his friend firmly in place. Silenced his words to save his own ears the pain, to protect his mind from his conscience. Nothing to make him waver from the path. He refused to see Andrew’s tears. Wouldn’t look. Because all the time that he looked at him, then he could see the horror again, hear the screams. The vision of all that was to come.

Andrew didn’t try to hold back his tears anymore. There was no point. He wasn’t a warrior, he was a failure. He had had his chance on the path and he had walked the wrong way. Chosen the wrong destination. All that he could do now was to watch and to wait. Aware of what was coming, and now seemingly powerless to stop it. Not a champion, not a hero. Just a boy. A boy who felt like he was going to die.

Chapter 19

I came down here to get away, to escape from the looks and the sounds of disgust, to hide from the hurt and the pain. All of them gifts that I have given. Death may have been my first gift, but it turns out that I had so much more to offer, slipping right back into the spirit of giving. Not a thing to impart though aside from the bad stuff. I just can’t stop myself. It seems like since I have been back it’s all that I have done, all that I can do. And I tried different, I swear I did. I tried to make the smiles true and the feelings mean something, mean anything… to even touch the sides, but everything I have done? All the things I have tried? It’s all turned to crap.

This isn’t self pity, I don’t pity myself. I have too much pity for those that I have let down to care for myself. I care about the ones that I was supposed to be there for. Strong Buffy, slayer Buffy. Always there to save the day. Only I forgot about days, about nights. I forgot about everything that mattered, everything that meant anything to me.

It all got lost, left in the ground. My gravestone the reminder of where it all lay.

I went back there so many times at first. With my friends, and then on my own. Secret visits to try and claim back that what was mine. Not life, Willow had taken care of that one for me. But love. I just wanted to feel my heart beat. To look into eyes that were imploring me to feel for them, and have something more to offer them, other than an empty shell. Not rotten to the core, just nothing at the core. A numbness which consumed me like nothing before. I wanted to fight it, to conquer it, but I had no fight left in me. I had fought my last battle. I had won for gods sake. And nothing I tried, nothing I did, none of it could make being back stop feeling like anything other than losing.

So I gave up.

It’s one reason to hate myself. Of all of the things that I have done, that has to rank up there with the best. Me. I gave up. I looked at it all, I felt the pain of it all… and I pushed it away. I didn’t go on to fight the good fight, I didn’t tell those that mattered all that I wasn’t feeling. I just let it slip away. Watched it all from a distance without even a tear in my eye. Not even enough left to feel regret. I couldn’t feel life, so I wouldn’t live life. I would function. ‘Work, rest, and slay’. It would be my motto, the thing to get me through the nights I couldn’t sleep for fear of waking, the countdown of the seconds until I would find peace again. I knew it would come for me… it had called for me twice already, and they say that the third time’s a charm.

It charmed me. It had so much to offer. The kind of peace I had only ever found in my mothers arms. Arms that were always safe, always there to protect me, the arms where I could just be a girl. Always just Buffy. And that is what heaven felt like. To me it was the closest place to home.

When I think back now, pre the second death, I can pin point the beginning of the numbness. The beginning of the end. Finding mom had dulled my heartbeat like nothing before. More than Angel, more then losing the love of my life. I lost my mother. My mommy. My tether to a reality that I longed to cling on to. The white picket fences from my youth, the things that I was giving up on in my future.

That was the first minute I really learnt to be numb. Not a second to grieve, no time to feel. Just on with the next thing, the big bad. Holding together a sister, a family. A whole world. Sacrificing my self long before I swan dived from the tower. By that point it was almost easy, the white light of the abyss so warm in it’s enticement. As I was telling Dawn to live, I was welcoming my time to die. To make this round my last round. Buffy Summers; Rest In Peace.

And now being back here? It feels like I lost her all over again. Ripped from the comfort of her embrace to instead embrace a world I had long left behind. Had forgotten the harshness of every minute. The hurt, the tears, the pain, the suffering, the endlessness. God, the loneliness. I forgot how alone I had always felt.

The oneness of being me.

It tore back into me in flashes, strobe lights assaulting my senses, too much, everywhere, my eyes seeing too much, my arms, my legs, hearing… god, the sounds. All so loud, my head throbbing with an intensity that slayer powers only sought to enhance. The violence encasing my skin, my reality returned. I was death, and I was dead. They could hug me and hold me all that they wanted to, but none of them could touch me. Words of welcome back sounded no more than a sick joke. And I couldn’t laugh with them. Couldn’t cry with them. Their arms around my neck just one more weight pulling me down. Ensnaring me in a place that I couldn’t bear to be.

I knew that they could see it, I tried to hide behind some walls of defence, to fake the things that I couldn’t feel, but I could never keep my eyes on them. Could never let the smiles reach up there. I saw the worried glances, heard whispers of concern behind the doors of my friends… so I tried more to cover it. To stay away, to fill the voids with distance, to cut down the time I had to keep up the charade.

I wish I could replace slayer sight with hindsight. Could go back and beg for different. Could stop my feet from so solidly stomping down this path which has brought us to the now. The path to Spike’s door.

I never saw it coming. The force and brutality with which it would hit me. Something so bad that it could never be numb. The vacuum growing inside of me had sucked up his words, given a home to the darkness… and I was like him now. I started to believe in it. I couldn’t be human, I couldn’t be me… because I wasn’t. I didn’t feel like me. I felt like nothing. Like him.

Each time that I went to him, I swore it would be the last. Not even having the energy to pretend that I believed in it. His mocking eyes always showing that he had the same beliefs. His words telling me that I had nowhere else to go, lips smiling as mine showed the truth. There was nowhere else.

I had turned my back on everything else. Had given up on them. I had let myself lose it all in disgust, in degradation, hatred for this that I had become. It became a circle, a spiral ever downwards. Every time I walked away I promised myself I would learn to be strong, that it wasn’t too late… I was Buffy, I could do this. And for a day, maybe two… I would force perky again. I would cut Dawn’s sandwiches and drive her to school, I would wave at Willow as she left for college, pretend to feel concern for her and Tara, try and lose myself in the sounds of a deep fat fryer. Then the emptiness would come back. The knowledge of all I was doing so stark in contrast to all that I had ever wanted to be. And that hate, and that disgust, it would slam back into me with a force a million times stronger than a thousand Glory hell bitches. Would send me running to the only place that I could let it out. Could punish myself with the pain that he offered. A sick little spiral of deprava tion. That is where that path lead me. Around and around. Just circling death.

When he was inside of me, ripping at me, tearing at me… in those moments I knew that he had death planned for me. Somewhere inside of him. Maybe he saw me as a replacement Drusilla. Soulless mates. I couldn’t care. Any end to this non existence would feel like a happy ending. I was so sure of it.

And then Dawn. Could there have been a louder wake up call? An echo in the darkness, a final scream in my ear of all that I stood to lose. It didn’t shock me back to life, but it made me want to sneak a distance away from death. To creep away from the door marked ‘imminent disaster’. Looking at my sister, my baby sister, so small on the harsh white sheets of a hospital bed. Throat raw from the tube in her stomach. When I looked at her, the guilt hit me harder than I could have ever prepared myself for. I did this to her. And I knew it.

And I hated myself more. All of the good feelings left in the ground were replaced by the bad ones. Some extra bad ones just in case. I wanted to hold Dawn and soothe her and to make it all better. But I didn’t, I couldn’t. I got angry. The disgust for myself building my rage towards the others. Dawn could do this after all I had done for her? My friends could question me after all I had done for them?

If Dawn was allowed to seek death then I would too! Spike could have the ‘all you could eat Buffy’ he had always longed for, and I would have my happy ending. My third times the charm.

I stop punching. Instead rest my head against the bearer of my burdens, the bag now hanging limply without the force of impact. I look back now at how close I came to accepting that invitation and I wish that the damn bag could punch me straight back. Slap me upside of the head and proclaim my stupidity to the world. This tension in my shoulders isn’t even threatening to shift. So many blows left to fall, so much more of my story left to tell. To watch on a loop and wonder at a pause button. A moment I could choose to tell the story different, to make a real happy ending.

I look to the door, to the room outside, and I know more than anything what the happy ending should have been, where it should have started. The moment for stopping.

Faith.

A word that just begs to inspire hope and belief, but in the second that my eyes had rested on her again, it had only brought back the reminder of more pain. So much hate inside of me, that it was easy to point it at her. So what that the time was past, that so much had changed… so what that she was here to help? The rage that I was dying to inflict upon myself had settled upon a new target. A self-preservation moment.

The energy that I felt as I leapt across the counter, that was energy that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Fizzing right through me, awakening parts of me that had long ceased to exist. The monotonous beep of my flatline existence exploding as a roar in my ears that drowned out the sounds of my fist hitting her face. It was all so real. All so me and Faith. All so every moment. And the hum that was only increasing with every second that she was in my space, was drowning out all of the sad songs I had ever learnt the words to. The rhythm of her walk, the pattern of her speech… they were like crumbs on the path back to salvation. And I wanted to consume them all. To hit her with all of it. Unleash the full force of it.

For the first time since being back, I almost wanted to share it. To share me, to let someone inside to witness the voids, to fill the emptiness. As her fingers slipped against mine I had been jolted by the force. Not the force from her, but from me. The sudden steady beating of my heart, the moment it had started to thump again.

It was all that I had longed for, and yet the reality of it sent the blood racing through my veins with a chill even colder than Spike. This was Faith! Not hope or belief, and I just couldn’t understand the god damn tricks that my body was playing on me. So I forced the walls to stay firm in my eyes, to slap her back with the coldness of my gaze.

I can remember all of that night so clearly. The daze that I had faced the rest of the hours with. Home to my bed. To find tears for the first time and the comfort within them. Not cold comfort, but something close to feeling. Feeling like me, like Buffy.

The morning after when I looked in the mirror, I had the clearest view of all that I had become. Saw myself through the eyes of another. It called forth the scornful look on my face, the bitter taste in my mouth. Made me open the door on her with all of this on show… and yet still she wouldn’t budge. Here for Dawn, to pick up the pieces that I had let shatter. In her eyes I imagined all of the things that the mirror had shown me, provoked myself to remember the things which had made me despise her. I wouldn’t let her look at me like nothing, because I was better then her… remember? How it used to be? When things were right. When I was right.

The words which formed in my hate centred mind though, they were not the ones which fell from my mouth without warning. I don’t know where they came from. Those walls falling again as if just her presence held the power to calm me. As if she looked through the darkness and could still see me. See Buffy. In here and screaming to get out. The place where all of the feelings had been hiding, the place where I still lay grieving.

Standing next to her had made me remember. Her warmth provoking the warm feel of safety. And it made me kinda wonder right then and there if I hadn’t just overstepped the bounds to insanity?

As her feet moved her closer, mine sprang me backwards. A deer caught in the headlights. Not wanting her to see me. Didn’t want her to shine those lights too close and catch a glimpse of all that was inside. My sickening secret. The truth of who I was now. Not better than her, not better than anyone.

Stay away from me Faith.

I look to the door again and I wish that those words had never been mentioned. With every punch that I land, I silently beg for her to come and find me. To never ever stay away from me.

The fervour of my blows increases as I feel again the horror of when both of

their eyes had first rested upon me. Looking for Dawn and stumbling so close to my truth. His eyes sliding inside of me in unwanted penetration and hers standing by to bear witness. Not understanding what she was seeing. Just how evil, evil can be. I saw her wanting to protect me, the vibe left over of our matching footsteps enough to have her already accepting that we were partners. Still card carrying members of a double act where both of our backs would always be covered. And all I offered her in return was my real back. Had made my footsteps bear rhythm with his in a blatant disregard for everything I was beginning to feel. Really feel.

Still letting the disgust keep a hold, Spike holding the key to my prison of hate. The last time I had been with him, it had been shrouded in a passion that seeing Faith had urged me to feel. He recognised the difference, sneered at the light he was seeing through the cracks. Reminded me of all that I wasn’t, assured me I was still his, would be his as long as he demanded. He knew my secret too, he was my secret. Not ashamed to use it to remind me of where I would continue to go. To him.

I had almost cried tears of joy when Faith had thrown him from the house. Then I remembered my place and found confrontation. And then I really did cry. How could her words sound so good? How could the promise in them seem so real?

Everyone else was believing. Dawn, Tara, Willow. Was I wrong to start to believe in it too? To let the walls slip again and invite her in. A little look around, survey the damages. Pray that maybe she had a quote for repairs.

Agreeing to less hostility? It was so much easier then she thought. Her eyes hanging on me, her breath holding for an answer. And god… she still has those eyebrows that emphasise finding the fun! I had forgotten that fun existed. But in that second, with that look, I remembered. I may have smiled. I may have meant it. It may have even stayed sat on my lips as I stayed sat on the sofa, awaited her return. The creeping on the stairs, whose almost silent noises I know so well, letting me know that she was near. I could draw a plan of those steps and illustrate each little spot which creaks, the best places to sneak past a sleeping mother. To not wake a house of sleeping friends.

I held my breath to slow the steady thump thump thump in my chest. Forced myself to relax as she plucked the remote from my hand. The little chuckle that she produced almost making me give up the game. Admit I was there, and coming round fast. I didn’t want to spoil it though. I couldn’t bear to open my eyes on her and see the things that she felt. The way that she believed in me. Knowing all that I have done, I just couldn’t let her look at me in that way.

I heard rather then saw as she her placed her fingers to her lips, the soft sound of her kiss and then the soft feel of fingertips against my head. Soothing my brow, offering me something I had long given up on. Sweet dreams. It had sounded like a promise.

But I just couldn’t do the smart thing and accept it then and there. I was still too busy burying my head inside of my small, yet accommodating, ass and denying that the truth of my situation could indeed be found in Faith. In hope and belief. Instead I searched out again the opposite, all of Spike’s nasty truths which were tearing at my soul. My reality in his arms, my sickness in his touch.

I remember the night that I came so close to just laying down. Running as far away from the confusion as I possibly could get. Was I disgusting and wrong, fit for nothing but darkness? Or was I who I saw when she looked at me? Could I still be Buffy.

And I could. I was. I am?

I pushed him away from me, no explanations. Tore myself from his crypt and looked for the crumbs to follow on the path. I didn’t expect her to actually be there. So close to me after I had been so close to him. Would she smell him on me? Sense him on me? I wanted to push her away so that she would never have to see. But she wouldn’t be pushed. Stood firm again, offered her hand out again. And I clung for dear life. In that moment I clung to life. To her.

I let my smile grow as the footsteps marched us back to my house, my home. My mouth finding the way to fall back into banter, my ears to hear the sound of my laugh. I didn’t plan to invite her to the house of horrors for my birthday, it just seemed right. Amongst all of the bad stuff, all of the pain, it felt like the most right thing to do. Not for another slayer, but just… I guess just for her.

I look up at the clock as my arms slip to heavy. They feel like dead weight and that’s a concept which I fully understand. The minutes are ticking by, the sky growing darker. Everything is fading. I can’t punch anymore. Push any harder. Let my limbs crash down onto the softness of a training mat.

Everything had spun with the softness of her lips. Had crashed in so many different ways. Did I feel this?… Was she mad? It was all I could feel, all I had ever felt. The reason that my heart had started beating again. When her nose had grazed mine with such innocent feeling, I could do nothing but reply to her in kind. Prove just how deep it was all running, how deep she was touching me.

And then came the crash of the world. I hate that crash. I’m gonna manufacture earplugs that drown out the sounds, blindfolds that hide it from sight. If forever could have been hidden between her lips, then I would of happily have stayed in that moment for all of it. Instead her warmth brought back the taste of the cold, memories of where my lips had lied, places that bore them unworthy to ever taste kisses with her.

It wasn’t about saving myself anymore, it became about saving her. Not hurting her anymore, causing her more pain, extras added to all of the years. I tried to warn her to stay away, that my secrets were too harsh to share, too much to forgive. And it’s my fault for forgetting how stubborn she can be. How focused on what she wants.

Did I mean to call it a date? No. Did it feel like one? It felt like a date and then some. Nervous expectation, my blush as I spied her arriving so early, the easiness of how natural it was to be at her side. Back to the places that it had all began. I didn’t plan on the oaf of a newbie, the crazy way that she had lost the fight by looking at me. Only having eyes for me. I did get to squeeze both of her knees though… it wasn’t all bad.

The feeling like distance was being made. The slow signs welcome because it at least gave us direction. I had found the hope and belief, and I accepted that I wanted the Faith that went with them. I would destroy the secrets that had held me back, would end them and then speak them. Offer what I was and pray that it was still worth loving.

I ended it… but the secret was already out. I felt the dismay in her words, the anger, the revulsion. Still so close to the surface, so easy to welcome back. The horror at seeing so much in her eyes, not even beginning to match the horror at myself. I gave the last of my everything holding her back from him, from Spike. I had made myself less there, I couldn’t stand by and let her do the same. Let her lose herself in the evil which he offered so freely.

I didn’t stay to see that he was okay, how bad she had hurt him, all I cared about was how bad I had hurt her. How much damage my betrayal had caused this time. Then going to Cordy, but not having the words, finding the wrong ones. The blood at my mouth increasing her panic. Had Faith done this? I gave my ‘yes’ without explanation, led them all away from my wrongs, with worry about hers. Such a coward in the face of all that I had done. I saw it in her eyes when she had returned, and I withered under her glare. It provoked the truth today. A day when she wrapped her eyes up and away from me. Left me feeling like there is nothing left inside there for me, no more promises of better. Of salvation.

It made it easier to shock the socks off my friends with my nasty revelation. There was no more reason to try and hide it. What does it matter anymore?

I stare up at the ceiling and wonder if heaven really is up there and waiting. At the karmic cost to my scales since I have been back. So bad I want that pause button. The rewind button. The any button but now button. To take it all back and to do it all right. So bad I want it that I miss the sound of the volume button. Miss the turn of the door handle and the invasion of space. Don’t register a thing until the heaviness of her voice is falling deep into my ears.

“Are you ok?”

You what?… I barely dare to look, scared that all she could be bringing will be the final chapter in the book. Not asking me if she should stay, but telling me she is leaving. For her. Because I feel too much like pain. I lift myself slowly, elbows bending to support my weight, below her on the floor and looking up into the windows of her soul. The glasses are gone now, forcing me to fix my eyes onto the harsh brutality of her gaze. All of the different ways that she is hurting.

And yet she asks me if I am okay?

I can’t even pretend that I can hide behind perky. Behind a false tone of everything that I’m not. I look at her and I show the truth. No Faith, I’m not okay. I’m the furthest from okay that I’ve ever been in the whole of my sorry existence.

I bring myself to my knees and then to my feet, just one step closer, just one gaze more. Our eyes are connected in a hold that I never want to break, the world dimming as this moment slides into our never ending book of moments. Complete with the crackling intensity, the very air balancing on a knife edge. Frozen yet burning.

I wish I had the words, anything to show her how sorry I am. I go to speak, to find form for something that I know I need to say. “Faith…”

And it ends right there. Her hand raising up to stop me as her own mouth is opening. “No, I asked if you were okay.”

“But…”

“I don’t wanna hear it B… just let me know that you’re gonna be okay.”

“I…” I what? Her eyes are a wealth of unspoken information and I can’t miss the concern, after everything I can still hear it. Am shocked by the fact that it’s there. It inspires me to relax into my nod. “…I think so, I… I know it’s gonna take time. I’ve let them down, I get that…”

“You fucked up big style.”

She drops her gaze to the floor, shaking her head as a bitter laugh slips from her lips. “I never would’ve believed it B, not you… I swear I thought you were fucking perfect…” Confusion sounds through her words and she looks to me again. “…what the hell happened?”

I don’t know if she wants an answer, if I have an answer. She runs a hand up through her hair, letting out a sound that could be either a growl or a sigh. Maybe both. “Do you know how sick it is? Jesus, I can’t even stomach the thought of that fucker touching me… but you B? You let him, you fucking wanted him to!”

Her feet start to pace the space right in front of me, just pausing to crash her fist against the bag, the tension making me freeze in the spot where I stand, not daring to speak, to move, to breathe. Preparing myself to face the weight of her words, to accept the judgement that she offers me. Anything she offers me.

The silence that encroaches us causes me to seek her gaze again, to witness her struggle to find words, her mouth one minute falling open, and the next moment clamping shut. Her hands raising to accentuate the speech that doesn’t come, instead thrusting into the punch bag with another of the blows to beat back the pain. Blows that I almost wish were for me. That they would land on my skin and dull the pain there.

Her voice when she finds it is so far from Faith, so far from the energy of life, from the energy of her. It speaks flat in it’s monotone, devoid of all feeling. “How long have you been screwing him?”

And this time I know that an answer is demanded. Expected. Try to make my words stronger then a whisper. “Since… when Giles left. I…” I remember the feeling of abandonment. Of one more thing to hide from. “…I never meant for it to happen.”

Her eyes flick up and she’s calling me a liar. Disbelief etched right across her face. “No Faith… I swear, I never wanted to go there, I didn’t want him… I never wanted him.”

“So you thought that you’d prove it by fucking him?” It sounds as nasty coming from her lips as it did when he slid against my body. “Wanted to let him know first hand how much you didn’t want him?”

“You don’t understand…”

“Damn fucking right, I don’t understand!” She swings herself from the bag and stalks into my space, no longer devoid but coursing with anger, eyes flashing with danger as they settle onto me. “Are you gonna explain it to me B, dress it up with words about death, and pain… all of the bullshit?”

Her breath is falling heavy from her lips, her face is settling into a sneer. It’s a look I remember from so long ago. The one that she used to hide behind. That she used to fool us all with. I step towards her, I don’t mean to. I know she doesn’t want me… but I just move. Such a small distance to cross, my space to hers. She doesn’t react as I reach out a hand to her, still fixing the sneer, distaste sliding across my skin. And I just want to push through it.

I swallow the lump that threatens to quieten me and try to tell it like it is. Not what she thinks, what they all think. But the truth. My fingers turning her head back, even as she seeks to tear it away. “It wasn’t sex Faith… it was never about sex, about wanting him, touching him…” I remember his fingers as they crawled over body, eliciting cries and moans, drowning out the sorrow with the endless disgust. “…I hated him touching me, the ways that he touched me, and that’s why.”

Her gaze is unmoving, maybe unmoved. I drop my hand away from her and use it to trace away my tears, to try and wipe at the weakness that she’s getting to see. I don’t want to give her my tears, I owe her so much more than my tears. I hear my voice crack as I admit to how little I became, each word carrying the truth as I felt it. “I was so lost, so empty… I couldn’t do it anymore Faith, I didn’t know how to do it, to pretend, to smile, to live… Spike was the only one I could tell. The only one I could bare to show the truth to…”

She scoffs at my words, fills the silence with anger. “An evil vamp? All of your friends, and you could only share the truth with a blood sucking corpse?”

“My friends could never have dealt with it.”

“You never gave them the chance.”

I watch as she walks her way across the room, the fluid movement of her limbs lost in the tenseness of the moment. Her back so rigid as she fights what she’s feeling. I guess the need to pound me, to beat on me in the style of the slayer. I don’t know whether to carry on, whether she waits for more words to mock, more reasons to ridicule. I let my body sink back to the mats, strain my ears as she speaks in a whisper.

“How long? When… the last time? How long?” She doesn’t turn to look, perhaps protecting herself from the answer that she suspects.

And I want to lie, but she’ll know. “Last week, I… I went to him, I didn’t, we didn’t… sleep together, but I went to him… before the cemetery.”

“The cemetery?”

“Before I saw you.”

“Oh…”

“But not since, I haven’t gone there since.”

She swings round to face me, accusation in her eyes. “That’s not how it looked last night.”

I know that I deserve her accusations, all of them. But not for last night. Last night was different, last night was me ending the madness, releasing myself from the last of the binds which had tied me to death. I didn’t want to roll around in the dirt anymore, I wanted my life back. I want to live.

“Last night was different Faith, I was putting a stop to it… ending it.”

“You never should have started it!”

“And you think I don’t know that? You think I don’t spend all of my seconds just wishing I could change it…” My voice carried me up from the floor, my feet carrying me across the room. “…I hate what I did! I hate it Faith…” I see her retreating, not with her body, it’s all in the eyes. Taking them away from me, closing herself to all of my regrets. “…I hate what I’ve done to you.”

It falls from my mouth just a whisper, the most honest truth that I know. And it nails my coffin shut. The change that comes over her is heart breaking to watch. The solidness in her stance, no softness about her edges. She’s looking into me again and it’s like no one is there. Emptiness and voids. “Forget it.”

“Forget it?”

And she can keep me from her eyes, but she can’t keep the sigh from escaping her lips. “This can’t be about this, not now B.”

‘This’ has me almost falling into her space, the just one touch to make it better. And she moves before I do. A pace across the floor to safer waters. Emphasising the distance between us in the most obvious way. “That shit with the witches, I don’t know if you feel it..?”

The dread. I nod my head, try to steady my focus on this problem.

“I’ve been getting the nasty vibe since your birthday B, and I dunno… I feel like this shit is gonna be real bad.”

“Shit usually is.”

“Cute.” She rolls the business eyes up to the ceiling. “We’ve gotta get a grip on it though, I spoke to Angel…” She pauses when she says that and I can only guess why. What other things they talked about. I hang my head in shame, listen to her words with my eyes to the ground. “…he said he can come down if we need him, that Wes and Fred could come too, it could help?”

“You’re asking me?”

“This is still your show to run, I don’t wanna step on no toes.” And I wish she would come close enough to step on toes.

“No toes stepped on.” I try and smile, but really, she’s not responsive. “I don’t know if we need them, Giles is coming… maybe they could dig up info their end?”

“Yeah, I said that, Angel hates doing the work and not getting the action though, Cordy can testify to that…” Huh? I catch the eyebrows but not the meaning.

“…if they find something out, then they’ll be here before you can say ‘helps the helpless’, he takes the champion thing pretty serious, ya know?”

I see the fondness for Angel and it’s a nice break from seeing the scowls for me. “How is Angel?” I try and keep it going, I haven’t seen him since… well, since my resurrection, another thing I let slide.

“He thinks that you’re seriously whacked, ‘part from that he’s cool, working on his tan.”

“You told him then… about me, and… Spike?”

“Honesty amongst friends B. You should try it.”

And I am chastised again. It throws us back into a silence that even big bads can’t begin to cover. Am I allowed to speak more? Does she really not want to listen? “Faith?”

Can she even hear me?

“I think we should shake up patrol, no one goes out alone, and the witches…” She rolls right around the moment and forces us back on track. “…I think one of us needs to be with them at all times…”

“All times?”

“There ain’t no way these fuckers are getting their hands on them girls, we’ll split shift, I’ll cover when you’re at work, you can do the rest.”

“And patrol?”

“Whoever’s off duty gets to do the rest of the duties.” She shrugs her shoulders, walks a little closer. “It means no down time, but we’re slayers right? It’s the job.”

And when did she get so good at her job? “You’ve got it all worked out huh?”

“You think I’m wrong?”

“No, I’m just… impressed.” I try for that smile again, is it safe to give smiles?

“Right.” She blows off the compliment, ignores the smile. “You got anything to add?”

I’m like a calculator on speed, I have a thousand and one things to add. None of them anything that she wants to hear though. “No, I’m good. You’ve got it all covered.”

“Not quite all.”

“Huh?”

I watch as her shoulders square, her face so tense that rigid seems soft in comparison. “It fucking pains me to say this B, but I’ve been thinking...”

I hear the tone and I’m fearing the worst. Is this the leaving speech? I catch her eyes, see that the pain is back, not even walls enough to ensnare her level of discomfort.

“It’s about Spike.” It’s a word wrapped in so much hate now, so much bitterness. She spits it from her lips making the distaste known. But I don‘t understand.

“What about him?” Maybe she’ll tell me that she is going to kill him. To more kill him. I expect it, I’d almost welcome it. But I won’t let her clean up my mistakes. I prepare myself to plead my case. To hold her back again… then she just shocks the ass off of me.

“Do you think that maybe Dawn was right?”

And holy freaking huh? “You what!?”

“Do you think that he could help?”

I swear I must be looking at her as if SHE is now fit for insanity. My mouth hanging open, my eyebrows up on the ceiling. I see her slip her head to the side, watch her admire my pose. “Chill B, I don’t fucking like it, but I’m not fucking stupid.” Her hands slip to the punch bag again, not pounding now, but gripping. “If you think he can help, that he can give us anything…”

I want to say ‘no’! To protest and to banish him far from my life. But it could be ‘yes’. Speaking about big bads was never much on our agenda. Speaking wasn’t much on the agenda. For all I know Spike could hold the key to everything, and I wouldn’t have a clue. Slayer sleuth? Not a chance. “I don’t… I haven’t asked him.”

She pauses on her breath, looks me slowly over. “Are you up to asking him?”

“Me?”

“Well I’m pretty sure that I don’t need to see him. I‘d get all stake happy.”

“Right… well, sure!” And I SO don’t need to see him. “I’ll… swing by tomorrow…” The thought of seeing him now is enough to make me want to physically gag. My insides twisting as I think of his eyes sliding over me again. How did I ever let him touch me?

“Are you sure it’s cool?” She looks so uncomfortable, unsure of what she should say, what it’s ok to say. “He won’t try and… hurt you?”

“I’d kill him before he could he touch me.”

Even she can’t miss the force of my tone. I mean every word. I never want him to touch me again. Ever. If he can help us? Great. But nothing more. Never again. Her eyes are stuck on looking at me, questioning me. “You mean that?”

“I swear it.”

She nods as if she accepts it. Moves a step closer to walk to the door. “Well, I guess that’s everything.”

“No Faith, wait…”

“I said not now.” I ignore her words to stand my way in front of her, try and be the immovable object that she has been for me. She sighs again, pulls her hand through her hair again. “For fucks sake B, what do you expect from me?”

“I just want you to listen.” I appeal to her with everything that I feel, don’t shroud anything anymore, free from the burdens to show her all of my truths. Those deep brown pools of emotion looking right into me. And she’s letting it all flow again. “Can you do that Faith?”

Her fingers shake as they hover through the air to reach me, almost not touching, just grazing my cheek. I try so hard not to breathe, not to move, not to take my eyes away. Her voice is broken, not directing at me. I’m not even sure that she is talking to me.

“I am so screwed.”

“You what?”

She drops her hand back to her side. Gives a laugh that’s not quite hollow. “Nothing, it doesn’t matter.” But it does matter, all of this matters. I don’t know what to do. What to say. I pause on the instant, leave the ball in her court and hope that she feels like playing. Try not to keep the hope in my eyes, to make her feel like I expect anything from her. I do just want her to listen.

“I’ll make you a deal.”

“A deal?”

“All of this B? I’ve gotta be honest, it feels pretty fucking shit… I can’t, man…” Her frustration growls from her chest and resonates against mine. I didn’t realise how close our space was again. How she hasn’t stepped back. “…it’s just messed up, and I don’t think I can deal with it all right now.”

My head drops as the words do the same. Makes her fingers touch my skin again. Makes me wanna keep dropping my head. Instead I raise it as she demands, let myself be the one who has to listen.

“I’m not saying I won’t deal B, I’m just saying not now… we’ve got so much shit to get through, the witches to look after… just, can we leave this for now? We’ll save the world first and then we’ll save ourselves.”

“You think that we can be saved?”

“Do you?”

What is it with answering questions with questions? And how to answer? Does ‘yes’ sound too cocky, too dismissive of what I’ve done? I try and muster some confidence, put some strength into my words. “I hope so Faith, I really truly hope so.”

And my god! Is that a dimple? “Are you smiling?”

“Maybe… but I’m definitely not meaning to.” She only smiles wider with her words, blows her own assurance straight out of the water.

“Well… it’s a nice non-smile.”

“You know it’s not for you, right? I’m still pissed at you B.”

And I ignore the humour and catch the truth. “I get that, I’ve got lots of making up to do.” I can feel the tension lifting. That calmness that her presence brings seeping it’s way through to my bones. I know just how bad I have messed everything up, but she isn’t turning her back on me. Giving up on me.

The anger still simmers just below the surface, her disappointment and her pain… but through all of it, in her eyes that she’s resting upon me without the discomfort, there I just see Faith. And it’s like I said… she looks at me and she just sees Buffy.

It is the same. Different but the same. The reason that my heart started beating again.

“Make it up to the others first ,yeah? Dawn took it pretty harsh, your friends… I can wait B, serious, we’ve got the slayer gig to get on with… lets deal with that and then we’ll deal with…”

Her voice drops to nothing and her gaze drops to the space between our bodies. There isn’t so much, me leaning in, her leaning in. The gap shrinking quickly.

“With us, Faith?”

I’m speaking almost against her lips, trying to keep it all steady. To ignore the pull which threatens to drag me onto her. Into her. She’s not helping me though. I see where her own eyes sit, not listening to words, but watching them being formed. Watching my mouth move, just as I’m watching hers. “Yeah, with us.”

I can’t stop the slight whimper that slips straight from my throat as her body pulls back, as she straightens those shoulders and shakes off the feeling. It makes her look at me funny, makes the corners of her mouth curve up into another smile. Makes words fall from her lips as she turns away from facing me. “Yeah, I’m definitely screwed.”

I don’t ask. Watch her back as it makes it’s way closer to the door. Then she’s stopping and turning, speaking. “I’m gonna grab Cordy and then shoot, I guess I’ll speak to you tomorrow?”

“Definitely.”

“And the vamp thing?” And I’m listening. “If you need me, if you don’t wanna go alone… I’ll come ok?” And I really don’t think that that’s the best idea ever. Maybe my eyes have gone wide, but she’s shaking her head. “Contrary to some people’s words B, I am pretty good at reeling in the madness. I can cope… if you need me?”

“I’ll be fine. Really. It’ll all be fine.” I don’t know who I’m trying to tell. I know that I don’t want to see Spike, I need distance from my mistake. But still I assure her. It is my mess to clean.

“Cool, … that’s all then right?”

Her hand is on the door and I wish I could think of a valid reason for her to stay. I stand and watch her go though, catch her goodbye, another half smile.

And she truly is amazing.

Angel was the love of my life. But now? Now it feels like I have a new life, a new love. What I feel for her I have never felt… not years ago when she was here, it’s so much more than that. Much more than anything. I don’t know? Maybe I had to die to appreciate it, to accept it.

I thought that the third time would be the charm for dying, but with her half smiles I see, so still wrapped in promises? Now I’m kinda thinking that the third time living might just be the charm. We’ll sort out this bad, and then we can get to the ‘us’.

I can live with that, I can live for that. ‘Us’. It’s a word that I like. A word that I wanna use more of.

Chapter 20

POV Faith

Forgiveness.

A word that comes with being sorry. A word that I understand. I’ve been sorry for so many things during my life, that there was a time I didn’t just wonder that ‘sorry’ wasn’t my name. Not Faith, that was a cool name, a name for someone who was good. Someone to believe in. Not me. No. Sorry suited me better than any word I had ever heard, one big fucked up walking mistake. Not a chance at being good, cos I was just so damn bad.

I didn’t even know how much I hated it. For so long I ran with the idea that I was tougher, better, that no one could touch me, I didn’t want to be touched. I was every masochist’s dream date. Fuck me more, fuck me harder, fuck me up. As long as there was no pillow talk after, no voice to remind me of where I was… hell, then I was fine. Then I could tell myself that I was in control. That I was the fucking queen of badass.

Tears only ever allowed to fall if I was smashed, if alcohol had dulled my senses enough not to care. Not to fight. Weakness didn’t matter then, not when I could wake up the next day and throw up the sickness out of me. Another day, back on the track. Another day to spiral further and further down, distancing myself from life until all that was left was to beg for death. Until I had destroyed every single tie that could have kept me clinging to the thing called living.

So yes. I know sorry. I know what it looks like. What it tastes like. And I know what it sounds like. Not the two syllable word that doesn’t count for shit, show me that word and I’ll beat ya to death.., I mean the real sorry. The one that speaks for more than a thousand empty words. The one that bares it’s pain in a hunch of a shoulder, in the weariness of an eye. In the willingness to stand and take more pain because you believe that is all that there is left that you could possibly deserve. All that you will ever deserve.

But everyone deserves another chance. Not a second chance. Or a third chance. Fuck it… a million damn chances. If someone can stand and be that sorry then they deserve everything that you have left. Even someone like me. Someone who took life. Someone who fucked over her friends. Who hurt the one person that had ever tried to make them different. Make them more. Even I got another chance. And I know if I fall down again, if I scrape my knees on the path marked evil, I know that still there’d be people there pulling me back, holding onto me… believing in me.

There’s a whole lot of strength in that knowledge. Even when the world starts shaking again, there’s strength. A place to turn to. A centre of calm. Angel had helped me find mine. Had helped me find a lot of things. It was him who first made me realise what forgiveness really was. How it came with being sorry.

It ain’t even something you can work at either. I mean what? Be good for a few days and I’ll forgive you? Fuck off. That’s as bullshit as them other two syllables. You show me that you’re sorry, you show me with the hunch, with the weariness… you show me something I can recognise and you have my forgiveness. Don’t even gotta ask for it… I know what the bottom of the barrel feels like. I wouldn’t make anyone stay there if I could help them out, could give them a hand up.

And I’m not a fucking hero, Angel is a hero. These are his words, I’m borrowing them because I believe in them. I trust in them.

I was so full of rage and anger when I spoke to him, every word a cuss word, every sentence spat with hate down the phone. He hung up on me, told me to call again once I’d put the old me back to bed. Said if I didn’t ring him back in five minutes he was gonna be getting his ass down here to take a kick at mine. And then he gave me the cut off tone. The fucking receiver sitting pointless in my grasp. So much sitting pointless within my grasp.

Made me take a step back. A sit down. A long fucking sigh and then back on the phone. I knew that he would shut me up, it was why I had rang him. And I knew that he would make me remember, remember how sorry I was, how easy forgiveness should be. How destructive hate can be.

He gets the Buffy thing just like I do. It cuts him too, hurts him too. When you love someone you don’t want to see them fall, to see them lower themselves to the worst kind of depravity. Destroying themselves because it’s all that they can do. No. When you love someone you want them to shine, to sparkle… more than anything you want them to smile. He wants Buffy’s happiness just like I do.

So I know that I can forgive her. I do forgive her. I only had to look at how sorry she was and I forgave her. But the bitch of the sitch is that forgetting is so much harder. And everyone knows that. Look at Wes. The guy works side to side with me, he relies on me. Yet he’s still fucking scared of me. One wrong word and he shits his pants. A wrong look, a harsh tone. He hasn’t forgotten. No matter if he forgives me, he can’t forget. And the Scoobs? Man, they took me in like I never would’ve believed, but it still only took one word from Buffy to make them trust that I was flipping. Memories are a hard fucking thing to get rid of. They bare the scars of all of my bad times just like I do. Maybe always will do.

So I’m stuck in a place where every moment, I want to pull her up from that barrel, yet I don’t wanna touch her for fear of what I’ll feel. If his touch has branded itself to her skin, a tattoo that can’t be erased, a stench that can’t be removed.

Listening to her justify it had made me feel sick. Hearing the words again, seeing the show in my head… fuck. I threw acid from my tongue without even thinking. Defences still urging that I should hit back. Should hurt back. ‘You’re sorry B? Well fuck you B’. That’s what those minutes felt like. They felt like crushing her underfoot. Ignoring every word I’d heard, all the syllables. They were bullshit.

And they stayed bullshit until I heard the tone. Until I saw the way her eyes shone with the horror of just everything. Her arms sliding around herself in a last grab at comfort. Then it stopped being bullshit. I felt the words.

‘…he can hurt me.’ And I saw just how much he had. Just how much she had hurt herself.

I slapped back the troops with some more of that acid, doused the flames of riot with a forceful punch of my own. It hurt to dismiss her, to toss her aside, but it hurt less than watching her get ripped apart. Than seeing her ready to just accept blows. Her friends are angry, they have that right… they all have the right, but destroying Buffy isn’t the way to get over it. Especially not now. Not when they all need each other so much.

I didn’t think that I was ready to face her in the basement, didn’t think that I could make my mouth work without adding more of the bad stuff. God, I tried so hard to just keep it..? Calm? Stable? Not another fucking moment that wraps us up and in. I am a slayer, she is a slayer, the world needs saving. I tried to keep it that. Not us.

I got angry at myself for wanting to care so much. For wanting my first act to be taking her in my arms and holding her firm. Holding her steady. I got angry that all she ever seems to do is to touch inside of me… even after this, after him, she still has the fucking ability to make my heart pound louder. It’s not a realisation to keep cool to. I had to question her on him, to make her say the words to keep it real, to keep myself from just falling to my knees and holding her.

Fight the buzz. Fight the feeling. Punch the bag. Punch anything.

Every time I felt the pull bring her nearer, I took a step away. Tried to ignore whatever the hell it is that has us bound together, the thing that makes loving her seem like the most natural thing in the world. Imagined him instead, the sneer that sits on his face so well. That vibe that crawls across my skin. And then her words, reaching in… touching places.

Don’t listen. Don’t react. Don’t make it so damn fucking easy!

And I said that I was screwed. It was the first feeling that made sense. I wanted the truth and she gave me the truth. Truth that made me sick, that made me retch with the knowledge. But still not the loudest truth. The one that I saw, the one that I have been seeing. The one that stopped her eyes looking dead, the one that says no matter what..? My shit, her shit… the whole fucking world’s shit, it doesn’t matter. Because underneath it all we just see each other.

It softened the edges. It made me smile.

It makes me wish that I could forget the pressure of the job and whisk her away for a weekend in the country. A well deserved R&R. But instead I have to make this not about us, not about losing sight of everything to lose my sight in her. Sometimes just standing next to her can make the world fade, can make everything else dull in comparison… and I can’t do that. I can’t protect a world that I can’t see.

So I’ll keep her at arms length, I’ll be the slayer to her slayer and for now that is all. It’s like I said, we can save the world and then we can save ourselves. And I do believe that we can be saved, but more than that I believe that we deserve the chance to be saved. To take the ‘this’ that keeps me coming back for more and turn it into an ‘us’.

It still hurts, it still gives me pain like no fucking other… but I know that she didn’t mean to hurt me. Didn’t plan to hurt me. It was all about hurting herself. I understand that. I know that. And I forgive that.

It is all that I could do.

Now ask me about the dead fucker. Ask me how damn hard it is to turn to him for help when all I want to do is to turn him into dust. My sickness is all for him now, my sneers and my distaste. I know how evil works, the way it slips into our cracks, slides in past our defences. With me it was the Mayor, knowing which words he needed to say to sway my feet, to have me falling into step beside him… and with B it was Spike. Sliding his deceit inside of her, tainting her with the blackness that is all evil. I bet he thought a thousand fucking years of Christmases had come at once when he saw how easy it would be to screw her over. How fucking desperate and sinking fast she was. The guy could have been a fucking hero, could have been more than the chip in his head. But he wasn’t. He took her. And he hurt her. I fucking hate him.

But I can reel it. I’m the god damn slayer, I waste things bigger and badder than him for breakfast. He won’t break me. Won’t taunt me into losing my control. He can help and then he can fuck off, understand that his ‘free pass’ here is over now… my say so. My rules. Do I sound tough? I ought to, I damn well feel it. My hand around my stake assures me of it. One wrong move, one wrong look. You can believe that I’ll be looking for it.

I look again at the phone that prompted this latest bout of deep thought. The words that she said, the orders that she issued. Seems we’re moving up a gear, that the time to fight is drawing closer. It suits me, I want it over and done with, put to rest. I search out Cordy to give her the low down, find her propped on the sofa staring contentedly at the TV. Her eyes rising to meet mine as soon as she hears me. I know I’m not the only one that wants this over, that wants to move on. Cordy has places to be, people to see.

“That was B on the phone, she wants us to go over…”

“And what Buffy wants, Buffy gets. There’s a surprise!”

“Huh…?” Did someone turn up the hostility? “What’s the deal Cor?”

“You! And her!… don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of ‘Psycho Faith’, anymore than the next person, but…”

Oh, I know where this is going. She wants to run a protection ring all around me. Save me from the big bad B.

“…I don’t understand how you can be so..?”

“Forgiving?”

“No! Not forgiving… whupped!” I am SO not whupped. “One word from her and we’re back best buds? I didn’t even get to shout at her! I WANTED to shout at her!”

“You wanted to shout at her?” I back away as she gets up, it’s not so often that Cordy loses her cool. It’s pretty frightening, even for me.

“She ‘needs’ shouting at! All those times Faith, you remember them? With Dawn… and she was, with… ugh, it’s so wrong!” Her hands are gesticulating wildly and her eyes are flaming fire. “And you? The way she plays you…”

“Hold up there Cordy.” I raise my hand, I may be scared but I am not being played. “You can tear as many strips from her as you like, but not for that… she hasn’t played me. Not this time.”

“You see? Whupped!” Her face looks like pain, and I worry she might blow a gasket. Or ten. I’ll go for the calming voice, point her towards reason.

“Did you speak to Angel?” And more flashes of pain.

“Yes! And don’t worry… his saying the same lines as you. ‘Forgive Buffy, Love Buffy’, well ya know what?”

I shake my head. “Fuck Buffy!”

Ok. I need to work on my calming skills. “Fuck Buffy?”

“I’m sick of it being ok for her to hurt people, people that I care about.”

Her angers dissipates over the last word and I get it. Of course I do. “Cordy, you’ve gotta know that it wasn’t about hurting me, Dawn, hurting any of us. It was about hurting herself.”

She looks unimpressed, and I see again that she’s heard that too. “Well I guess the collateral damage is ok then, right? As long as it was centred on Buffy, everyone else can fall by the way… same old Sunnydale story.”

God. With the bitter. “Why so pissed? It’s not like you to not find the empathy.”

“Maybe for just a second I’d like the world not to revolve around her! Five minutes back and my whole world depends on the moods of Buffy Summers. Why is that?”

“I dunno… maybe you’re hot for her?” I watch as her face goes from thunder to the ridiculous. See some of my Cordy come back to the fore.

“Hot… for her?”

“Uh-huh. She’s got ya pretty worked up there, all flushed, little breathless…” I’m wiggling my brows, giving her all of my looks. “…maybe you’re the whupped one?”

I swear she’s fucking growling! “I will never be hot for a girl like her! EVER! You and Angel can have that all for yourselves…”

Ooooh! Spot the obvious? Anyone?

“So you’re pissed at Angel then?”

She’s trying to hide it. “Which logic are you using there Faith?”

“The state the obvious one, it’s my favourite.” And I won’t let her.

Her rampant pacing halts to a stop, the sofa battered as she throws herself down. “Just tell me Faith, why her? Am I missing something? The way Angel speaks about her it’s like she’s the damn second coming…”

And what can I say? Of course Angel loves her. Always will. But he’s not like… IN love with her. I know that. “I think you’re freaking for nothing, the big guy just wants the best for her, same as he wants the best for me… for you.”

I watch as she sighs so fucking large. “Can we just get out of here soon? I swear I hate Sunnydale.”

“That’s kinda what I came out here for, B said on the phone that…”

“Didn’t you speak to her enough last night?”

“Huh?”

“Well, what was it… three times?”

Oh for fucks sake. “They were about the bad stuff! They were business calls!

“Yes Faith, I forgot how business minded you are…”

This isn’t fair. “Man, can you cut me a break here? I’m trying ok?” I see her hush, her mouth close with a question in her eye. “I don’t want to bend over backwards for her, I swear I don’t… but I can’t not forgive her Cordy, not because I love her, or any of that shit… but because I know what it’s like, I know that she’s sorry.”

Maybe the depth in my words touches somewhere, because she doesn’t fire back Cordy style. She takes a breath and keeps it tight. Allows me to keep speaking. Explaining. “I rang her again last night because she went to see him… I wanted to know how it went…”

“Dusty?”

I give her the look that says ‘I wish’. “No, not this time, seems he thinks he can help. He’s got some info.”

“And then will she dust him?”

What do I know? He’s not chipped up to her. She’s allowed to dust him. Right? “Fucked if I know Cordy, I doubt it…”

She looks, I look. We both sigh. “So what is the plan according to our wondrous leader?”

“We’re meeting at hers, after sundown.” I look out the window. It is sundown. “Giles got in this afternoon, Spike’s gonna be there… I think it’s just pow-wow, we get the evil dead’s info, Giles points us in the right direction.”

“Yay! More research!” And I feel that. There’s nothing more strenuous than hitting the books. I’d rather hit anything else. I watch as she closes her eyes for a second, opens them up with a glint in her eye. The Cordy glint.

“Hey, do you think Giles got all sexy and cool like Wes did?”

And where did that come from? “You think Wes is sexy cool?”

It’s fun to watch her stumble back over her words. The eyes all flying wide. “Uh… sexier? Cooler?”

And I ain’t even keeping in my laughs. It’s sweet relief. “It wouldn’t be hard!” She laughs with me, glad to have escaped. It only makes me laugh harder. “And don’t think you’re getting away with it… I am SO telling Angel that you’re crushing on Wes again, man, he’s gonna be broken hearted…”

“I am NOT crushing on Wes, ewww, the memories…”

“They keep you warm at night?”

“Faith!”

And I see no reason to stop. “All the time I though you were sweet on Angel, you got me fooled. Really, kudos to you girl…” I’m ready to launch into some full on teasing. A break from the bad stuff. Just finding the fun.

“Faith, I’m saying this one last time. I do not have a crush on Wes, NOT even a little…” I stick my tongue out. I feel juvenile. “…and Angel.”

Her voice softens. Just like that. And I forget the fun. Just like that. “I know you think there’s some great romance going on, but really… no. It’s just, I just love him. You get that?”

Of course I get that, and now I feel mean for the teasing. It must be hard, loving something you know you can never have. Not really have. Another place I remember. I should be a fucking tour guide.

“I get it. I’m sorry.”

“Forgiven.”

She smiles the kinda smile you only get to see if you live in her circle. She can be as caustic to the rest of the world as she likes. Cordelia Chase is a fucking beautiful person. You just have to be in her circle to see it.

It’s broken the chain of banter. Both of us calm now. Just sitting, just thinking. I would’ve guessed that her thoughts rested with Angel, not the other vampire… but her words teach me different. “Will you be ok tonight, with him there?”

“Ask me if HE will be ok?”

And I have to watch that venom. It falls so easily for him. “Faith?”

My hands find my hair as if they are pulling out the sigh. “I just wanna kill him Cor, want to end him… it burns me, you know?”

I see her nod, she reaches out her hand and places it calmly on my arm. A little squeeze, a little comfort. “It’s not for me. It WAS for me… to calm my anger, dull the pain… but now? Now I just want to wipe out what he did to her. She was at her lowest and he just dragged her down lower… took her to the depths and then some, I just… I fucking hate him, do you get that?”

Another squeeze. Permission to continue. “I won’t lose it, I know I won’t… but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to. That it’s hard. Slaying’s what I do, he makes me want to do it.”

“You’ll be fine.”

“He even looks at me wrong though, speaks to me…”

“Shush.” She won’t let the anger boil. Knows me well enough to prevent it. “He won’t get near you Faith, I won’t let him. You may have some moral hang ups, but I’m not so afflicted… he comes near you and I’ll kill him.”

And I believe her. Balls of steel this woman. Fucking balls of steel. “Thanks.”

“The same goes for Buffy.”

“Huh?”

“If she hurts you again Faith, then she’s done for. I won’t make this hard for her, and that’s for you.” Should I say thank you again? “I understand that she was in pain, I’m not an ass… but I love you, you know that. If she hurts you again, I won’t be held back.”

“You want me to warn her?”

“I can take care of that myself, I think, don’t you?”

I believe she could take care of anything. Have I ever told you she’s my hero? “I think you have it under control… just go easy though ok? She’s pretty beat up, no need to add to that.”

I don’t mean it too, but that does come out a little sounding like a warning. No threat, not hostile. But a silent warning. I love Buffy, and I don’t want to see HER hurt again.

Her eyes roll, her head shakes. She mumbles under her breath. “Whupped.”

And I don’t even argue. I know the truth. I’m not whupped, I’m looking to find the bricks to build a partnership. The road to equality. If I’m whupped, then I’ve seen enough in her eyes to know that she is whupped too. I can deal with that. Give me the time, and I’ll deal with all of it.

“Are you ready set to motor?”

Her face says no. A firm no. Luckily her words disagree. “Sure, can’t wait… bring on the fun times.”

“I hear ya.” And I do. Oh for just one night of fun…

We pick ourselves up though, dust ourselves off for more of the same. Hopefully something we can work with. An idea what we’re dealing with. She plods to the car with heaviness in her step. I can’t help but feel the lightness in mine. Yeah it’s work, yeah it’s hard. But ya see… I have this partner. A slayer to my slayer. And the world can throw us whatever it wants, we’ll take whatever it gives.

Yeah I’m light. And I’m ready to burn the darkness.

*****

The troops were assembling as troops always do. There to face the bad, there to fight the bad. It was what they did. Regardless of their worlds, the things which rocked them personally, they were always there. Xander with Anya, so often the relief amongst the angst. Willow and Tara, beaten but not broken. Dawn skittish, not happy to be facing more of the bad stuff, the scary stuff. And Buffy. Still suffering the feel of castration, an aside from the group that she felt she understood. Believed that she deserved.

Giles returning home today, home to them, it had felt so damn good, one more reason to smile amongst so many reasons to find tears. Buffy had lost herself in his embrace, not scared to burst forth to him with feeling, to show him just how far from the path of goodness she had strayed. And he had taken it in his stride, not offered more words of disgust and distaste. Mostly just disbelief. Absolute wonder that she could have ever turned to something that was just so… vile.

And then he had been swamped by the others, everyone exuberant to have him back in town. Back in the fold. The gloom of knowing nothing, lifting with the knowledge that he was there. That he was back guiding the ship. Hopefully sailing around the disasters. It wasn’t like they blamed him for going… not really. It had just seemed that since he had left, there had been so much that had gone wrong. Him letting go of their hands being all of their cues to fall.

They were waiting now, just tapping there toes to the sound of the clock and counting all of the minutes. Spike was coming. And no one was happy about it. They had learnt to accept him as a helper on the periphery, but letting him back into their core, now that he had struck at their hearts? It helped to keep the beginning of sneers in place. A general air of discontent. When the door had gone at the back they had all looked up. All knowing who still thought they had easy access. Who didn’t realise just how hated he had become.

“Spike.” And it was Giles who took the charge, the role of protective father so easy to fall back on.

“Oh bloody hell, ‘you’re’ back.” The vampire tried to keep his menacing form. It was hard. His face bore the healing scars of a thousand hits, and his body moved with the evidence of a thousand more. It made the group smile. Made them grateful to Faith. She may not have executed the job in the full way that they all wished for, but seeing him before them like this was some kind of payback. A calming measure.

“Yes Spike, I am back. You’ll be pleased to know that I’ve heard all about your nasty little soirees with Buffy, and if you didn’t look so pathetic, I would beat you myself.” His voice bore the tone that they would all think of as ‘Ripper’. He had no trouble projecting HIS menacing form.

“She was there too you know? I didn’t deflower your Virgin Bloody Buffy all by myself!”

It made the man advance, so quickly from cool, into the heat of rage. The former watcher using all of his strength to wrap his hand around the throat of the vampire. “I think you should speak only when asked from now on. Don’t you?”

“Giles, leave him… he is here to help, right Spike?”

He released his hold and stepped back, didn’t remove the solid look of distaste from his face.

The vampire straightened himself up and gained some distance from the angry old guy, he trailed his gaze up over the girl, the girl that he had possessed. Wanted back. Making it plain where his thoughts lay. Where his eyes wandered. “Sure thing Blondie, I’ve got lots that you need.”

She tried to stop his eyes from entering her, the eyes of all of her friends studying her with their inquisitive gazes. “Right. Lots of information. That’s good.”

“So can we start already? I for one have loads more important things to do other than this, weddings don’t plan themselves you know.”

“An honey, we’re waiting for Faith, we can do wedding stuff later… MORE wedding stuff.” His sigh was felt through the room. Maybe research wasn’t the worst thing ever. It gave them something to think about, something other than the bruise covered corpse sitting on the sofa. Something to occupy them until the door knocked this time. No presumption to just enter. Making Tara lift up, open the door. Find a smile.

“Faith, Cordy… we were just waiting for you.”

“The best things come, princess.” Faith wiggled her eyebrows at the witch. She wouldn’t betray true feelings. Her nervousness of this moment. Deep breaths. In and out. There was nothing in this room that could beat her. Nothing.

She flicked her eyes to them all with a genuine smile. Stepped up to Giles. Maybe wavered a little. “Hey, Giles…”

“Faith, I heard you were back, Buffy’s been filling me in.”

“Right.., uh… is that good?”

“It’s certainly not bad. I hear you’ve been doing really well for yourself, for everybody.”

“Hey, you gonna start hugging me? Getting with the tears?”

“Not very likely. I just wanted to say well done. I always wondered that there wasn’t more to you.”

She grinned a little at that. She used to wonder the same thing. “Well I’m trying. It’s tough, but it’s worth it.” And then she grinned a lot. More bridges crossed, more of that forgiveness. She almost wished that she didn’t have to turn her gaze to him. To look at the face of all of her distaste. At least he was broken, battered and torn. It was the only thought that she would allow. Not the others. The plaguing ones. No. She couldn’t forget, but she didn’t want to remember. So she focused on his pain. Allowed herself to find her own sardonic smile. “Spikey, nice of YOU to drop by.”

And his sneer couldn’t touch her. Cordy’s arm was by her side, soft soothing circles. Adding words to keep her cool. “You look a little beaten there Spike, you should be careful who you upset.”

“Enough, It seems that everybody’s here… can we get down to business?”

“Where’s Andrew?” Tara spoke up, the one watching the others. Signs, signals. Not much getting past. She noticed the lacking, the one who was missing.

“Andrew? Who’s Andrew?”

“He’s uh… he’s our new boy wonder, Giles. He gets the cakes and stuff now, I got a promotion!”

“Wonderful Xander, so where is he?”

“He’s probably sodded off, can we just get on with this?” Spike kept his eyes down. His knowledge on the inside.

“Tell us what you know…” And Buffy stood, forgetting the personal, ready to command again. “…that’s a good place to start.”

“I was playing poker, didn’t think nothing of it… hearing talk about demons pissing off cos they heard the big stuff was coming. This is the Hellmouth, the big stuff is always coming…”

“So what’s the big stuff?”

No one could miss the little smile that crossed his busted lips. Just for a second, just for a moment. Too quick to analyse. Just noticed. “Something about a… ‘well of all evil’? That sound like anything you know?”

“Oh forget it Spike, I was a demon for centuries… I know that place is a myth, everyone knows that place is a myth!”

“Suit yourself, not what I heard.”

“What are we talking about..? A well of what?”

“All evil Buffy… like a bedtime story for demons. A place where their energy would go when vanquished. Like demon heaven… just as mythical as ours.”

“Slow down Giles, I was IN heaven… no myth!”

Buffy watched as her watcher cast her a glance slightly dubious. “You think that you were in heaven, it could have been any realm… any existence, you have no proof that it was actual ‘heaven’ as such.”

She stood there astounded. It WAS heaven. And it wasn’t mythical.

“So what’s the what with the facts watcher guy? The vamp speaking crap?” Faith was hoping on ‘yes’. Maybe praying on ‘no’. She didn’t want his help, so fucking didn’t want his help, but they needed something. Even mythical places. “We ringing the wrong bells?”

“According to all known research the place is myth, a belief for demons that they would gain a return to existence… that if the portals between worlds was opened then all evil could be reborn. A scary tale, but as far as is known, still just a tale.”

“So why are all the locals pissing off? If it’s ‘just’ mythical?”

Tara added her quiet voice to the proceedings. An observation. “And didn’t Faith mention portals..? Someone wants to open a portal?”

“Oh god… I’m not the key again am I?”

“No Dawnie… not this time, looks like I’m the key this time round.” Willow couldn’t help the desolation that laden down the words. It all sounded bad, fiction or fact. And it all stemmed from her.

“No one’s the key, because nothing is getting open… I’m here this time. And evil had better be scared.” The girl tried to make her words sound strong. False bravado was better than none. “Cordy? Toss us your cell.”

“My cell?” But she was already reaching into her bag for it. Passing it to Faith’s hands and awaiting her move. Watching her scroll through the buttons. Hearing her ask. Feeling the flush.

“What’s Angel under?” The slayer showed confusion. She’d checked all the A’s. Been through half the dictionary.

“Angel… uh,” She pulled back the phone, went straight to ‘M’. Passed it back to Faith with a look of pleading. “Okay?”

And Faith couldn’t help but smile when she looked down at the words. “Cute Cor, cute.” But she didn’t rib her, or embarrass her. That could come later. For now she needed some help. Business help.

“Hey Angel, no it’s not Cordy… Uh-huh… Yeah, I need some info.”

The gang looked on as she relayed the words. ‘Well of all evil.’ It sounded kinda… spooky, but not… too spooky. It wasn’t like a huge great monstrous beast bursting out from the depths of a well. That would be bad. No. It was just a well. Something they could put a lid on. Really. Not so bad.

And then they watched the silence. Heard the quiet sighs and lack of laughter in the words. It made them think more spooky. Made them think that maybe Spike wasn’t just throwing them a curve. That it was big and bad. When Faith had taken a pen and started scrawling onto a pad of paper, then they knew that it was all of the above. A real threat.

“Yeah… I’ll call you back later, and really, thanks man. You’re a legend.” She clicked the phone closed and tossed it back to Cordy. Tried not to shake as she passed it.

“What did he say?”

“Easy B, I’m still making sense of it.” She took a steadying breath, a second to compose. “Angel said it’s true. There is a place… where demons go, he said he thinks he may have been there…”

“Been there?”

“Before B, when you… uh, vanquished him.” She watched as the other girl lived the moment again. Just quick. Flashes and gone. “He said he’s been doing research into it ever since, still not sure if it was true… and then he found a name.”

She passed the paper across to Buffy, saw her glance at it and pass it to Giles. “So he found a really long name, what’s it mean?”

“He said it’s Latin, that a monk centuries ago tried to open the portal, he believed that it wasn’t just a place… that it was an entity. Something solid… he called it uh… he said the translation was, ‘The leech full of monsters’, he thought that he could release it and then control it… control evil.”

“So what happened?”

“According to all that Angel could find, it swallowed the monk whole. He found a spell to open the portal… but he didn’t have the power to bring anything out… it sucked him in. More evil to add to the digestion.”

The room hushed for a moment, trying to make sense of the words being spoken.

“But I never heard that! I was a kick ass demon, and I never heard that!”

“I must concur with Anya, I’ve never heard of it being anything other than myth… certainly not an entity, or for that matter a… leech?”

“That’s what the big guy said, when the portal sucked the monk in, it just reinforced the belief that it was only a place… no one attempted to open it again… stories were forgot.” She shrugged her shoulders, she didn’t know either. “Angel said it’s only because it was personal that he searched so hard… he wanted to know if the threat was real.”

“And now he thinks it is?” Buffy was in her stride. Putting the captain’s hat on. This was a solid problem that they could deal with, a solid problem that they could fight.

“He found a prophesy…”

“Oh god, I told him if he keeps reading those he’ll go blind!”

“He didn’t listen Cor, he seems pretty sure on this one. He hoped he’d never see it happen… but now…” She looked back down at her notes, scrawled and almost unintelligible. Her hand had been shaking when she wrote them. The buzz was right. It felt right. Slayer senses in all their glory. It made her wonder if the dreams would start. “He said that if there was a time when one as evil as the monk tried to open the portal, and one powerful enough stood at their side… if that time came then the world would see. The well of evil would run over. The… monster leechy thing would suck everyone’s soul dry.”

“The wedding is going to be ruined isn’t it?”

They all stared to look at Anya. No one even believing her thought process. “This isn’t about the wedding An, this is that evil thing remember… the thing that we fight, all important?”

“Oh I know that Xander, I’m not an imbecile… I just, I wanted the perfect wedding.”

He didn’t scold her, didn’t let his friends scold her. He loved this here ex-demon with all of her little quirks. For her little quirks. “We will have the perfect wedding, we just need to tame the big bad leechy thing first, ok?” His kiss landed on her nose and reminded her of all the reasons that she wanted that perfect wedding in the first place.

“So now we all know that we have to save the world for the sake of the wedding! It’s a game plan, now what about real plans? Faith? Did he say anything else?”

“Not a thing B, he’s gonna dig out all his stuff, I’ll call him back later. Other than working the books this end… hell, that’s it. I’m out.” She shrugged her shoulders again. At least it was something.

“Well research we can do, I have some ancient Latin scripts stored in the attic…” Giles turned his attention to Xander. “…maybe you could get them down?”

“No problem, I go from carrying cakes, to fetching books… as promotions go, I’m looking for the pay rise!”

And he did rise, happy to have a task, a focus. All of them happy to have a task. So into it in fact that they almost forgot about the corpse on the sofa. The smell reminded them. “Spike, thank you for the information. Now don’t you have places to be?”

The vampire pretended at shock at the words. “Well that’s bloody great! I help you out ‘again’, even though I just took a beating from the new girl…” He didn’t dare cast his eyes to her though. Not yet. Soon. “…and now you’re turfing me out?”

“It seems like the decent thing to do… perhaps you need me to show you the door?”

Giles had soaked up the tension in the room, seen where much of the problem lay. When Buffy had told him about Spike, he had been… shocked? Devastated? He could see the same on all of his charges faces. It made him want to eject the evil. To bring the house back under order. And perhaps everyone had sighed a sound of relief when the evil had left without cursing, no more fuel added to the fire of hatred that was already burning his way.

And then it settled some. Not relief. The division was still there. Friends avoiding eyes because of betrayal, mistrust. The doom and gloom of the situation allowed to take a hold because no one could find the humour to release it. To overcome it. Giles looked at them and wondered at what had happened. How so much could have gone so wrong and so fast. Had he missed the signs before he had left? Had he ignored them?

“Man, this is so damn full of crap!”

“Huh?” They all turned to look at Faith, startled from their own researching.

“Ok, I get that this is bad, that this is gonna be a biggy… but god, I am so sick of this bullshit.” She tossed the book to the side, a petulant look on her face. A slump in her shoulders. “Can’t we take a break? It’s not late, can’t we go dance some… do something, anything?”

“Faith, the research is important…”

“You don’t need to tell me that Giles, I get that. But fuck, look at us..? Do any of us look up to fighting evil?” She cast her own glance around with his. Everyone was wasted, the private traumas rising up to coat the already stale task of research in nothing but pointlessness. No freshness for the fight.

“I could do with a break, I think it’s a great plan, nice one Faith!”

“Thanks Anya, anyone else? A little R and R?”

Willow’s eyes forgot the words swimming in front of her. Desperate to cling to something else. Something fun. “R and R, Faith? Is that similar to the H and H?”

And it did make those in the know laugh a little. Maybe a chuckle. A little lighter, a little airier. Easier to breathe. “Not quite Red, but if ya wanted I could show ya…” The wiggle of her brow always perfect for sliding the meanings home. “…maybe ALL the letters of the alphabet.”

“Sounds like fun!” They turned to Buffy then, maybe gawping a little, cos it kinda sounded… after Faith’s words… well it sounded. “Oh! Guys… not like that, I mean getting out… for a while, a little break. Not that!”

And even though they were pissed at her it was still kind of funny. Still vintage Buffy. The one that they had been missing. It rose the buzz of the room away from the evil, eyes not afraid to look anymore, not afraid to see. Giles understood too, saw where bridges could be rebuilt.

“I can see that the quest for knowledge has lost against the quest for fun, go on… all of you. Two hours, enjoy it.”

“No way dude, this is your welcome back gig, and you’re not missing the party!” Faith was clinging onto the sudden feeling of light, a sense that there could still be some fun left. She also knew the need for bridges, how much these friends relied upon each other. If Angel did indeed speak the truth of what they faced, then fun times were gonna go missing for a while. The time to heal some. No. They needed this, all of them, and Giles was a part of that. Plus… she had some words to say there. Not business words. But important ones all the same. She was just waiting for her place to. A time to.

Dusty tomes were laid aside with easy glee. Like naughty school children sneaking off for one last moment of pleasure before the real task started. Before the big bad came. Because it didn’t matter how much they smiled at each other. How much they sought to reassure each other. Big bad WAS coming.

The vampire that stalked them from the bushes was sure of that. Things were changing in Sunnydale. Power was shifting, and he was determined that he would get his very own share of power back. He felt invincible. It wasn’t just a bedtime story. Daft fools. And the sooner that they understood the fear then the sooner that he could strike. They had to understand how bad it was, how big it was… had to be in position to do what was needed.

He watched them go into the club. He watched Buffy. His plans may have changed about how he would get her, but get her he would. For every door closed, another one opens. Only this time it was a portal. And he was gonna fetch the key.

It seemed just a little favour in return for the chip.

He turned away as he lit his smoke, followed his nose to the centre of the evil. Plans had been set in motion, his first half of the bargain was complete, and now he wanted to collect. He was sure that his head demanded it.

Chapter 21.

POV Faith.

Walking through the door to the Bronze had been like stepping straight through a door to another world. Our very own portal. A good portal. The bass which was thumping from more than a block away, had been steadily calling to me, calling to all of us. Feet moving faster to just join us to the sound. Like a hushed buzz that hummed the senses, the others reluctant to embrace it because of all of the bad.

Well fuck the bad! I’ve seen more than enough bad to know that you have to grab at the fun times. You have to grab them, magnify them, and damn well make sure that you remember them. It’s what keeps me going. The thought of more.

The doors had fallen open upon a sea of smiling faces. Not one even caring that there was a world left outside, for them the only world was in here. The here and the now. Girls looking pretty, looking harder for the hook up, boys swarming like flies around each of the girls. Not looking for a hook up, but desperate for it. All of them swaying in time to the music. Brows sweating, energy pumping. It was my kind of world.

We gravitated as a group towards some seats, staked a claim on some sofas. Comfortable seats but not comfortable poses. I sat back and watched them as they watched each other. Saw them wondering what was safe to say, what was right to say. It was like so much tension of the wrong kind, places like this are meant to be full of the other kind of tension, the fun tension… not that. Not the heavy laden silence, the only conversations being ones of the private kind. I’d shown my eyes to Cordy, let her see just what I thought of the Scooby fun times. They were lacking. Completely lacking.

She caught my drift, she always does. Was the first to speak up with any kind of volume. “So…guys..?” It took a moment, but they did all look up. “What’s the deal with drinks around here? I have to get my own?”

Well THAT would be a first.

I held in the obvious, watched Xander be the man that stood at the plate. “I was just gonna bust a groove to the bar, what do ya want?”

She smiled large and gave him her order. I watched him turn and ask his girl, the witches, Giles. I watched him ask Dawn. Then I saw him stumble.

“What about me Xander? This girl not worthy of a drink or two?” He swung round from Buffy to face me. Joviality back in place, assurances that of course I was worth a drink. Probably not two. I took the wink that went with it though. Gave him my order. Offered a bit more. “And what about B? What’s she drinking?”

His eyes buried themselves in mine. All that uncertainty about what to do. How to do it. Whether things really were ok. I wanted him to know that it wasn’t about that… ok or not, things to be worked out or not. We were in this together, all of us. And tonight we were finding the fun. We deserved that. Needed it. I smiled as I saw his acceptance. He has a heart probably bigger than all of ours, and I offered him back his wink as he turned around to face her.

“Buffster? What you drinking?” It came out soft. And it was obvious that he cared.

Dawn’s words came out harsh. “We’re just letting her off with it? Just like that..?”

“Dawnie…”

“NO Tara! Why is it that everything Buffy does wrong, gets to be ok?”

“It’s not ok.”

It slowed Dawn’s rage, made her face the sister that was now talking words to her.

“What I did will never be ok Dawn. You don’t know how much I know that. How much I’m sorry for that...”

I could feel my panic meters all lighting up. Flashing the signs of impending disaster. This wasn’t fun! This was sliding towards angst faster than I cared for. I wanted them to get better, to sort things through… but not right now! Not caring and sharing time when we should be having the fun times. I wouldn’t allow it. I had to speak up.

“Hold up there B, all of you… just hold up.”

And then I had the attention. It made me plaster on my favourite smile, let it shine bright in my eyes. I had the solution here. Not the answer to the problems, but a damn good fix for the next couple of hours. I focused it all on Dawn. I know that she is having the hardest time making sense out of all of the nonsense. She’s a kid being forced to deal with grown up emotions. And I remember how much that sucks.

“Dawn… over there, what do ya see?” I pointed back towards the entrance, the door that we had just come through.

“Is this eye spy?”

And ex-demons are freaks. “No Anya, not eye spy.”

“It’s the ‘door’ Faith, it’s got a handle and everything… oh, and look…a sign, it says ‘Exit’…” The faked amusement slipped from her voice to be replaced by sullen teenager. “…why?”

“Because outside that door kiddo, is a whole lot of bad stuff. Nasty stuff, the kinda scary shit that keeps me and your sister up at night. The kinds of stuff that we come in here to get away from.”

And you know that I had to quickly scan the crowd, had to make sure the undead weren’t bursting my bubble. I was safe. My words were true. “I know it’s hard Dawn, but just for tonight… just let it slide. Forget it. Forget all of the bad stuff and get with the good times. We all deserve a break, ok? All of us.”

I saw the brave smile she tugged to her lips. The soft smile she showed to her sister.

“Were you always so full of good ideas?”

“No way Red, it’s a new addition, I’m still getting used to it myself.” I shot her a grin and sly looked at Cordy. I had meant the words that I said, of course I did. Cordy had heard them before though, I had used pretty much the same speech the last time Angel had caught me goofing off when I was supposed to have been working the books. I went dancing instead. I just don’t do so well with books. Show me a fight and I’ll fight all day, but books..? Not so much.

But it did paper the cracks. Allowed Xander to get Buffy a drink without Dawn biting his arm off. Let the witches grab at hands and pull people up to dance. You know who refused though right? Mr ‘stiff stick up my ass’ English guy.

Sure he was cool, kind of… not really digging the sexy, but either way, he hadn’t loosened up enough. Worked full of kinks, the most strenuous of activity the cursing of the music. And there was no way I was letting him off that easy! Fun was for everyone, not just the willing! I had grabbed him up out of his seat, slayer strength just perfect for the occasion, not anyone able to resist the tug when it was me doing all of the pulling. Led him ominously to the dance floor and damn well forced him to find the groove. Or something.

I dunno what they call it. The funky chicken? But whatever it was he was spazzing it out all over the floor. It added to the occasion, made them laugh, maybe cry tears of down right hysteria…

They WERE all in the right place though. All of them. Each of us helping to show the others the way. Every smile given was gladly returned, encouraging more. Every word spoken without pain being the keys to conversation. As plans go, this one was a good one, it was working. It was working so well that even I was forgetting.

I have this wild side you see, a whole lot of wild sides, but I’ve learnt to tame them, control them. Taught all of them their places, where they belong. But I still know that they’re there. Just waiting for the signal of release. The driving bass line of a song slipping fast through my veins, the techno beat of a hardened classic pulling me off into a trance. And I was letting it seduce me into a frenzy. Every step placed with an absolute assurance that it was the right one, my body gyrating with the pace of the music and yet feeling so much more. It wasn’t just music, it was energy. So much energy to feed from, to add to. I caught eyes as I span, hands latching through mine to join me in a dance, arms swaying with mine, feet stepping with mine. I didn’t even look for her. She was just there.

There wasn’t a moments discomfort, not a moments recognition for anything other than the truth. We just found each other. Maybe because our energy is the strongest? I don’t know… but mine wanted hers, and she was with me before I had to ask. Before I had to wonder. Before I had to doubt. I lost the point of songs, the words of meaning behind them. Didn’t even register as one beat would swing it’s way into the next. It was just about the moving. About the forgetting. And before I even knew it, it was about the remembering.

Like a tease, something pulling at the back of my mind. The way that her shape curved tight into mine, the way her touches burnt themselves across my skin, just the faintest of touches, pulling back… slide in further, pulling back, eyes locking, pulling back. It was all there. And I revelled in it. Rose to the challenge the way that I always had done. My own caresses feathering across flesh, the heat of my breath finding solace on her neck… breathing in her essence. Her power. Offering the eyes under lashes that had always been for her… always open when we danced together. Always harder to hide. Murmuring words softly on the tip of my tongue, pulling her in closer with each unheard sound. It was our dance.

It was more than a dance. It always had been. And she knows it. I see it.

It’s a silent challenge with a whole heap of promises. Promises that used to keep me up all night sweating, dreams tormented by constant wonder… the offer of just something, enough to keep me intrigued. I had never seen an acceptance to take it further though. Had always been the one that ended the dances last, her first to waltz from the floor, and me just left tapping my toes on my own. But tonight my feet hadn’t been left tapping. They had moved with the assurance of knowing the steps. Her place and my place. Had continued to move until she had stopped pulling back. Until every step closer was the intended step nearer. Until her breath sat as heavy on my neck as mine did on hers. Words heard because they were meant to be heard. To be accepted.

“You always were a great dancer Faith.”

We had always danced well together.

I had laughed a little, the chuckle of exuberance. “You remember?”

My eyes sitting sly, asking if she remembered everything. “You think I could ever forget?”

And that had kept the door with the ‘exit’ sign firmly shut on closed. Validated the way that dancing with her was making me feel. Making all of the little touches mean everything that they had ever meant. As the floor had shook with the thump of a thousand feet all dancing to the same tune, I recognised that finally maybe, regardless of what was back outside that door… me and her truly were in synch.

Those touches she was giving were not teasing touches, filling me with wonder. No. They weren’t tormenting me with what we were not, but rather tantalizing me with what we were, what we could be. The sheen of sweat building across my skin more than the effect of fevered dancing, of pushing my body… it was all a reaction to hers. The tight curve of her flesh no longer sliding into mine, but grinding into mine. Not feeling the essence of her power, but experiencing the full force of it. Demanding, aggressive. Her moves turning into the ones that led mine. Her own eyes sneaking peeks through lashes, her hands gliding through hair, down across flesh. Fingertips tracing the skin of my arms to the beat of the song.

Sometimes just standing next to her is enough to make the world fade. When I danced with her tonight my world exploded. Came back together with us at the centre. Me and her. Everyone else revolving slowly around us. I caught glimpses of their looks, just tossed them back with smiles. I wasn’t ready to find the exit door. Not yet. I really did like this world. The things that it offered.

We span and we span until we couldn’t spin no more. Me the first to break ranks this time. Bringing my hand up to my mouth in the classic ‘get me a drink now or I’m gonna pass out’ manoeuvre. I heard something like a giggle, all girly and cute. Followed her ass as it swayed to the bar.

And in the seconds of respite her eyes took in all of the surroundings. “You know Faith? I never thought I’d dance like that in here again.”

Her voice had hinted a hidden meaning, her gaze slipping up to the balconies and back down to me. A slip of the facade, a nod towards pain. I followed her gaze, just saw people watching. Looking down onto the sea of people below them. I didn’t get it. “What do ya mean B?”

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter…”

“Buffy?” I didn’t want more mysteries. More secrets not told. And I needn’t have worried. I had set the rules, she was just following the game plan.

“Not tonight Faith, okay? Tonight’s for the fun times… remember?”

I recognised the look, the one that said ‘please’. The look that assured me that she did need this fun. As much as me. As much as all of us. Probably even more.

“I remember.” I allowed our eyes to lock for a moment, to show her that I would be there. And then I forced them back into role. Raised my eyebrows up in their arches. “Now is it your round, or should I start calling you the ‘stingy slayer’… it has a ring to it…”

“You think I’m stingy?”

“Well I guess the double meat deli only pays in dimes, but serious B? Normally I dance like that with someone, they can’t wait to buy me a drink.”

“So what are you wanting?”

And was that a low blow? Because her eyes had started dipping their gaze, stealing glances at all of the merchandise. It made me wonder at who’s game plan we were following now, it certainly made me step up to the plate. I could swing with the best of them, I’d never missed a home run. “What am I wanting B? Sounds like a loaded question…”

I was slowly backing her into the bar, edging my toes forwards to edge hers ever backwards. My words wrapped in a huskiness that desire always provoked. “…cos if you’re asking about a drink, well… anything with a kick in it.”

I lifted my arm to motion at any of the spirits sitting pretty on the wall. Let my hand slip to skin as I brought it back down. Her skin. Just a shoulder. Every touch meant with solid intent. “But if you were asking about something else B, about what I really want… what I need..?”

I could feel my heart pounding with each word I spoke, letting them pull me in, work me up. The buzz of the dance still racing through veins, still pumping with energy. Still looking for release.

“I need a coke Faith, Dawn’s is a lemonade and the witches are on the heavy stuff.”

I had swung round so fast it’s a wonder I didn’t leave my head behind. “Cordy.”

“Uh-huh, Cordy… now drinks?”

Talk about bad timing. By the glint in her eye I guessed that she thought it was good timing. Bitch. I also knew that I would be getting the drinks. I shrugged at Buffy and turned to the tender. Found it increasingly hard to keep my focus as I noticed Cordy slowly stalking B. Let my eyes bulge wide as she dragged her off for a little one on one. Had she forgotten the fun?? No. Not Cordy!

It maybe soured my way back towards the sofa. Handing out the water for the witches and placing the other drinks on the table. Trying desperately hard to keep up my bravado with the gang as I sought out where they had gone. Counting the seconds until they came back again. Showing my worry as only Cordy returned.

“Where’s B?”

“Calm it hound dog, she’s just at the bar, she’ll be back before you know it.”

“In one piece?” I had to ask. I had my doubts.

Her eyes only rolled and went to ignore me. Engaging Giles in some quality chat, all about the visions. So I waited. Counted too many seconds and had quite enough. “Cordy? Bathroom. Now.”

I wanted to know what was said. Where Buffy had got to. I didn’t care for her sigh as she started to rise. I had said fun! Why couldn’t she just have left it for tonight, maybe put on her warrior suit tomorrow?

I questioned her as soon as the door swung shut, turning to face her. “What did you say?”

“You what?”

“I’m not playing Cor, what did you say to her?”

“Oh for crying out loud! Calm it Faith. I told her that it was nice to see her smiling, that I was glad she was doing okay…” And then she smiled this fucking huge smile, so uniquely hers. “…and I told her that if she ever hurts you, even just a little… then I will beat every single inch of her sweet slayer ass. LOTS of times. Is that alright?”

“You really said that?”

“Well what did you think I was saying? ‘Hey Buffy, I think you’re a whinging whining freak and you’ll never ever be good enough for Faith’?”

I smiled my yes. I smiled my sorry. “I’m an idiot.”

“It’s good that you know it.”

I turned towards the sinks and found some cool water for my hands, for my face. “With you and Angel on my case, I can never forget it.”

“We’re just looking out for you.”

And the sincerity behind her words said all that I needed to hear. “You guys are my heroes. You know that Cordy.”

I let the appropriate seconds fall into space, let her know that I meant it. And then I let her know that I was still on my mission for fun times. The night wasn’t over yet. The door marked ‘exit’ was still firmly closed. “So…”

“So what?”

“‘Your Angel’ then huh?” I put all of my emphasis into it.

And her eyes in the mirror shot wide with the horror. “Faith…”

“No Cordy, it’s cool, I get it. You’ve been buying shares in the big guy…”

“No! It’s not like that.”

“It’s not? Cos ya know… ‘My Angel’, in your phone book, it’s got me thinking.”

I could see the warning lights flashing in her eyes. See the banter building in the curve of her smile. “That’s a phone book thing, I have ‘Angel Investigations’ under ‘A’, I needed something different for his personal line…”

“‘My Angel’? That is pretty personal Cor, all kinds of cute.” And my reward was all in her blush.

“Do you take pleasure in tormenting me Faith? Is that it?” I wanted to laugh out loud, mock the innocence that she was sliding into her tone. This girl played the big leagues, a tiny bit of banter would never keep her down. I stalked my way a little closer. Sexy Faith with her eyes on a target. The role I could play in my sleep.

“I take pleasure in every bit of you Cordy, you know it’s the truth.” I winked her a good one. My gaze potent with the pretence of desire.

And she did begin with the laughing. It started me off. Both of us finding so much fun in our oh so familiar game. It covered the sound of the stall unlocking, the little click as it slid to open. It was barely a second before she spoke though. Let us know that she was there.

“You… and Angel? And pleasure with Faith..? What the hell do you guys get up to in LA?”

“B?”

I was kinda surprised to see her standing there. If I’d known where she was I would’ve come looking. On my own. Her surprise was all directing one way though. One target, one focus. “Cordy?”

And what? It hit me suddenly what the question was about, so ready to jump to wrong conclusions, already memories of forever ago, memories of just days ago… so much rejection wanting to take hold. I figured she was pissed about Angel. Cordy had been jealous of the big guy’s feelings for B, maybe this was my time to remember my jealousy of Buffy’s feelings towards him.

“It’s nothing Buffy, we’re friends… ‘good’ friends.”

“It’s nothing..? But I just heard that cute little ‘My Angel’ thingy, that’s a little past ‘good’, right?”

And don’t ya just know that she was damn well laughing too!

“I give up, I swear… Angel and I are just ‘close’ friends.”

“And what about pleasuring Faith? Is that a ‘close friend’ thing too?”

I wanted to bust a gut. I think I nearly did.

“More like ‘in her dreams’, but hey… even slayers have ambition, right girls?”

I was losing it. Not quite sure who I was supposed to be sparring with. Chose my partner carefully. “So what was you doing hiding in the stalls then B? Listening in is a really bad habit.”

“ I was not listening in!” I saw how quick she flustered, her grab for an excuse. “I was peeing!”

“ALL that time? You sneaking drinks on the sly?”

And we all knew that she was busted. “Ok, I started with the peeing… then I started listening, and I would’ve come out, really… but with the whining and whinging comments…”

It set me off laughing again. Set Cordy off with some words. “Oh god… I didn’t mean it okay, I was just saying…”

“That I was a whinging whining freak… I caught that bit.”

And in all of the ways that it could have been bad it wasn’t. Instead it was smiles, words of acceptance, banter flowing until it was time to move on. Back to the crowd. Cordy walking first, me following, Buffy taking up the rear. I caught the whisper of words to stop me from leaving. “Faith, wait a minute.”

“What?”

“Can we talk?”

I looked at her, looked at Cordy. “I’ll be out in a minute, I’m just gonna…”

“Whupped!”

And she turned again and left. What could I say?

“What do ya wanna talk about B?” I kept it light, tried for no heavy looks of longing.

“You.”

“Me?”

She was smiling all sweet, heading my way. “I just wanted to say thank you for tonight, for making it easier for me… for everything.”

“No sweat B, we all needed to let off the steam, it was nothing.”

“It wasn’t nothing. It was amazing.” The sweetness was fading fast. Being replaced by something I knew much better. Something that tasted so much spicier than sweet. I stood my ground, let her find her way to me. Followed her mouth with my eyes as she carried on speaking. “You’re amazing Faith.”

I saw her say it. I heard her say it. I looked inside of her and knew that she meant it. ‘I’m amazing’? It didn’t sit so well, I was still getting used to it myself, the being something other than bad. I hid my embarrassment behind my own cock sure words. My own change of accent. My own hint of spice. “I can show you the place that I am amazing B… you show me your sheets and you know I’ll be showing you a wicked hot time!”

And she did smile, but she stopped advancing. Forgot the quiet dance into my space. “No… you’re amazing in lots of places.”

“Well yeah, I’ve rocked a few locations, never was one to stick to the bedroom…”

She leant forwards the distance she hadn’t crossed, and put her finger to my lips. “You were amazing with Dawn, you were amazing with Tara, with Willow… you’ve been amazing with everyone Faith, and tonight, this… giving us all this time off.”

I opened my mouth to make it less. To make it no big deal. Her finger still there though, my tongue flicking out just the tiniest of hints… just less than an instant. I saw as her eyes flew to her hand as I dared to risk my small taste. Her pupils widening as she felt the close contact. When she had spoken again her voice was raw, honest. Just emotion.

“And you’ve been amazing to me Faith, past amazing… I just wanted you to know that, to know that I thought that.”

I took her hand into mine and down from my lips, it was hard to speak when all I wanted to do was to taste. “Thank you. I… uh, I’m speechless?”

And I was. How do you answer that? What can you say to that?

“Speechless?”

“Uh-huh.”

I didn’t say a lot. I did feel a lot. I felt as that last solid space of distance was crossed, as her other hand slid down to join me, both locked, both holding tight. I felt the intensity as her face came closer to mine, as her breath fell onto my lips in the second before contact.

And I spooked.

Me of the always confident and sure. Me of the take before it’s given. I had looked into her eyes in that moment and seen everything that I needed to see, everything I wanted to see, and it had scared the absolute crap out of me. Made the world spin in so many ways. My feet stepping back as I tried to gain a foothold, a level of sense. “B…wait…we can’t…”

Her mouth was set on gaping, her eyes losing the battle between desire and pleading.

“…I said we would save the world first, then this… then…”

“Then ‘us’ Faith, I remember.”

“And we can’t.., we can’t just forget about all that…” I had started to pace again, my boots falling heavy on the floor as I stamped out my logic. “…there’s the witches, and Dawn… you can’t forget about Dawn, she’s so pissed at you.”

She was sat against the sink humouring me. Seriously. A grin in place upon her lips as I argued the case of world savage. “And not just that, we have the prophesy shit to get into, that always needs a clear head… and , and… don’t forget Anya!”

It sounded like I was making a proclamation. I don’t have a clue what I was doing. I hadn’t spoken such crap all in one sentence in ages. None of it making the grin lessen. Her amusement pass. “Anya..? We can’t kiss because of Anya?”

Yeah it sounded ridiculous. It was. “With the wedding B… the game plan?” It didn’t stop me from defending my corner though… from going for more of the ridiculous. “Imagine if she knew we weren’t a hundred percent focused..?”

“She’d be devastated… really, you’re right.” Her words saying one thing as she came steadily closer. And was my heart really supposed to beat that fast? Was it safe? Not just pounding louder, but threatening to crack open my chest cavity. In that moment I had felt desperate. Desperate for her, desperate to stay away from her. Had made a final case in my argument. A good case. A really fucking bad case.

I knew as soon as I said it, that it broke all of my rules. Pushing my own self towards that exit door faster than I could ever have wanted. “What about Spike? We still have to deal with the Spike thing.”

I don’t know if it was my words, or if it was the permanent sneer that sits on my face whenever his name crosses my mind. Falls from my mouth coated in venom. Either way she stopped. Looked at me as if I’d just sucker punched her straight in the guts. It felt like I had.

“Right, Spike!… You’re right.” And her tone hit every business note that I’d just been desperate for her to hit. I hated it. I didn’t mean it. Not now. Not here. “I guess I forgot…”

And I wish it had stayed that way. “It’s cool B, I’m just saying… with everything going on, it’s probably best not to…”

“Yes! Definitely of the bad, really… we should just…”

“Go back to the others… get our drinks.”

“I am feeling thirsty.”

“Yeah… thirsty.”

But neither of us was moving, I couldn’t… it just didn’t seem over. As if everything inside was telling me to stay in this moment. As if it was telling her the same. That vampires didn’t exist in here. Nothing existed beyond the ‘us’.

“Faith.”

I looked up into her eyes, pooling green, pouring into me. Urged her to continue, my own gaze pleading with her to find the right words. To make this ok. Just for now. Just this moment. And she did. Stepping into my space with a soft smile on her lips, sparkling under cheap lighting as she gave me the words that I wanted to hear. Needed to hear. Found me a solution. Reminded me of the game plan. “That over there Faith? What do ya see?”

“I see a door B.” And I gave her the smile that let her continue. Such wise words. The words of a master.

“Well outside that door is all of the bad stuff, nasty stuff… the kind of stuff that keeps me awake at night.”

“Me too.”

“Keeps BOTH of us awake at night…”

I shot her a wink, she was doing real well. “…but inside here Faith, we can forget about the bad stuff, just for a minute… just for a moment. In here it’s just the good stuff…” She had slid far enough into my space for me to reach out and touch her. To find her hip with my hand. Sitting so snugly. It made her breath hitch on the last of her words, made her lips quiver. “…the good times.”

I was all about them. We deserved them.

I have never touched anything so tenderly than the way that I touched her right then. Not a challenge or a promise, just the way that I felt. I stopped fighting it. Allowed it to be. My spare hand rose up to slide into hair, my other tightening on her hip to pull her in closer, to meet me in the middle. Sliding finger tips across the small of her back, as I slid my tongue across the expanse of her lips. Teasing them open, showing her the way. I felt her seconds hesitance, maybe wondering if it really was okay, if we could really just let this be. And it made me kiss her harder. Made tender just a memory in the back of my mind as I urged her back against the door, something solid to push against. To push her against. My mouth was consumed with the feel of her tongue inside of me, tasting me, claiming me… everything I had wanted and then some. Her own hands finding purchase on my skin, dragging me so far into her that I knew I would never get out. Would never want to. Wanted more.

It was so fucking easy to just let my hand fall blindly against the curve of her ass, to test the smoothness that I could feel through the tightness of her jeans. Straining out, calling to me. I wrapped my grasp around her leg, forced it up and around me, my kisses more fierce as I felt our centres make contact. The roughness of seams causing friction that aches. That burns. I felt the flood in my panties as I pushed in harder against her, as she matched every beat of my urgency, every push of my hips, her own hand sliding down to cup my ass, pulling me ever more close, as close as we could get. It was fucking crazy, so fucking intense.

My mouth left hers as I found myself soaring. Hid itself against that smooth base of neck, finally able to whisper my words there… to strangle out the sounds rough with hoarseness and desire. “I want you Buffy…”

Losing it again as I sucked hard against her pulse, felt it beating beneath my lips, the heat of the blood that rushed through her veins. I could barely hold on as her voice rang heavy through my ears, the rhythm of her frantic breathing stopping to accentuate words. Words of HER wants, of HER needs. It was driving me fucking insane. Had me looking for an outlet. She bent into my touch as I fixed her other leg around me, lent herself back against the door as my fingers found the way to the base of her top. Sliding up across her navel so taut and tight, up into places I barely remembered as a reflection. But she had never looked this perfect then. Not when I shouldn’t have been looking.

My other hand rested flat, pushing up against her back, something for her to lean against as my searching fingers inched ever upwards to meet the laciness of a bra. It seemed right that she would be in laciness, it made me want to see, to bring her silky top up over her head. To fix my eyes on a place where I was having no trouble finding the fun. I didn’t though. I couldn’t put her down long enough, not even a chance. I placated my mind with a slide of my hand, cupping around her breasts as my mouth again sought hers, each suck she made on my tongue growing harder as I twirled a rock solid nipple within the grasp of my fingertips. Brought them up through lace to graze rough against my palm, the only thing as hard as the push of my hips.

It all made me so unaware of all of the thumping, lost in the belief that only we existed, only this existed. Pretending that it was my heart, not the steady increase of hands against the door, others demanding entry, no way as important as the entry that I was demanding. I kissed her harder to lose it, this was OUR door, no one else’s to open, to break this moment. The hands pulling me into her demanded the same. Knew the consequence of stopping, of letting the world come crashing back. Her mouth tore away from mine as the roughness of seam against seam became ever more insistent, as my hands became harder in the places they stayed. One hand to her breast, one hand on her back. Just let it be. Just breathe it.

It all heightened the moment, knowing what was waiting for us. All the shit that was waiting for us. Made her say my name as I found her pulse point with lips again, my tongue running rampant across the curve of sweet skin, drinking up her goodness, my mind spinning in the reality. I didn’t even notice as my hand left the lace, as it tore out from under barriers to expose her skin to fresh air. Her top pulling down as I glided the same way, not a moment to even look as my mouth wrapped around the hardness of her nipple, sucking, swirling… drawing it all out of her. My name still breathing out from her lips was taking me over the edges, over all of my edges. I felt her back muscles tighten as I slid harder against her, my last insistence, answered the knock on the door with a knock of our own. Just feeling it.

Her legs in a death grip, my mouth in the same. The last of my senses had raised my hand to her lips, felt her teeth as they bit solidly down across my thumb. I may have yelped. I don’t fucking care. It stopped her from screaming.

I tried to draw breath again as she slowly rode it out. The most fucking intense moment of my whole entire life. I had all of my clothes on, she had all of her clothes on, and I’d never felt more naked with anyone. More open, more honest. Every feeling that I had ever had for her was resting just at the back of my throat, just waiting to be voiced. I did everything I could to find some composure, held my arms as firm as I could as she slid herself down, her feet touching ground again… unsteady but not unsure. The satisfied smile that crossed her lips in the instant before she spoke was the surest thing that I had ever seen.

“I think I just found the fun.”

And damn, I just put my head to her head and laughed out my feelings instead. She had spoken the words with such innocent bemusement, an innocence I would’ve bet that she didn’t possess anymore… an innocence I didn’t think I would ever be able to feel. “As a game plan it was good.”

“Gooder than good.”

“Great?”

“Just kiss me again Faith.” And there was no more innocence left anywhere in that tone. There was hunger, hunger for more. A hunger that I couldn’t refuse. Didn’t refuse. My lips wrapped around hers again without need for more invitation, her mouth sliding open, her tongue duelling against mine. Hands back to asses, seams back to seams.

So fucking painful. I just wanted her, I god damn, straight out, needed her. My body demanded it, my mind demanded it. And my heart absolutely demanded it. The fuckers outside the door to our existence though, they demanded a whole lot different.

“LADIES! OPEN UP! NOW!”

And that had sounded like one hell of a pissed butch dyke, waiting on taking a whiz. What was there to do, other than laugh right? There was no way I was opening this door with tears in my eyes. I could take the pain. It came out more a high pitched chuckle, B’s eyes locking with mine in complete understanding. Her own laugh finding form too.

And it’s messed up when the world comes crashing back. When you look around the room where you just gave everything up, and only see the starkness of a restroom. The peeling paint, the cracks in the mirrors. It distorts the reflection, makes it seem less real. Makes you wonder how you ever came to have Buffy Summers still standing, breathing heavy in your arms. How you could ever have the slickness of her skin finding the heat against your own. “You think we should open the door?”

And her eyes flying too. Catching all of those cracks, the refractions of light. “Oh my god.”

Like her soft little mantra. I had to agree. What the fuck were we doing? This was never my game plan, I was sure it wasn’t hers. “That was… intense.., right?”

She did a highpitched insanity sound. Confirmed it with her words. “That was insane.”

And I kept on agreeing. I agreed until I thought my sides would split, until we had to hold each other upright to stop from falling over in the ridiculousness of it all. Our mistake was moving away from the door. Allowing the big butch security guard who was all sorts of man to come crashing through to find us. The pissed gaze just making it harder to stop laughing. It was sobering to see the Scoobs though. Made us both try our hardest at standing. At appearing ready for chastisment.

Oh, if only they knew. Which of course most of them did.

“Faith.” And it was Cordy who hit ice cold. Freezing fucking cold. Was there anything other than shrugging my shoulders?

“I needed to pee Cor… I’m sorry alright?”

“And the Buffster was helping you?”

I had winced at Xander’s quickly falling sense of ignorance. As Anya punched hard in the arm, shocking the truth into him. “OH!”

Oh indeed. “If you were doing what half of this club assumes that you were doing…” I looked around, and there were a few spectators. A whole queue of desperate chicks all needing to pee. Shooting me death glares, not one of them as fierce as Cordy’s. “…what I KNOW you were doing, I’m not impressed Faith.”

Would it have been wrong to say that I had been? Had just been all sorts of impressed?

I didn’t act the jerk though, I tried placating. Tried softening a scene which I didn’t need the world watching. “Cordy, can we just leave it for now… please?”

“Oh I don’t know Faith… it just seems so much more fun to torment you!”

“Oh god.” And the mantra was back from the girl at my side, my hysterical chuckles returning with gusto.

“We heard that phrase a minute ago Buffy, and ya know… for a second? I was worried you guys were killing each other, then I remembered that we were over that now… kinda makes me wonder…”

“Wills, please. Stop!”

The guy with ‘security’ emblazoned across his chest was less with the fun times. More with the, ‘You ladies have caused enough of a disturbance for tonight, both of you out, now!”

And we marched that messed up walk of shame. Back to the sofas, picking up coats, not picking up gazes. Giles the sitting stalwart, not even commenting on the fact of the matters. I guessed his English knickers were all up in a twist. My American ones were twisted all over the place.

Real sobriety came with Dawn though. The bubble threatening to burst in that instant. The hurt in her gaze which was all for me. And yes. I felt that moment of oh so fucking guilty. I came here for this kid, and now I was hooking up with her sister in the bathrooms of The Bronze. Hardly the right thing to do. Not something to laugh about. It stopped me cold. Tara’s understanding smile doing nothing to ease my conscience.

I sat down next to Dawn, tried to pretend that she wasn’t inching away from me, ducking her head as I ruffled at her hair. “Hey kid.”

“My name’s Dawn. You remember?”

And yes I felt that. All the way through. Understood it. “Hey, look at me.”

“Leave me alone.”

“Dawn?” I placed my fingers to her head, turned her around, sighed at the sight of the pain on her face. “Look I’m sorry, that was really dumb of me… I didn’t think.” She looked so defiant, so angry. “It had nothing to do with you okay? Anything between me and your sister is nothing to do with you and me.”

The whole of the gang were hanging onto each of my words. It was all kinda crazy in itself. As if they believed in the things that I said. And it certainly didn’t make me feel comfortable, baring myself. Opening up to an audience.

“I thought that you came here for me.”

“Hey, you KNOW that I did.”

“And you just…what? You ‘accidentally’ fell for my sister? For Buffy? No matter what she’s done?”

“That’s more truth there than you know kid.”

She didn’t argue my choice of name this time, just looked down at the floor. Refused to meet my eyes. “I promise ya Dawn, when I came here it was all about you. I would never have come back otherwise.” I looked at all of the others, looked at Buffy. “I mean it.”

“That guard is still ogling us, if we plan on leaving without the beating we should probably start moving about now…”

Xander’s words brought it back into focus. Tara being the one that stayed at Dawn’s side. All of us marching steadfastly to the door marked ‘exit’. I hung back for a moment, maybe one breath more. She was right at my side and she did just the same.

“Are you ready for this B?”

“Am I allowed to say no?”

I chuckled, no joy. “Afraid not.”

“Right, of course not. Duty always calls.”

“Loud and clear.”

All the things holding me back were all the reasons that I needed to step forwards. Both of our reasons. I didn’t expect her hand to slip down to mine. Didn’t expect the fingers to curl and wrap soft against my own. I know that I smiled at that. Not hysterically, just contentedly. When we had first walked through those doors I had wanted to find some fun. Wanted everyone to have a moments break. Some rest and recoup before the bad shit hit. I thought I could bring the gang closer again, that I could help build the bridges there. I had never ever imagined that I would be facing the real world again with my hand held so firmly in Buffy’s . I didn’t feel the chill as we hit the darkness of night. Felt a little in Dawn’s gaze, but nothing that told me I couldn’t repair it. And I didn’t stumble as B’s hand left mine to go seek out her sister… nope. I just gave her a smile and waited on a return. Whenever that was. Whenever the world faded again.

My step was matched by the witches and Cordy. Anya and Giles filling the rear with shop talk. Xander still lost in the daze he had found outside of the restroom. I didn’t say anything, I had nothing to say.

“Are we heading back to Buffy’s or do you wanna head straight home, fit in a patrol?”

“Uh..?” I shrugged out my lack of knowledge to Cordy. How did I know what Buffy wanted me to do? I knew what I wanted. Where I wanted.

“Of course you’ll come back to ours Faith!”

“I will?” The red head was full of smirks, still clinging to the last of that fun that we had found.

“Oh yeah! You can’t possibly have shown Buffy the whole of the alphabet yet, you were only in there… what? 20 minutes? Half an hour?”

“26 minutes, I was counting.”

“Sweet Cordy.”

“Not as sweet as your face when the bouncer swung open the door.”

It had them all amusing themselves with the memory. I found my eyes fixing on the place that wasn’t amused. On the sisters up front. “Dawn’s pretty pissed though, huh?”

“She’s just shocked… it’s been a tough couple of days for her. You should talk to her. Straighten it out.”

“I will do Tara, we really didn’t mean… you know?”

“To go panty wrangling in the bathroom?”

“Hey! No panties were wrangled!”

It was a weak argument, but it was the truth. All that fun and not a panty removed. I wasn’t sure if I should smile or sob. Settled on the smiling. I think it encouraged all the rest of their banter, remarks which they all found to laugh at. I swear when Buffy had headed off to Dawn I had thought that she was being all sisterly and responsible. Now I wonder if she wasn’t just being damn clever. Avoiding the barrage of all the teasing remarks. It was a good job I had a tough skin, a lesser girl may have been reduced to her knees. It was unrelenting. Especially Willow. Maybe she needed the laughs the most, felt the bad stuff the closest. I was almost happy to be able give them. To let her have her fun.

“We have a whole lotta food back at ours Faith… that’s gotta sway ya?”

“Food?”

“Well you took care of one half of the H’s, you must be hitting on starving…”

And I laughed right along with her because I knew that she was right. I WAS fucking starving. Not released from the other H. Not a chance. Still aware of Buffy’s every move, the rise and fall of her feet, the curve of her ass. The small of her back just peeking out from that soft silky top. I swear I could still feel my handprint there. Holding her up. Holding her firm. I sighed all the way home. Silently sighing. I stayed behind to let them go in first, knowing that she would come back to me. I just knew it.

“You not coming in Faith?”

“Apparently I have to, I need to teach you the alphabet and take care of the hungry.” I threw my look to the door. “Not sure what order, you’ll have to check with Red.”

“They give you a hard time huh?”

And I could only roll my eyes somewhere to the back of my head. It had been taunting at it’s best. The teasing kind. “All that and then some.”

“I’m sorry, I just… with Dawn.”

“Yeah I figured.” This time my sigh wasn’t silent. I didn’t feel like I needed to hide myself so much anymore. “How is she?”

“She’ll be fine, she loves you. It’s just a shock. Another shock”

“This world is full of them.”

I guess the tone in my voice slipped the smile from her lips. I didn’t mean to. I had to. I could feel the badness out here. Watched understanding slip into her eyes as she registered the same.

“I guess the fun times are over.”

“I can feel the bad stuff B, it’s making me itch.”

She stepped closer and I let her. Not to scratch my itch, thoughts flying from there to the thoughts of the now. The world. “You know that we’re gonna beat it all. It doesn’t stand a chance.”

“This is me here Buffy. I know how bad it feels, how big it feels.”

Her sigh was a match for mine as she found my hand again. Silence enough to confirm that she felt it. Understood it. The only other person that could. The sharer of my burdens. “‘We’re gonna save the world and then we’re gonna save ourselves’, you said it Faith, I believe it.”

And I let myself calm in the strength of her presence. In the right words that she knew how to say. “Then I guess I believe you too.”

“You better do!”

“I kinda do.”

“Faith!”

I laughed at the expression that sat on her face. My chuckles fading fast as her gaze only intensified. As she showed me again how hot desire looked upon her. How it made her pulse, made me pulse.

I tried to suck in a breath, a last shout at reason. “We’re not inside that door anymore B… are you sure this is safe?”

“I’m sure this is right.” She shrugged as she leant up and kissed me softly on my lips. “Lets just take it slow...”

And damn right my eyebrows raised! Was she ‘forgetting’ the last hour of existence?

“Ok… slower.” She giggled a touch of nervous laughter. “That back there, in the bathroom..? Kinda wow! All known kinds of ‘wow’… maybe some unknown kinds of ‘wow’ too…”

I nodded my approval.

“…but you were right. We have so much else to think about, to worry about. A whole damn world pressed down upon our shoulders… and me.” Her voice still carried a slither of the distaste. Disbelief. “I have so much to make up for… I don’t want you to think I forget how wrong I was. I don’t expect this to be too easy.”

“It just is what it is B.” I tucked a stray hair back behind her ear. Let my fingertips rest softly against her. “We’ve got so much to fight, there’s always so much to fight… maybe fighting this is just a waste of resources… I don’t… I’m not saying I’ve forgotten, I wish that I had… but damn it… has anything ever felt this right to you before?” I just said what wanted to be said, not thinking thoughts just speaking them. I trusted my instincts. I trusted myself. “I want to be with you Buffy, whether that’s slowly, surely, an inch at a time… I know what I want. I know who I want.”

“And did I tell you that you’re amazing?”

“And didn’t I promise that I’d show ya?”

I broke the moment of heaviness. It wasn’t needed, not right then. We have so much to face, big bads, our bads, a whole fucked up world of bads. And at this moment, in this night, I know that facing it all with her is the best way to go. The only way to go. I won’t promise her slow, I won’t show her fast. I’ll let the world set the pace. Put my trust in us knowing which steps we should take. Which bridges to cross. Let each and every minute show us how to get better.

I had known when I crossed the threshold, back into the house, that it wasn’t an escape. That this door could never shield us from the badness of all of the world. Maybe tonight I had realised that it didn’t really matter… that we could shield each other. It’s what we are here for. The chosen two.

Chapter 22.

POV Buffy.

It’s really, really hard to remember the fun times, when the bad times won’t stop nipping at your ass. When duty is the only thing that’s allowed to fill your head from the minute you wake up, till the minute you fall wearily back to bed. And even then, no respite. No escape from dreams which haunt the periphery of your night vision. Screaming. So much damn screaming. My head would toss and turn with it, my limbs would tense and tighten with it, and in amongst all of that noise, I just couldn’t get a fix on what the source of the problem was. Slayer dreams at their sweetest. Why the PTB couldn’t just send us a detailed itinerary I’ll never know. No. Way too easy. A much better plan would be to send disjointed fragments of dreams, which leave me trembling with such fear, that fighting evil is the last thing I want to do. Yep! Full marks of planning to the PTB!

At least they have a plan. Our plans involve babysitting. Watching over the witches and waiting for a bad that we’re still not sure we believe in. Faith is sure. After she had spoken again to Angel, she had assured us all that it was the truth. It didn’t matter what Giles had to say, what Anya had to say. She has complete conviction in Angel. I have complete conviction in her. And of course the dreams . Hopefully not the kind that come true.

All it leaves us with is the name of a thing that we can barely pronounce. That we can’t even begin to understand. It sounds something like ‘Geraldo’. Straight up, the talk show host on the telly? I always thought that he was a little off… but not soul sucking evil leech off. It gives Dawn more excuse to watch the tragedy that is that talk show though, her eyes glazing over as she concentrates fully on the traumas of alcoholic parents and the affect that it has on the kids. I wonder if she thinks it would be a better life. Definitely more stable. I argued with her that it wasn’t really valid research, but she just raised her eyebrows and said she was doing research into the leechy moustache that sits just under the guy’s nose. What can you say to that?

As plans go she was leading the field. Cordy had hightailed it back to LA, going to retrieve Angel’s extensive information… but for us good guys here in Sunnydale? Nothing.

Every single second since the Bronze has been a torturous round of research, watching the witches, and working the Doublemeat. I’ve read more Latin then I’ll ever understand, but again, we aren’t getting anywhere. We’ve had snippets of information from Spike, all the news from the undead grave-vine. I almost resent it. Hate it so much. I see the way that he revels in it, the way that he almost taunts us with it before he’ll give it up. It’s not like we can beat it out of him, he is all that we have to go on right now. So I accept his predatory gazes, the darkness in his eyes as he tries to pretend that it’s all okay. That I can still even look at him without wanting to tear out my eyes. Erase every memory.

Maybe he thinks that it holds sway with me. That I’m on his side. That we shared something special..? All I know is that to me it feels like sickness, a sickness that I don’t ever want to remember, something that I never want to feel again.

I let the breeze in the air carry my thoughts away. Lean myself back against the wall and look for some sunshine. It is there, just behind the clouds. You only have to know where to look for it. I search out the tiny rays that have found a way to break through, let them caress my bare shoulders and infuse me with a little warmth. Let my mind wander for just a second, just one minute away from duty. I have ten minutes before Wills finishes classes, I can indulge.

Indulge is a word that makes me smile. I don’t care if I look like the crazy girl with a manic sized grin plastered firmly from ear to ear. I am insane. It’s almost official. And I love it. I love the way that just one flash to the memory of kissing her lips is enough to make me feel that everything is worth living for. I had felt the beginnings of it on my birthday, and in that murky little bathroom in the Bronze, I had found my truth in it. Just breathing in that same space of air as her makes me feel alive. Maybe more alive than I ever felt. I don’t know.

I remember touches of feelings I had never let grow. The touches before all of the bad ones had come. Touches in sparring, in training, in dancing. They had always meant something to me, a thing which I treasured, a thing that I had held dear. And now in my state of indulgence I have to wonder if they hadn’t always meant this. That somewhere underneath it all, we weren’t always destined to have this strength of feeling for each other. It had just always seemed so… naughty? Yeah. It was wrong. Wrong the way that slaying at her side had always made me rush home with thoughts about laying at her side. The surety in Angel’s presence, being knocked sideways by the complete confusion in hers. The danger scared me, the ride thrilled me. And it all ended up so badly. I stopped trying to work it through a long, long time ago. I spent that first few months after grad trying to understand what had happened, how so much had gone wrong. Why?

I think I had even started accepting some of the responsibility. So much so that when she had come back to us from that coma, I would have forgiven her everything. Would have offered her the hand that I had always meant to offer. Maybe offered everything that I had always meant to offer?

And I can’t take the blame for the next one. For what happened then. It still hurts to remember. It still feels like a blur.

It’s a time that I will never understand until I have had the time to talk to her about it. It certainly killed my sense of forgiveness, my need to bring her back to us. I hated what she did. How she did it. The ways that she hurt me. I hated it so much that it was more than easy to forget how much I had hurt her too. It didn’t matter… I had been ready to forgive, to accept, and she had thrown that back at me. In the end, all I had gained from that whole experience was more confusion. Not knowing what any of the feelings which invaded me meant. What she meant.

Could I really hate this girl in front of me, the one who was broken, who was asking for just the shot at making it right? Making it better. Could I hate the girl who had turned herself over to the police, because she believed that it was what I wanted? That it would prove that she was changing. That she was sorry.

God. I tried to make it hate. I succeeded in making it hate. It was so much easier than ever crossing the boundaries to the truth.

I hear Willow’s incessant chatter in the distance and look to see her walking my way surrounded by friends. Not people I know, nothing to do with the Scoobs. Just friends. Her eyes not bearing the worry of the world, but rather lighting with the thrill of the intellectual banter. It makes her shine, it makes me smile my greeting to her.

“Hey Wills, hard day at the office?”

She makes her goodbyes to the crowd and turns to me with a smile of her own. “Hey Buffy, you got the ‘babysitting Willow’ job for today then?”

“I requested it… I thought we could maybe get coffee?”

There hasn’t been the time yet to make my apology to Willow. To recover the connection that as best friends we have let slip. I have let slip. All the times that she had sought to see that I was okay, and I had brushed her aside to find my okay in him. It’s kind of repulsive. A repulsion I can imagine in her eyes, in the way that we have barely spoken since the other night. It forces my tone to embrace perky, my hand to clasp around hers as I try to cling on to the idea of friendship.

“Coffee’s good… although with the crazy super strong handholding, I may have to take mine through a straw…”

“Huh..? Oh… oh, right!” I let go of her hand and wince as she shakes some feeling back through it. “So how were classes?”

“Surprisingly good. I was worried I’d be distracted by the impending doomyness, but nope! It was nice to have something else to focus on… I’m SO losing my love of the Latin.”

“I hear ya Wills.” I lead her off in the direction of the coffee house. “No more love for Latin, and no more love of Geraldo.”

“Hirudo.”

“See!” I open my eyes wide, use my hands to exclaim it too. “I still can’t even remember the thing’s name… I have Dawn’s obsession with a chat show host, Faith’s insistence on calling it ‘rude dude’… Giles insisting it probably isn’t even real. I need a vacation.”

“The end of the world pretty much includes the whole world though Buffy, where ya gonna go to?”

Was I supposed to have answers for everything? “Oh, I don’t know, I just… a break would be nice.”

I see her gaze take on a faraway look, imagining her own kind of break. Her own time away from all of the crap. When her words come they sound like pleading. “Hey, you think that when all this is over, we’ll be able to get away for a few days? Maybe visit the guys in LA?”

“When all this is over Wills, we can do whatever we like. I’m gonna decree it.”

“See… you are mastering the Latin! Today a ‘decree’, tomorrow the, ‘Hirudo Beluosa.’”

It sounds so poetic, the way she lets it fall from her tongue. Shame it’s a great big soul sucking demon leech from the very pits of evil itself. “How about we abandon the foreign languages for today and concentrate on the coffee?”

“It’s a plan!”

And I KNEW I had a good plan in me somewhere! I take her arm and pull her the last of the distance to the house of the caffeine induced goodyness. Slide her into a booth and make my way to the counter. It’s fun to watch Wills get sloshed on the heavy stuff, but today we’ll keep it light. No crazy twitching and face pulling whilst I’m trying to work my way through apologies and explanations. I set the cups down and settle myself down. I don’t have to pretend anymore, I don’t have to offer my best friend the eyes that lack all sorts of anything. Don’t have to banish the real words behind the false ones. Her eyes are soft and green as they fall to rest on me, and I can see how hard she isn’t going to make this. How reassuring it is as her hand drops to mine and gives me the squeeze to continue.

“I guess you know what this is right?”

“My senses tell me coffee, but I’m gonna say we’re going with deep and meaningful.”

“Always so smart.” I draw in that breath that needs to be drawn, let it flow out. “I’m sorry Wills, I’m sorry for all of it… sorry for abandoning you, the others, sorry for lying to you…”

“It’s ok.”

It is?

“No Will, it’s not okay, I have to face up to what I did, the people I’ve hurt.”

“Yeah, facing up is of the good, but if you start, we all have to start… could take some time.”

“I don’t think anyone else comes close to touching my badness.”

She shakes her head a little, not morosely, more in disbelief. “Oh wow, you always have to be the front runner… Faith kills people, I go super suped up on the big bad mojo, Dawn gets all hari-kari with the whisky, Anya’s an ex-demon who took joy in evisceration… but you still think you’re leading the field for badness. Is it ego?”

And is she serious?

“You’re not mad at me? You don’t wanna turn me into a toad or something?”

“Nothing amphibious!”

Her eyes have flown wide and I forgot all about the frog fear. “Back up, breathe!”

It’s funny in the way that she just is funny. The Willow way.

“Breathing, backed up…” She slides me a little wink and I slide her a huge fat smile. “…but no, no turning, no madness… a little confusion, hurt. Definite wigging.”

“You’re wigging?”

“Double wigging.”

I let my face show the gravity of the double wiggings. “That’s pretty bad huh?”

“Well, it’s not everyday that you find out that your best friend is sleeping with a blood guzzling dead guy…” She pauses as I nod. “…OH! Wait!”

And now I think I’ll knot my brows in confusion, “Huh?”

“I guess I should be used to it. You and the blood sucking dead guys…”

In the end I settle for shaking my head and holding in the laughter. Letting her continue on her merry journey of humiliation. “…honestly Buffy? I’ve been thinking, and maybe you have an addiction too? Me and you could be sponsors… with the meetings, the twelve step path to recovery…”

“You’re a dope Will.”

She raises her eyebrows to tell me that she knows, that she plays it on purpose. That she wanted this to be bathed in light and not all about the heavy. It is a little heavy though. I still want to make it better.

“I never meant to go there, to go to him… I just, with everything.” And the sighs make their expected return. “I felt so bad being back, you guys were so… happy, so into the good times… at first I just didn’t want to break that. To ruin it for you.”

“You could of told us Buffy. We would’ve worked it out… there was gonna be movie nights…”

“I wish that I had. But he was there… and it felt like he understood me, knew the place I had come from…”

“The ground?”

“Death. It’s all I could taste at first, all that I could see.”

“And I was too wrapped up in my magic to even notice… I’m sorry Buffy.”

Huh? Her voice is soft and solemn and she’s speaking out of turn. This is my apology to make. Me who was wrong. I accept that. “No way. It wouldn’t have made a difference, I just… all I wanted was to be dead again, to be back where I had come from… to feel safe.”

I can feel the familiar feeling again. The warmth and the comfort. It did feel like my mothers arms, and I did miss it terribly.

“We didn’t realise Buffy, we thought… or I thought, that you were somewhere kinda helly… I never would of taken you from there if we had known.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore Wills, I’m happy to be back… it’s taken a while, I can admit that, but now I’m firmly of the happy.” I smile to prove it, she smiles right back. “All I want to do now is to beat this thing and get on with living. Not too much to ask?”

“The perfect thing to ask.”

We chink our cardboard cups together, as if we can confirm it with the gesture. Both of us wanting to get back to the happy times. “Anyway, enough of my grossly morosely bad stuff, what about you… what have you been up to?”

“Mostly just Tara.”

I can’t help but laugh a little. “It didn’t have to be sex Wills, I meant in general…”

“But it IS all I’ve been doing.” Her grin is all sexy and cute. “We’re practically under house arrest, we’re still getting used to the being back togetherness… and oh yeah, somehow we’re the key to big honking bad evil… what do you think we do Buffy? Talk politics?”

“Okay, point taken.” I had thought that all the hours spent up in their room was avoidance of me, or a deep devotion to research. It made more sense to think that they were just a pair of wanton hussy horn dogs. Made me realise that all the time I had been spending thinking about Faith, didn’t make me such a bad person after all. The easiness with which the duty thoughts were replaced.

“And you and Faith? You past the talking about politics stage yet?”

The coffee flies from my mouth in a perfect stream through the air. “Uh… politics?”

“Oh come on. The Bronze… you must know we’re not all stupid. Except Xander… he still isn’t sure he believes it.”

“I… we…” I know my mouth is trying hard to work, but what to say? How to explain it?

“I know, I know… you finally slipped out the stick and got with the girly loving… it’s great, right?”

“NO!” I turn red as the whole establishment looks towards us. Throw my widened eyes straight to Willow’s in a way that says, ‘Stop. Now. Or face the wrath of a pissed off slayer’. It’s good to see her laughing, catching the gazes of the onlookers.

“Nothing to see here folks. It’s tourettes… she’s medicated.”

And god, how does she sound so serious? I follow the shakes of heads from the crowd. The sympathetic glances. She is SO bad! “Thanks Will, as if the people of this town didn’t already think I was strange enough.”

“You can never be too strange!”

I nod my supposed agreement. Wonder what it would ever be like to be normal. “You do know though, we didn’t… you know… in the bathroom… we weren’t…”

“I know that silly, just teasing.” She arches the devilish eyebrows again. “Faith filled us in, just a little kissy kissy… nothing more, nothing less.”

“She filled you in?”

“We threatened to put a truth spell on her, she had no choice.”

I had thought that Faith had the better deal the last couple of days, watching the witches whilst I flipped the burgers. Now maybe I’m not so sure. The witches are evil. “That’s kinda mean.”

“And you’re kinda dopey.”

I am? I don’t know. I know I’m losing the thread of the conversation. I just vaguely nod, hope it covers it.

“Faith was just setting us straight… I think we over-teased her, she isn’t so keen on teasing, you should remember that.” And devilish again. “She really thinks a lot of you…”

“And I think a lot of her.” She’s almost all I think about in fact. “I don’t know what would have happened if she hadn’t come back when she had… if she hadn’t been there for everyone…”

My voice slips right back into the tone of solemn. Not sad, just honest. A truth that shouldn’t be laughed at. “…it was her Wills, seeing her again… remembering her, it all made me want more… made me want to live again, she just made me feel like living. Crazy right?”

“Not crazy.” She smiles so I continue.

“And then realising that she felt how she did, seeing the ways that she looked at me… god it scared me so much. I knew the truth. Knew how bad I was, how disgusting.”

“Hold up on the big words Buffy, it was a mistake. We all make them.”

“Exactly!” My head was nodding like a rocker in a mosh pit. “I saw how much she had changed, the way that she had made herself better, beaten her mistakes… and it just, I believed in her. I believed that I could get better… and the way she made me feel Wills?”

She is hanging onto my words. Hearing each of them. “All I want now is to be good enough for her.” And it’s the truth. I wanna wash all of the bad stuff away, banish the disgust so that I can stand in front of her and offer her everything that she deserves.

“Buffy!”

What? My mind is still offering everything that Faith deserves. She deserves a lot. I shake it though, regain some focus. “Huh?”

“You are good enough! You’re super good, like the goodest…”

“Not a chance, but thanks for saying it.” Now her eyes flash something other than happy. I don’t need sympathy, I’m not on a downer, I just know the truth. “Look Willow, these last few months I’ve been doing everything I can to make myself less, to make myself nothing… it’s a long way back, I get that.”

“I think that you’re wrong.”

“You do?”

“I know how she feels about you, regardless of the bad stuff.”

I have to sigh, and again it’s not sad. It’s just realisation of truths. “I abused her feelings before Wills, I don’t want to do that again.”

And it’s her turn to look confused. “Huh?”

I settle myself down, get ready to impart some ‘Buffy and Faith 101’. History for the masses. “You think I don’t know how she felt about me back then? The things that she offered me, the way that she made me feel?… I knew it all Wills, god, I couldn’t stand next to her without feeling the heat of it, the burning…”

And I do remember. The sparring. The training. The dancing.

“…and I took that, I played it, and I ignored it. I told her that she had made me a victim…” I pause to draw breath, to bitter laugh the truth to myself. “…yet all the time I knew how much that I had hurt her too. I let myself believe I was innocent, that I was better… could I have been more stupid?”

“Well, to be fair… she went psycho and killed people.”

“Besides the point!” And I know it isn’t, but it isn’t the point for now. “I just don’t want to play her again. I want this to be real.”

She gives me all the compassion, all the friendship, everything I could need with the look in her eyes. In the touch of her hand that sits warm against mine. “It is real Buffy, we all see it. From the minute she came back we saw it…”

“I hope so.”

“I KNOW so! In fact I decree it!”

My heart is pounding with the thought of love with Faith. Like my whole life it wanted to beat this way and I never let it, and now I have, it’s working overtime to compensate. My hormones are doing the same. I’m trying to ignore them. It’s all about the love. Uh-huh.

“I double decree it.”

I think back to the bathroom in the Bronze. So much and so little. And barely a minute to see her since. Lots of phone time. But no real time. No physical time. No ‘god damn it Faith, if you don’t touch me now I swear I shall explode… and hey, when ya do touch me..? I’m gonna be exploding anyway!’… no. Not a minute of time for that reality. I guess the world of badness decrees it. I slurp on my coffee till the noise which signals the empty cup, becomes annoying. Wiggle it at Willow, get up to get more. It feels so good to be in her space again… my best friend, and it feels like the first time I have spoken to her in months. It feels like a lifetime. I look back to her and smile, see her return it with gusto. I didn’t know how much I had missed her. How much I had missed everything in this crazy little thing called life.

I slide my way back to the seat after securing the caffeine. It’s probably not such a hot idea, more of the hard stuff, sleeping with the nightmares is bad enough. Extra stimulants definitely won’t help. I’m feeling carefree though. Like I could take on the world and win.

“So aside from the heavy stuff Buff, what’s it like?”

“Huh?”

“Well ya know, you… and Faith. Together. Kinda kooky right?”

I grin and shake my head back and forth. “Not so much with the kooky, to tell you the truth it feels a whole lot like destiny… that sounds insane right?”

“I guess it makes sense, ‘the chosen two’. Kinda puts you together whether you like it or not… definitely all destined.”

“It’s more than that Wills, it’s the power, the strength… the whole damn calling. They always say ‘one girl in all the world’… well we changed that, and it feels like we changed it for a reason. Like we knew how lonely it was, how hard it could be…and we said screw it. Almost like we were made for each other.”

And that was heartfelt. Doesn’t stop the giggles. The rolling of eyes. “You are so whupped, as in bad… as in ‘oh this feels like destiny’… smoted!”

And I don’t care. If this is whupped, then I love whupped. I love Faith. I can feel it.

“Thanks for your support and mockery of my heartfelt emotion!” I poke her in the side, just a little dig. “I forgot how good sharing with best friends was.”

“Hey, I do support you! Anything you want help with… any tips you might need? I’m happy to share, I‘m share gal!”

“Tips?”

“For the action stations. The girly loving baby!”

She thinks she can embarrass me. And I wanna cry out my laughter. Instead I force out the words. “Really Wills, that is SO nice of you to offer, but ya know?” She shakes her head, looks intrigued. I lift my hand, wiggle my fingers. “I’ve been practicing on myself for years now, really… I’m sure I can figure it out!”

And I wink, and I crow. Victory to the slayer. She just nods. And she looks. And she blushes. And I am SO the winner here. Take on Buffy and you know you’re going down.

I watch her compose herself, watch her mouth open in defeat. “I always knew you were super with the flexible.”

“Huh?”

“Well I wasn’t offering finger tips.” She lets her tongue peek out from between her pale pink lips, lets it run all the way around in the smallest dance of seduction. Barely there. Definitely noticeable. “And hey Buffy, if you’ve been practising ‘that’ on yourself for years… totally flexible. Big with.”

What can I do? I poke out my tongue.

“Well it looks to be in working order… you want to demonstrate further?”

And I laugh. And I admit defeat. It wasn’t really a fair fight, she does have more experience than me. “I’m saving the demonstrations Wills, and believe me, if I need tips?”

She smiles, she feels like a winner.

“I’ll be sure to ask Tara!”

And we descend again into giggles and fun. I love this. I love every minute of this.

“Tara is good, the best even… I’m thinking with Faith though, she’ll show you the way.” Her eyes go wide as she thinks it through. “Hey, maybe you’ll be giving us the tips!”

And I don’t want to think it, because if I start to think it I won’t be able to stop. My body keeps screaming out this need to go to her, and I have to keep dulling it with the needs of the world. With duty. With the other kind of destiny. We finish up our second coffee and head off into the early evening warmth. I have to get Willow home, then I have to go to work. If I’m lucky I’ll get to see Dawn for five minutes, if I’m super lucky I’ll get to see Faith for maybe one. I won’t let it get me down though, we have a deal. Save the world and then save us.

Me and Wills make the fun talk all the way to the house, my senses on full alert, yet my attention still resting with her. Still bantering, still having fun. Still just being Buffy and Willow. Not ‘big bad mojo witch’ and her vampire screwing side kick. Just us. Just friends.

Just slipping the key into the lock and turning the door handle. Still smiles, still fun. And then seeing what had happened in the front room! It was beyond apocalyptic. It looked like a massacre on a dairy farm. There was Anya and Faith and Dawn and Tara. All of them armed with a can of squeezy cream, all of them not caring where it went or how it got there. I didn’t know what to do, whether to laugh or to cry.

“Guys? Anyone… guys… argh!”

And yeah. Straight in the face, courtesy of Dawn.

It changed my mind about wanting to see her for five minutes. For any minutes. Made me throw off the worry of work and dive my way across the sofa to get to her, to hold her down and grab the can from her hands. To not care that it would stink later if we

didn’t clean up properly… I was going to work. Not my bad.

She screamed as I got her, as the nozzle ended up embedded in her hair. It was the best scream I’ve heard in months. Pure unadulterated joy. It sounded like fun times. And then it sounded like scolding.

“Oh for crying out loud!”

It wasn’t so much the volume as the tone. Either way we all stopped dead. All hung our heads like naughty children and turned to face Giles.

“I go out of the room for ten minutes and chaos descends?” He stomped his way to the coffee table, to the texts that lay slightly rumpled from the onslaught. “Honestly, I don’t know if any of you understands the seriousness of this situation…”

“Hey, chill Giles, it was my fault… I was just trying to lighten the tone, I didn’t mean for the stuff to get…”

“Faith, do I have to point out that we’re facing a possible apocalypse here? I thought surely that you would understand the gravity of the situation!”

He really was busting a gut. Maybe it was the cream stained literature, maybe it really was just the gravity of the situation, whichever… he was standing in front of Faith like an irate father, looking to give a lecture. Her face was a picture. Head slanted to the side as if she was taking his measure. Almost amusement shining bright through her eyes. I could picture a confrontation, could see how these two sides could collide at any moment. I felt like I wanted to protect her. Defend her.

I was over by Faith before I knew it, offering her a smile which brought her eyes round to me, took them from him. It raised my mouth further. Set my senses alight. I really have missed her. The stolen seconds between shift changes, the moments when we swapped witches, swapped duties. It wasn’t enough. Late night phone calls nothing compared to the wonderment of standing before her. Of knowing her truths and her knowing mine. I love her. And every single second that her gaze rests upon me I am falling in love with her, crazy madly deeply in love. So in love that I almost forgot Giles, forgot that I had started with a purpose other than smiling at her.

“Giles!” I remembered with shock, a nervous laugh. Turned to give him my full attention. This was my house, my home… and I had waited for far too long to hear laughter within it. “We all understand the gravity of the situation, we’ve been living with it for weeks.”

He cast his look back to the table, to chaos. “Your behaviour could better reflect that, I don’t think childish food fights are the right way to combat the forces of darkness. Do you?”

Oh come off it. He has no idea. I looked him straight in the eye, raised the can in my hand up to face level. His face level. Watched that moment of horror as he realised what I was going to do.

“Buffy…”

“Uh-huh.” I smiled as I let rip, as I covered my former watcher in the goodness of compressed cream. It was a sweet moment, made all the more sweeter by the look on his face. The disbelief, the shock… and then the smile. The taking off of glasses and the laughter in the eyes.

The room fell on a hush for a beat, no one quite sure if it was safe to laugh, if he really would accept this from me. I had no doubt. Not a worry. I know him well enough to know the glint that shines in his own eyes. The mischief. He held his hand out to Faith, collected the can from her and returned to me. And yes, I could have run, I could have slayer whupped his ass… but it wasn’t about that. I stood there and let him squirt me and I smiled right through it. Revelled in the laughter that Dawn found again, in the slaps on the back offered by Faith. In the happiness of the instant. I was learning. Every second with her I was learning.

It didn’t prompt a return to full on madness, it signalled the end of it. Everyone moving to clean up the mess. Me moving my ass up the stairs to find the fastest shower ever before work. Scrubbing away at my hair now and wishing maybe that I HAD diverted the attack with slayer speed. I was going to be late, of that I was certain.

I stand under the jets and let them do their job, let them run the almost too hot streams of water down my back. Kinda feels like heaven. I kinda know. Not taking the time to lose myself in it, just appreciating it. The floor is cold under my feet as I step out of the shower, grab blindly for a towel and wipe off the mirror. It’s always nice to see the smile now, so long I had forgotten what it looked like, and now I see nothing else. I wrap the towel around me, start fussing with my hair. If I tie it up now it’ll be easier to stick under the hat later. Always planning.

The knock doesn’t bother me, it’s a house full of girls, it would never bother me. “Uh-huh?”

“B, it’s me… can I come in?”

Oh hell yes! Not a negative in sight. “Err… sure Faith.”

I drop my voice to coy, it isn’t good to let her know just how much I want her. Like now. Step back so as she can get through the door without me falling upon her. On purpose.

“Hey.”

I just look. Watch her eyes as they slide over me in the best kind of way, chills of the nicest variety. She’s still kinda coated in all that cream, and I guess that’s why she’s here.

“Hey yourself, you come for the clean up?”

“I thought I did.” She moves a little closer, just the tiniest of steps into my space. And I stop breathing. I can’t breathe. She’s so intoxicating, the way that her eyes tell me everything she is going to do me. Everyway she is going to touch me. I think I gasp as her hand reaches my naked shoulder, as her fingers slide up to rest behind my head. “I missed you Buffy… duty sucks.”

And I don’t answer because I’m kissing her. My mouth so quick to quiet her words, my tongue demanding that she opens up to me. Shows me how much. And then I am lost. Feeling nothing past the way her touches smooth over skin, the way her kisses slip from hard to soft, from insistent to begging. I feel it all. As my back touches the solidness of wall, as I feel her body pressed up against me. I want this so much. More than anything, more than ever.

It’s not just a sigh that spills from my mouth as she pulls back, as her kisses become the gentlest flutterings against my lips. “You have to go to work.”

And she sounds so husky, so god damn sexy. “Don’t wanna.”

“You don’t?”

“Uh-uh.” I lean forwards to try and catch her lips again, scowl as she teases me, letting me so far and then pulling back. “Kiss me Faith?”

And of course she does. One last thing to remember her by, something to flip burgers to. It’s not enough, it’s nothing near what I want from her, what I need from her. But I can wait. She steps away from me and leaves me panting by the wall. Reaches into the shower and turns the knob all the way. Full steam ahead. And I don’t believe she’s going to…

Damn!

She is going to.

Her eyes are fixed on me, watching my reaction as she peels off her top, as she shows me exactly what she keeps hidden in her ample and rather pert box of treasures. And if I drool is that good? Cos I’m drooling.

“You see something nice B?”

She isn’t coming closer again, she really is getting ready for the shower, but wow! And more wow. And do all breasts look that good?

“Uh…”

“Oh come on B, you never seen a pair of tits before?” She’s laughing. I am pooling on the floor and she is laughing? I drag my eyes back to her face, that little triumphant gaze she holds over me. Oh yes. She got me good. And I love a challenge. I love it so much that I feel my fingers wrap around the top of my towel. Feel the fire race through my own eyes as I offer her a look at all that she is getting. A full look. An ‘oh my god, my towel is all falling open’ kind of look.

“Uh…”

And now who is drooling! “You see something you like Faith?”

And she doesn’t answer, she takes defeat. She fixes me fully with her gaze and just nods her head. Up and down. “There ain’t even words B.”

“Shower?”

And I know I’m bad, but she makes me that way. I offer her a wink, wrap the towel back around me and head out the door. I’m burning. I am burning all over. If I hadn’t have left the room then, I would be naked now on the floor begging that she consumes all of me, that she takes that look and turns it into a touch. She may have accepted her defeat, but we both know that it is me who has run from victory. Duty REALLY sucks!

I pass Wills in the passage back to my room. See that she has some of her own mischief flashing in the eyes. “Where’s Faith?”

“In the shower.”

She lets her gaze trail over my towel, over my flushed face. Dead set on my eyes. “Do you and her have a thing for bathrooms? Is THAT where the bond comes in?”

Oh what to do? I flip her the bird.

Then I listen to her laughter all the way to my room. I love the sound. My home is feeling like a happy one again.

Chapter 23.

The gloom in the room wasn’t an effect of bad lighting, but rather the impending sense of upcoming evil. As if it coated the very walls themselves, the air hanging stale with the odour of death. And Warren liked it, he wrapped himself in it. Had been doing his up most to feed it, to make it stronger. Since he had begun to realise the strength of the power infusing him, it had taken all of his self control not to go out and proclaim it to the world. Had settled for proclaiming it to just a select few instead. Random victims. A sadistic way to spend a Saturday night. His master revelled in it, growing stronger with every evil act committed, it’s own hunger growing, it’s own need to break free and to feed. The time was coming. The whole room could feel it.

Andrew could feel it as a chill to his bones. As tears which rolled down his face every time no one was looking. He felt guilt, he felt a sense of blame… but nothing could touch the fear. Could block out the sounds of the screaming as Warren had demonstrated the new levels of depravity to which he could sink. It had been bad with the Demon woman, but at least she still lived, still appeared useful. For the others they weren’t so lucky. Or maybe death WAS luckier. He hadn’t wanted to see, to acknowledge the malevolence that flowed so strong from the aura of his former friend, his former partner. But he couldn’t not look. Warren demanded it.

He watched him now. Watched him standing in the centre of the room as he was fawned over by Johnathan. As even the vampire seemed to sink down in his presence. He just looked so powerful, so strong. So unbeatable. Even his voice resonated with nothing but strength and determination. His plans forming like webs of evil in the depths of his mind, ready to catch them all. Destroy them all.

“I don’t understand why it’s taking so long? We had a deal… if you can’t keep to the deal…”

“It’s not that bloody easy! They all think I’m the lowest sort of pariah, touching their precious damn slayer…”

“You are the lowest the form of pariah. You’re a vampire.”

The beast within the façade of the man wanted to rise up, wanted to snarl out all his regained power and show this tossing idiot of a boy what a vampire could do. How it liked to feed. To rip out a throat and drink from the source of life. He knew that he couldn’t though. What Warren represented, the thing that he served… it was huge. It surpassed anything that the bloody Scooby’s could ever hope to fight against! It helped him to keep a focus, to remember that he was here for a reason, to smile slyly at the boy and accept his smug put downs. It didn’t matter in the long run.

Once the beast was raised, was set free, the boy wouldn’t stand a chance. He may think he was all big shot with the power now, but Spike understood evil. It didn’t respect partnerships, it didn’t respect anything. It destroyed everything. It was quite simply, evil.

“That may be, but it’s me who’s getting you your witches, you should remember that.”

“You’re getting me one witch Spike, the other I can get for myself.”

The thought of the witches excited Warren no end. The one with the innocence, who was the key to the one with the darkness. It made him smile. Made him blindly caress Johnathan’s cheek as his mind wandered through the endless possibilities. “We need a plan, you obviously can’t get me what I need without help, and I am not prepared to wait any longer. My master isn’t prepared to wait any longer.”

“What kind of plan?”

But he didn’t answer the vampire, turned instead to his meekest follower. “Do you fancy some more conjuring, some more of the big bad beast?”

“The same as before master?”

A grin wrapped tight around his lips. “Maybe stronger, can you do stronger?”

“Uh…I…” Johnathan withered ever further under his gaze. “…I can try.”

“You had better succeed.”

The hand which had been caressing, held tight now to the boys face, making him nod his head in acceptance. “I will succeed.”

“And what about me?”

“You Spike are gonna be a hero! There on hand to save the witches.” He laughed manically as he said it. Amused by his own lack of wit. “The slayers can deal with the beast, and you my friend… you can bring me Tara.”

“The red head will fry me if I try and touch her sweetie pie.”

“And I’ll fry you if you don’t get me what I want! I’ve set you free from your binds, surely a demon as ferocious as you can handle two girls..?”

Spike preened under the praise. Didn’t realise he was being patronised. “Of course I can handle two girls, I handled more than that last night.” His thoughts fell back to the previous evening, since his power had been restored he hadn’t wasted time on waiting to see if he worked properly again… he proved that he did. Found the sweetest little things that Sunnydale had to offer and proved it in all sorts of ways. Practised the unmatched pleasure in drinking fresh, draining life. It was all a rehearsal, a practice until he could take her blood. Buffy’s blood. He’d been close enough to taste it on many occasions, drawing her steadily but slowly in, every time just one time nearer. But now that that had changed he wouldn’t care for slowly and softly. He would take what was his. Her.

“Well it’s settled then! All we need now is opportunity… the right circumstance.”

“I know their routine, I’ve been following them for days. Bloody idiots.” He let his mind wander over what he knew. When Buffy worked. When Buffy slayed. “Tomorrow night.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” He had functioned by her shift pattern for months, he knew it by heart. And now he knew enough to know the other’s one pattern as well. The way she hung around his slayer every chance she got. The way she looked at her. Wanted her. It made his blood boil. Made the demon in him howl. “They’ll be alone tomorrow night. The witches and the slayers… ”

“Perfect! Johnathan?”

“Yes master?”

“Be ready for tomorrow! This is it… the moment we have planned for.” Warren’s gaze was wistful, joyous. So much planning. So many months. And now finally she would be here. Tara. Almost the final step. So close.

Andrew’s tears were falling again. Soft tracks down his face. Memories of the girl playing fresh through his mind. He couldn’t stand it if it happened. Knew that he would crumble if he saw her here. Saw Warren touch her. He tried so hard to hold it in. To make it something that it wasn’t.

The noise of the demon at his side drew his gaze, made him slide his head around to take in her almost broken form. Her eyes held firm and he sought the comfort within them. It was strange the way a bond had grown between the two, no words spoken, but the tiniest amount of strength found in just knowing that someone was there. The demon was grateful for it. She had never believed that she would find strength in a human. A human boy at that. But he had held her gaze after everything that Warren had put her through, had offered her sorrow and understanding. Had shown empathy in his eyes. And it had held her up. Had stopped her from breaking.

When William the Bloody had walked through the door she had been thrown for a loop. He had recognised her almost immediately, taken delight in seeing her that way. He hadn’t assaulted her with verse though, and that was the biggest mercy. Instead he had sneered, had joined Warren in his quest of degradation. Had used one of her other names as he had taken his pleasure there. A name she hadn’t heard in a long time. And all that she wanted now, all that she could hold on to, was a chance. The hope of a chance. She would wreak vengeance worse than anything they had ever seen! She tried to show Andrew with her look, with the set of her shoulders. No. They were not beaten yet. A woman scorned had nothing on a demon scorned!

“What’s going on here?”

They both broke the look and shot their eyes to Warren. Neither able to speak. To do anything but cower back.

“Andrew..? Is it time to die?”

He shook his head with all the vigour that the binds would allow. Couldn’t stop the fear from sliding down his leg, the shivers that wracked his body.

“That’s good… I still have a plan for you. A role. A final chance to prove that you are useful.”

Andrew’s eyes swam with more tears, more snivels behind the gag which bound him. All he wanted was the chance. Just one chance. He stopped his body from shaking more as Warren touched him. “I want you to be useful Andrew, you’ve always been special to me.”

His smile carried all the way to the demon. “Hallie, Hallie… or should I say… Cecily?”

She only found a sneer for him. He really thought that he knew it all. He knew nothing.

“I can’t decide if you’re still useful… I don’t see that I’ll be needing you, and yet I’ve come to like you…” He slid his hand across the front of her body, the shards of material that still hung there. “…maybe you have one good ride left in you?”

He turned back to the vampire, “What do you think Spikey? Have you finished with her yet?”

“I don’t care, a couple of days and it won’t sodding matter.”

The words were enough to distract Warren. Not intentionally, Spike really didn’t care about the woman, the demon… whatever she was now. All he cared about was Buffy. Getting Buffy. The words still made the leader turn away though, made him speak more about the days which were soon to come. The time which would soon pass.

Spike let him, let him believe in his own self importance. As long as he was gonna help with the slayers then it didn’t really matter to him. It was like he had said… in a few days nothing would matter. It would be a world just for evil. For demons. And he would bring Buffy with him. Finally free the demon that wanted to live in her body. It would be perfect. He stood with his eyes steady as Warren gave him the last of his instructions. He wanted Tara, but he didn’t want Willow harmed. No unnecessary force. He needed her strong. Ready to perform.

By the time that the vampire had left, the gloom had hung even heavier in the air than before. But it was more than that now, it was anticipation. It was excitement. Like a hum, like a buzz. Rising up through the room until it almost sang with it. A tune for evil to march to.

POV Faith

I circle her slowly, around and around. Keep myself focused. Let my eyes travel up over her body, let my senses register her every move. Look for the telegraph. An easy way in.

“Are you ever gonna come close enough to hit, Faith?”

And I smile at her.

“You think you can hit me?”

She edges a little nearer, I can tell she feels a little braver. Her stance still tense, her muscles still held, but closer. Taking the risk. “I know I can.”

Her leg swings out exactly where I’ve been expecting it, aiming for my soft parts, my midriff. She’s really fast… but she isn’t fast enough. I catch her leg without any effort, hold her steady for a heartbeat, my grasp firm, yet my fingers soft. “You were saying?”

I give a chuckle as I let her go, as she drops back from me again. Not close enough to hit. Not close enough to touch. And it’s an easy spar, not even training really. Just a chance to work the tension out. To give aim to something that won’t disappear.

“I’m just softening you up Faith.” She smiles that smile that I want to trace. Meets my eyes with hers, nothing but challenge. “It’s my false sense of security plan, you DO know you’re walking right into it?”

And I circle her some more. I don’t know how long we have down here. Sent away from the others because our banter was distracting. Because the way that I couldn’t stop fidgeting and the way she couldn’t stop following me was, ‘making them dizzy’. They wanna crawl inside my head for a moment, understand just how dizzy, dizzy can be.

“Only thing I’m walking into is victory B.”

“I love the confident ones, they fall so much harder. Such satisfaction.”

I feel as she comes close enough again. Feint with my right, toss her my left. And she catches it, swings it and brings it straight up behind me. My shoulder blade screaming as she exerts just the right amount pressure. I know I could move, could drop her from me in less than a second, but I don’t. I let her hold on, let her have the power for just a minute, just to see what she does with it. What her next move is gonna be.

“Are you gonna say ‘mercy’, Faith?”

And what? That was it?

“Not a chance!”

I twist in her grasp and break from her hold, push the distance back to too far. My ears picking up the sound of heavy breathing, the steady beating of her heart. I let my eyes consume her, concentrate for seconds on the rise and fall of her chest, the flush that sits across her skin. Always stalking, always looking. Deciding my own next move. The places I want to touch her, to hold her. It makes me step forwards. Makes me dance into her space with one thought on my mind. Exerting my own power.

I see her mouth go to open as she notices me coming closer, no doubt some more banter to soften the occasion. But I don’t want soft. I want to touch her. To feel her. I slice through her defences with a speed which I am proud of, my hands latching onto her arms and spinning her round into a hold. Backed up against me, ass nestling tight. The strength in one arm enough to restrain her as I feel her yielding into my touch. Letting me feel the intimacy of her body pressed tight against mine. My lips falling to her neck to savour the taste of her skin, slowly up to her ear to whisper my words.

“Are ‘you’ gonna say mercy, B?”

And she whimpers… and it’s fucking touches me places I can’t even name. As if every one of my senses is keened to hear that sound, to feel it. Giving me nothing but the need to hear it again. Over and over. I feel her back pressing hard into my chest as she takes in a deep breath, my grip softening to let her turn in my hold. No longer her ass nestling against me, but the whole of her body. Her arms sliding down to meet at my back.

“And what if I don’t want mercy, Faith? What happens then?”

“Then I’ll just have to take you down.”

I show her the best that my eyebrows have to offer, wiggling their insistence that they would LOVE to take her down. And she takes it as an invitation. Her lips pressing firm against mine, softly sucking, drawing my lower lip into her mouth just so as she can run her tongue the length of it. Nip gently with her teeth. “You think you can take me Faith?”

My hormones are demanding it.

This slow dance of seduction that we have going, is perfect when you think about all of the things which we still have to work through, all of the things which we still have to face. It’s not perfect though when you consider how god damn much I just fucking want her! I want to hear her whimper all night from the way that I’m touching her, my name on her lips as I take her to all of the places that I’ve ever wanted to take her. It feels like the most intense need I have ever felt, burning straight through me. And I know that she feels it.

I wrap my leg around hers and swipe it away, my arm reaching out to brace us as we fall to the mat. Me against her, in the only kind of way that it has ever made sense. My thigh is resting hard between her legs, my chest pressing firm against her chest. And I can’t help but strike up the smallest of rhythms, just slow grinding pressure as I look into her eyes. “Do you want this B?”

And I know that we can’t, that this won’t be the time or the place… but I just want to hear the words. I want to hear the confirmation that she feels it too. That her body demands just as much from me as I am demanding from her. She drops her hand across my back leaving a trail of fire through my top, pausing at the gap of skin, the slightest glance of finger tip there. And then cupping my ass, pulling my rhythm harder against her, forcing my thigh to give her all kinds of friction.

“I need this Faith.”

Her eyes bare the truth as I close in for a kiss. Not able to stop my tongue from crashing straight through her lips, from filling her mouth. I just need to be inside of her. I don’t need to breathe, to take air, I just need this. This feeling like I’m burning from the inside out, all of me on red hot fire and all of it for her. The insistent rhythm dragging me along to feel things that I have never even felt with my clothes off. I break the kiss as I feel her hand slide down lower, caressing the crack of my ass with the ends of her fingers. Gasping as she sinks lower still, the slightest of teases running soft along the seam, tight across my pussy. “Jesus B…”

And it’s all that I can manage before my head sinks down, before I lose my focus in the feel of her fingers. No matter through pants, that it isn’t as close as I need… it’s still touching me. Just the gentlest of circles now, my breathing harsh and haggard against her neck as everything goes into concentrating my thoughts, to feeling the slip and the slide and urging for more. Her hips rising to meet every single plea that I am thrusting down into her. I forget where I am, I forget who I am. It’s all about the point of contact, about the way that her body is responding to mine. The way that her hands are still pulling me in, pulling me firm. The fingertips that are keeping steady rhythm, back and forth across the seam of my pants, constant applied pressure. I don’t even realise how close I am, would never believe that so little could bring me so close, not until I hear her ragged whispers in my ear.

“Come on baby…”

Over and over. Better than the whimpering. Calling me forth. Calling me baby?

It intensifies every second of it, hearing her words and giving her what she wants. As if she’s in tune with me, as if she knows just how close she is taking me. It’s not fucking, it’s not even that close to fucking… but damn it I don’t care. I feels fucking perfect. I bite down onto my lip as the pressure reaches an almost aching crescendo, as her fingers rub as harshly against my pussy as I am pushing down onto hers. Sounds exploding in my ears, colours fucking bursting in front of my eyes. And I push more. Crushing her beneath me with the size of my want.

“Do you feel me B, uh… can you feel this..?”

Her whole fucking body is telling me she feels this, but damn it, her voice. It sounds like nothing I’ve heard before. All of that wanting. And all of it for me.

She breathes her ‘yes’ into my ear as she goes rigid beneath me, holding me tight, and holding me firm. Just in one place, pushing her hips up as hard as she can, pulling me in as tight as she can. As close to breaking point as I am. As desperate as I am. And I fucking love it. Love the sigh that breaks from the back of her throat as it crashes straight through her. The sigh that matches from my own throat. It’s pressure I don’t want to break, still softly grinding, knowing that I need more. Lips finding lips again as she seeks the kiss to bring her back down, her steady rocking against me becoming less and less. And finally stopping. Coming to rest. Just me above her, nibbling my way from her mouth to her neck, my tongue stretching out to taste the sheen on her skin. I can’t even try and make sense out of what she is saying, my face still buried in the crook of her shoulder as I attempt to grab back onto reality. Feeling the smile that slides across my lips as I become aw are of every place that her body still touches mine. How easy she lays underneath me. How well it all fits. And I want to say something. I have so many things to say, things that I want to say. Not even knowing how to start.

“This is messed up.”

“Hmmmm… huh?” I try not to laugh as she stiffens beneath me, as she moves her head to find my face. “You what?”

And it is ok, I do have more to the sentence. “This, I mean… a girl like me, normally I have trouble keeping my pants on…” I offer her the cockiest of grins. “…now it seems like I can’t get my pants off.”

She just returns my grin with one of her own. “We’re taking it slow remember..?”

And that makes me laugh a little of the frustration away. Makes her start sliding the hand that was nestled snug against the swell of my pussy, all up and away. Leaving me to hiss with the last of the contact. Then creeping to a new destination. Fingertips running along the edge of my pants, just dipping beneath… “Did you wanna take your pants off Faith?”

Singsonging it with the sweetest of teases. And I just answer with a growl. Cos god yes! I so fucking wanna take my pants off!

It makes her laugh now, a real laugh. Makes me bring my face close to hers again to wrap her up in a kiss. An affirmation of everything I am feeling for her. Losing myself again in a need which still seeks to be sated.

“Ooh… will you two be taming the big bad evil with all of the kisses?”

And what the fuck?

I swing my head to the door and find Anya standing there watching us, the gleam in her eyes making me wonder just how long she has been playing the voyeur. My senses have been totally lost in all that is Buffy. The same Buffy who is now squirming underneath me and looking for an out. And I’m not moving. Happy to have her resting there. Not caring so much who knows it. I turn my attention back to the peeper.

“Do you think it would work Anya?”

I drawl it out slow, maybe try and bring some flush to her cheeks with the tone in my voice. Flick any embarrasment away from the two of us laying prone on the floor, straight over to her. I see her considering, the unhindered gaze taking it’s time to process the sights. Finally meeting my eyes with anything but embarassment.

“It would work better with your clothes off.”

And she’s good. And she’s right!

Buffy is practically begging me to get up off of her now, and I have to comply. Ease myself slowly up to let her rise to her feet. I wanna moan the loss of contact, of closeness. Settle instead for grinning at the cute little pink flush that B HAS found to cover her cheeks.

“We were just sparring Anya, uh… why would we ever spar naked..?”

Yeah Buffy. Even I believe you. JUST sparring.

“Well if that was sparring then I want to get in on this training regime!… The research is getting beyond tedious…”

She walks down into our space as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to stumble across two girls dry humping in the basement. “…and speaking of tedious, Giles wants you back upstairs… he has some more of those frightfully interesting facts that he just can’t wait to share.”

And that totally just bitch slapped the hornies.

“So what’s the what?”

“Oh it’s nothing important!” She’s nodding her head as if she’s the sage on all things important. “He’s been reading some old medical books, I think he wants to impart some general leechy knowledge…”

“Can life get any better?”

“Come on B, it’ll be fun…”

“No it won’t.” She looks pretty sure of herself. Doesn’t stop her from moving though. Sighing her exit from our innocent little ‘sparring’ session. And I know just how she feels. It makes me hook my fingers into the back of her pants as she goes to leave, tugging her softly, just to get her to turn and to look. Watching Anya leave as she gives us this last second of goodbye.

“Hey.”

She fixes me with a smile, a softening of her eyes. Lets herself relax as I bring my arms up around her.

“Do you think this will ever be over Faith? That we’ll ever get the time to actually be together.”

It’s all that I want. “Sure we will.”

“When?” And I can hear all of my own need hidden within her one word.

“Soon.”

It’s the best that I can do. She reaches the small distance to place a sweet kiss to my lips. Slips her hand down into mine as we turn back towards the others, back amongst the bad stuff. Coming up through the door and finding all of their eyes lost in the research. It was Giles who turned first, the one who had called us back.

“Ah girls, was the training session good? Do you think you’ll be able to concentrate now?”

“Sure thing Giles, it was a wicked work out… slayed some of that tension, you know?”

I could hear Buffy stifling something behind me. Anya offering a sly grin in front of me. And everyone else oblivious. All of them dulled by the endless pages of words that they had been forced to endure. It made me feel guilty for a moment, until I remembered how long I had waited on the moments. Then I just smiled some. Even as I was forced to listen to the lecture on the leeches I kept smiling. Trying hard not to close my eyes as I was forced to turn pages with the rest of them. Nothing to distract us until Dawn arrived home from school.

Things with me and Dawn are kinda cool. I haven’t had the chance to sit her down and sort it through, but she’s not holding it against me. We don’t flaunt anything in front of her, and so far she hasn’t brought it up. Has been happy to just hang with me without getting into the heavy. But I am just waiting on a chance to speak to her, I want to reassure her again. I did come here for her.

We kept at the tedious awaiting the sundown. An excuse to stop, to order food, to make arrangements for slaying. For babysitting. And it was me that offered to stay. I wanted more than anything to go scratch my itch on the undead bastards of the world, knowing my pent up energy would make light work of all of them. But I really did wanna have that chat with Dawn, wanted to make sure that things really are okay. Buffy isn’t the only Summers girl that I have grown a gigantic soft spot for, and I want Dawn to realise that. To know that she still means so much to me. And I’d come armed for the occasion. Remembering the gift I’d brought with me all those weeks ago that I still hadn’t gotten round to imparting. Figuring that the grotty state I had put it in would leave it pretty much undesirable.

I waited until Buffy had left to seek out her sister, finding her up in her room, hitting the school books. “Hey Dawn, whatcha working on?”

“Algebra. It sucks. I can feel my brain melting.”

“For real?”

It sounded kinda painful.

“Totally, you think you guys have it bad with the research? Ha! You wanna spend a day working out the values of your X’s and Y’s.”

I just nodded. Cos yeah, like I knew what the fuck she was talking about. Math genius was never my thing. I walked my way fully into her room and joined her on the bed. Plopped the worse for wear soft toy straight down on top of her text book.

Saw her face wrinkle in something close to… disgust? “What IS that?”

“It’s for you… it’s a gift.”

I kept my face straight and solemn. It was nice to always find a little fun.

“Uh… right. A gift.” I could see her eyes trying to understand the what’s and the why’s. “Is it my birthday… a really bad birthday?”

“No, I just wanted to get you something… do you like it?” I kept my voice steady, pretended like I couldn’t see any reason for her obvious apprehension.

“Yeah… it’s great, it’s erm… what exactly is it?”

And then I had to laugh, had to ruffle the Cordy styled hair that sat straight on her shoulders. “It’s a soft toy ya dork, I bought it for you when I got here… never got round to giving it to you, figured that now was the perfect time.”

“Right… and where did you buy it Faith? The toy shop in hell?”

I looked it over, and yeah…it was kinda messed up. Caked in some of the blood from the night I had issues with the mirror. It had helped me through that night though, crazy as that sounds. It was something to hang on to. Something soft amongst the shards. “Yeah, sorry bout that… it did look better, a lot better.”

“Hard to believe.”

“And yet it’s still true.”

She picked it up gingerly in her hands, turned it slowly around. “Why did you get me a soft toy anyway? Did you forget how old I am?”

“No…” I took it back off of her, let it rest in my own hold for a moment. “…I just, when I was coming here… I knew how much things sucked for you and I wanted to make it better… I guessed you’d either laugh at it, or love it.” I shrugged my shoulders. “Either way I figured it’s a winner.”

She went quiet in the way that let me know that she knew we were having a chat. A serious conversation.

“You do know that I meant it when I said that I came here for you? No matter about B and me, I came here for you.”

“I know that, really… but Buffy? I just don’t get why… and how..?”

I thought about the birds and the bees talk. Instead I decided to be honest. To tell her the things that I haven’t even had the chance to say to B yet. She deserved it. To not be lied to. “Because I love her Dawn, I kinda always loved her…”

She scrunched up her face to let me know that she thought it was all kinda gross.

“…before when you asked about the aggro? Well that was it. I loved her, it made me kinda wacky.”

I looked at her and waited for the truth to sink in. The knowledge that it had always been Buffy for me. I expected some shock, some gasped surprise.

“I knew it!”

“You what?”

“Seriously… I always used to tease Buffy about you and her… but then, with the uh… killing and stuff…” I nodded my okay. “…I figured I was wrong, and when you came back and things were..?”

“Not of the good.”

“Yeah, not so good… then I thought I was WAY wrong. I’m a kid, like what do I know about signals?”

“I’m an adult, and I don’t know shit.”

“Well obviously not… not if you want Buffy!”

She laughed, and I looked hurt. Then I joined in the laughter. I know she’s only teasing, I know how much she adores her sister.

“But you’re okay with it, yeah? Not full of the anger, a little resentment?”

“I’m okay with it. Really.” She offered me a sincere little smile. Quickly turning into a cheeky Dawn style grin. “I am kinda shocked that Buffy could ever pull a hot chick like you though!”

And that made me laugh. “Aw Dawn, you think I’m hot?”

“Not really, not like… Brad Pitt hot. But for a girl you’re not that bad.”

I took the compliment and assured her she was pretty darn hot as well. JUST as hot as her sister. She wanted me to say more, but there was not a chance in hell. No one was hotter than Buffy. It was the truth.

We talked a little more of the love stuff, her asking questions, me offering answers. It was strange being so open, but it all felt so easy. Kinda natural. I promised her with my most honest tone, that I would never hurt Buffy. That I really was in love with her, that I wanted to make her happy. It’s when the scales were tipped over into super serious. Crazy heavy. Her words sounding as child like as I had ever heard them.

“Does that mean after… that after you guys have beaten the big bad… will you be staying here Faith? You won’t be leaving us?”

Fuck.

That was where my mind had run then. I hadn’t even given it a thought, had just focused on beating the bad and then being with Buffy. I hadn’t logicked it through to include living arrangements and relocations. I liked LA. I had found a place for myself there. Could I really just leave it all behind for this? I had run my eyes over to hers. Seen all the worry and the fear. Not of a big bad, of an evil monster. But of abandonment. Of being left behind again. And my heart gave me the only answer that I could ever offer.

“I’ll be here for as long as you need me kid… I told you that before. If you and Buffy want me to stay here… then yeah. I’ll sort my stuff and I’ll be here.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.” And it did feel like the only words to say. Not listening to my worries, to my own fears of everything to do with families and structure and love and commitment. I knew that I could make a home here. It already felt like home here.

I stayed up in Dawn’s room, just hanging out whilst she did her work. Offering as much helpful advice as I could to get her to finish quicker, played her a couple of hands of cards once she was done. When Buffy got back from the slaying we coerced her into joining us. Ignoring Giles’s stern gaze to make just fifteen more minutes for the smiles and the sunshine. And it did make me see how good it could be. How normal it could be. What this real home could feel like.

I didn’t mention any of that to B before I left though. Before I came back to my apartment. I haven’t even told her how crazy in love with her I am, it’s hardly right to tell her that I’m thinking about moving in. No. I’ll wait until the time is right. Give it a day or two.

I made sure to ring the gang in LA before I went to my bed, I wanted to catch up with the info process and see how much longer till Cordy brought all the good stuff back. The lack of real knowledge here is getting folks down. And of course I wanted to talk to Angel. I may not be ready to tell Buffy yet about my grand moving plans, but I was ready to tell him. To see what he would think if I moved on from LA, if I stayed here in Sunnydale. It was amusing to hear his laugh. His words.

“Since when did you start asking for permission Faith?”

And it did seem kind of funny. But I just wanted him to be alright with it. I owe him so much, damn it, I admit it… I fucking love him so much, and I don’t ever want to just walk out on him.

He gave me every assurance I needed that Angel Investigations could cope without me, that he could cope without me. Yes he would miss me, he missed me now, but I had to do what was right for me. He said that all I needed to do was to work out if this was what I really wanted. Family life in the suburbs. Was it for me?

He said that I should be sure before I offered it. And I know that, and I promised. And I am sure. It is what I want. To be with Buffy and to be with Dawn. A place where I know I can be happy. A place where I can know love.

I had lots to think over as I went to my bed. Not near enough room for duty thoughts, as all I could feel were Buffy thoughts. So easy to let my mind drift back to earlier, to let my hand drift down my body. To feel fingers slide deep inside of my pussy as I panted out her name. I want it so damn much, to feel her… to really feel her. I’m fucking aching for her. No self fulfilling climax even coming close to dampening my need. And I wonder if she feels it too. If her mind wanders over my body the same way that mine wanders over hers. If her own fingers seek to make good on the promises we had been offering each other since the Bronze.

Fuck. I just want to taste her. To touch her.

To erase everything bad in the truth of how good we are together. How well it all works now that we want it to work. Now that we’ve finally grown up enough to accept all that it means. Jesus… all I really want to do is to tell her that I love her. For the moment to sit perfect, for the whole fucking world to quiet just long enough for me to get it out. Just long enough for her to hear me.

“I love you Buffy.”

It feels so right to speak it out loud. It’s the most right I’ve ever felt my whole life. And it lulls me into the most perfect sleep. Finally dreaming my sweet dreams.

Chapter 24.

POV Tara.

“So are you guys nearly finished then?”

It was about the tenth time she had asked in just as many minutes. Glancing up to the clock, back down to us, standing up to pace for a few steps, absently running her hands along the faces of the books. Staring back at the clock with deeply impassioned sighs. All stretches and yawns.

“You know if you stop asking, we’ll get done a lot sooner.”

“Well if you just got done already, then I could stop asking.”

And we weren’t taking our time on purpose. We have an assignment due in on Monday, and coming to the library tonight means that we can get all of the information we need to work on it over the weekend. It’s how we always do things. Meeting Buffy after her double shift at the Doublemeat Palace. It was routine, and at this time when the whole world feels a little wacky, it’s important to keep a routine. A semblance of something normal. Something to return to.

I had skimmed my eyes one last time over the rest of the text, made sure I had everything that we needed to do a good job, and then I had slammed it solidly to closed. Offered Faith the smile she had been waiting on. Obsessively waiting on.

“Okay, that’s me done. Willow?”

“Two more minutes sweetie…”

“Oh for fucks sake Red!”

It had sounded like a child’s whine, like we were depriving her of her favourite toy, her favourite plaything. It only made me smile at her more. Made me place my hand across the table and close Willow’s textbook. “Come on baby, if we want to meet Buffy we have to get going… we have all the notes we need.”

She’d looked about ready to protest, to argue the need to soak up one last drop of knowledge, one more unknown fact, but I had diverted her with my eyes. A slight raise of eyebrow, the smile that makes her go all mushy.

“Please?”

And then she was the one who was smiling, going off to return the books that she had just been so eagerly looking through, happy to take my hand into hers and set off together with Faith. To forget the scholarly pleasure and to lose herself in the pleasure of friendship. Conversation flowing between the three of us as if it had always flowed that way. At least as if it had always meant to flow that way.

“So I saw the toy you got for Dawn, it was cute…a little gross, but definitely cute.”

“She showed you it?”

I wouldn’t have said that she had started blushing, that she was giving any outward sign of feeling a little exposed, but there was just that sense of hidden vulnerability… it made her words sound guarded.

“Wasn’t she meant to?” I had watched her shrug her shoulders, offer a disaffected grunt. “She told us that you spoke to her…”

“It’s no big deal Tara.”

“Well I thought it was a big deal Faith, I thought it was ALL kinds of cute…”

I turned my gaze to Willow to witness the rolling of her eyes. The little impish grin that sat upon her lips. And yes, she WAS looking to tease her again. It amazed me how easy she found it to tease her now, when just a few weeks ago she would have assured us that teasing Faith meant probable death. That the girl was definitely psycho.

“Red, I don’t do cute…”

My overblown exasperated sigh had been enough to get her to stop. To make her look my way and await the reasons for the obvious dramatics.

“Oh just deal with it Faith, we know you’re all big and bad and tough, but you’re also all kinds of cute… embrace it, it’s a good thing.”

She didn’t look too convinced, maybe not so comfortable to be wearing the ‘cute’ label. But the soft toy WAS cute, and thoughtful. And most of all, it was nice. A good thing to do. Maybe a little nicer if you ignored some of the bloodstains and general grottyness… but either way, the thought was a good one.

“I wasn’t trying to be cute, I just wanted to…”

I filled up the blank that her un-ended sentence had left “To let her know that you care?”

And she didn’t shrug again that time, she nodded her acceptance of the truth.

“Yeah, I know she was pissed at me… cos of the B thing. I’d meant to give it to her weeks ago, I just forgot.”

I moved the step over to link my arm through hers. The three of us walking along together. Cocooned within our conversation.

“She told us that Faith, and she told us how not pissed she is…”

“Oh it was WAY more than not pissed! We got the full on Faith-festical. Complete with the odes… impressions… all out hero worship…”

It made me giggle a little, just softly, made me nudge Willow a bit more firmly in the side. Dawn wasn’t that bad. She was just excited. Tempted by the happiness.

“So she really doesn’t mind, cos I thought maybe she was just saying it… not wanting to upset me, to upset B.”

I paused in the walking, held firm to pause the two of them as well. I waited until she had turned to me, showed me those deep brown pools of emotion. Really such beautiful eyes. “Faith, she was no where near upset… this last week, just feeling the tiniest touch of happiness in the house..? She’s smiling again, like she used to smile… Buffy is smiling again…”

And she looked a little shy again, as if she didn’t want to take all of the credit. But I give credit where it is due, and it is so long overdue here. “It’s all true, whatever it is that made you come back… Dawn OR Buffy, it doesn’t matter. You’ve made them both better Faith. It’s all getting better.”

I started dragging them both back along before either of them could say more words. I didn’t want banter to cheapen the feeling. We all talk together behind Faith’s back, we have done since she has got here… and I know that we all feel the same. No hesitation to toast the idea of ‘Buffy and Faith’, because seeing it for real just makes so much darn sense. It’s in the way that their eyes shine at each other . The way their mouths smile for each other. We can all appreciate the good in it.

“Did Dawn tell you I’m thinking about staying? After all the ‘big bad’, shit?”

“Hey… she told us you WERE staying…” Willow looked at me a little confused, waiting on the confirmation of Dawn’s words. “…didn’t she baby?”

“Yes, she said you kinda… promised?”

“Right... yeah.” She undid her arm from mine and started with the tossing of her stake. Running it over and over, around and around in her grasp. “I did say that, the thing is I haven’t spoken to B yet, I don’t want to assume…”

I had stifled my laughter, Willow didn’t even try. “Oh come on, you are joking?!”

“What Red?”

“Buffy is full of the ideas of you staying in Sunnydale! Before you know it you’ll be picking out the fabrics together, dish towels… bed spreads…”

Faith’s eyes had widened with each new domestic shopping spree being suggested. And I knew just how she felt. The idea of happy families was foreign to me too, the trusting people to treat you right, to love you like you love them. I made a grab for her arm again, snuggled her back into the threesome.

“Don’t worry Faith, Buffy doesn’t do the whole picking out fabrics thing… everything will be fine. Trust me”

“You really think that she wants me to stay.., like forever stay?”

“I think she’d be offended if you wanted to go.” I smiled my softest at her. Offered her as much reassurance as I could with one look. And she smiled in return, her own soft smile before her eyes had left mine. Focusing into the distance as the Doublemeat Palace first became visible on the horizon. As the smell first started creeping up to greet us. I always wondered how Buffy coped, especially with the super sensitive senses.

“What’s the time?”

“Five to, we’re a little early.”

“Cool… it’s better than late.”

I nodded my agreement. Willow choosing to speak up.

“Yeah, so much for the pacing at the library, the, ‘oh, you don’t have time to copy the rest of the notes Wills, don’t worry about the dangers of academic failure’… nope, just gotta get there early…”

But she wasn’t listening. I was barely listening. My eyes trapped and held by the look that was flowing through hers. Not to me, not for me. But for Buffy. The littlest of our slayers choosing that moment to walk through the doors, to come across the car park to meet with us. Her own eyes shining. Both of them wearing the love.

“Hey B, you got off a little early…”

“Better than late!”

And you see? They even speak the same thoughts.

“So how was the library then guys, what did I miss… how’s things at home, is Dawn okay?”

“Whoa… slow down there Buffster! You been hitting the caffeine again?”

She hadn’t really spoken that fast, but she did maybe look a little wired, her eyes straining just a little red around the edges.

“Argh, long story… no sleep. Double shift at the Doublemeat, just give me something normal to think about…”

Our laughter rose a little, Faith moving in to walk at Buffy’s side. No longer a threesome but a foursome. Willow taking the time to fill her in on the happenings of the day. Nothing much. Just routine normalness. Probably a thing we should treasure; The monotony of a normal day.

“So why with the not sleeping, you still having the nightmares?”

“The slayer dreams aren’t the prettiest.”

The weariness of her tone was easy to hear, the obvious hours she spent tossing and turning, bearing the weight of the world upon her shoulders. She offered us a little smile, the tiniest of grins. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate the heads up, I do, really… but why can’t they actually tell me something that we can use? I don’t have the mind for the cryptic…”

“Pesky little powers that be!”

“You said it Wills.”

She brought her hand up to her hair and smoothed it back behind her ears, took another little rub at the bloodshot eyes. “It’s all part of the job though, I can cope.”

As her hand dropped down again she let it brush softly against Faith’s. Waited for the fingers to open up and enclose her own. Just a little turn of the head, a meeting of gazes. Those silent looks that say so much.

“I still don’t get why Faith isn’t having the dreams, it’s kinda weird…” Willow gave us all her best thinking face, turned towards the two slayers. “…you are still not getting them, right?”

“Yeah.”

And I know I wasn’t the only one that saw the slump to accompany the word. Buffy quick to jump in and refute any self doubt that was possibly brewing.

“Hey, it doesn’t mean anything. They’re probably keeping you all fresh for the battle, it wouldn’t do to have two exhausted slayers on the job.”

“It’s cool B. I know the deal. I fucked up big, the PTB don’t trust me yet to do it right.” She offered a shrug that begged to be indifferent, to shield us from the private woe. “It’s messed that you have to go through it alone, but I get it… you’re the slayer of choice, that’s the way it is. Probably the way it should be.”

I searched my mind for an argument to beat back hers, but I just didn’t know. Maybe the lack of slayer dreams IS admonishment by the higher beings. Maybe they don’t trust her yet to do the job for the good side… and they are so wrong! Surely it is as obvious to them, as it is to us, how good she is, how strong she is. That there really is a chosen ‘two’?

I expect I knew that it would be Buffy who understood it better, who knew how to make arguments of sense. “No way Faith, you don’t get off that easily!”

“Get off?”

“I spent years trying to ditch this ‘one girl in all the world’ crap, there is NO way I’m doing that again!” I watched her throw off the tiredness to turn her tone to impassioned. “We’re both slayers, the slayer… whatever, and the nightmares don’t change that. Nothing changes that, not anymore.”

“Uh…guys?”

We all turned our attention to Willow, to the vamp that was closing in with each passing second. “You think either of you slayers could maybe deal with that?”

But they were already moving, breaking the contact of the holding hands, sizing up the lumbering form of a newly emerged vampire.

“You want this one B?”

“You take it.”

I watched as Faith slid her head to the side, openly pondering. “You’re just saying that because of the dreams thing, right?”

“You what?”

“You think you have to defer the manual labour to me, get some of those ‘valued’ feelings racing through my body.”

I wanted to pay them attention, to follow the banter… but the vampire? He was coming closer still, across the park now, almost upon us.

“Err… Buffy? Faith..?”

Their gaze still locking into each other. Not hearing a word.

“I was ‘actually’ just feeling tired. Exhausted, generally beat.”

From the corner of my eye I could see her smile, completely ignoring the enclosing beast, completely ignoring everything except Faith. Bringing that hand up to her exposed skin, tracing it the length of her arm. “Besides Faith, I know it’s not ‘valued’ feelings that race through your body after a good slay…”

“GUYS!”

Wills screamed it, not me. The vamp was practically ready to take a bite from them, his form launching through the air to land upon them at any second. It wouldn’t matter then who was ‘the’ slayer. We’d be lucky to be left with one.

And then I watched Faith move as if in slow motion, maybe fast motion. Maybe I didn’t see anything at all. All I know is that I saw her smirk, I saw the wink… I saw the ‘look’ that she gave Buffy’s words. Then I saw her arm extended with a stake in her hand, and the vampire blowing on the breeze. I know my mouth hung open. I know that ‘that’ had been beyond fast.

“Nice moves slayer.”

“Glad ya like them B.”

Their focus hadn’t changed, as if we weren’t even there baring witness. The mating dance so easy to spot from a mile away, let alone as close as we were. Hands moving down over skin to find a way to hips, to bring bodies closer. Noses grazing with the slightest of intent. I had been entranced. Willow hadn’t. Her giggling hard not to miss, as her hand squeezed tight in mine.

“Hey Tara, you think we’re gonna get our own ‘dry hump’ demonstration?”

And of course I laughed. “Oh! I have my books, we can take notes!”

I mimicked getting my stuff from my bag as they both turned to take us in, satisfied smiles sitting plain on their faces. They didn’t break the contact of the hold though. There was still a chance we would get the demonstration.

“Do I even wanna know what you’re talking about?”

“Oh come on Buff, no playing innocence here girly!”

“Playing innocence?”

It was obvious the way that her fingers were still caressing Faith, that she wasn’t thinking anything innocent, far from it. She also hadn’t caught the meaning though, didn’t register the same understanding that Faith was shooting our way.

“Anya right?” We nodded our assent, offered our smirks and raised eyebrows. “Damn, I knew she was watching! Freaking demon pervert!”

“Watching? Watching what exactly… we were just sparring! SPARRING!”

And yes, Buffy had caught on too. I don’t know if she thought the volume would sway our belief, or if she hoped that it would hide her embarrassment. It certainly didn’t stop Willow in her quest.

“Sparring on the floor with…” She stopped and considered for a moment, recalling Anya’s words. “…‘Faith writhing around on top of you, and you full of the moaning’… ‘that’ kind of sparring Buff?”

“I pulled a muscle!”

“I betcha did, ya little vixen!”

It was just too funny, and also a little ridiculous. Two grown women getting busted for dry humping in the basement. In a way I suppose, it WAS innocent. More of the cute.

“Leave it B, we’re busted.” Faith turned to Willow and offered a smirk of her own. “At least now you know why training is such an important part of the routine…”

And yes, the eyebrows came out to play. I think they scare Willow a little, the blatant sexuality that she can turn on and off with the rise and fall of those two perfectly crafted brows. I watched my little red head as she considered Faith’s words, as her own were set to be offered. “You do train an awful lot, I suppose there has to be some benefit to it.”

I had to speak, had to remind them that I was still here. “So are we getting a demonstration then?”

“Well I’m game Tara, ask B.”

And the look on Buffy’s face brought laughter to us all. I’m not sure where the teasing ends and the truth begins sometimes. The boundaries always shifting, sometimes in the loop, sometimes out. It keeps it fresh, keeps it fun. Did nothing to stop the chill in the air as Spike made an unexpected appearance.

It wasn’t only me that felt it. I watched as they all stiffened, as Faith moved closer to Buffy’s side with that special sneer which finds her face whenever he is around. I let my hand find Willow’s, knowing that the tension gives her an acid tummy. A worrying frown.

“Evening ladies.”

Said so easily. So lightly.

I like to find the good in everyone, I truly do. I look for the good in everyone, but with Spike… I just don’t know. He has done some good things, especially last year. But now? Now it doesn’t seem as if I can even find the one thing redeeming. Praying for all of this to be over just so as we could say goodbye to him from our lives. Forever.

“What do you want?” Faith snarled it at him. Almost growling.

“Easy love, I just came to give some info to the slayer…”

And he had to know that he was baiting her. As if he had heard the conversation containing her doubts and looked to play upon them now. As if he sought to taunt her. It gave me my own worrying frown, a frown which didn’t disappear until I witnessed Buffy’s hand on Faith’s arm, the way that it moved up and down in confident calming strokes. The way her voice rose with strength and steel to dismiss him from our foursome.

“If you have info Spike, then you can give it to me or to Faith… we’re ‘both’ the slayer.”

His distaste was obvious, as was hers. What wasn’t so obvious though, was the reason that he had found to smile. The way he thought that he had the power to covet her so openly, to run his eyes upon her form as if he believed that they were lovers. But they had never been ‘lovers’, of that I couldn’t be more certain.

“Fine, like I bloody care, I’m just trying to help.”

“So help. What do you know?”

She hadn’t left Faith’s side. Hadn’t moved her hand from the arm of the person that she did love. Maybe finding her strength there, the ability to stand so firm in front of the thing which had haunted her for months. It was good to see, even as his words spoke of the rumours of a beast sent to get the witches, to get me and Willow, even through that, the strength in the slayers’ stances had made me find a smile. Find confidence.

We continued to walk as he talked, him on the periphery, gaining no entry into our tight knit group. His words bringing no banter, but instead business tones, for business talk. It was uncomfortable, of course it was, but it was more than that. It was a feeling, a taste in the mouth, a turning in the tummy. A feeling that sat and told me that something was wrong. Something was very wrong. My grasp was getting tighter and tighter in Willow’s, hers offering the same back, making me wonder if it was a general feeling, felt by the masses.

I Caught the vigilant swinging of eyes from both of our slayers and knew that it was the truth. In fact the only one who didn’t seem affected was Spike. And If only I had known why. But I hadn’t. All thoughts being lost in the scream as my girl was the first to see the size of the thing approaching us. The monster approaching us.

“Holy fucking crap…”

“And then some.”

The slayers had broken touch as soon as they had reacted to Willow’s scream. So quickly falling into fighting posture, Buffy’s defensive, Faith’s aggressive.

“Give me a plan, B?”

“Well… ‘don’t die’ is sounding pretty good again…”

It had sounded good to me too. Had me backing away as fast as I could, bringing Willow with me, restraining her from even thinking about getting involved. If it wanted us, then the best way for us to help, was to stop it from getting us. We made our way to the nearest tree, sought some kind of refuge behind it, peeking out to see the slayers embroiling themselves in a fight that even I wasn’t so sure of the odds on. Big and scary. That was all that I knew.

“Baby, we have to do something…”

“No.” I offered her my firmest look, there was no way that she would be using magic, not even thinking about using magic. “Not an option.”

“But Tara…”

“No!” It came out a little shouted, harsh. Made me struggle to soften my tone. “We have to get home, to get the others… it’s the best way to help.”

She looked back out, the fight happening just meters away from us. “But it’s so big… we can’t just leave them…”

Her speech was interrupted by the arrival of Faith, flying through the air and landing on her ass. Cursing the beast in all manner of ways. Her eyes were on fire, burning only more intensely when she saw us by her side.

“For fucks sake, you’re still here?”

“Faith we’re not leaving, there’s no way…”

“You don’t have the choice.” There wasn’t friendship or understanding in her words, they were spoken firm and direct. An order from the slayer. “Get home, and get the others… me and B will hold it off…” She started moving again to her partners side, all the seconds out of the fight causing her body to strain. “…and bring weapons… BIG fucking weapons!”

“See sweetie? Can we go now?”

She still looked resolute, determined to stay, to not leave her best friend’s side. “I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right…”

Her brow was scrunching as she thought it through, I was hoping that she hurried up. The beast getting closer to our position with every second. “…what if it’s a trap, what if we walk out of here and there’s a bigger badder beast just around the corner… then what?”

“Baby I get that you want to stay… really, but we can’t… look…”

I had pointed her back towards Buffy. The battle raging fierce, seeming as if all that the girls could do was to deflect the blows. Stay upright. Spike was there too… backing towards us as he… as he what? Led it our way?

No. Of course I didn’t think that. I only wish that I had thought that. Instead I had watched as he turned to us. As he spoke to the slayers. “The bloody witches are still there, they’re gonna get killed if they don’t piss off!”

Almost concern in his voice, mocking concern.

It was enough to have Faith’s eyes leave the fight as she sought us out again, her mouth set to open as she went to shout more instructions. Her body falling southwards as she caught the blow she wasn’t looking for.

“Faith!”

I watched as Buffy almost lost it too, her eyes only just fast enough to prevent herself from finding the same fate. Watched as the beast lumbered unencumbered towards our spot.

“We really have to go now…”

My own voice had found firm, was issuing orders. And finally she started to listen, started to back slowly away as her eyes fixed fully on the thing coming straight for her. Her gaze unwavering… it’s gaze unwavering. It was creepy, it was… it was like a connection.

“Willow..?”

Nothing.

“Baby..?”

But she didn’t turn, instead leaving it to Buffy to break the moment. To take advantage of the instant to crash her fist against the thing’s face. To make it howl it’s displeasure.

“Guys serious, please… get out of here…”

She had lost firm, had found pleading. Had turned her eyes to the thing she despised the most and almost begged for help. “Spike, get them home, make sure they get home…”

“Me, take the birds home? Are you off your rocker?”

“Spike…”

“No, I ain’t a sodding babysitting service…”

I didn’t want him coming home with us. I didn’t have the voice to argue. Faith taking the moment to bring herself back into the fight, slicing through the air, to land a kick to the back of it’s head, to make it turn and leave us for a moment. To let Buffy speak again.

“Spike… please?”

It made all of our gazes lock. Spike affecting the gallant pose as he turned slowly towards us. “Oh come on then, best get you home before bedtime.”

Did I notice the smirk? Did I still feel the feeling? Yes. And I ignored it. Let him usher us away with the sound of the fight behind us. Slipping further and further away behind us. Finally just the three of us left to our own thoughts, no idle chatter. Nothing being said until he chose to speak. Until it became apparent.

“It’s a shame I have to do this.”

We didn’t ask. We just looked. Not even sure he was talking to us.

“I always liked you two, out of all of them… less whiney, looking to see the good in a man…”

“What?”

He had stepped so quickly towards us that I hadn’t seen a thing. Had felt her ripped from my hands, had heard her scream. But it couldn’t… I couldn’t…

The image wouldn’t make sense. I saw him at her throat, I saw him drink from her… and it didn’t make sense. He had the chip… he couldn’t even do that…

It paralysed me, the shock, the misunderstanding. And goddess, I didn’t even try and stop him. Didn’t even move as he let her drop with a whimper and turned to me. As his eyes lit with the yellow feral glow and his voice spat forth with demonic excitement.

“I always wanted a taste of the red head… quite a sweetie you got there…”

I know I reacted then. I know my mind went to shoot forth and burn him with the anger his words had produced. But I couldn’t, couldn’t think faster than his fist reached my face. Faster than I felt the bone of my nose crack loudly beneath it.

Nothing faster than the blackness which had engulfed me. Which still engulfs me now.

I don’t know how long I have been here. How long I have been bound by binds my magic can’t break, been blindfolded by something I can’t move to remove. I haven’t spoken or been spoken to. Have just been waiting. All my thoughts focused on the memory of Willow falling, of the whimper that left her lips as she fell. My proof that she was okay. And how I know that I am not okay.

I freeze as I feel something touching my face. The warmth of human contact.

“Tara… I can’t tell you how pleased I am to see you.”

“Wh…who are you?”

My voice sounds so weak, I can’t help it. My stutter there to remind me of all of the times I had ever been weak. So easy to fall back on, the fear so easy to feel.

“Who am I?” His laugh isn’t calming. “Warren… just Warren.”

It rises manically further as he takes the blindfold from me. As he shows me the form of the thing that seeks to take so much from us. Just a boy. Just Warren.

“You… but you’re…”

“Yep! Crazy right?”

My head is nodding my agreement. All sorts of crazy. My eyes adjusting to the light, sweeping around the room. Taking in all the participants to the end of the world. And…

“Andrew..?”

And what? I don’t…

“Ah yes, Andrew.”

He makes his way slowly towards him, making me shiver as he runs his hand softly down over his cheek, almost caressing. It’s kinda… oogey. And confusing.

“What?… Is h…he a prisoner too?”

And I really don’t like the way that he keeps laughing. The obvious unhinged quality to his tone.

“A prisoner..?” I watch as he rips the binds from Andrew’s face, gives him back the power to speak. “Tell Tara how much of a prisoner you are Andrew?”

“I… I…”

“Spit it out, we don’t have all day!”

I watch as Warren wraps his hand tight around the boys hair, pulls firm to direct his focus back to me. “Tell Tara if you’re a prisoner.”

“I…” He screams a little as Warren tugs harder. “No! I’m not a prisoner…”

And I think I slump as much as he does. As I realise what this means. How we had let him into our home, our lives… and all the time he was betraying us. It hurts. It hurts worse than the nose. I really had seen the good in him, it didn’t seem right that he was here. That he was bad.

“Johnathan… release Andrew’s binds.”

I see as the someone else comes into focus. And now I’m even more thrown. Just another boy, maybe more of a boy than the other two… and how is this possible? How can they have done so much damage? They look… well, they just all look like young boyish nerds. Nothing dangerous.

“Yes master.”

I see the small one wave his hands over Andrew’s binds. Recognise the magic being used. The simplicity of the spell.

“Now Andrew, your task…”

And as he drops to the floor I see the woman behind him. Recognise her immediately as the demon from Buffy’s party… the wish demon. “Hallie..?”

She meets my eyes and I know whose side she is on. Steel shining through as she pulls her shoulders tight. The gag stops her from speaking, but I don’t need her words. I’m counting my troops, I have her on side.

“Oh you know Hal?” My words must have broken Warren’s focus, making him turn to me again, making him address me with that heartless tone. “She’s a very good friend of mine… you like the girls too right? Maybe you can have a go?”

I’m biting my lip to prevent my outburst. I can’t do anything now. It’s better to wait. I keep my eyes on him as he touches her skin, as he finds his way through the straggled material that barely covers any modesty. Keep her gaze as she seeks mine again. Offer her all that I can.

“Bloody hell! Can we not leave the bint alone for five flaming minutes..? We’ve still got the little deal of the slayers to work out.”

“Ah right… the slayers.”

He breaks his hold on Hallie, walks past Andrew’s prostrate form on the floor, and approaches the vampire. “Now what was the deal with the slayers again?”

Spike’s snarl speaks as much as I need to know, his words confirming my guesses. “I got you the witch, you get me the slayers…”

“Ah yes… and now I have my witch!… Johnathan, get the charm for Spikey here.”

“Master? The charm..?”

Those crazy eyes burn into him as he asks his bumbled question.

“The ‘charm’ Johnathan… the thing you conjured for Spike, to uh… get the slayers…”

The boy’s fear was obvious as he shook his head. He looks like he knows just about as much to do with the charm thing as I do. It makes Warren push past him, stride across the room and return with a blue velvet box. Opening it up to Spike’s greedy eyes and then placing it in his hands.

“You wear this Spike and the slayers won’t be able to touch you. You have my guarantee…”

I watch as Spike takes it out of the box. Know that my confusion is showing as he fixes it to his shirt. I don’t say anything though. Don’t mention that Xander has that exact same Star Trek replica pin sitting in his bedroom at home… that as far as I know there isn’t any charm involved.

“I look like a sodding poof!”

“You look great Spike, Buffy won’t know what’s hit her…”

“You’re right about that.”

He looks back at me as he turns to leave. Giving me a nod almost of goodbye, as if we are friends. It makes me want to vomit, to scream my disgust at him. But again I restrain myself. Focus instead on Warren. On what he is saying now.

“Sorry ‘bout that Johnathan, I forgot all about the deal…”

“It’s okay master, I deserved it.”

“Good job I remembered the pin! Stupid vampire.”

“But… won’t the slayers kill him?”

He laughs that laugh again. Pats the boy on the head. “That’s the plan Johnathan… he’s served his purpose, I don‘t need him anymore.”

He starts walking slowly back my way. Stopping to assess Andrew, to rise him up from the floor with the strength in his hands. “Come on, shake it off. Anyone would think you’d been hanging there for a week, oh… wait! You HAVE been hanging there for a week!”

And I’m still not finding his humour. Instead holding my breath in the hope that somehow he will forget me. Will stay focused on Andrew.

“Are you ready to prove your worth?”

“I… I am… master.”

No.

I can’t help but sigh. Forgetting to hold my breath as the final proof I needed that Andrew is bad is given to me.

“Excellent, it’s an easy job… I want you to go back in, but better than that… I want you to kill me the slayers!”

“No!”

I can’t stop my voice from demanding it. Making them turn to look at me. Warren with evil eyes, Andrew with empty ones.

“Yes Tara! We have something special for the slayers… a little vial with a little poison. All especially conjured for them by Johnathan. And all we need now is someone close enough to deliver it… someone very special!”

He sounds as if he expects applause. He gets none. I just close my eyes and pray that somehow everything will work out okay. I’m trying so hard to combat the fear. To hold in the shivers. To stay strong and focused. But my goddess… he is just so evil.

It’s of course obvious to me now that it is him who wants the portal to open, him who wants to use Willow to achieve his evil aims. And I really do pray as hard as I can.

“And don’t think about turning traitor Andrew, it really is too late for that.”

My attention goes back to them. Their words. To Warren’s steely gaze which is carrying as much threat as his tone. “If they don’t kill you, I will kill you… this is the only way now. Do as I say and I’ll let you live.”

“I’ll do it…” He stood as tall as I knew him to be. Wiping his arm across his face to remove the snivels and the snot. “…I can do it.”

I want to scream. To beg and to plead. Instead I keep my eyes on him. Make my last appeal a silent one. ‘Don’t do it’, over and over. No volume to get me heard. I watch as the vial is procured in his grasp, as he slides it into the waistband of his pants. As he turns and leaves without even one backwards glance towards me. And that scares me too. Knowing that he is fixed on the mission.

I hang my head with the weight of it all. Catch Hallie’s eyes again in solidarity. I don’t understand her secret smile. The confidence with which she can still hold her shoulders. If Andrew gets to the slayers, if Warren gets to Willow… all of this? Everything is over. I do smile back though, I may not understand, but I will offer whatever comfort I can.

“Well, well, well… just us and the girls Johnathan, what do you suggest we do?”

I swing my gaze to face him as the words drip into my ears. Show the horror of what I think he is suggesting.

“Master..?”

“Just kidding Johnny, we have lots of planning to do!”

And yes my sigh is huge. A huge big old sigh of relief. Which turns quickly into this huge big old sigh of sadness. I know what Warren wants from Willow, but more than that I know how much Willow has to give, the lengths that she thinks it is okay to go to, to keep me safe. A terrifying thought. I remember back to her promises, to her words reaffirming our love… and I just hope, and I pray, that she can be strong. I don’t want to be saved if it means losing Willow. I don’t want anything if it means losing Willow. I close my eyes and do my best to stretch my mind. Knowing my magic is useless but trying anyway. Just trying to warn them. All of them.

The big bad isn’t coming. The big bad is here.

Chapter 25

POV: Faith

I know that it’s fighting, I know that it’s hard… but damn it! It just feels so fucking great! Me at her side, her at mine… kick, punch, duck, swing… watch the thing coming in close again. A shared look, a signal… another punch, ducking the swing… and it’s ALL a fucking rush!

“B, we’re taking this thing down!”

An eye catch, a slight smile. Back to business. Doesn’t matter how long it takes, how long it has taken, cos this creature, this beast? I can see it slowly getting weaker, and I know that there is nothing weak about the way that me and my girl are working. Taking it in turns to take the heat. Her in, me out… keep on pushing it, keep on beating it. I watch as she lays another good one to it’s knee, hear the crack and whoop out my joy.

“I told ya girl, we’re taking it down!”

“You said ‘we’, that was my blow Faith!”

And I gotta give her the eye raise for that one.

“Team work B! Me AND you…”

I break off the banter to take my turn at the helm, swinging my leg high through the air to crash down against the head of the big bad beast thing. At least I think it’s a head. It has eyes in it… not so much of a looker though. Way past ugly. It screams as I connect… I scream as I connect, and still it’s just a joyous fucking occasion.

I stand myself down and watch as it staggers itself back to it’s feet, maybe sensing the finish that’s coming if it doesn’t manage to get up. It won’t stop the finish though, I know that it’s still coming. I send B the hand jive that means a double team, four fists better than two… prepare to give everything that I have got left to end an evening that started so well. My fists feeling each of the splits as they pound against the steely feel of alien skin.

“Faith, go left!”

And I don’t even think it. Left is my place. Moving in time to see her drop to the floor and sweep. Taking the weight from the thing’s knee that she’s already busted. Bringing it down again. Taking it out again. I watch her roll a distance away and I know that it’s my turn to offer more service.

“You think it’s time to finish up?”

I can hear the breathlessness in my voice as I speak, the evidence of how long it has taken us to get this thing under control. So much easier since our attention isn’t split between fighting and watching the witches, worrying about the witches. Easier to just let go when there isn’t anything else to worry about. It’s like sending evil a message… you don’t fuck with the slayers. It really isn’t worth it.

“I’m done if you are?”

And she has NO breathlessness! That same control that she always finds for her voice spreading out across the silence of an otherwise peaceful night.

“I’m done.”

The beast is back to it’s knees, whimpering in place as it tries to bring it’s hefty bulk somewhere close to standing. I think we both know that it isn’t happening. That I’m taking it out. I take aim with every piece of power that I have ever held in me, straight at the ugly fucker’s face, the steel in my boots crashing with maximum impact as I slide my foot true to it’s target. I know I scream again, or grunt, or howl… or something. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that where there was a head, there’s now…

“B..?”

“What the heck..?”

And yeah. What the heck? Again the thing disappears and again I don’t get it. Don’t understand it.

“That did just happen right..?” I let my knees take the weight from my hands, resting just a little bent over… just a little breather, a little recoup. A little ‘what the fuck with the things that keep on disappearing?’. “Cos that’s three times now… and I’m pretty sure I never got that talent listed as a super power… but then…”

I stop as I sense her impending arrival, my eyes travelling up from the empty space on the floor to meet the sight of her feet. Her legs. Her body…

“Maybe you’ve got some hidden talents Faith?”

Her face. The way that she is smiling at me, her teeth clenching onto that tiny piece of lip, silent contemplation, her own eyes travelling up over all that I am. And I catch the sudden change in atmosphere. One crackling intensity exchanged for another. I feel it too.

“Did you wanna help me find them?”

I raise myself back to full height, crack out the tension that sits across my neck, wipe at the mess I’d incurred whilst fighting the disappearing demon thing. And it’s funny how close we stand without even touching, how the distance between us is nothing except that which we let it be. No air, no moonlight. Just anticipation.

I know that her lips are moving, I know that she is saying something. Her eyes are dancing with the kind of mischief I love to make… but I just can’t hear a sound. All that I can do is to look at her, study her. Just in this moment. Her hair a mess of fighting disarray, a scratch reaching from her ear down across her neck… and everything, all of it… I just can’t stop looking. I notice as she stops… as her lips quiet the sounds that I can’t even begin to hear, as her own eyes join me in taking the time to see everything. I let her gaze reach inside of me, let the moan slip from my throat as I finally feel her slip slide against me.

“I want you Faith.”

And I heard that. I felt that.

“You want me?” Just a whisper to soften this moment, to stop me from taking her with all of the urgency that I want to take her with. I reach out my fingers to trace the scratch which dares to mark her skin, moisten my tongue with the need to kiss it better. To lose myself in kissing her better.

“You know that I do.”

Her lips are moist too and now they’re pressing hard against mine. The warmth of her mouth surging heat through each of my limbs, urging me to not hold back, to not play coy anymore. The energy that buzzes around my senses is like nothing else, each of her kisses a signal that in her I have found my true equal. No longer a need to hold back… to hold anything back.

I reach for air in the same instant that she does, not breaking this kiss, but making it less. Giving time to turn my thoughts into words. “Do you want to come…”

And how do I phrase the next? How do I ask a girl back to my place and show her that I really mean it? How do I finally invite her that last step inside? I grab at all of the words that I have ever known, forget everything that could cling me back to a harsh reality, cos I know that it’s there. But if I just forget, if I just ignore it…

“We have to go to mine Faith, we have to check on the girls.”

And I’m duty slapped again.

I cover it with a telling nod, an agreement with the suggestion. “Of course B. Just what I was gonna say…”

The hiss that leaves my mouth as her fingers find the edge of my top, maybe belie my words a little. I don’t care. I focus only on her fingers as they sweep upwards across my skin, as they count the bones in my spine and dance closer together, until she holds me tight in her hands and speaks to me again.

“No you weren’t Faith, I know you weren’t.” Her tone is as teasing as the slight circles she finds for my flesh. “I know what you were going to say.”

“You do, do ya?”

“Uh-huh.”

Touches coursing back down again as she tickles her way to the top of my pants, edging inside to find the top of my panties. And can I cry? Can I weep with the want? Because I want it all so god damn much.

“Buffy..?”

“Hmmmm.” Her tongue trips out to taste her name upon my lips, her smile only growing ever bolder. “You were gonna invite me to yours…”

And what is she? A fucking mind reader now?

I know in my mind that I want her. That I need her. The same way I know that if her fingers dare to slide any lower, I won’t even have the dignity left to find a room, to find anything except the losing of my self in her. I lean back a little to break her game, to try and get a hold on what game it is that we are playing. I get the buzz, I feel the juiced from the fighting… but how juiced? How far is this going? I have to ask, I have to know.

“Would you have come B?”

It comes out a little like pleading, it feels a lot like begging, and it sounds just like a sigh as her hand slides down to find the naked crack of my ass. And I freeze, I don’t know what to do. Do I move closer? Do I urge her on with my words? Do I take a minute to breathe?

“I want to come Faith.” Said so husky, so weighted with a desire that I had only ever dreamt would be directed at me. Making me push just a little, just a transference of weight from back foot, to front foot. Her palm sitting flush against my ass as I move another inch closer.

My hands reach up to find the back of her head without even thinking, grasping with a firmness I would never imagine that I could find with anyone else. Wouldn’t even attempt with anyone else. Crashing her mouth to mine for just a second, just one outlet for the pressure which is building so damn fast and fluid inside of my panties, raging like a fire as her hand caresses harder against my skin. And it’s B that breaks it back now. Her that shows me breathlessness.

“Faith.”

Can I taste my name on her lips too? My own slip of tongue.

“Wait… stop…”

“Mmmm…” I can’t stop. Don’t want to stop. Will not stop…

“OW!”

And she pinched me! She damn well just pinched my bare ass!

“Fuck B!”

And she’s laughing?

“Sorry, I just…” Her face is showing something mocking contrite. Eyes gleaming in a way that still speaks of mischief. I don’t know what to do. Do I break her hand from it’s place and lose the feel of her fingers, or do I just grin my way through the torment of the pinch?

“You didn’t have to be so hard…”

I let her now soft soothing strokes calm me… wait. I let the soothing strokes distract me. There is nothing calm about me.

“Well you wouldn’t stop, and I wanted to ask you something.”

And I can’t stop myself from leaning in again as her hands slide the length of my ass, pressed tightly inside of my pants. Not close to home, but close enough to make me feel it. Fighting hard to stop myself finding a tighter position, from forcing her to feel it too. To feel me… fill me.

Words. Words will help. “What did you… uh…” I can’t help the sigh, the little intake of breath. “… what did you wanna ask me?”

Her hands slide out from their lazy ministrations to find their way again across the skin of my back. Nestling me in close and speaking quietly into my shoulder.

“Tonight, after we check the witches… see to Dawn, check in with Giles… after all of that stuff?”

“Yeah?”

“Will you stay with me Faith?”

“You want me to stay?”

She brings her face away from my jacket to look me in the eye, and this smile that I have is all for her. Everything I have is all for her.

“I want it more than anything.”

Can eyes shine without tears? Can they sparkle just from happiness? Because her eyes are sparkling and shining, and I want nothing more than to keep them that way. I let my lips give her my ‘yes’, in kisses which aren’t demanding, I haven’t anything left to demand from her. This is all that I want too.

I seek to confirm it to her with my words. “I would love to stay.”

“Well that’s a relief!”

I push back as her giggles reach my ears. As her body quivers just that tiny bit against mine. “Are you okay there B?”

“Uh-huh… just, well… I had these visions.”

“No shit? Like Cordy?”

And now I’m giggling too, and fuck knows why!

“No ya silly dope”

I’m a dope now?

“You what?”

“I had these visions of you saying ‘no’…”

Yeah. I am so NOT the dope here.

“…I thought I might have to use force. I was gonna have rope, there was a full list of restraints, diagrams…”

Do I let her just carry on?

“…possible chains, something to combat the slayer strength…”

“I’m staying okay? There’s no bondage necessary.”

I lift my finger to her lips to quiet her words. Let the sweetness of her nervousness touch somewhere deep inside of me. It’s that innocence again, the thing that I had thought that neither of us could still posses. An innocence mocked by her tongue as it slides from her mouth to flick at my finger, mocked by her eyes as she shows me that we are big girls now. That there’s an end to all of our games.

“Not even a little bit of bondage Faith?”

Or maybe there’s a start to our games?

I pull my finger from the sudden vice grip of her teeth as she seduces me again within the instant. I could banter, I could play it hard, infact there’s a thousand different ways in which I could answer her. But I settle for no games. Settle for knowing that the look in her eyes signals exactly the same.

“Just take me home B.”

She brings her hands down to find mine, a touch that I had grown so used to over the last of these days, a touch that I didn’t want to let go of. A gentle tugging to point me in the right direction.

“So I guess we should get going then?”

“Ain’t no guessing involved.”

And we walked. And we talked. And none of it was anything to do with any of the things that make the night time go bump. Sure they were there, resting on the periphery of our gazes, eyes always flicking to keep up that constant guard, but they weren’t touching us. We talked instead about the kind of things which bring you closer together without you even realising it, things which can only ever matter if that other person gives a shit. Nothing to everyone except to that someone special. I learnt how many washes it takes to get the smell of the Double Meat out of her hair. The futility of the hours she had spent trying to find a job and ending up with this something that she hates with a passion. She told me how she wanted nothing more than to go back to college, how death had stolen that time from her too.

And what did I have to say? I had words which brought us back around to the things which we had continued to leave unmentioned, all because it wasn’t time to save ourselves yet. Or some other crap. It wasn’t like I meant to, I was just being honest with her. She asked me about my training with Angel, and I told it like it was.

“Yeah, he’s cool to work with, he’s got that centred thing going on…”

“I remember the centred.”

“Right.” Of course she did. It didn’t upset me. I loved him too. Different but the same. “Well that’s kinda it, we work on my calm, and we work on my speed.”

“I noticed that… not the calm, although I get the calm, but the speed…” Her eyes had a curious quality and I knew that I would speak the truth when she asked. “…you put me on my backside easy enough, and with the beasts…”

“You wanna know why right?”

I felt the quick flash of pain, a flash of a memory registering for me, and I knew that it must be registering for her too. I could see it in her eyes. It’s all about the hurt sometimes, and these were times which had more than hurt. I took her silent sombre nod as my road to continue.

“After I got out I went to Angel, and well… I guess I was pretty much screwed. I knew how bad I had fucked everything B. I knew I wasn’t looking to ever get a chance to make that right…” I blew the sigh from my lips out into the night. “…I just wanted to make sure that I never fucked up like that again.”

“So you made yourself faster.”

“It’s all that I could think of. I relived that night so many times, you know? That instant, that second, your voice… my stake. I swear, I’ve seen it over and over again… my mistake, my fuck up.”

I didn’t want it to still hurt the same, but speaking it out loud, and speaking it to her..? It had every block I had carefully crafted crumbling right before her. Not wiping at the feeling in my eyes, because it was so right to show it to her, letting her see what it did to me. I had lied to her before. I said that I didn’t care, and I had almost fooled myself as well. I was never truly a monster though… inside I had always cared.

“Mistakes happen Faith. It’s what Giles said.”

“They didn’t happen to you though, did they B? It wasn’t you who slammed a slice of wood straight through a live guys heart.”

“Only because it was me that tossed him to you. I know that… I always knew that. Well, once the self righteous denial was over I knew that…”

Her smile wasn’t one that belittled what we had done, it was a smile that made me hear the ‘we’, in a place that I had only ever seen the ‘me’.

“…I’ve replayed that night a lot too. It was all that I could do at first.”

“Right.”

“I’m not as fast as you are now Faith, I’ve never been as fast as you are now, not even then… if it was the other way around, could I have stopped?”

I didn‘t answer. I didn’t know. We didn‘t know. “I just wanna be prepared. I don’t want to ever let that happen again.”

She couldn’t offer me reassurances that it wouldn’t. Of course she couldn’t. Not unless she really does start getting Cordy style visions, but then I know how Cordy got hers, and if I ever caught her slipping B the tongue..? Not pretty. Or maybe it would be very pretty…

Either way, I didn’t look for assurances to a future that we couldn’t see. I just accepted her hand in mine and lived in the now. Her words that spoke of facing things alone, of never wanting to face things alone again. Me or her. And I agreed. So obvious the sense that can be made when you’re no longer afraid to speak the truth. Of course I wondered just a little, wondered if we had been older and wiser then, if I had spoken my truth and she had shown me hers… would it have all ended differently? Would we have hurt each other so much?

But it wasn’t about that anymore. It gets harder to regret those times when these times are looking so much towards the up. So instead I accepted her words and sealed them with my own. Had found her hand again and walked our way home. Every single step taken, accompanied by words to bring me ever closer to her.

And it made it so sad when it had all come to an end.

In the way that evil permeates everything it touches, we could feel it bursting through the very fibres of the house. Something off kilter, something out of balance. Making our steps fall faster as we sought to find an answer to the feeling. Giles being the one to open the door with a look that said he had been waiting.

“Giles… what is it?”

“Buffy come in, there’s been… well, quite frankly we don’t really know what’s happened.”

“What do you mean you don’t know, don’t know what?”

Her voice was determined, lack of answers would not be permitted.

“It’s Willow, she’s been hurt.”

“What?” I stepped up to him with a need to urge him on. No clarity yet, just confusion.

“Xander found her, he and Anya were on their way over and they found her at the roadside…”

I exchanged looks with B, she got it about as much as I did. Not at all.

“What about Tara? Where’s Tara?”

“I had rather hoped that she was with you, Willow hasn’t come round yet, there’s a fair bit of blood loss. We haven’t a clue what happened.”

It was the cue for Xander to come bowling his way down the stairs. The dust obvious in his eyes as he took us both in. “I thought you were watching her, I thought you were watching them?”

“There was a fight…”

“Oh yeah, I just bet there was, and what was it Buff, your gooey eyes versus hers?”

“Back up there Xan, I don’t know what the fuck’s going on here, but you haven’t got any right to take a swipe at us.”

“What happened girls?”

Giles was trying to inject some order back into the moment. His voice not recriminating, just searching for the facts. Watcher tone in place as he sought the pieces to fit in the puzzle. I was with him. I wanted answers too.

“We were coming home after work, Spike showed up to warn us about another beast… then it came, it was after the witches, after Willow I think…”

Her voice trailed off so I picked it up. I knew where her head was going. In synch with mine. My fingers starting to itch as my senses buzzed with the truth.

“We sent them off with Spike, we told him to get them home. To protect them.”

“You what!? You sent them with Spike? Are you crazy!?”

And I had felt like asking the same. In the instant it had made sense… his words. He didn’t want to bring them… he wasn’t a ‘sodding baby sitter’. No. It seemed as though he was so much more. I appealed to Xander again.

“Calm it okay, there isn’t nothing getting done if you’re gonna stand there screaming.”

“What’s wrong with Will?”

“Seems like your ‘boyfriend’ helped himself to a little taster Buff, maybe now you’ve cut him off he fancied something different…”

And I didn’t mean to be on him. I really was calmer, but this wasn’t happening. I only found the front of his shirt, let the growl from my throat let him know I meant business. “Back the fuck off.”

“Faith, no.”

Her hand had settled against my back as my eyes were drilling deep into his. Pulling me away from the moment of anger. For him, for us. Mostly for Spike.

“But how could Spike have done this, I don’t understand…”

“Me neither B, maybe his chip got defuncted, doesn’t really matter.”

I turned to Giles, the only one who was speaking sense. “Is Red gonna be okay?”

“Yes Faith, it looks bad now, but it’s nothing that won’t pass, we’re just waiting for her to come round. Dawn and Anya are with her, they’ve bandaged her up.”

“Right, well that’s us then.”

“Sorry?”

“We’re out of here watcher, slayers got a job to do.”

I know my voice sounded like steel, it was meant to. If that thing had Tara… I know that he had Tara… I was getting her back. Me and B. The chance to do something that should have been done ages ago. I tried to slide a wink Xander’s way, tried to show him that it would be okay, that I was a little sorry, was feeling a little of the guilt. I could see that the dust in his eyes was blocking his view though, because all that he did was to turn his back on us and trudge back up the stairs. Back up to the girl who we were supposed to have been guarding.

“B, you ready to motor?”

“Wait Faith.”

I had wanted to scream my ‘no’. No more waiting. She wouldn’t hold me back from him again, this was it this time. The only pass that fucker had left was the one which would take him straight to hell. I didn’t know the whats or the whys, and I didn’t much care either. He would get a chance to explain in the second before I ended him, that was all that mattered. Ending him.

“No waiting Buffy, this is it. I’ll go alone if I have to.”

Her eyes had flashed an almost warning to me. An odd expression, one I couldn’t read all of the way through. “I’ll be down in a minute. Wait here.”

I didn’t speak and she didn’t speak again, just turned on her tail and took the stairs. Maybe she had to see Red first, I was just itching to go. Not looking at Giles, not looking at anything except the stake which swirled with confidence in my grasp. A truth that I knew for sure. Occupying me until she returned with a change of jacket, her face now set in a way which didn’t offer me anything other than the face of the slayer. It was okay with me, it was the face that I wanted to see.

I had followed her lead as she took us to the cemetery, questioning just once the idea that he would be stupid enough to be sat in his crypt and waiting for us.

“If he is stupid enough to have hurt Will, to have taken Tara, then he’s stupid enough to be there.”

Not much of a conversation, but it was all that there was. Everything else pushed aside until we came to be standing outside of his crypt. A familiar place now, a place which had haunted me almost since my return. I held back just the second to follow her lead, accepting that there was more here for her than just this latest outrage. Maybe a part of me, that insecure part of me, trying to read what she would do, whether she would let me bring an end to it.

I don’t know what I expected to see when we crashed our way through the door, her foot connecting hard again to send it slamming from it’s hinges, but I know I didn’t expect to see him standing there posturing, looking as if he had expected us and welcomed us. His arms held wide as he took in our advancing forms.

“Slayers, what a nice surprise.”

“Where is she Spike?”

“She? Ain’t no she here love, you’ve got yourself the wrong address.”

He was sneering at her as if he held all of the cards, as if he had something which we didn’t, yet other than Tara, he had nothing. He was nothing.

“Don’t fuck about dead boy, where’s Tara.”

I know I was snarling my own, I know that the dark place in me was all about coming out to play. But it didn’t matter now, I welcomed it, this was coming out in the right way. This was destroying evil, this was what I was here for.

“You’re gonna regret talking to me like that, thinking that you can talk down to me…”

“Just tell me where she is Spike.”

I watched as Buffy strode closer and I let her have her moment, I would take mine in a second. I was so curious to see and to hear. Wondered how she would react as his eyes slid that familiar path over the slight tight curves of her body. As his lips twisted up in a smile that promised so much more of the bad stuff to her. Making me offer my own silent promises to him.

“It doesn’t matter where she is, it’s too late for her, too late for you…”

He turned his back and walked further into the crypt. Almost dismissing us with a manner which made me wonder at whether we should be a little nervous, if we should worry about his posturing being something more than what we thought. We had been caught out once tonight, I didn’t want to be caught out again. I followed his lead slowly and made my way further inside, sneered at the pathetic self imaging I witnessed within him, the ego which made him wander around the room like an extra on a porn set. Shirt undone, pants loosely buckled.

“So how did ya do it Spikey, how did ya get the chip out?”

“Only thing you should be worried about, is how long it’s gonna take me to drain you dry.”

I was straining on a breaking leash, everything within me calling out for me to destroy him. He made me sick, everything about him, everything he stood for. The only factor stopping me from making this second his last, was the knowledge that this was about Tara. We had to know where she was. I thought of responding, of letting him know that he would never have the chance to put his mouth anywhere near me. To drain me anything, let alone dry. But I didn’t get the chance. In the time that it took me to form a solid comeback, she was at him. A solid slayer slap across his face, a resounding crack echoing through his dark and dank chamber.

“No Spike.” I saw her pull her dainty shoulders even further up, pulling at her strength. Taking the charge. “You don’t get to touch her. Now where is she, where the hell is Tara?”

“Funny you should mention ‘hell’, love. I hear the witch is getting a room with a view.”

Her fist hit him this time, smashing with force to his face. No room for open handed, when his mouth just wouldn’t co-operate. Sending him down to the floor, his expression showing not only wounded, but something else. Surprise? Shock? I don’t know…

“You hurt me…”

He was pulling himself back to standing, fingering a fucking brooch on his shirt as if it held the clues and the answers to the universe. It looked cheap and tacky to me. Nothing like my universe.

“Yes Spike, and I’m gonna hurt you again if you don’t tell me where she is.”

“I don’t…”

And she hit him again. Not waiting to hear his answer, instead slicing through the air to send him reeling back to the floor. It was enough to make him break out his game face, to have his fangs snarling at her as she took a solid stance in front of him. Enough to have me approaching her side to see if she needed the hand. A part of me hoped so. I wanted to hurt him too.

“You think that you can stop this slayer? You think that you and your slutty psycho side kick have any chance of stopping this?”

And that was my call. Not to end him, not yet, but to hurt him. My knee cracking his face as he wallowed before me on the floor. My boots forcing their way into his side as he tried to regain some ground. “Where the fuck is Tara?”

He grinned some fucked up thing at me and flipped his way back to standing. On his feet in front of us without any intent to answer. Maybe now accepting that a fight was what was coming.

“I thought this dance was gonna be easy, but I can do hard…”

His fist swung backhanded at Buffy, catching her slightly as my own thrust faster at him, between the ribs where a heart didn’t beat, breaking us out into full on war. And for a vamp he was good, his fighting like that of a street fighter, dirty tricks apparent within each of his moves. Nothing effective against us though, not at first. We were fucking slayers, did he really think that he stood a chance?

We danced our way around the whole damn crypt trading punches with punches, kicks with kicks, constantly gaining ground, working him closer to a bloody pulp with indistinguishable features. But still no end. Demanding answers every time we strode in close, his lips releasing nothing but filth and curses aimed at both of us evenly. And I never truly expected that he would be able to land one on me. Never saw the moment as his fist crashed down against the side of my cheek, blood busting out to stain my eyes, distort my vision. I wiped at them furiously, felt the rage growing stronger inside of my soul, my guts churning with a need to kill, to destroy.

“Faith..?”

Fuck that. I didn’t want to hear concern for me. I wanted to hear the slayer in her finish him for me. I caught her form through my bloodied gaze, saw as her attention went from him to me, as his hand reached out and latched onto the hair on her head and swung her around to face him. Backing her up against the solid stone wall, pushing the coldness of his dead body flush along the length of hers.

I waited for her to push him off, waited for her strength to mock that what he thought he could take. But it didn’t happen. I saw instead as she froze. The fear which laced straight through her eyes as he ground himself against her.

“Have you missed me slayer?”

His mouth encroaching on the distance to hers, as his hand slid up the side of her taut and tense body. And I got it. I saw the fucking power that he had held over her, like the bully in the playground, the abuser in the bedroom. Making her play the part of a true fucking victim. Yeah. It was fucked up, and I had seen it all. I didn’t care a fuck about bloodied gazes then, or even very much about the missing witches. This was more than that. This was every single fucker that had ever taken advantage of me, this was someone standing in front of the girl that I loved and trying to make her less. And it did spell his end.

I know the howl that I found as I launched myself at him was nothing less than primal, than survival. Ripping his body from her and tossing him across the crypt, not stopping to see that she was okay, I had forever for her, this instant was just for him. I squared up solidly, clearing my head of rage and concentrating only on his movements. Not registering the sick twisted smile that he tried to infect me with, the words which he attempted to poison me with.

“You got a little taste of the jealousy there slayer? You want me to tell you how much she liked it, how much she begged for me to hurt her… to take her harder, deeper… you want me to show you how your precious bloody Buffy likes it?”

I didn’t let it touch me. He was nothing, everything that he said was nothing.

We circled each other slowly, me knowing the outcome, him confident of his own. A first flurry of fists proving that I had the upper hand. More strength, more power, and more speed. I took each of his ribs out with focused precise movements, made his face resemble nothing more than a fucked up bloody mess. A rotting piece of road kill.

“You wanna apologise Spikey, I’ll give you the chance if you want one?”

I was taunting him with my obvious advantage. Punching him at will, trying to remember how many bones there were to break within the human body. A dead human body. I didn’t look for Buffy, I had seen the hold that he could exert over her and I took the decision to leave her out of it. I could take care of this solo. I was sure of it.

My hands were destroying him further with each second passed, until it became almost just routine. His arms breaking, his legs breaking, till finally it was just him laid flat against the coldness of stone with my knee pressed firm against his throat.

“Any last words?”

I was in the zone. The killing zone. My body demanding I give release to the buzz I had cultivated with every blow. The slayer within me demanding the final taking out of it’s prey. I was so in the zone that I flinched at her fingertips, turned without thinking and let out a warning growl.

“Faith?”

It shook my senses, the sound of my name on her lips. Lips which bled slightly from the vigour of his forced kisses. Her eyes haunted and exhausted as she looked down on the thing beneath me. I edged slowly up, not knowing why, but just knowing that I had to. Maybe to give her the moment to make her last goodbyes. His voice almost shattered my resolve. My strength.

“Buffy..?”

And I don’t even know if he could focus on her, if his eyes which looked like slits in his pulverised face had any vision left in them. I didn’t care. I only cared that his own bleeding lips were finding that smile again, the sounds of bullshit thick in his voice as he tried to fool her again with the lie that he was something other than a monster.

I couldn’t believe it as her fingers slowly reached down to caress his face, as they traced his injuries with an almost silent reverence. Couldn’t believe it and couldn’t understand it. I lowered my head and let the exhaustion I had found in beating him so severely pull me to rest against a wall. I was done. If this wasn’t his end then it was surely mine. I was spent. My insides felt wasted.

“Buffy…”

He spoke her name again. Tried to roll onto his side, but instead just winced as the blood flowed free from his cuts and his bruises. Not one of them deep enough.

“Spike, where is she. Where’s Tara?”

“It’s… it’s…too late.”

I didn’t breath, didn’t move. Just stood my distance and let the wall support me. Listened to the softness in her tone. The peacefulness of her words.

“What did you do with her?”

“I…uh…” He winced again, and she touched him again. Softly soothing him with whispers, and gestures. Encouraging him to speak again.

“…to Warren… for the chip…”

She nodded her head at him, and I just wondered who the fuck was Warren.

“Where is she?”

“Give me a bit to rest up love, and I’ll take you there myself…”

I wanted to scream. I seriously contemplated it. I’d never heard such bullshit my whole entire life, nothing that even I had spoken coming close to the levels of absolute crap he was finding to spill from his mouth. I should have ripped his throat out whilst I had had the chance. As it was, I stood there fantasising about his vocal chords laying slashed on the floor as she continued to touch him. Continued to placate him.

I know that if it had gone on any longer, I would have taken myself away. I couldn’t speak, I didn’t know what words would have made sense when everything around me had made none. I just stood there trapped in silence, watching the fucked up display that took place in front of me. Barely noticing as her hand slid inside of her jacket. As her fingers stopped caressing him and her body drew steadily back. I witnessed as the confusion flashed through Spike’s battered eyes though, getting what was happening the moment before I did. His words making a final rasp into the silence of the night.

“It won’t matter… none of this will matter, slayer.”

I watched as her arm drew back from within her jacket, admired the solid wood which sat with such familiarity within her grasp. I didn’t whoop and holler as I would have done if the wood was mine, if the blow had been mine to inflict. Instead I gave the moment the silence and respect that it deserved. Knew how very much more this had to mean to Buffy than it could ever mean to me. Her stake resting hard against his chest and nothing that he could do but to lay there and await his fate.

“It matters to me Spike. This matters to me.”

She sounded so childlike then, not like the slayer, the girl who could save the world, but ‘just’ a girl. The proof of how much it meant to her, being shown as she pushed all of her weight down upon the stake. And I swear that I heard it tear through his skin, heard it crack his sternum as it made it’s way through his busted ribs. Heard as his body in that moment turned to nothing more than dust. Like a soft whoosh, a barely there crackling. I’d never heard it so clearly before, never appreciated the beauty of the sound. What it represented. The end.

I had stayed frozen on spot. I didn’t know what to do. Just watched as she sat surrounded by the final reminder of him, staring deeply at the space which now lay open in front of her. I could see her lips silently moving again, not having a clue as to what she would be saying. What words she had to offer to the emptiness that she now touched. The stake still firm in her grasp, pushing tight against the floor. And I knew that I had to step up. Had to remind her that it wasn’t over. This had just been the beginning.

“Buffy?”

I pushed off from the wall when she didn’t answer. Made my battle weary limbs carry me the small distance to her place on the floor. “B..?”

“I did it.”

Her eyes had swung slowly to meet mine, glistening no more with happiness, but real tears. I put my hand out towards her and offered someone silent thanks as I felt the warmth of her touch slide against me.

“Are you okay?”

“I did it.”

She was standing then, her hand still in mine, eyes going back to looking at the space she had made on the floor.

“Yeah, you did it B. Great job.”

I didn’t know what else to say. I’m not always so good at the tender touching moments. Knowing how to speak softly, which words to whisper.

“Yes.” She turned to face me and I knew it didn’t matter what I said. That whatever I said would be okay. Her words beat me to it though, words I hadn‘t understood then.

“Thank you.”

“You what?”

“I couldn’t… without you, all of this… I couldn’t…”

“No way B, you did this. You found your power.”

And I really did get it then. It wasn’t about ending Spike, not like for me… it was about taking her power back. Regaining what he had tried to steal away. She was shaking her head even as my words were leaving my mouth, her hand which was holding the stake coming to rise up between us.

“No Faith. I mean it… I couldn’t have done this without you.”

She was holding the wood out to face me. Offering me her stake? I didn’t know. I took it though, felt the familiarity as it nestled firm in my own grasp. My fingers wrapping hungrily around it. And then I looked down and understood the meaning of the moment. Saw the engravings I had made with my own hand, my own knife. The gift I had offered her when I had nothing else to give.

“My stake?”

“Yes. Yours.”

“But… why? I thought you’d just toss it. Figured you had a thousand just like it.”

“Are you kidding me Faith? I think I knew that I was saving it for this… that it would come to this one day, and I knew that if I had you in my hands then I could do it.” Her eyes were shining for me again, a smile finding a way onto her face in this underground dungeon of death. “I may have found the power Faith, but you showed me the way, you gave me the strength.”

And what does a girl say to that?

This one didn’t say anything. I softly brought her round into my hold and rested my head gently against hers. Just breathed that same space of air as she did, just for a moment, a moment for us, for her. Pretended that our seconds weren’t always dictated by this duty that we were bound to fulfil. I knew I couldn’t let my mouth find hers, it wasn’t the time for that, instead letting my lips just graze across the hair upon her head. Letting my nose rub against hers in an act of innocence that would never boil over into all of the other feelings that I felt towards her.

“We had better get back. I need to see Wills, we have to get a plan…”

“Sure thing B.” I broke my hold on her body and instead let my hand find place with her hand. Gave all that I could with just one touch. Turning slowly to the door which no longer had an owner, one more crypt emptied of the undead.

“And what’s the deal with this ‘Warren’? Do you know a Warren..?”

“Yeah, we know Warren.”

I listened silently as she filled me in on the background of a boy who could never seriously hope to rule the world. He sounded like a geek, a perverted little prick of a geek… but just a geek all the same. Not someone that could rule the world. Not evil enough to be behind everything that was happening. I said as much to Buffy. Questioned the words which had come from the mouth of the dying vampire.

“I believe that it’s the truth. Whatever we know about Spike, how twisted he was… somewhere in that twisted mind Faith, somewhere he believed that he had feelings, that he…”

She couldn’t bring herself to say it, I didn’t want to hear it, and I wouldn’t make her say it.

“So that’s why with the softly, softly then? You knew he would talk?”

“Uh-huh, I guessed he would… I had to try, I didn’t want to touch him Faith, but I had to try.”

I nodded my understanding, wondered privately at how hard it must have been for her to touch him.

“So we have to find ourselves this Warren then, right?”

“Right…” She sounded a little hesitant, like her mind was going places I had yet to begin to reach.

“What is it B?”

“I don’t know, I’m just worried… if we don’t find him and Tara before Wills is back up and running… I’m sure we can take on Warren, but Willow?”

I looked at her like she was joking, remembered just a little the sight of the black eyes that Red had found for the beast the time before. It still didn‘t seem possible though. Not Willow. I couldn‘t believe that Red would ever truly side with evil, not even if she thought that it would save Tara. “You really think that that would happen? You think that Red would go against us..?”

“If she wakes up and Tara is still gone, then yeah… maybe?” Her hand had gripped a little firmer onto mine as her words found a tone close to grave. “If that happens Faith, then I’m not sure that either of us could stop her.”

It was a chilling thought. We knew that this person, wait… this Warren wanted Tara to control Willow. And now we knew that he had the Tara he needed. We had to stop him from getting the rest. I know that I sighed then. My mind so sick of finding the worry.

“You ever get sick of this gig B? This saving the world shit?”

“A long time ago. You?”

“Yeah. Totally.”

I knew that I would never stop though, knew that she would never stop either. As we rounded the corner into her street we started to talk nothing but plans. I would ring my own little gang in LA, would hurry them along, tell them how harsh the situation had now become. We couldn’t possibly wait any longer. We needed everything they had, and we needed it now. In truth we needed it yesterday. Buffy made plans to hunt down Warren. She wasn’t all ‘Red like’ with the computer, but she said that Dawn was bit of a ‘net-head’. Able to understand a lot of what Willow could do with the shiny orange lap top in the kitchen. It was a start. It was something to do whilst we hoped against hope that Willow’s injuries were just enough to keep her out of the game a little while longer. Long enough to let us rescue Tara and save the world before she could ever begin to think about destroying it.

As we had hit the steps to the porch I couldn’t help but let my mind wander back to just a few hours earlier. The question of whether I would stay here with Buffy. To be with Buffy. I knew that there wasn’t any other option now, circumstances forcing the issue for all of the wrong reasons. Not for the love, but that same old shit called duty.

I was just bringing myself to mention it. To banter a way back to maybe a joke. A comment about how I knew she would do anything to get me to stay over. But the joke died on my lips as the bushes to the side of us rustled with the sounds of an intruder. Had me spinning my head as fast as hers to witness the sight of our lost ‘boy wonder’, pulling himself up from the shrubbery. He looked like crap. Smelt like it too.

“Andrew?”

“Uh… Buffy…”

His eyes wouldn’t meet mine, had never really met mine. Always making me a little wary of his presence, his need to in listen at doors, and to sneak around houses. I never really trusted him. Still didn’t now.

“What are you doing here? Where have you been..? And why with my bushes?”

He looked like he was going to cry, his face crumbling as she asked her questions.

“I… I… it’s… it’s Tara.”

And I knew right then. I knew I was right to never trust him. His shifty little eyes spanning the ground as he dropped his gaze on her name. I didn’t give B the chance to ask more, didn’t give him the chance to move. My arm was around his throat and yanking him up off of the floor before he knew it. My boots pounding hard against the door to gain an entry.

“Faith… who on earth is that?”

Giles had opened the door, and I remembered that he hadn’t met this little asshole yet. But I didn’t have time for introductions then, I wanted every piece of information that the little goon knew, and I wasn’t averse to using pain to get it. I heard the door click behind me. Heard Buffy come take my side. I threw him down onto the sofa and set about looking scary. I had a whole lot of questions and not a lot of time to get answers. He was trembling and I was going to take advantage of that.

“Buffy..?!”

It broke the moment and made me turn towards Dawn, her excited voice crashing down the stairs much faster than her feet. She didn’t stop to register Andrew, the sight of our limbs all bloody from the two epic fights of the evening. All that she did was to rush to her sister with teenage hope and glee. Not understanding the grown up consequences. Maybe ignoring them in favour of a smile. And I knew that I just couldn’t blame her. That I would encourage her to find the smiles whilst she still could.

“What is it Dawn?”

“It’s Willow… she’s waking up!”

I felt my stomach drop. Watched as B held onto her sister, her face not finding the smile to match. Her eyes had slid up to meet mine, the dread I was feeling reflected straight back at me.

“That’s great Dawn, really…” She untangled her limbs and looked at the boy I had cornered on the sofa. “…Faith, you do what you have to do. I’ll be upstairs with Wills.”

I watched her turn and make her way. Waited until Dawn had left to go with her. Set the same look of scary back onto my face.

“Faith?”

“Giles... I wanna introduce you to Andrew, seems he’s got some things that he wants to share with us…”

He caught my look and decided not to interfere. Stood silently by as I approached the quivering form on the sofa. He had better be ready to speak, because I was more than ready to listen. And if I wasn’t listening, then I was going to be inflicting a whole lot of pain. Too much rested now upon his answers, and I knew that I wouldn’t be playing it coy.

“So where should we begin you snivelling little shit?”

“Wait… please, can I just get some water…”

His tearful gaze met mine and I resented my moment of softness. I couldn’t help it though. Maybe recognising something in his eyes.

“Giles, get him a glass of water.”

“Right.”

He looked almost pleased to be leaving the room, maybe the scary look on my face scaring him too. I softened my tone, relaxed my eyes.

“Get me one too yeah? I’m thirsty as fuck.”

I winked to accompany the words which I had never learnt to soften, pleased to see him smiling in response.

“Of course Faith.”

It wasn’t a bad option, I was a little parched, a little bit fucking exhausted. Refreshment was good. A little drink to ease the feeling. I would’ve preferred something with a kick in it, but this would do for now.

I stared across at Andrew as I sat down opposite him in the armchair. I had so many things that I wanted answers to, so many questions that he would have to face. I knew that every second counted. For Tara. For Willow. Probably for the world. I watched as he sat and nervously fingered the waistband to his pants, perhaps a nervous twitch that indicated his fear. I hoped that it would work in my favour, would have him spilling the facts on all that we needed to know.

I took slow measured breaths as Giles’s calm form returned to the room, placing the glasses down between us on the table. I was ready to begin. I only hoped that he was ready to cooperate. For all of our sakes.

Chapter 26

POV Buffy

I hadn’t wanted to climb the stairs, so afraid of being the one that would have to tell Willow everything that had happened, all of the things that had gone wrong. It was difficult not to feel immersed in the guilt, to feel the responsibility for ever letting the two of them go with Spike. It just seemed… I don’t know, in that moment it had seemed like the only thing to do. To get them away from the beast, never realizing that Spike was an even bigger beast. The threat that he posed. That we were being fooled right from the start.

The responsibility is mine to bear for so much more than that as well, I totally understand that. I accept that. If it wasn’t for me… if it wasn’t for the things that I have done, then I am certain that this wouldn’t have happened. If I had never let Spike touch me, then maybe this wouldn’t have played out quite like this. But I guess we’ll never know for sure, I still haven‘t swapped my slayer sight for hindsight, and Spike is gone now. I don’t know how to feel about that. A lot of me wants to feel the jubilation, the absolute relief that comes with knowing that I had finally been strong enough to finish that which I had never meant to start. To wipe his touches from my body by turning him to nothing more than dust. But how could I even think of jubilation and relief when there was still so much left at stake? I couldn’t. So I adopted sombre as I had climbed the stairs, letting Dawn pull excitedly at my hand as she led me the way to our waking witch. Me not willing to sca re my baby sister with the severity of all of the things which could still come to pass. Not answering questions about Tara, just concentrating on Willow.

Xander and Anya had been at her side by the bed, their hands soothing strokes across her head as she came back to us, her eyes dazed and confused as she looked slowly around the room. I avoided her gaze, I wouldn’t meet her eyes for that first moment, because I wasn’t yet ready to speak about everything that we knew. So I caught the other’s eyes instead. Saw their questions, heard their words.

“Buff?”

“Not now Xander, okay?”

“Did you… is she?”

“I said not now.” I tried to keep my voice full of the strength which so often puts me in charge of the situation, and sought to dismiss them from the room. I wanted to do this alone, I believed, or maybe I hoped, that if it was just me and her, then I would have a better chance at controlling her reactions. I should have known that nothing would make a difference, that eventually nothing would stop her from reacting in the worst possible way. In the expected way.

“Buffy..?”

“Hey Wills, it’s me.”

I had sought a place next to her on the bed, my eyes drawn to the bandage which marked her fragile neck, covering the place where Spike had taken her blood, solid proof of what I had let happen. I wanted so much to make it better, to rewind the time and to find a new strategy. To do anything other than offering my best friends up to an un-neutered vampire. It was too late for that though, the bandage was already there, and there was where it would stay.

“How are you doing?”

“I… I don’t…” She was looking about confused, her hand finally darting up to the wound at her neck, her eyes spreading their widest as she grasped onto the reality that we could never escape. “…Tara… where’s Tara?”

“Will…”

“Where’s Tara?”

I could see the emotions fighting for dominance on her face as she relived whatever had happened with Spike. As she realised that Tara wasn’t here. That Tara was gone. There was the horror, and the pain, the anger… and finally something like control. Something which allowed her to tell me what had happened when I had asked. Explaining how she hadn’t known it was coming, how they had had no time to react. One minute they were walking and the next minute she was falling to the ground, the sounds of the blood rushing from her veins the last thing that she had heard. I had reached out for her hand and tried to squeeze it better. Had tried to compose my voice to answer her questions as she asked what was going to happen, as she spoke about how we had to go to Spike, we had to get Tara back. We had to stop him from hurting her. I knew that my downcast eyes were betraying the answers already, but I just couldn’t meet her gaze, I couldn’t bring myself to see how telling her the tr uth would destroy her. Could destroy all of us.

“We went to Spike’s…”

“So where is she..?”

“We’re going to get her back, we just need to plan…”

“Where is she Buffy?”

I knew that she wouldn’t stop asking, but what was there to tell her? ‘Oh Warren has your girlfriend, and he’s waiting for you to go and open the big evil leech infested portal before he gives her back?’ To me it had sounded like the wrong words, so I had searched instead for different ones, for any ones except for those.

“She’s okay Willow, just relax… me and Faith are going to get her back.”

She had risen from the bed as I had continued to deflect any straight answers. Eventually not asking anything, just walking around me and getting herself dressed. I had tried to appeal to her that she needed to rest, that she wasn’t in any state to be up from bed, let alone taking part in a forthcoming rescue. But her eyes had just looked at me dead, the colour not draining from them, not yet, but the shine which had always been so apparent was so obviously now dulled. Her voice nothing but an empty monotone as she finally took the time to stare me down.

“No Buffy, I don’t need rest, I need Tara.”

And I understood that. It was why I was so worried.

I followed her from the room to the stairs, passed the waiting others on the way and didn’t speak a word. I didn’t have the words, all that I had was the desire to be ready, the desire to be able to stop whatever it was that was going to happen, because I knew that something would be happening soon. The air was so thick was it, my senses driving me crazy, the impending doom wrapping each of my limbs in a world weary heaviness. I could only offer silent prayers with each of our steps that Faith had gotten somewhere with Andrew, that she had a real plan, that she had real answers. I was still barely believing that he had been a cause of any of the bad stuff. He was just a boy, a geeky, pathetic, gibbering wreck of a boy. It didn’t make sense. Nothing had made sense.

We could hear them talking as we approached the front room, my hand again going out to Willow to stop her from hearing, from knowing. To try and protect her from the sight of the betrayal. It didn’t work though, of course it didn’t, she shrugged me off as if I wasn’t there and primed her ears, like mine, to hear the truth. Hearing Faith’s words the loudest as they cut into the snivels and whimpers that were coming from the boy.

“You better fucking know! Will he hurt her, will he hurt Tara?”

“I… I don’t know… he just, he just wants Willow…”

I witnessed the confusion as it crossed her empty eyes, the way that she had glanced back to me and mouthed his name. Not believing it herself, having to walk the final steps to see.

“Andrew.”

He had spun from his spot on the sofa, cowering into the cushions to keep away from the menacing form of Faith, not having any idea that Faith was now the least of his worries.

“Red, I’ve got this, it’s okay.”

But the words fell flat, no one caring for them, all of us focusing instead as Willow had strode the distance to the boy in the chair. She was no longer weak from blood loss, but strong with rage. With pain.

“You? What the hell.? What have you done..?”

“I…uh, I…”

“What have you done?” Her tone sinking to become more of a growl, each word spat at him with vicious succinctness.

“I didn’t… I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know…”

Her hand cracked down across his crumbling face with a force that even I would have been proud of. Flaming red against his cheek as he attempted to pull away from her. It all made him cower more, made him cower in the right direction.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to do it… I’m sorry…”

Over and over, but meaning nothing to any of us. Not then. He would have to hope that Tara was okay through this, it was the only way that he would get any form of respite. Maybe the only way that he would survive. When Giles had spoken it had made Willow draw back from him, had made her blend herself into the walls and not make a sound. All of us gathering to hear the words of Andrew. The things which Warren had done, the power which he had been cultivating. It was such scary stuff, such crazy stuff. As if we didn’t have enough trouble keeping evil in check without humans feeling the need to give it a helping hand. Hearing the details of how he had enlisted Spike… and all of it courtesy of the boy in front of us. So sorry now. So pointless now. When he had reached into the waistband of his pants and pulled out the vial of poison, Faith had almost launched herself at him again. Had cursed him with her voice all the way to hell and back, held his mouth open and threatened t o make him ingest it himself. We were all so angry. At him and at our selves. We had let him in, it felt like we had let this happen.

As his words had finally ended with silence, it was like a false calm settled over the room, no one speaking for fear of what would happen, looking to the pensive witch and wondering what would be next. Xander was the one who had gone to her, holding her as close as he could, not feeling how ramrod straight and tense she had stayed. Not taking comfort, not taking anything. Just staring back at Andrew, her eyes boring into him with silent intensity. If I was him I would have been terrified, I was me and I was terrified.

There was no rest for our nerves, me and Faith looking to each other and understanding the wordless signals, understanding that we had to stay primed, had to stay ready for action. We had descended slowly to the kitchen for refreshments, taking a moment to replenish our tired bodies just a little before we went back on the hunt. We were two for two for the evening, beating both the beast and Spike, but that didn’t mean that the signs of too much fighting wasn’t showing on our bodies, in the exhausted set of our shoulders. The situation was making the tenseness show between us as well, both of us in the mode to fight, not to explore the love which was growing steadily between us. Not to find comfort when we couldn’t offer anything to Willow. I had passed the food and drinks from the fridge without looking, the only words finding their way from our mouths being words which spoke of our duty, of our mission.

“So what do we do?”

“I don’t know Faith, you call LA again? Anything that Angel can tell us… anything, god knows we need it.”

“I don’t think he has anything else… all that he said was ‘don’t let the portal open’. Kinda obvious stuff really.” I heard the sigh that she let out as her hands slipped through her hair, saw the futility in her gaze.

“We’re fucked B, we have to go in there blind, all on the say so of Andrew. We have nothing to work with, no plan, no secret weapons...”

“If we can keep Wills away then we have a chance, Warren is still just a guy…”

“Wrong answer. Andrew reckons he’s packing serious strength, something about bonding with the creepy monster leech. Angel said that it’s possible, that the monk had done the same…”

“Great. We’re still slayers though, it’s nothing we can’t handle.”

“And there’s another one, Johnathan, or something?”

“Johnathan!?”

I had almost chocked in shock, surely not little Johnathan?

“Yeah, he does the mumbo jumbo magic stuff, seems that’s why shit keeps on disappearing. No new super power for me, just fucked up illusions.”

I was still trying to process Johnathan. It was too strange. I thought that he had learnt his lesson, had realised that he wasn’t super evil material.

“So we have a super strong Warren, and a magic making Johnathan… I’m still pretty confident.”

“And they have the demon chick.”

“Huh?”

“From your birthday gig, Halfreak or something?”

It was all too much. Trying to grab onto those tiny crumbs of knowledge and make sense from them all. Two boys from school and a wish demon. It still seemed doable, still seemed like something that me and Faith could handle. And I still believed then that we would save Tara. Even as we heard the shouts from the front room I believed that we could do it. As the walls shook with the force of something that could only ever be supernatural, could only ever be the strongest outpouring of grief and of rage. It was the sound of Willow coming into her own, accepting the belief in what she thought she had to do, the lengths that she would go to, to save the girl that she loved. The fact that I had expected it, did nothing to quell the shock and the fear. I had told Faith that we couldn’t handle Willow, and at that moment I thought it again.

We had both rushed forth without thinking to see what was happening, what was making the house shake with evil intent. Both of us rendered paralysed by the look of undiluted pain in Willow’s eyes as she held Andrew aloft in her small yet ferocious grasp.

“Will, this isn’t the way.”

I had spoken it knowing that it would make no difference, knowing that my words to her would mean nothing, that anything any of us could say would mean nothing.

“Stay out of it Buffy, this isn’t your fight, this is mine…”

She held out the hand that wasn’t holding onto Andrew and thrust her energy at all of us, at all of her friends. Shimmering light letting us know that we couldn’t approach her, that there was nothing we could do to reach either her or her captive.

“Red, let it go… we can do this together, all of us…”

“NO!”

“Messing with forces you can’t control will not help Tara, you need…”

“Do not tell me what I need! You don’t know what I need!”

It had sounded like hate flew from her mouth along with her words, such rage directing at me and at Faith, directing at Giles. Aimed at all of us. I felt the rip in my heart as she turned her back, as the front door flew from it’s hinges without a touch and allowed her to leave the house. All of us knowing where she was going, none of us daring to predict the outcome. It was too severe.

“Buffy..?”

“It’s okay Dawn, it’s okay.”

My placating tone did nothing to combat the panic, nothing to stop the dread which had coated her young eyes. I turned again to Faith then, I knew that this rested upon me and upon her, that it would be us together that would either stop this or we would fail. Saving the world. The same old routine. I had tried to feed from the strength in her eyes as she solidly held my gaze, tried my damn hardest to offer her some of the same in return. We only had each other to rely on now, no one else could make a difference.

“You ready to roll?”

“Ready”

“Wait… both of you, you can’t just go in there without a plan, we need to discuss this, we need to decide exactly what it is we could be facing…”

“No Giles, there is no ‘we’… this is me and Faith, you’re staying here…”

“Hold up Buff, I know you love the hero moments but this is Willow we’re talking about … this is all of our fight.”

There was such honesty in Xander’s eyes, the way that he wanted to stand strong in the way that he always found to stand strong for us. Anya ready at his side to accept whatever he thought was the best thing to do. We couldn’t allow it though… as slayers we HAD to do this… whatever it would entail, and there was no way that I would put it onto my friends. The options were too unclear, the chance that we may have to take out Willow, the chance that the whole world was about to come crashing down around us. I wanted them away from that, could feel the energy from Faith that spoke the same.

“You can’t come Xander, any of you. Not this time, I won’t have you there. I can’t do this if you’re there.”

“Do you really think that it’s wise to go alone?”

“I know it is Giles. It’s the only way it’s happening.”

“What do you want us to do?”

How the hell did I know? I looked yet again to Faith, appealed for something, for anything, that she could take some of the burden and offer words of wisdom, maybe a sense of direction where I was finding none.

“Get back on the phone to Angel, tell him it’s too late, ask him how the fuck we close a portal without…”

“Without?”

I understood the pause before the rest of them. Of course I did. Only seconds before Dawn though, just seconds until she caught everyone up to the harsh reality of our thinking.

“Without killing Willow..? That’s right isn’t it Buffy? You’re gonna have to hurt Willow.”

“I don’t…”

“Buff?”

“Xander…” I turned my body fully towards him, he had to realise that I would never do that without every other option being explored… that I could never do it without breaking my own heart. I loved her too. “…I won’t… I’ll save her okay? We’ll save her.”

He stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around me in a hug that I wished I could hold onto, always such normality within his hold. Just a boy, just a man. Forgetting his anger of earlier, no longer recriminating me, but assuring me.

“I’ll speak to Angel, you girls go do your thing, and we’ll do all that we can… we’ll be there… just, just please..?”

“We won’t hurt her.”

Faith’s words had cut into the moment, the urgency not leaving her stance, practically straining to be gone through the open doorway. She didn’t add the unspoken ‘unless…’ she didn’t need to. It hung as heavy in the air as any sorrow we had ever felt. This was Willow. She was ours, and we would go in there with the intent of saving them both, of bringing them both home. Silently leaving the house then with all of their eyes resting upon us, so much burden. So much to bear.

The growing light outside had spoken to us of an approaching dawn, the promise of a new day, the sun inching slowly up over a distant horizon. It meant nothing to us, the only thing that we could feel was the insistent buzzing through our bodies, the call to take a direction that we hadn’t walked before, trusting implicitly in the power which we held to take us to where we needed to go. Until finally we ended up in a road that looked no different to any other, a cul-de-sac, a family street.

“This is it B.”

“No kidding.”

“Well the apocalyptic wind chill is bit of a give away, the electric storm over that house down there…”

I didn’t need to follow her finger, my eyes had already rested upon the abnormality, had already accepted the truth in her words. The wind was whipping up into a frenzy as we spoke, the heavens opening in a way which could never be predicted on the local weather station. Howling through us, the clouds darkening faster than the dawn could ever beat them back.

“So what do we do? Do we just go in there?”

“Well we could try knocking on the front door…”

The scream which pierced our ears stole any last banter we were finding to soften the harshness, and we knew that this was it. That we couldn’t put it off no matter how much we didn’t want to face it. The end of the world was beckoning and it was our job to answer the call.

We approached the hatch to a basement and accepted the glow from within as an invitation to enter. Slowly and surely, eyes adjusting to the light as quick as they could, taking in the players, the foes and the friends. Tara bound to the wall at the back, next to the demon from my party. Willow stood tall with her hands still latching onto Andrew. And the then the boys. Warren and Johnathan at the centre of the room as if they were the conductors to all that was happening around them. Warren’s voice not sounding like anything human, the look in his eyes definitely not human.

“Do you accept it witch, do you understand what you must do!?”

“Give me Tara or I’ll end you all.”

Johnathan was chanting some ridiculous words, his shaking hands trying desperately hard to hold onto the charms in front of him. Warren’s eyes crackling with an energy that shone in the strangest way… sliding blackness across them, like Willow’s before. A film that coated his vision with such obvious evil. Our arrival was barely noted, barely seemed to make a difference to anything that was playing out before us. I stepped up, I knew without a doubt that it was my place to.

“Warren, back down… if you stop now, we can end this…”

“Back down?” He turned at last to face me as his laughter assaulted my ears. I silently wished that it hadn’t, it was a sound which chilled me, which had me wanting to do nothing more than to cling onto the hand at my side, to find the feel of Faith and to lose all of this insanity within her presence. “I have no need to back down slayer, this is all that I have waited for… all that I have planned for…”

“Quiet! All of you quiet!”

“Red, don’t do this.”

I felt the emptiness in Faith’s plea, knowing without a doubt that the pleas wouldn’t work, maybe it was the darkness that was enveloping Willow’s own eyes, the way that the world seemed to hush as she turned her attention to the forms bound to the wall that let me know it. She threw Andrew from her then, tossed him to the ground to free up both of her arms, slowly turning to face down Johnathan. His body seeming to shake even more as he found himself beneath her glare.

“Let them go… let both of them go… now.”

“I… I can’t…”

“Do it!”

Energy crackled from her fingertips and smashed straight into him as her words filled the room, sending him to the floor the same way she had sent Andrew. I heard him shriek, heard the pain that her blow had inflicted. Heard again as Warren laughed, his manic chuckles rising up even stronger than before.

“You think it matters about him, you think I care about him?”

“I said let them go.”

“And I told you only when the portal is opened.”

She thrust her energy at Johnathan again, raised him up into the air and slammed his body down upon the ground with a sickening thud, his pitiful cry doing nothing to soften the darkness of her gaze. I wanted to step forwards, I wanted to prevent her from crossing the boundaries that I wouldn’t know how to bring her back from. There wasn’t time though, already Warren was taking care of it for me. Picking the boy back up with strength that he shouldn’t possess, caressing him softly and then with a sickening smile twisting his hands, and twisting Johnathan’s neck.

“You can’t hurt me witch, no one can hurt me… now share your power or I will kill them all.” He threw the lifeless body away from him and started to stalk towards the wall where Tara was bound, that smile still twisting his lips, and me still standing there useless, not sure what my purpose would be. If either me or Faith would even have a purpose here. We stayed deathly still as Willow’s head had swung back towards the prisoner again, the blackness seeming to clear for just a moment as her voice cracked over her words.

“Baby..? Tara..?”

But she couldn’t answer, her mouth bound by cloth, her own words imprisoned in the same way that she was.

“It’s the only way witch, you give me what I want and I’ll release her, and if you don’t?” His arm outstretched then and pointed at the tied form of our friend, thrusting forth some energy of his own. Wrapping up and around her, making her body tense as the pain overtook her. “If you don’t then she will die.”

“Wills no, please..?”

Another pointless plea, more words which wouldn’t be heard.

Her eyes had swung once more to the woman she loved, and then the last of the girl that we knew had disappeared from her face, clearing the way for the evil that wanted so badly to sit there. Her feet moving her forwards and her hands reaching up to connect with Warren’s. An ear splitting moment filled with sonic booms, when I would’ve believed that everything was truly lost. Too much noise, and too much power. It had shimmered in front of us slowly, starting out as nothing more than a pinprick of glowing light, gradually growing to encompass the whole space of the far wall. And I knew what it was, the only thing that it could be. The portal that we couldn’t let open. Warren with the words and Willow with the power.

I don’t know what was supposed to happen when this thing opened, what the chain of events was supposed to be, but I know I never expected the oozing tendrils of slime which crept outwards from the wall and gradually across the floor towards us all.

“Holy fuck B… are you ready to fight this?”

But my eyes were getting lost in the hole, trying to put solid form to the shadow I could see in the background, a mass of blackness from where the creeping sinews sprang. Warren’s chants were growing louder as his whole body was gradually encompassed in the glow of Willow’s power, her body straining with overwrought tension as she fought to keep a hold, to keep her view pointed at the portal, her end of the bargain.

I had known that I had to break my gaze, had to use my own power to try and stop the strength of the other on display. We had to stop this thing, we had to stop Warren, and more than any of that, we had to stop Willow. I cracked my gaze to Faith, slid every business note into my voice to cover the fear, issued my orders at her as if she should follow them.

“Try and break their connection, I’ll get Tara…”

And she was already moving, my eyes leaving hers to go do my own bidding, spinning to face the bound women and dashing my way towards them. I took in their forms, Tara’s eyes as they shone with desolation, the demon’s eyes as they shone with fury. It was easy to get to them now that Johnathan was gone, the magic of his binds being broken, to leave nothing but normal rope. I ripped at the gag that tied tight across her mouth, and gave her back the power of speech, prayed in my heart that it wasn’t too late, that this wasn’t the end.

“Tara? Are you okay… are you hurt?”

“I’m okay, please… help her.”

She was gesturing with her head to Halfrek, and I didn’t have the time to question or to argue, I just turned and released her too, gave her a chance at getting away. But she didn’t turn and flee, not straight away. She looked me dead in the eye with confusion instead, brought her hands up to shield the near nakedness of her body.

“You freed me?”

“Yeah… crazy I know, now if I was you I’d get out of here…”

I didn’t give her a second glance, assumed that she would be gone before I had even finished speaking, turning my attention instead back to Faith, to the struggle that she faced in trying to break the union between our friend and our biggest foe. All the time the creeping slime drenched tendrils winding across the floor to try and engulf us all. To take the first bite from the soul of humanity. Faith couldn’t get near them, the pulsating force of their conjoined power keeping her from ever being able to get close enough to help. It was as if we could do nothing, like it truly was time for the world to end. Willow was committed now, not able to hear my final appeal, frozen in the bond she had created with Warren. When words had come they were not mine.

“Willow stop!”

A power in a voice that we hadn’t considered. Sweet and docile tones being replaced with a strength that I had never heard there before, would never have expected to hear there with such force. Slowly turning to witness Tara as she stood strong and proud, commanding the room as if it was her job to do so. It shocked Willow into breaking her hold on Warren, in reality the force in her voice had shocked us all.

“Tara..?”

It was almost as if the lightness that had surrounded her was enough to break the darkness which had imprisoned her girlfriend’s eyes. Making them clear now, making them shine with horror as she looked and realised what she had done. Her feet trying to drag her back from the close proximity she shared with Warren.

“You’re too late bitch, it’s too late…”

I didn’t know what to do, where to go. Looked to my sister slayer as she pulled Andrew up from his place and the floor and freed him from the slime that was looking to feast upon him. I could see it touching her too, spreading further outwards as the power that had been flowing from our Witch and the crazy Warren was stemmed. The sounds which had emanated then from the portal had been so drenched in what sounded like rage and anger, only matched by the screams which were starting to wrack Warren’s body. Inhuman screeches, his skin bubbling as the thing had then looked to lock it’s hold onto him. Making him slip closer and closer to the portal. Not even trying to hold back at first, just shocked by the fact that his plan may not work. He still needed Willow, without her power he would be useless.

“B, we’ve gotta get everyone back… you remember what Angel said?”

I tore my eyes from him and gave them to her. “Don’t let the portal open?”

“Got it in one. That thing ain’t going down without a fight, without it’s breakfast…”

I had remembered back to the story about the monk, how he had opened the portal, but when he hadn’t the power to bring anything out, it had closed and taken him with it. I looked around now as more tendrils shot forth, felt as my own legs were encased with the first of their touches. I managed to pull myself back easy enough though, I have the strength of the slayer, but I knew that the others would not be so easy. Willow was standing frozen as if she didn’t know what the hell she had done, what was happening. Tara was edging towards her but trying to keep away from the ever closer shoots of darkness. I wanted to warn her, had opened my mouth to do so.

“Tara no! Get out, we’ll get Will, just get the hell out!”

The scream behind me shocked my head into turning again, so much to try and keep a hold on, so many people to worry about. It was the demon again, not having fled when I expected her to, and now being sucked up by the thing which wanted us all. It seemed as if she was stuck fast to her place, being forced to watch the events unfold, the portal unfold. Her hand had lifted slowly, her eyes connecting with me in pain, pointing something out to me, making me turn with a dread in my heart, sweatiness suddenly making my hands seem soaked.

“Faith!”

Warren had grabbed his hands onto her, his inhuman strength pulling her backwards with him, his mouth letting loose words which I had no clue towards, dragging her nearer and nearer and her not being able to do a thing to stop it. At the same time Willow was being touched by tendrils of her own, slowly creeping up her legs and bringing back the blackness in her eyes, as if it wanted the evil, the thing which it could feed upon. I appealed to her to fight it, to do something to stop it, but she just shook her head. She looked exhausted, like she had no fight left. All of her power spent now that her connection with Warren was broken.

I had thought in that moment that I would have to choose. Had thought that I would have to save one or the other. As it was, maybe I should have known, maybe the way that Willow would have done anything to save Tara, should have told me that in return she would do anything to save Willow. I never expected it though. Even after witnessing the unknown strength in her voice, the way that she had held herself firm and broken the connection which none of us could break, I still didn’t expect what happened next. Wasn’t prepared as she had charged past me, towards the portal, not away from it. As she had attacked Warren with only her hands as a weapon, as he had let go of Faith, to bring his still inhuman eyes to her.

“No! You’re nothing, let go of me… you’re nothing!”

“Tara! NO!”

They were Faith’s words, they became Willow’s words. They became all of our dashes towards her as she seemed to fall through the hole alongside him. Nothing pulling her in except the force with which she had tackled him, the screeching which had emanated from his body becoming more and more as they disappeared from our view.

All of us frozen.

“Baby..?”

No longer a sound.

“Tara..?”

The light growing softer and softer until nothing remained except for the wall itself. No portal. No nothing. No Warren and no Tara.

“Oh my god…” I had been first to run my hands over the spot, first to feel the heat and nothing else. “…Faith? What the hell?”

But of course she had no answer. Not expecting a moment of such bravery and self sacrifice. Not expecting that it would be Tara who gave herself to save the world. It had felt as if my stomach dropped down to the floor, as if I needed to be sick, to expel the feeling. Not having tears in that moment, not having anything except a stared disbelief at a wall. At nothing.

“Tara… oh goddess no, Tara…?”

Willow was on her knees, her eyes as red as they had been black, tears and grief streaming down across her face. She had tried to bring strength back to her tone, had started to chant words which meant nothing to me, screaming words, pounding on the wall with her fists until the skin had broken, until her body had collapsed from the force of her futile efforts.

“Wills..?”

I slipped down beside her and tried to put my arms around her, sense dictating that we should get up and leave, not processing a want to stay and to try and find her. What was left to find?

“Buffy no… Tara… I can’t, oh goddess, I can’t…”

Over and over, finally making the tears spring into my eyes as the realisation of what we had lost hit me hard in the heart. Trying to contain my best friends grief as mine found a place on my face. My arms rocking her as her hands still fought to scratch at the wall in front of us. To bring her back.

“B, come on… we have to get her home.”

Faith had sunk down next to us, her own eyes shining with loss and with pain. I looked at her and wanted so bad to find peace and to find solace, to find anything other than the feeling in my chest, but there was nothing. It was as if we were all empty now. Broken now.

“Help me get her up?”

“Sure thing, the others are outside…”

“Others?”

“Andrew, the demon… they’re waiting for us.”

I had forgotten about them, didn’t even know how long we had been sat there rocking. How long since it seemed that the world had ended. Or our world at least.

We had picked her up between us and made our way up into a day that burst forth sunshine, a day which had no clouds to cover the brightness. Letting it mock us as we trudged our way past crowds of smiling people to arrive back at our home. To our expecting friends, to the looks upon their faces as they had counted who was there and who wasn’t. Had seen clearly who it was that we hadn’t saved.

I carried Willow myself up the stairs to my room. I couldn’t bear to place on her the bed which she had shared with Tara, which would always now be missing her presence. A room which missed my mother, and now a room that would also miss her. As I laid her down and watched her empty eyes closed, I just cried. I had nothing else. It all hurt so damn much. Just holding onto her cold hands as she dropped down into an exhausted restless sleep. Trying to soothe a brow which was soaked in feverish sweat. Trying to hold my body firm instead of giving into the sobs which so badly wanted to wrack me.

I couldn’t think yet, couldn’t process a feeling other than the physical one. The one which felt as if it was killing me. I know that I had almost longed for death again myself, because this pain was just so much.

“Buffy..?”

Her voice sounded like a lifeline. Again. Breaking firmly through my torment to turn my head away from Willow.

“Hey.”

“How’s she doing?”

“I don’t know Faith. I don’t know how she’s gonna do this… god, I don’t know how any of us are going to do this.”

She walked softly into the room, coming to stand at my side and looked upon the girl who’s brow I still stroked. The girl who was starting to moan in her sleep with the pain of expelling yet more darkness from her over loaded system.

“Why don’t you come down B? Xander wants to come sit with her, you need to take a break… you’re exhausted…”

“I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not.” Her fingers had slid slowly to my face to wipe at tears I had no chance of stopping. To tuck a fallen strand of hair behind my ear. “Come on, just take a break yeah? Just a minute…”

I let her bring me up, a soft moan escaping my lips as I had let my touch go from Willow.

“Why Tara, Faith..? God… why did she do it?”

But I knew why. She did it for love. She did it to save Willow. To save all of us.

We descended the stairs slowly, holding onto each other in a useless grab at finding something like strength. I met the eyes of all of our friends, and saw that they had been told everything. That they knew what had happened in the basement. All of them glistening tears at me, not able to find any words to say to make anything better.

“How is she?”

“She’s sleeping Xander, will you sit with her?”

“Of course I will.”

He went from the room with Anya at his side, pausing only to take the time to wrap his arms around me again. Not able to absolve any of the guilt which was beginning to creep back into my mind. The beginnings of fault which wanted so badly to wrap me up in it’s hold. My memory flashing to all of the things which I could have done different, to everything which highlighted my failure. It brought me to the now. To being sat upon the sofa with Dawn at my side. Watching as Faith and Giles embroiled themselves in conversation across the room, their eyes flicking to me often, but not including me in what was being said.

And I can’t care.

All that I could do now was to hold onto Dawn and let her tears take precedence over mine. She is innocent in all of this. Just like Tara was.

I didn’t move as Faith came to stand in front of me, could barely meet her eyes as she spoke my name, as she scooted Dawn along the sofa to find her place next to me.

“You need to get some rest B, why don’t you go lay down and I’ll keep an eye on Dawn, I’ll look after her…”

“I said I’m okay.”

“And I said you’re not.”

Her own fatigue was there for me to see, and I refused to let her push it all aside for my sake. “I’m fine, really… why don’t you go home Faith? You need to rest too.”

“You want me to go?”

No. But do I deserve you to stay?

I didn’t speak my words. I didn’t speak anything. I just looked at her and I crumbled and I cried. I lost myself as her arms wrapped solidly around me and I just cried. It felt so pathetic, but I have nothing else.

We were supposed to save the world, and then we were going to save ourselves. It had been such a good plan. And now I have to wonder if there is anything left to save. I failed, we may have saved the world, but I didn’t save Tara. And now I just don’t know if I have the energy anymore to save myself. If I even care anymore if I can save myself.

She held onto me tightly as I shook with the force of it all, as if she could feel my desolation and wanted to protect me from it. Wanted to hold me back from it. Her words whispering into my ears, over and over. A mantra made just for me.

“It’ll be okay Buffy, it’ll all be okay.”

But how could it be okay? How could any of this ever be okay again?

Chapter 27

POV Faith

Too many fucking days, too many fucking hours. Too much crap that makes me say ‘fucking’ for all of the wrong reasons. If I had ever believed in my life that everything had gone to shit, well now I know it for sure. This should never have happened, this should never have been allowed to happen. Not Tara, not the girl amongst us all that was just so good, the one that radiated enough fucking light to keep all of our darkness at bay. No. Me and Buffy are the slayers… we are the ones charged with the duty of keeping this world safe, not her. This truly should never have happened.

I’m not stupid, I’m not ignorant, I know why she did it… it’s fucking obvious why she did it… but could we have done more? Standing in that dumb basement like two frozen statues, letting evil dictate the pace, whilst we sat back and did nothing. When B had told me to separate them, I had thought I would be strong enough, had thought that I was slayer enough to accomplish the task, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even get near them, not a chance. The energy they were producing stronger than anything I could even ever hope of producing. So I had done nothing. Just a frozen statue.

And after that, when the slinky slime had waded it’s way across the floor, when Warren had held me in his grasp and pulled me backwards… should I have let him? Should I have taken the tumble that Buffy took last year and gained my absolution in a minute of final sacrifice?

Fuck me, I just don’t know.

Then I had thought ‘no’. Had tried to fight him off of me, had utilised my pointless strength in an effort to rip him from me. But all that I had done was lay the way clear for Tara to do the job that I was sent here to do. I had always wanted to know my purpose for life, had spent hours agonising over whether I was good enough, whether I was strong enough… and I guess now I know. I wasn’t good enough and I damn sure wasn’t strong enough. I let her take the place that should have been mine. I let her sacrifice herself, because I wasn’t brave enough to let it all go.

We heard the screams as the portal closed, heard the torment that lay beyond the wall we couldn’t break through, and now in my dreams, the screams are all hers. Doesn’t matter if the screams were already there, if hell already existed beyond our reach… in my head now, it’s her hell. It’s a place that we let her go to.

These thoughts aren’t only mine, the grief isn’t only mine, it’s there for all of us. It’s in the empty eyes that reside in Revello drive, it’s in the faces that look like they may never smile again. It’s in the screams and the tears that have become the only sounds from Willow… and maybe more personal to me… it’s in the way that Buffy can’t even look me in the eyes no more.

Fucking great right?

We had a plan, a damn fine kick ass plan, we were going to save the world and then we were going to save ourselves. Fuck it, we had already started saving ourselves. We were falling in love, for the first time in my life I was believing that everything would be okay. Not just me, not just selfish okay, but okay for everyone. Me and B, and Dawn, we were going to be a family. Those guys were going to be my friends… and now it’s all just gone. Not glass half empty, the glass is on the floor in fucking shards and all of us are dancing right through them. It hurts. It hurts so god damn much.

I get Buffy’s guilt, of course I get the guilt, I’ve been living with guilt for a long couple of years now, so yes, I know it. But it’s so wrong. It can’t be all her fault, because if it’s all her fault, then how comes the rest of us are feeling so damn guilty too? And it’s not even like we feel it the worst… imagine being Red right now? Imagine knowing that your actions had directly caused the opening of the fucking portal in the first place. Forget Spike and Warren, cos I know that they don’t matter to her… she opened it, and Tara went through it. End of story. I tried to placate her just like the others, I tried to hold her in my arms that felt like jelly now, no strength left, and I felt the way that she is feeling. I heard the screaming first hand, I helped Buffy restrain her that first night, all for her own good. Holding her hair back as she vomited and vomited again, as she tried to free herself long enough to take herself to the place that Tara was, that Tara is. She wants to go to hell too, and it took everything we had to hold her back.

I watched as the eyes that shine green, clouded with more of that sick looking black stuff, I felt the verbal blows that she threw our way. The hurt and the hate that she was redirecting in any kind of effort to stop the pain from being so utterly soul destroying. Words which haunt me. Which hurt me. Pointing out our failure as if we needed it pointing out. Berating us for what we couldn’t do. Hating us for what we couldn’t do. She saved the worst for B, calling her out as the whore and the liar, diatribes about fucking Spike, about letting the sick son of a bitch touch her… pointing blame. Hiding from her own.

It lessened as the sickness abated. As her body shook and she found tears again, as she begged us for a forgiveness that wasn’t there to give. We can’t absolve her, it’s too fucking hard trying to absolve ourselves. Everything is oh so fucking hard. I even had the nerve to attack Angel, to scream at Cordy down the phone in a futile effort at making myself hurt just one iota less. It didn’t work. It’s not their fault. They were working the info hard at their end, all we had to do was to stop the portal from opening… the fucking obvious thing, and we damn well couldn’t do it.

It’s all so crap. It’s all so hard. And all I want to do is to make it better.

I look around this room now, and all I see are walls. It doesn’t feel like a home, it doesn’t feel like love… it just feels like bricks and mortar. Nothing personal. Nothing at all. It’s claustrophobic, as if the silence is mocking, as if the foundations which keep the bricks standing are there only to taunt us. The same old house when nothing is the same. It drives me fucking crazy, yet I try and stand it for her. For Dawn. For any fucker that needs me. I spoke to Giles not long after we got back the other day, and I damn well told him that if he even thinks about trying to leave them again, I will fucking crush his skull and perform my own lobotomy ‘slayer style’. He gets it, it’s not about wanting to hurt him… it’s about helping the others. About being here for Buffy like he’s fucking supposed to be here, about providing a father for two girls, that have no one else. He said that he had no intention of leaving, but I had just wanted to make sure. To make it better.

And how do I make it better when she can’t even look me in the eyes?

That first day she had let me hold her, she damn well clang to me as I held her. Let me whisper words of okay into her ears in a way that had me believing in it too. But the next day? Yeah… the next day was different. Yesterday was different. Freezing up as I offered her something which to me felt like comfort, her body so tense, her words so clipped. And it wasn’t like I didn’t question her… I know how fucked up everything is, how the feelings are all swirling and mixing, how everything is messed… but this is me! I get it! It makes me want to scream and to shout, to punch and to kick every damn inanimate object around me… but more than that it makes me want to grab her and press my lips so firm against hers in a way which makes her see it too. Feel it too. And that’s the sickest right? Everyone else is consuming themselves in grief, and I still have the hankerings of getting my nasty little naughty on. I still want the ‘fucking’ to be for all of the right reasons. Still w ant to lose the harshness of this screwed up world all in the beauty of her. So maybe it’s best if she holds herself away from me, because I know that it isn’t what she needs. That she doesn’t find comfort in the same way that I do. That she doesn’t need me in the way which I need her. Another harsh and hardened dose of reality.

“Hey?”

Huh?

“You okay Faith, you look kinda… antsy?”

I had forgotten that I was here for a minute, forgotten that people were looking to me to see what my reactions are. Still looking for a strength which I think I left in that basement.

“I’m cool Dawn, just ya know… thinking.”

“About Tara?”

“About a lot of shit, about all of this shit.”

“You wanna talk some?”

At least ‘her’ eyes aren’t empty to me. I remember Tara teasing about hero worship, and now it just hurts too. Dawn shouldn’t be offering me anything, I should be the one doing the offering. She is still just a kid, and she is still being thrown more shit than any kid should ever have to go through. Maybe even more than I went through. And it sucks. It sucks a whole barrel load of shit.

“Do ‘you’ want to talk? Are you doing okay?”

I pat the sofa next to me and invite her into my isolated space. Throw an arm around her shoulders and hope that it gives her something to hold onto.

“I’m okay… I just, I wonder Faith, do you think that we’re cursed..? I mean… with mom, with Buffy, and now Tara… why does everyone get taken? I hate that everyone keeps… keeps dying. It’s not fair.”

I hold on tighter, I could tell her everything about not fair, but I won’t. I’ll try and soothe the child in her that still thinks that life should even be fair. “No kid, not cursed… definitely not fair, but not cursed. It’ll be okay, just wait and see.”

“You always say that.”

“What?”

“That it’ll be okay, since you got here you said that… it gets harder to believe.”

“You don’t believe me?”

She shrugs a little. Sighs a lot more.

“It sounds better than when Buffy says it… you sound like you mean it. Like there’s hope.”

“You want me to start punning on my name?”

“Not if you want me to keep taking you seriously.”

So I hold back for the moment on the ‘keeping the faith’, cos it does sound a lot like bullshit. “It’s just gonna take time kiddo, losing people… it’s never easy, but you just have to remember who you have left. It’s not right, and it isn’t fair, but it’s something. Something to believe in.”

“You think that Willow is going to be okay?”

No. And no again. A whole fucking lifetime of no.

“Sure she will, you wait and see… she has you and B, she has Xander…”

“And you.”

“Yeah… right, see? Just give her time…”

I remember how hard we had to work at restraining her and I know that it’s gonna take a hell of a lot more than time to be okay. It’s gonna take a fucking miracle, and I know that I’m not the girl to work them. Not even close.

“I just want things to be better, I want… I want to be happy again. I want Tara back.”

I hold onto her as the tears come again. So many tears, too many tears. My peaceful tones trying to break through and assure, when my own eyes are feeling dusty too. My arm trying to wipe away what I know she doesn’t need to see. I hold her for as long as she needs me, till the teenager in her gets the embarrassment from being so exposed. And then I let her go, watch as she climbs the stairs to her room to try and find comfort in being alone. I know it doesn’t work, of course it doesn’t work, but I let her go. I need a little space too. More time to think about the comfort which I can’t have. More aching to feel Buffy’s arms around me in the way that I want to wrap my arms around her. Private want, useless want. Fucked up want.

My eyes rise again as I hear her tread upon the stairs, knowing it is her in the way that I know everything to me is her. Trying so hard to catch a gaze she won’t give me. And I want to scream again. I want to punch and kick again.

“You alright B?”

My words falling heavy from my lips, scared to sound light, almost scared to be heard.

“Huh?”

“I said… I said are you alright?”

“Peachy Faith. You?”

“Yeah, great… flying high.”

I follow her with my eyes as she walks right by, not stopping to engage in anything other than the bullshit phrases which just fell from her mouth. Nothing personal, nothing close to anything she has been sharing with me before this. Like she’s empty again. Like she doesn’t care again. Like I’m nothing to her.

And I AM going to punch something.

I pick myself up from the sofa and follow her out to the kitchen, just rest myself back against the side and watch her gathering some food. A tray for Red I guess. A pointless tray for a girl who won’t eat anything. I know that she knows I’m watching her, and I wonder how hard it is to not acknowledge me… maybe how easy it is.

“I’m gonna go back to mine.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Maybe get washed up, get something to eat… gonna get some training done.”

“Right.”

“Maybe dance naked for a while, invite the neighbours round for a good old fashioned orgy…”

“Okay.”

And I know she doesn’t even hear me. It makes me slam my hand down hard, makes me jump as much as her as the crack resounds through the room. My eyes as wide as hers as finally she connects with me. As finally she looks me in the fucking face for the first time in days. I see her mouth gaping like a fish, words not forthcoming now that she feels like she’s on the spot. Now that she has to find words.

“You got something to say B?”

“Careful of the sides, I can’t afford to replace them.”

“You’re fucking joking me?”

“No Faith, I don’t have the time for jokes.”

And I see the slip slide, the flash of something in her eyes other than the emptiness that she has never ever really fooled me with. It makes me take a step closer, makes me reach out a hand to glide across her cheek, makes me sigh so fucking hard as she pulls herself back from me.

“I can’t… don’t you get it? We can’t.”

And I know I have no place to argue. What would I say?

‘Forget all the pain, forget the fact that the world has gone to shit… we’ll just carry on anyway? We’ll find happiness in a place where there is no room for happy?’

No. I don’t say anything. I just sigh that fucking sigh again and turn to go. Fuck goodbye, and fuck everything. I just need something to punch.

POV Buffy

I watch her go with downcast eyes that refuse to meet her face. Feel the tear as it rips right through me again, the twist in my heart as she leaves like I made her leave. Like I have to make her leave. I’m finding it hard enough to live with myself right now… if I look her in the eyes, then she will see the truth, and that is even harder for me to think about.

How can it be that when the whole world has gone to crap, I can still want nothing as much as I want to lose myself inside everything that is her? How can I even think that I have the right to want so much, when everyone else has been left with so little? When so much of it is all my fault? I can’t want. But I do want. And so I try to hide it all from her. I try to be strong Buffy, dutiful Buffy… the Buffy I should have been in the first place. The girl that would never have let this happen.

I stand here now piling pointless food onto a pointless tray and yet it still feels as if it is the ‘right’ thing to do. To carry it upstairs and argue the point with a best friend that has lost her whole point to life. That is so torn in the grief and the hurt and the guilt, that all she can do is to cry. To not hear my words as I try and make it sound better, as I offer false promises of a time when things will be okay… no. She knows that it is crap as much as I do, so she treats it like crap. She just fixes me with eyes which are still staining black, and dismisses me with her tears. Not letting me hold her. Barely letting me touch her.

She lets Xander hold her… she lets Dawnie soothe her brow, she even listens as Giles speaks in his fatherly tones to her… but not me. She won’t hear me. And I get that. The words that she shared that first day make me understand it in ways which I wish I didn’t have to understand. The dirty whore, the fucking bitch, the slut who let Spike touch her. The one who was wrong, who came back dirty. I heard all of the words and they sounded like the thoughts I had been berating myself with for months. Words which Faith had chased away, but now words which haunt me again. So tell me… how the hell can I wish to lose all of this in Faith?

That first night after, I had begged Hallie to make use of something like power, to grant a wish that would take us back, would make it different… but she couldn’t. Her power gone as long as D’Hoffryn is gone. More crap. What’s the point in having power if you can’t damn well use it?

And that’s a good laugh, right from my top drawer of laughs. I stood in that basement and I let everything happen around me and I didn’t use my power. I could have taken the dive through the wall… I have experience, I know what death feels like… but no. I decided that I wanted life too much to even think the possibility. I thought I could save them all, I didn’t realise that we would have to sacrifice anyone. That we would have to lose her. Maybe if I had known, if the hindsight had been given, then I would have been the one who had taken Warren out… but I didn’t know. I didn’t understand. I don’t understand anything anymore. Everything was going so well, everything was getting better… and I was the fool to believe it. I should know by now that life is only about hurting. Look it up in the dictionary, I swear it’s what it will say. Forget the good times, the happy times… they have nothing on the hard times. On these times.

I look at the virtual feast I have prepared for Wills, and it doesn’t even tempt me. Only Faith tempts me, right? Yes. Pathetic, but true. I have eaten as much as Willow these last days, and my tummy doesn’t even care… everything within me is calling out to find Faith. To touch Faith. To taste Faith. It is all that I want to consume… and the thought just makes me sick at myself. It forces me into this penance of casting my eyes down from her. Of pretending that I don’t hear the words that she speaks to me. But I hear every one, I feel every one. I know that she is hurting like I am.

Oh god.

Can someone not just tell me what to do?

I pick up the tray and walk the stairs. Back to my room, back to the endless pain in Will’s eyes, the sight of the anguish on her face. I worry for her… I worry that she will try to do what she did with me, touching more darkness. I worry that she will try to join Tara wherever she is. That first day me and Faith had had to use all of our strength to restrain her… to hold her back from the path which would have taken her life. Her hurt gone, but ours magnified. Maybe we should have let her, who the hell are we to hold her back?

“Hey Wills, I brought you lunch…”

And she doesn’t look up. Her eyes dead as they stare from my window. Silent tears mapping a path down her face.

“You gonna eat something?”

I place it in the space where all of the untouched trays have lain and try to find my own spot next to her, glancing out at the view to see what captivates her so. Not expecting the words to come from her mouth. My ears assaulted by the depth of her torment.

“Look at the sun Buffy… do you see the sun?”

“Yeah… I see it.”

“It reminds me of her… all that light, all of that goodness burning so bright. It reminds me of her.”

I don’t know what to say. I say nothing.

“Without the sun, everything would die. Do you ever think that? Do you ever consider that?”

I still say nothing.

“Without the sun there can’t be life… it’s just darkness and death Buffy, it’s just nothing. And it feels… it feels like the sun has gone. I look at it… I look at it till my eyes burn… but it still feels like it has gone… like everything has died…”

Her shoulders are shaking again, her eyes clenching shut as she rips them from the view. And I can’t touch her… I know that if I touch her she will shake me from her, will shrug off any touch that I have to offer. So I lean over her instead, hope that my actions are the right ones. Slowly drawing the blinds to keep the view at bay.

And she doesn’t even register, her eyes flick up again and now she stares at the blinds in the same empty way that she stared at the sun. No more words to say, no more answers to any questions I could dare to ask. I know that she won’t be okay… I don’t need to form the words that would speak it. I turn instead as the door softly opens, register the worried look in Giles’s gaze as he takes us both in. I don’t know if he means to worry about me, or if the look just seeps from Willow, and I catch the leftovers. It doesn’t matter… I don’t want his worry. There is only one thing that I want now, that I need now. My selfishness enough to leave a bitter taste coating the roof of my mouth.

“Buffy..?”

“Yeah?”

“Could I have a quick word please?”

I think long and hard about it, let the minutes fill with a silence I can’t bring myself to break. Eventually nodding as I tear myself away from the companionship of another broken heart. “I’ll be back in a minute Will, try and eat something, okay?”

Leaving the room knowing that I won’t get an answer. That she doesn’t hear my words. I follow Giles instead, past Dawn’s closed door, down to my mom’s room. The empty room.

“What is it?”

“I’m worried.”

“Catch the newsflash… we’re all worried.”

“Not about Willow, I’m worried about you Buffy.”

“Nice sentiment, but I don’t need it… I’m fine. Peachy.”

It’s a line that I keep repeating. I don’t know if the fleshy fruit works as a cover, but it’s the word that keeps springing to my lips. A word that I keep finding no matter how broken down I feel inside. No matter how much my guilt and shame is eating me alive. Maybe like a peach… maybe I am the peach…

“You don’t need to keep the act with me, I understand that you want to reassure your friends, that you want to assure your sister, but this is me Buffy… you don’t need to hide the truth from me.”

“Who says I’m hiding?”

“Everything about you says that you are hiding. I know you haven’t eaten anything, I know that you have barely taken the time to sleep…”

“Sleep when you’re dead Giles, I know all about that.”

The chipper is all forced, and I see that he does know that. The firmness that he inserts into his words. The forcefulness of his gaze.

“For gods sake, can you not admit that you’re hurting too? Nobody expects you to bear this alone, no one expects anything from you… we are all hurting!”

“No, you’re wrong… I expect this from me. I have to be strong, I…”

His hand is warm as it finds my own, it’s roughness dwarfing mine as he attempts to comfort me. I should tell him that it isn’t his touch that I need. But I don’t. I let him hold on and speak his words. I expect me to be strong. Even for him.

“Buffy, it’s admirable what you are trying to do, but if you carry on, then what will happen when you break? Because you will break, no one can do this to themselves and not suffer. No one, not even a slayer.”

“Maybe I deserve to suffer? Did ya think of that one?”

He looks at me sadly. I smile back.

“Quit worrying about me, seriously… I’ve got this. I’m gonna be here for Wills, for Dawn… and maybe when they are feeling better, I’ll start to worry about myself. Okay?”

“And what about Faith?”

That stops me smiling. It brings the tears that I am fighting every minute of every day right back up to my surface. Don’t call me on that one Giles. Don’t make me tell you how much I need her… how much my selfish little want is encompassing everything else that I feel.

“What about her?” I go for steely. I know that she doesn’t deserve it.

“Why won’t you let her share the burden? You have to know that she wants to, that she is here for you.”

I know that it is stupid, I know that it is a lie, but I still look around the room in a dumb attempt at showmanship. “Well where is she then? I don’t see her here.”

And now he sighs. I can make everyone sigh.

“You have to stop pushing her away, I see what you do, and believe it or not I understand why you are doing it…”

No you don’t.

“…but it’s okay. It’s okay to want her, even when things are bad. That’s what love is Buffy, an ability to make it better. Why won’t you let her make it better?”

I can feel my head shaking, side to side. Adamantly no.

“You don’t understand! We said… god, we said that we would save the world Giles, and we lied. Do you get that? And now I can’t go to her, I can’t save ourselves when I let Tara go… I can’t do better, I can’t be better!”

“You didn’t let Tara go, Tara made her own decision, a very brave decision, don’t take that away from her.”

“She never should have been in a position to make it though, should she? That’s what I’m here for… remember? One girl, facing evil, stopping the tide? All the things that you taught me Giles, and now you’re telling me that it’s crap? That this isn’t my fault?”

I try and draw breath back into my body. Clench my fists tight to rein it all in. He makes another grab for me, another fatherly touch that I just can’t feel.

“That’s precisely what I’m saying Buffy. This is not your fault, it doesn’t matter how much you punish yourself, it isn’t your fault!”

Now his hands go to my shoulders, forcing me to look him in the eye, to hear the words no matter how much I try not to.

“It isn’t your fault, or Faith’s fault, or Willow’s fault… it isn’t even Andrew’s fault…”

Damn! I was sharing a little of my blame with Andrew. He knows it as well. He may be back home with mommy, but he knows that I have some blame waiting for him on his return. A talk that needs to be had. Anger that needs to be sated. I try and focus back on the words. On the eyes.

“…it’s nobody’s fault Buffy. It’s evil, it’s what evil does, and I know that it hurts… god knows I’ve felt the hurt, but we keep on going. We keep on fighting. It’s the best that we can do, and I know how good you’re best can be.”

His eyes are shining for me. Perhaps for Jenny too. For Tara. The list would be endless if we started to count everyone that we have lost to evil.

“I’m tired Giles… I just… I’m so tired.”

I let go as he holds me, as his arms envelope me in the way that I had wished for for months. Endless days when I had longed for his return, longed for him to pull me back from my slipping spiral of badness. I hold on tight now, I let the tears for all of that time fall onto his shoulder. And it shocks me… I had thought that I only needed Faith, and now I see that comfort can come from many places. That it isn’t only selfish want that consumes me.

“You can’t give up Buffy, no matter what… you can’t give up. I won’t let you give up.”

“What if I really, really want to?”

“Not even then.”

And it feels good to accept that. Maybe it’s parental, maybe it’s the thing that I have missed since mom… went. Whatever it is, I let it make me smile in truth. Let it fill me with something other than the bad stuff. I slowly break the hold as my thoughts turn back towards Will, towards sitting with her and trying to bring her some of the comfort I had just been given.

“Thank you for that, I needed it…”

“Yes you did.”

“I’m gonna get back to Willow, try and get her to eat something, to talk maybe…”

“No Buffy, I’m going to sit with Willow.”

“Okay, I’ll go hang with Dawn.”

“You really are bloody pain in the arse.”

“Huh?”

Because you what?

“You’re going to go to Faith, and when you get there, you are going to sit down and talk all of this through with her.”

“No I’m not.”

“Don’t make me shout.”

And I laugh.

“Oh come on Giles, you can’t shout at me anymore, I’m all grown up!”

“Well start acting like it then. I know how much you need each other, how much you can help each other… now bloody well go to her!”

“But… but what about Will, Dawn…”

“I’m perfectly capable of looking after them myself.”

I remember all of the times that I have abandoned them for my own selfish desire, for the wants which I had no control over, wants which I didn’t even try and control… and I won’t do that again. I won’t leave them again.

“No Giles, it’s my responsibility, I won’t leave them. Not again.”

“And I am not giving you the choice, I’ll watch over them Buffy, I’ll watch over them like I always should have done…”

I catch as his eyes go shifty, as they sink to the floor along with his tone.

“…if you want to apportion blame, then I have to accept some as well.”

“You what?”

“I never should have left when I did, I know that… who knows how things would have turned out if I hadn’t have left, if I was here for all of you whilst all of this was happening?”

I just shake my head. I don’t blame him. It hurts that he left me, that he left us… but I don’t blame him.

“It’s okay Giles, it’s past now.”

“I know that, but I want to be here now, for you… for all of you, and that includes Faith. Now just trust me Buffy, and go to her. Please?”

And how can I refuse an offer like that? It makes me smile in a way that I haven’t found to smile in days. In a way which I didn’t believe I would be able to smile again. And it doesn’t feel so selfish, it feels… I don’t know? Right?

“Okay, I’ll go… but only because you’re forcing me, not because I want to go more than anything, right?”

“Your secret’s safe, I won’t tell anyone.”

He offers me the look that always felt paternal, and draws me back into a hug. More seeds being planted that we can find a way through all of this, that if we just stick together instead of pushing people away, then it will be okay. That we can make things better.

“I won’t be long…”

“Take as long as you need.”

I give him a last smile, a perky wave, and I turn from the room. Turn to accept everything that I want, everything that I need.

I turn to Faith.

POV Faith

How hard can I punch? How hard can I push? Nothing hard enough, nothing enough to wipe the feeling from my body. Her dismissal, her lack of feeling. Her lack of anything. I push through all of it. I push through the hurt and the pain, the loss and the sadness… I am a slayer, I don’t need anyone. Or some other bullshit. Whatever. I just push harder. My makeshift punch bag standing up well to the torrent of blows I am raining down upon it. And it beats the alternative, it beats standing in front of her and demanding answers where she has none, demanding comfort that she can’t offer me. Won’t offer me.

Still too many hours, too many minutes and seconds that all smash together to leave me feeling lost and confused. Maybe torn and a little bit broken. I tried to ring Angel, tried to ring Cordy, tried to get a semblance of something other than this fucked up feeling, but all that I got was the answer machine. Leaving messages that sounded too bright, cracking jokes that sounded too forced. Fuck knows where they are, what they are doing… I just know that they are not there. That no one is there. Another reason to punch this hard, to push this hard. It doesn’t make a difference, but it stops me from thinking too much. From feeling too much.

I don’t even care that I didn’t strap my hands, that the pain is becoming more physical as I take the skin from my knuckles. Not enough to draw blood, I’m not fucking stupid, but enough to sting. To make me hiss as I keep up the relentlessness of my work out. Training for a fight that is already lost.

It’s like a rhythm I can dance to, the bang, bang, banging offering the same feel as a hypnotic dance number. Seeping through my skin, past my bones and down to my core. Keeping me standing, moving in a way that my body appreciates. Footwork perfect, arms in sync. It makes me miss the door at first. An unwelcome interruption, a beat which doesn’t sit the same. My ears hearing before my body can react, missing a punch. My head turning. And why can’t the world just fuck off?

Grabbing a towel as I head for the door, fixing a scowl that I’ll show to whichever fucker has found the time to come knocking at my door. I don’t collect encyclopaedias, I don’t wanna join the watch tower… my face says it all. Swinging the door open like I want to swing my punches. Hard and fast. Unforgiving.

“Hey.”

And slap my ass, and bring on the oxygen, cos I swear I just stopped breathing.

“You gonna invite me in?”

“Yeah, sure, of course… you wanna come in?”

And fuck hello, and all other forms of intelligible greeting, because I have nothing. Except a towel. And kinda grazed knuckles. And a look which may be surprised, or could be dumbstruck. Hell, it could just be plain old dumb.

“So you didn’t get the neighbours in for the naked dancing then?”

I see the twinkle in her eye and I wonder what I have missed. What the hell has happened between the then and the now, the thing which has her looking me straight in the eyes, and looking like she cares.

“I didn’t think you heard that B, fuck… I didn’t think you heard anything.”

“I know.”

“You know what?”

Because I know nothing. As in the kind of nothing that equals zero. It’s not a heck of a lot.

“I know that I’ve been… distant?”

“Missing in action.”

She’s following me as I back my way into the front room. All the time those eyes not moving, not leaving me. Locking me into her gaze and keeping me prisoner. It makes it fucking hard to not want to take her, to do all of the things which I have berated myself for wanting to do…

“Yeah, I guess I’ve been out of the game…”

“I don’t want games B.”

“Then what do you want?”

Holy fuck.

I feel as my knees hit the back of the sofa, as I have no where else left to go except forwards. My mouth now doing the gaping fish, trying to find words which aren’t inappropriate… which won’t make her turn and run with distaste for my desire.

“Uh… talk? Yeah… you wanna sit?”

I let my legs collapse my weight and bring myself down to sitting. Nervously patting beside me in an offer at something controlled. Just talking… working through the shit. Trying to find some comfort in the words.

“I don’t know… I could sit, sitting would be okay… but what I want, what I need?”

She is standing before me, her eyes ablaze with what I am feeling, with what I am needing… and I don’t understand…

“Buffy..?”

“No, wrong answer.”

She kneels her way in front of me, my legs parting to let her come closer. To let her run her fingers across the exposed skin of my legs, up to my thighs. Gentle circles. Testing circles. And I can’t speak… I don’t know what to say.

“I want you Faith… I need you, is that okay? Can I… have you?”

I hear the way that her voice wavers, the shakyness beneath the seductiveness… the unsurity, the uncertainty. And maybe I do understand. Maybe I know that she has fought this feeling as long and as hard as I have… this feeling that won’t go away even amongst all of the hurt and all of the pain, that is perhaps stronger now through the hurt and the pain. And there is only one word that I know, one word that means anything here in this moment. Our moment.

“Yes.”

I speak it and I feel it. As her body closes the distance to bring her lips up against mine. Such soft kisses. Reacquainting kisses. Her tongue barely poking out to taste the sweat from my lips, to taste the work out that I had just pounded furiously against the punch bag. I let my arms reach forwards to bring her into me, feeling her skin shiver beneath her top as I find a way to edge her closer. Shift my own ass on the seat to edge myself closer. I feel it as it starts to burn through me, as my heart beats faster, and the blood flows like a river through my veins. All one way traffic, heating up a centre that has been so fucking desperate to come to life. Making my hips grind against any part of her it can gain purchase on. Deepening the kiss to make it more real, more urgent. Everything that I want. And I don’t care for thoughts or petty admonishments, don’t care for voices telling me that we don’t deserve this, that we haven’t earned this, because I don’t fucking care anymore. All that I care about is here in this instant. I break the stream of the hello kisses to show her satisfaction in my smile, to offer the hoarseness that sits within my voice.

“You wanna take this to the bedroom B?”

“I wanna take you in the bedroom F.”

And I force my legs to gain feeling, to not permanently buckle from the words I have longed to hear. Standing up and in front of her, not able to stop touching her. Her eyebrows imitating mine with all sorts of hidden promise. My lips crush hard against lips, my hand sliding up to grab her head from behind, to bring her tight in against me, my tongue duelling with hers as we edge our way back. Knocking into the table and not giving a shit, reaching the doorframe and having to pause. She fits so well against it, I fit so well against her. My hands are pulling at her shirt, as my mouth doesn’t let her go. Her own hands reaching my skin first, making me hiss in something other than pain now… her lips sliding from mine to trace a path across my jaw and to my neck… sucking softly, fingers teasing flesh as she lets them travel up across my navel…

I grab at her again, pin my knee firmly between her thighs, trapping her hand against the skin of my stomach. I want to touch her too… I want to feel her too. I hear her gasp as my hands slide under her top, grazing across the expanse of her back to meet the clasp of a bra… and it’s so fucking easy, an unspoken skill as I release it from it’s burden, as I feel it go limp under my touch… my fingers slipping around, pulling myself back to give myself the room move… to bring my touch to the front of her, under the lace which I’m sure looks so pretty, to breasts which I know feel so good.

“Oh god… Faith…”

Her mouth calling me back. Her neck tipping as she exposes skin to me, as she lets the breath fall from her mouth as urgently as her words. And it’s so fucking intoxicating… making me grind harder, making me want more. And I can’t care for fucking sweet and slow, and doorframes and waiting… I slam myself hard into her, crushing her body against me as I find a way to pick her up, her legs wrapping around me in ways which insist that she doesn’t need sweet and slow either… that she just needs this.

I don’t know if I have words, if the mumblings I whisper against her neck mean anything other than the need to have her. To throw her down upon the bed and pull the top clean from my body, standing above her with my naked intent written all over me, not just in my eyes now, but in the sight of my skin. Her eyes are making all of the right comments, praising me before her mouth even opens, consuming me without the use of her lips… and I know that I smile the cocky smile, I know that my tongue traces my own lips in ways which I am going to trace hers… lasciviously… it’s a word that I love.

“You see what you want B?”

Energy crackling between our eyes, the lust so fucking plain to see. Her head’s nodding slowly as she tries to bring herself up from the position that I have thrown her down into. But I don’t want that… I want this… snaking my way up and across her, teasing her with my almost nakedness as I hold her arms firm beneath me, gasping as she raises her head to flick her tongue out at my breasts, a warm moist graze which makes my nipples ache, makes me groan in need as I lower myself down to her. I kiss at her neck, sucking harshly against the pulse which I know beats faster for me, letting it make the wetness gather beneath the only clothes I have left, no need for panties here, when a workout demands only shorts.

“Faith… oh god, let me up…I want to touch…”

And no. I silence her requests with the force of my kiss, plunging my tongue deep inside her mouth, feeling her teeth, feeling her own force as she tries to gain back control… letting her suck on my tongue as I draw slowly away…

“Why do ya wanna get up B? You don’t want this?”

I tease her again with the sway of my breasts, teasing myself more as her mouth catches on and sucks deep, torturing both of us by pulling away, smiling my smile. And I know that wanting to touch is jack shit to do with it, I know that as another slayer she wants to ride on top… but I got here first, and it damn well makes me grin. Makes me smile some more as she recognises that I know… that the same blood scorches through my veins as scorches through hers. The fucking chosen two.

I bring her arms together above her head to free up a hand, letting it fall fast to the skin which peeks from beneath her top, ripping it away, tearing at the seams which are desperate to give… the loosened bra as easy to remove as she is to hold in place, finally feeling the joy as my flesh burns against hers, as I feel the aching touch of my nipples pressing firm now against nipples, biting my lips to stop from screaming out the feeling, the desire to slide past the niceties and just take her like I need to… to feel my fingers pumping at the walls inside of her…

“Tell me you want me…”

I grind into her as I say it, not flesh against flesh, not there yet, still cloth against cloth… still wetness pooling where it should run free… the harshness of a seam as it grinds against a straining clit… and I see her own lips biting, her eyes scrunching shut as I push down with all that I have…

“I, oh…”

Pushing harder, the rhythm as obvious as our connection, binding us in the moment, her hips meeting mine in a desperate bid to feel more, and I’m so sick of restraints now, of clothes keeping us in, when all I that want is to get out. To break free.

“Say it for me…”

Breathing it out into her ears, as my hand travels down to find a zip, to wrestle a button, to hear her own gasped reply as my fingers slip against the warm feel of heated panties, moist through with the proof of everything that she wants.

“I want you Faith, god… I so want you…”

And it’s so fucking hot to hear her saying it now, and god, it makes me want so much more. I wanna hear those tones stoking my lust in the same way that her skin is burning me like fire, desperate to hear that pretty mouth speak to me everything that she needs… how she needs it. I pull myself back to make the room to manoeuvre, to give my hands every space needed to strip her of the pants that constrict my way, that hint at the dampness without revealing the wetness. And I want the wetness, I wanna fucking drown in it. Wanna dive so god damn deep that I never hear the sounds of the real world again. My words are coated in throatiness as I speak, practically growling it out into the softness of her neck, pulling back to find her eyes…

“Tell me what you want B…”

Letting go of her arms as I travel back down her body, my mouth pouring urgent kisses across her flesh, sucking at the pinkness of the nipples which are reaching up to meet me. Finding a path across her stomach and then breaking away, looking into those deep green eyes again, pleading with her, longing for her words…

“Tell me how you want it…”

Lifting her ass like an expert as her pants take the trip down, her hips rising to accommodate me, yet her mouth clamping shut, her eyes wide as she shows me her vulnerability. As she struggles to find the words I need to hear.

“Tell you..?”

And it makes me pause in my movements, makes me slowly slide my skin against hers as I make my way back, until we are laying together, length to length, all points of contact screaming at me to take. My breathing harsh in my throat as I seek to control what I’ve never been so good at controlling… “Please Buffy…”

My eyes locking tight into hers, trying to offer promise, trying to set her free. “…tell me.”

I let my hips remind themselves to grind again, nudging her onwards, feeling as her hips strike the same. Just panties and shorts. Hearing as our breathing becomes heavy and heated, almost losing the will to have more, so fucking good it feels just sliding against her like this. As I raise myself up onto elbows I feel the ache growing heavier as my breasts graze against hers again, and it’s enough to almost have me crying out… almost, but no… oh fuck, keeping a lid on it, dipping down to taste her lips again, her mouth so hot and wet for me. Her whole body in tune with me.

“I want you… uh…” Letting my hand travel down across her sweat covered stomach as I predict the outcome of her unspoken request, her breath hitching over and over as I rub a rhythm across the front of panties that have soaked themselves through with need. Teasing the edges, touches so close, yet remaining so far.

“Do you want this..?”

Just underneath, just the beginning of tightly trimmed curls pulling me closer, hips bucking harder demanding that I give. That I take. But I want the words, I want her voice telling me that she wants me to…

“God Faith… please… fuck me, please…?”

And I let that tone in her voice be all that I’ve ever needed to hear, ripping the slight cotton panties from her body to remove the final barrier, my hand cupping her fully just to catch everything that she has for me, pooling in my palm, the heat in her pussy burning my fingers as they touch. And I lose words again, don’t even know what my voice is speaking, no chance of hearing what it is that she says… I heard all that I needed and now I have everything that I wanted… sliding lips apart as she hisses against my shoulder, so soft, so gentle… I think I exclaim at her wetness, cos she is so fucking wet for me, her clit standing taut as it begs me to touch… round and around, back and forth, knowing that harder is what she desires as her own fingers clench tight against my back… as her words becomes hitches, sighs, moans…

“Faith…”

Over and over, my name on her lips.

It urges me to go deeper, to slide down, to find an entrance to the girl that I’ve never stopped loving, so open to me now… legs spreading without any request, hips bucking as I push my way into space that I swear was made just for me… so fucking tight, and so fucking wet, clenching against me, pulling me in… and I’m fuckiing living it, my whole god damn being centred upon her centre, my existence nothing past the feel of her pussy widening to accommodate my touch, another finger… another sigh, another breath which calls my name…

“God B, you feel so fucking good…”

Speaking words I can’t hear, just sounds, just visions… trying to focus on her eyes as they strain to stay open, all my strength needed not to just lose it here. I widen my touch as I thrust my fingers further inside, her response all kinds of eager as I fill her completely… her own cries of god, of so fucking good. Harder and faster, reality passed as she bites down on my shoulder… as her teeth make me buck my thigh hard against my hand, reaffirming a rhythm so deep. And I know that she’s there, I know it as much as I feel it, sliding through me, ripping through me… her body going wild against mine as I hook my fingers against places that I know they’ll work best, my whole arm screaming with the force of her contractions, her mouth fucking screaming as she gives up her all. Exploding against me, around me… the world spinning as I pound harder, as I beg for more… words, sounds, fucking pleading with her to give me everything…

“God Faith…”

“Yes Faith…”

“Harder Faith…”

I hear it all, I give her it all. Her legs wrapping so tight around me as she rides out the climax, my heart pounding in my ears, moans falling from my lips at will. Feeling the throb and taking it slower, sliding to gentle as she pants out my name now, as her eyes lock into mine again, and I show her the way down, softly, smoothly down. Speech nothing as meaningful as the look that we are sharing. As the thing that I am feeling. And I have to kiss her. My fingers buried knuckle deep inside her pulsating pussy, and I have to kiss her. Have to taste the lips which made me take her, have to show her how god damn much this means to me. How much she means to me. Invading her mouth with my tongue in a final act of penetration. Of love. Not scared of crushing her beneath me, just needing her to touch every part of me. Needing to prolong this moment for all that it is worth.

Until it slows, until my heart beats in a way that lets me hear again. Until lips tickle me softly with kisses that are verging now on innocence, until I feel safe enough to release myself from her, sliding my fingers free. And I catch her little moan, the soft sigh that drips from her lips as my hand pulls away. And I kiss her again. Reassurance for both of us. That’s just how it feels.

I roll to the side to allow her to breathe, to allow me to see… her face, her body, the flush that sits in sheen against her skin. So fucking beautiful. She is so fucking beautiful, and I have to tell her. It would be wrong not to tell her.

“You’re beautiful B, you know that? You are so fucking beautiful…”

Her eyes sparkle for me and the corners of her mouth rise up into a smile. “No Faith, that was beautiful… god was it beautiful.” She grins at me mischievously, her lips twitching, her smile stretching. “And uh…pretty wicked cool?”

And I laugh, or I chuckle, fuck knows what it is. But I smile and I nod and I speak. “Yeah B, wicked fucking cool.”

My back hits the bed as I roll over more, staring up at the ceiling and wondering if I can see heaven from here. Knowing that I feel it as she rolls her body close to mine. Nestling against me… fingers tickling a way across my own sweat sheened skin.

“Did you notice..?”

“Huh?”

“You’ve still got your pants on!”

And this time I know that I full on belly laugh. How fucked up is that? I guess I just lost track of my own pair of pants.

“I’m still taking it slow B, don’t wanna go too fast, ya know..?”

I tense my stomach as her fingers ease their way across, circling my navel, dipping inside the shorts which I should have lost ages ago. Teasing me, taunting me…

“So… did you want to lose them, or is that ‘too fast’, cos I’m all for the slow, if that’s what you want?”

I want her.

“Is that what you want Buffy?”

Cos I can play this game too. I fucking invented this game. Not prepared for her answer. Not prepared as her eyes take on a look which surprises me, her mouth giving out a heavy sigh which reminds me that this moment isn’t every moment, that the world still exists after all. As if the air suddenly blows with an unwelcome chill, as if somehow reality just pricked at her consciousness.

“I do… you know that I do… but can we… I don’t know, can we talk Faith? I just… is that okay, for a while… can we just talk for a bit?”

“Whoa… you got your rocks off and now you wanna talk?”

My teasing tone doesn’t stop her now solemn nod, and I know that my body should protest, fuck it, I know that every damn part of me should protest… but I can’t. I may be the horniest damn girl in this whole existing world, but at this moment I’m also the happiest. My smile sliding wide across my lips as I nod my head to confirm it. Yes I want her, yes I want those teasing fingers to show me everything that they’ve got, I want my mouth to travel that hot as fuck body and bury my tongue deep inside the pussy which I’ve only just met… but I don’t know. Hearing her words, it just touches me. More than touches me. Because in her tone I hear my own hidden sadness, in her tone I hear my own hidden need. Not for sex, for fucking, but for us. To share the things that only we can share. To share the things that I have needed to share since the world went to shit in a basement. We have a lifetime for us, for me to get my rocks off, we are the lucky ones… but now this moment is for ta lking. For healing.

I hear her words and I get that. And I want to talk. I want to make it better with more than touches. I let my hand go to hers to steady it in its movements, knowing I won’t be able to talk for long if her fingers don’t stop in the downward spiral they seem so intent upon travelling. Rolling again to bring us both onto our sides. Face to face, body to body. And if it didn’t sound so fucking soppy, I guess I’d say heart to heart.

“We can talk as long as you need to B, as long as we need to.”

Her smile is all the reward that I need right now. Calming my pulse, soothing my body. Clearing my head as I make the room to hear her words, as I make the room to form my own. I glance to the window and appreciate the onset of dusk. We have all night and I plan to use it well. To talk it out, to sound it out, to say everything that needs to be said to make the world quiet. To give me the hush that I need to tell her the truth of everything. To tell her I love her, and to hope that it helps.

I know that she knows it, feels it too, her sated smile shining with it. But I have to tell her. As I look across into eyes that stare deep back at mine, I can’t wait to tell her. To say the words which I hope can begin to make it all better.

Chapter 28

POV Buffy

She looks so deeply into my eyes, and I see everything that I need to know there, everything that tells me I can speak anything that I need to, can say anything and she will still be here. That she won’t leave me, no matter what, because she loves me. I can see it, and I can feel it. In the way that she touches me, in the way that her hand is steadying mine to stop the tremors from ripping straight through me. It calms me, it soothes me. It has me catching my still racing breath to turn the crazy stream in my head, into words. Grabbing at all of the thoughts to order them, to try and begin to make sense of them.

“Hey, come on… talk to me B.”

And her smile. Jesus, her smile. Does she know how soft her mouth is, how the tugging corners of her lips, tug straight at the strings to my heart? Making me love her too, wondering how I ever did anything other than love her.

“I don’t know where to start, I don’t know if there is a start… everything just, how did everything go so wrong Faith?”

“You’re asking me?”

“Do you have an answer?”

It makes her smile seem sad, and I know that I mirror it.

“Not a one.” Her sigh brings her chest out to touch mine, a shiver running through me. “If I had the answers B, then none of this shit would be happening.”

“I feel so useless… I feel like everyone is looking to me, everyone depending on me, and it’s too late… what can I do now, when I’ve already let them down?”

“You didn’t let them down.” I go to speak, but she narrows her eyes to stop me. “No way, if anyone let them down then it was both of us. Me AND you girlfriend, there’s no way you can claim this all for yourself…”

“But you weren’t even here when it started, Wills with the magic, and me… if I hadn’t, if I didn’t…”

I can’t get the words out. Can’t bring myself to speak his name, not here. Not in this bed with her. Not when her hand is rubbing so smoothly across my arm to try and give comfort to me. He has no place here, yet I still need to say it. I close my eyes on the words as if I can stop myself from seeing what they bring to her face. Disgust, distaste… pain. “…if I had never gone to Spike, I know Faith, I know this wouldn’t have happened…”

“Stop it.”

Her hand caresses my cheek, runs light across my ear. “Open your eyes Buffy, there’s nothing I don’t want to hear.”

“But…”

“No buts, I don’t like it, fuck knows I don’t like it… but you don’t have to hide from me. I hate it when you hide from me.”

“Maybe I’m hiding from myself.”

And it’s the truth. No one can hate what I did more than I can. No one can feel it inside the way that I do. Burning within me. Cursing me with the memories of every moment that he touched me. That I let him touch me. So wrong, all so god damn wrong.

I bite on my lip to stop a tear. No tears, not yet. Not already. Because I do have to try at strength, even here I have to try, because if I stop trying then I know that I won’t make it. Giving up is so close, so tempting, so I bite to stay strong. Pulling my head back as her lips come in close, as she tries to take it away with kisses that make it feel better.

“No Faith, you can’t kiss away the truth. You can’t take away what I did.”

“I don’t want to take it away, I just want to stop it from hurting.”

Her voice hoarse and heavy. Such honesty she gives me. And I do allow a second of respite, delighting in the way that I feel when she touches me, when her lips press soft against mine. Not believing that I deserve it, but yet still crying out for it.

“You know that Red didn’t mean what she said, right? She’s pissed at herself B, she didn’t mean any of it.”

“Maybe… maybe not. It doesn’t matter, I let her down.”

“WE let her down.”

Bitch. Whore. Liar. Wrong.

“She trusted me, they all trusted me.”

“And they still do.”

Your fault, you did this! Screamed at me, my arms burning with the effort of holding her back, my clothes as sticky with her vomit as they were from the sweat of all of the fighting.

“No Faith. She won’t let me near her… I think, god… I think that I’ve lost her as well, not just…” And it hurts so bad to say her name. “…not just Tara.”

Tears falling now because even I am not that strong. All of it a lie. One girl with the strength? Well where is that girl? I don’t even remember that girl.

She pulls me in close and whispers silent shushes into my hair, her hand tripping lightly across my back as I shake against her. As I feel her own breath coming ragged with the sadness that she shares.

“You know B, I never even thought that she could do that… man, if I had thought it, if I had felt it…I wouldn’t have tried to pull away, I would’ve let him take me… I just didn’t…” Her sigh blows cool air across my neck. Makes me pull back, makes me forget my own pain for a second. “…I didn’t know. How could we have known?”

“We should have known. It’s our job.”

“Our job is shit. All of it is shit.”

She rolls from her side to find her back again. Those eyes which she doesn’t look to wipe streaming tears which run in rivers down her cheeks. No sign of those dimples now, of a soft mouth making smiles.

“I always wondered B, fuck it… since the god damn beginning of this ride, I wondered, from the minute I heard about you… was I good enough? And I tried so fucking hard to prove it, fighting like a bat out of hell to prove it… and look at us now?”

“You were always good enough.”

Her eyes don’t move, she doesn’t move, looking at that place on the ceiling that assures her of how good she isn’t.

“No way, I figured that out soon enough… saw what you had and knew I could never be that good…” She lets out a laugh which hurts me with it’s bitterness. “…and the real fucking joke is that I couldn’t be bad enough either.”

I try to move closer, I need to touch her. “All of that was a mistake Faith, you know that, I know that…”

“A mistake? Nice word. Nice lie… it may have started out a mistake, but don’t kid yourself that I didn’t know what I was doing afterwards, that going to the Mayor wasn’t anything other than thought out. Twistedly fucking thought out.”

“It doesn’t matter now.”

“Yeah, it really does, because that’s my point… I have never been good enough, I can’t believe that I thought it could change… that I could change.”

“But you have changed.” I see her skin flinch as I run my fingers across her. Her eyes flying from the ceiling to burn deep into mine. Her eyebrows arching in a way which doubts everything that I have said. So I say more. “It was you that even gave us a fighting chance… this would have ended long ago without you, and we wouldn’t have just lost Tara, all of us… Dawnie, I know I would’ve lost her, we were easy pickings for evil… you changed that.”

“But I still wasn’t good enough.”

My heart breaks with each tear that won’t stop. Because I know this feeling so well, the feeling of losing people, of every death laying heavy on your conscience, faces which float before closed eyes as you try to sleep at night. Of believing that everything you do will never really be good enough. I bring myself closer to her to speak it to her face, half across her and raised up on an elbow, staring down at her, making her see me… begging that she hears me.

“When I first got here Faith, do you know that I tried to walk away?”

“Huh?”

“Honestly, I swear it… I didn’t want this gig, anymore than the next girl, I wanted makeup and shoes… maybe a boy, a place on the cheerleading squad… but not this duty, this calling. So I tried to turn my back.”

But still her eyes doubt me.

“Ask Giles, he’ll tell you… I was an all American pain in the ass. And do you know what changed that?”

I see the flash and the twinkle as the Faith I know and love tries to break free, her mouth clamping to shut as she decides that I don’t need smart comments, that this isn’t the time to brush bad stuff away with banter. Instead just shaking her head, imperceptibly almost.

“It was Wills, she went off with a vamp… and I knew I had to fight, knew I could never be free of this, that I could never stop fighting no matter how much it hurt, no matter how bad it was, how crap it made life…”

“But you saved her right? You were good enough, you did your duty, got a slap on the back… it’s not the same…”

“No, I saved Will, but I lost someone else… Jesse.”

“Who?”

I remember the boy that still haunts me at night. A boy we don’t mention, a boy we all remember. Their friend, and the first one that I lost here. I could never forget him.

“He was Xander’s buddy… a good guy, a sweet guy. And I didn’t save him… not even close. They turned him Faith, they turned him and they set him on us, so no… I wasn’t good enough.”

“But you got better, you got good…”

“You really need to read up on your Buffy history, you know that?”

I try for a smile, try for something which might make her smile back. Not working though, her sighs and her tears still taking precedence over anything light.

“I tried to walk away again…” I let out a soft laugh as I remember how much I wanted to run. How scared I was. “…I begged mom to take me away, they told me I was going to die and all I wanted to do was to run.”

“Normal reaction B, no shame in being scared.”

“But I was the slayer, I had no place running… so don’t ever even think that I’m some kind of hero… I stayed because I had to, I died because I had to, not because I was good enough, because I was any better than anyone else.” And it is the truth. The first time I had died I had surely not wanted it. Given the chance I would have fled as far from Sunnydale as was humanly possible. Super humanly possible.

I watch as her tongue flicks out to moisten dry lips, as she finally brings her hand up to wipe at her tears. Her chest rising as she sucks in another of the breaths which releases as a sigh.

“Makes you wonder why the fuck we even bother…”

“Because we can’t save them all, but we can still do our best.”

“I hate my best… it just never seems good enough.”

“It was good enough when you helped Dawn, me… it’s like Giles said, this isn’t our fault… doesn’t matter how crap we feel now, how useless… it’s evil’s fault, we just have to carry the burden.”

“Yeah… the job really is shit.” And her mouth does twitch a tiny bit for me. The deep brown of her eyes letting me fall fast inside for a moment, not blocking me with more tears. With thoughts of our failures.

I let my head rest on her shoulder, let my elbow collapse to bring me in close again. So many thoughts still screaming through my mind. Pricking at my conscience, ripping at my heart.

“I’m sorry I was so hard on you when you came back Faith, the things I said… the times I hit you…”

“Doesn’t matter B, it’s forgotten.”

Of course it isn’t. It hurts when someone calls you wrong, when someone calls you a whore and a liar. When they put voice to the things which haunt you inside. I can feel all of her ghosts in this room, and I know that I hurt her.

“It matters to me, I was wrong, I was stupid… forgive me?”

“You’re joking?”

“I’m really not.”

Her weight shifts underneath me and I move to give her room. Watch as she flits her gaze from wall to wall, not touching me, not resting on me, as if she is uncomfortable with what I just asked of her.

“That’s so fucking wrong, you can’t ask that…” Her hand raising to draw through her hair, her face twisting into something close to a snarl. “…Jesus, you can so not fucking ask that!”

“You don’t… you don’t forgive me?”

“Shut up B, yeah? Just shut the fuck up.”

And what happened to the safe feel of comfort? To placating tones and words of togetherness?

“‘Shut the fuck up?’ You maybe want to rephrase that?”

“No… no I don’t.” She swings her legs round and goes to sitting. Showing me her back, talking tough to the wall in front of her. “All those things that I did B… you remember them right? And we’re not talking mistakes are we? We’re talking the real nasty shit that I did because it felt ‘good’… and you want fucking forgiveness for calling me names? Are you stupid?”

“No, but if you don’t turn and calm it, I’m gonna be a little pissed…”

“I ain’t joking B.”

I dare to take the chance at touching her, at placing my small hand to her back, to her shoulder, to say the truth of the matter. What I should have said so long ago now.

“Faith, I forgave you for that… okay? I should have said it, god… I should’ve had the courage to feel it a long time ago, but don’t think that I don’t forgive you for it…” I want to say sorry again, I’m scared to say sorry again. “…turn around… please?”

“What changed?”

“What?”

She doesn’t turn, she speaks her question to the same wall. Same harsh tones.

“What changed? You didn’t forgive me before B, not when ‘I’ said sorry… so don’t say it now to fucking make me feel better, I don’t need that bullshit…”

And how do I answer that without more hurt? Without more of this pain that has us so tight within it’s hold. So firm in it’s grasp.

“I…” Yeah… I what? “…I did, but it’s… complicated.”

“Nothing’s ever fucking easy.”

“Faith, please stop? Please… turn around?”

I know my voice cracks on it, not on purpose, I want to be strong for her… I don’t want her to turn out of pity. My eyes springing leaks again as she does shift in her spot, as she turns ever so slightly to show me how much anguish can sit on her face.

“I didn’t expect it before, that was all… I didn’t, I didn’t know what to say… how to say it… I didn’t deserve…”

And I can’t make the words. I don’t understand the words. So jumbled and confused.

“You didn’t deserve what?”

“I didn’t deserve… you.”

“What the fuck?”

“I didn’t deserve you.”

She turns fully now, in fact she turns with that speed I have come to admire, with that body I have come to admire. And I have to tear my eyes away, have to hold in the gasp that seeing her again makes me take. Trying to compose myself, to speak the absolute truth of that absolute moment. It wasn’t about her, it was about me.

“When you came back Faith, god… wasn’t that just a slap in the face, seeing how good you had become…” She snorts derisively, and I refuse to hear it. Intent on making her hear me. “…and all that it did was confirm just how bad I had gotten, just how sick the things which I was doing were… all of it, not just him, but Dawn… my friends, watching you take the place that was meant to be mine…”

“I didn’t want to take your place.”

“I didn’t mean it like that… not in a bad way, in a good way… making them laugh again, giving them hope again… I felt it all, and then…”

Do I have the courage for this one? Can I speak the final truth?

“…and then, the way… the way that you made me feel, it felt wrong… I felt wrong.”

Her eyebrows are knitting so close together, such confusion at my mess of words.

“I made you feel wrong?”

“No, ‘I’ made me feel wrong… you made me feel better, and that was the hardest to accept. It wasn’t about forgiving you, it was about forgiving myself, I didn’t… I couldn’t…” I let out a sigh, a tiny little sigh. “…maybe I still can’t. But you I did forgive.”

“Oh.”

She still looks confused. Like she doesn’t understand. And I have to say, I have to be strong and brave, not for me, because I deserve it, but for her… because she deserves it.

“You made me feel… you made me feel love. I fell in love with you Faith, everything I had wanted to feel, everything I had missed since I crawled from the grave… and you made me feel it.” I draw my eyes away from her, so scared, as scared as I have ever been, my physical nakedness nothing as strong as how naked I feel telling her this. “And I knew how wrong that was, knew what a lie I was… I didn’t deserve to feel it, all I wanted and I didn’t deserve it.”

I pick myself up from the bed before she can speak to me. Finding a little space to pace across the floor, a little space to try and understand it all for myself.

“Come here B.”

Walking further away. The memory still so close… every time she touched me, every time he had touched me. A shadow across my heart as I think of just how much I am not worthy of her love in return. “I just wanted to be good enough for you Faith, I wanted to make myself good again… and now? Now I still feel less. It’s not you that’s not good enough, don’t you see that? It’s me… I’m the one that needs your forgiveness.”

“Buffy?”

I don’t hear that. I don’t stop pacing. Stamping out my refusal to let everything go.

“Will you stop, will you listen to me?”

Holding myself tense, holding myself taut. The strings of a bow, just waiting for her to come pluck me. Not giving her the come pluck me eyes though, just boring them into the floor, into the ground. Still so ashamed of myself.

I feel the air charge as she finds me, as her arms warm the chills which are seeping across my body. Not speaking to me, not yet… but holding me, holding me close as I find so many tears. For everything, for all of us. For the whole damn situation which feels worse than anything I have ever felt before. Stroking my back, stroking my hair, and promising that it is okay. Just hold on tight, it is okay. Feeling the loss as she pulls back, as air finds space between us… the fear of her leaving me like this, knowing I will never survive if she leaves me like this.

“Look at me?”

And I can’t. God knows I can’t.

“B… it’s only me, look at me, please?”

Trying to find more strength when I feel so weak. So beaten. Seeing the fall of tears which I made her cry. “I’m sorry Faith.”

“Shhh, it’s okay… just stop.”

I bite at my lip, clenching my eyes so tight to stem the flow. “I’m sorry.”

And now she smiles? She is smiling at me?

“You’re such a dope, I swear it… you are such a fucking dope.”

Her lips are on mine with the sweetness I long for, just soft, just gentle. Just for a fleeting moment until she pulls away again, to speak to me. To run her thumbs under my eyes and wipe at these tears. To wipe at the pain.

“You thought you weren’t good enough for me?”

“I know it.”

“Then you know shit B, serious… you know shit.” Her embrace is so warm as she pulls me back again. Her flesh burning against mine in ways which make my blood flow faster. Ways which affirm my life to me like nothing else. “All the time and I was eating myself up about being good enough for you… about being good enough for anyone, and you know, I think I finally figured it out…”

“You did?”

I pray that she did, that she has. That someone has the answer for us.

“Yeah, I did.” Her hold loosens enough so that her face looks into mine, so that the deep brown of her eyes has me captive in her gaze. “It’s not about good enough B, about any of the bad shit we did when we weren’t… together. It’s about here and now, about the only thing fucking mattering is that we’re good enough for each other. It’s about forgiving each other… accepting each other, it’s about loving each other.”

And can it be that easy? Can it really be that easy?

“It is?”

“Yes B, it is… it is because we say it is. It is because… damn it, don’t you know it? It is because I love you, I love you Buffy… do you get that? Do you understand that?”

It sounds like she’s pleading with me, when I thought that I was the one pleading with her. And god do I get it. Both of our doubts, our fears… our shortcomings. Our isolation. I get all of it. I understand all of it. I nod my head because I need a second to steady my voice. “I love you too Faith. I get it… I love you too.”

“And that’s good enough for you?”

“You’re good enough for me.”

Feeling it go through me with such stunning clarity. The chosen two. It makes so much sense. And I do show her the truth in my eyes now, the come pluck me feeling which is rising up through my soul, the need to affirm the greatest goodness that we have left. Not failure, not badness… but the two of us together. Nothing but strength to be found in the two of us together.

Her kisses chasing away the last of the feelings which had me crying tears, letting go of everything which told me I was wrong. The softness of lips, the feeling of fullness.

“I want to make love to you Buffy, can I do that?”

Oh god. My breath freezing in my throat with the intensity of her gaze. I have never been looked at this way, never felt this way. My body arching into hers with every affirmation that yes, she can make love to me. That she is probably the singly most qualified person on this planet to make love to me. Losing myself to the feel of her fingers sliding so gently across my skin, across the curve of my breast, making my muscles all tighten as she glides her way to my ass…

“Yes Faith… god yes.”

She sinks her mouth to mine, her body crushing into me, her pelvis grinding against me. And it stops me. It stops me so dead that I have to pull myself away from her, have to take this moment to show her just how dissatisfied I am with what I am feeling.

“B..?”

Oh you wanna look confused ‘miss still got my pants on’.

“Pants Faith… lose the god damn pants!”

And she looks down and finds a hearty sized chuckle, tucks her fingers into the waistband and shoots me a look of pure lust, absolute wanton lust.

“You sure? Cos I can keep to slow… I might fucking explode, but for you Buffy? Anything.”

And where does she find that voice, where did she learn to make her eyebrows dance like that? So suggestive as she taunts me with a nakedness so close.

“Lose the pants!”

“You getting aggressive with me?”

Turning just a little, sliding the top down across the tightest curve of ass I have ever seen. The wetness between my legs reminding me just how damn good it felt with her inside of me. Demanding that I do all that I can to bring her back to me.

“Faith…” Finding my own form of growl, of deep down huskiness.

“Yes Buffy?”

Sing songing it, her tongue running in delicious circles around her lips. And I can’t ask again, I can’t be passive when I want her so much. Crossing space before she can register my assault, my mouth crashing against hers in a desperate bid to make her mine. Completely mine. I had come here because I wanted her, because I straight out needed her… and now I would have her. My hands inside of shorts and tugging them down, finding a way to throw her to the bed like she had thrown me earlier, no time to stop and admire the pose, just aching with the absolute need to remove the last of the barriers. Almost primal in my taking of it, ripping shorts from her legs as if they were made of cotton candy…

And oh my god. Oh my good holy god…

“You’re incredible Faith… you are so beautiful…”

Knocking the wind from me. Her body just perfect in the way that it sits. From her face with the eyes that are shining right through me, to the shoulders, the breasts, the stomach which ripples as she moves herself up, the confidence with which she holds herself, the sexiest thing I have ever seen. As if she knows how good it is… and I understand now, I understand where she got that voice, what makes her eyebrows dance… she is just perfect. Letting my eyes linger as they find the prize which I covet, the junction of thighs so firm… the way that she spreads her legs so teasingly, so temptingly… opening herself up for me…

“Come here.”

But not moving, I swear I can’t move. Just one moment more, just this moment to imprint this view onto my memory so as I never forget, never forget the feeling which is flowing through every inch of my own body. I need her. I have to have her. I ache for her. Falling to my knees on the floor, because I have nothing else… my fingers almost nervously reaching out to touch… her feet jumping as I caress them in a pursuit to touch it all…

“That tickles…”

Not caring. Because I do have to touch. Her ankles so delicate, the skin across her calves so smooth… guiding me, pulling me up, making me find the end of the bed as the floor becomes too far away… glancing to see eyes which look at me so curiously, so intimately…

“I love you Faith.”

The only words which make sense as I lean down to kiss her, just the soft skin which hides beneath the bend of her knee… not stopping as I hear her intake of breath, letting my tongue rush forwards to lick at her thigh, just the tip… the slightest taste… pausing at a place I have never encountered, have never known I could want this much, never wanting anything this much…

“I love you.”

Feeling stronger with every breath, my mouth sucking at the flesh which marks the way to her hip, my own gasp falling as my breasts make contact with skin, as my nipples ache with the feel of touching her this way… the first to find the wetness which tells me that this is the right way. That she wants me to do this… that she’s loving me doing this. Kissing her navel, collecting the taste of her flesh as I make my way up, not being able to resist the pull of her own breasts, of those nipples which look so dark in the half light, so dark and so hard… calling at me to touch, to claim…

Her sighs drifting out as my fingers stroke so softly, so gently, a palm grazing, a barely there touch…

“Is this right Faith..? Is that good?”

Not pausing to hear, not stopping my mouth from wrapping tight around the dark brown of her skin, so different, so contrasting… her back arching up as I suck as hard as I can, as I take as much of this heavenly skin into my mouth as is possible, wanting to devour her… wanting to consume her.

“Fuck B… that feels so good… so fucking good…”

Her hands burying in my hair to pull me in tighter, her hips pushing up to mark me with her scent, the scent which fills the room, which breathes tight into my lungs. Pulling my head away to share the attention, another breast, another delight… fingers working hard to keep her moans falling, teeth nipping, tongue swirling. Feeling the shiver as her grip tightens on my head… demanding that I go to her, that I raise myself above her to find her lips…to give kisses, such deep wet kisses, my body forcing itself so hard against her. A rhythm unlike no other as she grinds herself up, as her pussy touches mine in a kiss I had never imagined to be this good, this intense… this so much more than heaven…

“I want you Faith…” Urgency in my tone, need fuelling my words. “…God I want you, I so want you…”

Her hand touching mine, bringing it the distance to the wetness which runs against her thigh, closing over it as she places me so firmly between her legs, the sparse thatch of hair feeling soft against my palm…

“Like this?”

Feeling the slide as my finger slips between folds, as she shows me how much pressure is the right pressure, the way that she wants me to touch her… needs me to touch her… her legs opening more as I move to see, as I cast my eyes to witness the sight of me fucking her, loving her… hips raising with unspoken want to have me inside. And I know that want, I have felt that want, and now I want nothing more than to satisfy her the same, to hear my name rasp out from that throat in tones which make me shiver with nothing but absolute desire…

“Oh fuck.”

Yes. The warmth of the feeling as I slide so easily inside of her, her hand still pressing tight against mine, her hips still bucking as she demands more from me… her voice pleading more, me giving more… two of my fingers disappearing as my eyes don’t move, captivated by the way she engulfs me… by the sight of my hand coating in her juice as I pull slowly in and out, my own private show. Her hand mingling with mine as I feel her fingers slipping alongside my own, her channel opening more as we fuck her together… still so controlled…

“Buffy..?”

Breathless, calling me, tearing my eyes away to see her.

“That feels so good, you feel so good…” Nothing able to stop the smile that those words produce, able to stop the way that I cast her hand aside, that I find the room to fill her with my own fingers… three of them buried so deep inside of her… and I forget controlled, there is no control to the way that she makes me feel… wanting to pound at her, wanting to rip screams from her lips, moans from her throat. My mouth going again to the darkness of her straining nipples, sucking as deep as I fuck her… in and out, solidly, firmly… my own demands that she gives it to me… I want her… I want everything.

“Yes, fuck yes…” Over and over as I slide inside her, my palm banging against her clit every time that her hips raise, losing anything but the feel of it… the strength in it, her fingers delving tight into my hair as she pulls me harder against her breast, riding my hand… and I want to scream myself, want to feel her… need to feel her…

“Faith… oh god…”

My pussy pushing out a rhythm on her thigh, aching with the pressure of feeling this good, of needing this much… and she gets it, pulling me to her, almost roughly, above her on my knees, the sounds of her pussy assaulting my ears, and I do scream. I scream out everything as her hand finds me, as her fingers bury inside me like I am inside of her, together… so fucking together…

“Oh yes… oh god…”

Feeling the grasp as my pussy convulses around her, coming before I even know what is happening… not able to stop the bite, my teeth from latching onto her skin as she draws more from me… my hand pushing deeper inside as I beg for her to give me the same… hips bucking, her head thrown back, my eyes catching the crease of her brow as she concentrates everything into this… and my name… my name falling from her mouth in sweet breathless panting…

“Fuck B… oh fuck… yes… oh god, Buffy…”

Her whole body tightening beneath me, the fingers inside of me making me nearly cry as she pushes them so tightly down onto the front of my inner walls, coming again as she comes for me… riding her, as she rides me. And I barely notice as her other hand slides down again, as she holds my hand so tightly against herself, my palm grinding into her clit with so much force… so much want, feeling the flood as she explodes over me… contracting around me, god… its so damn perfect… she is so damn perfect… riding it out, not breathing, just moving… just keeping this rhythm going as long as is possible… over and over, not even knowing where it comes from, how she keeps fucking me with my hand buried so deep in her pussy, how her hips can still move. Till I scream again, as my ‘oh gods’ fill the room in such honest devotion. As her cries rise to join me, her hand moving away as she trusts me to fulfil her completely, instead grasping at the sheet, flying to my hip, holding me tight a s we ride out the last of the climax… a climax like nothing I have ever felt… I didn’t know… god, I didn’t know it could feel this good. This right.

My body collapsing, her hand tearing from me as my body moves away, moves down, on top of her, covering her… my own fingers still content to move softly inside of her, my mouth finding a smile as I feel her throb all around me, shudders passing through her with every slight twist, every slight turn…

“Holy fuck B… holy fuck…”

And I don’t know if she means that the fuck is holy, but it certainly feels like something divine. Like something complete. Like something so much more than fucking.

As she pants out her last, I let my elbow support me again to find my refuge in those deep brown eyes, as I lose the ability to speak in everything that I see. Everything that I feel.

“Do you know how special that was?”

And I can’t answer, I can only move my hand again to signal yes, move my mouth to smile as she gasps at the still close contact. The soft purr which sighs from the back of her throat as she reconfirms it.

“That was special… you’re special, Jesus B… I am in so in love with you.”

“Me too.” All I can manage. And she has to be the cocky one. Always the cocky one.

“You’re so in love with you too?”

But I can do cocky. I can move my fingers slowly in and out as she tries to trip me with my words, I can watch with delight the way that it stops her teasing tones.

“No Faith, I am so in love with you.” Softly pulling my hand away as I move myself to straddle her, to sit astride the woman that I love and shower her face with kisses. To let every touch be punctuated with more and more words to confirm it. And I am never ever going to stop, I will never stop with this loving her. Her words saying the same, her kisses meaning the same. Minutes which roll into more minutes as time passes us by in a daze. What is time when you have found such love?

And it makes it so rude to hear the turn of a key in the door, the slam of the door in it’s frame. The confusion it brings.

“What the fuck?” Having her moving from her place beneath me, grabbing at a t shirt, those shorts I had such fun removing.

“You expecting someone?”

“No damn way B.”

Straining my ears to hear as she leaves me to find my own set of clothes, tossing aside torn panties to feel the roughness of denim against all of the places that are feeling so tender now.

“Cordy..?”

“Hey you, surprise!”

“Angel?”

“Yeah, surprise again.”

Oh god. What a time for a reunion. It makes me rush to find the top which is fallen by the bedside, to try at calming my hair into something which might look respectable. Still hanging back to give them their greetings. Maybe a little embarrassed to have witnesses to this. To what just a moment ago was just so intimate.

“What… I don’t… what are you doing here?”

“Now that’s no way to spread a greeting Faith, you not pleased to see us?”

“Uh… sure, really, totally cool… but what? I don’t… did I know you were coming?”

I hear Angel’s tones. That calmness. The surety.

“Not a surprise if you knew we were coming, and we wanted to surprise you.”

“Well you got me.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Me Cor? Nothing wrong… why?”

“I don’t know… there’s something, you’re glowing… Angel, she’s glowing.”

And oh god again. I know I have to go out there. I know it, yet my feet won’t move.

“I wouldn’t say anything is wrong Cordy, in fact… Buffy?”

His voice raises as he calls me. Damn vampire senses. Damn vampire noses!!

I feel my cheeks flushing in so many ways as I leave the sanctuary of the bedroom. As I confirm for his eyes what he already knew. “Err… hi guys.”

I try for perky smile. I little wave of these fingers which are still coated in Faith.

“Oh wow… I was gonna tell you it was time to saddle up Faith, I guess you already got that covered.”

“Sweet Cor, really… you been hanging at the comedy club again? I told you about that, you ain’t got the stage presence.”

“Who needs it, when my lines are so good?”

And I just wanna crawl quietly away. Maybe find a nice little cave somewhere, live out my days without those eyes which are already teasing me.

“Looks like I don’t need to ask if you missed me, I had figured on something closer to sombre…”

“Don’t fuck about Cordy, you don’t know what it’s been like.”

My feet take me to her as I hear the tone in her voice, the way that the hurt rises so quickly to the surface. I want to touch her, want to reassure her, want to do it all without it being under the studying form of their gazes.

“Come on girls, play nice.”

“She started it.”

“So mature Faith.”

“Bite me.”

“By the mark on your neck I’d say Buffy took care of that already.”

“Cordy, leave her alone…”

“No it’s cool Angel, let her bring it on…” I just shake my head as she cracks her knuckles. Catch Angel’s eyes for the first time and offer a small smile.

“Are they always like this?”

“Mostly, it’s like a love hate thing.”

“Yes, I hate her and she loves me.”

“In your dreams Prada girl.”

“This is Gucci, learn your labels slayer.”

And I shake my head again, move past them to sit myself down on the sofa. I want to get past this, get to the reason that they are here, slap bang in the middle of the night.

“Angel?”

He turns to join me, takes a seat opposite me. “So are you here for the banter or is there a deeper meaning?”

“You know me, always a deeper meaning.”

It seems our move has tempted the other two away from the friendly jibes, making them come to join us, Cordy on the couch, Faith finding a place to stand and observe us all.

“So what’s the what? You got some shit in the city you need a little slayer help with?”

“No… nothing like that.”

“So…?”

“So Faith here finally got her wish.”

I look to Cordelia, wonder at her words. Look to Faith and see the way that she is eyeing me. Hungrily.

“Not wrong there sweet cheeks.”

And does she have to give her ammunition?

“Keep it in your pants horn dog, I meant the other wish… the visionary kind.”

“No shit? You got the tinglies all for me?”

“Yes, and believe me, you in my head is just as annoying as you anywhere else.”

“Aw, you hurt me.”

“No, you hurt me… I had to take a handful of Advil just to get through the pain.”

I try and follow them, I really do. But god, can they not shut up? Just for a minute, just so I can know what needs to be known.

“Guys… seriously, can we not try at making sense for a minute?”

“Good plan Buffy, now Cordy… are you going to break the news or shall I?”

“You think I’m gonna let you steal the fun after I had the vision? Not a chance big guy!” She shoots him a wink, a soft and sexy wink. Turns her attention back to me. To Faith. “I had a vision…”

“Yeah, we got that…”

“Faith.”

She looks at me contrite. Bites her lip to keep her mouth shut.

“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted… I had a vision, it seems there’s a witch that needs a small spot of rescuing.”

“Wills?”

I feel the fear envelop me… god, if anything has happened to her whilst I have been here, then that’s it. I quit. I can’t take anymore.

“No, and wow… I really did have you pegged for a little more clever.”

“Cordy!”

“It’s okay Angel, she’s got thick skin.”

“Hey! I moisturise!”

And now I’m at it too. Drawn into the banter when all I want is to hear the truth of the vision.

“Then you need to moisturise a little more, I can see the frown lines coming…”

I reach my hand up to my head, not believing that I even listen to her. I know how caustic her tongue can be, how quick her mind works.

“Quit the shit girlfriend, what’s the deal with the witch… it’s Tara right?”

“Ding, ding… give my girl a prize!”

They share a look, a smile, and I wanna protest that she’s ‘my’ girl. I don’t though, I bite my tongue and I wait… feel something stirring in my heart, something that feels like hope. Like belief.

“Get to the facts Cor, I’ll take my prize later.”

“Seems like the big bad stinking lump of leechy can’t digest a soul with so much goodness… she doesn’t taste evil enough, I would go as far as to say not a bad bone in her body…”

“Holy crap…”

“I second that… I mean, really… Tara’s… alive?”

“Well as far as the PTB let me know, then yes… I’d say a little weak and disorientated, probably needs a solid meal or two… but yes. Alive and kicking. She needs you guys, she needs Willow.”

And my god. I don’t know what to do, I turn my eyes to Faith, see the exact same feeling… like a second chance. Like absolute jubilation.

“You up for a rumble B?”

“I… wow… like, how?”

“Simple, like I said… she’s stuck in there, the thing can’t digest her, she can’t get out… you need to get mojo girl to open up the portal, it’s your job to get her out.”

I stand without thinking, I have to feel her arms, I have to give her mine. Going to her in a rush that has us meeting in the middle, her whoops, my whoops, laughter, maybe tears. I share it all with Faith.

“Wait… tell them everything Cordy. They have to know everything.”

And that sounds a little too ominous.

“So there’s a little danger, where’s the fun without the danger?”

“Cordy, tell them.”

I drop my hand to find Faith. Feel as her fingers curl tight against mine. Nothing that we can’t face. Nothing stronger than us, than what we are together.

“There’s a chance that going in there could… uh… kill you.”

“You fucking what?!”

“I know, it’s where the headache came from I think… it’s the leech, the Hiru… the erm…”

“Hirudo Beluosa.”

“Yeah, what Angel said… it sucks out evil, it feeds on evil… if you’ve got darkness in you, then this thing is gonna find it…”

“Oh.”

I feel her hand break from me now. Watch as she goes to isolate herself across the room from me. And I won’t have it. I can’t have it. I need her. It’s where my strength is.

“Faith…”

“No B, it’s cool right? I’ve got the dark soul, you’ve got the light one… this is your gig now, I’ll just… I dunno, I’ll cheer you on, provide refreshments.”

Angel rises from his seat, goes to comfort my girl, to speak to her in the calming way which he finds so easily. “Come on kid, stop it… you know this isn’t about that. You were in the vision, you have a job to do.”

“Don’t call me kid, I’m not a fucking kid.”

“And you’re not full of darkness.”

“Then why all the worry, why the ‘tell them Cordy’?”

“Because both of you need to know what you are up against, how bad it is what you’re facing.”

I speak up, use my own voice. “We know Angel, we saw it… we can handle it, both of us, together.”

“I hoped you’d say that… and now we have to go and see Willow.”

“Now?”

I look to the clock, register the time at after midnight. Realise that yes, now is the right time. She won’t be sleeping, and she needs to know. I turn to them again, let my eyes match the honest tone of my voice. “Guys..?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I… when we get there, can I tell her? Will you let me tell her?”

Because I need to tell her. I need to be the one to tell her.

“You wanna steal my thunder? Jeez, what is it with you?”

“Please Cordy..? Please?”

“Of course you can Buffy, Cordy won’t mind at all.”

And I watch them exchange another look. See the closeness that resides there. Confirm for myself what I had already been told. It makes me smile. Everything in this room makes me smile. Hell… everything in this life is making me smile right now.

“So we motoring or what? This girl wants to get her groove on.”

“Change you shorts first Faith, they’re inside out.”

Her eyes fly down, and no they are not. Making her flip Cordy the finger, making her go to the bedroom with me so close behind. My shoes are in there. My girl is in there.

“Hey.”

“You toss me some pants B, from the closet?”

I grab a pair of jeans, tight jeans, jeans which will nestle her ass in the most amazing way. Throwing them to her, watching as she pulls off the shorts and wriggles her way into them. Letting my eyes devour every second that her flesh is on show to me.

“I look okay?”

“You look amazing.”

And her eyebrows dance again, my pulse dances again. Not moving as she saunters her way over to me, as her lips pause in the instant before a kiss.

“I love you B, you know that?”

“I know that.”

And then the kiss. So soft. So deliciously sweet. So distracting from the things which we are supposed to be doing.

“HEY! You guys going for seconds in there?”

“No Cor, thirds… give us a minute okay?”

And now laughing as she rolls her eyes at me. Places a final chaste kiss against the top of my forehead.

“I guess we should go.”

“Hell yeah B, this day just keeps getting better and better, I thought it was perfect before, now it just wicked perfect.”

“Wicked perfect?”

“Sure thing, look it up… it means really good.”

“You are such a smart ass.”

“Hot ass.”

“That too.”

“GUYS!”

“We’re coming!”

And we are. Linking hands again as we leave the room. Ready to go home, to face Willow, to bring them all together and to let them know that the world didn’t end. That the world isn’t over. And we won’t fail again.

I’m not even scared, I have never felt more brave. It doesn’t matter what Cordy says, nor the ominous tone of Angel’s voice. None of it matters. All that matters is that Tara is alive and Tara needs us… and most of all, we are going to bring her home. I am absolutely sure of it.

Chapter 29

POV Buffy

Lying in a vast empty bed, with nothing but the cold crispness of sheets to keep me company, to wrap me in an embrace which does nothing to stem the fast flow of my thoughts. I try and focus on the things which I know, on memories that are real, everything to keep my mind from wandering to the fear of the unknown, to the journey that I would have to take tomorrow. I have been to heaven, and not ever have I wanted to go to hell. But then, what is want, when you weigh it up against duty?

Laying here now, it feels like want is everything. Like my arms are aching with the emptiness of not feeling her close to me. Not having her to hold like I want to be holding her. Each second of waiting, feeling like an endless hour of unmet desire.

Darn pesky hormones! I’ll be writing sonnets soon!

I just… god, I just can’t forget the feeling of being so close to her. Of finding a level of satisfaction that I didn’t even know that I needed. And I want to feign shocked, I wish that I could, but I just feel kind of stupid… like I spent so long denying what she could mean to me, what she did mean to me, that I wasted more time than when I was lying dead in the ground. Time is precious. I’ve learnt that, I don’t want to waste anymore time.

The car journey home tonight had felt like time eternal. I was so anxious, so excited, my heart was still pounding from the recent… hmmm, exertions? Yes, from that wonderful feeling of physical exertion… that it seemed to take forever to get home. Even the walk up the path feeling like a marathon in the hot Cali sunshine. The cool air of the house had been a relief, home at last. The soft light of a lamp being all that lit the room, Giles caught in the warm glow, glasses in hand, squinting those aging eyes at another Latin text. Someone else still looking for answers. I couldn’t wait to tell him that we had one. That we weren’t beaten, not yet. He had smiled as he looked up, as he took in me and Faith.

“Girls, I didn’t expect to see you tonight… is everything, okay?”

“Oh, I’d say more than okay, G-man… I’d say it’s party time!”

He had found confused then, rising from the chair, eyes narrowing as he ran his gaze slowly over us.

“Party time, Faith? Am I missing something?”

“Hey Giles, I’m back!”

“Cordelia?”

“Giles.”

“Angel..?” It was funny to see his face trying to comprehend why we had all turned up in the middle of the night, wearing grins which clashed with every sad feeling permeating the deathly silent house. “Is there a reason for this sudden reunion?”

Turning his eyes to me, expecting sense. You would have figured he would’ve learnt by now. “Of course there’s a reason Giles! Not that we need a reason, it’s always nice to have friends drop by, especially old friends… even in the middle of the night, even when your just learning the finer intricacies of…”

“Taking a breath. Can it B, I’ve got this.”

I had flushed embarrassed, it was just so hard to order thoughts with her standing right next to me, so aware of her presence now, of the measured rise and fall of her chest. Of how her breaths had sounded so ragged in the moment before she came, gasping at air, calling my name. It was impossible to order thoughts.

“It seems we’ve got a bit of a sitch Giles, it’s a long story…”

“I had a vision, Tara’s alive, she needs rescuing.”

“Excuse me?”

“What she said Giles…” I tried again to make sense. “…Cordy had a vision, Tara’s still alive… she needs rescuing.”

And I failed again. It made me mentally zip my lips, offer a little smile instead.

“Right, thank you Buffy, most helpful… does anybody else have anything to add?”

“The Hirudo Beluosa feeds upon the darkness in the human soul, it feasts upon it, Cordy had a vision… it seems that Tara has nothing for the leech to suck upon, she’s still alive.”

It had taken Angel’s official tone to get the information out, sending Giles’s eyes wide with the news, feelings glistening as it sank through to his conscious. “Well that’s… I mean, bloody hell. That’s quite extraordinary.”

“That’s an understatement Giles, it’s fucking awesome, is what it is.”

“Quite Faith, my sentiments exactly.”

I hadn’t been able to hold it in any longer, I had thrown myself into my watcher’s arms, knowing that he would understand what this meant to me, more than saving Tara, a chance to absolve the failure. I hadn’t even heard as Dawn’s footsteps padded softly upon the stairs, bringing her down to stand in amongst us, to cast her own tired eyes in confusion around us all.

“Do you know what time it is?”

“Hey kiddo, did we wake you?”

“No… but it’s still really late… and there’s more of you.” She let a huge smile split her face as her eyes rested on Cordy. “You’re back! Oh wow, this is SO great! Not great, great, everything here really sucks… but you’re back!”

Flinging herself into Cordy’s arms, forcing the normally so hard girl, to show her softer side, the side that makes my little sister so happy. “Hey Dawn, I missed you too… I bought you a gift back, a nice pair of shoes…”

“Oh my god, you got me new shoes?!”

“With heels.”

It sealed the deal. She screamed as loud as any damsel in distress. Practically squealing. Bringing someone else into our midst, someone who wasn’t understanding a need for smiles, for anything other than tears and pain.

“What’s going on… what the hell is going on?”

“Ah Willow, quite timely of you… it seems there’s some…”

“Giles, wait.”

I had stepped forwards, gone to the stairs and waited with my hand out. Terrified as the seconds passed and she didn’t move, as her eyes refused to meet mine in anything but short harsh glances.

“Please Will?”

Cracking over the words. Feeling my throat constrict as she went to walk around me.

“Hey Red, you might wanna take a seat.”

“I can stand, I like standing… now the joke? Guys? Because I really need a joke, I really need to know what can make everyone laugh so hard, whilst my heart is still breaking… please?”

Green eyes icy cold as they did meet mine in that moment. Accusing. Recriminating.

“Oh for crying out loud! Take a seat Willow, we’ve got good news…” Cordy flicked her eyes quick to me, shrugged her shoulders in apology. “…your honey pies alive, you can stop with the heart breaking heaviness… Tara’s okay.”

“No…” Stepping back from us, her eyes flying wide, head shaking. “…you’re lying…”

Dawn’s own eyes flying wide with the news. I was going to go for more subtle, ease them in gently, give them a second to breathe. I raised my brow at Cordy, chastised her silently for breaking her word. For not letting me break the news.

“It’s the truth Red, I swear it… Tara’s okay. She needs us.”

“She needs us..? But… how, impossible, I don’t… she’s… why are you saying that? Buffy?”

And she turned to me. Maybe she didn’t think about it, maybe it was just a reaction, but she turned to me. Asked for my confirmation that the world wasn’t over. That the sun still burnt brightly, that everything wasn’t dead.

“Tara’s alive.”

“Oh goddess…”

Catching her in my arms as our pain was lost in a tight embrace, her words over and over, praising at goddesses, at gods, at anyone she could think to thank for offering her this salvation. A chance at life. She had even found enthusiastic hugs for Cordy and for Angel, no one missing out on the feeling of absolute joy. A moment that you could barely even wish for. Eventually calming, her quick mind and intelligence fighting for dominance over emotion. Needing to know the facts, needing to make a plan, not needing to hear the part that she would have to play again. Such fear in her tone as she realised what was required of her.

“But I can’t… don’t you understand? I can’t do that… I can’t do magic, I can’t open the portal… I just can’t… I can’t do it.”

“It’ll be okay Wills, we’ll be there… we’ll all be there, nothing bad will happen.”

“You can’t know that… you don’t know what it’s like, what the darkness feels like Buffy.” She had wrapped her arms tight around her own body, softly rocking, biting at her lips. “What if I can’t control it? What if I… what if I lose you? I can’t do it.”

“You won’t lose us Red… you just have to believe it, we believe in you… Tara would believe in you.”

“I lost Tara.”

“And now you have to find her… you know you can do it. I know you can do it.”

Never loving Faith more than I had in that moment. The way she had gone to her, had knelt in front of her and assured it to her eyes. Not wavering in her glance. Solid and firm. “You can do it.”

“But I don’t know how… Warren said the words, I just let it happen… he used my power…”

“We’re already on that one Willow, Wesley is bringing some transcripts we have in LA. We wanted to get here straight away, he’ll be up in a few hours… tomorrow. We can do it whenever you’re ready.”

Her head finding a slow nod. A confirmation that she would try. “Thank you Angel.”

“Don’t mention it, I owe you one.”

“You… owe me one? Did I miss something?”

I wondered the same. I couldn’t remember any old debts that needed settling.

“I do. I’ve been there remember, where Tara is...”

“And you owe me one why? It was Buffy that sent you there…”

“You sent me there with my soul. With my heart… I never would’ve made it through without that, without the spell. I don’t know what saved me, what brought me out, but I felt my soul every step of the way.”

“Oh… right, well don’t mention it! Anytime.”

She flushed a little with his thanks. Regressing back to the shy school girl that he was thanking. The fledgling witch. It softened the room, allowed us to get to the important stuff. What we were going to do, how we were going to do it. A phone call was made to Xander, sharing the good news, absolutely assuring that we didn’t need him and Anya to come over right away. That tomorrow would be soon enough. We had all heard his shouts of happiness down the phone, his excitement and his joy. We all felt it. It was crazily infectious.

Endless chatter taking us into the early hours, not long till daylight, everyone desperately needing some rest for the morning. For what we would be doing. I had cradled Dawn’s head on my lap, stroked the hair from her eyes as she strained to keep them open, to keep witnessing exactly what hope looked like.

“Come on you, I think it’s time to call it an evening.”

“But Buffy…”

“No buts, bedtime.”

And she didn’t even have the energy to argue. I would have to remember that. Keep her up all night every night, never another disagreement. Allowing her the five minutes to wrap her arms around everyone in a hug. Finally trudging the stairs with a complete lack of energy.

“She’s really grown Buffy, how’s she doing?”

“Oh she’s good Angel, well… she’s good now, ask me a couple of months ago and I wouldn’t have been able to answer. But she’s good now. She’s gonna be okay.”

“It sure helps that she has some style now.”

“Yes Cordy, thanks so much for the obsession with the expensive towering shoes…”

“You should try them, you could use a little height.”

And I bit my tongue. Just smiled sweet. I felt like I owed her a lot.

“Well it’s time for me to get going, the suns going to be coming up soon…”

“It really is isn’t it?”

Willow’s tone so hopeful, her eyes spilling with the knowledge that everything wasn’t lost.

“Yes Will, it really is.”

All of us standing then to say goodbye to them. Not knowing who the them was going to be. Whether Faith would turn to go from me. If I had the voice to speak up and ask for her to stay. I had watched as she fidgeted, as she hung back and let Cordy and Angel take first hugs and handshakes, first words of ‘see you tomorrow’. And then she had been in front of me, unsure eyes meeting mine. Eyebrows arching in a question, in request.

“So is the offer to stay, still on the table?”

“You wanna stay on the table?”

“Cute.”

“Of course it’s still there… it’s extra there.”

“It’s, ‘extra there’?”

Eyes twinkling, soft lips twitching.

“Uh-huh, look it up… it means, erm… please stay?” Because I lost witty puns, and quick witted come backs. I didn’t want them. I just wanted her. Please stay, was exactly what it meant.

“I like a girl with nice manners, all please and thank you…”

“Oh Jesus, you like girls with hot asses Faith! Now are you coming or what?”

“With you? No. I’m gonna stay here, keep an eye on everyone…”

I let my mind trail off before her words did. Not hearing them, just stepping back as they said their goodbyes. Barely registering Angel’s cool embrace, Cordy’s hand on arm. Just lost in the knowledge that I wouldn’t be alone here tonight. That I wouldn’t be lost in a bed which I didn’t feel safe in. Could barely bring myself to slip between the covers of.

“You okay Buff? It’s all pretty crazy right?”

“Yeah Will, good crazy…” Able to concentrate everything into her. Breathing softly out as she let me find her arms at last, as it felt like she forgave me a little. “…I promise we’ll bring her back. I promise I won’t let you down.”

“You didn’t let me down, it just hurt… it all just hurt.”

And I would let her say it, would pretend that she truly meant it. But we had all been letting each other down lately. This would spell the end of it. No more let downs, no more bad times. We would bring Tara home and we would all find a way back to happiness. I was hanging onto that thought so hard. Bidding goodnight until it was just me and Faith. Just her body being picked up by the still soft light of the lamp. Holding herself still, waiting for me to break the silence.

“You were great with Wills tonight.”

“It was nothing, she was just scared… I pushed her past it. Made her see what was important.”

“Well, you did it wonderfully. You know, you should like social work or something… you have a way with people…”

Raising my eyebrows as she let out a loud laugh. “No way B, what I would counsel in? Being dysfunctional?”

“I’m not joking, really… why not? You could counsel kids, maybe at the high school…”

“Whoa, back up there, I ain’t got no wish to go back to high school, in fact right now, the only wish I have is to get a shower and get to bed…”

But the thought was in my head. I was thinking it through again now. And I couldn’t see why not… I bet they employ anyone at public schools, and Wills could vamoose the little Juvenile detention thing… and jobs were important. Yes. Jobs which you don’t go to for days on end, hoping that end of the world would be a valid enough excuse to have absence. I had ignored the lure of the Doublemeat Palace in favour of trying to survive, and I knew that Faith wouldn’t be the only one having to find a job in the future.

Maybe we could work together. Maybe Anya’s idea of getting paid for slaying wasn’t really that mercenary. Cordy had told me a little about making money from Angel investigations… maybe we could do that? Maybe we could be the small town branch of the big city operation. We could liase… share resources. We could help them, they could help us…

“Hey, what ya thinking about?”

Oh how that voice makes me shiver. Instantly warming, cold sheets nothing anymore as her presence heats up my blood.

“About how incredibly much I missed you whilst you were showering.”

“Aw, that’s all kinds of sweet B. I did invite you to share…”

Eyebrows wiggling, my eyes not looking. No. My eyes are drawn to the clasp of her hand on the front of the towel, on the droplets of water that fall from her hair to run down her skin.

“Are you spazzing out?”

“Huh?”

“I asked why you didn’t wanna share?”

“Oh, right. I did… but you know, with the nakedness factor… the wet factor…” And she drops her towel. Just like that. Showing me naked, showing me wet. “…the you factor.”

Eyes roaming tight over curves, breath catching heavy with the feeling.

“You could have washed my back B, I could’ve washed yours…”

And I can’t think or function. I can only nod. Can only bring myself up to sitting as she comes closer to the bed. Feeling over dressed in PJ’s as her nakedness keeps me speechless.

“…you could’ve towelled off my hair, made sure I was dry…”

My mouth is dry. It is the only place that is dry.

“…but then I wouldn’t be able to do this.”

This? Not moving as she crawls up the space till she’s close enough to touch. Her chest rising and falling, her mouth barely open, eyes demanding that I don’t move. I won’t move. I ask softly.

“Do this?”

“Yeah B, this.”

Her smile spreading, as she leans closer. Her head shaking, water spraying. And WHAT!?

“Faith!”

Her hands going to my wrists, holding me down, spreading the freezing droplets of water all over my face.

“Ugh, stop it! I mean it… let me up…”

Hearing her laughter, the tease of her tone. “No way girlfriend, you want up, you’re gonna have to bargain… what’s it worth?”

Bargaining? I could do that.

“What do you want Faith?”

“I can have whatever I want? You mean that?”

“Anything.”

Barely a whisper, all that my voice can find. Becoming aware of her body sitting naked across me. Of the layer of clothing that is stopping me from feeling her. Catching as her gaze gets the same. As play becomes so much more than just finding fun.

“And what if I want you?”

Eyes burning so deep.

“I was hoping you’d want me.”

Not caring now as her wet hair surrounds me, cold water framing my face as her lips trip lightly to find mine. Soft whispering kisses that fall slowly across my skin.

“I want you.”

Groaning as her tongue delves deep inside my mouth, still holding me below her, aware of all these points of contact. Needing to feel her.

My breathing is erratic as she moves down my body, as she bites at my nipples beneath the cotton of my vest, as her fingers slide slowly down my arms to speed down my sides. Skin. Fingers on skin.

“Oh god, Faith.”

Her mouth so hot as it slides against my navel, following the path of those fingers as she edges the vest away. As she clears a path for me. Makes it easier to breathe, lifting my head to bid goodbye to the barrier. Smiling as she tosses the top to the floor, as she grins herself at what she sees.

“I ain’t never gonna tire of this sight B.”

Making my breasts strain forwards to feel her touch, my arms collapsing as she comes in close again. Sucking at air as she sucks at me. Fingers, lips… all of it so consuming. Burning through me, raging through me. The chill which brings shivers when she pulls back to blow a breeze, to tease my nipples into standing taut for her, growling at the sight, attacking me with renewed vigour. Those lips which were so soft, pulling so hard at my skin. Down along the sides of my body, hands reaching the waistband of bed clothes, growling again.

“Too many clothes.”

Agreeing with her. “Yes, too many…”

My ass lifting high as she seeks to remove them, pulling her body back on its haunches, tossing them aside and now just sitting. Just looking. Her eyes practically penetrating me with the intensity of the gaze.

“I wanna taste you B, I am so fucking dying to taste you.”

And I feel the spasm, feel the tremor that slides through me as she rasps out those words. God do I want her to kiss me that way, dying myself to feel her lips wrap around me, her tongue slide inside of me. “Faith…”

My legs slipping open to her as her fingers graze the insides of my thigh. Her mouth just behind, hot air falling heavy against my exposed naked pussy. “Ages I dreamt of this Buffy… how sweet you would taste, how hot…”

I know that I have to bite hard on my lip, I have to squeeze everything into not crying out in this moment. The first sensation as I feel her tongue touch me… Jesus, so good… her hands finding a grip on my hips as she teases me further open. Slowly up and down, barely there pressure…

“Oh god… more… please…”

Pleading because I have to, I need so much more.

Practically crying as she pulls away. “More? I’m just getting started.”

Raising my head to meet her eyes and seeing so much. The lust, of course the lust… but the love. It is so god damn sexy, so heat enthusing. It fills me with a confidence, the ability to speak words I would cringe at in daylight. To let my hands travel down to wrap up in her hair. To pull her tight against me.

“I need more.”

“Oh fuck…”

And yes… oh fuck. So tight against me, her mouth sucking my pussy hard, her tongue thrusting forwards to trace out harsh patterns, to apply the kind of pressure I have dreamt of so often. Naughty dreams where I would hold her face to my pussy and scream for hours as I demanded she fulfil me.

I couldn’t scream here, instead grabbing at a pillow for a breath of respite, somewhere to let the sounds get lost. My hips bucking unmercifully as I feel just how fucking fantastic it is to have dreams coming true. Almost true, knowing there will not be hours of this, already streaming down my thighs… my pussy quivering as her fingers seek me out too. Not even knowing until I feel her thrust hard inside of me. A squeal escaping, making her head break away… making me protest at the loss…

“Quiet B, gotta watch the volume…”

Her finger teasing me with it’s solid assault of firmly in and out. Accentuating each word, making it so hard.

“I… god Faith… I can’t…”

Burying my head as she touches me with her mouth again, feeling my clit disappear between lips, hard sucking, hard fucking… losing my grasp in sheets, in her hair, against the pillow… just moving, not knowing, trying to keep a hold on it… a lid on it… another finger, another thrust…

“Yes, Oh Faith… that’s it… yes…”

And more pressure. Pressure I can barely stand. Calling me out, forcing me to ride harder, to grasp harder… oh god… so close, hands so tight in hair now, holding her prisoner… yes… there…

Screaming. Not muffled by a pillow, not silenced by anything. Just this feeling breaking free. The feeling as her tongue buries so firm inside of me, drinking from me… hot cum rushing forward to meet her. And god, there is so much, my body convulsing over and over as she keeps up the feeling. Matching me breath for breath, second for second. Not stopping until I stop, until my bodily finally drops from the pinnacle she had taken me to, until my words are begging for relief, a moment to recover. To process.

“Oh god Faith… wait, please? Just a moment…”

“Mmmmm.”

Humming against the most sensitive clit I have ever felt. Making me buck, squirm. Shudder softly as more of a climax slides through me.

“Oh god, that’s… Faith… stop!”

And pulling her head away with a grasp that has stayed firm. Meeting her eyes, falling into those eyes.

“Hey, watch the hair!”

“Just shut up and kiss me!”

Because I need her kiss. I need those swollen looking lips dripping new tastes against mine. Wanting to know how seductive the taste of me on her is. How hot it makes me. How content it has made me.

“You’re being all aggressive again B, I like it.”

“I said kiss me.”

Pouting as she takes her time to follow my order, letting her still wet hair trail lines across my skin, my flesh goosing up under the touch. Kissing me all over, my whole body flaming as her lips softly claim me, as she takes her own time to meet my lips. To hold herself flush against me. And that smile again. I love that smile.

“Hey.”

“You wanted a kiss?”

“I do… I want a kiss.”

A soft chaste kiss. Placing it almost in reverence against my lips, looking at me in almost awe. “I love you Buffy.”

And my breath catching. Because she is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen, and she speaks the most beautiful words I have ever heard. Have ever felt.

“I love you too.”

But her smile says she already knows that. Of course she knows that. Her mouth kissing me harder now, sliding the new taste of me deep between my lips. And it IS so sexy, so hot. So nothing I would’ve imagined before. It makes my hips move to touch her, to place my scent all against her, my pussy demanding that I share the taste with hers. A slow rhythm, a gentle rhythm. A rhythm to bring whispered sighs, the walls still shaking with the earlier screams.

“That was amazing… is everything you do so amazing?”

Her eyes burning into me. Her rhythm pushing harder, her body tensing as she carries me away. Like a tickle at first, flesh touching flesh in just the right places. Sliding against each other, grinding against each other. And I hold on tight, bear the pain as her teeth find the place to mark my shoulder, sucking me, biting me. Her whole body tensing as her pussy climaxes hard against mine. Ragged harsh breathing. Just lying here together letting the heat of our bodies match the heat of desire.

And my brow cooling now as the time ticks by. As the sun dares to find the gap between a curtain. Illuminating the bed. Illuminating the clock. And god, it’s like breakfast time. My stomach rumbling beneath Faith as I have the thought.

“You sound hungry B…”

Her head not moving from where it lays against my shoulder still, her eyes slid to shut.

“I’m tired.”

“Mmmmm.”

“You gonna move over? Let me get some blood flow?”

“Nope.”

Her eyes still not opening, her mouth twitching. And I don’t need to ask her. I just roll her from me, onto the coldness of fresh sheets, exposing her front to the chill of morning air.

“Cold!”

And what is it with the one word communication now?

“Well get under the covers… come on.”

Lifting the sheets and taking her inside. The room not so empty with her lying next to me. The ghosts not so obvious as she pulls me in tight. Kisses the top of my head and whispers goodnight. I wanna say good morning. I say nothing. I just lay here and listen. The slow sound of heavy measured breathing. I know I won’t sleep, I still have the thoughts to order. The fear to quell. And I still have the nightmare, the sound of what lies beyond the portal. The sound of hell.

It makes me hold tighter, makes me measure my own breathing into long soothing breaths. I listen to her heart and I let it calm me. Remember the strength, the joy of a second chance. And I watch the sunrise. A sun that hasn’t died.

“Hey… time to wake up…”

A sound far away, a tickle across my lips.

“B..? Come on sleepy head.”

And my eyes slowly opening. Faith all dressed, all full of smiles. All of it for me.

“Hey you.”

“Hey yourself.”

“What time is it?”

“Not too late, just after ten, everybody’s up.”

“I didn’t mean to sleep.”

Her lips pressing softly against mine as she keeps up the smile. “You needed to sleep, I wanted to let you sleep.”

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you.”

I show her a little confused, after all, I haven’t done anything.

“For letting me stay B, I’ve never been much of a stayer, I kinda liked it.”

“You ‘kinda’ liked it?”

Losing myself in the taste of minty fresh as she shows me just how much ‘kinda liked it’ means. It feels like a lot, it feels like I never want her to leave again. It feels so good as my fingers seek out the places that she has covered with clothes, teasing across the skin of her back, making her gasp out restraint.

“You better quit that girlfriend.”

“I had? Cos I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Unless you wanna give the neighbours a second listen of the slayer sex show, then yeah… you better quit.”

And what?

“The neighbours?”

“You screamed pretty loud… hell, I think I may have screamed pretty loud.”

“Oh god… oh my god.”

My gaze falling to take in the room as I remember exactly where I am. Who’s bed I lie in. “Wills is going to kill me!”

“Nah, I think she’s kinda impressed, way too excited to care about bed swapping.”

And I do stop the fingers from travelling, lifting myself up to sitting as I consider death from embarrassment. It feels like a valid option. Way better than getting myself up and facing their glances.

“My god, what about Dawnie..? Could I be a worse sister? She’ll think I’m a hussy!”

“No way, she’ll just think that you’re happy. Don’t knock it, the kid needs to see happy.”

“I don’t think she needs…” And what were her words? “…a ‘slayer sex show’, I’m pretty sure she can cope fine without that one… I mean, I barely have the money for the house, I can’t afford therapy!”

“She’ll be fine, trust me. Knowing that her sister gets her naughty on, it isn’t the worst thing ever… at least I have a pulse, right?”

And I can’t believe she just said that. Eyebrows all teasing, finding a banter that makes things okay.

“Yes, Faith. You have a pulse… plus a great pair of breasts, a hot as hell ass… I’m sure her counsellors will be ecstatic, I’ll get sister of the year.”

“You like the breasts B? And the ass?”

“You’re missing the point!”

But maybe I’m not. I’m just falling into her eyes as she slips the cover slowly down over my body, as she exposes my skin to the cool feel of the morning air, her grin spreading ever wider. Not touching, just looking, making me flush from the study.

“You see something ‘you’ like?”

“I told ya B, I ain’t ever gonna tire of this view.”

Smiling at her words, squealing as she jumps up and pulls the covers straight from me. “Faith!”

“What?” So innocent. “You gotta get up, the others are on their way, it’s a busy day B, you can’t spend it in bed.”

“I’m gonna get you for that.”

“I can’t wait.”

Her eyes just dancing for me, laying herself back and watching me gather up my discarded garments. And I’m trying to ignore her, trying to put my clothes back on with all sorts of dignity. Pulling a brush through my hair, tying it up in a ponytail.

“Okay, I’m done. You ready to go down?”

“You are feeling naughty, I like this B, all demanding and wanting…”

And THAT was innocent! I wasn’t even thinking about that kind of thing, no. Not her lips on me there, her lips on me everywhere. No no no!

“Zip it, seriously… can we get through this morning without descending into naughty talk? Please? For me?”

“But you said it, I was just waiting on ya getting dressed, you asked if I was ready to go down, you can’t turn this one on me Buffy, pretending at coy…”

And I know I’ll never win. Maybe I don’t want to.

“Okay, okay, I’m the wanton hussy, you’re the epitome of innocence… now can we please descend the stairs in a manner befitting… uh…”

“See? You can’t even think pure thoughts about stairs. I’m gonna have to watch you, threatening my virtue.”

“You’re an ass.”

“And you wanna kiss me, makes you an ass kisser! Are you proud?”

“I do NOT want to kiss you!”

And I back slowly towards the wall as she stalks me, coming closer, that tongue just grazing those lips, a growl resonating heavy in her chest. Pushing up against me, a hairs breadth away.

“You don’t? Cos I was wanting a kiss… just a little kiss.”

Her lips so tantalizingly close, so full. So moist. So…

“Guys! Giles said downstairs NOW!”

So Dawn.

“Okay Kiddo, I’m just fighting off your sister, won’t be a minute.”

“Faith!”

“What? It’s the truth, I saw the way you were looking at me.”

And I catch her wink, and I flip her the finger. Try and steady my breathing as she turns from me and opens up the door. Exposes me to the sight of my sister with her hands on her hips.

“Dawnie, good morning…”

“Huh! Don’t even bother Buffy. You are SO lucky that mom isn’t here to witness what you have been doing in her bedroom… she would freak.”

And I hadn’t even considered that one. Was still chastising myself for the delight I had found in Willow and Tara’s space.

“Oh god, I’m sorry Dawn, I didn’t mean… I mean, I didn’t…”

“Leave it, it’s no problem, I just wanted to see your face.”

And she smirks at me now! Is it the world against Buffy? I try and find the dignity again as I bring myself to stand in front of her. As I wonder at the faraway look that has taken over her face, the sadness that creeps so softly into her eyes.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Uh-huh… I was just thinking, if mom WAS here… I think she’d be happy. Not with the doing stuff in her bed, but you and Faith. I think she’d be happy.”

Tears welling in my eyes to match her own. Just this second. Just a moment for mom. I reach out and offer her the feel of my arms, hold onto the youngest in our family. We have to be strong today, we have to make it through and we have to succeed, at the very least so as I can make my sister happy again. That would make mom happy, if I made Dawn happy. I get that now. I want that now.

“Come on, lets go down.”

Travelling the stairs to meet the others, milling about, finding breakfast. Easy speak, excited speak. So much expectation in the air.

“Ah Buffy, you’re up at last… I take it you slept well.”

“Yeah, great thanks Giles…” Seeing the look, feeling my flush. “…oh god, was anybody asleep?”

“You didn’t give us much choice, the walls are thin, you should remember that.”

“I will, don’t worry.”

The backdoor opening, Xander and Anya walking through, so many more hugs as the excitement builds, as the hour approaches. Just waiting for the final few. The ones with the words. I go to sit in the front room, affix my eyes to Wills as she affixes hers to the door. Also waiting. Her gaze not moving until we hear the car pull up, jumping up to open the door, to greet Cordy, to make room for a rushing Angel with a blanket to protect himself from the sun. And then Wesley. And then…

Well. I don’t know who she is. Fred I assume, the girl I had heard of… and another one? A man, all muscles and attitude. God, how many of them are there in LA? I thought that we had the biggest gang of misfits.

I let Angel do the intro’s and put on my perky voice to admit these new people into my home. They are here to help, they feel like family. It signals the start of loud voices, of war calls and of chants. Of plans and of direction. I tune out a little, the plans don’t matter so much to me, to Faith… all that matters to us is the fight, the going in, and the getting out. The bringing Tara with us. I catch her eyes as I flit round the faces, eyes which are staring at me, studying me. Eyes which make me smile over all of the battle speak. Eyes which keep on saying the same thing.

‘It’s all going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay.’

And I believe her. I believe in her. Everything IS going to be okay.

Chapter 30

POV Faith

It had been so damn good to be surrounded by so many faces that felt like my friends, all of the gang from LA, and all of the gang from Sunnydale. Or nearly all of the gang, the gang minus the one. The one that had brought us all together in the first place. One that was so fucking good, that the most evil of evil couldn’t bear to take a bite out of her. Not a chance, and we should have fucking known it. Hell really ain’t no place for a girl like her, we were gonna prove it, we were going to bring her home.

Listening to all the voices that had worked out the how’s and the why’s had sent me close to crazy, I had no time for all of that, I knew the deal, I knew that come the end of the day it would be me and B, and no one else, going straight through the portal to hell. And I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to say that the thought didn’t terrify me a lot more than slightly… but I had her eyes, and in her eyes I saw all kinds of belief. Belief which made me strong, belief that had me feeling like I would always be good enough. Forget the past, this was the present, and I was damn sure ready to get fighting the fight.

It was Willow who was the shaky one, the one pouring her gaze over rolled up texts that meant nothing more to me than something I didn’t need to know. But I get what it meant to her. Watching as she and Fred spoke in hushed tones about the validity of opening the portal again, about how they could do it without too much of the bad stuff, without freeing the very thing which we had fought so hard to keep caged, without letting loose the hell onto the earth which we were meant to protect. It was all mumbo jumbo to me, talk of sacred circles and of protection, when I had all the protection that I needed in the weapons which sat in my grasp, and in the girl that sat at my side. I tried to be helpful though, tried to offer reassurance in the way that Buffy seems to like so much, being there for her friends. Being strong.

“Hey Red, you got the words all hashed and rehearsed?”

“I don’t… ugh, I don’t know. I need more time.”

“Shame that the time’s the one thing that we don’t have, come on… your quick study girl, I KNOW you have it figured, and you have Fred to help you…”

“I know, I know, it just seems so… big? So everything resting on me.”

“I know that you’re up to it. We all do, wouldn’t ask if we didn’t know.”

She had looked up then, sat back from the endless reading and offered me her gaze, the green eyes shining with no trace of the darkness. And I wanted it to stay that way, hated that she would be doing the magic again so soon… just hoped beyond all hope that she could harness it all. That her power for the good was as strong as her power for the bad. It had to be. We were counting on it. I shifted a little in my seat as she kept her eyes firm, a smile daring to find her face in amongst all of the heavy shit.

“You’re getting too good at this encouragement stuff, are you sure you weren’t a cheerleader in high school Faith? Pretending you were wrestling the gators, when all of the time you were honing your cheering skills on a precariously balanced triangle of girls?”

“Not a chance… although, there were these girls this one time…”

“There was?”

Laughing out loud as B stared me down with a disbelieving look. “Sure thing girlfriend, all short skirted, shaking the pom poms, it was a wicked cool time, way better than the gator story.”

“Well maybe you can share that one after the doom of today Faith, I think Willow needs to be concentrating on the spell, not losing her thoughts to tales of debauchery.”

“Oh come on Giles, where’s the fun without a little debauchery?”

I had let my eyebrows do the talking as he shook his head in that distinctly British way. Well he couldn’t fool me, I bet he’d had more than his own fair share of debaucherous times. He has a little twinkle in his eyes which assures me of it. I see it and I had winked to show him, laughed again as he just shook his head. As he returned himself to the deep and meaningfuls with Angel and Wes.

I had just wanted to take a break from the sombre, it couldn’t all be sombre, we were bringing our girl home today, surely that needed a little of the light, a little of the smiles to ease up the frown lines. And so what that we had to go back to the place where it had all begun? Back into a basement which chilled me to the bone with the very thought of what lay there, the nightmarish memories of the place where she was trapped. Well fuck the chills. Fuck the basement. I was a slayer, I was stronger than any damn chills and any damn nightmares.

The strength had me hanging tight to Buffy’s hand as the warriors had made their way from the house, me and B to fight the fight from the inside, and the others following behind to either work at the magic, or to beat back the tendrils which we expected to shoot forth. That we knew would shoot forth. Even my tongue falling mute as the seriousness finally approached with such heart pounding clarity. Standing outside and counting the troops. Final words to make it seem like just another day, just another duty. Just another, ‘oh look, here’s the end of the world’…again.

“So we’re all ready? Everybody knows what they have to be doing?”

“Sure thing Giles, me and B are storming the portal… you, Fred and Red are working the words, and Gunn, Wes and Xander are flinging the swords… not so much to remember.”

“I just want to make sure, this isn’t a joke Faith.”

And that had stung a little. That he could think that my words, no matter how flippant, could reduce this moment to a joke. My heart was thumping hard in my chest with the weight that my shoulders were carrying, and so the fuck what if I tried to lighten that with a tone which hinted at fun times, with easy flippancy. I knew as much as anyone how much this meant. Everything that it meant. It made me turn in harshness towards him, made my voice growl as I spoke to him. At him.

“I know it isn’t a joke, I’m a fucking slayer, you think I can joke about that?”

Because there may have been a time, but that time was so long past. So distant to me now. I had seen him straighten up, drop his eyes, seen Wes as he took a step back from my ferocity.

“Hey guys? Calming breaths okay? I don’t think that now is the time to be splitting the ranks.”

“Yeah, whatever. Sorry B, guys… whatever.”

Letting my own gaze drop to the floor as they started to speak again. I had just wished that the sun wasn’t shining, that Angel could have been here to fight at my side, always so much calmer with him at my side. Instead I had looked up as Willow sought my attention, just a slight touch against my arm, a slight whisper that it was okay… that she got it. And that did make it okay. Made me pull my shoulders back again, made me reclaim the command that was so obviously mine and Buffy’s. Not an aging watchers, nobody’s. Nobody’s but ours.

“Okay, can we get this show going? Someone has to be first through the hatch, I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that it’s gonna be me.”

Not waiting to see if that was okay with anyone, just pulling back the doors and opening up a basement, same old place, just chock full of the fucked up memories. The place where she had been held, the place where she had found her voice, the place that she had disappeared. It was all still there, looking the same, feeling the same. But not the same. We wouldn’t freeze this time. We would hold our heads high and beat the evil back into oblivion. We would wrestle our girl away from whatever held her, and we would do it all with a smile on our face.

I found a wall to rest against as they set about marking out the circle which would hopefully hold Willow and her power, trying so hard not to think about where I would be going, the things I would hear, what I would see. It didn’t matter right? I was strong. My eyes not glancing to the far wall… the portal wall. Not feeling as my chest beat out a rhythm which begged me to run, my instincts which screamed that this wasn’t the right way, not my way. I shouldn’t go in there.

“You okay?”

“Huh? Yeah B, you know me, five by five, right?”

Watching as her eyebrow had raised, as she tried to slip inside me with a gaze that sought to see everything. A shaking hand that had travelled a small distance to stroke at my face, to run soft fingers in ways that should have calmed me. Which didn’t calm me. My feet seeking to fidget when I knew that I should be finding stillness.

“I’m kinda scared Faith, you know… big evil portal, a ticket to hell, in fact I’m kinda terrified.” Her mouth still finding a way to twitch out a smile for me. “If you were scared too, that would be okay.”

“You want me to be scared?”

“No, I want you to be honest, you don’t have to hide it from me.”

I Considered that. I considered it hard. I had told her that I hated it when she hid herself from me, and I knew that it was wrong to be hiding myself from her. It had just seemed so natural, so right in the moment to be grabbing at a false sense of bravado. To be strong, to stay strong. It was all I’d had ever had, until then. Until she had brought the space to less, had moved her hand to use her lips and offered me an innocent kiss. Just a little something that I needed. It had me confirming her words, laughing them out as if I could mock them.

“Okay, I’m a little terrified, but just a little… and don’t tell the others.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, how would they cope without a fearless leader?”

“Ah, they have you B, it’s all cool.”

Finding more smiles in the seconds that followed, losing sense of what was happening behind us, of the things which were completed, the troops picking up their weapons and waiting on the time. On us.

“Buffster, you gonna stop the smooches anytime soon?”

Xander’s words penetrating our own sacred circle of protection.

“We’re stopping, see? Stopped! Ready to go… what’s the plan?”

“If you had been listening you would know the plan.”

“Oh for gods sake Giles! Cut us a break okay? In case you’ve forgotten we’re just about to take a quick trip into hell, is it really so terrible that we might want to take a moment first?”

Her words had sounded so firm, so strong, so unarguable. And he hadn’t argued, had simply offered an apologetic glance to match his apologetic words. Gone slowly over the run through again, they would chant the spell, the portal would open… we would go through. And then things got a little more sketchy. Not even Giles really knowing what was supposed to happen then… Cordy had just seen Tara, had seen me and Buffy… no details, no take the first right, swing the second left. Nothing. Just go in and get out. I guess in a way it was my kind of plan, not too much with the detail. I swallowed the lump which wouldn’t move from my throat, the non sweet taste of doom coated gloom. Forced something which sounded like me into my tone.

“Well get chanting then girlies, I for one can’t wait to see Tara…” I had caught Willow’s eyes, slid a quick smile. A false smile. “…now just make sure that you get us out of there Red, no leaving a girl hanging.”

“No hanging, nope… I can do it, I can open the portal and bring you back out. Uh-huh, what’s big honking evil in the face of uh… um… me.”

“That’s the spirit Red! Evil ain’t got nothing on you.”

And it had sounded kinda hopeless, looking at her small form kneeling amongst the spread salt of the circle. The shaking of her hands as she held up the text, the quiver in her voice as her words had first been spoken. It had sounded all sorts of hopeless. And it had me shaking again, soft shakes, hidden shakes. The palms of my hands feeling clammy with fear… I had wanted to turn, to run.

“Oh god… Faith?”

And then turning to see. Watching that pinprick appear again just like before. The light, the glow, the sounds of screaming and of torment, the sounds which had plagued my sleep since the first time. The rank shoots of blackness that looked to break free. And I wanted to sidestep it, wanted so bad to stop the evil black shit from ever touching me again, but I couldn’t. I had looked hard at the others, seen their faces looking to me with absolute belief, and I let it be all that I felt. Let final words of encouragement fall from my mouth to keep them all safe…

“Don’t get eaten.”

Softening it with a wink, holding onto Buffy’s hand and stepping solidly forwards. Like Alice through the looking glass. Only evil. Not so much ‘curioser and curioser’, as, ‘holy fucking hell’. Seriously. Holy fucking hell. Hearing Willow’s words gaining strength as we lost all sight of anything real. Anything normal. As we lost everything except each other.

“Jesus…”

“I don’t think you’ll find him here B.”

Not knowing what we would find here, not even knowing if she would hear my words above the sounds, above the unrelenting noise of pain and of suffering. It had me falling straight to my knees, just the feel of it. Permeating me, infusing me with every bad feeling I had ever felt in my life. So much fucking agony ripping harsh paths through my system. I tried to fight it, tried so hard to keep my eyes searching out every bit of blackness for her. For Tara. For anything.

“B..?”

Nothing.

“Buffy..?”

And still there was nothing. The loneliness assaulting me with sweet twisted abandon. Coming in to take a hold of me, the emptiness. The nothingness. Mocking my strength, mocking everything about me. Caressing me with the feel of everything wrong, everything I had ever done wrong. Slow thrusting images which I couldn’t close my eyes upon. No way to stop seeing, to stop feeling, it was all about me, it was in me, making me scream out in absolute desperate gut wrenching terror, a need for salvation.

“BUFFY!!!”

Fucking begging her for salvation… I just knew it, I felt it, Angel was wrong, I couldn’t be here… I couldn’t survive here. My veins aching as I felt the blackness travelling fast through my system, as it flowed all one way towards my heart. My bones aching as my body grew weak without fighting, but I didn’t know how to fight this, I didn’t even know what it was. Where it had me or how it had me. It just had me.

“Oh fuck… argh…”

Convulsions wracking me as I felt myself being sucked towards the dark somewhere, knowing that it would be an end. The end. My end. Whatever, I knew that I was heading there… that the blackness all around me had found just what it needed to feast upon, everything that it had never found in Tara. In goodness. And I wanted to give up, I swear, I fucking wanted to give up… as I lived again all the moments that showed me my wrongness, my badness. The times when I had fucked the boys for the sweet taste of beer, as I’d fucked the girls for the sweet taste of pussy, my hand in open cash registers, my fists hitting true in faces they should never have dared to touch. I was living it again. Breathing it again. On slow mo, on fast forward, over and over. Jumbling together. The mockery I had made of my slayerness, experiencing the thrust again of the first vamp I had dusted, a mistake there as well, not knowing what it was, just trusting an instinct. Swelling my head with the memory of whooping out my power. Of the whisky I had downed to drown out the vision of the monster that had pursued me through the night… a watcher, yeah… show me a fucking watcher, the sound of evil screaming with such force in my head as I slayed every beast she had led me to hunt. Feeling the cloven hand caress against my form…

“God no, please god no…”

My first stomach churning feel of the stickiness of human blood, blood I had cared about, blood that had cared about me, ripped from me, stolen from me. Feeling the anger, the abandoned howl of knowing right then that I just wasn’t good enough, I was fucking bad… it was eating at me now, agreeing with me. Whispering tones hissing deep into my ears as I felt it all…tasting my darkness, teasing tendrils snaking forth like tongues to lap it all from me…

I felt the world crushing against my chest as I saw again the salvation in Sunnydale, such a sick joke, laughing a manic laugh that sounded all Warren, that morphed into the Mayor as I tried to fight it off… I couldn’t give up, not yet, needing to see her one last time… even this way, knowing everything that I would do to her, every evil act I had committed with a smile upon my face, every way that I could think of to hurt her, the evil twisted grin which I felt sliding across me in that instant… everything pulling at me…

“Buffy…”

And I don’t even know if I said it out loud. I just know that I felt her go through me.

‘Thanks B, I couldn’t have done it without ya.’

It felt like it had fucking slammed straight through me. Her soft curves, her short stance, my coarse words, her towering strength. Watching her cavort with a fucking vampire, and so what a fucking soul!? I was a fucking slayer… feeling that anger burn in every part of me, finding a home in me. Fists clenching, consuming me again, feeling the flames of hate, the sick sadness of wasted desire…the tossing of my body as whatever the fuck it was took comfort in my pain. Resonating approval. Sucking me dry. Not able to fight it with the knowledge of all that I knew now, powerless to do anything, just being forced to relive it as I felt myself slipping further away… screaming out tears as I saw what I became, as I saw the thick red blood on my hands, as I laughed at the tainted stain on my shirt…

‘I don’t care…’

Tormenting me, hearing my own words twisting back round to mock me, seeing the look that she saw, the cocky smirk that insisted I was nothing worth saving…

“Oh god, please… no more…”

I pleaded deep into the darkness for something to save me. Firing arrows at Angel, fighting her on a rooftop. And It felt like nothing would save me, I felt so surely that I wasn’t worth saving. Not even thinking of Willow and of Tara anymore… of what I was here for… just feeling like death, like I was where I belonged. Trying to hide from the reflection of evil eyes as I had stared back into the face that I had stolen so callously, the images working hard to keep me prisoner… and they had me prisoner. I know that I was crying from it, my whole body tensing as I felt the blackness slip tighter across me. Holding me, fucking embracing me with the coldness of home.

And then Riley… oh fuck Riley, wrong body, wrong person. Feeling another embrace of another man I didn’t want to touch me, who I didn’t want touching her. Hearing the tones of every bad past sneaking up to give comment…

‘There’s my little firecracker…’

Her fucked up voice amongst them. Cheering me on, laughing at me. Seeing her head shake as she witnessed everything I had become, every label self fulfilling as she screamed out words of whore, of liar. Of badness and of wrong. Watching them all laugh at me… my eyes tearing to my hands, feeling the warmth and the wet as I saw Wesley cowering before me… tied to the chair, his blood making me laugh too, making me scream… so much badness… I am so fucking bad… I’m so fucking bad!

“FAITH!”

Not even hearing it… not even knowing it. All I could hear was the mantra of the moment, the twisted monstrosity of my true to life story playing out before me… I had seen it all, I had watched it all… over and over… I was so fucking bad.

Feeling the sickening pull, as my entire being felt the pressure of ripping from the inside out, as finally the darkness slid to the place where the badness truly lay, breaking through all of my defences, my body shot to shit. My veins taking delight in delivering the wickedness straight to my chest… the centre of my evil. The dark stain on my soul. My heart.

Where my goodness lay? Like an echo, like something calling through the mist. My head shaking with the pounding force of all that I had heard, all that I could hear.

“FAITH!!”

And hearing her then. Oh god did I hear her. Louder than the scream of any evil, of any torment…

Buffy.

Knowing it. My eyes fighting to stay open on the rest of the moment. To see what happened next, to see the goodness that could thrive when my eyes rest upon her… that stupid fucked up cow/chicken hat… man, so fucking stupid! And her hair so short… why so short Buffy? Wanting to ask… tossing and turning as I felt more screams rising up, trying to fight them, to stop my eyes from closing… too much noise, not her screams, but the bad screams, trying to drown it out, sound it out…anguish and pain.

And him. Finally him. That soulless evil fucker, his sly twisting smile, waiting here to bring me down, to show me those eyes again, to taunt me with the way that his body so wanted hers… the way that his body had claimed hers, not memories, but visions, sliding against her, pushing down into her… making my anger choke forth… the darkness rising…

Her touch.

Like salvation.

And he couldn’t take away the feel of her touch… of birthday wishes that were nothing to do with anguish and pain, my own smile widening through the tormenting torture, through the blackness… my birthday gift, so sweet in her hands, his body so nothing in dust.

Buffy.

The soft feel of lips, not real… or real? Breathing life into me, breathing love into me. Letting it flow through me with the force that it demanded, no strength left to argue, to question. Hands beating against chests. And I Gave myself up then, not fighting, I had nothing to fight… I just had to trust. Had to let myself believe that if I gave it all up, if I let myself fall… that she would catch me, that she could catch me. Drowning out every bad sound with the sound of her breathing, the feel of her breath, breathing in me, breathing for me… not seeing it, just feeling it… like warmth. Like something good. Something right.

Closing my eyes for the last time. Nothing left in my heart except Buffy.

Just slow fleeting fragments. Just whispers of memory which have burnt and branded my skin, the stench of flesh burning, of evil awakening.

“Hey baby..?”

Soft. So fucking soft. A caress against my ears. Tears against my cheek.

“Can you hear me? Do you hear me Faith?”

I don’t know.

More voices, all in my head, nothing’s real anymore. I don’t even know if I’m here anymore. Just darkness in front of me, behind me. Not moving, barely breathing.

“Buffy she’ll be okay… just let her rest.”

“No Giles! You keep saying that, I’m sick of hearing that… how long huh? How long are we supposed to wait?”

“I’m with Buffy on this one, this is ridiculous guys… I mean what, a mystical coma? That’s crap, useless crap… can’t we do something? Surely one of you has the power to do something.”

“Unless you get a vision Cordy, then no… we don’t do anything.”

Angel. Angel is here? I didn’t think Angel was here… I thought I was fighting alone. When did Angel get here?

“Hey Buff..? Wills is asking for you, can you… uh, shall I tell her no?”

“Tell her what you want Xander, I’m not leaving her side. She knows where I am…”

“But she won’t leave…”

“I know that! But I won’t leave Faith… tell her, she’ll understand.”

I understand nothing. Just voices. Slipping away.

No more voices.

“Baby..?”

“Is she awake?”

“No… I just, I thought I saw something Dawnie, probably nothing. You should go down, go on… I’ll be fine, really. You go see the others.”

Others? I had heard the others… where were the others? Where was I?

“Buffy… is she… is she going to be okay? I know what Giles said, but is she really going to be okay?”

I hear tears. Tears in her voice. So many tears.

“Hey, of course she is… she’s just, it’s just taking time is all.”

“It’s been three days…”

“It doesn’t matter!”

“Sorry, I just…”

“No Dawn, I’m sorry. Go on, go down, maybe bring me some tea?”

“Are you hungry?”

“No… I’m fine. Just tea. Thank you.”

Footsteps going away. Don’t leave me here. Not alone.

“Oh god Faith, I wish you could hear me. Baby, can you hear me?”

I hear you! I’m not… alone.

“Faith I’m so scared, so damn scared… I can’t do this without you, I don’t want to do this without you. If you can hear me, please… just anything, just a wink, an eyebrow, I know you like the eyebrows baby… can you do that? Can you just wiggle an eyebrow for me..?”

Is she mad?

“Squeeze my hand yeah? Can you feel that? Just give me a squeeze… oh god, please… please?”

“Buffy..? Can I come in?”

“Huh? Angel? Sure, maybe you can hang onto my sanity for me. I’m losing it in here. Fast.”

“You should take some time, this isn’t healthy. You can’t stay here forever.”

“Watch me.”

“Buffy…”

“No! I won’t leave her, none of you can make me leave her.”

“What about Dawn? She’s downstairs, she’s hurting, she needs you.”

“I need Faith.”

Don’t leave me.

“She isn’t going anywhere Buffy, I’ll stay with her. You go on and get some rest, get some food.”

“Listen to me Angel, I am not leaving her! Now you can stay and play nice, or you can get the hell out… I am not moving.”

“You don’t need to do this, it isn’t your fault.”

“I should’ve got to her sooner… I should’ve known, we all should’ve known what it would do to her… Jesus Angel… you didn’t hear it, you didn’t see what it did…”

“I’ve been there… I know.”

“Well she didn’t know! I shouldn’t have let her go in.”

“She knew the risks.”

“No!”

“Buffy…”

What the hell are they talking about?

“I didn’t know, I didn’t know how bad…”

“It wouldn’t have made a difference. If she had known, she would still have gone in, you know that. I know that… and when she wakes up she will tell you that.”

I will?

“I just want her to wake up… it’s killing me Angel, I need her so much. I miss her so much.”

“Shhh. Come on, it’s okay.”

Those tears again falling.

“She died Buffy… that takes it’s toll, of course it does, but she’s here… you got her out, and you brought her back. She’s here.”

I’m here.

Touches which feel so real. Soothing skin, soothing the flesh that still burns with the sick strokes of evil. Coursing through me. Choking me. Holding me back.

But the touches feel real. Like soft tapping on wood.

“Hey, can I come in?”

“Huh, oh Wills, yeah… come in. I was just, I don’t know…”

“You don’t have to explain to me Buffy.”

“Right, of course not. How is she?”

“Doing great, really… I mean, not great, great, not jumping round the room greatness, but yeah, she’s good. She wants to come in later… she won’t stop asking. Is that okay?”

“Is she… is she strong enough?”

“I think so… Giles said she can get up tomorrow anyway, and we can get Xander to lift her, bring her in… it would mean a lot to her.”

“I’d like to see her, I’m sorry I haven’t…”

“No Buffy, I get it, you need to be here… she understands, she just wishes that she could be here too.”

“You’ve been here, you’ve all been here. It helps.”

“I wish we could do more.”

“I wish I could do more.”

“I think you did enough… you went back, you got her.”

“I left her.”

She did?

“No Buffy, no way, you didn’t leave her… you did what you had to.”

“Funny how that feels so pointless right now.”

“But she’s here, she’s right here.”

“Is she Wills? Is she really? Cos god… I can’t, I don’t feel her… I can’t feel her.”

Water falling. It sounds like rivers. Winding away…

“Just put her down gently.”

“I’m not gonna drop her Buff, what do you take me for, some kind of oaf?”

“You’re not an oaf, you’re the perfect specimen of a handsome mortal male, if they can’t see that then that’s their problem…”

“Thanks honey.”

“Oh god, is this gonna be the demon’s ode to the mighty Xander again? It gets kinda tiring… can’t we have an ode to something else, even evisceration, please? For me?”

“I could eviscerate you Cordelia, for old times sake, I imagine it would be all kinds of pleasing…”

“Guys! You wanna hush? A little respect?”

“Sorry Buffy.”

No. Don’t hush. I like it.

“Hey sweetie… how are you?”

Huh? That voice…

“I’m… I’m good, peachy, really… but what about you? Are you okay?”

“As good as I’m gonna be, not good enough for Giles, he’d have me on bed rest till I hit at least forty, but I’m much better. How’s… how is Faith?”

The heat of her skin as she touches my brow. Always touching me. Never leaving me. It warms me.

“I don’t know, I keep, god… I keep telling myself that she’s okay, but I just don’t know, I just wish she would wake up. Just a sign, just anything… it’s all that I want Tara.”

Tara? We saved Tara?

“Hey come on, it’s okay… she’ll be okay, you just have to believe it.”

“Exactly Buffy! You have to believe it… like Tara said, Faith would want you to believe it. She’s always going on about the believing, right?”

“I guess so Dawn… and I do, really, I do. But it’s been five days…”

“She did eight months last time, this is nothing, she’s strong… like Amazon!”

“How do you know how strong Amazon’s are?”

“I was just saying An, I don’t know, know… but, well, they are strong, right?”

“Definitely strong. Like Faith, only Faith’s stronger cos she has the super power deal, and shouldn’t slayer healing help, with the super fast healing and the uh… strength?”

“You’d think so Wills, I hope so.”

Strength?

“She’ll be fine, trust me… I know Faith, and there is no way that she’ll let evil keep her down, she wouldn’t let anything keep her down.”

“Thanks Cor.”

“No need for thanks, it’s the truth, this time next week she’ll be back to normal, and you’ll be wishing that you could keep her trussed up in a bed…”

“Hmmmm.”

“Hey Buffster, less of the naughty thoughts!”

“Hey… I was not naughty thoughts-ing!”

“Uh-huh.”

“I was NOT!”

Naughty thoughts?

“No Xander, she keeps those for our bed, and hey… did I tell you about that Tara, with the screams and the hollers?”

“Will…”

“There was screaming? I missed the screaming?”

“Oh yeah… I think Buffy was the loudest, but Faith held her own, it was quite impressive, way louder than you guys…”

“Dawn!”

“I was just saying.”

“Well stop saying, now… all of you, okay? I get with the laughs, I do, and thank you, but I’m just tired right now…”

“Right, come on guys, lets clear out, we can discuss Buffy’s sex life downstairs, give the girl some peace and quiet.”

“Thank you Cordy. I think.”

I like girls with manners…

“Tara..? Could you… would you mind staying?”

“No problem sweetie, I’d love to stay…”

“Not too long baby, you still need to rest too.”

“I’ll be fine.”

It sounds like a kiss. I miss kisses…

“So how are you really doing?”

“I’m not good Tara, god am I not good. I just feel like I should be doing something, that there’s something I could do.”

“You’re here, that’s enough.”

“But she doesn’t even know that I’m here…”

I know.

“…I sit here and I talk, and I touch her… but nothing. I just need something… anything?”

“Come on, it’s okay… it’ll all be okay.”

“I just feel like I’m falling apart, I can’t do this without her… I need her Tara, I need her.”

I need her too.

“For gods sake, be quiet Xander!”

“I’m not the one shouting!”

“I’m not shouting, I’m whispering.”

“Just because you say it in British, does not make it whispering.”

“Oh for crying out loud, just cover her over, make sure she’s warm.”

She is warm. I can feel her.

“Do you think she’s going to be okay?”

“Faith? I’m sure of it.”

“No, Buffy… she won’t eat, she only sleeps when she can’t help herself… do you think that ‘she’s’ going to be okay?”

“I wish that I knew… I’ve tried talking to her, we’ve all tried talking to her, but she just refuses to hear.”

“She’s kinda stubborn our Buffster”

“Far too stubborn for her own good. And if she carries on like this? Well, I just don’t know. Even slayers have to eat, we can supplement Faith, but Buffy won’t even allow for that…”

“She’s punishing herself.”

“I’d say that’s exactly what she is doing, such a misplaced notion.”

“And there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“No, nothing. I believe that unless Faith wakes up soon, then nothing will be able to reach her.”

“I could try shaking her awake.”

“Are you mad? God only knows what’s going on in her head right now, I don’t think that shaking is an option.”

“Well we have to do something, I won’t lose Buffy again… we can’t lose Buffy again.”

Lose Buffy?

“I’m rather hoping that it won’t come to that, Angel seems to think that the darkness is still inside of her… that it’s stopping her from breaking free. Waking up…”

“So can’t we suck out the darkness?”

“Do you have an evil sucking vacuum cleaner Xander?”

“Hey G-man, you cracked a funny!”

“Ha bloody ha.”

“Well we must be able to do something, a spell… what about one of those mind walk things? Willow could do that, right?”

“Unfortunately no, wrong. She has to fight it herself… we have to hope that she has the strength left to fight whatever is in her, not just for her sake, but for Buffy’s sake too.”

For Buffy’s sake.

Oh fuck.

Holy fuck it hurts. All over hurts, like nothing I’ve felt before… I can feel it scorching right through me, and the smell, it smells like burning flesh… fuck that’s nasty. Jesus, I can’t breathe, it’s inside me… fucking hell it’s inside me… Buffy? B..? Fuck, someone help me…

“Faith..?”

My veins are ripping from my skin, I can feel them fucking tearing from me, and the blackness… so dark, so alone, so fucking bad…

“Baby..? Can you hear me? Please Faith…”

Oh god, it’s in my heart, I can feel it in my heart… no…

“GUYS! SOMEONE!”

Touching me, tearing me. Inside of me… I need, oh fuck… I need to get it out…

“Buffy? What‘s wrong?… Oh my goddess…”

“What is it Wills, what’s happening to her? What the hell is happening to her?”

“I’ll get Giles, I’ll… oh god…”

Got to get it out…

“Faith! Faith… can you hear me? Oh no… baby no… Wills please? Do something?”

“I don’t… I don’t know what to do… I’ll get someone, I’ll get…”

“Arghhhh!”

“Buff…”

Got to get it out.

“And then what?”

“She just… I don’t know, it was like the tendrils, they just… my god Giles, it was so horrible… they just came out of her…”

“It smells gross.”

“It’s not a fucking picnic Dawn!”

She’s cursing? She’s cursing Dawn?

“I… sorry, I just with the smell… I’m sorry.”

“Just go to your room, you shouldn’t be seeing this.”

“Right, I’m sorry.”

Kiddo..?

“Hey Buff, you were a little hard on her, she didn’t mean anything.”

“Leave it Wills okay? Just leave it.”

“I’ll go to her… I’ll uh, I’ll just see that she’s okay.”

“Do you want me to help clean her Buffy?”

“No, thanks Giles… I’ll do it, I just wondered… it scared me, what the hell was that?”

“I can only guess that whatever it is inside of her, has finally begun to come out.”

“You mean that there’s more?”

“Who can say? I’ll speak to Angel, we’ll read more texts…”

“Well praise the lord, there’s more texts to read!”

“Buffy…”

“What Giles? You want me to jump up and down and proclaim the greatness of the books that have gotten us nowhere? Well I won’t, I’m sick of the books… I’m sick of all of this…”

“Just calm down, you need to calm down.”

“Just go, just get out. Please?”

“Of course.”

And I need to calm her. If my eyes can open… if I could just…

“B..?”

“Oh god… Faith?”

Yeah. If I could just…

“I heard it! I god damned heard it!”

“I’m not saying that you didn’t, I’m just saying that it was over eight hours ago, that you need to rest! If she’s waking up, then she’ll wake up… you don’t have to watch her.”

“You don’t believe me? That’s it isn’t it Giles? You think that I’m making it up?”

“No, I think that you’re exhausted, I think you heard what you needed to hear.”

“Get the hell out! Just get out and stay out!”

“Buffy…”

“I said OUT!”

Slamming doors. Walls shaking.

“God damn hearing what I need to hear? What the fuck does he think I am, god damn fucking crazy… yeah? Lets all hear it for the screwed up Buffster! Coming to a town near you… point, make fun, god…”

She’s breaking.

“Please Faith… baby please? I know you can hear me, just say something… do something?”

Cold, cold hands. Why are her hands so cold?

“I can’t do this anymore… I can’t, I’m losing it Faith, I can’t do this…”

Holding onto me.

It soothes the darkness. It soothes my soul.

“I love you, do you hear that? I love you!”

Oh god B. My heart breaking. The sound of pain, of tears and of heart ache. And no more. I can’t… she can’t. No more. I try and fight with everything that I am, past the blackness, the darkness… up through the barriers which hold me so tightly, through the words and the visions, the sights that haunt me…

I am so fucking bad.

“I love you Faith.”

Over and over. I hear it… I can feel it. I love you too B. I…

“…love you.”

“Oh my god… Faith?”

It hurts. My eyes, I can’t… my eyes… I can’t see…

“B..?”

It sounds so foreign, so hoarse and heavy. Barely there. Barely here.

“Baby? It’s me… I’m here, oh god, I’m here… I love you, I love you so much… please, hang on… I love you…

Hang on. Please… hang on.

Like coming up through a smoke screen, everything hazy, not a fucking clue where I am. Oh wait… no, I have a clue, I remember… I think. She was here. Buffy was here…

“Faith?”

My head feels like its fucking pounding out the techno as I turn to face her, my mouth so dry, my throat aching and raw.

“W…water?”

“Sure thing, just relax… I’ve got water here.”

Letting her lift my head, trying not to wince as she touches a soft spot. All of it a soft spot.

“Just slow sips okay, you’ve been out for ages, no gulping.”

“K… where’s B?”

“Hey you! I’m here.”

Not dazzled by the smile, just lost without the feeling.

“Cordy?”

“Okay, okay… I get the deal, no ones ever better than the Buffy. Which is kinda odd considering the state she’s in, but hey, no hard feelings…”

Slow down.

“Hey… can you slow, please?”

“You must be feeling rough, asking a hot girl to go slow…”

Not smiling. Not laughing. No fun. No games.

“Buffy?”

“She’s fine… they just… they thought it best to sedate her, she was kinda going crazy when you started to come round, wouldn’t let anyone near you…”

Oh is she gonna be pissed.

“How long..?”

“What? How long since they sedated her?”

I try so hard and give her a look. Unimpressed. Maybe just dopey.

“Aw, that’s cute, trying for fierce so soon, but really, no… it’s been six days, just about seven. You had us all worried there… I mean it, everyone has been here. You really know how to get the fear flowing.”

“Six days?”

“Yeah, nearly a week. How are you feeling, cos you look like crap?”

I don’t know. Fucking crap?

“Cool, not too bad… what… I don’t remember, what happened?”

“You were the hero sweet cheeks. Chewed up the evil, saved the world, saved Buffy… Tara… I’m kinda sketchy on the details…”

“Tara?”

“Hell yeah! She’s fine by the way, a little weak at first, but she’s fine. It was like I said, a couple of square meals and she was right as rain.”

Why can’t I remember?

“I don’t… I remember going through, but nothing after.”

I sip some more of the water, feel as it rips at the back of my throat, like gasoline, but still better, better than the rawness.

“Well I’m sure they’ll fill you in, you want me to go get them… let them know you’re awake?”

“No, not yet… I just, can I rest a bit more? Please?”

“Hey… you can do whatever you want to do, didn’t you hear me? You’re the hero round here now, you get hero privileges.”

“I missed you Cor.”

“Save it you old hound dog, I know who you’ve been missing.”

Her smile is so fucking radiant, and she is so fucking wrong. I have missed her, I missed all of them. It was so lonely, so empty. I think… I think I remember them here… I remember feeling alone… all so confusing.

“Can you, will you… when B wakes up?”

“Sure thing, you just rest okay? I’ll stay here.”

Closing my eyes. The sound of silence.

I feel her all around me, the softness, the comfort, and I don’t open my eyes. I just breathe it in, let it fill me, complete me… the smell, so much sweeter than burning flesh.

And burning flesh? There was burning flesh?

That makes me shake my eyes awake. A memory. A feeling. Fear.

“B..? Are you awake?”

My voice sounding surer, fuelled by the gasoline.

“Buffy..?”

“Hmmm? You what?”

And my mouth feels so tight as I pull on a smile. Her confusion sounding so wonderful, everything sounding so wonderful.

“Hey… sleepyhead.”

“Faith? Faith!”

And fuck that sounds loud!

“Shush, please… I’m right here.”

“Oh god Faith… oh my god…”

My ribs aching as she crushes herself against me, gasping for air, feeling the suffocation.

“Hey, fuck, ease off.”

“Right, I’m sorry, I… uh… are you, okay?”

Her face as wounded as I feel as she pulls herself away from me. Body broken, eyes shining, tears falling. And I wanna reach out, want my arms to lift my hands, want to wipe the pain away. But they won’t lift, not yet… everything in my body screaming out in the pain.

“Yeah, cool… just my ribs B, fuck… my whole fucking body.”

“I can get someone? I should get someone… I’ll get the witches, they’ll know what to do, maybe some of the balm… do you want the balm?”

“Balm?”

“Or pills? We have pills, Advil, something stronger?”

“Pills?”

What the fuck is she talking about?

“For the pain, right? You’re hurting?”

“No, yes… I don’t know… I just…”

“What Faith… what do you want?”

And I try and fight the feeling of the haze, the ache that rushes through my system, the longer that I try to hold my eyes open. The burning, that smell again… all of it rising up to beat me back. To beat me down. And I fight it for all that I am worth, the last feeling of strength, just to look. Just to see.

“Buffy?”

“Yes?”

“Please… just a kiss… please?”

As if my whole world depends upon it, as if my salvation is balancing upon it. A kiss better, a kiss to ward off the bad times, the dark times. To keep it all at bay.

“A kiss?”

My head hurting on the nod. No more words. No more strength. I don’t need anymore strength, I have her. I have Buffy. I feel the sting as my eyes take a final look. A sight to hang on to, a sight to hang on for.

Her smile. I lived for that smile. For those eyes. For her love.

The weight shifts slowly across the bed, the pain in my back making me hiss as she hovers above me, her tears falling fast to mark at my skin. And I do close my eyes, close my eyes as her lips touch mine. As I feel like coming home.

Chapter 31

POV Buffy

I lost her for seven days and I have had her back for three. That means that by my calculations, I have at least another four days of grinning like an absolute idiot, until I have to rejoin the world of the normal again. Not that I’m overly keen on rejoining the normal world, a world which to me means fighting, and slaying, and taking not too pleasant trips into terrifying hell dimensions. No. I like this world much better. The one where I can play at being nurse to Faith, and where my only real worry is whether or not she is getting as strong again as she truly should be. And she is. Slowly, but definitely surely, she is regaining everything about herself that has always made her just so… Faith.

Her eyes gradually clearing from the hell enforced haze, her body fighting off the sick slime of evil which had permeated her being since our crazy little jaunt across to the other side. The really dark and nasty side. I’ve held the bucket for her a thousand times since she rejoined the world of the living, trying to soothe her with soft words as she vomited forth more and more of the tendrils that I had witnessed first hand invading her body. Never complaining, just throwing me apologetic looks as another conversation would be ended by the chokes and the coughs that meant more of the sickness was on it’s way.

As if she has to apologise to me. I want to be here for her, I NEED to be here for her. I tell her it often enough, in amongst the words of love and of missed you, I tell her over and over how much I need to be with her. Finding myself mumbling and jumbling all of the words which say sorry for every time I haven’t been there for her. Making her shake her head, making her smile. Making her call me silly. And I don’t care what she calls me, she is here… and for that I won’t ever stop grinning like the idiot.

When she had awoken and asked me to just kiss her, I had felt so much go through me. Like an ache in every single part of my being, maybe in my soul? I don’t know… but it just felt so real, so tangible, so much like everything I would ever need was buried in the soft feel of her lips. Not mattering that they were parched and cracked from all of the hours that she had lain ‘sleeping’, just mattering that all she needed, all that she really wanted, was to place those lips against mine. Like a kiss better, like everything really was going to be okay.

And I hadn’t been sure of it, as much as I shouted it at Dawn, at Giles, at anyone who I made to stand and listen, I hadn’t been sure of it. Hours and hours of forcing my eyes to stay open, because a part of me believed that any second that I looked at her could maybe be my last. And I couldn’t bear that thought, I knew that it would never be enough. So I sat, and I watched, and I counted the hours. Just one more, please god, just one more.

Time is precious, and now time is all that I really want. Time with her. It’s more than precious. To me it has become everything.

“B… what ya thinking?”

And I won’t infect her fresh growing smile with my thoughts all morbid, and of what could have been lost.

“I was thinking about how pretty your eyes look with the sun shining on them.”

Making that smile grow more, the dimples out in full force as she tries to cover a blush with a full wattage grin.

“Are you getting all mushy in your old age B? Cos you know you need to watch that, the onset of senility.”

“You don’t like me being mushy?”

“I didn’t say that, I just… you know, it’s new.”

“Well I’m making up for lost time, all the times I should’ve told you that your eyes are pretty.”

“Just my eyes?”

And wouldn’t you know that her eyebrows were the first things to gain back all of that super sized strength that she had lost. Straight back to the lifting and the wiggling and all of the secret hidden promises that captivate my mind whenever she makes them dance across her face.

“No Faith, not just your eyes.”

I pull myself away from the warmth of the sun to check that her body is covered by the warmth of the blanket. Giles letting me bring her out into the garden, only when I had promised that I would make sure that she was kept as snug as a bug. The worry on his face not moving, no matter how much I protested that she really is getting so much better, no matter how much she protested that she feels a thousand times better. I figure that he likes to worry, that maybe a little part of him is still feeling the harshness of their last fraught exchange before we had stepped our way into hell.

“If you tuck me in any tighter B, I’m not gonna be able to breathe.”

“Huh? Oh, sorry… just following orders.”

“You always follow orders?”

“Depends on who’s issuing them.”

My hand makes it’s way to stroke a slow path across her head, just moving the soft flow of hair away from those eyes, tucking it up behind her ears.

“I could issue a few orders B…”

Letting my fingers trace the eyebrows that just won’t stop moving.

“I’m sure you could, WHEN you’re feeling better.”

“I am feeling better!”

“Not better enough.”

Her hand comes up to catch my own, gripping me tightly, proving her strength, showing me just how much better she really is. Pulling me ever so slowly down until my face is close to hers. Till the breath of her words breezes softly across my lips.

“I’m better enough for a kiss B, can I order you to give me a kiss?”

“I like that order.”

Not needing her to pull me that last inch to touch. To feel more than her warm breath against my lips as I lose myself in that sweetest of feelings. The ache rising up again, letting me know how much more I want from her, how much I have to wait, how much she has to wait. Breaking slowly away as I feel her moans vibrate right through me.

“That was nice.”

“More?”

“It’s kinda dangerous Faith, I wouldn’t want Giles to walk out and find me ravishing you right here in the garden. Not only would he have a heart attack just from the sight alone, but you know he’d have another one because I was being all careless… not looking after you properly.”

“Since when has Giles been a doctor?”

Her mouth pushing out into a pout. Making it so hard not to give into the more.

“He just wants the best for you. ‘I’ want the best for you, and that means no ravishing till you’re back to full health.”

“But I feel better!”

“You feel horny!”

“It’s the same difference where I come from B, if the blood’s flowing south, then it means the blood is flowing, and I’m ALL about the blood flowing south.”

“Sweet baby, really… but this is California, and out here on the west coast, you’re not better until you can do at least ten press ups without collapsing into a heap.”

And I’m not mocking her feeble state, really I‘m not, but if she’d had her own way we would’ve been rolling around in the bed sheets the second she’d come back round again. All words of hungry and horny, and making up for lost time.

“I did nine this morning, so I guess that means one more and I’m in?”

“‘And you’re in’? You big ol’ romantic.”

“I just wanna know where I stand B, it’s like hell again, spending all this time with you and not even being allowed a little look see, I mean… I like the kisses, kisses are great… but I’ve had a pretty harsh ordeal and I need a proper welcome back.”

I try and ignore the sneaky fingers which are working their way down across my thigh, teasing skin through the chiffon of my skirt, trying to keep her touch as soft and as light as the breeze. And I just keep my gaze firm in her eyes, let her think she’s getting away with something, placate her mind just a little from demanding that what she isn’t ready to receive. Believe me, if I thought she was ready then I would so be rolling around in the bed sheets by now. Or the garden, or anywhere else that took her fancy.

“You’ll get your welcome back, let’s just make sure that you are back first, okay?”

“Spoilsport.”

She turns her head away from me as if she really is pissed that I won’t give in, but she doesn’t move her hand, still tracing those barely there patterns against the screaming flesh of my thigh.

God I want her.

“Faith?”

And she closes her eyes. Keeps her face turned away and closes her eyes.

“Baby..?”

Knowing that it makes her smile when I call her that. She had told me how no one ever really called her ‘baby’ before, how no one ever really cared that much about her to call her names like ‘baby’. She’s told me lots of things these last three days. Now she isn’t telling me anything. Pretending that she can be asleep when her hand is still playing at awake.

I let my fingers join hers on the soft feel of skirt, interlacing them until I can bring her hand up to my lips, offering her the slightest of kisses to get back her attention. “You know how much I love you Faith, how much I want you… but patience okay? As soon as you have the strength back, I’ll ravish you all night long, possibly a day and a night, maybe two nights…”

“Promise?”

“Ah, there she is…” Smiling as her head turns back to me. “…yes Faith, I promise.”

I set our hands back down on my leg, still joined together, just loving the feel of her skin on my skin, of being close to her again. Almost tutting out my annoyance as the backdoor to the house opens up, as our easy peace is shattered by the arrival of another.

“Hey guys, what ya up to?”

“Nothing Dawn, just sitting, quietly… really quietly.”

“You want me to go away?”

I can’t miss the hurt in her tone and I have to check myself quick. “Hey, no way! Pull up a chair… just do it quietly.”

Hoping that my wink will repair some of the damage. I really have to watch myself with Dawn, I’ve been so selfish, so harsh… I just couldn’t help it. But now I can help it, and it has to stop.

“So kiddo, how was the day?”

“Oh god Faith, SO dull… like what are the chances that I’m EVER going to need to know that the capital city of Venezuela is a place called Carcass?”

“No way? Like a dead body? That’s kinda cool…”

I tune out as I watch Giles making his way over to join us, his face distorting as he listens to the really exciting conversation about capital cities.

“I think you’ll find that it’s actually Caracas, and it is ALWAYS helpful to know your capital cities Dawn.”

“Oh wow! Your voice is just as boring as my geography teacher’s! I know you’re speaking, but still my mind only hears the Carcass…”

“Caracas.”

“Carcass.”

“Cara… oh for god’s sake! I came out here to check on Faith, I refuse to be drawn into the banality of a ridiculous teenage conversation.”

I smile at Dawn, I appreciate the fun times, and she does have a point; his voice CAN sound about as exciting and thrilling as a high school geography teacher’s. I think maybe it’s his Britishness, all that time spent in libraries. I take the time to check at my watch, decide to leave Dawn to it whilst I go and make us all some dinner. Like some toast. Or cereal. I’m good with the cereal.

“Guys, I’m making dinner… what does everyone fancy?”

I cross my fingers for Captain Crunch, catch the shifty look that’s shared between the three.

“I vote for pizza!”

“Good call kid, I’m with Dawn.”

“You don’t think I can cook?”

“It’s a fact B. You may be highly skilled in other areas, but the kitchen just isn’t one of them.”

“Giles?”

“I’m afraid I have to agree with them Buffy, I may not think that pizza is the chosen food of champions, but we’ve only just gotten Faith back, it’d be a terrible shame to lose her again so quickly…”

“Not funny.”

I try and show dismay at the rather unfair disregard for my cooking, but it’s hard when all of them are busting their guts to stop from laughing.

“Fine! But it’s coming out of your allowance Dawn… not so funny now right?”

“If I got an allowance it wouldn’t be.”

“Well consider this forewarning that when you do get an allowance, the pizza will be paid for!”

“Well can we get anchovies and pineapple then… as I’m paying?”

“That’s wicked gross… I want meat feast supreme, double supreme.”

I can only shake my head and wonder if I have enough money to pay for any kind of supreme.

“I think we can afford a small cheese and tomato… possibly one anchovy.”

“I’ll cover the cost of the pizza Buffy. Dawn, if you wouldn’t mind doing the ordering?”

“Oh I love the ordering! I’m gonna get the anchovy, and the Caracas supreme for Faith… what do you want Buffy?”

But I’m still smiling at her cleverness. She’ll make a good little pun girl yet.

“B..?”

“Oh right… uh, I’ll get the meat feast too. Double supreme.”

And just the thought of hot food is enough to get my mouth watering. Playing nurse to Faith is fantastic, but it’s not always so easy to remember to look after myself. I don’t think I ate anything the whole of last week, and even now my own needs are squashed somewhere below making sure that she has everything that SHE needs, and that the rest of my extended family are getting firmly back to their feet. I settle myself down as I watch Giles turn to leave with Dawn, only just remembering that he’d had a purpose to coming out here in the first place.

“Giles… I thought you wanted to check up on Faith?”

“Well I’d say it’s quite obvious that she’s doing rather superbly Buffy, and I’m sure that I can trust in you to make certain that she has anything else that she needs.”

I smile slightly as he carries on his way to the kitchen. Just waiting for her words. Knowing that they are coming.

“You hear that B?”

And here we go…

“What’s that Faith?”

“What Giles said, that I’m doing superbly, and you have to give me anything that I need.”

I watch as her lips curve up into an almost illegal look of lust, feel as it slides the whole way through my body. The hairs raising on my neck, my breath catching in my throat.

“I don’t think he meant it like that.”

“But he said what I need… I know what I need.”

“You know what you want, there’s a definite difference.”

Trying to make my eyes pull away, because she isn’t strong enough yet, she does still need to rest, to get better. It doesn’t matter that all I can do at night is to lay next to her gorgeous body and pray for the time when I can lose myself inside of her again, can feel the absolute security in the surety of her touch. No. I have to think about what is best for her. I have to think about how much strength her body lost in the fight against evil, not what I want her body to give to me in goodness.

“It’s all the same to me B, want, need… you.”

“Stop it.”

Her hand finding the top of my skirt again, teasing fingers inside of the waistband to bring my skin to life. Making me bite hard on my lip to prevent me from crying out in crazed wild abandon everything that ‘I’ want. That ‘I’ need.

“Stop it? You really mean that?”

Deep breaths.

“Faith… please?”

Her head sliding from side to side as she grazes a touch across my navel, exposed to the dipping sunshine, exposed to her. “Not gonna.”

Eyebrows assuring me that stopping is the furthest thing from her mind. That not stopping is the only thing ‘on’ her mind.

“Hey guys!”

The sudden sound of Willow making her jump as if shocked. Making me jump as if shocked.

“Wills, hey, how was college?” Breathing deeply now to try and grab at oxygen.

“Same old same old, we pretty much just have to make up all of the stuff we missed out on when Tara was… you know? Not here. Nothing too exciting, nothing as exciting as sitting in the sunshine all day.”

She drops her bag down beside us, and crosses her legs to sit. Faith not even looking at her as she instead pouts her way into feigning at sleep again.

“It is pretty exciting just sitting. My kind of exciting.”

“Yeah, I caught that, all hands up tops. And you can quit with the pretend sleep Faith. I saw all of your smooth moves on my way out here.”

It makes her turn her head back, give a grin which is close to devilish. “If you saw them Red, then why didn’t you stay inside? It’s like everyone wants to conspire to stop me from getting some…”

“Aw, is Buff not putting out?”

“Buff is right here, and no, she isn’t… she’s being responsible and trying to let her girlfriend recover from her hell time ordeal.”

“Well that sounds like fun… or not! You know Faith, I helped Tara recover from the hell time thing with all sorts of tender loving care, I think you need to lodge a complaint.”

“You think it would work?”

And I let them have their fun, let them talk around me as if I am not here. They both seem to forget though that Tara was never really touched by the evil, that Tara got to chill out in hell without baring even a single lasting scratch to remind her of the time, kinda the complete opposite of Faith’s five minutes in the underworld. The five minutes where she held onto the evil even whilst it sucked at her soul, the five minutes where the tendrils of doom slid inside of her body and stopped her heart from beating… uh-huh. We’ll just forget all about that and get right on with the sexy stuff.

“What do ya say B?”

“What do I say?”

“Red seems to think that we should be fine if I just lay back, and you do all the ‘hard work’… what d’ya think, good plan?”

“I think that ‘Red’, should go back inside and take care of her own girlfriend’s sex needs, leave mine to me!”

Just a little undercurrent of a growl. The tiniest marking of territory.

“Oooh someone’s a little touchy.”

“She sure is Red, looks like I’m not the only one that’s needing their cork popped.”

And can I scream? Except of course that would only give them more ammunition, still not letting me forget the one night where I dared to be a little vocal because I was having the best sex ever of my life. I can’t win. I really can’t win. I take a look at their little exchange of smirks and I feel it all boiling up inside. Boiling over.

“Fine! Let’s do it then Faith!” Surprising them both as I jump to my feet and start to unwrap my skirt. “We’ll forget the fact that you actually died last week, that you spent seven days in some god damn mystical coma whilst I was sat here wondering if you might just die again… forget that every time I close my eyes all I can see is that messed up evil leech sucking at your soul again, cos hey… you wanna get laid right, and THAT has to be the single most important thing on the planet right now, so come on… let’s do it!”

And they’re both sitting there open mouthed, whilst I just stand here with my panties on show, wondering that I shouldn’t have maybe thought that little moment through before I’d begun to spit it all out. Meekly trying to recover just a little bit of dignity with the rewrapping of the chiffon.

“Okay, well… I’m just gonna go and see Tara, erm… I heard mention of ordering pizza. Uh-huh… just gonna go back inside and forget this ever happened…”

“Wills…”

“No Buffy, it’s fine… crazy outbursts are of the good.”

Seeing the funny little face she pulls at Faith as she makes her way back to the house.

“You really wanna get straight down to it here B, right here?”

“NO!”

“Hey calm down, just playing…”

I stamp down another outburst by pacing the grass for a minute. Not looking her in the face, not looking at her at all. I just… god, does she not get it?

“Faith… I’m sorry okay? I’m sorry that I won’t just get with the giving, but… argh!”

“Huh?”

“I saw what happened to you! Every time I close my eyes I see what happened to you, and I can’t forget that… I can’t risk hurting you just because your hormones are being all demandy… do you understand?”

And her face loses the easy smile that she has found again in the last three days, her eyes losing all of the shine that makes her mine. Instead laying her head down with a slight wince of pain, her voice taking back the hoarseness that her broken body demands.

“Of course I understand B, Jesus… what do you think I see when I close my eyes huh? You think it’s all picnics and flowers?”

“I don’t know Faith… you won’t talk to me about it, you won’t tell me…”

“Maybe because it hurts too much.”

I close the distance that I have stupidly put between us, drop back down to sit beside her and let my fingers find her hand to hold her steady.

“You won’t even let me tell you what you did.”

“I don’t need to hear it B, I know what I saw, what I felt…”

“What about what I saw? You have to hear it some time.”

And she does. She just won’t listen though. She’d opened up so much these last few days, filling in blanks I never knew about pre Sunnydale Faith… but nothing about inside the portal. Not wanting to hear how she had cleared the way for me to Tara, how her hands had wrapped so tight around the oozing tendrils of evil, as if demanding that they feed upon her, that they stay away from me… throwing herself into the thick of the beast to give me the time to free our friend. She won’t hear a word of it.

“I know what you saw, you saw me get feasted upon, all that evil inside of me B, must’ve made quite a show.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You know what I’m talking about!” Her eyes staining with tears as her head turns fully to face me. My hand almost wanting to pull away from the force that she holds me with. “It fucking sucked me dry B, god, if it wasn’t for you I’d still be in there, hanging out with all the other evil fuckers in the world…”

“No…”

“Yes! I felt it Buffy, I fucking felt it… inside of me, all around me. Showing me every bad as fuck thing I have ever done…”

“But it didn’t get you, you got it.”

And she clenches tighter, my knuckles straining to break free from her grasp.

“Stop talking crap! I fell as soon as we went through, I didn’t even see Tara… I didn’t even see you. I fucked up again.”

“No Faith, that isn’t what happened.”

But her head shakes like every other time I have tried to make sense to her. The same as when anyone tries to talk to her. She just refuses to believe that she was anything other than bad. Nothing close to good enough.

“Why won’t you believe me? Do you think I would lie to you?”

“I think you’d do anything to make me feel better…”

“I wouldn’t lie to you Faith, I promise. I swear I wouldn’t lie.”

Her sigh sounding so empty as she lets her eyes slide closed. Her grip lightening on my hand the longer that she takes the short measured breaths, her chest calming into a steady rhythm until I know that she really is sleeping. Exhausting herself with everything that is inside of her head. All of the things that she won’t tell me, all of the things that she believes are the truth.

And I don’t move. I won’t move. I stay by her side, stroking her brow, pulling the blanket up to wrap tighter around her as the sun begins to set. As darkness comes.

“Buffy?”

“Oh hey Tara, how are you feeling?”

Keeping my voice so soft not to wake Faith, to just let her rest.

“I’m good, much better.” Giving me a radiant smile which splits the darkness, more than enough to prove it. “There’s pizza inside, are you coming in?”

“No, I’m gonna let Faith sleep for a bit longer, the fresh air is probably good for her.”

“You want me to save some?”

“I guess so, whatever.”

I try and stave off the tears which want to find my eyes as she shows me so much concern within her gaze. As she comes over to my place and takes the seat beside me.

“Hey sweetie, how are ‘you’ feeling?”

“Do you want the truth, or do you want the party line?”

“We’ll start with the truth, I’m a big believer in the truth?”

But I don’t know if it’s feels right to speak the truth to anyone other than Faith. Wanting her ears to be the only ears that take my confessions. But this is Tara, and Tara always knows the right things to say to make it feel a little bit better, a little bit bearable.

“I’m just finding it all so hard, it’s great having her back, god… it is so much better than great, the greatest even…” I take a second to caress her again, to let her know that even in her sleep, I am still here. “…but it’s all so damn hard. She won’t listen to me Tara, all she hears is what she wants to hear, and I just don’t know how to get through to her.”

“What do you mean? She won’t hear what?”

“All of the portal stuff, she just won’t believe what she did… she won’t believe that she didn’t screw up, that she isn’t just a screw up. And you know as much as I do, that she totally didn’t screw up.”

“Of course she didn’t screw up, why would she think that?”

“I guess the fact that she got filled full of the badness, maybe the seven day coma thing… who knows, but she won’t believe me. She won’t even let me talk about it.”

“Do you want me to talk to her?”

I don’t really. I want nothing more than for Faith to hear me. But that’s selfish, and I know that. So I nod my head. I offer thanks to Tara, and I accept that it won’t be me who makes Faith believe in Faith.

“She really is kind of special isn’t she Buffy?”

“You’re asking me?”

“It was rhetorical, I assume that you already know how special she is.”

Little innocent eyebrows waggling.

“Yeah, she’s all sorts of special. I just wish that she could see it.”

“She’s had some tough times, but she’ll get there. If you keep telling her, if we all keep telling her, then she’ll get there.”

“I hope so.”

Glancing back down as she stirs in her sleep, her eyes fighting to open, her mouth twitching to smile.

“Hey baby.”

“Hey B… what time is it?”

“It’s not late, you just drifted off for a bit. You wanna go in? There’s pizza…”

“In a minute yeah?”

Her head slipping to the side as if she is considering something. Eyes reaching far inside of me in the way that only she can do. Laying me bare. Laying me open.

“I’m gonna go in, give you guys a moment.”

“Thanks Tara, and hi Tara.”

“No problem Faith, I’ll save you some food, and hi to you too.”

Watching the exchange of easy smiles as she turns away. Wishing that my smiles were that easy.

“You not hungry?”

“Of course I’m hungry B.”

“Then why with the staying out here?”

“I just… I’ve been thinking.”

“Uh-oh… should I be worried?”

“Buffy.”

And I catch the ominous sound to her tone, the heavy way it sits between us.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, it’s just like I said, I’ve been thinking.”

Whilst she was sleeping?

“And what was ya thinking about?”

“This and that. Hell. You know, the norm.”

“Okay… and what did you decide?”

“Other than that hell is really not so nice, well… fuck… I just, look… if things really did go down the way you say they did, and I’m not saying that I’m convinced, but if they did… then I guess I wanna hear about it, right?”

And I feel my brow furrowing, my eyes narrowing on her innocent look. “You weren’t sleeping, were you?”

“I was.”

“Faith?”

“Okay, so I started off sleeping, but I kinda came round with the Tara and the mention of the pizza, funny thing that, me and the food.”

“More like you and the hot girl!”

“You think Tara’s hot?”

Oh god. I so didn’t mean that, but…

“Well, she is hot, right?”

“She’s a honey, nothing on you though B.”

And that does make my smile come easy. My own eyebrows dancing as I try my best to look something like hot. “Thanks.”

“Not a problem… now as I was saying…”

“You were saying?”

“The hell shit, if it is like you said… well, I wanna talk about it. Maybe Tara as well, if she saw what you saw.”

“She saw the same as me, she saw what you did… you were kinda heroic, you have to know that?”

And her head just shakes in confusion, real confusion, not pretending because she doesn’t want to believe, but truly not knowing what she should believe.

“I dunno, it’s just… it’s all so different than I remember. I just remember falling, I remember the bad shit getting me… and then I remember you. That’s about it.”

“Maybe we should talk to Giles and Angel too, get all the heads together, try and figure out what the heck went on.”

I laugh as her tummy rumbles out a louder request than my ‘putting our heads together’ idea.

“Sure thing B, just food first okay?”

“Definitely okay!”

“And then I dunno, maybe a little desert? A little bit of pie for afters?”

“I don’t think we have any pie, I can check the fridge, pop out and get one?”

More confusion as her tongue trips out to slide at lips, as her eyes do that devilish thing again. “Not that kinda pie B, I was thinking more, ya know… your kinda pie?”

“Do you ever give up?”

“I’ll give up when you do.”

And I want to. Showing her just how much I want to as my mouth comes closer to hers, as my own tongue slips out to slide around her lips, kissing as deeply and as urgently as I have dared to since she had woken up to me three days ago. Letting loose just a little of the passion which is firing so steadily through my veins for her.

“Now THAT is more like it. I swear B, you keep kissing me like that and I’ll be back on my feet in no time.”

“I keep kissing you like that and we’ll never get you off of your back. Now come on, lets get that pizza that your tummy keeps demanding.”

“And then the pie?”

I just laugh as I help her up. As I take a little of her weight to steady her on the way to the door. She is after all, still a little weak. The sickness may have been not so obvious today, but her body is still feeling the affect of everything that the Geraldo style leech did to her. And it makes me smile to think of what she did to it. Makes me smile more with the knowledge that she is finally going to let me tell her.

Chapter 32

POV Faith

What’s the opposite to déjà vu? Cos I have it. I hear all of the words, I see all of the smiles, and yet all I can remember is the absolute feeling of the bad. There is nothing familiar to me in anything that they say. All that I can recall is the way that it feels to have evil sliding it’s way through me, knowing beyond anything else that it damn well belongs there too. Yeah. That’s what I remember, just the memory of memories. Seeing all of my proudest moments back to back, all of the hurt, all of the pain… and all of it courtesy of me. So you can understand why I don’t have the smiles to return, why I can’t stand up and lead the cheers of ‘go me!’, because to me it all still sounds like so much crap.

It doesn’t make sense any other way. I would remember if I had been a hero, if I had walked through that portal, as Buffy says I did, and thrust myself at the leech to distract it from her. If I had buried my arms elbow deep into the tendrils of darkness to force them to suck everything from me whilst she rescued Tara… I KNOW I would remember. My whole fucked up life I just wanted to be good enough, and there is no way that I would forget a moment that finally proved to me that good was what I was. What I am. No. I would remember.

“Faith?”

And Giles can slide the paternal tone into his voice all damn night if he wants to, it still won’t make me nod my agreement.

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I hear you, I really do… but it doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t change what I know.”

“You were in a different dimension, fighting in the very pit of all evil, do you really expect that the beast wouldn’t have the power to affect your perception, your memories?”

“You tell me. Kinda screwy how it messed with my memories and not B’s though, not Tara’s either, you got an explanation for that one?”

I know I smirk as he bows his head, and I know I don’t mean to. It’s just all too fucked up. The whole gang gathering round to tell tales of big brave Faith, and me just sitting here feeling like stupid small Faith. I let my head bow too, let it stay that way until more words are spoken.

“When ‘I’ came out I was different, I had no real memory of time and experience, I was completely reduced to a feral existence. It’s different for everyone Faith, you can’t just dismiss what we’re saying because we can’t show you proof.”

“I can Angel, I can and I will…”

“No.”

I let my eyes travel to her. To Buffy. All the way across the room where I had made her sit. She wanted to sit with me, of course she did, but I couldn’t allow that. Couldn’t let her charm the words into me with soft and sure touches, let her cloud my memories of badness with the sweet feel of goodness. But she looks at me now and I wish that she was close to touch, to soothe. I can take my own pain, I can take years of it, but it’s so much harder to see hers.

“Aren’t you even going to let me speak Faith? I thought that that was the point in this, that you were going to listen, that you were going to hear.”

“Well all I’ve heard so far B, is a whole lot of shit I don‘t understand, do you have anything different to add?”

I know that my tone is harsh, but I’m just not able to stop it. Even as her eyes cloud over with broken emotion, I just can’t let it go. This feeling of failure, this feeling like I fucked it all up again.

“Well I have something to add, how ‘bout you listen to me?”

Gunn’s smooth as silk voice slides it’s way across the room, ripping my focus away from her pain. I had forgotten for an instant that there was still an audience, not only the Scoobs, but the LA gang as well, all of them having this nice little pow-wow to make me feel all good about myself. It’s going well. Really.

“You weren’t even in there Gunn, what the fuck do you know?”

“Don’t give me that crap. Where’s the feisty Faith I first met in LA? The girl who could take ten rounds of pounding and then dish out ten more, cos I’m telling you girl, there ain’t no way that that Faith would’ve gone into no messed up hell dimension and laid herself down for evil to bite a slice, not a chance.”

“You wasn’t there.”

“Wrong. I was right there. I was making slimy sushi outta those leech sized tentacles the whole time you were in there fighting. I know what I saw, what I heard… and girl you’ve got it all messed up.”

I want to bang my head hard against a wall. Either I am really wrong, or they are all in this together… I just… argh, it feels like maybe…

“I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

“Yay! A breakthrough!”

“Yeah, funny Cordy. Thanks.”

“I’m not going for the humour, but Jesus Faith, you’re as bad as the other one with the overload of feeling sorry for yourself. Get over it, you did good. Be proud. Don’t make me knock the sense into you.”

I eye her up as she stands from her seat, all purposeful and strong. Her tone not leaving any room for comebacks or argument. Just a minute to sit here and to think. To wonder again what the fuck really did happen inside of that damn portal.

“Okay.”

“Okay what?”

“I wanna hear B’s side to it, and Tara… both of you were there, I’ve got the low down on what these goons saw from the outside, so tell me… what really happened?”

I just want to know the truth. Not made up bullshit to make me feel better, but the truth. If I fucked up, so be it, I can live with that…

“I can tell you what I remember?”

I smile my approval at Tara, a wary smile that says I will listen. I can’t promise that I’ll believe what she says, but I will try to listen. Try to hear.

“I don’t know how long I was in there, I know how long they say it was… but time was different inside. It was like I could feel myself getting weaker, but nothing was hurting me… I saw Warren consumed, I… I wanted to help him, but I couldn’t move, like I was trapped…”

Willow’s hand is twisting softly through her hair as she speaks, fingers making soft blonde tendrils, instead of the dark and nasty kind. It makes me look to B again, makes me wish that I had allowed her to sit closer.

“…I was just waiting, I knew that you would come, that all of you would come… and then you did. I heard my Willow’s words to open up the portal, I watched as you and Buffy took those first steps inside… and I watched as Buffy fell.”

You what?

I know my eyes fly to both of them, two open faces offering me confirmation of a fact that I hadn’t heard before. I had never allowed the tale to progress this far, not allowed voices to get past the first lies of hero, and now it just brings more confusion, complete and utter confusion.

“I don’t… B didn’t fall, ‘I’ fell…”

“No Faith, listen to her… just listen, please?”

Buffy’s plaintive plea is enough to hold me back from cursing out disapproval, from cursing out my shock. I want to. I have a whole list of ‘what the fucks’ just dying to get out and be heard, but her tone, her voice, her eyes which look more tired than mine feel, they all reach in and touch me, they quieten me.

“You didn’t fall Faith, I don’t know what you saw, what you remember, but YOU did not fall… you pulled Buffy free, you were screaming so loud, she was screaming so loud, and you just pulled her free…”

“But…”

“No buts, it’s true. Tara’s telling the truth. When I stepped through that portal all that I could feel was totally alone. Deep down inside, alone. I lost sight of you Faith, all I could see was every bad thing I have ever done, I saw Finch, I saw myself leaving you… and I saw him. I saw Spike…”

“But…”

“Hey! She said no buts!”

Dawn shrieks it out as I try and break the story again, try and break my way through all of the bullshit and lies. I get that she wants to hear the story too, that she wants the confirmation in her young mind that I am the big brave hero she’s built me up to be. But this did not happen, I would remember. I would know if it had happened that way. I offer her a subdued wink, offer the room a weary sigh as Buffy begins to speak again.

“After you pulled me free from it, I could focus again, I could see Tara, I knew what I had to do, and I didn’t stop to think, I thought that you were with me, at my side… I didn’t realise that it had you too, that it was already creeping it’s way up your leg, wrapping around you… and god, I didn’t know that you were gonna fight it like that…”

“Fight it?”

“It’s true Faith, Buffy was busy rescuing me, and you were busy grabbing at every slimy piece of evil leech that you could get your hands upon…”

“No…” They have it so wrong, it all sounds so wrong! “…I could feel it inside of me. Jesus, guys… it was inside of me!”

“Actually, that kinda came later.”

Tara’s soft smile tries to lighten my load, but all I can do is to want the wall again. And the head smashing. Possibly really hard.

“You threw the first punch, I think you made it angry, it sounded angry, and that’s when it went inside of you, not before that.”

I just don’t know what to say. I don’t say anything, I just sit here and I wait until Buffy’s tones come back through the silence. Words which are coated in so much more than pain, which tug at something which I do remember.

“I watched it Faith, I saw it get you… I had Tara, I thought we were doing so well, and then I heard you scream, it was… god, it was just so bad, I turned and it had you, all of those sick evil things going inside of you, and the smell… it smelt, I don’t know, it smelt like burning flesh, like it was scorching from the inside…”

“I guess that explains the stink then.”

“Huh?”

“I keep getting these sniffs of burning flesh, makes sense if it was my flesh burning.”

“Well that’s just it, I don’t think it was you burning.”

And I can’t follow this shit anymore.

“So who was burning? You were burning? Tara was burning?”

“No, IT was burning. Whatever you were doing to it Faith, you were hurting it…”

“But I wasn’t doing anything! Don’t you all get that? I didn’t DO anything!”

I have to take a break from this. The confusion, the frustration. Pulling myself gingerly up to standing and stalking from the room, out to the kitchen and grabbing a drink. Splashing cooling water across my face as I try to wash away some of the fucked up feelings.

“Why won’t you believe them Faith?”

“Oh that’s just fucking great, I come out here for a bit of peace and quiet, so you damn well follow me out here? Can’t you just give me a minute Angel? Just a fucking minute.”

“And can’t you just calm down? Try deep breaths.”

And I do try, I am trying… but damn it! I want to punch something, maybe everything. It’s just such a fucking frustration not remembering a god damn thing that they say that I did, not remembering anything which means something.

“Don’t fuck with me okay. I’m fine, I just want a moment to chill.”

He’s brave enough to come closer, to take the soda from my hand and to pop the ring pull. Holding it back out to me like some kind of sacred gift.

“You don’t think I can open my own soda now?”

“I think that you can do anything you put your mind to Faith, but that doesn’t mean that you can turn your back on help when it offers itself to you. That’s all everybody is trying to do here, they want to help you.”

And here comes my sigh.

“I get that, really… but don’t you get how hard this is? I don’t remember anything Angel, not a thing! All of it sounds like crap to me. It feels like crap.”

“Maybe you don’t remember, because you won’t remember.”

“And maybe you’re as full of shit as the rest of them.”

But I don’t mean it. He may be full of brooding melancholy, but he is not full of shit. Neither are the others… maybe it’s just me.

“What would be so terrible in listening to them, in believing in them like they believe in you? Surely you can give them that much, they deserve that much.”

“They do, I know they do… but it’s not about that, right? You know the score Angel, you know the ins and the outs of how it all works, of how ‘I’ work, so you tell me?”

“You want me to tell you?”

“Of course I fucking do! Someone has to make sense for me.”

I feel like I’m pleading, and I know just what he is going to say. My truth as he sees it, the truth as it is for me. Something which can’t be cured with any quick tales of bravery, stories of you did this and they did that. No matter how many voices want to speak it, there are just so many reasons that I can’t hear it. Can’t just accept it.

“You’re scared of believing in yourself, you’re terrified that it’s really the truth, because if it is, and it really is Faith, then you’re gonna have to stop doubting everything, doubting yourself… no more questions, no more drunken screams to the PTB. If you accept this, then you know that you’re good enough. And that is as bigger fear for you as being not good enough. Am I right?”

“You know that you’re right.”

And it does sound like sense to me. Not portals and tendrils and doom and gloom. Just the underlying truth of it all. I want so bad to be good enough, and yet I’m so damn scared that I might be. That everything which my whole life has been built upon will come crashing down around me. I’ve learnt to live with self doubts, I’ve had to learn to live with them… and now the thought of living without them is just so totally and utterly terrifying.

I let my dusty eyes meet his, shine my acceptance of the words to him as I feel my body deflate. Let his cool hands pull me tight into a hug.

“You have to let it go Faith, you can’t keep punishing yourself for every bad act, every bad deed. You have a purpose, you have a calling, and the only thing which will stop you from being your best is yourself. You’re the only thing strong enough to ever hold you back.”

“You have to say that, you’re a friend.”

“No, I don’t have to say anything, if I wanted to, I could say that you drink too much and that your language is appalling, that would be a friend thing to say. But not this, this is the truth, and you know it’s the truth. Now you just have to accept it.”

Yeah.

“You think I drink too much and my language is appalling?”

But I will scoot the issue. I heard him, it’s in there, but I’m not about to get all touchy feely with Angel in the kitchen, he knows me. He knows how I deal, and I trust that he’ll play along like he always does. Like I need him to. Pushing myself back from his hold to support myself against the counter. Not prepared to show a lack of strength, when all that I’m trying to do is to hold onto my strength.

“Yes on both counts Faith, you’d put a sailor to shame, a whole boatload of sailors. Irish sailors. But this really isn’t about that.”

“It isn’t? Cos bitching at a girl’s habits is a big issue Angel, you’ve gotta give me the chance to defend my honour.”

And here comes the look that just screams of the brooding and the melancholy and the oh so deep down intensity.

“No Faith, no defence necessary. You are who you are and you have to accept that, the same way as all of us do. You can strip away the language and the drinking, and the ‘five by five’ fast living, but underneath it all you’re still the same person. It’s about time that you looked inside and saw the goodness there, stopped trying so hard to hide behind the bad.”

“You think I’m hiding?”

“Aren’t you?”

And what the fuck do I know?

I let out another of the sighs which signal how much I don’t know and how tired I am. Tired of all of it. “I don’t know Angel, I wanna believe it, getting a gig as a hero instead of a fuck up sounds cool, but…”

I see it all again. I feel it all again. The darkness and the deeds. Twisting tight inside of me.

“…how do I know? How do I know what’s truth and what’s bullshit? How do I…”

“How do you trust? Because that’s what it all comes down to, trust. You don’t trust yourself, your own judgement of good, so you have to go back inside that room and look around at all of the people who want to talk to you. Do you think that Buffy would lie to you? Do you think that any of them could lie to you? Can you trust them?”

“What the hell is this Angel, fifty thousand fucking questions?”

I pull long and hard at the can wishing that it was more than soda, wishing that I could feel the harsh kick that told me I wouldn’t have to think for too much longer. But it’s still just soda. Still just me positioned under Angel’s knowing eyes.

“Are you ready to go back in there Faith? Are you ready to listen?”

And he really didn’t get the deal with the questions.

“I think I’m through with the listening for tonight.”

“You can’t keep hiding.”

“I’m not fucking hiding!”

“Well that’s good, cos I’m gonna say that the screaming kinda gives away your position… you do know that we can all hear you in there?”

I turn to see Willow looking almost apologetic for disturbing us, and I just wanna kiss her. Trying to deflect Angel when he’s in serious ‘setting you straight’ mode, can be pretty damn wearing, and she has just saved me from a whole lot more of it.

“Hey Red, you come to drag me back in there too?”

“Nope, no dragging, just refreshments. Anya’s pretty upset that you’re making her miss her supper, Dawn’s looking like she should’ve hit the sack hours ago, and all of the guys from LA just look like they wanna be, uh… in LA. So I’m getting drinks. Drinks and cookies.”

And drinks and cookies do sound good. Much better than trust and goodness and badness and portals. I offer to help, to carry a tray of the sweet stuff back into the lounge which is now full of the heartfelt glances. Eyes which all look to me in some kind of fucked up sympathy. A total overload of the caring and sharing. And I just sit here pretending that my cookie holds more interest than all the rest of them put together, not even finding the courage to lose my eyes in B. Scared of the disappointment I’ll find there.

“Are we ready to reconvene?”

And how about a no?

“I think that maybe Faith has had enough for tonight Giles, perhaps we can do this tomorrow, after everybody has had some sleep?”

“I really think that it would be advisable to get through it all now Angel, I understand that Faith is weak, but surely it would be better to finish with it tonight, rather than prolonging the agony.”

“And ‘I’ don’t want to miss my supper for nothing! Faith can take it, she’s a big strong slayer!”

“Quite obviously your supper is top of our agenda Anya…”

“Can you all just shut the hell up?”

Her voice makes the whole room turn. Makes me turn.

“Sorry guys, really, but I am so utterly exhausted, and so is Faith. There won’t be anymore of this tonight, I don’t care about suppers and prolonging the agony, or any of that other crap… all I know is that in the next ten minutes I will be putting Faith firmly into bed. What you guys choose to do is up to you.”

And no one is going to argue with her. She is already standing, already lifting Dawn and pointing her in the direction of the stairs, already turning to me and holding out her hand. And what is there for me to do, except take it?

I could count every crack in the ceiling another fifteen times and it still wouldn’t speed the seconds up enough for her to be here. Ten minutes? I’ve been sat here for twenty. Putting me to bed? I’m just about ready to collapse on my own. But still I sit here and I wait. I’ve acted like an ass to her tonight, excluding her from my touch, not listening to her words. Not even meeting her eyes. And now all that I can do is to sit here and wonder if the cool feel of her hand is the only touch she is going to give me tonight. It would probably be all that I deserve.

I just… it’s so easy to say the words, to speak to B about good enough not mattering, about how loving each other is enough to see us through, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe it does matter. Maybe I am still hiding, using fancy phrases to get me out of tight situations, pretending I can make the world a better place, when I haven’t even got the guts to make myself a better place. To let go of all of the crap which I allow to hold me back. I never figured on myself as a martyr, as a sack of self pitying bullshit, but maybe that’s exactly what I am…

The door handle turning is enough to make me jump, to make me hold myself ramrod straight and await her entry, watching as she comes through the door with her eyes held firmly on the floor, fussing endlessly around the room as she makes a grab at her bed clothes.

“B?”

“Uh-huh?”

Not looking, just moving.

“Are you pissed at me?”

“Why would you think that?”

“There’s the not looking at me, the clipped tones… it’s all there.”

And now she does look, arching those eyebrows high up on her face. “All night you’ve ignored me Faith! All night!”

“I didn’t… I wasn’t ignoring you.”

“Well I guess that just makes me stupid then, because it sure felt like you were ignoring me. The sitting yourself all the way across the room, the not hearing a god darn word I had to say… oh, and of course the secret little, not so hushed, conversations with Angel in the kitchen. Yep! Definitely stupid me.”

She’s pacing back and forth as if wearing a hole in the carpet is gonna make it all make sense, when all that it’s really gonna do is tire her little legs out even more.

“B stop, I’m sorry okay. I acted like an ass, and I’m sorry.”

“Carry on.”

“I uh…” And where are the words? The ones which say everything I feel. The ones which explain how hard it is to even begin to imagine that I’m chocked full of the good stuff instead of all the bad.

“Oh look, and now I get the silence. I’m gonna go to bed Faith, we can talk this one through in the morning. I’m exhausted, I know you’re exhausted, so lets just leave it. Get some sleep.”

“But Buffy…”

“No! I am so sick of hearing your ‘buts’, can you not just listen to me? Just this once, I’m tired Faith, I want to sleep. You can go over every reason that I’m talking crap to you, that I would lie to you, in the morning. That’s it. Now close your eyes.”

“Close my eyes?”

“You think I’m putting on a show for you tonight? Either close your eyes or I’m going in the bathroom to get changed.”

And man is she pissed! I do close my eyes though, it’s kinda scary… since we’ve been, I don’t know, together, she hasn’t been pissed at me at all. And I don’t like it. Or I like it too much. Something to consider as I imagine the pulling off of clothes over the tightness of curves. As I imagine her standing there butt fucking naked and raging her words out at me.

“Do you think this is funny?”

“Can I open my eyes?”

“No! God, you are so infuriating! I’m trying to be pissed at you Faith, could you at least quit with the smirking?”

Oops. I didn’t realise I was smirking out loud. Put a lid on the thoughts Faith, a lid for the naughty thoughts.

“I wasn’t smirking. I was… uh, grimacing?”

“Well quit!”

Holding my breath as the seconds tick by, dying to peek just a little, just a tiny little look see.

“Okay, I’m done. Your turn.”

I catch the clothes she tosses, my arm outstretching before my eyes have even opened, feeling like my slayer senses are all slipping right back into alignment. Something in this room just making them tingle and buzz with a certain deep intensity.

“Are you gonna close your eyes B?”

The hairs along my arm all standing to quick attention with the look that she gives me. Disdainful and pissed. And damn fucking hungry. Imploring my legs to feel the strength of the moment as I make a try at standing before her. At reaching out my hand to touch her. Not with coolness, but with heat. Forgetting pissed, just feeling this.

“Faith…”

Tracing the neck line to her bed shirt, the soft skin which marks the curve of her neck, eyes fixing onto the pulse which beats so strongly, which calls for me to touch.

“I’m pissed at you, do you understand that?”

“I get that.”

Feeling the fire in her gaze as she demands that I look at her, as her hand slips firm behind my head and commands that I look at her. And I’m not moving, I am so deep in those eyes.

“You hurt me tonight Faith, you pushed me away again… you talk about me not hiding, you give great sermons on me not hiding, and yet you still try and push me away. Why do you do that?”

My fingers are dropping down from her neck to slide across the front of her shirt, to seek the opening which sits so temptingly at her navel, to glide across skin and to revel in her gasps.

“I’m not pushing you away now, am I?”

“Stop it.”

Feeling the dip at the base of her back, bringing my hands into meet so as she is here in my hold. But not moving my eyes, nothing being able to tear my eyes away from the things which I see in hers. The things which speak louder than words. “You don’t mean that B.”

And feeling the trip as she hooks a leg around mine and sends me crashing back down onto the bed.

“Yes Faith, I do mean it. Now are you gonna get changed or are you sleeping in your clothes?”

“Maybe I’ll just sleep naked, you got any problem with that?”

Because I can do that. I can uncover myself to cover my embarrassment at her rejection of me. The way she doused the flames I was so expertly stoking.

“You can do what you like, I’m going to sleep.”

“What, you’re not even gonna help me? I’m still kinda weak B, I need a little helping.” And there is nothing at all hungry in the way which she looks at me now, just a little sad maybe, a whole lot sad.

“There’s only one thing weak about you Faith, and it has nothing to do with your physical strength.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means goodnight, it means sleep well, and it means that the sooner you can stop questioning yourself, the sooner I can stop questioning us.”

“You’re questioning us?”

“I’m going to sleep.”

“B?”

“Goodnight.”

And she turns her back to me. No little kisses that have marked out my last three days of living, just her back and her words. I don’t take off my clothes, I don’t even get beneath the sheets, I just lay and I count those cracks in the ceiling again. No times enough to have her coming back to me. Nothing ever enough to stop me from questioning myself. I let my eyes fall closed on the sight of the distance between us, an abyss I’m not brave enough to cross. I just love her so much, the only thing I’m certain of, the only thing I don’t doubt. And I can’t bear the thought of her questioning us. I need us. I need her. It is all that I can think about as I let myself drift down into sleep.

I feel it coming over me like a fog in the distance, rolling closer, coming closer, just waiting to engulf me, to consume me. And I know what it is, what it means. How the nightmares begin. Trapped in this sleep time confinement that allows no escaping of prisoners, the feeling just as bad as the portal itself. Hearing again the cock sure words which have fallen from my mouth every single night since I came back around, taunting me with the dread I had felt, the warning I should’ve listened to.

‘Don’t get eaten.’

Ha fucking ha. Feeling the touch of her hand as I turn to face the wall, the pinprick growing bigger… the void opening before us. And god do I try. Every word they have spoken, every sigh they have suffered for me, I try and hang onto it all. Try and see with my own eyes what they saw with theirs. Just blackness, the same fucking blackness.

‘B?’

My voice ringing hollow in my ears as I start the nightly search for her, as my knees graze with the sensation of falling.

‘Buffy?’

Still nothing. I know how this plays. I wait for the first slip, the first feel as the tendrils reach up and around me, the hoarse screaming which I know will rip harsh from my throat any second now. The loneliness surrounding me, the badness inviting me. Just waiting to see the show, to feel the first sense of shame as I take a look at a younger sized me. So full of crap, so full of badness. Swapping sex for beer, beer for sex, fast living and ‘five by five’, all of it just waiting here to slap me hard around the head, to remind me again of all that I am.

‘BUFFY!!!’

Ah yeah. There it goes. My scream as I see her fall right in front of me, the rage which consumes me as I deny evil the chance to ever taste the flavour of her goodness.

And what the fuck?

That didn’t happen! That isn’t how it happened! The pain infusing through me as I throw her from it’s path, my arms screaming out in god forsaken agony as I try for dear life to hold on to it, to keep it all back from her.

‘Oh fuck… argh…’

The words sounding the same, but the pictures all different. My head spinning in absolute confusion, worse than confusion. Two movies, back to back. Side by side. Not a kid full of shit, but a kid living in shit, seeing the stark bareness of walls which I had faced every night. Swapping sex not for beer, but for comfort, to feel like someone cared enough to touch me, to hold me. Whooping out the joy of my first slay, not because I was a badass, but because finally it felt like I had some control, like I had power. Not for anyone else, but just for me. I had power over me. The sickening feel of a cloven caress, still here, still prying into me… but different…

‘God no, please god, no…’

Begging that he take my life for hers… I was a slayer, I was replaceable, but not her… not marking me with her blood in that way, my first taste of absolute failure. The hissing of evil still haunting this nightmare with placating stabs of agreement, the tendrils wrapping tighter around my hands as I seek to beat them down. My eyes fighting the screen to shine bright on B as I see her lift up Tara, as she takes her into her arms… safe…

‘Buffy…’

Not knowing if she hears me, just feeling it flow right through me as her eyes lock into mine. The horror on her face… horror at me? My vision split between an unknown truth, and that which I am sure of. A memory which they say isn’t real, and a truth that I can’t remember. Oh fuck, all spinning in front of me, too much to see, too much to feel. Sunnydale assaulting me again as I train all of my strength into taming the beast, breaking my hand free and thrusting it with such speed, so deep inside of it, feeling her strength as my strength, striking a first blow for good…

‘Thanks B, I couldn’t have done it without ya.’

The sickening dread as it slips right inside of me, so different than before, like a fight to the death, the leech versus me. Evil versus… good? Taunting tones hurting me as it sucks at all of the things which I long to forget, as it slides inside the place I had always reserved for Buffy, the darkness that resides in unquenched desire, in all of the wanting, none of the having. And I fight it so fucking hard. Fight so hard to clear the fog that taints my view, that keeps me wrapped up in tireless edits of endless stakings of men that should never have been staked. Is it real, is this real? Struggling even in this dreamscape to keep the breath inside of my lungs, to keep the leech from pulling me down.

‘I don’t care…’

Thrusting my arms in deeper to pull back everything that it is stealing from me. The cocky smirk not a smirk at my smart ass little self, but a smirk at the fucked up face of evil. And I feel it howl. As I slide my arms in up to their hilt I hear it fucking bellow out a scream, and oh my god… I do remember. I fucking remember this! I’ve heard this scream before, I’ve fought this beast before.

‘Oh god, please… no more…’

I remember my words as I looked to B, as I saw her carry out Tara through the portal, knowing that I was done, that it didn’t matter anymore. No matter what… I had done it, I had stayed strong enough long enough for her to get Tara out. Not caring at the smell which rose up, which rises up again now, the sweet sick smell of burning flesh… not caring that I can feel the soft slide up my arms as it crawls deeper and deeper inside of me…

‘There’s my little firecracker…’

And I wanna stop and wave, because she is here, and I am not. Not caring this time as I see again the sick sadistic twisted smile of the undead soulless fucker, because he is here, and I am not. Knowing even as this nightmare wraps me up in it’s hold, that I will be leaving and they will be staying… that she will save me.

‘FAITH!’

And there she is. Blotting out the replay of an over shown bad movie, of events that never even happened, striding back through a portal that looks to be closing, shimmering so softly behind her as the leech sucks out the last that I can give it. And you know that I push it, that I let my fists clench on it as it clenches on me, my heart beating with the pounding sound of evil…

‘FAITH!!’

Just letting the sound of her voice carry me up and away… not caring, not even feeling anymore as the darkness finds a home in my heart, because there isn’t any room there, it doesn’t matter anymore, my heart is full of Buffy.

I Watch removed as she runs her way closer to me. My first time at seeing this, my first time at knowing the truth. The real truth. No longer a nightmare, just a memory… my fists clenching so hard, my face clenching so tight in the twisted grimace of pain, seeing for the first time the light as it shoots straight from me, the way it snakes a path along every tendril, the burning rising up again, sizzling through me, from me, right back into the centre of all evil.

Buffy.

I feel nothing but her inside as it spits me from it’s grasp, as the pain subsides into the sensation of just falling. My fists finally unclenching, my body going limp. I had nothing left to fight… I just had to trust. Had to let myself believe that if I gave it all up, if I let myself fall… that she would catch me, that she could catch me.

And she caught me.

“Faith… oh god, Faith!”

Shaking me, pounding at me. The sick stench of darkness still slipping through my soul, dragging me down, pulling me from her hold. Feeling the emptiness as her hands go from me, letting me fall, leaving me with nothing but the loneliness.

“Guys! I need help in here…”

Trying to open my eyes to see what the fuss is, where the fuss is, why her voice sounds so far away.

“B..?”

“Quiet Faith, don’t talk, don’t move…” Her hands are on me again, and what the fuck is all the excitement for? “…just lay still baby, it’s all gonna be okay.”

“What the…”

“I said be quiet.”

And I try. Trying to hold myself still as I feel something sliding under my skin, making my eyes bulge open as I realise the horror of what she can see. The blackness still inside of me, my body fighting hard to expel it.

“Buffy, what’s going on?”

“Oh god Giles, she was dreaming again, it woke me up… and then this.”

His own eyes bulge as he takes a look down at me. His mouth going from open to shut, to hand over the mouth to stop from…

“Oh fuck…”

My body ripping as I feel it shooting up my throat, bursting forth in streams of uncontrollable black vomit, all over the bed, all over me, all over B.

“I’ll get a bucket, I’ll uh… I’ll get the witches.”

Unless they have some kind of anti puking spell I don’t see what good they’re gonna be, but I can’t argue. My mouth is full of the sickening taste of the burning, laying heavy on my tongue, scratching harsh against my throat. And I just try and concentrate on the touch of her hand, smoothing circles across my back as I let more and more of the bad stuff spill forth. Wondering just how much of this evil shit I have left inside of me.

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay.”

My whole body sweating as I fucking turn inside out, expecting any moment to look down and see my entrails laying in pretty patterns across the bed. Great heaving gasps as I try to pull oxygen back into my lungs. As I just try and breathe.

“Buffy? Giles said…”

And almost losing it now at the look on Willow’s face. At her empty attempt at trying to thrust a bucket in front of my mouth, when already I’ve soaked the whole of the bed.

“It’s okay Will, I think it’s nearly over.”

“Right, well… I’m just gonna go to the bathroom, lose a little of those cookies which were sitting a whole lot nicer before I saw this, possibly I’m gonna lose tomorrow’s breakfast too…”

“Hey sweetie, what’s the problem?”

“Uh… no problem Tara, just uh…”

Wishing I could lock the damn door so as the whole damn house doesn’t get to come and admire the sight of me losing my guts.

“Oh goddess, is she… is she okay Buffy?”

“She’s fine, she just… it’s just more of the sickness. First time today, I thought we were over it.”

And I wanna tell her. I so bad want to stop for just a moment, just so I can tell her. I know what it is! I figured it out, all by myself, little old Faithy. Losing my guts but gaining some insight. I beat it! I beat the fucking evil, and now it’s got no where left to go, no hidden places inside of me that wanna give home to it’s whispering words of dark deceit. It’s gotta come out, it’s all coming out.

“Should I do something?”

“I wouldn’t come too close unless you wanna get sprayed, uh… just keep Dawn out okay? I don’t want her worrying…” She breaks from the command to rub again at my back, to whisper sweet words of comfort, to hold me closer no matter how much of the sickness I inflict upon her bedclothes.

“…maybe you could get some towels? I don’t know… a whole closet full of towels?”

“Right, towels. I think Giles is brewing tea, do you think she feels like tea?”

And no!

“Maybe when she’s done.”

“No…”

“Quiet Faith, don’t try to talk.”

“I’ll go get the tea and towels, I’ll be right back… and hang in there Faith, you’ll be fine.”

Her eyes slip to mine as she says my name and I see her little smile for me, even as I lay here writhing in my own putrid puke, she finds a smile for me. I wanna say something, but apart from the fact that my mouth feels full to the brim with slimy evil toads, I also know that Buffy would hush any of my attempts at speaking again. It makes me open my mouth even wider to let it all out, letting it just stream into more pools of darkness in front of me. Not trying to stop it, just letting it flow free. All of it out. Grabbing quick for air as I feel the final pieces slide from my throat, as finally at last, my body feels clean again. As I not only know the truth, but I feel the truth. I WAS good enough.

“That’s it baby, just breathe.”

Slipping her hands through my crusted up hair, to pull it back from my face, her eyes shining bright with confusion as I show her my most dazzling smile. Or maybe something close to a smile. I’m covered in shit, it really is hard to tell.

“B, I…”

“No talking, not yet… wait till it’s passed, just let it all out.”

“But it…”

“No! My god, you really do have trouble listening to me, don’t you?”

Shaking my head, not at her words, but at HER complete inability to listen to me!

“I’m okay B, it’s over.”

“How about you let me be the judge of that, huh?”

“No, I mean, it’s over.”

My words not ready yet to make complete sense, my mind still tumbling with the realisation that I was wrong, I was so fucking wrong. Because I was so fucking right. Me. Big bad me, with a soul full of darkness, I was right, I was good, and I swear I’m gonna start dancing any minute. Kinda like a funny feeling, like all of a sudden I’m just bursting with the light stuff… which reminds me…

“The light B, what the fuck was the light?”

“The what? Are you okay? Are you hallucinating, you want me to turn the lights down?”

She keeps rubbing at my hair, at my back, at every sick covered part of me, and I just laugh. I swear it’s all that I can do. I full on, straight up, from the bottom of my belly, I laugh!

“Buff, is she okay… I heard…”

Not caring as Wills come back from her bathroom jaunt, as Tara crowds into the doorway with the biggest damn stack of towels I have ever seen, because this is the best day of my life. I don’t care if I look crazed and manic, if even B is edging a little way back from me now, because I’m gonna keep laughing. It sounds so good. It IS good.

“Faith, baby… are you, can you… stop?”

“No way B…”

Collapsing my weight back to lying, and not even giving a shit that I’m wallowing in everything that my body just threw out. I feel great, I feel fucking great. So strong, so fucking strong and so fucking good!

“I brought the tea. Oh… oh my, is she quite alright Buffy?”

I try and stop the howling laughter, try and catch my breath to catch her eyes. Shining, they’re fucking shining at me. Not questioning me, no room for questions here, just shining. Making my eyebrows dance wild across my face as I look to her, as I trust that she will understand, she will feel it.

“Yes Giles, yes… she’s fine. She’s absolutely fine.”

And now she IS caught up in it. This private sensation that no other girl in the world can share, not one of them, it’s all me and her, it’s just me and her. Forget earlier, forget my hiding and running and playing at scared, I’m not scared, I’m a slayer for fucks sake, I beat evil, I fucking pound evil, and this is the girl that I do it all for.

“I’m fine Giles… really, just give me a moment…”

Pausing to find words, yet still not stopping the full wattage grin from lighting up the room. And it tugs at me again. The light, what the fuck was the light? I wish I could form the words to question the man in the know, but all that I can do is to lay here gibbering nonsense as they try and make a start at cleaning me up. Even Dawn allowed into the room, now that I’ve finished regurgitating the evil.

“That is so gross! I am so not going to school tomorrow, I’m scarred, totally scarred from living in this house…”

“It’s cool kiddo, B’s got a therapy fund for ya, ain’t you B?”

“Oooh, a fund? I have a fund?”

“There’s three dollars in my wallet, help yourself.”

And the look on her face sets me off again laughing. I know they all think that I’m a little with the skating close to crazy, but no way. B knows the deal, she’s laughing too. Even Dawn replacing the quizzical looks with a little of that Summer’s shine.

“I’m taking that three dollars, and I’m going back to my bed. Please don’t wake me again. Oh… unless there’s zombies! I never get a good look at the zombies.”

She leaves the room as if this has just been another normal night in the life of an American teenager. Makes me look to Giles and wish that she was British. Or not.

“You know Buff, she’s gonna need a hell of a lot more than that three dollars for therapy. I think I have about twenty put by for books, you want it?”

“Nah Wills, she’s good. If it gets too bad we’ll just lock her in the basement, she won’t need therapy to live down there.”

I let the banter slide it’s way around me, laying here pliant as they take turns at mopping up the mess, helping me take off some of the clothes which I’m glad I didn’t take off earlier. This would be a damn sight more uncomfortable if I was lacking all of the clothes.

“Right, well… uh, I think that’s as much as we can do Buffy. I assume we can leave the err… the rest of her to you?”

“Hey don’t blush Giles, it’s all good stuff under here.”

“I don’t doubt that Faith, not in the slightest.”

But he still colours up a little, takes off those glasses to have a quick rub. Even the witches stand up to leave. Collecting up all of the messed up towels and smiling another goodnight. From the birds beginning to chirp outside of the window I’d say it’s closer to morning. Either way it’s good. I’m still feeling the good.

I move from the bed with my new found strength to let her change the linen, stand here not moving as she slips the last of the clothes from my body. Breathing in so deep to stop the words of wanting from spilling from my lips. I do want, oh god do I want, but not now. Now I’m buzzing too much from exhaustion, from exuberance, from every damn thing, and I don’t just wanna lose her in that. When I show her all that I have for her, I want to be clear, I want to be concise. I don’t want to be buzzing from anything except from the feel of her.

“You ready to get back into bed?”

“Yeah, I’m kinda beat ya know, maybe I can get some shut eye without the nightmares now. Gotta be a bonus.”

She pulls the covers back and I slide my way inside, not nestling over to her, not quite sure if I’m allowed to, if all of this good cancels out the earlier bad. So I just lay here and listen to the sound of her breathing. Like music. Better than music.

“Faith?”

“Yes B?”

“Do you think it’s a little cold in here?”

“Hmmm…” And no. And definitely not. “…uh, yeah. Sure is. You wanna maybe, I dunno…”

“Come a little closer?”

“Yeah, you want me to come a little closer?”

“You do know this isn’t the end of it Faith? I know something’s changed, I feel it… of course I feel it, but I’m still a little pissed at you…”

“I get that, and it’s cool. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

“Yes Faith, we’ll talk tomorrow.” Her head rolls to the side to catch me in her gaze, her arms sliding out to gingerly encircle me. “Preferably after we give you a shower though, cos you know, you kinda stink.”

I want to laugh, but I don’t laugh, I bite my lip really hard not to laugh, instead letting my eyes roll back in mock indignation. Rolling myself onto my back to poke my tongue out at those cracks in the ceiling. “Are you gonna wash my back, B?”

“I might do, but then…” I suck at the air as her hand slides light across my stomach, just the slightest of teasing touches. “…I might wash your front Faith, in fact, you play your cards right and I might just take care of all of the sides.”

And now I purr. I straight up fucking purr. My eyes falling shut as I just lose myself to the sensation of those soft teasing circles, to the thought of B taking care of all of my sides. It makes me want sleep already. It makes me want tomorrow. And more than anything, it makes me want her.

Chapter 33

POV Buffy.

I bustle my way around the room, trying so hard not to wake her. Kinda trying just a little bit to wake her up too. I want her to sleep, to have some solid sense of rest, but more than anything I want her to wake up. Want to see that light shining all bright in her eyes again, the smile that she slips to me whenever she purrs out her words. She hadn’t even stirred when I had got out of bed to get Dawn up for school. Hadn’t uttered a sound as I made my way to dressed, as below in the house, all activity was frantic. Nope. NO stirring at all of the sleeping beauty.

Makes me smile as I look at her now. So peaceful just laying there, so different from the tortured sleep she has been having for the last few days. I pray that this is it now. No more badness, please god, no more badness. And of course I know that there WILL be badness, we’re slayers, it kinda comes with the job… but no more heart stopping badness. Just the normal kind, the little bumps in the night, as opposed to the big old bumps which I am so totally sick of.

And sick. I never want to see anymore of that black stuff! All morning I’ve been running the towels and the sheets through the washer, but all to no avail. Some stuff just won’t shift. Means we need new linen. I hate shopping for linen.

Her soft sigh draws me closer to the bed, the way she tangles her body around the crisp white sheets as she slips from her back to her side. Her hair falling over her face, her eyelids fluttering on a dream that I wish for her is sweet. And I can’t keep my hand away, I don’t want to, I don’t try to. Just reaching out, so slowly, running fingers lightly across the curve of her shoulder, letting my weight go to sitting as I settle down to take a look at everything I have. And it is beautiful. So achingly beautiful.

There’s a part of me that never would’ve believed that she could make me feel quite so much, my heart full to the brim with every good feeling, smiles lighting my face just because. Because when you love like I love her, then you don’t need any other reason. Love IS the reason. I think another part of me has always known it and that is why it all feels so good, so natural, and so right. The chosen two.

She sighs again as I slip the cover a little further down her back, not to think the naughty thoughts, I don’t need to see her naked to think the naughty thoughts, but just to touch some more of her. My fingers growing in confidence every single time that they stroke across her skin.

“Mmmm.”

Smiling wider as a sound like contentment falls from her lips. I want her to be content, I want her to be happy. I want her.

“Faith, baby… you gonna wake up?”

Her nose scrunching a little as my words fall onto her ears.

“I’ve got something for you, if you did want to wake up…”

Marking little teasing patterns across the dip of her collar bone, up to her chin, tracing her lips.

“…I think you’ll like it, it’s really something nice.”

Her sighs, which still sound more like purrs, fall out fast again. Rolling her body so the sight of her breasts rises up to greet me. And oh goooood morning!! Who ever knew that a pair of breasts could make me feel so…

“Morning B.”

Hot.

“Morning yourself, although… it’s kinda more like lunchtime now.”

My lips licking themselves as I try and concentrate on the eyes. JUST the eyes.

“Damn, I guess I was tired.”

“Did you sleep well?”

“Fucking fantastic. Serious B, I don’t think I ever slept that good.”

Trying hard not to pout as she pulls herself up to sitting, as she pulls the sheet with her, wraps herself up. No. Not gonna pout.

“Well that’s good, sleeping good’s good, it’s really good.”

“Sure is girlfriend. Though the waking up is kinda sweet too.”

I smile my pleasure as her hand hooks tight into the front of my top, pulling me down to meet and to greet her, to press a soft kiss against the warmth of her lips.

“Definitely sweet.”

And she smiles too. Both of us sitting here and grinning like idiots. I said I wouldn’t stop grinning like an idiot, and I think that I really meant it. I can’t help the way that she makes me feel, the buzz of completeness that infuses me whenever she is near. And here. And looking so beautiful.

It almost makes me wish that I could forget the ‘serious’ talk that needs to be had. That I could forget about the shower that so needs to be taken to wash the last of the crusty remnants of last night from the mess of her hair. But I won’t forget, I can’t forget. Serious talks with Faith always leave me feeling stronger, more bound, more secure in whatever it is that we have, and I want to feel secure. I don’t just want the buzz with her, I want everything with her. And so I will talk, and I will ask, and I’ll insist upon all of her answers.

“So what do ya have for me B? I’m all wide awake and ready to receive…”

“I’ll bet you are, but no… that’s not it.”

“I saw you scamming on the goodies, I know where your mind is at.”

“Nah-uh, I wasn’t scamming Faith, that was just admiration.” I hope that my tone hides the truth of all that I really want to do to those 'goodies'. “What I do have for you though is food. Lots and lots of food.”

I cast my arm out across the room to the tray I had prepared for her lunch. All sorts of appetising treats to get her belly full and placated. Giles dispatched to the store to fetch a list of groceries that would normally feed an army.

“Looks good, looks damn good.”

I ignore the hungry gaze that she runs across my body and I rise to fetch the food. There will be so much time for feasting upon bodies later, first I want to take care of all of her other needs. I want to know if the strength that I can feel sliding in waves from her now, really is back up to full size. I think that it is, I don’t know the whats or the whys, but I know what I feel, and it feels as if all of the weakness has slid from her system along with the bad.

We take it in turns to slip the food into her mouth. All sorts of bagels and muffins, and fruit of the freshest kind. Her lips always taking longer to accept the food from me, wanting to play games of sucking the juices from the tips of my fingers, of letting her tongue roam free all around them as I just sit here and try so hard not to gasp. Not to moan.

“You alright there B? You look a little flushed.”

Her hand holding mine firm against her mouth, strawberry covered lips holding my eyes as prisoners.

“Yeah… I…” Feeling the throb in my groin as she does feast upon me. Little slow trips of her tongue that travel across each finger, down to the base and back up again. And god, why does so little, feel like so much? “…I’m fine Faith, really…”

“Really, really?”

“Uh-huh.”

Her hand dropping mine now to fall to the sheet, to ever so slowly… oh so slowly, bring it down an inch further… hinting at what’s hiding beneath. So close to the dark contrast that her nipples provide. And I have to stop her, I have to stop her before there is no stopping her, because there is a whole big part of me that is just begging her not to stop.

“Faith, wait.” Trying to sound so commanding, putting my hand onto hers, feeling the heat of her touch. “We need to talk, remember?”

“No way… man, you always wanna find the chat when I wanna find the naughty.”

“Maybe that’s something to do with you always wanting to ‘find the naughty’. And you still need a shower, cos if you think I want to get naughty with a girl that looks like she spent the night sliding through a sewer, then you are SO wrong.”

Or not.

“Well that’s kinda harsh...” She lets her lips curve down, but she can’t stop the shine from being in her eyes. I hope it means that she understands, that she wants to do this properly too. Air out the bad, before we find all the good. The naughty.

“…but I guess I’ll forgive you… as you looked after me so well.”

“I did?”

“Hell yeah. I ain’t never had a girl feed me in bed before, all sorts of other stuff, but never the feeding of the food. I liked it.”

I take the risk and kiss her softly on the lips again. Nothing prolonged, nothing to get me too full of wanting, but just enough to say that I’ll feed her anytime. That I liked it too. When I pull myself back, she isn’t smirking out anymore comments of the hot times, and I take it as the cue to continue. To start with the talking. Again.

“I need you to understand why I was pissed last night Faith, I don’t want to get all high and mighty, but you did hurt me a bit there, and I want to know why?”

“We’re diving straight into it then? No small talk first?”

“You want small talk?”

“I guess not. I always saw it as a waste of time.”

And time is precious.

“So why? Why after everything that we’ve been sharing, did you feel like you couldn’t talk to me? I don’t understand it, really I don’t.”

“It’s not that simple B, it wasn’t a case of just spilling my guts, although I guess the gut spilling of last night helped me some…”

“Last night?”

“Yeah. The sickness. The bad shit. Getting it all out.”

I let her take the time to order her thoughts. Watch as she closes her eyes and takes a few steadying breaths.

“What I said before B, about good enough not mattering, it was all just words, just things which felt like the right thing to say. The way I should feel. But you know, the whole time… man, it’s like, fuck… inside I always wanted to be good, to be better, but I didn’t believe in myself enough to be the better.”

“But you are good enough Faith, you are so damn good.”

“Just words again.”

I go to protest, to speak my own feelings, but her look won’t let me. It demands that I give her the room that she needs to speak.

“Inside that portal B, everything was so messed up, totally fucking messed up. I saw it all, every bad thing, imagined and real… everyway that I could never even dream of being anything other than bad. And I believed it. All the shit I had inside was making me believe it… I thought, I guess I thought… I don’t know. It wasn’t like I thought you were lying to me, I just thought that you were trying to protect me.”

“And now?”

“Now I know that I was lying to myself. I saw the truth B, I felt the fucking truth. All of it...” I watch her as her head shakes, as a little smile pulls up the corners of her lips. “…you were still wrong about the hero part though.”

And I CAN protest this one.

“No way, if you saw it all, then you know what happened. If it wasn’t for you, then we’d all be on the losing side. You ARE the hero and you’re just gonna have to get used to that.”

“Maybe at the beginning, when we first went through, then yeah. But you came back for me B. Both times you came back for me.”

“Both times?”

“Uh-huh. Even when it was the bad stuff, when the evil shit was messing with my memories, whatever… both times you came back for me. You saved me. Damn it girl, you brought me back to life. In my eyes that makes you the hero.”

She is so sweet, and so wrong. And I really do love her.

“I shouldn’t have left you in the first place, I should have made sure that you were standing at my side. God Faith, when I realised what was happening, when I saw what that thing was doing to you… I totally freaked out. Ask Wills, I practically threw poor Tara down, went all sorts of crazy trying to get back inside the portal. It wasn’t about being heroic, I just needed you. I shouldn’t have left you.”

“You had to get Tara out, that was the job. You didn’t have to come back for me though… slayers are replaceable, the world was saved. But you came back. It means a lot.”

And I have to shake my head. Her words just don’t speak the way that they should do. I almost understand. I think. I can’t empathise, I have never been made to feel like less, like the people that love me would ever leave me behind. But I think I understand why she feels what she does. No one ever cared enough to call her names like ‘baby’, and I guess that no one ever really cared enough to not leave her behind.

“Slayers ARE replaceable Faith, you’re proof of that to me. I was replaced, by Kendra, and then by you… but that’s not the point here. The thing that matters, the only thing that matters, is that YOU are not replaceable. I had to come back for you, not just for you, to save you… but for me. I need you and you have to start understanding that.”

“Ain’t never been needed B.”

It isn’t said in pitying tones, in a way which makes me feel sympathy. It is just said the way that it is. “Well now you are. Crazy concept I know, but don’t worry, I’ll help you get used to it. It’ll be like a mission, teach Faith to feel needed.”

She shifts a little in her seat, moves the pillow that she’s resting against, and settles back down. Blows one of her big Faith sighs straight out from her lips. And I have to remember to tell her that being needed, it really isn’t such a burden. That it’s a good thing.

“When I spoke to Angel yesterday, I wasn’t trying to cut you out, to ignore you or anything… but sometimes it feels like he gets me so well. Fuck, he does get me so well. It’s kinda scary.”

“He is perceptive. Comes with age I think.”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s like I heard everything that you and the guys were saying, but I just couldn’t believe it all… I mean, I felt crap still, my memories were all over the place… and it just took Angel to make me realise where I was going wrong. That I was hiding or something.”

She fidgets some more as the tough words come out. Her still a little crusty hair, falling fast in front of her eyes. Maybe still hiding a little. I take the chance and raise my hand, just to slide that curtain back behind her ears, to make her eyes find mine.

“You don’t ever have to hide from me Faith. No matter what it is, what you feel, I will always be there for you. Okay?”

“Easier said than done B. You know…” She draws her gaze away again, drops it to the sheets, to anywhere but me. “…I’m probably more scared of not hiding from you, than anyone else ever. Kinda dumb right?”

“Not dumb, never dumb. Definitely misplaced… but yeah. I get it. I’ve never been one for jumping up and down and shouting out my feelings, in fact, I’m pretty good at hiding things myself… too good sometimes. But I love you Faith…”

Her eyes sweep back up to catch mine. To hold them steady. “…I more than love you. I feel you, and that’s something that I don’t want to hide from anymore. I’m not saying that it’s gonna be easy, most things I do are never easy, but I want to try.”

I can see the way that she’s biting on her lip, and for just a moment I fear that she’s going to tell me that it’s all too much. That hiding from all of our history is just so much easier than finding the place where everything is truly okay between us. A place where we don’t ever have to hide from anything anymore. It’s the little chuckle she gives though that beats back my fear, because I do know her enough to know that our depth of feeling could never be laughed at.

“You know, back in the day, I never would’ve believed we could ever sit and talk like this B. I knew that we could make the damn fine hot stuff, that was a given, but I never believed that we could have the more.”

“Well you better start believing it Faith, because the more is all that I’m interested in.”

And that came out so wrong!

I know it by the smirk on her face, the little piece of herself that she never truly hides. “'All' that you’re interested in? You mean you don’t have any interest in the hot stuff?”

Making me laugh, making me retract my words.

“You know what I mean! Of course I’m interested in the hot stuff, I have a whole heap of healthy interest in the hot stuff, but it’s more than the hot stuff.”

“It really is isn’t it?”

Making me smile at the wonder in her voice. Making me confirm her words.

“Yes Faith. It really is. I’m no expert when it comes to the matters of the heart, but I do know that mine is full of you, and I know that I want the more. More and more of you, no more hiding, no afraid to say the things that we feel inside. I need you, all of you, every little insecurity, every bad habit… I want the lot Faith.”

Her nod is almost imperceptible, the blow of her breath that tells me she has the fears the same as mine. That I would want an easier option than everything that loving her entails. What’s a darn sight more perceptible is the smile that splits her face, the cocky little tone that slips straight back into her voice.

“You want all my bad habits B? Every single one of them?”

“Uh… I think so, maybe you should give me a quick run down, what am I in for?”

“You asked for it girlfriend.” Her body perking up as she pulls her self back up to sit straight, punching the pillow into comfort again. “First off I hog the remote, I hate watching girly crap, got no time for soap operas. I always leave my clothes on the floor, and dirty bath towels, I never clean up after myself, oh, and I belch at the dinner table and I don’t say pardon.”

“You sound like Dawn… except for the soap opera part, that girl loves her soap opera. Is that everything?”

“No way B, that was just the mild stuff…” I give her a look as she gives me that big old shit eating grin. “…I’m ALWAYS horny. There ain’t no way I’m gonna be with you and not want you every minute of the day. Not sure if that’s a bad habit, but it is what it is.”

“Okaaay, I think I can live with that one. Anything else?”

“Nah, I’m done. The rest can be a surprise right? Something to look forward to.”

She wiggles those sexy as anything eyebrows at me, and all that I can do is to think of the things to look forward to. A whole lot of things. Me and Faith. It has me grinning like an idiot.

“What about you B, you got any nasty little habits I should know about?”

“Me? No way, I always tidy up after myself, I never belch at the dinner table, and I take a low fat yoghurt whenever I get the carnal urges. I’m like Mary Poppins.”

“You’ve got a flying umbrella?”

“No! I’m practically perfect in every way!”

She laughs. I laugh. It feels so damn good.

“I dunno B, I reckon you’re hiding a few things. You sure you don’t have a secret little porn addiction, something that you feel you need to keep from me? Cos I can take it… just lay it all on the line for me.”

And the only thing that I really want to lay on is her. She is my addiction, my craving, the thing that I desire above all others. I risk letting it all boil over this time as I move my way back to her lips, the lips which are curving up right into that lustful look again, the look which assures me that the ‘horny all the time’ habit, really wasn’t a joke. And so I give her the kind of kiss that assures her that my ‘I can live with that’ comment, wasn’t a joke either.

Just losing myself in the feel of her mouth as it yields beneath mine, letting me set the pace, letting her tongue dance against my tongue in all sorts of highly erotic ways. Pulling myself slowly back as I suck the last of the kiss from her lips.

“Damn B, you got anymore of those ya wanna lay on me.”

And don’t mention laying again! I really do want to get her in the shower, get her all cleaned up from the ordeal of last night. Still not a hundred percent sure what the ordeal was all about, where it came from. If it really does mean that it’s over.

“I was thinking shower.”

“I like your thinking.”

“I was thinking ‘you’ shower, you do still kinda stink a little. Your hair needs a good scrub…”

“Well you try puking out a hells load of evil and see how you smell!”

She looks a little hurt, so I offer a little placation. Another small kiss, a run of fingertips through the hair that is all sorts of crusty. “I wasn’t bitching Faith, I was just saying…”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. I need a shower!”

Not even thinking as she throws the covers back on all that they have kept hidden, on the body which I can picture every time I close my eyes. It doesn’t stop the sharp intake of breath though, the gasping for air as I let my gaze run wild across each of her curves, over firm sitting breasts and a tummy so tight. And have I ever mentioned that she is beautiful?

“You enjoying the view?”

“Uh-huh.”

Nodding my head in beat with my heart. It’s kinda fast, up and down. Trying to tear my eyes away from the big prize, the only place on her body that I haven’t let my lips wander to yet. Still waiting to taste the essence of Faith.

“If ya hadn’t called me stinky, I’d let ya have a go, but I’m still hurt B. Maybe if you wash my back real good, I can be persuaded to comply…”

And I’m already moving, already pulling myself up to standing and leading the way to the bathroom. I have to lead the way, there is not a chance that I could walk behind her and not just jump her ass. Nope. I’m gonna lead the way and I’m going to wash her back.

And THEN I am going to jump that ass!

*****

I envy the water. Sitting here on the toilet and listening to the sounds of the shower flowing over her, I totally envy the water. I know that I could be in there with her, that I could already be providing the back wash that I had promised I would give, but I wanted to take the time. To prolong the moment until I touch her again, because when I do eventually touch her again, I know how intimate it will be, how it will be an affirmation of everything that we have said to each other… and I do want to wait. For just this moment I want to exist within the temptation, the expectation, with the totally insane feeling that everything I want, everything that I need, is just a seconds touch away.

It’s like the sweetest torture. My voice laughing as she makes a play at singing a selection of shower tunes whilst she washes away the grime, but I’m not really laughing. Nope. No way. Really I’m sitting here just letting all of my slayer type senses come out to play. Eyes tracing her body through the barrier of the shower curtain, ears preening to catch the sound of every movement, every breath that she takes. It’s making me kinda heady. Making me feel that the sweetest torture needs to move into the realms of the sweetest pleasure, and it needs to do it soon. I may have slayer strength, but even my solid strength of will is crumbling fast before her. Letting the wanting take the precedence over the waiting.

“Are you nearly ready for that back wash Faith?”

Almost a whisper, not trusting my voice not to crack over everything that a simple back wash could mean.

“Almost B, gotta get through another shampoo and rinse first, this crap really is tough to shift.”

Her own tones are slightly ragged, making me appreciate that she is prolonging the moment just as much as I am. That for all her comments of now and now and now, she can also value the sensation that exists in drawing it out, in knowing that you can have it, but waiting to experience it. And it’s almost a shame that I already got past the waiting stage.

“I could help you rinse your hair too?”

“You not scared you’ll get covered in crap?”

And I want to be covered in her. I rise slowly, surely, take a long moment to peel the top from my body, unclasping a bra to let my skin feel free, unburdened. Hands popping the buttons on jeans and stripping them away from my legs. Hooking in panties and making them vanish. It’s almost as erotic as when she strips me bare, because I know that I’m stripping for her. Know that inside of that shower, even under the roar of the water, her ears will pick up the sounds. That her mind will be telling her that I am now naked, that I’m coming to get her.

I take a small second to look in the mirror, to see the grin which still isn’t moving from my lips. It’s nothing like seductive, nothing like a sex kitten, but it does speak volumes on how much she means to me. I just can’t stop smiling. Keeping it firmly in place as I turn my attention to pulling back the curtain, to offering her all that I am. Just me. Just for her.

“Hey.”

“B… you look…”

And her words stop there. Instead she lets her eyes do the talking, running them slowly all over me like a lovers caress, her tongue darting out to lick at lips which glisten from the water of the shower.

“Is there room in there for two?”

Still no more words, just a hand reaching out to take mine, linking fingers through my fingers to help me step inside. Not pulling me close to her, just standing me in front of her. The steam of the shower doing absolutely nothing to stop the bumps of shivers from raising high across my skin.

“You cold B?”

“No, not cold.”

Speaking words but not hearing them, communicating in so many different ways other than with words. In the way that my chest slips into rhythm with hers, in the way that our eyes just can’t tear apart, can’t break through the intensity of this gaze.

“You wanna share the shower?”

Feeling as she steps back, as her hand which is still linked to mine pulls me ever so delicately forwards, the steady streams of water breaking from behind her to touch against my skin.

“You like that B? Is the temperature okay?”

“It’s nice, it’s warm.”

“Sure is.”

My eyes still not moving from hers, instead letting my free hand pull away from my side to trace the things that my eyes can not see. Almost moaning as they find the slick tightness of her navel, circling slowly around a belly button that I want to lose my tongue to.

“I thought you wanted to wash my back, you wanna wash my tummy too?”

“I thought I told you I’d wash all of your sides. This is a side.”

Losing the shared rhythm of our hearts as her chest rises more rapidly, as my ears pick up the distinct harshness that my touches are producing.

“That is a side B, but you don’t have any soap… don’t you need soap to wash?”

“Well pass the soap then.”

I breathe in deep as I lose all contact, just watching as she turns from me and picks up the shower gel, holding out my hand for her to deliver a healthy sized palm full. Waiting patiently for her to set the bottle back down, and letting my hands rub together to create a froth, a bubbled foam with which to cleanse her.

“You wanna start with my back?”

“Sure thing, turn around.”

And again I pause. As she turns away, as she stands there just waiting for me to touch her, I freeze within this moment. Caught in the final fear of the intimacy, the heart pounding knowledge of everything that touching her will mean to me. And I don’t plan to speak the words, I don’t even know where they come from, if I was thinking them inside, but they do come. Beating back any fear, any worry and any doubt, because I do want this. I do want her.

“I love you Faith.”

Echoing amongst the tiles that she braces herself against, making her turn her head back over her shoulder and throw me a look of absolute approval, her lips moving to confirm what I feel, that she feels it too.

“I love you.”

Everything that I needed to hear.

I wait as her head turns, as it dips beneath the water that flows steadily from the shower, making the streams cascade heavy down her back, giving me something to work with. My hands almost shaking as I bring them up to reach her, placing them in silent reverence against her skin and slowly beginning to move them. Up and down, across her shoulders, feeling the pronouncement of each one of her muscles, the way that they yield as I run my touch along them. Not hard, not a massage, but still firm, working my fingers across every inch of skin. Lifting her hair and letting it fall to the side as I find the path along the back of her neck, not able to resist the urge of washing behind her ears. It makes her giggle a little, a sound that’s still new to me. That still calls to me.

“You’re being very thorough B…”

“You have no idea.”

Letting my palms slide down in the river of suds to find the outline of her hips, the skin that sits so perfect at the base of her back. And I can’t resist leaning forwards, not a single part of me able to stop myself from feeling my skin make contact with hers, just so slight, just my hands finding a grip as I trace out her ass with the feel of my pussy. Making her moan, making me moan. The smallest of grinding rhythms taking precedence over any kind of wash.

“That feels nice.”

“Uh-huh.”

A funny kind of power in holding her this way, firm in my grasp and marking her with a scent that I know is running steady between my thighs. My head bending to place soft kisses against the skin of her back, each bone in her spine worshipped wholly by me. I push my tongue gently out to find the flow of the water as she leans herself further forwards against the tiled wall, arms raising to give her body a brace, something to hold onto. And she’ll need it. I need her. I have been longing for her.

I don’t even think as my fingers slide upwards, leaving her hips to make the trip up and around, grinding harder against her as I feel the weight of her breasts fall into my hands. Catching the harsh moans as I slide her nipples firm between my fingertips, rolling them round, pinching them oh so softly but still so surely.

“You like that baby?”

Another harsh sigh beating back the sound of the running water, as she pushes her body further forwards, just trying to make my touch come harder. And it does, of course it does. I need to feel her. I move myself the slightest of distances until I am pressed right up against her, my whole body screaming out it’s pleasure at being this close, my hands grasping tight now as I massage her breasts, whispering soft into her ear, asking that she tells me…

“Is this what you wanted Faith?”

Because I know that it is, I know it is what she has been waiting for since the evil spat her out of it’s grasp, just waiting for me to reconfirm all that we had discovered before we had discovered hell. Our own slice of heaven, the best heaven I have found.

I don’t wait for an answer, I already know the answer, instead eliciting another cry as my mouth latches onto the skin of her neck, not wanting to mark her, but wanting to feast upon her, needing her to feel the tightness of my lips and the tightness of my hands. So much pressure and all of it is for her.

“B…”

And she’s trying to make words.

“Buffy…”

In between the ragged breathing, and the sighs which spur me on, she is trying to make words. It’s kinda impressive, and it makes me respond. Letting go of her neck to answer her call…

“Yes baby?”

I purr it out to her as she purrs to me. Taking control and loving it.

“I need you B… I need you to touch me…”

And I thought that I was touching her. Yeah. I know what she means.

“Touch you Faith?”

But playing so dumb. My hands softening on her skin now, those light little pinches of nipples back in play as I wait to hear what she has for me.

“Fuck…”

And that’s kinda abrupt.

“You want to fuck?”

Her ass pushes out tight against my pussy with an answer to my question. Demanding, requesting, her voice sounding taut across her words.

“I want you, I so fucking want you… touch me.”

Now I am the one sighing, moaning, letting the air hear the feeling that her words force right through me. I don’t let it stop me though, don’t let it bring me to the somewhere that I want to take my time getting to, the need to take the command growing with every caress, every touch.

“Say please Faith?”

And now she growls. I swear it, I can hear her growling. She breaks a hand away from the tiles to make a grab at one of mine, thrusting it with such strength to that place between her legs, coating me in the feel of the desire that slips between her own thighs, proving to me with her actions just how much she has been needing this. It makes my heart jump, makes my heart jump even more than it was already jumping, and I don’t need power plays, not here, not now… all that I need now is her.

“Oh fuck yes…”

Her words reach up to my ears as I start a slow leisurely rhythm with the tips of my fingers. Brushing just softly against her, backwards and forwards, I know the kind of pressure that I liked to be touched with and so I give her the same, trusting that her clit is as sensitive as mine, that the way that I touch myself is just the way that she wants to be touched.

“Is that good baby?”

Her sighs enough to assure me, enough to make me stop my words and let my lips get back to her skin, biting the kind of bites that she had placed so sexily against mine. Pulling my hips away from her ass to make the journey down, sliding along her backbone again… my fingers working, my tongue working, my mind spinning out of control. There is just one place that my mouth wants to go to, one place that I have yet to claim of hers, and I know that I can’t stop myself now… that I need to taste her. Even amongst the still strong swirl of the water, I need to place my lips against her pussy… I have to taste her…

She moans in almost anguish as I break my hands away, a last firm tweak of her clit to offer a promise that I will return, that I want so much more…

“Faith… baby, turn round for me?”

Watching her legs as they shake on her turning, smiling out my love for her as her eyes fall deep into mine. And if I could pause on a moment, then this would be it. Not touching her, but my body so alive from touching her, seeing nothing in her eyes except absolute adoration for me. It’s a pretty fulfilling moment.

I step forwards until I am back inside of her space, her arms lifting to encircle me, her lips falling to kiss me. Hungry kisses, kisses which call our hips back into a rhythm of wanting, a kiss which reminds me exactly where it is that I want to kiss her now. I make myself pull away again, dropping to my knees under the relentless fall of the water, not caring as it slides over my face and across my lips, I just want to taste her. Smiling up into her eyes as she sees what it is that I am going to do for her… her back collapsing against the tiles on the wall, her legs spreading as I run my fingers through the streams on her thighs…

“I love you Faith.”

The words coming again as I prepare myself to encounter this new feeling, this new touch. Something I have never done with anyone, something that I have only ever wanted to do with her.

Her answering words are lost to me as my face draws the final inch forwards to let my tongue reach out and finally touch her, so softly… so barely there, the hair which has started to grow back since she was sick, tickling now against my own lips. And I want more. Hearing my own growl as I push my tongue harder, my hands coming up to grip at her hips and to pull her tight against me. I want to consume her…

“Oh fuck B…”

My senses rising as her hands wrap harsh in my hair, urging me onwards, encouragement falling from her lips as I suck her clit solidly between mine. And I love it. I love this feeling, I love this taste… so musky, so heady, so similar to me, and yet so different… and I’m drowning in it. Bucking hips hard to capture as her body rides hard against my face. So I let go, let a hand drop to meet my tongue, to search out the place that I want to fill her, her legs shaking again as I enter my fingers deep inside of her centre. Hard solid thrusts to match the pressure of my tongue. So fast, feeling all of her walls tighten as she tenses around me… fucking her hard, sucking her harder… wanting to feel the force of her climax, losing myself in the force of her climax…

“That’s it baby…”

My mouth breaking away to look at her face. So many moans, so much pleasure, so much more… in and out, until I forget the out, just burying my hand deep inside of her and feeling the throb. My fingers pressed tight against the front of her pussy, my thumb keeping a rhythm against the rigid feel of her clit. Watching her head throw back, hearing her screams peel out. And I truly am lost to it. Loving it. Riding it out right along with her, until her body comes to rest, until she collapses against the wall and slides down to meet me. Her lips not stopping to speak, just taking mine in a kiss that shows every bit of appreciation that she has for all that I just did for her. For loving her.

And I do love her. Completely.

*****

I’m not quite sure how and when we made it back to the bedroom, I just know that I am laying in the middle of the bed and that she is laying across me, her mouth curving up into the sweetest of smiles as she places a final kiss against my pussy.

I remember her words saying that it was only fair to return a favour, and I remember my words agreeing that it was everything that I wanted. After that it’s all just a blur. A jumbled sensation of touches and sounds, words ringing out in delight and in love. I let my hand go to her face now, urging that she comes up to meet me, gives me a kiss to solidify the moment.

“You want MORE kisses B?”

As if I could ever have enough.

“I like the kisses.”

“I like you.”

Smiling even more as she moves around to be next me. As she wipes the hair which is drenched in either water still, or sweat, not so sure, away from my face, delivers the kisses all over me, not just to my lips, but to my nose, my eyes, to all of me.

“Ya know B, this has to rank up there with the best day ever. I sure haven’t had any better.”

“Yeah, it has been a great one, but you do know that everyone will be home soon? We can’t just stay up here all day.”

“Can’t we pretend I’m still sick? That I didn’t quite get all of my strength back yet?”

“And what’s my excuse?”

She looks all thoughtful for a moment, as if truly trying to work out a way to make staying in bed a viable option.

“We can say that you’re lazy, it works for me.”

And I poke her, because I am so not lazy!

“No way! Plus we do have to get up. Angel and the gang are heading back to LA tomorrow night, and we’ve got that little bon voyage get together thing to organise. It’ll be good to let them know that their golden girl is all back to normal again.”

“I wish that they didn’t have to go B. I get that they have to get back, but I’ll miss them, I don’t feel like I’ve spent anytime with them.”

I catch the wistful sigh, the truth in her words.

“You know that we can visit right, that they’ll come back and see us.”

“Just like they always visit here?”

And I know what she means. There hasn’t been an upkeep in visitation, but then there was a time when there were good reasons for that. Reasons which are so long past now, which don’t mean anything anymore.

“It’s different now Faith. When Angel first left, it all still hurt. There were issues… reasons for distance. But that’s changed now. I don’t see any reason that we can’t be one big extended family… I know that I want to keep in touch, and I’m sure that they won’t just let you disappear.”

“I’m still gonna miss them.”

She pouts a little as she says that, and I have to kiss the pout away. “It’ll all be okay, trust me. Anytime that you wanna hightail it to LA, you just tell me. Heck, maybe you can take Dawnie with you… give us all a break.”

And she laughs, and she nods. “Yeah, I can see it now… her and Cordy let loose in the malls. Should be funtimes.”

“Expensive times. We can forget the therapy fund!”

“She won’t need it, shopping IS therapy for girls like them. I swear, whenever Cordy’s pissed, she just spends the day shopping and she’s right back on form. Just start a shoe fund, it’ll work much better.”

I agree. I remember the pleasure in shopping and in shoes. I also sigh. I remember how much it all costs.

“I think I need to find a job again first. I’m so fired from the Doublemeat, which you know? Not at all bothered about, but me and finding the jobs is not such a fun time… maybe we’ll win the lotto…”

“You should talk to Angel… seriously B, they get by with the cash they make from the demon hunting, don’t see why you can’t do the same. Why we can’t do the same.”

And has she been reading my mind… or maybe talking to Anya.

“Have you been talking to Anya?”

I have to ask.

“No way girlfriend… she’s great and all, but I think she still thinks that I have a thing for Xander. It’s kinda creepy. I mean, I never had a thing for Xander. I had a thing with Xander, but that was all. I certainly don’t want Xander.”

And that was a whole lot of Xander all in one sentence.

“She can be a little possessive, but she’s great once you get past that. Lacks a little tact, but she’s really pretty harmless… her heart is good.”

I let it rest there, I really don’t need to delve into the past with Xander and Faith. Nope. Not even gonna think it.

“I don’t know about the pay for slay though Faith, it just seems so… wrong.”

“No way, we risk our life daily, why shouldn’t we get rewarded? You don’t see firemen doing it for free… policemen, hell, anyone else. Don’t see that we should, especially when we need the money.”

“But…”

“No, I’m gonna talk to Angel, see if he can’t set something up.”

And I let her carry on. It isn’t the worlds most terrible idea, and we do need the cash. It just seems a little wrong still… like saving lives should be our reward. But then saving lives doesn’t pay the rent. Or buy the shoes. I smile my way through all of her ideas until I hear the door slam somewhere down below, until the raucous chattering of my sister and my friends reminds me again that we can’t stay in bed all day. That we really will have to get up.

“I think it’s time to rise and shine girlfriend.”

“Hey, you called me girlfriend?”

Uh-huh.

“Well you always call ‘me’ girlfriend.”

“Yeah… but that’s what I do. I ain’t never heard you say it though B. Sounds kinda nice. I’ve never been someone’s ‘girlfriend’ before.”

“And I’ve never had a girlfriend before...” I laugh just a tiny bit at the little eyebrow raises and suggestive smirks. “…I do like it though, the girlfriend thing. I can see why Wills and Tara are always smiling…”

I roll myself away from her reply to pull myself from the bed, throwing myself into the strenuous activity of getting dressed again. I really don’t want to. Naked with Faith is SO much more fulfilling, but I do have to go down.

Stairs. Yep. Not letting that thought run away with itself.

“Are you getting up Faith?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Nope! I’m going to tell everyone that you’re back to full health and that you’ll be down in just a minute… don’t keep me waiting…”

“I’m loving all this forcefulness, I never knew you had it in you B.”

Her lustful look drawing me back to the bed, a final little look at the beauty that she is.

“Well I never had you in me before Faith, it kinda enthuses a girl.”

My words making her laugh, my mouth making her kiss me.

“You want me in you now?”

“Uh-huh… but no. I’m gonna go down, hang with the others. If you hurry I’ll make you something to eat. Something easy and non burnable, maybe toast. Or bread. Or I could ask Tara to mix up some pancakes… have you had Tara’s pancakes?”

And she’s already moving, and I’m already leaving. Meeting Willow in the passage as I smile my way from the door.

“Hey Buff, good day?”

“The BEST day!”

“Oooo, do I sense that someone finally got to cork popping?”

“You’re getting just as bad as Faith, you do realise that?”

And she gives me a cheeky little smile, a saucy little wink.

“I’ll guess you’ll be wanting ME soon then, I should warn Tara, ‘Buffy’s turned into a hussy’, I never would’ve thought it…”

“In your dreams Wills.”

“Occasionally, just to spice things up. Hope you don’t mind.”

Mind? I just stand here in shock as she makes her way past me to the bathroom. Cos Wills? And me? And dreams? And spice? And what!?

I think it’s a full minute until I get my brain under control again. A flush finding my face even though there is no one here to see it. Turning and going to trudge my way towards the stairs.

“Hey Buff?”

And turning again as my best friend who just violated my virtue calls me back towards her.

“Yeah?”

“Any idea why the shower is on? Why the shower curtain’s looking a little worse for wear?”

“Not a clue Wills, but if you figure it out, be sure to let me know.”

Winking as I make my way from her again. Smiling at the virtues that I violated myself in the bathroom. Yes. This was the best day ever. And it makes me wonder what the night time will bring. I have my fingers crossed for good, it feels like everything good. In fact I’m gonna insist upon the good, because not only do I have to shop for more linen tomorrow, it also seems that I’m gonna have to shop for a new shower curtain too. Vaguely remembering the tightness I had gripped with once Faith had turned her tongue to me. But shower curtain shopping? Urgh! The price I pay for happiness!

Chapter 34

POV Faith

Sometimes you find yourself in a place, and you have no fucking clue as to what the heck you have done to ever land yourself in such a place. Which gods or demons you have messed with to make your fate so truly bad. So completely different to everything that it should be. Yeah. I know that feeling, I’m absolutely living that feeling. Just trying to keep my eyes closed, my body still… anything to forget the horror of where I have now found myself.

“What about these ones? Do you think these ones are nice?”

“They’re beautiful, can we go now?”

And still I keep my eyes closed, don’t care that I’m supposed to be looking, because really… I don’t care, I don’t wanna know, don’t wanna look.

“Faith?”

“Hmmm?”

“How can you say that they’re beautiful, if you won’t even look?”

I roll myself over on the large comfy bed I have placed myself upon, and make the strenuous effort of pulling my eyelids open. Wow. White sheets with flowers.

“I’m looking, they’re great, can we go now?”

The look that she’s sending me in return is all sorts of pissed, but I just can’t help it. We’re linen shopping for fucks sake! Me. ME! I am linen shopping. Kinda makes me wonder if I shouldn’t reconsider my little domestic slice of life in good old Sunny D.

“Can you at least try and feign some interest? Please, for me?”

“But B…”

“No, I don’t get pleasure from this anymore than you do, but we need new sheets.”

“We have sheets!”

Or they have sheets. Not sure if I can call it ‘we’ yet. It isn’t like I’ve moved in, not officially.

“We have less sheets, and I know that it’s not your fault, I get that the puking and the vomit wasn’t intended or planned, but the puking did happen and the sheets were ruined. And the towels… we haven’t even started on the towels yet.”

And do days get any worse?

I swing my legs from the comfy show bed and try and feign a little of the interest that she seems to want so bad. Eyeing up the flowers as if all of the answers to my life are held somewhere within them.

“Okay B, they’re really nice. They’re uh… pretty?”

“You think that they’re pretty?”

I don’t know.

“Do you think they’re pretty?”

She casts her eyes over the sheets again, her brow furrowing, her fingers tracing pretty little patterns across the pretty little flowers. It’s just all so fucking pretty.

“I‘m not sure… I think the flowers match the wall paper. But then maybe we need to change the wall paper. Do you think we should redecorate Faith?”

I think that hell resides somewhere in the homeware section. Forget leeches and nightmares… this shit is just too much. I flop myself back down, let out a moan which shows my appreciation of all things domesticated.

“B… Buffy, please, you’re killing me here. Just pick out some sheets and lets blow this joint. It doesn’t matter what they look like, as long as they cover the mattress then everything’s cool, right? Just pick something already.”

The sheets make a resounding thump as they land atop my head. Letting me know how impressed she is with my helpful contribution, her footsteps thumping even louder as she stomps herself away from my place on the bed. And I know that I have to make good, have to at least pretend that I care something about the décor.

“B… wait?”

Pulling myself up and grabbing the wrapped up linen, putting some enthusiasm into the little jog that I do to catch up with her. Of course she doesn’t stop though, gotta keep that prim and proper ass firmly out in front of me.

“Buffy, come on, I was only messing. I’m totally ready to shop for sheets, I can’t wait to shop for sheets, I’m sheet gal!”

Now she does stop, slowly turning round, eyeing me up with an evil glint, her head cocking to the side. “You ‘can’t wait’ to shop for sheets?”

“That’s what I said, I’m sheet gal.”

“I wouldn’t say ‘sheet gal’ Faith, more like you’re full of sheet.”

And fuck me, that was lame.

“Full of sheet? You been practicing that one?”

“It just came to me, it seemed kinda appropriate.”

“Seemed kinda lame to me, definitely not up there with pun of the century. Your skills are slipping… you need to watch that.”

She folds her arms across her chest, offers me a disaffected pose. Another cock of the head. “My ‘skills’ are fine, what isn’t fine is my patience. Are you gonna help me here or what?”

I wanna say what.

“Uh, I’m…” I catch the foot tapping. Fingers drumming out a rhythm on the tightly folded arms. “…I’m gonna help. Can’t wait to help. ”

My wink is offered to show how much I mean it. I hate this, I really do, shopping for the household items, but it is her household, and I wanna try and make the effort. Apparently love makes you do the wacky, and I guess it’s gonna make me do the shopping for linen.

“So, do you like the flowers?”

“Flowers?”

“On the sheets Faith! The sheets that you’re holding…”

“Right.” I look down at the nicely packaged bed covers, pretend that I’m considering it seriously, that it really does make a difference to my life. “Yeah, they’re great, awesome. Really… pretty.”

“You make ‘pretty’ sound like such a bad word.”

“Not bad, just… well, don’t they have something a little less… uh…”

“Pretty?”

“Flowery?”

I feel like we’re going round in circles. Her foot tapping again, me squirming again.

“What would you prefer Faith, oh wait, let me guess…” She grabs the sheets from me, makes a pointed turn and heads back down the aisle, not stopping until she gets to the darker colours. “…how about something black, maybe a little red, possibly silky..?”

“I hear silk is good.”

And I can be helpful.

Except that helpful shouldn’t have such a heavy sigh falling from her lips. Shouldn’t have her looking at me as if she might explode at any minute. She lets the flowery affair slip from her grasp, and leans herself back against the shelf, shutting her eyes tight. Clenching her arms around her sides again.

I just don’t get chicks and their linen. Not one bit.

“B… are you okay?”

No answer.

I lean down and pick up the discarded package, try again and see the flowers as anything other than ‘pretty’. Plastering a smile to my face, setting a light tone to my voice. “Serious B, if you want the flowers then that’s cool with me. Don’t go getting upset over it, I like the flowers. Really I do.”

Still nothing.

“Buffy?”

She sniffles a little as she brings her eyes back to mine, red rimmed and sad looking. Dropping my gaze and finding refuge on the floor. I have to strain my ears hard when she finally speaks to me, her voice nothing more than a whisper.

“Sorry Faith, I’m overreacting… I just… I never had to do this alone. I never, before… mom always took care of it. She liked the flowers.”

Oh.

Oh crap.

And I want nothing more than to take back the last half hour of existence, to stop her pain before it ever began. To not make her be doing this all alone. I knew that I was being an ass, but I didn’t realise why, didn’t realise exactly what this shopping trip meant for her.

I push the sheets back onto the shelf behind her, mix them up with the silks, give them a new home. It doesn’t matter, whatever, all that matters is finding her now in my arms, letting her body lose some of that rigidness, in the strength of my embrace.

“Buffy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise, you should have said.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does matter. Of course it matters.” I hold onto her a little tighter, let my shoulders bear the weight of a few more of her sighs.

“Come on, we’ll do this together, me and you against the linen, it’ll be fun.”

Her sighs turn into tiny snorts of laughter. Her head leaning back, the green of her eyes catching mine with some sort of heart stopping intensity, another of those moments that we always get lost in. The thing between us. “You had me at the ‘together’ part Faith… kinda lost me again with the ‘fun’.”

“You don’t think we can make this fun?”

Her shoulders shrug and she looks around at the aisles and aisles of endless cloth. So much to choose from, all of it taunting us. “I just wish that mom was here.”

“I wish that she was here too.”

And I do. Mrs Summers was good. As bad as I got, she was always good.

I notice as the change comes over her, as she straightens her shoulders and takes a step back from me. Runs a hand up through her growing hair, past her shoulders again now, tucking it back behind her ear. And I join her, let my own hand slide through the texture that’s so much softer than any silk of any sheet.

“Come on B, we can do this. Me and you girl, we’ve saved worlds, we can sure as hell handle a little linen. ”

“And the towels?”

“Yeah. And the towels.”

“And the shower curtain?”

“Now you’re pushing it.”

She takes a final swipe at her lightly moistened eyes, drops her hand down to mine, lacing her fingers between each of my own. “I love you Faith, do you know that?”

“You damn well better do, I wouldn’t shop for linen with anyone else!”

And I wouldn’t, but then I don’t love anyone else. Not like this, not like I love her.

I steel myself as we turn and face the endless aisles again, all those flowers, all that chintzy goodness. Only this time I don’t have to pretend that I care, because I do care. I get it. Her mom used to do all of this, because her mom loved her, her mom wanted to look after her, wanted to provide for her, wanted to make her happy. Her mom isn’t here anymore, but I am here, and all of those things are the things that I want to do for her now. That I need to do. It makes ya look at linen in a whole different light, it makes you really care.

“So where do we start? You wanna check out more of the flowers?”

“I don’t know, I never did this… mom always got flowers, but maybe… do you think it’s bad if we don’t get flowers?”

“We can get whatever you want, just point me in the right direction.”

I play the happy housewife as we moved down each of the racks, picking up fabrics, exclaiming on sheets. And you know? It really isn’t THAT bad. It isn’t grade A entertainment, but it isn’t hellish. It’s just me and her spending time, finding smiles, cracking jokes. Eventually grabbing a trolley because we’ve filled our arms to the brim with all of the things that we need.

“I think that’s it Faith, we have more than enough towels, the sheets are great…”

“Whoa, we need a shower curtain, Red’s gonna kick our asses if we forget the shower curtain.”

“Oh, right.”

And look at me with the remembering. Crazy.

“You have a preference on colour?”

“No way B, as long as it’s strong, something with a little durability…” I can’t help the way that my eyes start to drift enticingly over her curves with my words, just a reaction to thinking of the shower, a reaction to the way that she had taken me yesterday.

“Durable..?” Her eyes catching mine, her cheeks tinting pink.

“Oh yeah, ya never know when the urge to wash my back is gonna creep up on you again, it’s best to be prepared. Take precautions.”

I’m rounding the trolley as she stands there in a quiver. Or maybe not a quiver, but she is just standing there looking at me, looking into me, her mouth sliding open, that perfect little pink tongue just poking out to wet at the edges. And I want it, want to taste it. To touch it.

“Faith..?”

No questions B. Just answers.

I let my mouth go to hers so softly, nothing like the way I used to kiss, not rough and ready, more about the slow and steady. Stoking the flames little by little, nibbles which trip around the smiling curve of her lips. My hand lifting to twist in the silky texture of her hair again, pulling her closer to me, my other hand nestling tight against her ass, everything closer.

“Excuse me? Ma’am?”

Fuck off.

Sucking her bottom lip between mine to encourage her to open up, to ignore interruptions and slide her tongue deep inside of my mouth. I just love it when she kisses me like that, losing innocence. When she’s the one that takes command, that sets a pace to follow.

“Ladies?”

And now not liking the pace as she breaks away from me, pulls her head back and takes a deep breath in. Catching her slightly swollen lip between her teeth and showing me a teasing bite. So whipped, I am so fucking whipped. I can only sigh out my ache as she turns from me towards the store guy, peers enquiringly at his name tag and offers him all sorts of sexy in the set of her voice.

“Ah, Richard, maybe ‘you’ can ‘help’ me?”

In his dreams! He’s all of about seventeen, his cheeks flaming red and his own voice hitting all of the high notes as he answers my lady’s call .

“Help you… uh, right… sure. Um… how can I help?”

“Shower curtains, we need something durable, something strong, something that can take a little tug and a pull every now and again… do you have any of those?”

Her eyebrows are jumping just as much as mine do. Damn it! Her whole pose is just as dangerous as anything I can do. It’s getting me hot, making me all kinds of horny.

“Aisle seventeen… you need aisle seventeen.”

I guess he’s horny too. He turns from her with an abrupt speed, probably taking to the bathroom to work out all of the pressure that a certain devilish blonde has just thrust upon him.

“That was mean B, you coulda broken the kid, fuck, I think you nearly broke me…”

“Best I get you home and fix you then.”

And still the pose and the eyes and the lips and the tone…

“I’m ready, let’s go.”

“Shower curtain?”

I turn and grab the trolley, work my ass with slayer speed down to aisle seventeen, grab the nearest that they have, turn again and head for the check out. I never knew that linen shopping was an aphrodisiac… damn, I never knew that one girl could be such an aphrodisiac! I knew she got me hot, definitely the hottest… but the way that she touches me, the way that she swings so effortlessly from the prim and the proper, to the hot and the steaming, it has me fast baking, all senses waking, constantly ready to get down with the dirty. I told her I would be horny all of the time for her, and I swear that she’s basking in the revelation. Loving her power.

I can feel myself changing everyday that I’m here, can feel myself losing some of the roughed up edges. Learning to open up, to squash the fucked up fears that have kept me running the whole of my life. And now I can see her changing too. Letting go of all of the things which have kept her caged up in her own box, the things which she held onto so tightly the first time that I was here. I love it. Love seeing her let go, just being the Buffy and not worrying about what the world thinks. Finding a middle where we can finally meet.

And if I didn’t know it already, if I wasn’t so sure of it… I’d say that we were made for each other.

“You have to fold the corners under, Faith.”

“I’m not a damn house maid!”

“You must have made a bed before?”

I consider my answer. Have I ever made a bed before? Images tugging at the edges of consciousness, facing her, facing me, and I’m not sure. Something about it seems so familiar, not sure if it’s a memory, if it’s simple déjà vu… but it does feel right. I should be here. But have I made a bed before?

“Don’t think so B, not proper, maybe thrown a cover over a mattress, but I ain’t never had to worry about folding corners.”

“No way?”

I shake my head, kinda slow, still trying to remember if there was ever a time that I worried about how my bed looked. I know that it’s a no.

“Well pay attention then, who knows when you’ll have to do it all by yourself, getting the corners right is all important.”

“Is this your Mary Poppins thing again?”

And she throws me a smart ass little grin, both of us still buzzing from the shopping trip of earlier. It was funny when we got home, both of the witches looking at us for the fall out, for injuries that either of us may have sustained from the homely shopping excursion. I think that the big smiles surprised them, and why not? They surprised the fuck outta me. But then I’m learning, slowly, that there’s pleasure to be found in a whole lot of places that you just never expected it. Even in linen shopping.

“Are you gonna shower before the others get here?”

“Not unless that’s an offer B, I feel clean enough to tackle some goodbyes, I figure I’ll leave the shower till after, sneak one in before bed.”

I watch as she wriggles the pillows inside of their new covers. Not flowery. Not a flower in sight. She settled on the Boston check instead, soon as she saw it she squealed like all proper girls should, exclaiming that it would be like ‘sleeping with me wrapped around her.’ Made me think she’s kinda odd, also made me think she’s kinda adorable. I didn’t point out that I’d be sleeping wrapped around her anyway, that she didn’t need a dumb checked print to achieve that. It was too fun watching her squeal.

“What about you girlfriend, you gonna get all scrubbed and dubbed before the gang gets here?”

“I was thinking about it…” She pauses in her bedly ministrations, eyes me up with those hot and horny homing missiles. “…now I’m thinking I’ll wait till after. Maybe share with you, just in the interest of water conservation.”

“Gotta save the water B, it’s a desert out there.”

She fluffs the last of the pillows and flops herself down onto the bed. Patting the space beside her, calling me to join her.

“You think that’s safe?”

“Huh?”

“Well they’re gonna be here any minute B, you really want me to come share the bed space with you?”

“I’m sure we can control ourselves for five minutes Faith… at least I know ‘I’ can. If you don’t think you can manage it though…”

And there’s a challenge. I love a challenge.

“Oh, I can handle it fine, not so sure about you though. I’ve had my eye on you all day, you’re right there with the horny. I can feel it.”

“Me!? You were the one with the tongues in aisle thirteen!”

I strike an innocent pose, it’s one that I still need to work on. “Maybe I started it, but you were more than keen to finish it, putting on that show for poor little ‘Richard’. Bet the kids still holding on tight, working out his issues.”

“That’s kinda gross.”

“Just saying B, you were right there with the horny, you’re still right there with the horny.”

I let myself take slowly to the bed, just at the end, down by her feet. Finding a firm grip and biting a tease on the end of her toes.

“Stop it!”

“What? You tongued up my toes good a few weeks back, this is an equal partnership and I wanna return all favours, I don’t wanna get a rep as neglectful.”

She’s trying to pull her foot away, but I am kinda strong, got a real firm grip.

“If you remember that, then you remember where it led…”

Hell yeah.

“…getting me flustered and then making me go down to face the others… now that would be neglectful, definitely not good girlfriend material!”

Her voice hit’s a high note as I slide my tongue between the groove of her toes. It’s never been my bag to seek pleasure like this, but fuck it, she’s squirming, and that has to work in my favour.

“I think you like it B.”

I let my other hand, the one that’s not holding her firm, take a slow slide up her leg to dance softly beneath the hem of her skirt, little teasing patterns against the soft feel of thigh. And she’s not the only one squirming. Starting to wonder exactly how long we have until the others get here.

“It’s not a question of liking it Faith.”

Watching her slide down the bed to make my hand travel higher. A soft graze against panties, a hitched breath in my throat. “How long do we have?”

And I’m already moving, keeping my panty held hand firmly in place and shifting my body to find a position above her, my own thigh pushing it’s denim clad self, hard against the back of my hand.

“Faith…”

Not caring how long, just claiming the words with the presence of my mouth upon hers, the slip and slide as her tongue trips out to meet my own, hot and warm and deliciously horny. Forgetting slow and steady to try and beat the buzzer…

The knock on the door does nothing to calm the carnal urges. For me or for her. She just clings me closer, pushes her hips hard up on my hand and my thigh, looking for some friction, searching for release…

“Guys, you in there?”

My fingers finding the edges of panties and pushing them aside, moaning into her mouth as I feel the pool of wetness that she has for me…

“Guys, I KNOW that you’re in there… come on, Angel and the others are here, they’re waiting for you.”

I force myself to break the kiss, my hand still moving in all the right ways, bringing her into my rhythm, urging her to feel what I’m offering. My mouth I turn swiftly towards the door, shout out something controlled and steady, just buying an extra minute. The extra minute that I need.

“Just a minute Red, I’m just throwing some clothes on… I think B popped to the store, she’s not in here.”

“Oh… she’s not? She popped to the store?”

And I hear the confusion in her voice but I don’t care a shit. The sound of B’s ragged breathing fighting hard to stay quiet is all that I need to listen to, all that I want to hear.

“Well she’s popped somewhere.”

“Okay… well be quick, Cordy is straining at the bit to see you…”

“I’ll be quick as I can Red, quick as I can…”

And I will. Just leave me alone.

I catch the sound of her footsteps leaving and turn my attention back to Buffy, to her face, to her eyes clenching tight, to her teeth biting hard at that lip again, no trace of teasing. And I have to see her, have to feel that connection…

“Buffy… baby, look at me.”

“Mmmm.”

Her hands sliding up and under my top, digging tight into my back, pulling me closer… and then her eyes, opening up to me, her teeth leaving her lips to offer me a smile. “That feels good.”

“You want it to feel better?”

My fingers are stroking long and hard over her clit, moving in the ways which I already know she likes, each of my senses slipping into rhythm with hers, guiding me onwards…

“I want you Faith.”

Her eyes staying tight on mine as she asks it, her legs spreading further to offer me the room. And I take the invitation, follow the slick feel of her wetness right down to the entrance of her pussy, edging my way inside, feeling her walls tighten around me. So perfect, so hot.

I whisper soft words of encouragement as I quicken the pace, let our gaze tear apart to kiss the moans from her lips, to keep up a pretence of quiet to a house full of friends. Holding in my own moans as I feel the strength of her climax, as she gives herself up to me again in the sweetest of ways. Letting me fuck her, letting me love her, everything that I have ever wanted.

And now just holding her tight as her breathing recovers, kissing her lips a thousand times to assure her of exactly how much she means to me.

“I love you B.”

Over and over.

“I love you too.”

The perfect reply.

It’s like torture tearing myself away from the bed and away from her, but it’s bearable torture, because I know that it’s just a few hours until I can hold her again. She’s mine forever, I know that. I feel that.

“Come on, we should get down.”

“Don’t wanna move.”

“Not a case of wanting B, we have to. Everybody is waiting on us.”

I watch her sigh, watch her smile, watch her brow furrow into that cute little frown.

“Oh god, you told Wills I was at the store! What am I gonna say?”

“Don’t sweat it, we’ll think of something…” I look to the window, have half of a plan. “…unless you wanna shimmy down and make an entrance? Could be amusing.”

“You are joking?”

I don’t know. It would be amusing.

“Saves the explanations B, and your window is easy to climb to, I say you go for it.”

She pulls herself up from the bed and rearranges her skirt, grabs a hair tie and pulls in a ponytail. “I’m not sneaking out from my own house Faith, just to knock on the door and come back in again. I’ll just have to think of something else.”

I let my eyes drift over her form, let my mind wander to where it just was. “We could stay up here, forget all thinking…”

“And how exactly do you know how easy it is to climb to my room?”

Huh?

Oh.

Right.

“I uh, I said that? I meant it ‘looks’ easy to climb to… I wouldn’t have a clue B, not a one.”

I smile sweet, smile innocent, hope it flows. There’s no way I wanna get into the times that I used to climb and look, just to watch, just to be close to her. Even when things were at there worst, I always wanted to be close. There’s nothing that she needs to know there.

“It IS easy to climb to Faith, it’s not happening tonight though, now come on… lets go pretend that your hand wasn’t just in the cookie jar and play at making nice. This is bon voyage, remember? You’re sad.”

I am sad, I don’t want them to go, but at the same time it’s damn hard to be sad when your hand still smells of the cookies. Fresh baked cookies.

We make our way from the bedroom and down the stairs to below, still wrapped up in the feeling of just being together, little touches, little caresses, not hidden, not trying to hide.

“Oh Faith, you made it! I was beginning to think that we were gonna be sending ourselves off.”

“Sorry Cor, I couldn’t choose an outfit, you know how it is.”

Her eyes drift over my attire, the same pants and shirt I’ve been wearing all day, my hair just hanging around my face in it’s wild sense of abandon, not even pretending that I’ve tried to tame it.

“I see you went all out.”

“You know it girlfriend.” My wink assuring her that I sure as hell went all out, her eyebrows raising in the same way that they always do when confronted with pure Faith. Her reply though is eaten up by Willow’s sudden outburst at B, realising that she has just walked down the stairs, not through the door… and I knew she should’ve shimmied from the window. It really would have been that easy.

“Buffy?! Faith said you were at the store! Where were you? Why didn’t you answer me?”

“Uh… I, um… I didn’t hear you?”

“And you Faith… why would you say that she was at the store?”

Think fast.

“She was… in the closet, I didn’t know she was in there, it’s a big ol’ closet Red.”

“It sure is sweetie, and I bet you had great fun in giving her a hand at getting off.”

“Tara!”

“Oops, my bad. I meant getting out.”

She slips us a sly wink, a look which says she knows exactly what was going on upstairs.

“Do you really think that we spend all of our time having sex?”

“Were you having sex?”

I flip my gaze to Anya, her eyes burrowing into me, all about the serious. It kinda freaks me, I mean, I can take banter, I like a laugh, but this girl is all sincere, absolutely demanding to know all of our bedroom habits.

“What’s it to you?”

“I just think that’s it’s extremely rude of you to be having the sex, whilst I’m stuck down here and not having the sex!”

And what do you say to that? I shrug my shoulders, turn my eyes to Xander. “I think this is your place to jump in…”

“Anya, let’s leave the sexual inquisitions alone now shall we? What Buffy and Faith get up to in their bedroom, is their business.”

“But they look so smug, it’s really not fair.”

“We do not look smug!”

I check out B’s smug look, and yeah, she kinda does. But then she popped one out just a few minutes ago, she’s bound to look a little pleased with herself. I dunno if I look smug, I do feel a little smug.

“Sorry Buffster, but ya do. You’re all about the glowing smugness…”

I turn and leave her to it, they’re her gang, and I wanna go shoot some shit with my gang. Squeeze in a few last moments of the chit chat before they have to hightail it back to the big city, still feeling a little sad that they have to hightail it anywhere.

“Angel, what’s up?”

He’s deep in conversation with Wes and Giles, probably talking over some ancient clan of sewer demon that they have to fight on their return. And yeah, I am a little jealous.

“Faith, glad to see you made it.”

“Don’t you start, I just about survived the inquest with Anya. So what’s going on, you got some big stuff brewing in the city?”

“Nothing past the usual, nothing that we can’t handle.”

“So why the group pow wow?”

They exchange a few grown up glances, settle a couple of satisfied smirks upon their faces. “Giles, would you like to handle this one?”

“On the contrary Angel, I’d say that it’s your place to explain everything to Faith.”

And the plot thickens.

He nods his head slowly, places a hand on my arm and walks me through to the back door, leading me out to the garden, taking a moment to savour the cool night air.

“Serious man, your scaring me. What’s going on?”

“Relax Faith, it’s nothing serious, quite the opposite. I’ve been speaking to Giles about what you said.”

“I say a lot of things, most of them dumb.”

His look doesn’t say whether he agrees with me. His smile suggests that he maybe does.

“I was considering your possibility of setting up an offshoot of Angel Investigations here in Sunnydale, what the validity would be, whether it would work.”

“And Giles said?”

Now he smiles even wider, nudges me a little with his shoulder. “He thinks that it’s a great idea. The business would certainly boom, he’s actually more worried that you wouldn’t be able to handle the volume of the helpless in Sunnydale. He maybe has a point.”

“We’re talking two slayers Angel, add in two witches… and Xander I guess. I think we can give it a go, get the franchise up and running. It’s gotta be better for B than the flipping of burgers, right?”

“I’m more concerned with the what’s best for you.”

I know that my eyebrows are probably dipping, showing a little confusion at his words, cos yeah… I know we’re tight, but him and B, well, gotta figure that she would be his number one worry.

“Me?”

“Of course you. Buffy I care about too, but she has all of her friends around her, who do you have?”

Me have? I though that that was obvious. “I have B, gonna miss you guys, that’s a given, but it’s all good here Angel, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“And yet I still do.” His eyes are staring off into the distance, out into the night. Everything about him looking sombre, maybe even showing his age.

“Hey dude, you’re totally gonna miss me! That’s it, isn’t it, all of this worry… you’re just full of the woe of leaving me behind!”

I know it. I’ve nailed it. And I thought that I was supposed to be the sad one.

He looks back at me, the cold air filling with his brooding sigh. “Of course we’re going to miss you. I want you to be happy Faith, I can think of no one that deserves happiness more than you do, and if happy for you means being here, than that’s great, but I’ll still miss having you around.”

“Aw, I’m touched.” And I am. Really. I may hide it beneath the cocky tone, but I know that he sees right through my bullshit. He always does.

“So you really want to make a go of it here, the business, Buffy, a family?”

“Can’t think of anything better, never knew it was all that I wanted, but now I’m here? It feels a lot like home.”

He sighs again, heaves his shoulders, follows it up with a huge fucking smile. Or as huge as he ever smiles. “I guess I should say welcome home then. And good luck.”

“Thank you, you know your approval means a lot to me. I just wanna give it a go, get something good going on. Do ya know I even went linen shopping today? Me, fucking linen shopping!”

And now the broodster laughs, straight up from the bottom of his belly, his eyes flying wide with disbelief. “You! You went linen shopping? I wish I had been there to see it!”

“I knew you’d enjoy that. A real fucking Marcia Brady me, matching towels with flannels and all sorts of shit. It’s like I said Angel, this place feels like home.”

He throws an arm around my shoulder, clenches me a little tight, holds me just a little close. “Well make the most of it, homes don’t come along that often, not the kind of homes that we don’t want to run from, need to run away from. Make it count.”

“That’s my plan.”

It feels like a good one.

“Remember though Faith, if anything ever goes wrong, if you ever need me, need anything, then my door is always open to you. You have a home in LA too, don’t ever forget that.”

And can big tough slayers get misty eyed? Even out of doors where the dust doesn’t fly? Sure they can. I wipe a little just to prove it, clear my throat so as not to advertise the fact. “Thanks man, yours was the first home I ever had. A girl don’t forget that, not ever.”

“And I won’t ever forget you. I always saw beneath that façade to the something special, it makes me proud to see you now, having all of this…” He nods his head back in the direction of the house, lets go of me to gesture with his hand. “…they’re lucky to have you Faith. Buffy is lucky to have you.”

I catch the hint of sadness beneath the words, maybe remembering a time when all of this was nearly his. It does make me stand a little taller, feel a little prouder. His words do mean a lot to me, he means a lot to me.

“And Cordy is lucky to have you.”

He just smiles, still not admitting what I know so surely is growing between them. I get that, I know the difficulties they have, but I’m like an advocate of difficult relationships now. I’m the number one poster child for making it all work out.

“Do you want to go back inside Faith, make an announcement about your new business venture?”

“How about we keep it a little hush for now, let me hash it over some more with B first… she’s still not sure, worried that taking cash for saving lives is kinda crass.”

“I understand the sentiment.”

“No way Angel, we can’t all get by on a black coat and a couple of litres of pigs blood, families cost money, and now I kinda have a family to support.”

He smiles again, raises his eyebrows to me.

“You really did go all Marcia Brady.”

“Yeah, found myself a nice little niche with Mary Poppins.”

I shoot him a light thump to the shoulder, gesture towards going inside.

“Come on, better rejoin the party, maybe if we’re lucky then the it’ll go the way of all of Buffy’s parties, then you guys won’t be able to up and leave me just yet.”

I wink a little, but I mean it a lot. There is a tiny slice of me that kinda wishes for a little catastrophe, just a little something to keep them here a little longer. It’s a selfish thought though, so I just smile and lead the way. Head back into my home.

Or her home. It isn’t like I moved in yet. Not officially.

And nothing has gone wrong, just a whole lot of good. The hour creeping close to one, the time for them to leave me approaching as fast as anything that you never really want to arrive so soon. A couple of us are a little juiced, me and Cordy shooting some shots, Anya making demonic work out of a half a bottle of whisky.

“You MUST come back for the wedding Cordelia, it’ll be nice having all of Xander’s conquests together in one room…”

“Hey, he never conquered me!”

“Me neither An, it was more a case of me conquering him.”

“Well, he definitely conquered me with all of that oozing masculinity. You really were quite foolish to let him go, and now it’s too late.”

Poor girl is delusional.

“Yeah, I’ve been kicking myself since I left Sunnyhell, ‘why oh why did I let the stud muffin go?’, Cordy too, I’ve seen her do her fair share of pining.”

“Ha! Well the ship has sailed!”

She’s wavering a little in her seat as she points out the man of the moment, playing cards with Giles and Wes, probably trying to get enough money together to skip out on the wedding. I just wanna know if it’s appropriate to knock the sailing ship over the head with my empty bottle of beer…

“So when is the wedding Anya, do you have outfits picked out?”

“As soon as possible, we did have it planned for sooner, but then Tara had to get herself taken and Faith had to get herself dead…”

“Gee, sorry An.”

“Apology accepted, just try and stay alive now please, I really do want to get married.”

I kinda got that already.

“As for outfits, I want the green.”

“You’re having a green dress? Is that a demon thing?”

Cordy’s eyes are wide with fashion disapproval, making Anya shake her head in all sorts of amusing ways. “No, not me, the bridesmaids! I would never wear green, it’s a horrid colour.”

“So why for the bridesmaids?”

“So I look more radiant, as the bride I should look radiant, the green will lessen them, and therefore make me more appealing.”

And I’m just glad I’m not a damn bridesmaid.

“Nice logic.”

“Thank you Cordy, I knew that someone would understand.”

I go to make a comment about not having a fucking clue, but my mind flow is interrupted by the phone ringing loud, all of the room looking up at the intrusive noise, not expecting anyone to call at such a late hour. As it is it’s Dawn that’s nearest and so her that lifts the receiver.

“Uh, hello?”

“Yes, he is, one moment.”

She covers the mouth piece, looks across at the poker players. “It’s for you Giles, I think it’s the mother ship.”

“Who?”

“England, the council.”

And there goes my stomach. My eyes fly to Buffy, see the inquisitive look that she’s shooting at me. Catch the ‘what the hell?’, that she mouths across the room. And how the fuck do I know? I just watch Giles as he makes his way to the phone, takes the receiver with him into the kitchen, not even my ears able to make out the hushed words of the watcher.

It’s soured the mood, no one speaking, all of us waiting. No one able to guess what they could want and Giles’ face giving nothing away when he eventually returns.

“What do they want?”

She speaks before I do. Asks my question.

“Right, well, it seems we have a bit of a situation on our hands.”

“What sitch?” And there’s my voice. Not wavering, not yet. Still clinging onto the happy home atmosphere. Believing in the dream.

“The council have informed me that there is a rogue slayer on the loose, that they think she’s heading to Sunnydale.”

What the fuck? What the fucking fuck!?

“No way Giles, that’s crap! Everyone knows that I’m not some fucking rogue anymore, Jesus, what the fuck is it with them guys?”

“Calm down Faith.”

“Fuck calm, I’m sick of this crap, fuck calm, fuck the council, and fuck this!”

I pull myself up fast, glad my body can take the shots without sending me woozy, I don’t need woozy, I’m too damn pissed. I can’t believe that after all of this time they are back on my case again! I am not a fucking rogue!

“Faith, wait?”

Her voice reaches out through my rage, and begins to placate me, urging the feel of the fear to loosen across my shoulders. I go and stand at her side, face the watcher and wait to hear the rest of the crap. I feel so tense, so ready to burst and I know that she can sense it, her fingers reaching up to soothe across my back.

“What the hell is going on Giles?”

“I can’t believe that we didn’t consider this, it really was quite simpleton of us all.”

Now everyone is standing, all of them crowding in, all of them waiting.

“They’re not talking about Faith, that’s it, isn’t it Giles?”

I turn to Wes, back to Giles. Catch the nod, realise the absolute obvious.

“Holy crap.”

“Am I missing something here?”

“Think about it Cordy, I died…”

“…so another slayer was called. Oh my god.”

If a room could get more quiet than silent, then it just happened. Maybe considering how stupid we were to not even think it, maybe considering the thought of a chosen three, where just a second ago there was two. Maybe even considering just how dangerous and volatile a rogue slayer can be. That’s where my thoughts lie… what I was. What’s out there now.

“Do we know her name Giles?”

“Yes Buffy, I believe that they said it was ‘Kennedy’.”

Kennedy.

Kennedy the Vampire Slayer.

I roll it around in my head. The name fizzing through my system. Maybe even speaking it out loud. And I just can’t wait to meet her. This girl. This rogue.

The slayer who has replaced me.

Chapter 35

POV Faith

I hit the ground and roll fast, keeping my body locked tight, ready to spring up and explode, a flurry of fists, a knee to the jaw and BAM! Dust. Gotta love it. I turn to B, offer her a smile that says I wanna be her champion, slide a little wink across the graveyard and walk my way in close.

“Whaddya say B, you like my moves?”

“I’ve seen them all before, I perfected those moves.”

“Aw, don’t be like that…” I slip my stake back into my jacket and throw my arm lightly across her shoulders. “…it’s alright to be a little bitter, I know I slay way more than you, but still girlfriend, you’ve gotta be impressed.”

“You slay way more than me?”

She shakes off my arm and turns to face me. “You make it sound like you keep count Faith, please don’t tell me you keep count?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t?”

“No way! This is team work, not a competition.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Faith…”

“No, it’s cool, I’m sure if your numbers were as impressive as mine you wouldn’t wanna shout about it. Must just be me, I’m so damn bad.”

“You’re such a damn show off.”

I know that, but I can’t help it. A little piece of me still wanting to impress her. As eager as the first time I’d had her eyes on me, to show her everything that I’m capable of.

“As long as you keep watching the show B, then everything’s good.”

Her eyes slide deliciously over me, her face coming closer till her lips place a soft kiss against my own. “I’ll keep watching the show, and you can keep being centre of attention.”

With that she turns and walks ahead of me, shaking her ass and stretching up her arms… definitely putting on a show. The kinda show I like, the kind of show that has me forgetting all about numbers and competition, and thinking instead about how much attention I want to lavish onto her.

“How long till we can call it quits?”

“We’ve covered most of the cemeteries, I don’t know… maybe we should swing by the docks again?”

“You really think that she’ll be down there? From all the info we’ve had, I figure the girl likes her accommodation a little cleaner than the poor side of town.”

That makes her stop again, turn to face me again.

“Are you feeling anything?”

“Bored?”

“Very funny. Are you feeling anything from her? Are you sensing anything?”

I try and centre myself, separate the slayer side of things from the normal side of things, slow my heart and take a deep breath in, a slow breath out. Searching, feeling…

“Nope, not a thing. I get the vamp buzz, get the you buzz, nothing else.”

“Me neither.”

It’s been the same way for three days. Three nights. Us sent out to search, and nothing here to find. Everyone is hanging in limbo, waiting for the latest in the line of wayward warriors to make her move. Angel has stayed, Cordy too of course… but the others have headed home, gone to fight the fight on their own turf. In my opinion Angel could’ve gone too, but who knows, the guy has a way with slayers, especially the rogue kind. And I like having him here. I’m not complaining.

“Maybe the council are wrong B, maybe she’s not headed here at all, it would be kinda stupid if she’s as dangerous as they say she is, why come here?”

“For the challenge?”

“No way, if I was her I’d stay as far away as possible from the only people that could bring me down.”

“Maybe she thinks that she can bring us down.”

And I can’t help laughing a little. A chuckle. A roll of the eyes. “Like to see her try.”

“Careful what you wish for.”

She says it with that ominous tone, but I just ain’t buying it. The girl would have to be fucking crazy to try and take on two of her own. But then maybe she is, the council haven’t given Giles a glowing reference, just plenty of reports about her instability.

“I dunno, it just doesn’t feel right, and I sure as hell don’t trust the stuffy shirt brigade. I bet that there’s more to it. What did they say about her watcher?”

She brings her finger up to her lips, cocks her head over to the bushes, and reaches her hand inside of her jacket. I guess we have more company. I’m half tempted to show off some speed again, make her mouth wet with my snazzy show of fucking fast. But hey, a girl don’t wanna hog the limelight. Plus standing back and watching has it’s own advantages too.

I offer her a silent nod and take a step backwards, telegraph that this one is all for her. I’m just a voyeur. Happy to watch as she turns and saunters slowly over, pushes a hand inside of the bush and pulls out our latest late night snack attacker, only…

“No way, you have got to be fucking kidding me!”

There in her hand, cowering under the strength of her grasp, is Andrew. Our boy wonder, our squirming maggot.

“Sneaking around in bushes Andrew, I thought you would have learnt that lesson?”

He shakes and shivers, tries to make some form of intelligible sentence, gets stuck somewhere with the ‘Uh… um… I…’. Gotta say it’s pathetic, gotta say it’s pissing me off.

I stalk over to her holding him and push my face into his, snarl out my words to make him shiver more. He deserves it. He so fucking deserves it.

“You better start talking, and you better make it quick. I’ve got no time for you and your pissy little pants, I do have a whole heap of pain for ya though.”

Buffy drops him at my comment, perhaps wondering if the kid really did piss his pants, I wouldn’t know, I just know I want him to, want him to be scared, want him to know that hiding and listening in on slayers is as bad as it gets. The first time he was lucky, he got away with it because there was too much going on, this time he won’t be lucky. I’m ready to settle scores.

“I didn’t… I wasn’t…”

I give him a little tap, just a little snap of toe against his belly. Like play, nothing yet like pain. “Not what I’m looking for Andrew, what were you doing?”

His eyes are getting watery, his nose runny.

“Back off Faith, I can’t stand it if he starts crying. Let me have a go.”

She crouches down in front of him and I back a distance away. About a distance of not very far. I can handle her playing good cop, bad cop, but this boy had better have answers. He cost us Tara, he cost me my life. He fucked around with things that he never should have fucked with. I would’ve let him off if he had stayed away. But back here? Snooping again?

“So come on then Andrew, what’s going on?”

“It’s nothing, I wasn’t doing anything…”

“Hmmm, not so believable. First of all, you’re hiding in bushes, secondly I have to think that you’re following us, and thirdly, you have a history of playing for the team marked ‘bad’. I’m gonna need an explanation, and if you want Faith to stay at being nice, I’m going to need it now.”

He sits himself up on his haunches, does nothing to stop the tears from flowing freely down his cheeks.

“I said ‘now’ Andrew.”

I can’t take much more. His tears are bullshit, he is bullshit.

I go to move in again, hear him squeal a sound that even Dawn would be embarrassed to make. “This is fucking pointless B, let me get it out of him…”

“No! No… I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you everything.”

“You’d better do Andrew, she’s getting antsy. She’s mean when she’s antsy.”

“Okay… I wasn’t being bad, I’m not bad anymore, I’m good now, I’ve joined the light side of the force…”

Of for fucks sake.

“You’re not a fucking Jedi!”

He gives me an intense look and I wait for the mind melt. It doesn’t come. What does come is my fast waning patience, reaching around B and grabbing the boy by the ear. Pulling him up, holding him in front of me. “No more crap, no more games. Just tell us straight, what the fuck are you doing here?”

“I WAS telling you!”

“You were trying to redeem yourself, you have to earn redemption Andrew, you can’t just claim it.”

Her tones are much calmer than mine, her hand cooler as it slides across my arm, beseeches me to release him again.

“Fine B, but he damn well better start talking sense, I’ve got places to be, and I’m not averse to feeding this fuck to the fishes when I get there.”

“Andrew?”

“I was visiting Johnathan… that’s all. I came to see Johnathan.”

Oh please.

“Johnny boys dead, Warren took care of that, now think again…”

I just wanna hit him. He hurt me, he hurt B, he hurt my family.

“Faith wait, I want to hear.”

“I know he’s dead… I saw, I just… this is where he is. Where he’s… buried.”

Now his tears are streaming, and a tiny piece of me, just a tiny piece, it feels a little bit shitty. He still hurt me though, and I’m not ready to flow out forgiveness. Johnathan knew what he was doing, they all knew what they were doing.

“Show me.”

He pulls himself up and starts to wander aimlessly amongst the gravestones, the whole time talking about what great friends they were, how it was never meant to be this way, they never wanted this. But then neither did we. They asked for it, we didn’t.

“He’s here… that’s where he is.”

We come to stop in front of a fairly new plot, just a small stone, a small reminder. And he falls to his knees, sobs uncontrollably, and starts talking to the earth. Jumbles of words, snivels of snot. Again I feel a twinge, a part of a place that isn’t hardened by hurt.

“Still doesn’t explain what the fuck you were doing following us, hiding in the bushes.”

And I push it down. I don’t want to trust him.

“Faith…”

“No B, this kid has got a lot to answer for, I don’t trust him.”

She nods her head, sighs as she turns back to him. “I have to agree with her Andrew, I’m sorry you lost your friend, losing people is never easy… but the bushes, why were you following us?”

He looks up to us from the floor, wipes his hands across his eyes and steps up to standing. “I wasn’t following you, I swear it, I was following the other one.”

My eyes fly to Buffy, her eyes fly to me. The other one?

“What other one?”

“You know? The other one like you.”

And there is something that I wasn’t expecting. My senses instantly raised, searching again, feeling her out, the hairs across my neck rising with the thought that she has been watching us. Freaky feeling.

“I think that you should come with us, don’t you Andrew?”

You what?

“What the fuck B?”

“He can tell us all that he knows, he can tell all of us what he knows.”

“Yeah, cos that went so well the last time.”

“I told you, I’m different… I’m on the path of good now…”

“It’ll be fine Faith, because if it isn’t, if he so much as breathes a wrong move, then there is a whole house full of people that will take retribution on him. He understands that, don’t you Andrew?”

His head is nodding up and down, eyes flitting one last time to Johnathan. “I’m good now, I’ll be good. I promise.”

What fucking ever. All I know that is that if he isn’t, if he dares to play at any tricks, then I will be the first in the queue to teach him why he never should have messed with our home. Maybe second in the queue. Maybe third.

The boy had better keep his promise.

It hadn’t been the happiest of homecomings, all of the gang in attendance, waiting to see if we had unearthed anything regarding psycho slayer mark two. Not that they call her that, much too polite, but I know that they think it a little. Sending me apologetic glances every time they talk about ‘rogue’ and ‘crazy’ in the same sentence as slayer. I wanna tell them that I’m over it, that bygones have passed and I’m not at all sensitive about my former wacky days. That would be lying though.

I spoke to B about it, of course I did, we have a regular little care and share thing going on now. She asks, I grunt, she asks again, I grunt louder. It works. We’ve managed to sift through most of the crap that sent me skating over the edge before, both of us apologising as if we weren’t just kids that didn’t have a fucking clue, and now she understands how I feel. I hate what I was before, I hate who I was, and what I became… I’ll always be sensitive about it, because it was my choice to go that way. There may have been markers, little shoves in wrong directions, but I made my choices. I folded all the fucking corners under, and made my own damn bed.

So yeah, I call her psycho slayer mark two, because in my head that’s what she is. Don’t know her reasons yet, her pushes and her shoves. But I do understand what she is tasting, what the power of the darkness feels like.

They had all stood expectantly as I marched through the door, nearly all of them falling back down in shock as B had marched our new prized possession, in right after me.

“What is HE doing here?”

“Cool it Red, he’s not here to party, we found him at the cemetery, he’s got a little info.”

“No! I don’t want him here, we don’t want him here…”

“Sweetie…”

“No Tara, there’s no place for him here, guys?”

Willow had held her arms out and implored the gang, all of them nodding, all of them agreeing with her quick judgement. I know that I agreed with it. Couldn’t see why we hadn’t just interrogated him in the cemetery and then cut him loose. Or cut him. I had hated seeing him back in the house, back in the centre of the homestead.

“I’m with Wills here.” Xander had spoken next, eyeing up the intruder with all the disdain that I felt. “He’s bad news, he shouldn’t be here.”

“I agree with Xander. And why is he crying, did you hurt him? Did you hurt him bad?”

“No Anya, we didn’t hurt him. I’ve assured him that everyone is going to hurt him if he doesn’t cooperate though, so yay, could be fun times ahead.”

Buffy had dragged him over to the same sofa that I had questioned him on the last time, denied him all rights to water, denied him everything except the chance to speak, to answer queries.

“So what do you know, what have you seen?”

He travelled his shaking eyes over all of us, flitting about nervously, even more so when I approached him, toying with him. His gaze finally coming to rest on Tara, spotting the softest touch and clinging to it for dear life.

“I saw her two nights ago, I was visiting Johnathan…”

“I thought Johnathan was dead?”

“Yeah, he is Red, Andrew keeps a vigil at the graveside, probably praying for his soul.”

She narrowed her eyes on him, no doubt considering turning him toadish. I caught the not so impressed looks as well though, the shaking head from Angel, the pained glance from Tara. Couldn’t help it, the boy had hurt my family.

“Carry on Andrew.”

“Right, I was visiting… and uh, I saw her. She thought that I might be one of them, you know… the Vampire, the night walkers.”

“She’s not so hot with the senses then?”

“Faith, please be quiet.”

Giles had told me to be quiet? Or he had asked me. All the same, it had thrown me for a minute. I knew that I should hush, knew that I wasn’t the best one to be throwing out commentary on all that was happening, but it was like I couldn’t control it. I was mad at Andrew, freaked about the new girl, pissed about my past. It was hard to keep a lid on it.

Luckily for me, the girl that holds my heart, also knows my feelings, and she had the foresight to come and stand with me, to lead me away from a direct line of attack to sit on the sofa next to Red, maybe putting the scariest two together, easier to keep an eye on.

“What does she look like? The council didn’t give us too much to go on, all that we know is that she is seventeen, she has dark hair. That she is most definitely a little unstable…”

“She’s beautiful.”

“Huh?”

“She’s beautiful, her eyes are like the darkest chocolate. Her hair sways behind her like an untamed beast, flowing wild with the wind. Her body as lithe and supple as any…”

“Jeez, what is this, I thought Xander was the one with a hotspot for slayers?”

Cordy always made me laugh, it didn’t change then.

“He does NOT! His only hotspot is for me, plus everyone knows that slayers are as gay as they come, it’s a female empowerment thing.”

Yeah. That’s what she said. I let B question that one, I was still under my ‘keep quiet’ orders.

“All slayers are gay? That’s a little general isn’t it Anya?”

“Oh, is it really Buffy? I only know two slayers, both of them are gay. Sorry for stating the obvious.”

In a warped kind of way she almost had a point, in that we are two slayers and we are very much into each other. Not so keen on the label though, never been a label kind of girl.

“Can we discontinue the research into the slayer sexual preference and get back to learning more about this new slayer?”

“Sorry Giles, but Anya did start it.”

“Actually Buffy, Cordelia started it.”

“I was only saying, his description was quite erotically charged, it reminded me of someone.”

She pointed her look back to Xander again. And I almost laughed again. Sitting back though and watching without taking part in the banter, I could almost appreciate how wearing it must get for an info guy like Giles, so instead I cleared my throat and called attention back to the vermin.

“Did you speak to her, after she thought you were a ‘night walker’?”

“Uh… I spoke a little bit, I said I knew the slayer, the other slayers, then she asked where you lived but I wouldn’t tell her. She hit me, and that’s all. Now I follow her. I’m looking out for her.”

“What the fuck are you gonna do for her, you’re scared of your own shadow.”

“She’s all alone, I just wanted to…” He shrugged his shoulders, tried to look imploringly at a whole bunch of people that didn’t want his imploring look. “…I thought if I could be her friend, if I could help her, then maybe I could make it up to all of you…”

And that had caused an uproar of sorts. Willow losing it again, assuring him that there was no way that he would be making it up to her, Angel wading in to try and calm the storm, Xander taking umbrage with Angel, Cordy taking offence there. It was all sorts of messed up, all sorts of non happy home like. We didn’t need the turmoil, we were so past a need for turmoil of any sort.

I don’t know who called the break till morning, who’s idea it was to try and sleep on some of the upset, but it was a welcome call. Everybody taking the moment to draw breath, to look around and take stock, to remember that attacking each other was not the way that things should go.

“What about him though, I don’t want him sleeping in the house, surely you understand that Buffy, surely you don’t want him here with Dawn, with any of us?”

“He’s harmless Wills, I’m a little more worried about what one of you might do to him, rather than anything else.”

“Red’s got a point B, can’t just let him wander around, how do you know that he’s not working with her, waiting on another opportunity to sell us all down the river?”

I’d gotten a few nods for my very valid argument.

“Well what do you suggest Faith?”

“Lock him in the basement with the rats.”

“We don’t have rats.”

“Well now we do.”

And that had sealed his fate. A night spent down below, with Angel keeping sentry duty. It seemed fair to me. He had messed with my family, I didn’t want to give him a return try, another chance to damage what was just being put back together. No way. No chances.

I knock softly on the door, just checking that it’s okay to enter, giving the girl the opportunity to control her own environment.

“Who is it?”

“Me.”

“Oh, come on in.”

Finding her laying on her favourite spot on the bed, head down the wrong end, feet in the air, writing furiously in one of her little books. Journals. A written record of everything that is occurring.

“Hey kid, shouldn’t you be hitting the hay, school tomorrow, don’t wanna see ya snoozing through your classes.”

“Ha! Like it makes a difference. Knowing this house, they’ll be another apocalypse due the middle of next week, and then the classes will all seem redundant. Plus I have double gym tomorrow, it’s nothing worth sleeping for.”

I can see her point. It must be damn hard to keep a focus on school work when you live a life like hers.

“Still, you know Buffy’s gonna be pissed if you flunk. Can’t have two Summer’s girls flipping burgers for a living.”

“I was going to apply to the pizza place, there’s definite advancement in spreading cheese over flat bread bases.”

“You wanna work at the pizza parlour?”

“Not really, but it’d be worth it to see the look on Buffy’s face.”

She smiles a devilish little grin, flips herself round and closes her book, tosses the pen across the room to land perfectly on the desk.

“Hey, nice aim!”

“I play with the cross bows when no one’s here, it helps.”

More grin. More sass.

“So what ya writing in the book about?”

“It’s private.”

“Uh-huh, so whatcha writing about?”

“You really want to know?”

“I share secrets with you, seems a fair trade.”

She opens the journal again and runs her fingers through the pages, her eyebrows knitting as if in deep concentration. Her gaze flitting between me and the words.

“It’s mostly just girls stuff, school stuff, Janice is hot for Kevin, I’m documenting her progress…”

“Is Kevin a hottie?”

“No, he smells, but he can do a mean ‘kick flip’ on his board and Janice loves her skater boys.”

Kick flip? Sounds like a slaying term.

“Riiight… so what about you, who you crushing on?”

“I don’t crush, I’m way too mature.”

“So no one?”

“I’m saving myself for Brad Pitt, he keeps calling, but you know how it is. Gotta get through high school first.”

I love this kid, she makes me laugh.

“Responsible, I like it.”

“Yeah. Brad’s not so keen.”

She closes up the book again and lays down on her back, settles her eyes somewhere on that space upon the ceiling. And I know the kind of things that live there, the cracks to be counted, the thoughts that won’t be shifted.

“So what else is up, apart from the Brad thing?”

“Andrew.”

Oh. I guess she’s a little wary of him too.

“It’ll be okay kid, I won’t let him hurt you, I won’t let him hurt any of us this time. Angel is watching him tonight, you’re safe.”

The look that she throws at me is full of rolling eyes, and shaking heads. “You think that I’m afraid of Andrew?”

“Aren’t you?”

And now she laughs. It’s good that we can amuse each other.

“Not likely, he’s a wiener, and a terrified wiener at that. I could never be afraid of him.”

“So what’s the what?”

“I don’t know Faith… I feel, I guess I feel sorry for him. He’s just so… pathetic?” I nod my agreement. “And everyone is being so mean. I know that he was wrong, I know that he was really wrong… but I don’t think that he meant it, and couldn’t we just…”

She looks as if she is afraid of me now, afraid of saying what she feels.

“Hey, spit it out right?”

“Can’t we give him another shot, can’t we forgive him?”

Oh whoa, no, not a flying fuck of a chance.

“Not likely Dawnie, the kid tried to destroy our family, he nearly did… man, think about that, think about the things that he did… I won’t let him off with that. You shouldn’t either.”

“I thought that you’d be more…”

I feel it prickling at the back of my mind. Tripping across my conscience. Fight it down. Beat it back.

“Don’t say it Dawn, it’s not happening.”

I turn from her, go to the door, throw a last comment over my shoulder. “Get to bed, you’ve got school.”

And then I flip the lights.

I knew what she meant, of course I did. It didn’t mean that I was ready to examine it though, not in there. Not with her. I had grunted my way successfully through my past with B, but I still recognised that there was so much left unsaid, so much left ungrunted. There were reasons that I wanted to ride Andrew’s ass so hard, reasons that I needed to.

He hurt me. He hurt B. He tried to destroy my family.

I remember the body swap with such clarity, the moment in the church when it all came crashing down around me. Faced with myself, faced with what I was, a moment when my fiercest punches rained down to try and destroy everything that I could see looking up at me. Hurting Andrew now, was like taking pot shots at myself then.

I’ve managed to outrun the self doubt, managed to see that I’m so different now, that I’m not that person anymore, that I could never be that person again. But I see the bigger picture, I feel it deep inside. I still haven’t been able to forgive myself for all of it. I have their words, I have their smiles, I have their acceptance of this new me, but the joke of it all, is that the more time I spend with them, the closer I get to them… the more that I learn to despise all that I did to them.

It’s so easy to ignore the sad looks from Angel, the pained expressions from Tara, because I’m so angry at everything I have done. I understand so much better now. I know how much that I hurt her.

“Someone’s looking mighty pensive.”

Cue the grunting.

“Ooo, grunts, my favourite form of communication.”

I dare to let my eyes find hers, dare to see the sparkle that she has for me, the shine that she bestows on me. And I can’t help but feel the smallest of chokes in the back of my throat. I tried so hard to destroy her.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing wrong B, just… stuff.”

I close my eyes now as she slides down on the bed beside me, her hand feeling so soft as it wipes the hair from my face to behind my ear, feeling the weight shift around as she brings her head to rest on the pillow next to me. Whispering words to make me feel better, only making my heart feel worse.

“If it’s bad stuff Faith, you know that you can talk about it. I’m here.”

I think of Andrew down below, how much hate I have for him, how much rage, how much anger I feel inside for everything that he did to us. And it’s crushing, an unbearable weight of things that I need to say. Not grunts. But words.

“I hurt you so bad, didn’t I B?”

“Huh?”

“I get it now, I understand it now. I hurt you so bad.”

“Faith, what’s going on, what are you talking about?”

I turn to my side to face her, I want her to see, I want her to know. My tears rival the boys as they slide down my cheeks, my lips aching as I bite my way into them.

“I never really got it, I got that I was sorry, that I was wrong, that I fucked up big style… but I never got it till now. Never understood.”

“You’re scaring me a little here, I don’t know what you mean.”

She is nothing but caring as her fingers trace the tracks of pain from my eyes, wiping them away, offering me all of those special little smiles still. “What are you talking about?”

“Everything. Everything that I did to you, everything that I tried to take from you… the whole fucking lot of it B. I get it now.”

“We’ve talked about this, we forgave each other… I don’t understand…”

I hush her with my finger, bring it up to her lips.

“I never had a family, I never had a home. I never knew what I was fucking around with, and now… damn. Now I feel it, now I know.”

Deep breaths.

“It’s so damn special B, you, Dawn, all of you, and having him here, knowing what he did, what he tried to do to us… I fucking hate him. I want to end him, I want to destroy him, I want to make him pay for all of it.”

“I get that, he’s not top of my Christmas card list either.”

No jokes.

“No B, I HATE him. I’ve never felt like this, not ever this much.”

And it’s true. Even when I had hatred for her, it was selfish, a different kind of hatred. This is so much more… this is my family for fucks sake. This is everything. And with that understanding comes the worst knowledge, the realisation of not only how much all that I did must have hurt her, but also how much she must have hated me. It scares me. It hurts me.

Her brow is furrowing before me, her own eyes becoming sad like mine. Tears gathering without reason.

“I don’t know what to say Faith, he won’t be here long. We just need to find out what he knows, and then… well, then he can go back to stalking the graveyard. Quit worrying so much baby, it’s okay.”

“How much did you hate me?”

“What?”

“Back then… I did as bad as him, I did worse maybe. There was your mom, your sister, your friends… I tried to take that all down. How much did you hate me?”

She shakes her head, gentle. Still gentle.

“We don’t need to do this, it’s past. It’s done. I love you.”

“How much?”

“Faith?”

She doesn’t get it. Maybe I don’t get it. But I need to know… because what I feel inside for him, it’s eating at me. Tearing at me. Reminding me again of the darkness, how easy it would be to end him. To take him out. To stop him from ever hurting any of them ever again. And so I need to know how much she hated me. How she ever forgave me. How I forgive myself.

“Please B, just answer me. How much?”

The way that she pulls herself up is less gentle. A need to wipe at her tears now, to look at me with all sorts of confusion.

“Why are you doing this? I don’t want to do this.”

“I need to do this.”

Her eyes steel. Her expression hardens.

“Fine. I hated you like nothing else, is that what you want to hear? I wanted you dead, I wanted you gone… I couldn’t understand why you wanted to hurt me so much, what I had done to ever make you want to take so much from me…”

“Your family.”

“Yes Faith. My family. I could’ve dealt with me, if it was just me you were hurting, but my god… you hurt mom, you could’ve hurt Dawn. You were willing to kill my friends… that was what I couldn’t deal with. That’s what hurt so bad. That’s why I couldn’t just forgive you.”

“I understand now.”

I think that she thinks that I have lost the plot. Maybe lost several plots. Her head shaking again, her body tensing.

“What the hell is this about? You understand what?”

I stand from the bed and walk round to her side. Kneel before her on the floor, wait until her eyes have settled into mine. My fingers now raising to wipe away her tears, the ones that I caused.

“I understand what I did. I feel how much I hurt you.”

“Faith…”

“No, I have to say it. You have to hear it.”

Her teeth clench tightly to her lip, but her eyes never leave mine. I don’t know if she understands exactly what this is all about, I’m not sure if I do, but she is letting me do it, she is giving me what I need.

“I’m sorry Buffy. I am so damn sorry, every pain I caused you, every fucked up thing that I did… I’m sorry.”

I try and emphasise the word. Make it mean even more. Settle back down and await her reaction.

“You are so beautiful.”

Not what I was expecting.

“B…”

“No… you had your turn, now I get mine.”

She moves herself from the bed to sit beside me on the floor, on her knees. Her hands coming down to hold my hands, her fingers lacing their way between mine. “I have never not had a family Faith, never not had a home, I’ve always had love… the same way that you never understood what it was like to have it, I never understood not having it. Yes, you hurt me, yes, in so many ways I hated you… but none of that can come close to how much I forgive you.”

Now my head shakes. I don’t mean it to. It just does, her hand leaving mine to prevent it from falling off.

“And you can stop that right now. Yes what you did was wrong, but you’ve said it yourself… you didn’t understand. I don’t think either of us understood, maybe if we had, we could’ve got to this place a whole lot sooner. You have to let go of it baby, you have to forgive yourself like I have, like we all have.”

“Just like that?”

“Trust me, you’ll feel much better for it. Less burdened.”

I love her smile.

“And Andrew?”

I also love the funny faces that she pulls.

“I don’t forgive him, not yet. But I don’t hate him. I get why you do… this is all new to you right? You feel like he wants to take it away?”

“I want to end him, I don’t want to feel like that.”

“You don’t Faith, you want to protect us, it’s a difference.”

Is it? It feels the same.

“Can we end him a little?”

Now I love her laugh.

“No! What we can do is keep an eye on him, listen to him, maybe understand what he has to say. It won’t be easy, I saw Wills put the evil eye on him… but Tara will work on her, it’s all about chances Faith. You know that yourself… I think that he deserves a chance.”

“I think that he needs a smack.”

“You into spanking boys?”

Everything that she is doing is about calming me down. Lightening the sombre assed mood that I have inflicted upon us. And I let her. I need her to.

“More for the girls, but I’m not totally against the idea.”

“Well maybe tomorrow you can give him a little spank, just to make you feel better, okay?”

“I love you B.”

“And I love you. Definitely working out better for us than the hate.”

“Much better.”

“Plus there’s the perks.”

“Perks?”

“Hot sex, I never got the hot sex with the hate.”

I feel my eyebrows waggling out my thoughts before I even think them. Dancing seductively across my face, suggesting all sorts of naughty pastimes.

“You in the mood for the hot sex B?”

“I’m in the mood for you.”

Her own brows don’t dance like mine did, she just smiles a radiant smile at me, lifts herself up and holds out a hand, starts to slowly undress me. Piece by piece, layer by layer. Opening me up and making me hers. Making me better with every touch, forgiving myself with every kiss.

I don’t think about Andrew as she makes love to me, he doesn’t even once cross my mind, but I know deep down inside, below everything, below consciousness… somewhere underneath all of that, the hate is less. The darkness is less.

I start to forgive myself.

“Rise and shine sunbeam, got a busy day ahead of ya!”

I see Angel’s look, his confusion, his step back as he lets me near the prisoner.

“You okay Faith?”

“Never better, spirits soaring…”

“Should I ask?”

It’s all in the eyebrows.

“Not unless you’re into the sordid side of story telling.”

Andrew cowers back from me as I approach him, the happy set of my voice obviously doing nothing to allay his fears, everything about him remembering the danger of yesterday.

“Easy there tiger, I’m not gonna hurt ya.”

“You’re not?”

“Nah, I thought about it, weighed up the pros and the cons, but no… you’re safe for now. Just watch your step, cos you sure as hell know that I will be.”

“I told you… I want to be good now, I want to help…”

“Save it, it’s like Buffy said, you gotta earn that redemption, can’t just claim it.”

I offer him a hand up from the floor, try not to show my distaste at the sweaty feel of his palms.

“I’m ready to earn it.”

“Great! You can start by making apologies to Red, she might fry ya, but hey… she might not, then you can have some breakfast and make with the info. You up for that?”

“Uh… fry me?”

“Hell yeah, girls got wicked power. You never should’ve messed with her.”

I see and hear the gulp that travels his throat, and I will stop messing, but fuck it, the kid still has to pay something. I may hate less, but I’m not ready to impart hugs, to make it all better for him.

He staggers up the stairs, me hanging back a little to toss some words with Angel, to give him a little of the low down on the thoughts and feelings of the night before. I made him smile, made him proud again.

“Half of the battle is forgiving yourself.”

Sweet words. Believable words. A burden that I didn’t even realise was weighing me down feeling a whole lot lighter this morning. My step friskier, my shoulders looser. It’s all good.

We even managed to duck through the morning without any Andrew sized casualties. Everyone watching him, a couple of them extending out hands to him. Dawn of course… offering some hushed words, soft words, before she had left for the trauma of double gym. And of course Tara. The girl who never ceases to amaze me. But then she has no badness in her, it got her through hell, makes all of our home lives feel closer to heaven. She is the best at forgiveness, wiping his slate clean as soon as he had whispered and whined his way through sorry.

Buffy was business like. Stood next to Giles and awaiting the questions again, not being harsh, but not being soft either. Just prodding him gently to extract all that we needed.

“So you told us what she looks like. You told us how she fights. Is that everything, are you sure that there’s nothing else?”

And he had lit up like a fucking light bulb, almost jumping up and down in his seat.

“I’ve been following her!”

“Yeah Einstein, we got that, your point?”

I smiled as well, didn’t just rip into him.

“I uh… I know where she is staying!”

Oh my fucking good god. And he couldn’t have just said that the first damn minute that we got here. No. Too easy. I know I shook my head in exasperation, saw Giles and B copy me, saw everyone follow my trend.

But then we straightened up. Listened to him tell us the places that she goes to, the holes in which she hides. The clock ticking closer to sundown, the time when she starts to prowl, when she slays. It seems that the council may call her wacky, but she is wacky with a sense of duty. Patrolling the whole time that Andrew had ever followed her.

It leaves us with a lot of questions, a lot of confusion. Each minute passing, bringing us closer to our answers. We are ready to find her, to call her out. Hell, maybe to bring her home. Either way, whatever option, I know that tonight I am finally going to meet her.

Hyped is not even close.

Chapter 36.

POV Buffy.

She is so damn hyper. All day, ever since the morning interrogation of the not so evil genius, she has been bouncing off of the walls. Her tone reduced to nothing but coarse and cocky, banter falling from her lips every time that anyone has spoken to her. It gets wearing. Knowing why she’s bursting with the excitement, but not being able to share in the joy.

“Oh come on B, it’s like getting a new sister or something, it’ll be wicked.”

“A new psychotic sister. Gee. Can’t wait.”

Her eyes had dimmed for a moment with confusion, but then she had just shrugged her shoulders and gone back to her bouncing. “Well I think it’s cool, and all that psychotic stuff is just overkill. What psycho’s do you know go out and fulfil their heroic duty?”

She had a point, but I still couldn’t affix my best cheer voice and make with the high kicks. I just had a bad feeling about something, not a slayer bad feeling, an onset of warning of doom and of gloom, but a Buffy bad feeling. A little slice of women’s intuition.

Or jealousy.

I had never realised how much I liked being part of a ‘Chosen Two’. As in one plus one. Not one plus one, plus another one, because that makes three. And they say that two is company and three’s a crowd. I feel crowded already. Completely irrational, completely ridiculous, beyond selfish… but I just want to keep this bond as our own. I don’t want to feel a low down, back ground humming, whenever this new girl walks into my space, I don’t want to look into her eyes and know that we share an unbreakable connection. No. And I don’t want Faith to want it either. I want exclusive rights to the slayer bond.

So I had watched her bounce, and not bounced with her, listened to her jokes and not laughed with her. Everything going really well in the ‘feeling the fun times’ programme of events for the day.

“Hey Sweetie, are you okay?”

And I didn’t even notice that she was there. Had thought that the empty kitchen really was empty, showing just how off of my game I really am today.

“I’m good Tara, just thinking. You been standing there long?”

“Not long, just long enough to watch the thought process in action, and ouch… that many frown lines has to hurt.”

Her voice is so soft, so melodic, always urging that the hard times be less. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There really isn’t anything to talk about. No big crisis, no impending doomyness.”

“Are you and Faith okay?”

And here comes my smile. Because okay doesn’t even come close to covering it. Me and Faith are wonderful, we’re everything that I have ever wanted. “We’re perfect Tara, in fact, we’re more than perfect, take perfect and add a whole extra dollop of perfection. That’s nearly close.”

She moves over to where I’m sitting, grabs a stool and plonks herself down next to me. Her eyes alight with all kinds of happiness.

“That’s what I like to hear, everything going good in the land of the relationship.”

“Makes a change for me.”

“It’s a nice change. I like it.”

I find myself nodding, because I like it too. “What about you and Wills, you guys are all with the good again now, right?”

Cue more lighting eyes, more of the happy.

“We’re getting there. It’s been hard, with the magic, but she understands now. You can’t cure everything with a spell.”

I know that Willow has been spending a lot of time with Giles recently, re-learning the rules that she had so obviously flouted, understanding that every action has a reaction, that there’s always consequences, nothing comes for free. I also believe that she is going to be fine, she has Tara, and she has love, and that’s a pretty firm foundation for making the right choices.

“You can cure lots of things with love though Tara, I’ve learnt that lesson.”

“Sure, love helps, then there’s the understanding of course, the healing, forgiveness. I believe in her goodness Buffy, she may have touched the bad, messed around with the darkness, but she’s still my Willow, that’s what’s important.”

I nod my head in agreement, I know all about touching darkness, playing with the bad, and so I also know how important it is to see beyond that. How many good things you can miss if you’re too busy documenting the not so good.

“So are you ready for tonight?”

“Tonight?”

“Finding this new slayer, it has to be exciting, another girl like you, like Faith.”

“Uh-huh.”

Really. Everything that I have ever wished for.

“Buffy?”

“It’s nothing Tara, I’m sure it’s gonna be great. Three girls has got to be better than two, maybe we can rotate apocalypses.”

“I’m getting that you’re not overly happy?”

Is it that obvious?

“The council said that she’s rogue… I’m being cautious.”

“ Do you trust the council?”

Not even a small part of me. We don’t know the full story yet, probably won’t do until we meet this new girl, this Kennedy, but the fact that she’s here slaying makes me think that she isn’t as crazed with the rogue as we’re supposed to believe that she is.

“I don’t trust them, no, but that doesn’t mean that I’m hopping aboard the happy slayer train. Things have just settled down, I’ve barely had the chance to be slay girl with Faith yet, and I just, oh I don’t know. Have you ever heard the saying, ‘two’s company, three’s a crowd’?”

“I’ve heard it.”

“Well I feel like I’m living it. Being alone was horrible, one girl in all the world and all of that other isolated crap, but finding Faith again has beaten those feelings. I like her company. I don’t want to be part of a crowd.”

And boy that sounds stupid.

“That sounds kind of selfish Buffy.”

“You think? I was settling on stupid.”

Her laugh tinkles out and makes me smile. Her hand reaching out and encompassing my own. “Maybe silly, not stupid.”

Maybe both.

“I’m sure it’ll all be fine, I’m just worrying about things that I don’t need to worry about.”

“I think that you’re probably right. What does Faith have to say?”

I train my ears to listen down below, hear the sounds of her punches landing hard upon the training bag. Just a work out, just controlling some of the hyperness.

“Not so much with the saying, more with the bouncing. I think she’s pretty hyped, all kinds of eager to meet her successor. It’d be cute if I wasn’t so…”

“Jealous?”

“No! Not jealous… more like… cautious.”

“Because she’s rogue?”

Yes. No.

“Because she’s a slayer. Because she’s beautiful. Because maybe she can offer Faith everything that she could ever need, when just a few days ago, I was the only one who could ever do that.”

And now her head shakes, her sigh following fast.

“That IS kind of stupid. There’s a whole lot more to you and Faith, other than the slayer bonding. You love each other.”

“Of course we do, I know that, but…” And how do I explain it when I barely understand it myself. “…with me and Faith, I always felt that it started with the slayer thing. The only two in the world, the only one’s able to ever truly understand our burden, our calling. It’s special to me Tara, I don’t want to share that.”

“You really are worrying over nothing. Yours and Faith’s connection will always be special, you could create a thousand new slayers, and still you two would be special. There’s too much history, too many moments, too much of everything for anyone else to ever even dream about touching that.”

“You think so.”

“I know so.”

She gives another little squeeze of my hand, makes me almost feel silly for having the worries. All of her words reminding me of the security I have found in Faith. All of the private things, the things that no one else could ever touch.

“It’s still gonna be a little weird though, silly insecurities aside, I mean… what if she makes me buzz like Faith does. What if she makes Faith buzz? Faith is already buzzing enough…”

“Stop worrying!”

I try to.

“You have to remember Buffy that this girl never asked for this, the same way that you didn’t, that Faith didn’t, neither did she. If she is rogue, if she is a little from the unstable side of the tracks, then she is going to need your help… and even if she isn’t as bi polar as the council would have us believe, then she is still going to need your help. Cut her some slack, don’t go in there expecting the worst from her.”

“Yes oh wise one.”

I feel like I should bow to her wisdom, call her Sensei.

“Someone has to be the wise one.”

She has a good point. God knows where we would be if the whole gang was as unwise as I am. Not that I can’t be wise, just sometimes my wise part of the brain disengages in favour of the not so wise part. It’s a condition.

“I hope she isn’t rogue, nothing causes bruises better than a pissed off slayer. I remember.”

“There’s two of you though Buffy, even if she is, surely you can take her down, pacify her.”

Pacify her?

I forget that Tara wasn’t really here for Faith’s ‘bad patch’. She wouldn’t be using words like ‘pacify’, if she had of been.

“That’s right Tara, we’re all about the pacification.”

I pull myself up from my seat, feeling a little better now than I was a few minutes ago. Maybe even good enough to go and handle some of Faith’s bounciness. Good enough to spar with my partner. Not thinking at all that this spar, this moment, could be our last time together as a twosome.

Her eyes fall upon me as soon as I enter the room, not breaking her rhythm, not stopping her body from following through on it’s work out, just letting me know that she knows that I am here. A smile gracing her features, even as the grunts fall fast from her lips. And I know that I have thought it a thousand times before, but she really is beautiful.

“Hey baby, you want some company?”

She catches the bag between her wrapped hands, offers me a little cock of an eyebrow. “You wanna come and play B? I thought you weren’t ‘in the mood’, for training today?”

“I had a mood swing.”

She seems satisfied with my answer and turns her back to me, walks over to the bench and starts unwrapping her hands. The movement drawing my eyes, watching her fingers busy at work.

“What do you wanna train with? I haven’t done cross bow in a while, I think your sister’s aim is getting better than mine…”

Sister’s aim? Dawn has an aim?

“… or we could give the knives a go? Giles got a wicked new set, really nasty looking.”

I start to stretch my muscles out, bending and pulling, rolling my head around until I begin to really feel loose. Ready to play.

“I was thinking something like hand to hand, Faith. Just a little one on one?”

Her attention is grabbed. Her gaze locking into mine, the endless possibilities playing out over her face. And she slips so effortlessly into role, offers me some excitement.

“You think you can take me B?”

I want to.

I take up an attacking stance, let my eyes take a leisurely stroll across her body, holding myself tight over her curves, my breath catching on her lips.

“I know that I can take you.”

She loves a challenge.

What she offers me in return is the shit eating grin, her dimples on full show as she brings her body in closer, holds her hand out for me to shake.

“Fair fight B, may the best lady win.”

“I think we both know who’s going to win Faith”

“I love it when you get all aggressive.”

I take that as my cue to move, to spin in her hand and offer an elbow to the ribs. Nothing too hard, no more than a love tap.

“And I love it when you play submissive, it’s like I said, we both know who’s going to win.”

“I don’t do submissive.”

“Sure you do Faith.” I time my sweep to perfection, throw her attention with the look in my eyes and take the legs clean from under her. Pushing home my advantage, taking her arm in a tight hold and rolling her on to her front, letting my weight come to rest against her back. “Now this feels kind of submissive.”

“Lucky sweep B, I was distracted.”

The more that she strains up, the harder I hold her arm, edging it round to hurting point.

“I don’t believe in luck baby, I think that you just wanted to be underneath me. It’s the truth, you know it, I know it, you may as well submit to it.”

And is she laughing?

“Sorry B.”

What?

I lean in closer, whisper a request for a repeat of her words. Get nothing in return except the smash of her head. Hard. Knocking me from her back, making me bring my fingers up to my face.

“I can’t believe you did that!”

“Stop being such a wuss, you started the fighting dirty, and this here girl’s got a rep to protect.”

“I was NOT fighting dirty, and what the hell have you got in your head anyway? I’ve known rocks softer.”

No lie. That hurt.

Now it’s her turn to start to stalk me, her feet dancing softly round the mats as she eyes me up. Laughing a little to herself at my still pained expression. “Come on B, that was nothing.”

“It hurt!”

“You want a kiss better?”

And I feel a little slip of the mask as the slayer in me begs to make her appearance. Not liking the not being the aggressor. Needing to reaffirm my status. I see as she takes notice of the change, her own shoulders taking a second to go loose and then tensing back up. Just a small change, barely noticeable.

“Looks like the gloves are off B.”

“It’s the only way.”

Her smile is as large as mine as we start with the full on sparring. Years old routines of kicks and punches coming back to the fore. Every single combination, every practiced sequence of moves, we covered them all. Never really about hurting each other, just bringing out the best in each other. Slayer to slayer.

Our taunting words turning into words of encouragement, anytime that the fight was sliding one way over the other.

“Come on B, I know you’ve got better than that.”

Bringing me in for more when my body had urged it’s first rest.

“Jeez, even your kid sister hits harder.”

And turning straight back to taunting whenever a heavy shot was landed.

We went on for ages, trading blows, trading insults, trading love. Our hands covering every inch of naked skin in their pursuit of holds and of grips, every single one of our muscles stretched out and used, pushed to the point of pure freedom. It was exhilarating. The perfect work out. The perfect work up.

It ended with both of us on our backs, breathing heavily and just staring up at the dusty ceiling.

“I guess that answers it then B.”

“Answers it?”

“Who’s the submissive one.”

“It does?”

“Sure it does.” She rolls over to her side, props herself up on an elbow. “Neither of us wants to give up the top spot, must be something about the view.”

My memories flash to her underneath me.

“The view has always been good.”

“Then again, it could be something to do with the power.”

Remembering the sensation of being inside of her. Making her moan for me.

“I like the power too.”

My words have fallen to barely a whisper. Silenced by her fingers reaching out to gently touch me, just a faint graze, the tips across my cheek. And I forget all about my own power, lose myself somewhere in the power of her.

“Can I kiss you B?”

“You don’t need permission. You know that.”

Smiling at the submission in her request the whole time that her body is sliding over mine, taking the upper hand. Her hair falling down to enclose us in darkness, her lips reaching out to enclose us in a kiss. Such a perfect kiss.

“Nice.”

It’s the first thing that pops to mind.

“Just ‘nice’?”

She props herself up on her elbow again. Runs her fingers slowly down my side, stopping to trace out the edge of my training top, to sneak surreptitious grazes across the strain of my breast. I can feel myself beginning to ache with the need to be touched by her, growing taut with the expectation.

“A whole lot of nice.”

“Maybe this will make you think of more than nice, B.”

My pulse quickens in reaction to the dangerous glint shining bright in her eyes. The sexual smile that’s dripping from her lips. I think that I whimper again. I know that I want to. My eyes closing when I feel her mouth slide over my jaw, down to my neck, my head leaning back to give her the room to work with.

Her tongue slips slowly out to tickle deliciously across my shoulder, across to my chest, my thankful sigh filling the room as her lips close tight around a nipple.

“Jesus Faith.”

Feeling her teeth sharp through the barrier of my top as she bites playfully at me, sucking me in hard and then letting me go. Teasing me.

“What do you say B? Better than ‘nice’?”

She expects me to speak then?

When I open my eyes again, hers are locked tightly into mine. Still flashing with the dangerous glint, reaching deep inside of me. Making me flash danger of my own.

“That was hot as fuck Faith. Hot. As. Fuck.”

My words seem to echo against the stone walls of the basement. Bringing her back down to touch me, her lips taking mine in another kiss, her hands searching to find the skin beneath the top, fingers caressing flesh, pinching hard at my nipples. And I pull my way into her, demand that her thigh takes it’s place between my legs, that I can feel her against me. “I need you Faith.”

So much truth there. Knowing now that there is another, that there is three… it’s got me spooked. And I need this moment, this reaffirmation of her touch. Again. Only managing to resist a few hours at a time until I need to be with her. I need it to remember the bond that is so much more than the slayer.

I raise my arms up above my head as she pulls the top away from my body, her lips leaving patterns on every piece of skin travelled. Never stopping. Kissing her way down my stomach to get to my shorts. Pulling at the string, undoing a knot.

“I need you too.”

Smiling at her words, smiling at her touch. Pulling at my pants until they lay discarded on the floor. Her face rising up my body. Her tongue dipping out to run smooth across my pussy, edging my lips apart, losing myself in the sensation of mouths and of fingers. All so hot. All so here.

All so fucking fantastic.

I just about manage not to bite through the whole of my bottom lip when she makes me cum, my hands lost somewhere in her hair, my thighs wrapping tight about her head. Dying to scream, to holler out my absolute unending approval of everything that she does to me. Just biting though. Tight until she kisses me, her body laying warm and flush alongside me.

“That was some nice submission B.”

“Thank you. It felt good to give up the power.”

“It felt pretty fucking good to have it as well.”

Now it’s my turn to roll onto an elbow, to take my place above her.

“You wanna give it back now?”

The smirk that falls across her lips lets me know that she understood my meaning. My hand sliding down to her own shorts just in case she had missed it.

“I’m all for the sharing B.”

My fingers get as far as the inside of her waistband, before the door opens up on a flustered Willow. Walking down the steps, walking in on more than just a heavy spar session.

“Buff, Dawn’s asking if we can order Pizza… and oh my goddess! I am not seeing this. No way, got my eyes closed, I did NOT need to see that…” Her eyes peep out from between her fingers again. “… though now I can finally stop wondering about how that looks, but still… I didn’t see a thing.” She starts backing slowly away. Heading up the stairs. “Nothing. I saw nothing. I’m gonna go back to the kitchen now, maybe come back in a minute. Maybe ten.”

Holy crap.

“I think she nearly stopped breathing.”

“The girls got a talent.”

She’s also got eyes, eyes that just travelled over my very naked body, and my very busy hand. I don’t think that it’s the best way to get myself out of her dreams. And what was that she said?

‘…now I can finally stop wondering about how that looks…’

Oh god.

I make an impassioned, if somewhat late, grab for my shorts, just as an impressive grab made for my top. “This is all your fault Faith, getting all demandy like that…”

“I told you, I have a rep to protect.”

I laugh at her wink, it’s really the only way. Jumping up to standing when I hear the door go again. Feeling the flush.

“Yay, you have clothes!”

“Sorry Wills, got carried away.”

“Hey, no need to don’t apologise to me, not so good if Dawnie had walked in though…”

Point taken.

“So what’s the what then Red, we ordering this pizza?”

“I think so. Giles is treating again. Dawn wants it, Andrew wants it… I only came down to see if you two wanted it, but now I’m guessing you’ve already had it.”

“Funny Wills, really funny.”

She teases us all the time that we take to decide on an order, every sentence a fresh way to inflict embarrassment. And I let her, I’ll take my revenge. Some day. Just laughing along as she makes her way back up the stairs, leaving us to wallow in the shame all by ourselves.

“That was all sorts of uncomfortable.”

“You think? I reckon Red was totally scamming on you, I caught the hungry glances, saw the drool. That girl’s definitely got herself an appetite…”

“No! Not a chance!” I throw her my indignant look with much speed and great strength. “You’re only saying that because of the other day, I wish I hadn’t had told you now.”

“It’s sweet that she has the naughty thoughts for you, it’s really what friends are for.”

“Not my friends.”

I worry that it’s about to turn towards shouting, and then she just starts laughing. Almost rolling around the floor with the laughing.

“Your face is so funny B! Man, you and Red? That’d be a big old non shock.”

“You’re not amusing me.”

“Well you’re not amusing me either… I’m the one all crazy jealous.”

And is it wrong to think that she’s an idiot?

Is it wrong that she’s touched a nerve?

Crazy jealous. Cautious.

“Are we gonna head out, straight after the pizza?”

“Whoa, there’s a rapid change of subject. Maybe I really should be getting jealous?”

She looks at me as if she is totally trying to suss out an answer. Fool.

“You have nothing to worry about. Ever.”

“Aw, ya mean that B?”

“Of course I mean that, I love you.”

It earns me a kiss.

“I don’t mind when we head out, I’m all kinds of sweaty from the exercise, I need a shower…”

“I could wash your back?”

Her instant smile gives me my instant yes. “Sure thing girlfriend, got an itch that could use a scratch.”

Her wink confirming it.

I sit myself down next to her and set about warming down my muscles, just getting back the soft feel of loose. Letting my body know that the exertions are over. For now.

“You think that Andy Pandy really knows where to find her?”

“I think he’s telling the truth, he’d have to have a crazy old death wish to be messing around with us again. It feels like the truth.”

“You’re feeling it too then?”

“What?”

She offers me a little frown. “The expectation thing, the buzz. It’s like when I knew I was coming to meet you, something in me was just all fucking fizzed up full of the juice, now tonight… it feels the same. Like I know we’re gonna find her. You getting that?”

The only thing that I’m getting is acid in my tummy.

“That’s some pretty big feeling you have there.”

“It’s a pretty big event, it’s not everyday you get a new member for the most exclusive club in the world.”

“Club?”

“‘Hot chicks with super powers!’. Xander’s the club captain, he’ll tell you all about it.”

There’s a club? My head hurts. And…

“Maybe she’s not hot.”

“No way! It’s like a pay off from the PTB. Look around at any super hero chick ever and they’ve all got the hots working for them. Take away the costumes and it’s all curves galore.”

I get the feeling that she’s researched her subject.

“She might be an exception.”

“Nah, Andrew said she’s beautiful, remember?”

“Yeah, and he also said that he was going to rule the world. Not the most reliable source.”

I try not to notice that she’s frowning at me again, moving until her fingers wrap around my foot, helping me to loosen out my calves.

“Are you alright B? You’re acting a little…”

Do not say jealous.

“…strange.”

Ah. Strange. So much better.

“I’m fine, I just… maybe you’re rushing into this joy at the whole new slayer thing. What if she IS rogue, what if she’s completely round the twist and crazy?”

“Then we’ll deal with it right? She’s one of us now, that has to mean something.”

I try and keep what it means to me, away from my face. My expression remaining blank. “I’m just saying, we should be… cautious.”

“We’re two big bad slayers, I think we can handle a little less with the caution. Not everything has to be about the rough times B. Loosen up a little, find the fun.”

She is twirling my foot the whole time that she is talking. Unbearable jiggling.

“Quit with the foot already!”

“Huh?”

“My foot. Attached to my ankle. Attached to my body!”

She looks down at what she is doing, offers me a sheepish gaze. “Sorry. I guess I’m a bit hyped…”

“No way?”

“I get what you’re saying, we should be cautious, but I get the excitement too… three slayers B, that’s fucking crazy.”

“Yeah, crazy.” I should probably stop talking, but then I’ve disengaged the wise part. “Aren’t you even just a little bit… bothered?”

“Bothered? About what?”

“This… us…” I motion to the empty space between us, the unseen connection. “…aren’t you bothered about sharing this?”

“You wanna… share this?”

Now I get the frown times ten.

“That’s just it Faith, I don’t want to share this. I like this, I like us, I don’t ever want to share it.”

Again with the selfish.

“You’re confusing me here.”

“I am?”

“Hell yeah. I was talking about getting a new slayer, and you’re talking about all sorts of sharing shit… what you got planned for this girl?”

My mind travels slowly. Her face never changing the whole time. And then I get it…

“No Faith! Not share ‘this’, not this ‘this’, the other ‘this’.”

“Oh right. The other ‘this’.”

I’m glad we cleared that one up.

“What the fuck are you talking about B?”

And do I have to explain everything twice?

“The bond Faith! The fizz, the buzz… all of those warm and fuzzy feelings in the somewhere down below region. I don’t want to share that with another girl, I don’t want you to share that with another girl…”

“Why the fuck would I wanna share that with another girl? Jesus, what do you think I am?”

“You’re the one full of the, ‘Yay, another slayer to add to the club’, I’d say you can’t wait to share it!”

She pulls herself up from the mats now and starts to stalk about. Her words falling fast as she paces back and forth. “I can’t wait to share the calling, share the slaying, I damn well never thought about sharing anything else… you really think that I’d wanna do that?”

This is going wrong.

“No, of course I don’t!”

“Then what the hell are you shouting about?”

And I don’t mean to be shouting. Don’t mean to be pushing us into arguing. I take the time to do a quick count to ten, a few breaths to calm the tumultuous feelings that are not at all her fault.

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be shouting, I didn’t mean… I meant the slayer bond Faith. I don’t want to share that, I don’t want to share any of you.”

“Well why didn’t you just say that? Fuck, I thought you were getting all three’s up in the bedroom kinda thoughts…”

“No! Definitely not.”

She shakes her head, gives a bemused little laugh, and comes to sit back down again.

“I hadn’t really thought about sharing the bond B, the way I see it, what we have is special… throw in a thousand fucking slayers and you ain’t gonna change that. You should just relax some, quit worrying so much.”

Another Sensei candidate, all about the wisdom.

“I know, it’s crazy, I’m being silly and selfish…”

“A little jealous…”

“Am not!”

“Uh-huh.”

“Maybe a little bit…”

She hooks her finger into the neck of my training top, pulls me forward to her lips. “Haven’t you figured it out yet B? I’m crazy about you, I could never feel this for anyone else, could never look at anyone else and buzz like you make me buzz… you don’t need to be jealous, you’ve got all the bases covered.”

“I do?”

“You do.”

I smile when her lips touch mine. Kiss her back with just as much feeling.

“Pizza’s here!” We break apart to see Wills at the top of the stairs again, hand hovering somewhere over her eyes. “And don’t you guys EVER quit with that?”

Not if I can help it.

I flip myself up, offer her a hand up to standing. “Pizza, shower and then the slayer round up?”

“That’s it B, no more worrying. And definitely no sharing.”

She waggles her eyebrows at Willow with the last comment, putting me at total ease for the silly outburst of irrational jealousy. I know. Totally unfounded. Yet still, there’s that feeling. She’s calling it a buzz, I’m calling it unease.

Marching along with Andrew held between us had been no fun. His mouth not seeming to know how to keep quiet for more than a few seconds at a time, either pleading his case for forgiveness, or launching into full on lengthy explanations all about the space, time continuum, and whether Michael J Fox had lost any validity as an actor by starring in Teen Wolf. It was riveting stuff, doing nothing to distract my thoughts from slipping back towards the ‘cautious’. Yet doing everything to make my patience feel strained, and my ear drums feel fit to burst.

“Could you please just shut up! We don’t care about Michael J Fox, or the geeky thing about space, and your forgiveness is definitely looking more shaky by the second…”

“What did I do?”

“I think she wants you to just shut up Andrew, I’m backing her call.”

I had thanked her for the intervention, the saving of my sanity. Winced just a little as she had turned back to the boy and ordered that he point us in the right direction again. Still so eager to find her.

“Are you feeling anything now Buffy?”

“No.”

The same question, every damn minute. Or every five minutes. Why couldn’t everyone just shut up?

We had walked in circles for what seemed like hours, covering the same ground that we had covered the last three nights, Andrew offering nothing except the places where we already knew to look ourselves. It was feeling pointless, the idea of just turning around and heading home definitely ranking up there as one of my better ideas, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It seemed so important to Faith to find this girl, and even in my continual cautious state, I could still appreciate that there was maybe some small importance in finding her. Even if it was only to find out if she really was rogue, heading somewhere towards crazed and dangerous.

“This is some sort of joke right? This is the fourth fucking time that we’ve covered this ground!”

“It’s not a joke, she comes here a lot…”

I had looked around at the familiar surroundings, one of the bigger cemeteries, lots of crypts, lots of places to hide. Lots of places to see and not be seen. And I don’t know what it was, whether it was the caution reaching up to prod at my senses, if it was just my ears finally crumbling to all of Faith’s arguments, but something felt right. I felt something. Turning my attention away from the other two, to concentrate on everything else. The rustle of the breeze as it snuck through the treetops, the intricate way that the shadows found to change their shapes as the clouds rolled out across the sky. It felt like a storm coming.

Closing my eyes and feeling my heartbeat. Solid. Steady. Sure.

“B..?”

“Shhh, quiet Faith.”

Not bringing my head up to look at her, just focusing on the thump, thump, thump inside of my chest. Easy to picks up hers, almost the same rhythm, and Andrew’s… lightening fast, showing fear. I let them flood my senses like an orchestra, isolating each beat, familiarising each tone… until something, a prickling… my hairs raised upon my arms, across my neck…

“She’s here.”

I was sure of it.

“You what?”

“She’s here Faith, I can… feel her.”

I almost didn’t want to make the admission, wanted to run screaming from this moment, the absolute proof that my cosy twosome days were over.

“You’re shitting me B, you can feel her? For real?”

I had shushed her again, flicked my eyes to Andrew, the hurried way he was making glances in all of the bushes, searching out my prey. It had made me think ambush, had made me want to gain the control. Announce our arrival.

“Kennedy..? Are you there?”

Raising my voice just a little in the hush of the graveyard.

“You think she’s gonna come out, just because you called her?”

“If she hasn’t got a reason for hiding, then sure, why not?”

My logic had made perfect sense to me, my hands going around my mouth as I called her name a little louder. My eyes not stopping their vigorous scan of the many places that she could be hiding. Watching.

“It’s a no go B, maybe you were wrong, maybe you didn’t feel anything…”

“No Faith, I’m right. She’s here.”

And I did know it. It was like I had tuned myself into her, my pulse erratic, as if it didn’t know which rhythm it was meant to be following. Who’s beat it was marching to. It was disturbing, intrusive. I wanted to lay my eyes upon her, and fast, just so that I could stop with the trying to feel her.

I turned to Andrew, suggested that maybe he should give the girl a shout, after all, if she had hit him before, maybe she could be tempted to come out and hit him again.

“Uh… Kennedy? It’s me, erm Andrew. Not that you know my name, but it is Andrew…”

“Get on with it!”

“Right… so, we’re not here to hurt you…”

Hmmmm.

“…we just want to speak to you. These are the two other warriors that you asked about. This dark mysterious one is Faith, the tempestuous rebel…”

He had cast his arm out to encompass Faith, his voice dropping an octave or ten on his speech, booming it out as if he had to impress the audience.

“…and the short one, that’s Buffy.”

That was it?

“Just, ‘that’s Buffy?’, that’s all I’m getting?”

For a moment I had wondered if I had finally rendered him speechless, crossed my fingers and wished really hard for it.

“Uh… Buffy… she flips burgers.”

My instant rage had been muted by Faith’s instant laughter. Muted but not killed.

“This is ridiculous, she’s not coming out, she doesn’t want to show herself, I’m going home!”

“But B…”

“No, you can stand around and play ‘hunt the psychopath’, all night long if you want to, I just want to go home and then to bed. The council will be here in a few days, let them deal with her!”

I witnessed as the steel had slammed down. Her eyes retreating, her voice hardening.

“You always been this caring B?”

“I’m just saying…”

“I heard what you said. Loud and clear. And if you really think that I could leave her out here for the council to round up, then I guess you really don’t know me at all.”

“Faith…”

“No B, you go on home, me and Andrew have got this.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Ain’t it just.”

She had turned her back to me and begun searching out the shadows for the girl. My words bonding them together already, facing a common enemy. And I didn’t want to be the enemy, I wanted to fight on her side.

“Can we please rewind for a moment here? I didn’t mean it Faith, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Sounded to me like you wanted to leave her out here as council fodder, maybe they’ll send the same ones they sent after me, would that do ya?”

“No. I don’t want that.”

That made her turn right back to face me, eyes accusing me.

“Well what do you want?! You told me you don’t want another slayer, you don’t want to share ‘this’, maybe the council coming is exactly what you’re wanting!”

“And if that’s what you think, then apparently you don’t know me so well either.”

“‘Apparently’ not.”

It was like one of those Mexican standoffs I had heard about. I don’t think you have to be Mexican to have one, you just have to stand. And glare. Possibly snarl. We had all of that covered. The air crackling with the intensity of our stare. So much unsaid, so much screaming out in the silence.

I felt sick. I knew that I had caused this, but I just didn’t know how to make it better, how to retract my words, what I could say to possibly make her anger any less. I opted for taking a step forwards and softening my voice, apologising.

“I’m sorry Faith, I didn’t mean any of that how it came out. I’m just… tired. Of course I’m not keen to have the council involved…”

“Erm, guys?”

“Not now Andrew!”

I put enough force into my tone so that I didn’t have to turn and give him the big mean glare. My eyes I kept focused on her.

“…let me stay here and look with you, we’ll find her together.”

“Just go home B.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I said so.”

I didn’t understand. Sure it was stupid of me to say what I said, but I didn’t mean it. I had apologised.

“Guys…”

His whine was all that broke the silence, my eyes finally breaking to him, my mouth gasping it’s shock as I saw him held in a tight embrace. Tight around his neck, a cross bow held just off from his ear.

A small part of me wanted to turn to Faith and crow the words, ‘I told you so’. Here was our rogue slayer, and she was so obviously psycho. Superb.

As it was I held it back, knew that it wasn’t the right thing to say, offered something safer.

“You take her left, I’ll take her right.”

I had thought that it was safer.

“Jeez B, how about we try and talk to her first? Wacky plan, could work.”

“Right. Talk.”

I held my breath as she turned again, took a step forwards. A step towards them.

“Hey… Ken? Name’s Faith, now how about you let the boy go?”

“He’s not a boy, he’s a weasel.”

“Yeah, but he’s our weasel, I won’t let you hurt him.”

He whined again as the grasp was tightened around his neck, the cross bow moving in closer. “You’re not really in a good position to stop me.”

I had heard her rasped out words and stepped up beside Faith. The talking didn’t seem to be going so good, and I wanted to be prepared. My eyes training on her trigger finger, wondering at her aim.

“Look girl, I’m all for doing this the easy way, but if you wanna rumble, then I’m ready to cause you some hurt. It’s your call.”

“You think you can get near me before I fire?”

“Do you?”

“Doubtful.”

Faith loves a challenge.

It was the first thing I had thought, how Kennedy’s words sounded like the issuing of a challenge. I had soon snapped out of it though, my attention grabbed back by Faith’s words, her orders.

“B, you take it left, I’ll take it right. I guess we are gonna have to give the girl a little work out…”

My eyes drawing away from the trigger, just offering a smile to Faith. “Go on three?”

“Three.”

We had started our advancement together, just a short space to travel, a gamble that she wouldn’t fire. Everything happening so fast. For the first second she had looked scared, then she had looked resolute, and then she had thrust Andrew directly into my path, my vision scrambled, just hearing the thwack as the arrow had left the bow. And then the scream. I definitely heard the scream.

“Jesus fuck! That hurts!”

I threw Andrew from me, tore my eyes to Faith, her face like thunder, her right hand wrapped around the end of an arrow protruding from her left arm.

“Faith… are you okay?”

“Five by five B, I’ve got a god damn piece of wood sticking out of my arm, but other than that, I’m fucking perfect, you?”

Okay. Don’t ask after a pissed girlfriend’s health.

“All of you shut up or I’ll fire again!”

“I’m closer now, I’d kick your ass this time.”

“Faith…” I just wanted her to stop taunting, enraging the girl with the weapon.

“I warned you.”

I saw the crossbow coming up again, taking aim again. Saw it fire into empty space. Faith had already dropped and rolled, her true speed making an appearance at that moment, catching Kennedy completely off guard. Sending her tumbling to the floor.

“And I warned you.”

I didn’t know whether I should dive in and help, at least for just long enough to give Faith the time to pull the wood from her arm. I didn’t dive in though, I somehow knew that it was the wrong thing to do. That I wouldn’t be thanked. Stood to the side with Andrew instead, watching my girlfriend put the new girl through all of her paces. Playing with her. Toying with her.

“Wow… they look… wow…”

Kennedy just as beautiful as Andrew had said she was. Faith as beautiful as anything I had ever seen. Both of them fighting and grunting, screaming out their aggression. I hated to admit it, to agree with the boy, but wow.

I watched as long as I could stand it. Waited until Kennedy was on her ass for the tenth time, Faith looming over her, imploring her to stay down.

“I think you kicked her ass already, you could probably stop now.”

“Depends if she’s gonna stay down?”

I had moved in close again, looked to see the girls answer, almost stepping back when I saw her tears.

“I won’t let you give me to the council! I don’t care what you do, but I won’t go back to the council!”

“Who the fuck said we were gonna give you to the council?”

“I won’t go with them!”

She was struggling underneath Faith’s foot, trying to work the leverage to throw her aside. To break free.

“Calm down!” And she removed her foot. Instead bending down with a hand, offering an up to the girl who just a moment ago had shot her. So sensible.

“We’re not gonna give you to the council, we’re not gonna ‘give’ you to anyone… you’re one of us now sister, you’re a slayer.”

I held my breath as we waited on her reply. Noticing the slump of defeat reaching across her shoulders, her hand eventually sliding up to find a place in Faith’s.

“Okay, but if this is a trick, if you even try and turn me over, I’ll kill you all.”

“Uh-huh. Sure ya will.”

“I’m not messing, I’ll take you all on.”

“With your aim, and that girly punch, I’d keep it quiet for a few. We’ll talk when we get back to the house. Andrew, B? We ready to motor?”

Just like that.

Just like this.

Me walking with Andrew. Faith just ahead, walking with Kennedy.

And me still feeling cautious.

Chapter 37

POV Buffy.

The night hadn’t gotten any better, in fact, in all honesty, the night had only gotten worse. It wasn’t that Faith was being particularly hostile towards me, we hadn’t shouted anymore, but there was a definite lacking of warmth. Of tingles. Just walking home behind her, and observing the rigid set of her shoulders, feeling the absence of smiles when we had arrived at the door. And the worst of it was knowing that it was all my own fault.

Stupid words brought about by stupid paranoia.

Full marks for my astounding intellect. Really. What better thing to suggest, than leaving Kennedy out there and alone, and at the mercy of the council? I didn’t mean it though, I remember what they are capable of, how much respect they have for a slayer. They spit in the faces of slayers. But once the words were out there, it was too late to retract them, to wrap them up and away in the recesses of the unwise brain. No. I spoke the words and now I am paying the consequences.

When we had first walked through the door, everyone had been caught between the caution and the excitement at the prospect of what we had returned with. A brand new hot chick with superpowers. Possibly rogue.

“Ah, I see you managed to find her.” Giles stepped up first, taking the lead, extending his hand out to her. “I’m Giles, Buffy’s watcher, and you must be Kennedy?”

“A watcher? You’re council?”

Not offering her hand back, just edging away from him, in towards Faith.

“Easy Ken, Giles is cool. I told you, we’re not gonna give you to the council, you need to relax, loosen up a little.”

She didn’t look as if she knew what loose was. Eyes darting around all of the new faces, feet creeping closer and closer to the door again. I couldn’t stop watching her, not speaking, just observing. Almost jumping when I had heard Willow’s whisper in my ear.

“She’s a bit of a hottie isn’t she?”

Not answering, still watching.

“So, is she roguish? Should I get the ropes ready for the bondage?”

I wasn’t sure. Not smiling at the bondage comment, just narrowing my eyes.

“She shot Faith.”

“What!” And she forgot whispering then. “She shot Faith? And she’s not already tied up why?”

It had broken up the little pow wow that was just starting to get going in the middle of the room, Faith’s hand sliding to her injured arm, her body moving one step closer to Kennedy.

“It was nothing Red, she was nervous, it doesn’t even hurt.”

It was nothing. Right. Forget the fact that she could’ve killed her, that she was trying to kill her, just put it down to nervousness. I had moved forwards to go with Faith when the witches led her from the room, insisting that they add some balm and bandages to the still open wound, but she had said no. Instructing me to stay with Kennedy instead, to make sure that she was okay.

She had looked okay. Still skittish, offering only one word answers to Giles’ rapid fire questions. But physically she looked fine. Beautiful. Whatever. I knew that I should say something myself, even if I only offered her a few words to beat back the hostility that had already seemed to be growing between us. But what words were there?

‘Hey bitch, you shot my girlfriend, and now I’m gonna kick your ass?’

It seemed a little too confrontational. But I didn’t have anything else. I wanted to know why she was here, I wanted to know why she had been following us, and I really wanted to know what her aversion to the council was, yet I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I just felt so cold, so rigid. Lacking every piece of warmth that I was missing from Faith, and still so cautious about what Kennedy coming here would mean to us.

When Faith had returned to the room she had dipped her eyebrows at me and offered a sad shake of the head. Perhaps sensing my lack of friendship whilst she had been gone, letting me know with one look just how disappointed she was.

“Hey Giles, I know you have a shit load of questions for the girl, we all do, but I think for tonight it’ll just be best if we all get some rest. We can do this in the morning right?”

I had been stupid enough to smile at her suggestion, not realising what it entailed, what it meant. To me it had meant bedtime. It had meant sanctuary in our room away from the bad times. It meant time to talk to her, to apologise again, to do whatever it took to repair the damage that my outburst of earlier had caused. It really didn’t mean that though. The smile quickly wiped from my lips as she carried on with her bright idea.

“I’m gonna take Ken back to mine, there’s not enough room for her here…”

“What?” I had found my words then. “You’re taking her back to yours? You’re not staying here?”

“Easy B, it makes the most sense. This place is full to the brim with bursting, where would you put her?”

“She could share the basement with Andrew.”

“I don’t think so, do you?”

It was a surreal moment. All that I wanted to do was to shout and scream and holler at the turn of events that I wasn’t at all enjoying. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I was too weighted down with the knowledge that I wouldn’t be finding my sanctuary tonight. No whispered words of sorry, no touches better, no kisses to stave off the bad. My voice was lost in the same desolation as my thoughts, sounding empty.

“Where will she stay at yours?”

“She can take the bed, I’ll grab the sofa. It’ll be fine.”

Fine.

I tuned out on the rest of the words. Stuff about Angel, letting him watch over her. I didn’t care. I don’t care. All that I cared about was her walking from the door, tossing me an empty glance as she left, so unreadable. And now. This. Lying here in the bed, just wrapped up in my Boston checked duvet and sheets, and not wrapped up in Faith. I had wanted to call her back, wanted to go with her. Not about caution anymore, or petty jealousies, just about us.

I keep thinking back on the words, the thousand million things that I could’ve said better than the comment on the council. Anything would have been better. But no. I said it. So fucking stupid. So damn insensitive. It’s like trying to negotiate a mine field sometimes, remembering what can and can’t be said, without tripping over all of our locked up skeletons from the past. I never should have said it, but then she should have known that I never would have meant it.

Somehow I guess that it wouldn’t be me though, if it was anything like easy. It wouldn’t be me and Faith, if it was anything other than fiery.

I slip my gaze to the clock, the ticking hands that set the time at three am. How many hours, how many minutes till I can burst through her door and set things straight between us?

Too many.

I had explained my little outburst to Tara, I’d had to, she’s way too perceptive and she could feel the tension in the room just as easily as I could. Her head doing the same sad shake as I admitted that it was a lot more jealousy than caution I was feeling, that I just couldn’t help the sensation of displacement that the new girl had brought to me.

“But we talked about this Buffy, no one could ever displace you and Faith, you know that.”

And I did. But it didn’t stop the fear. The worry at her excited buzz.

I roll over now and wrap my arms tight around her pillow, trying to feel just one iota of warmth that she may have left behind. It’s all cold though, nothing more than the faint swirl of her scent rising up to tickle my senses.

I think I might scream.

My eyes are drawn to the telephone. Because I think could call her. Wake her up and explain again how I hadn’t meant anything by it, that it was a moment of madness. Nothing more. It seems like a sensible plan. My hand reaching out and grasping the receiver, my fingers shaking as I recall her number from memory. Slow presses. One digit at a time.

And dropping the receiver again.

I can’t just call her. It’s three o clock in the morning for a start, and on top of that, I want to speak to her face to face. I want to look in her eyes when the damage is repaired, want her to get just how far away I am from meaning what I had said earlier.

It’s tempting to get up and get dressed and just march over there. Plead my case through a locked door, hoping that she rises from the sofa before the neighbours call the cops. Or I could knock before I plead. She would know of course that it was me, and I can’t bear the thought of the rejection if she refuses me entry.

Damn it.

I hate being here and so unable to do anything to make the situation better, just laying here trapped in the misery that’s all of my own making. And so it becomes an easy decision to get up and to work out, to take out my frustrations all on my own body. That, at least, is something that I can do.

I pull myself from the bed with every intention of doing as many push ups as it takes to wear my body out to the point of sheer exhaustion, numbing everything until I can’t think anymore. Can’t feel anymore. I just want to sleep.

Starting vigorously, up and down. Arms flexing, shoulders burning. But still feeling, still hurting. Angry at myself for the unwise words, but a little bit angry at her too. She has to know that I didn’t mean it.

POV Faith.

“So what do you think big guy?”

“I don’t know Faith, she’s obviously scared, obviously exhausted. Did you manage to speak to her at all?”

“No more than you did. I don’t think she trusts us, and you’re right, I’m definitely getting that scared vibe.”

A whole lot of scared. Since the take down in the cemetery I’ve been sniffing her fear, catching the darty looks from the frantic eyes, seeing the tenseness with which she holds her shoulders so rigid and tight. I don’t know what the deal is, what the hell she’s so afraid of, but it’s obviously something to do with those good old English assholes. The high and mighty council.

“Did Giles manage to gain any more information from the council? Surely if they have her classified as rogue, she must have done something to warrant it.”

“Not a clue, I didn’t really hang out there when we got back, got my arm seen to, and split.”

“How is the arm?”

I give it a little flex, stretch it out and around. “All in working order, nothing more serious than a splinter.”

He accepts it as the truth, takes a moment to ponder on his thoughts.

“Do you think that she was really trying to hurt you?”

And now I ponder too.

The girls a fucking slayer, and to my mind, if she wanted to hurt me, then I would be hurt. There’s plenty more dangerous places to shoot someone other than the arm.

“I dunno, I don’t think so. She was scared, me and B were rushing her, I reckon she just acted on instinct.”

“It is a possibility. We do have to remain cautious though, you know yourself how dangerous a rogue slayer can be.”

Don’t I just.

“You’re preaching to the converted Angel, I do know how dangerous, rogue can be, but I’m just not getting that vibe from her.”

Really I’m not. There’s no craziness lurking in the depths of her eyes, just fear. A whole lot of fucked up fear.

“What does Buffy say?”

“You what?”

“Buffy, what does she think?”

Oh. Now here’s a subject that I don’t wanna go delving into.

“I guess you’d have to ask Buffy about that, wouldn’t you?”

I catch the look, the little pause where his confusion sits. “Am I missing something?”

“Not really. We had a disagreement. No big.”

“You had a disagreement… can I ask what about?”

“You can ask whatever you want, doesn’t mean that you’ll get an answer. Fuck it, I don’t even know if I have the answers.”

What she had said to me earlier, it’s got me so damn pissed. That she could say that, that she could even think that… it’s too fucked up. She knows my history with the council, she’s got her own damn history with the council, and suggesting that we leave Kennedy to them, it’s just about as bad as suggesting that we throw her to a rabid pack of baying wolves.

“I take it that it has something to do with Kennedy?”

“And ain’t you just the perceptive one.”

“Faith?” He leans forwards in his chair, fixes me with that deeply intense look, the one that says no bullshit.

“Okay, okay… she said some stuff. Really fucking stupid stuff, it hurt.”

“What kinds of stuff?”

“All about leaving Kennedy to the council, letting them deal with her.”

He sits himself back again as I speak the words, a little surprise showing on his face. “She said that?”

“Damn right she said that! I couldn’t fucking believe it man, all the shit we’ve been through and she wants to cast off a slayer for the council to round up. It’s messed up, totally fucking messed up.”

I take it that his nod is agreeing with me. Setting me off on a roll, giving vent to lots of pissed off feelings.

“The whole way she’s been acting is messed up, all about not wanting to share the slayer bond. It’s like when I got here, the first time, all that… ‘this is my life, my calling, mine, mine, mine’… well it’s the same now Angel. I don’t know what the fuck her problem is, but that girl needs to learn how to share!”

“You stole her fries.”

You what?

I look up from the spot on the table that I had vented to, see the smile in his eyes, the way that it’s gracing his lips.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Buffy. When you first came, she told me. You pinched the food from her plate. There was me, barely back from hell, and all that she could worry about was the fact that this new slayer had stolen her fries.”

I can just about imagine it. Him laying there in agony and her whinging and whining about my forays onto her plate. The only thing that makes the image seem unreal is the memory of how well she had taken care of me when I had returned from hell. Nothing in her mind except making me better. Making me strong again.

“She’s a strange one B, I just don’t get what her problem is.”

“Did you ask her?”

Did I?

I think back over the training session, my cheeks heating as I get to the fun part, cooling down as I slide on by to the not so fun part. Misunderstandings. Caution. Jealousy.

“We spoke about it. She doesn’t want to share ‘this’.”

“This?”

Exactly!

“That’s what I said. I don’t know… the bond. Me and her?”

He looks about as confused as she had made me feel. “You and her?”

“Not like down and dirty shit, but the connection… you know, the slayer thing, she’s all freaked about sharing the buzz.”

“And you’re not?”

I feel my shoulders shrug without thinking, my brow furrowing as I try to work out exactly how I feel. “It’s not like that. What me and B have, it’s special, it’s more than fucking special. It’s like I said to her; you could create a thousand new slayers, and still we’d be special. We’re the chosen two Angel, always will be.”

I watch as he nods to my words, going into one of his moments of silent contemplation. And I know not to bug him, not to slow his flow, cos when he gets all pensive like this, it usually means that he’s gonna have an answer. Something worth hearing.

I rise from the table and snag myself a beer from the fridge. Angel isn’t too keen on keeping me stocked with the whiskey, but he’s pretty relenting over beer. Beer’s like soda pop to a slayer. It’s all in the constitution. I make my way silently to the back bedroom, sneak a little peek in at Cordy all sound asleep. The clock is flashing 3:20 on her little side table, making me realise just how late it is getting. How exhausted I feel. So weary.

Next I head to my room. To my own bed.

I just love the way that the moon slips through the window in here, keeping me company when the nights used to be long, charting the hours until the morning, till I was off duty again. Now it just lays pretty across her face, picking out her features, making her seem almost fragile in the half light. And I really want to know what her story is, what has been done to her that is so damn bad, that it has her running from god knows where, just to get to the here.

For me it had been something about sanctuary. For all my cocky phrases and bullshit stories, it had always been about finding refuge. Finding Buffy. I wonder if it is the same for her, whether she has heard the tales of the best slayer ever, and thought that she would be afforded some kind of safety here. Protection from the big bad world.

“Faith..?”

His voice is so soft, barely there. Calling me back towards the door, away from the position I had taken next to the bed. My hand so gentle in it’s movement, just brushing a flow of black hair away from her head. Trying to soothe her brow. I don‘t know if it‘s the slayer connection, if it’s just seeing someone so in need of help… but I do feel for her. Feel something for her.

It’s like with Dawn. All those months ago now, when she was broken, when she was needing. Helping the helpless. Angel has taught me well.

“I’m coming, I was just checking on her, making sure that she’s okay.”

“She’ll be fine, she’s here now, and whatever it is, whatever has her so scared, we’ll find a way to protect her. To look after her”

“I wish B felt like that.”

“Maybe she does.”

“I told you what she said Angel, looking after the girl is not top of her agenda. Jeez, she wanted to put her in the basement with Andrew! How fucked up is that?”

I down the rest of my bottle as we make our way back to the table, grabbing another before I sit myself down.

“Buffy’s different to you Faith, you can’t always judge people by who you are, what you do. You have to accept the differences.”

Right. Here we go then. The outcome of the pensive five minutes. Prepare for incoming wisdom.

“You wanna break that down for me big guy?”

“You’ve always been more self assured then her, even with your defences and your impenetrable walls, you’ve still always had the ability to roll with the punches. To pick yourself up and keep on smiling.”

I think back to my night of falling to pieces. My tears in the rain.

“Yeah, sure thing. Begging for death was all about the fun times Angel.”

There’s no shame in admitting that he’s lost me. He does it a lot, but he always takes the time to go back, to make it clearer for me.

“You bounced right back though Faith. You were trapped, you had no out, you believed that death WAS the only out. It took me barely a few minutes to sway your options though. You rolled with them. Took the punches and dusted yourself off again.”

I guess. Maybe. Not sure what the fuck that has to do with anything.

“Is there a point to that?”

He smiles and shakes his head. Pretends at sighing out some of the air that his lungs just don’t need. “You know the deal Faith, there’s always a point.”

Words I’ve heard a thousand times before from him, words that I have come to accept.

“You gonna elaborate, or do I have to play connect the dots?”

“Which would you prefer?”

I ponder over the last few minutes. Not a step clearer on what the underlying meaning is going to be.

“Nope, you’ve lost me, gonna have to lay it all out.”

“Buffy has never been so self assured, she’s worked the power because it was given to her, she’s been the slayer because it was demanded of her, she never would have wanted it otherwise Faith, she wouldn’t have wanted this life.”

“Who would’ve?”

But I know I would’ve. For all the moans about the calling, the shit situations that I’ve found myself in, I fucking love this job. I love the power. I kinda love saving the world.

“You would’ve. Maybe that’s where your security in the bond comes from. You can separate yourself from the slayer, because you appreciate that the slayer side is separate. It’s like a job, it’s what you do, not who you are…”

Obviously.

“…for Buffy it has always been her burden, her entrapment. Something that she is forced to endure.”

I know that he is right, but it still doesn’t make the sense.

“You’re right, but so what? B always had the hard done by thing working for her, a nice slice of piety to make herself a martyr. I don’t see what the fuck that has got to do with this though?”

“You changed her. You’ve made it different. Think about it Faith, since you and her have been together… is there so much sadness in her eyes? Is the burden still breaking her back?”

Think about it.

No.

Her eyes smile for me. Her back doesn’t break. We share the burden, it isn’t a burden. It’s ours.

Oh.

He must see something in my eyes now, because when I fly my glance back to him, he breaks out a smile. A lop sided grin. A knowing nod.

“This is nothing to do with Kennedy, Faith. This is about you and her. This is about her security, her own doubts, it’s about fearing that everything she has found in you, will be lost again, just like that.”

“But I love her. She knows that I love her.”

“I don’t doubt that she does, the same as I don’t doubt her love for you… but love doesn’t stop people leaving, love doesn’t stop hearts from breaking.”

I hear the experience in his tone, the sound of his own heart breaking.

“I would die before I left her. She’s everything to me.”

Making his head move slowly up and down, another wasted sigh blown out into the night. And I don’t mean to make him feel bad, but I could never just leave her like he had done. Maybe he is a better ‘man’ than me, because even if it was for the best, I could never drag myself away from her side.

“The chosen two, right?”

“No, more than that. Strip away the slayer and I wouldn’t leave her side, strip away anything and I wouldn’t leave her side. I ain’t never had anything as special as her Angel. Fuck the calling, she IS my calling.”

Jesus. I’m like Shakespeare on crack. All about the dramatic romantic expressions.

“Nicely put.”

“Thanks, I’m working on a screen play.”

I swig long and hard at my beer, cover the shades of embarrassment from my tiny little outburst.

“Maybe you should be working on Buffy?”

Sounds exciting.

“You making suggestions big guy? A bit of vicarious loving?”

“You know exactly what I mean, imagine what it is that she is feeling right now, imagine her doubts, her fears… take all of it and pretend at being her. Just for a moment, just for a minute.”

Pretend at being her?

Where the hell do I start?

“Start with the feeling Faith, with the slayer.”

Did I even speak out loud?

He is just staring intently at me again. So I begin.

The feeling. The slayer. I can’t imagine not loving it, not embracing the power and hollering it out from every roof top. I can’t imagine being shackled by it, kept as it’s prisoner.

“I can’t do it Angel, I can’t imagine it any other way than what I know.”

“Precisely.”

“Precisely? Precisely fucking what?”

“I doubt that she can either.”

It’s like the cryptic part on all those stupid crosswords. Just say what ya mean. So much simpler.

“She can’t either, which means…”

“It means that it doesn’t matter how much you love her, how much you tell her that slaying isn’t the connection that binds you… if that is what she thinks, what she believes, then that is where she is stuck.”

I take a moment to try and digest what he is saying. A moment to look back at the last couple of days. The nights spent hunting the new slayer, my excitement at finding a new slayer, my absolutely buzz at finding a new slayer…

“I guess she’s feeling pretty crappy.”

“And I guess that you’re probably right.”

“She was still stupid to say what she said.”

“I’m not arguing with you, but we all say things in heated moments Faith. It’s better to judge people for the good that they do, rather than the mistakes that they make. Words are just words.”

Right.

“What time is it?”

He turns to look out the window, the changing colours of a fading night sky. The dropping of the moon.

“Coming up to four.”

I gesture back towards the bedrooms. “Will you, if I…”

“Of course I will.”

I don’t finish the bottle of beer. I don’t need it. What I do need to do is see a girl. My girl. It seems she has some fears that I need to put to rest.

I stand outside of her house and wonder about knocking. I don’t need to knock, I have a key… but it just feels like I shouldn’t use it. That I shouldn’t assume that I can enter without an invitation, not after I had left in the way that I did.

It’s a dilemma. I don’t want to knock. Don’t want to call attention from the rest of the house, I just want to see her. I need to see her.

I take a slow walk around the perimeter, pondering more on Angel’s words, wondering at a way that I can make her see that the slayer side of things has got nothing to do with anything that I feel for her. Not really. Not at the base of things. Sure it always gave me a buzz to think of us as the chosen two, the special two, but that was more when things were fucked up, taking my pleasure in knowing that she was bound to me that way, that no matter how much she hated it, she could never be free of me.

Since being here again though, the slayer stuff means shit. As much as I love it, as much as I crave the feeling of the power coursing through my veins, I crave her happiness so much more. I crave us so much more. The chosen two because we have chosen each other, not because the PTB deigned it that way.

I look up at her window and wonder if she is wrapped up in the Boston checks she had squealed so joyously about in the linen shop. If she’s missing me like I miss her. If she feels the emptiness of the argument in the same way that I do. And I make a decision.

The only way is up. Her window is easy to climb to.

My feet hit the same grooves that they have hit a thousand times before, my body remembering the way to go, my hands moving without thinking. It takes seconds, barely seconds, and then I am there. Here. Not sure if I should tap, if I should pound, if I should just throw myself through the glass and pray for a happy landing.

The window lifting kinda saves me from making a choice. Her face appearing as if by magic, her brow all furrowed, her skin all aglow with a thin sheen of sweat.

“Faith?”

“In the flesh girlfriend, you gonna let me in?”

I see the confusion at my words, probably wondering what caused the upbeat tempo, if she’s dreaming. Maybe hallucinating.

“What are you… why are you..?”

And she’s getting philosophical.

“Carbon based life form, as for why am I? You’re guess is as good as mine.”

Her mouth moving into a smile, even if her eyes aren’t following. No. Her eyes are locking tight into mine.

“Funny girl. What are you doing here?”

This would be so much fucking easier if she would let me into the room, rather than making me balance precariously on the discomfort of her window ledge.

“Can I come in first, explanations after?”

She lifts the window higher, takes a step back to let me pass. Not sure what to do when I get to the floor, whether it’s ok to take her in my arms, whether I should speak first and make with the comfort later. I let my eyes slip back to hers, try and put every feeling, every connection, into the strength of my gaze.

“I love you Buffy.”

Still the most important words I have ever spoken.

“That’s why you’re here?”

She looks a little confused, a little misplaced, maybe perhaps still wondering at the hallucination side of things. And I guess that it is a little strange after the way we had left things.

“Is there a better reason?”

“No… but, with the fighting, and the me, and the mouth, and the saying of things that shouldn’t have been said…”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s okay?”

“Sure it is.”

“Sure it is?”

I know that I’m smiling, I know that I’m shaking my head. I also know that I could explain it so much better, but I like this, I like her little confused face. Scratch that. I love her little confused face.

“Are you gonna repeat everything I say B, cos if that’s the plan, I’m gonna be hitting some pretty far out phrases.”

“Am I dreaming? Did I wake up somewhere other than the real world?”

See? I knew she figured on the hallucinating.

“What makes you think that?”

“You. Here. A definite absence of shouting, not a sign of pissed or angry.” She moves just a step closer to me, creeping almost, scared to break the vision. “That’s it isn’t it? I fell asleep whilst doing the push ups, and now I’m living the dream.”

“Push ups? It’s four in the morning, you always do your work outs at four in the morning?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

I hear all of the unspoken words behind her small admission. Know all of the reasons that she couldn’t find rest.

“I’m sorry B.”

“‘You’re’ sorry? Okay, forget the dream, now I know I’m in some parallel universe where it was you who spent the night acting like a class A dope.”

“Nope, we’re right here, right where we’re supposed to be.”

“Then you have no reason to be apologising to me, I know how stupid I was, I know how wrong it was of me to say what I said… but you have to believe me Faith, I never meant it, I didn’t think it. I didn’t think period.”

Now it’s me that’s moving a step closer, my hand raising to tuck a stray hair behind her ear, sliding slowly back down across her jaw. “I believe you.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do, I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you earlier, that I left you…”

“No, you were right, Kennedy needed somewhere to sleep, and down in the basement with Andrew is definitely not the place.” Her hand reaches up and takes mine, brings it down from her jaw to rest softly in hers. “Although, maybe if we were lucky she might have finished him off. It’d certainly save the worry about what we’re going to do with him.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you worry too much?”

She laughs a little at that, nods her head in agreement. “A few people, maybe, but it’s kind of what I do. It comes with the job I guess.”

Ah. The job.

“Can we sit down?”

I motion towards the bed, can’t help but smile as I notice my pillow laying across her space, certain in the knowledge that she had been trying to hold me close.

“We can sit.”

I let her lead the way, her hand still in mine, pulling me over to her side, moving my pillow to make the room to rest. And it feels fucking strange sitting here now, not mattering that I have been here so many nights previous, just mattering that I’m not quite sure of the words to say, not finding any of the surety that Angel had found when he had spoken his wisdom to me.

“Look B… I uh, I wanted to explain something to you.”

“If it’s anything to do with Andrew’s space time thingy, then I really don’t need to know.”

“Now who’s being funny?”

“You thought that was funny? I was being dead serious.”

I shake my head silently, pretend to sigh at one of the things I love the most about her. This ability to always find a funny. “No B, I’m the one being serious, just for a minute, okay?”

She doesn’t answer, she just smiles, lets me continue.

“About all this slayer stuff, this connection stuff… I think that I get where you were coming from now. I get the ‘this’ thing, and I get why you’ve been acting so…”

“Strange?”

“Cautious.”

“Oh, yeah, the caution.”

“I spoke to Angel, and he was saying…” Trying to remember, to make it make sense. “…look, with me right, the slaying thing, I love it… I mean I fucking love it, it’s awesome B, so fucking cool. When it’s me out there, and I’m facing down some scum of the earth demon, it’s the biggest rush ever…”

“Okay, I’m getting you love the slaying.” She rolls her eyes at me. “But then I kinda already knew that, you’ve always loved the calling.”

“Exactly!”

“And ‘okay’ again.”

“No, that’s not the point, the point is you don’t like the slaying so much, you’re all burdened down by it, seeing the negatives…”

“There are lots of negatives.”

“And then I come along with this whole burden sharing connection, and you end up thinking that the shared slaying is what the connection is all about.”

I can see her trying to understand my words, to work out what it is that they are supposed to be explaining.

“The slayer connection is what brought us together Faith, not just sharing a burden, but understanding the isolation… understanding how it feels to be different, to be alone.”

“But you’re wrong.”

“I am?”

“Yeah, you really are. I didn’t get it till Angel explained it to me, but you’re looking at it all wrong. How you see slaying isn’t how I see slaying, to me, this whole thing that we have, the ‘this’ that we have… it’s fuck all to do with the PTB and their rules of destiny.”

“But it began with the slayer bond…”

“No it didn’t, not really, it began the moment I laid eyes on you, the first time I saw your smile, the first time I heard you laugh. I’m not gonna lie to ya B, I’m not gonna say that watching you fight didn’t used to get me all sorts of worked up and horny… but it’s not the reason I fell in love with you, and it’s not the reason that you fell in love with me.”

She’s smiling again now. Making me fall in love again.

“I understand why you felt threatened by Kennedy, that you thought she could replace you, that I would feel for her what I feel for you, but I could never do that, not even close.”

“But the buzz…”

“Yeah I know, I was buzzing, I was so damn excited to meet another slayer, but not for the same reasons that you were scared of meeting her. It’s different B, we’re different. Slaying’s a job to me and meeting Ken, well it’s like meeting a new work mate, I might fucking love it, but it’s still just a job.”

Her sigh lifts up between her lips, breaking the smile. “I wish that I could feel that way, that slaying was something other than who I am…”

“You can feel like that, I’ll teach you, we’ll do it together. It’s like I always said, you gotta find the fun.”

“Right. Fun times.”

“Damn right fun times!” I knock her with my shoulder, urge her to curve her lips up again. “And don’t ever forget girlfriend, there ain’t never gonna be a buzz for me like the Buffy buzz. It’s nothing to do with slaying, it’s everything to do with you.”

She nods her head slowly, accepting my words. “And there’s no buzz for me like the Faith buzz.”

“We can buzz together.”

I give her the eyebrows, give her the grin, prepared to give her anything at all that she ever needs.

“I am sorry I was an idiot Faith, my mouth just disengages sometimes, you do know I never meant it, right?”

And she just needs my comfort.

I slide my arm around her and bring her close into me, kiss the top of her head. “Of course I know, I got pissed too quick, that happens sometimes too. Mark it down as one of those bad habits.”

“I like your good habits much better.”

“You do? I have good habits?”

“You have heaps of them, heaps on heaps.”

She turns her face up to me now, making me fall inside of her eyes, her lips hovering so close to mine, so tempting to kiss. “Would kissing you be a good habit?”

“It’d be a damn good start.”

And so I do. Or she does. I don’t know who moves that last breadth of distance to bring our lips close until they’re touching, but I do know that it feels fucking fantastic. Her hands sliding up into my hair, her tongue tasting sweet in my mouth. And it would be so easy to get carried away, to lose sight of everything else. But I can’t, I mustn’t. Not yet.

She sighs as I pull away, leans forward again to place a final kiss against my lips.

“You have to go right?”

“Yeah, I do… I’m sorry, but I have to get back there.”

Her shoulders slump, but she doesn’t not smile at me. “I get that, it kinda sucks, I don’t want you to go, but I get it. You should be there for her. God knows someone should be.”

I want to be here for her. I hate leaving.

“Hey B, why don’t you come with?”

“Me? Now?”

“Yes you, and of course now… why not? Maybe we can get to the bottom of things, slayers to slayer, Angel’s there and Cordy, but the girl might freak if she figures that Angel is all vamped up.”

“But what about the others?”

“Leave them a note, they’ll be fine.”

She looks as if she is considering it, weighing it up in her head. So I go in for the kill, let myself be the one to slide hands into hair, to pull her close to me as I claim her in a kiss, all hot, all tongues, all a promise of what’s to come.

“Please B, for me?”

And I have her.

“Okay, I’ll just throw some clothes on, give me a minute?”

I’d give her my life.

“Sure thing girlfriend, I’ll just watch the show.”

And I do. The hardest thing in the world to restrain myself as she peels off her sleep clothes and replaces them with her day clothes. Just revelling in the buzz that is all about her, and nothing at all to do with anything, or anyone else. My Buffy buzz.

Chapter 38.

POV Faith.

By the time we had arrived back at mine, the sun was already shifting it’s way up to the sky, the last of the stars twinkling out, the last of the beasties put to bed. It made it a more enjoyable walk, no need to be checking our backs for signs of anything dumb enough to wanna be sampling a taste, just an easy stroll through town until we arrived at my door. Standing as a team again, the momentary fuck up, in our long list of fuck ups, had been put to rest, and Buffy’s hand sat as comfortably in my hand as it ever had done. Her thumb stroking gently against my palm whilst I stood and looked for my key.

It was nice. It was the kind of moment that ya just wanna step back and take a breath on. Complete calm, complete silence. No words needed to be filling a void, because there wasn’t a void, it was just easy. I think I’d ended up doing a good impression of a goofy sized grin, because when I’d turned to her with key in hand, she was pulling a fairly big goofy sized grin of her own.

“Whatcha smiling for?”

Knowing that it was for me, a return for my smile, but still having to ask. Wanting to ask. Passing the moment of perfect silence, and ready again for the thrill of swapping words with her.

“You were smiling, it’s all contagious.”

“I like it.” I paused before I turned back to the door, lent forwards to drop a sweet little kiss to her lips, inviting her smile to stay. “What do ya say we try and get through the whole day without losing any of the smiles?”

“I’m game if you are, I could handle some of the trouble free.”

Her voice had sounded airy and light, caressing my ears, making them happy. I knew that we weren’t directly talking about us, that we were striving for ‘trouble free’ on a much more general scale, but it did relate directly to us too. Like there was some kind of curse that meant we couldn’t get through a few hours at a time until we needed to get down with the serious and have a soul searching deep and meaningful. I wasn’t complaining, I may be the last in the queue for the caring and sharing foundation, but the intimacy I was finding in opening up with B, was unlike anything I have ever felt before. At the same time though, I wanted a break from it as well. From the exhaustion of needing reassurances, or of offering reassurances. Just a few hours where the smiles stayed put all by themselves.

I had known at that exact moment when I was thinking it, that it was like some kind of fucked up unattainable dream. That even if me and B could keep our ever ready emotions under check, then something else would be waiting in the wings to mess up an otherwise beautiful day. Today was a beautiful day. The sun rising just as I said it had, the walk refreshing, the company perfect. But then there was a story waiting in the wings to be told. A story that would anger me like no other, would have every dark emotion wanting to rise up and scream out in fury. It was a bad story for B too. I guess you could say it was a bad story for slayers all round, a fucked up story.

The girl had had a damn good reason to run.

“You’re back, I didn’t expect you back so soon.”

“I was scared she’d wake up, I wanted to be here for it…” I stepped through the door, B following close behind. “…has she woken up?”

Angel shook his head as he answered, “Not stirred once. Cordy’s in the shower, do you want coffee?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Buffy?”

“Sure, why not? Nothing tops a sleepless night like endless cups of coffee. Make mine a large.”

He’d set off for the cupboard, and we’d set ourselves around the table. It was a strange threesome that we made, each of us bound securely together in one way or another, but yet there had never been a point in time where we had bonded together as a group. The only history we shared communally, being my maddened months of disordered personality. It kinda made it awkward where it shouldn’t be, no safe history to make small talk with, no moments to laugh at and say, remember when? I know I wasn’t the only one glad when Cordy had made her appearance, freshly dressed and looking as though she’d just stepped from the beauty salon.

“We’re all up bright and early today, did I miss something? Are the sales on?”

“I thought the sales were for the common folk Cor, you slipping on your status?”

I’d winked in reply to her sassy grin, followed her form over to the coffee machine, and chalked one up to me. It wasn’t often that she didn’t slice me in two with a quick comeback and it was hard not to be pleased with my momentary victory. After all, I may be the one packing the serious strength, but when it came to the verbal sparring, more often than not, it was her who wore the slayer crown.

“So why ‘are’ we all up so early, it’s not another apocalypse is it, because I’m booked in for a manicure at ten, and there’s no way that my nails are missing their appointment.”

“Cool it princess, no end of the world stuff, just slayer stuff.” She sipped at her mug and took a seat amongst us, in between me and Angel, her eyebrows raising on my comment.

“Slayer stuff?”

“Uh-huh. We found her Cordy, we found Kennedy.”

“Oh, you did? Is she…”

She flapped her hands about her head in a vague gesture of crazy.

“Is she… a fan of the ‘vogue’?”

“You know what I mean, is she crazy?”

I’d let my eyes fall on B, conferred with her in silence on how we were classifying our new girl. Was she crazy? Crazily scared.

“We haven’t spoken to her yet, but I’m betting on ‘no’, I don’t think so.”

“I’m not crazy.”

Her flat tones had called all of our attention over to the doorway. She was stood there before us, managing to look both tall and small at the same time, her posture daring us to argue with her words, yet the look in her eyes not hard enough to threaten anything at all. Still looking wary, her gaze flitting fast over everyone at the table.

“Ken, you’re awake.”

“Yeah, and you’re so obviously observant.”

“Oh wow, it’s a brat with super powers…” Cordy had been quick to introduce herself, ever the charmer. “…did they let you out of kindergarten specially?”

Maybe without the charm.

It had been quite funny to watch Kennedy’s face at the words though, the way her mouth had done the rapid open, shut manoeuvre. Her eyes flitting even more rapidly between us as she wondered at who this was.

“Kennedy, meet Cordy. If I was you, I wouldn’t mess with her, just smile graciously and admit defeat… it’s easier in the long run. Less painful.”

“Who is she?”

“Did you not hear? I’m Cordy, pleased to meet you. Want coffee?”

“I mean ‘what’ are you? Are you council?”

I was getting the impression that the council really weren’t very high on her list of friends, maybe somewhere close to the bottom, maybe lower. The question had brought laughter to Cordy though, made all of us chuckle a little at the absurdity of her inquiry.

“Believe me no, I am not, and never shall be a member of the council. I think you have to be British anyway, it’s like a rule or something. Giles would know.”

“You don’t have to be British.” She’d walked a little further into the room with her words, perhaps tempted by the coffee, her eyes fixing on the mugs on the table. “There’s lots of non British ones. They’re everywhere. Like vermin.”

“Right… about that coffee?”

“Sure. Coffee, three sugars.”

“Faith, would you mind?”

I’d known that she wasn’t offering to make the coffee, just asking and delegating. The Cordelia method of everything. It was impressive. And it worked. I’d gotten up and made a pot, brought the lot to the table along with fresh mugs. Somehow I’d had the feeling that we would be needing top ups, and I didn’t want to be moving every minute, playing housemaid.

Kennedy had still seemed unsure about whether to join us, edging closer but not happy to be taking a seat. In the end settling for grabbing her mug and going back to the doorframe, resting herself up against the wall. Keeping her distance.

“Ken, come on, you can chill with us, we want to help you…”

Again she had seemed so small. As if the only thing that she could ever want in this world, was for somebody to help her. Her mouth going to speak, and then catching herself, bringing her lips up to the mug and gulping furiously instead. I didn’t know what else to say, how else to try and calm her.

“Maybe if you told us what happened… we could…”

“When are the council coming?”

Cutting me off. And I didn’t have an answer. I knew that they were coming, but I hadn’t been paying attention to the specifics. I planned on being well under the radar by the time that they showed up, not one single part of me wanting to swap stares with those twisted fuckers. I had turned to Buffy, repeated the question with my eyes.

“I’m not sure. Giles said end of the week, today’s Thursday. Whenever it is, it’s bound to be soon…”

“I have to go.”

Her words had brought about a flurry of activity, four voices insisting that she had to stay, that we could help her, if only she would tell us what it was, what was wrong. And her voice insisting that she really had to go, couldn’t be here when they got here, they wouldn’t get their hands on her again. I was half tempted to clock her one, just to get the time to try and make her listen, my fists clenching at my sides the longer that she shook her head on all of our pleas.

“You can’t keep running forever Kennedy…”

Until finally Angel broke through. I should have guessed that it would be his calm and measured tones that finally managed to bring her eyes to a crashing stand still, centring on him as he spoke the truth.

“…whatever it is, no matter where you go, you won’t ever outrun it. We can help you to face it. We’re here for you now.”

It was the company line, but it was more than that. All of us nodding along to the solemn promise within his words. And it did make her stop and listen, yet it still didn’t make her accept what he was saying, her own words guarded with caution as she pierced him with her gaze.

“How do I know I can trust you?”

Such a simple question, and one that he couldn’t answer.

“The same way that we know we can trust you…” I had never in a million years expected Buffy to be the one that offered the ultimate olive branch out to Ken, but it had been her. Calling on the connection that she had spent the last few days trying so hard to deny. “…you’re one of us now Kennedy, surely you can feel it… the silent hum?”

She nodded her head slowly. Unsurely.

“That’s the bond, that’s our bond. The slayer bond. You can trust in it.”

I had wanted to jump B just a little right then, smother her body in kisses. But as it was, we just made room at the table as Kennedy made her tentative way forwards, still not looking comfortable, but at least she was taking the chance. The scraping of her chair against the tiled floor, drawing all of our eyes to her, making me release the long breath that I had been holding.

“So what’s the deal then slay girl? Why the big beef with the council?”

I’d just tossed it out, eager to know, to hear what the badness was. Nothing preparing me for her answer, for the pain that flashed so raw across her eyes, scarring her face. Her gaze dropping to the table, her fingers fussing about her nails. Torn nails.

“I was only eight when they came for me.”

“What..? Came for you? Who?”

“The mighty council. I was just turned eight, I lived with my family in Mexico, four sisters, three brothers… we had no idea who they were, what they were. They just rolled up one day outside of our home in their big flashy cars, nice cut suits. They spoke to my father… they told him that they could offer me so much more for life, that they could provide me with opportunity, that they could make me someone…” She still hadn’t raised her eyes back up, but right then, in that moment, she did, maybe trying to force home exactly what it was that she was about to say. “…and then they bought me. They paid my father for me with their shiny English pounds.”

“You are fucking kidding me!?”

“They BOUGHT you? Is that even legal?”

Me and Cordy had taken care of the shocked surprise, whilst B and Angel sat back silently shaking their heads. As for Kennedy, her head was only nodding, her eyes sad, confirming the first part in her fucked up twisted tale.

“It wasn’t so bad at first, I didn’t know why they wanted me, and the lifestyle was certainly different than what I was used to at home. I missed my family so bad, I didn’t understand why they had sent me away, I didn’t understand the value of money to a poor peasant family. I just tried to treat it like it was an adventure, They were kind to me, I got to mess around with all the weapons and shit…”

“I don’t understand though…” B had lent right forwards onto the table, pinning Kennedy down with her eyes. “…what on earth did the council want with an eight year old girl? Why would they… ‘buy’ you, it doesn’t make sense.”

“Tell me about it. I didn’t find out myself for years. They just told me that I was special, that I was to be a warrior, I would work with them to stem the bad…”

“When you were eight?”

“Right. When I was eight.”

I had known where Buffy’s confusion lay, mine was pretty much sitting in the same place, wondering how the fuck the council could have known what she was… how they could predict what she was going to be. It brought silence for a moment, bewildered glances being exchanged across the table top.

I’d had to ask, to query. “But how the fuck did they know? I don’t get…”

“Shaman.”

“Sha-who?”

“They had shaman, I don’t know… like wizards or something, they were trying to find all of the girls… they called them, they called ‘us’, the potentials…”

It was going from bad to worse. My already fuzzy head getting fuzzier by the minute. I listened to her reel off a list of names, a list of girls, others like her.

“So you’re telling me that not only did they nip into Mexico and pick up some tacos with a side order of eight year old, but they’ve been pulling that crap all over the world, unchecked, and for years?”

Her head was nodding again, confirming again. “What, you don’t believe me?”

How the fuck did I know?

I was saved from answering by the soft tones of Angel. Sitting back and just listening, finally forming a question. A valid question, one which hadn’t surfaced for me yet. I was still stuck on the disbelief of the council ripping girls from their homes, from their families.

“But what about Buffy and Faith, if the council really were doing this… then why not them, surely they were ’potentials’ too?”

And she’d answered him with a laugh. Seriously. The first time I had heard the sound from her mouth, and not at all when I’d been expecting it. Bringing about more uncertainty, maybe making me question her sanity after all.

“Well that was the beauty of it really. All those idiots in tweed, trying so hard to isolate the slayer line, and they just couldn’t get a fix on it… not a trace. They had their gang of potentials, but every time a new slayer was called, it was never one of us, it was never one of theirs…”

“Isolate the slayer line? What the fuck does that mean?”

I was fading fast. Nothing was making sense to me. My words had come out gruffer than I had intended, my confusion making me lose calm. And it had made her lose the laughter, lose the smiles. She had cast her eyes to me and then to Buffy, so slow, so cautious, her hands starting to fidget again on the table in front of her, the words no longer falling so freely from her lips.

“They wanted to stop the mistakes. They wanted to take back control.”

“Mistakes? What mistakes?”

Cordy asked, but I could’ve guess. I looked up at B and saw that she could guess too, imagining that we were just the kind of things that she was referring to, the mistakes that were missed. The look that Kennedy offered to us, had only confirmed it for me, the shady glance, the tapping toes.

“Don’t sweat it Ken, just spit it out. Me and B can take it, we’re big girls now.”

“Right. For years apparently they had been losing the power that they held over the slayers… maybe it was changing times, female empowerment, I don’t know. But whatever it was they didn’t like it. That’s why they started rounding up us girls, they wanted to get them young, make it so that they owned them, controlled them. I guess they figured that when one of us was called, it would be easy to take charge…” I had seen her eyebrows raise, recognised what she thought about being controlled.

“…and it only got worse as the years went on. I met girls older than me, girls that were tossed aside once they got too old to be called, times when we would sit and just fucking pray for the slayer to be killed so that one of us might get the call and make it better for everyone else… but it never happened.”

She looked up at Buffy then. Offered a shy smile, a timid smile.

“You know, I remember when you were called, I was only eleven, still too young myself… but I remember their anger. They were so damn enraged, all of their plans going wrong again…”

“They were… angry?”

“Yeah, you weren’t one of us, they hadn’t known about you…”

“But they were angry?”

I could see B getting angry herself. My eyes expecting to see the steam from the ears at any moment, watching her mentally count every single time that she had given something up to answer the calling. I reached my hand across the table to lay across hers, to calm her, because her anger was nothing compared to what I was growing deep inside, and I wanted to hear the rest… I wanted to hear it all.

“They got angrier. When you died and another was called and it still wasn’t one of us, then they were really pissed, they changed the regime. No more fancy smancy houses by the ocean for us… it was off to England, all of us kept together, training 24/7, no respite. They thought that we weren’t good enough, that we weren’t training hard enough, that it was our fault that we weren’t being picked, chosen.”

“But surely even the British aren’t dumb enough to forget that it’s the Powers That Be that determine selection?”

She looked at Cordy and shrugged her shoulders, silently insisting that maybe the British were just dumb. I wasn’t gonna argue.

“I don’t know what happened when you were called…” Her eyes meeting mine. “…but it made them even madder still. We heard the tales of ‘slayer gone bad’, then we heard that the original had turned her back on the council… it wasn’t fun times. A few of us had banded together to try and break free… we were tough, not slayer tough, and we were mostly still young, but we could sure hold our own…”

“What happened?”

“They locked us in a house full of demons and showed us again who was in charge. Seven of us made it out. We didn’t run again.”

“Holy fuck!” I know that my head had been shaking, I know that I wanted to hit something. “They locked you in a house full of demons?”

Her gaze had slunk back to the table, no more meeting eyes. Perhaps consumed by the horror that she had witnessed, still consumed by the fear of her memories. It was Buffy who had spoken up then, who had added her own example of houses with demons in;

“It happens Faith, believe me it happens. Did I ever fill you in on my eighteenth birthday bash?”

I had tried to remember. I remembered skipping from town when the day was fast approaching, not wanting to be here and overlooked again, not wanting to be reminded how much a part of her life that I wasn’t. But as for what I had missed, that was lot more sketchy, needing her to remind me again of how the council celebrates the coming of age of a slayer.

All of it was bullshit. All of it had me feeling so sick.

“They dismissed the shaman then, stepped up our training even more… there was a new force that they were using, something dark, something tainted. They took our blood and said that mistakes wouldn’t be happening anymore…” She looked directly at me again. “…they had plans to kill you.”

“Tried it twice, I didn’t much care for it.”

“No, not then… after. Last year. I remember hearing when you got out, it sent waves through the prison that we lived in. They called it a house, a home, but really it was a prison. I don’t know who started it, but your name was beginning to be whispered amongst us potentials that were left. You were everything that the council hated, and so you became everything that we worshipped. We weren’t praying for the slayer to die anymore, we were praying for the slayer to come… to free us all… to take down the council.”

“But I didn’t know…”

“Neither did we. We didn’t believe it either, but we had to believe in something.”

I was so fucking confused. Finding out I was some kind of damn folk hero to a bunch of girls that I didn’t even know existed. Finding out that I’d been earmarked for extermination yet again. Finding out that the council weren’t just full of shit, they were down right fucking evil.

“What happened then Kennedy? Obviously you have been called as the slayer…” Angel’s voice was still calm, no sign of the rage burning in his heart, that was burning so bright in mine. “…was it pure chance?”

“No. Not even close.”

“It wasn’t? Then how…”

“Magic, dirty twisted dark magic. They wanted the power so fucking bad, that they sold all of our souls down the river to get it. I told you they took our blood, right?”

We nodded our assent.

“Well they used our blood, got some fucking ugly warlock to do some weird spell, and then they made us drink it again…”

“They made you drink blood?”

Cordy raised her eyebrows at Kennedy’s ‘yes’. Tinkled out a shaky little laugh.

“Well that’s all kinds of ironic right? You guys are meant to stop the blood suckers, not jump on the gravy train.”

“You think that we wanted to! You think I wanted to drink it?!”

“Hey, calm down pint sized, I’m just saying…”

“Yeah Cor, ironic. Try more like fucking sick, fucking twisted…”

Luckily my choice of words had calmed our newest slayer back down. Enough for her to tell the rest of the tale. To give the ending to what was the craziest freaking story I’d truly ever heard. I mean, Jesus, I thought my own tale was fucked up… but this girl had that beat by miles. Millions of fucking miles.

“It was so surreal when it finally happened, it didn’t feel right… I swear my body tried to reject the power, like it wasn’t meant to be me. I was throwing up, shaking… but they were all just laughing, so damn jovial, congratulating each other on what a fine and dandy job they had done. I guess the spell worked, whatever they put in my blood, it made me a slayer. It gave me the power.”

“What about the others?”

“They got sick too, only they didn’t get the power surge to fight it off…”

“You mean…”

Her eyes were as hard as steel when they raised to meet mine. Something that I could recognise, so many defences. Everything that hurt, held back by something solid. Something to cling to.

“Yes, all of them, all of us… the folklore slayer was dead, and now they were gone too. I would have saved them, I would of freed them…”

“Hey, it’s alright, it’s not your fault.”

Buffy was closest to her, and so it was her hand that had reached out and tried to comfort, drawing back when Kennedy jumped, when she turned her hardened eyes and broken tones her way.

“I know it’s not my fault, it’s their fault. They killed them.”

I wanted to rewind time, to take it back to a place where I hadn’t heard this story, where I didn’t know this anger. Me and B had spent the last few hours locked in arguments over this connection, what the connection meant, and now it turned out that it meant a whole lot fucking more than even I had bargained on. I’d never considered myself before the power, never thought that I was already earmarked, already set up as a ‘potential’, but now knowing that there were these girls out there, all lined up in a pretty little row, just waiting for the council to come and pluck them from their lives… man I was pissed. I was so fucking pissed.

I could feel the edges of the table digging into my palms, could feel the fire in my belly growing fiercer by the second. For so long I had feared the council, the almighty fucking power that had deigned me to be worthless, had wanted to eradicate me… but all that I could feel then was the deepest desire to eradicate them. To take what they were, all that they stood for, and destroy it. We were the slayers for fucks sake, this was our god damned legacy, our calling, and maybe we didn’t always handle it so well, didn’t always make the best decisions, but Jesus… what they had done was unforgivable. Inhuman.

The waves which had been flooding my way from Buffy spoke of the same, her anger as palpable to me as my own, the hard set of her eyes not able to keep contact.

“I need to see Giles.”

Yeah. I’d forgotten about him.

“You think he knew B? You think that…”

“I hope not. For his sake, I really hope not.”

“Buffy wait…” Angel was still calm, still so fucking measured, calling her back from rising, making her sit again. “…think it through, you really believe that Giles would’ve known about this?”

“He’s a watcher, Angel. He has to know something.”

“He wouldn’t know this and not say something, he’s a good man.”

“If he’s council, then there’s no such thing… we all had watchers, men designated to care for us, to train us… you think that they cared what happened to us? You think that any of them stood up for us?”

We knew that the answer was no. Her story had already proven that.

“Can I just ask, what happened, after… with you here, what happened?”

The way that she looked as she’d turned towards Cordy was god damn scary, flashing something that if I hadn’t of known the details, I might have called rogue. I would have called dangerous.

“I killed as many as I could and I ran. They came after me, I killed more… I’ve been running for weeks. Now I’m here.”

“But why here?”

“Buffy Ann Summers.” She turned her frightful look towards my girl then. “I had to know if you were one of them, I thought that the other slayer was dead… I had to know if I was alone. If I was fighting alone.”

“You’re not alone Kennedy. We’re fighting this one together.”

That time she didn’t flinch at Buffy’s touch. She smiled. Kind of. Her head nodding, her gaze raising to meet mine as I spoke out my words.

“I’m not dead, by the way.”

“I get that now, but with the power… I assumed that you were. I didn’t expect to find you both here, I didn’t understand what it meant, it’s why, with the hiding…”

“It means we have this real uncanny knack of not staying dead. It also means you’ve got two kick ass slayers on your side now. The council won’t touch you again, you have my word on it.”

And she smiled again. Kind of.

As for what we were actually going to do, that was a little more shaky. No ones words filling a void that wasn’t comfortable. Just sitting and stewing, stoking the flames of fury as we went over in our heads, all that had been told to our ears.

“I’m going home, I have to see Giles…”

“Buffy.”

“No Angel, you can say what you want, but I need to see him, I need to know… and even if he doesn’t know, then he sure as hell needs to. God, we have the council due any day now, I can’t…”

“It’s cool B. I’ll come with, Kennedy too… I think they all need to hear what the score is, what the council stands for…”

“Damn it!”

Cordy’s violent shout had stopped me in my tracks, demanding that all of our attention be turned her way.

“I just knew I wasn’t gonna make the darn manicure, ‘don’t worry, it’s not big stuff, just slayer stuff…’, ha frickin ha!”

“Sorry Cor, it’s not like I knew.”

“Uh-huh, whatever. Yet again the slayers are the centre of the universe, I’m used to it.”

She smiled to match her jokey tones, her unmanicured fingers reaching out to the coffee pot, and then pulling away again as she realised that it was cold. No one remembering to fill their cups amongst the story telling of the last hour.

“I vote that we all head to Buffy’s, call Xander and have him pick up the donuts and coffees on the way. It’ll be just like old times, only newer, and with yet another slayer to add to the mix.”

And it was the way that we all headed, the plan that we made. Buffy made a call home to round up the girls and Giles, making sure that they were up and about and that the council hadn’t rolled into town in our absence. Then she secured the Xander side of things, insisting that he bring refreshments for everyone, smiling as she held the rant filled reply away from her ear. As for me, I was buzzing again. A completely different kind of buzz.

They had hunted me like a fucking dog, coming after me with their guns and their helicopters, letting me know that I was nothing, that I was less than nothing. And all of that time, every single fucking minute that I had spent locked inside of my own prison, killing myself with the knowledge that I hadn’t been good enough, never good enough… they had been this. Damn right it had me buzzing. It was about Buffy too, the way they had treated her, the things that she had told me… and now it had become about Kennedy. The worst fucked up story I had ever heard.

They wanted the power so bad, they wanted our power so bad, and I was damn well ready to give it to them. I could not wait to give it to them.

“I really can’t, I just…” Giles’ glasses were in his hand, his head shaking, his words not as forthcoming as they usually were. “…it’s bloody well.., I don’t…”

“Breathe Giles, I know it’s hard to hear, but it’s the truth.” I was close to telling him to get a grip, dangerously close to shaking him hard. He was a watcher, he was Buffy’s watcher for fucks sake, and a part of me felt that he should have known, he should have done something. “Turns out that your glorious council are really nothing more than low down murderers, it’s quite a reality check, right?”

“I can’t.., are we sure… do we know..?”

“Of course we fucking know!” I threw my hand out to point at Kennedy, the girl cowering on the sofa. “Didn’t you hear what she said, didn’t you listen?”

“Faith, calm down…”

“Don’t tell me calm Angel, don’t damn well tell me to be calm!” he stood up and faced me, his bulk not intimidating me, but the look in his eyes quieting my rage. “How do you expect me to be calm..?”

“We’re all angry, but losing your cool isn’t going to help anyone, we need to think this through…”

Giles’ head was still shaking. “I still can’t believe it.”

“Well you had better start.” Buffy stood before him in the same way that Angel had stood before me, her bulk never enough to intimidate, but her power speaking volumes. She’d accused him earlier, when we had first walked through the door, speaking even before Kennedy had had the chance to divulge her tale again, fast fired questions attacking his easy demeanour, demanding that he didn’t know… pleading that he didn’t know.

“Buffy…”

“No Giles. No reasoning, no placation. You’ve heard it all, you know it all… either you’re with us, or you’re with them, there’s no in between anymore.” I made my way over to stand at her side, going round Angel, taking my place. “You either believe it or you don’t, you’re with us or you’re not?”

My breath caught in my throat as his eyes clouded behind his newly replaced glasses, as his gaze fell upon her and then on me, his head turning to travel to Kennedy, weighing up her words again. I could only imagine what was going through his mind, the horror of it all, the betrayal.

The sigh that left his lips as his decision was made, was nothing less than heartfelt… maybe all of his own years of service reduced to mean nothing more than the blowing out of breath from tired lips. “You know that you don’t have to ask Buffy, I will always stand by your side, no matter if it is against the council, against anyone.” he stepped forwards to offer his arms to her, to offer himself to her. “Whatever you want to do, I am behind you one hundred percent.”

I watched as she folded herself into his embrace, the smile that lit her features. “Thank you, it means a lot to hear it.”

It was a nice moment, but it couldn’t last. “I still don’t get how the fuck this was going on, and no one knew a damn thing about it, you didn’t know, Wes didn’t know, someone had to know!”

His shoulders shrugged at me as he pulled himself back from Buffy, “I certainly never heard anything more than a whisper. Back before I was assigned as Buffy’s watcher, there was some idle talk of tracking down…” He glanced at Kennedy on the sofa, “…potentials?”

“Yeah, that’s right, potentials.”

Her return glance wasn’t kind.

“But I have always assumed it was a fruitless expedition. They wanted to begin the training younger to make the slayers more proficient…”

“That’s crap!” Giles’ words had Kennedy rising fast from the sofa. “They wanted to control the slayers! They didn’t care a bit about proficiency as long as it was them that was holding the reins.”

“Well I don’t know about that,” His glasses were in his hands again, fumbling again. “I never heard it mentioned in the capacity of controlling…”

She was in his face before he knew it, her power towering above him. “You think they took me from my home at EIGHT YEARS OLD to make me more proficient?!”

“I don’t…” I watched him cower back, and I watched Buffy step between them. I could have stepped between them myself, but to me she had a point. How dare he try and trivialise what had happened to her?

“I say we all calm down. Kennedy, I understand you’re upset, and I told you that you weren’t alone in that, but I won’t tolerate a shouting match with my friend,” She gestured behind her to Giles as she kept her eyes firm on Kennedy. “Giles may be a watcher, he may be with the council, but he is my friend, first and foremost he is one of us.”

It diffused the situation for that moment, our newest ‘chosen one’ sneering out her disapproval and returning to the sofa. Still fizzing, still agitated, but prepared to listen to B, to accept her word.

“Tell us everything you know Giles, anything that you know?”

“That’s just it Buffy, I truly don’t know anything. Whatever it was that they were doing or hoping to achieve, I haven’t heard word of it in years. That’s why this is all so hard to take in…”

“You wanna try living it asshole.”

“Kennedy!”

Then I did take my turn to be firm. Happy to give her some leeway, but not happy to hear insults. Giles had said he didn’t know, and for Buffy that was enough. Kennedy would have to accept it as enough for her as well. As would I.

Her eyes were burning as they held mine, eventually dropping, her posture changing, “I’m sorry, I’ll be… good.”

“I ain’t saying you have to be good, I’m just saying the mouth, watch it.” I smiled when she peeped back up. “Save the fire for the scum that deserve it, everyone in this room is an ally, not an asshole.”

I tried to ignore Andrew sitting in the corner. He was an asshole.

“Do we know anything about the spell that they used?”

“Dunno Red, Ken?”

“You think they explained it to us?” She was shaking her head as she replied. “We were just the end result, they didn’t give specifics.”

“It would have to be pretty powerful magic, maybe tapping into the source…” I watched as Willow and Tara conferred amongst themselves, as good as speaking a foreign language. “We could probably do it I think, a locater spell with a twist.”

“When you say source, are you talking freaky chick in the desert source, cos last time we did that, there were all sorts of consequences.”

“No Xander, no freaky chicks.” I watched as Willow turned her eyes from him, to Kennedy. A small smile settling on her impish little face, maybe some mischief glowing in her eyes. “I think I could do it by tapping into Kennedy, she’s the source.”

Her words had brought about a silent tension in the enclosed space of the room, not bad tension, not the kind that spells danger, but the kind that crackles. A tension that had Kennedy walking her way to stand in front of Willow, had the fear slipping from her eyes to be replaced with something else. Something electric.

“You wanna ‘tap into’ me?”

“I uh… I meant, when I said… ‘tap’, I um… I meant magic.”

“I bet you did.”

It was all there. In her posture, in her tone, the self assured slant of her hips. There was no doubting what our new girl was; a hot chick with super powers. A damn hot chick with super powers.

“I was so right!” Anya’s gleeful shout cut a swathe through the silence that had accompanied Kennedy’s pose, “I knew it, I told you Xander, I knew it!”

“You knew what honey?”

“Them, the slayers, all of them… their gay!”

That’s right. Anya had sliced the tension to re-embark upon her all slayers are gay theory. No matter that I was waiting to see just how flushed Willow’s cheeks could get, whether Tara would speak up and stake her claims, whether Kennedy was gonna manage to get any hotter in the few seconds that followed. Nope. She just ruined the fun to make her pointless point.

“I thought I saw her looking at me when she came in,” She was still talking, still dissipating tension of the exciting kind. “and now I know. She’s a lesbian, she fancies me.”

“An, maybe…”

“No Xander, it’s quite alright. I’m not about to leave you to go running off and join the lady lover’s club, but I don’t mind her looking. It’s like window shopping…”

“You what?”

Kennedy’s voice came out as high as I had heard it, like a drawn out scream. Her posture dropping hot, to bring about cold, her eyes hiding the come hither, to send instead messages of go wither. “You think that I ‘fancy’ you?”

“It’s perfectly understandable, no need to act shy.”

“Believe me, I do NOT have a hankering for anything you’ve got, I like my ladies a little more…”

She flicked her gaze again to Willow, cutting out Tara, cutting out anyone other than the one that her eyes were penetrating. “…magical. A little more sexy.”

Oh wow. She was good.

It was bad.

It was as if Kennedy had Red pinned to the sofa, all with the strength of her stare, forcing her to stay rigid, the colour to settle so fierce upon her cheeks. My own gaze shot to Buffy, to Cordy, to Tara, to everyone… all of their expressions the same. Bewildered, bemused, yet entranced.

In fact the only one not under the spell of the tension was Anya. Her words working again to break a moment that was steadily becoming uncomfortable.

“Willow may be more magic, but I am definitely more sexy. Tell her Xander, tell her!”

“Huh? Yeah…” I had wanted to wipe away his drool. “…sexy.”

“Xander!”

“What?! I agreed, I said sexy!”

“I think that is quite enough now thank you Xander, if we could just get back to the subject matter please?”

“Me? What did I do?”

“Just hush, we still have important things to discuss.”

But Giles had lost me then. I tuned myself out on Willow’s shaky words of magic spells, on Buffy’s impassioned little speech about how we would sever all links with the council forever, for all slayers. My attention was focused in one place, on one girl. Watching as Kennedy kept her eyes trained solo on Red, the depth of her stare, the heat that she was radiating. I swear I almost licked my lips at one point, not able to ignore so much blatant fuck appeal on show right before me. I wouldn’t encourage it, I was already planning my speech to Ken about our resident witchy lovers, but for that moment I allowed myself to observe it. To observe her.

It was as if she had thrown away the desire to be scared, and replaced it with nothing but the desire to acquire, to possess. It was a feeling I remembered well, a feeling that could bring about a whole lot of unwelcome destruction.

I’d shook myself out of my haze as the speaking was winding down to a standstill, catching Tara’s worried eyes as I slinked my gaze around the room. What could I do? I could only wink to reassure her, silently telling myself that I would definitely be reigning our new charge in. It was a shame. Kennedy obviously needed the distraction, her eyes blazing as they had settled on Red, but I would talk to her. Would warn her away from what she couldn’t have.

“Earth to Faith, come in Faith…”

I guess my haze had settled about me again as I’d been considering the talk I would have to have with Ken, not noticing that B was getting eager for my attention.

“What’s up?”

“I’m beat. The others are gonna get on with the researchy style stuff, and I’m gonna grab some shut eye whilst I can. You care to join me?”

Already the witches had begun opening up books and firing up the computer, Xander pulling faces as Giles directed him towards which texts he would like to cross reference, Cordy and Angel doing their best to make themselves useful to the usual suspects.

“What about me, you expect me to hang around and read books, you think I care what magic it was?”

“Ken…”

“No Faith, they used and abused me and now I wanna kick ass, not read fucking mumbo jumbo magic bullshit!”

I had no answer, so I had let Buffy answer. Her hand slipping into mine, her voice steady and secure.

“I don’t like the reading either Kennedy, go down to the basement, get some training in, then maybe when I’m rested I’ll come down and kick your ass.”

“You think you can?”

“Sure I can, now go. Angel will work with you if you need him to, or Giles.” She narrowed her eyes then as she spoke. “No going crazy on my watcher though! I get the deal with the council, I do… but no killing of family friends.”

“Sure thing, I’ll just practice for when ‘his’ friends get here.”

And that was that. I switched off. No more thinking about all that we had learned, all that we now knew about our heritage. About Kennedy, about the worry of the witch watching and unwanted attractions. I just wanted a little sleep. I just wanted a little Buffy.

Chapter 39.

POV Buffy.

I wasn’t sure that my legs were going to carry me up the stairs. I was so damn exhausted, so damn tired, so still wishing for a break in the hard times. I was more than a little tempted to ask Faith to carry me, but from the look in her eyes I could see that she was just as weary as me, just as ready to crash, and just as prepared to keep wishing for better times.

Everything that we have learned today, everything that we have heard, it’s just… god, it’s just so screwed up. I have always believed that the council were pompous assholes, but the realisation that they are girl abducting, murdering scum, well, it’s a little hard to take. It’s something that we shouldn’t have to take. It’s something that I am determined that no girl of ours is ever going to have to take again. And when I say ‘ours’, I mean ours.

It’s amazing how much things can change in just a few hours. Only yesterday I would have given anything to isolate the slayer line myself, to make me and Faith the only slayers ever, to cocoon the two of us inside of a bond that no one else could ever lay claim to. But then of course I had heard Kennedy’s story. Now I would stake my life to protect hers, I would stake my life to protect every single girl out there that the council wants to list as a potential. Potential what? Dog meat? Not a chance. It will not be happening again. Ever again.

A sigh that sounds a thousand years old breaks from my lips and my eyes travel up to the mirror to bear witness to the sadness that sits there. I know the silent question that pokes my consciousness, the reason that I’m stood solitary in the bathroom when Faith awaits my presence in the bedroom.

Why the hell should I keep risking my life and the lives of those I love, to save a world that barely seems worthy of saving?

I can fight demons, I can slice and dice demons, I can take on demons all damn night and day if I have to. Because I am the slayer, because they are inhuman, because they are evil. But my god, how is it that the worst forms of evil reside within the very life forms that we are trying so hard to protect, to save? I have never witnessed anything as bad as human evil. So much of it. And all of it so damn base, the very depths of a depravity that I can not even bring myself to imagine.

I don’t want to list examples, to begin a count that is never ending, but I can’t stop the faces from floating unbidden in front of my eyes. Warren of course, his manic laughter now a soundtrack for my every sweat stained nightmare, but so many more than him. The Mayor, Ted, Ethan Rayne, Amy’s mum, Fritz the murdering computer nerd, Pete the steroid popper, Maggie Walsh and her whole messed up initiative…

My head pounds as the list continues to grow. All different sorts of people, all from different places, all proving that the human spirit is capable of producing mayhem and misery just as well as any hell driven beast. It’s depressing. It’s almost soul destroying. It makes my eyes water even as I splash cool liquid to my face to refresh my tiredness. Is the world really worth all the saving? Is my calling really as important as it may sound?

“Hey B, you got lost in there?”

And now the mirror reflects the smile that slinks to my lips as her voice rings heavy through the door. Damn right this world is worth saving.

“Just freshening up, I’m almost done .”

Self pity is not a look I like to favour so much anymore, and thinking through the bad times is a guarantee that the self pity will be on the way. So instead I remember good times. The people that face the bad without the power to kill demons with a flick of the wrist. People like Tara, like Xander, Jenny Calender, Riley… I only have to look at the face of my baby sister to see the human spirit at it’s best. People that would do my job without ever having filled out an application form. It’s heartening, and I like the feeling a whole lot more than the other. I like the smile so much more than the frown.

“Serious Buffy, I need to pee, you want me to spring a leak on the carpet?”

“Only if you’re going to clean up after.”

I turn and flick the lock, open the door to see her standing with her legs crossed and not looking at all impressed with me.

“Halle-freaking-lujah!”

“Sorry, I was…”

“Yeah, freshening up, I got that.”

I smile at her pained expression as she pushes past me through the door, already tearing at the buttons on her jeans, popping her fly and exposing her ass. I could joke about her lack of dignity, but instead I just chuckle and leave, pulling the door closed behind me. Everything about that girl makes my world worth saving.

In the bedroom she has pulled the blinds to stop the sun from shining through, has puffed up the pillows that I left in a despondent heap and made my Bostonian checks sit all orderly again. Making the bed the place to be, making me yawn as I realise again just how tired I am. It’s no more than a myth that slayers don’t feel tiredness the same way as everybody else does, I spend half of my life feeling absolute exhaustion, but always there is something there to call me on, to assure me that rest is second best, that everything else is much more urgent. Well not now, not at this moment. Now I need to rest, to recuperate, to prepare for the battle that faces us next. Faith returning to the room only makes the moment more complete.

“You made the bed.” I state the obvious as I let myself flop down atop the covers, beckoning gently with my hand for her to come and join me.

“Don’t get used to it, my Marcia Brady days are officially over, I was just killing time whilst you were getting fresh. Hell, if you’d taken any longer I’d have been tempted to get friendly with the vacuum cleaner.”

“Sorry, I was… you know. Thinking.”

Her eyes take on a serious note as she sits herself down next to me, a sigh as large as any I have found slipping from the grim set of her lips.

“I bet I can guess what about.”

And I bet that she is right. The council’s crimes are not just crimes against me, they are crimes against her, crimes against everything that our legacy stands for.

“It’s too much to take in, isn’t it?”

“Sure is B, whoever would’ve thought it?” Her head is shaking, and I can feel her body shaking too, sending out the silent vibes of anger that have encased her fully since Kennedy first stuttered out her tortured tale. “Makes you wonder what the fucking point is.”

“I know.” Because I have been wondering. She lays her body back until we are resting side by side, our eyes fixed solely on the ceiling above us. “I always realised that they were full of crap, but I at least thought that they were on our side, fighting with us.”

“And yet now we get that they’re against us. Me I can understand.” She turns her head to face me, rolls her eyes to acknowledge her past. “But you B, that’s just bullshit.”

“No Faith, all of it is bullshit.”

We slip into a stretched silence as we consider exactly how crap infested it really is. It’s a situation that I wouldn’t ever have believed if I hadn’t heard it first hand from a survivor. And the fact that they had the audacity to label Kennedy as rogue and request for us to catch her and turn her back over to them, it’s completely freaking nuts. It shows just how untouchable they believe they are, how invincible, how powerful.

They do not understand the first damn thing about power.

“Do you think that Ken’s gonna be okay?”

I set aside my pondering to answer her question, thoughts flashing to the girl that I had sent to spar with Giles. Hoping that Angel would take up the call instead.

“I’m certain that she will. Kennedy’s a survivor Faith, she’s a slayer.”

“But you know as well as I do B, that slaying don’t always make the world a bright and fuzzy place. The girls been through a fuck of a lot, it might take time.”

It might. But then I had seen the quick change that possessed her when her gaze had been determined in it’s possessing of Wills. Kennedy has a whole lot of spirit left in reserve, I am completely sure of that. And speaking of…

“Did you get the way that she was checking out Wills?”

“Did I get it?” Her chuckle makes a nice break from the sighs. “I was damn near scorched by it! That girl has one wicked hot vibe working for her.”

“You think that Tara noticed?”

“I know that Tara noticed.” And that does make me a little weary again. I know how I would feel if Kennedy’s look had been directed at Faith. It would not be good. My blow of breath has her turning onto her side to face me, her fingers reaching out to fiddle with the base of my top, stretching my mind in two directions at once. “Don’t worry about it B, I’ll talk to Ken, tell her how it is.”

I nod acceptance as her touch centres around my navel, dipping softly into my belly button. The pace of my breathing increasing to match the steady flutter of my heart.

“Do you think it’ll be enough? Cos I’m thinking that there’s a girl that doesn’t want to follow any orders, that’s had enough of being controlled.”

Her eyes have dipped from mine to follow the lazy path of her hand, as if she is mesmerised by the slow and simple way that she is touching me. I know that I am.

“It’ll be fine, trust me.”

I don’t get a chance to answer, because in the moment that I would’ve told her that I trust her with everything, she is pulling herself up and away from me. An instant shift of mood. Running her hands through her hair, letting out a yawn that belies the exhaustion that she feels too.

“You tired baby?”

“Fucking beat and fading fast.” She taps a finger against the side of her head. “Too much shit to process B, I just wanna sleep for like a week.”

“Shame we don’t have a week.” Her mouth downturns and she stifles another yawn, starts pulling her sleep clothes out of my drawer. And I like her clothes in my drawer. It’s a thought that niggles the thing in my mind that I have been meaning to say to Faith for days. Right now is not the time though, not yet. “We do have a few hours, maybe two, possibly three. It’s not a week, but it’s a start.”

“Wow, a whole three?” She rolls her eyes again, showing disapproval.

“It’s better than nothing.”

My heart is still fluttering as her hands remove the clothes from her body, unearthing with each layer the ultimate prize in living. That which keeps my world spinning. In some circles they might call it lecherous, the way that my eyes are reaching out to possess every inch of flesh that she bares to me, the way that my tongue is darting out to moisten my drying lips, but I don’t care. After everything, after all of the horror stories that I have heard, there is nothing which means as much to me as losing the reek of depravity in the fresh smell of Faith.

“You’re looking pretty good there.” It’s an understatement of course, but it’s a statement that sneaks out from my lips without much forethought. Making her give me a puzzled little frown, then a smirk, then a smile.

“I try my hardest.” Her arms are stretching up above her head as she turns her back to me, showing the hard pronunciation of muscles, the soft cover of skin. And I want her. I want to feel how good she looks.

“Come here Faith.” It comes out throaty, making her turn towards me, her top for sleeping still in hand, her body naked before me. I’m definitely lecherous. Mark it down as my bad habit.

“One sec yeah, I’ll just throw these on.”

And did she miss the point?

“That’s okay, you won’t need them.”

I watch as her chest puffs out, her breasts seeming to strain for my touch as she draws in a deep breath, lets out a low sigh. “I’m fucked B, would you mind if we…”

She trails off on her words and I’m guessing that it’s because of the shocked look on my face. I mean, this IS Faith right? My Faith, the Faith who assured me that she couldn’t be with me and not want me every minute of every day. Today is a day, this is a minute, and what the heck is going on?

“Faith?”

“It’s nothing, I just…” Her hands slip the top over her body, reaching out to grab at the shorts. “…I’m so freaking exhausted, and this whole screwed up sitch is spinning my head something crazy.”

Mine too. But still.

“You don’t want to?”

I await her words but they do not come. All that comes is a heartbreaking look. Just a flash, just for a moment, the veil of sadness wrapping tight around her eyes, her expression locked in pain. And then gone. Eyes fixed, gaze empty.

“Faith?” I call her name again, I want to know what’s hurting her.

“It’s not about the wanting B, you know how much I want.” She does the eyebrows thing for me, the lift and the wiggle, yet I can’t help but feel that it’s only done for effect. That it’s part of a practiced routine, a camouflage. “There’s just so much crap in my head right now, things that I thought I knew, things that I didn’t know…”

The pain flashes fast again, usurping the pretence of sexy. And I rise. Of course I damn well rise. Standing in front of her as she ties the top to the bed shorts, waiting for her to find the words to unload on me.

“All the time I was here and thinking I was crap, and yet there was a whole heap of girls out there toasting my existence, waiting around for me to come rescue them, believing in me. It’s insane...”

Oh Faith.

“And now they’re dead, just like that. All because the council wanted our power, all because the council are a bunch of sick and twisted fuckers. I just can’t stop thinking that if I’d known…”

“No.” I will not let her persecute herself for the faults of others. She persecutes herself enough for the things that have been done by her own hand, and there is no way on earth that she is taking any of the fall for the evil of others. I will not allow it. No way. “Stop that line of thought right now, there is nothing you could have done, no one knew, end of story.”

“Just like that B?”

“Faith, it’s not that simple. Don’t think I’m dismissing it… but god, surely you don’t think that any of it’s your fault, it’s their fault. It’s like Kennedy said; The council killed them.”

She nods and I think I have her, cushioning her fall with the truth.

“I could have saved them though… if I’d known.”

“Not could have Faith, would have. But you didn’t know, we didn’t know.” Her hand strays up to run through her hair and I make a grab for it, bringing it down to rest at our sides. “You died saving the whole damn world, you can’t save everyone, you know that, we both know that.”

I should probably carve those words into stone. A constant reminder for both of us.

“Can we just go to bed Buffy, no more talking?”

“No, you can’t just go to bed.” Her questioning eyes lock into mine, and I set myself to work. Knowing how she feels, recognising and accepting the fleeting feelings of failure that comes with being a slayer. More than anything though I remember how she always makes me feel better when I am sliding low, how she makes me smile through all of the hard times. I smile for her now. “I’m not letting my girl go to sleep with the thoughts all morose, it’s not happening.”

“It’s not?”

“Damn right it’s not!” I make it so that I stand as close to her as I can, so she can feel the steady rhythm of my heart beating in my chest, the warmth of my body calling out to her. “Look over there Faith, what do you see?”

It’s been done a couple of times before and now I’m praying that it can be done again. Everyday we fight, and way too often we lose the things that are precious to us. There is no greater refuge from that than a few moments of blessed sanctuary, time to stand still and to breathe, to smile at the things that are good. Faith showed me that, and it is only fair that I show her the same.

“What do I see?”

She follows the point of my finger to the bedroom door, and just for a second I worry that she doesn’t want to stand still right now, doesn’t want to breathe with me.

“Yes Faith,” I lean up to kiss her softly, just a nibble, a tiny trip of tongue that slides across the cleft in her lower lip. “Tell me what you see?”

“I see the door.”

Her voice has embraced a husky whisper for me, her eyes opening up to see the same things which I see. And so I launch into my speech, the same kind of words which saved us before.

“Right, a door.” I smile, and she smiles. “Beyond that door is a whole lot of bad things, the bumpy in the night things, the bumpy in the day things. Demons, people…” Her eyes harden again on that word, and so I skip forwards, my hand coming up to trace the line of her jaw, warming inside as she leans her face into my touch. “…but in here Faith, in here it’s just you and me, just a few minutes when nothing else can touch us, when all that matters is this. Is us.”

Her forehead is touching mine, her nose grazing, her breath settling sweet on my lips. “I love you B.”

“I know you do.” I lift my fingers to trace her face again, the outline of her smile. “Now let me make love to you?”

She steps back on my words and hands me the reins, lifting her arms as I remove the clothes that I swore she wouldn’t need, standing there submissively as I slide the shorts down her legs, feet kicking out to send them skidding across the floor. And she is still so breathtakingly beautiful. A beauty that makes me ache to touch her, to possess and caress her, to please her. I let my lips claim hers in a kiss which has nothing at all to do with softly, but everything to do with passion, the heat of her skin raising my temperature, engulfing myself in everything that she makes me feel.

“I want you.” Again stating the obvious, but needing for it to be said.

Her answering sigh of approval is enough to make me pop the button on my own pants, desperate to feel her flesh sitting snugly against my skin, desperate to wash away every feeling of the bad with touches that are born from love.

“You need a little help there?”

Her voice is husky as hell, and a jolt of pure electricity fizzes through my system as her fingers slide to the soft skin that sits underneath the restriction of my fly, popping the last of the buttons for me, edging material slowly over my hips.

“I thought I was being the seductress Faith.”

“I’m seduced,” I don’t doubt the sexy in her smile now. “Just returning the favour.”

I wiggle my legs to encourage my pants to fall the rest of the way to the ground, stepping away from them, lifting my arms to allow Faith to undress me fully, sighing contentedly as her fingers make deft work of the clasp to my bra.

Beautiful, is what she says to me, and I love that we feel the same. I arch my back to bring my breasts close to her hovering lips, shivering as she places just the smallest of kisses to my chest, her tongue teasing me into tauntness with the way it flicks so fleetingly across me.

“You ready for bed now?” I try for an angelic smile, stepping back from her lips and extending my hand.

“You bet I am.”

Her answering smile shoots way past angelic and heads straight for hungry instead, forgoing my hand to wrap her arms around my waist, directing me towards the bed that I had offered. Every single point of contact is buzzing with deep anticipation, knowing what is coming, the things which are going to occur. I open my legs as we fall to the bed, bringing her down to nestle in close between my thighs, my hips rising to make sure that she knows exactly what I want. I want to feel her close to me, I want every sad and bad thought exiled from our systems and replaced with the thoughts all happy. I want the smiles to stay put by themselves for a while.

The rhythm that she strikes up against me is one I am beginning to know so well, the teasing touch as she lowers her pussy so gently down to mine as if she is giving me the faintest kiss hello. Always that first touch making me moan in the sweetest way. My hands know the right way to play now as well, like a game, reaching around her body to find a grip on the firmness of her ass, trying to insist that she pushes harder against me, demanding that she speeds up her lazy ministrations to slide her pussy tight against my own.

“You wanting something B?”

Her lips curving into a devilish grin as she keeps all pressure light, so god damn barely there. My clit absolutely throbbing in almost protest as she tickles herself so slightly against me…“Damn right I do.”

I utilise my strength to reverse our positions, flipping her off and over, the look on her face making me let out a small tinkle of laughter, “What’s the matter Faith, you don’t like being a bottom?”

I know that she loves it every way, but it is such fun to tease her. And it is more than fun to be the one on top. Looking down at her spread beneath me and knowing that everything is going to be okay. As long as I have her, everything will be fine.

“I thought you said making love B, not the bucking bronco.”

“I didn’t buck you, I flipped you…” I lean down and kiss her full lips, delighting in the hot wetness I find there. “…and now I’m going to fuck you.”

It’s like a whisper slipping from my lips as I pull away from her, but I know that she heard me loud and clear. Her eyebrows raising as if to say, oh you are, are ya?, and my nod assuring that yes, I definitely am.

I slide my hands slowly along her arms, bringing them up above her head, positioning her body the way that I like it. Her breasts sit so damn magnificent this way, all strained and reaching, the darkness of her nipples shining like a beacon to my eyes. To my mouth. Blowing a breeze across her skin to see if I can make them stand more firm. She makes a noise that sounds like ‘tickles’, and I take it as a call to go further. My tongue reaching out to trace an outline, my lips close behind to suck her fully into my mouth.

I feel as her hands slip into my hair, pulling me closer, losing my mind as her husky tones set light to my ears. “I need you Buffy.” And I know that she does.

My mouth setting the pace as it slides from one breast to take possession of the other, wrapping so tight around each nipple, lips sucking, tongue flicking. My hands no longer laying dormant, but reaching down between us to stroke patterns across her navel.

“You like that baby?”

I follow up the question by inviting my tongue to take the same journey as my hands, her sighs replacing words as I leave a saliva trail across her tummy. Such a pretty trail to take. I can feel her directing me downwards with the fist that’s tightened in my hair, opening my eyes to see her head tilted back and her other hand wrapping tight in my favoured Boston checks. And down is the only way to go. Kissing the soft skin that marks the passing of navel into hips, my fingers caressing the smooth flesh of inner thighs as I implore her to open up to me. Desire demanding that I consume her.

My own body reacts as if it is me who is being made love to, every stroke I give echoing against my own skin, my moans of pleasure every bit a match for hers. And I know that I could die happy drowning in the taste of Faith. Starting with just the slightest of nibbles against her clit, my tongue sliding along the inside of her lips until I’m met with the wetness that pools at the entrance to her pussy. So damn silky, musky with a flavour I have loved since the first time. And I want to be inside of her. My arms wrapping around her legs as I spread her body even wider for me, pulling them apart so I can reach my tongue right to the very depths of her. Pushing deeper, pulling harder. Urging that she rides against my face with every ounce of fiery passion that I know she possesses.

She might be saying, that’s it B, she might be saying, that feels so fucking good, but all that I can hear is the explosions in my ears. Faith’s thighs wrapping tight to insulate my senses, overpowering any need I had to pull her legs apart. And I love this. The thumping of my heart a steady back rhythm to the urgent thrusting of my tongue. And I know that she loves it too. Even without the hearing, I know that she loves it.

My eyes are flickering open every second to witness the looks that shoot across her face. One minute her own eyes clenching shut with the same tightness she uses to keep a hand in my hair, the next second her eyes flying open to meet with mine. Spreading wide as she catches my gaze, trying to lift up and witness all that she is feeling. And then dropping again. My tongue twisting to push even deeper, my arms tightening to pull even harder. Wanting to give her my all, to give her everything.

I think it is that thought that pushes me to move my hands from her thighs to give her more, my left staying there to keep her firmly against my face, but the other tripping away to bring the pleasure to the next notch, not wanting to tease, just aiming fast to please.

“Fuck B…”

And I heard that one. Her hips rising violently as I slide a finger deep inside of her, all so wet for me, all because of me. And now I can watch her properly. Just for a moment. A second of respite for my tongue as I let my fingers fuck her fast. First one, and then two, curving up to stroke inside with each thrust of my hand. I swear it feels like my heart may just jump from my chest as she looks at me this time, propping herself up on her elbows to stop from falling straight back down again.

Never have I seen anything that looks so deliciously hot as she does in this minute. Her body flushed and shining, her pupils dilated with want. Her hair sitting mussed and wild about her face. And the absolute clincher is the sight I see when my eyes drop her gaze to centre on the fingers which are buried inside of her pussy. It feels as if my very soul is on fire for her.

I watch as I slide my fingers slowly out of Faith, feeling the tingles through my body as I witness the way her juices have coated them. So smooth and sticky, my toes curling against the bed as I thrive on the power that she gives me. The way she makes me feel.

She moans my name and I return to her gaze. Still propped on elbows, still boring straight into me, more power, more tingles. And I know what she wants. Of course I do. I keep her stare as I bring my fingers up to my lips, fixing a naughty glint to my eyes as I slide them straight inside of my mouth, lapping up all that she left there. Making my own moans to compliment the taste of her on me.

“You are so fucking hot B.”

Again we are feeling the same.

Her hips are still moving in rhythm against the air, no pressure, no friction, and I know that I’m being cruel, but I just love it when she watches me like this. The thrill that catches in her eyes as she loses her self to the sight of me fucking her. It has me dropping my hand again, one last lick before sliding them back to base. Faith’s legs opening even further as she shifts her seat to watch properly. Our own private show.

One day we will have mirrors on the ceilings, mark my words.

I move my body to match her own movements, following her across the bed until she is sat almost up against the headboard, me on my knees between her legs and just sliding so slowly in and out of her. Letting her see, letting her hear how much I fucking love being inside of her, every breath punctuated by words which speak this truth. And I know when the tone changes, recognising the look which comes across her face. Losing the wonderment to be replaced by plain and simple horny. Her own mind shutting off from sentiment to trip back to her want, take and have days. Making me feel like I may be the one on top, but she is still the one in control, my breathing becoming harsher by the second as the sensation of her own fingers tickling across my skin becomes all that I am aware of.

Like torches that scorch my senses. My thighs quivering with the awareness of her touch so sure against me. And I push into her harder. Not thinking anymore about wanting her to watch me, just knowing that we’re approaching the place where thoughts no longer exist, just me and Faith.

My body melts against her when she finds the entrance to my pussy, her free hand sliding behind my back to guide me down onto her fingers, her mouth offering words which speak about wet and hot, and how much she loves me like this. And I think I’m telling her that I love her too, my own hand trying to keep rhythm inside of her as she fucks me so damn expertly. A curved touch which glides against a spot which I never knew existed before I felt her touch, her breath hot as she reaches forwards to take my nipple between her lips.

“Oh god Faith.”

I throw my head back because it is all that I can do, arching into her, arching against her, riding her, fucking her.

“Come on B, come on baby…” Her words are coming out sharp from her lips, her own body trying to arch itself up off of the bed to bring a touch even tighter, a thrust that falls even deeper. I know she’s sliding close, I know that nothing makes her come as hard as when we fuck together, and it drives me straight to the same place. Nothing existing outside of this room, beyond the door, just the here and the now.

My body sweating as I move hard against her, every muscle tensing in preparation for release. I feel as her grip tightens around me, my thigh banging hard against the hand that holds her, my head dropping forwards now to claim her lips in a kiss. More than a kiss. Her tongue duelling with mine, her lips crushing, the tingling that begins in my clit reaching out to ignite sparks all across my body. And I hold on tighter. Ripping my mouth away from the kiss to bury in her neck, my arm aching with the force of the thrusts I’m still delivering, until each spark becomes a full on forest fire, my body shuddering with the strength of the blaze. All through me, all through her, heart pounding, mouth panting. Yet still riding. Still giving. A whole fucking wave of orgasms shattering through my system, each cry muting itself in her neck, her own cries sounding loud against my chest. Oh god Faith. Oh god.

Aware of nothing but the way that her body connects with mine, sinking as I am sinking, her hand steadying inside of me until we’re no longer fucking, but we’re both still there. Still here. Wrapped in warmth.

She slides down the bed now so as she can lay on her back, sighing as she takes her fingers from my pussy, sighing harder as I take my hand from hers. “Did I say that you could move B?”

Heavy husky tones which deliver the words without opening her eyes. A small satisfied smile curving upwards from her lips.

“Do I need permission?”

I lay my body across hers, my thigh resting between her thighs, my lips dipping forward to place kisses across her collarbone. As for the hand in question, I use that to trace that little smirk which sits upon her lips, offering her the taste of Faith. It makes her open her eyes to me, makes her tickle the tips of my fingers with her tongue.

“No B, not permission, what you need is a medal.”

My eyebrows flick up in query, “A medal?”

“Sure thing girlfriend, where did you learn to fuck like that?”

And you have to laugh at her sometimes. Making me flush with the compliment, yet still well aware of where the compliment’s heading back to. Pulling my hand away from her lips now to tangle up inside of her hair, trying to tame it into a style of respectability.

“Where did I learn?” She’s smirking wider as she awaits her name. Nodding along to my words. “Well, you know, I didn’t wanna say anything before Faith… but with Wills, and me, and the whole best friend thing… it’s like you thought… ”

“No way!”

The smirk has been replaced by shock, disbelief making her mouth gasp wide for oxygen.

“No, no way, but it’ll teach ya for being so cocky!” Now she just looks injured. “Aw, come on Faith, you know that you’re the best a girl can get, and yes, I admit… you taught me everything that I know.”

And she did in all reality. Before Faith my only conquests included Angel, which was so damn long ago and so damn tragic that I barely remember anything about it. And then Parker. And then Riley. And then Spike. My taste has sure improved since I hit on the girls brigade.

“I guess I should get the medal then, right B?”

And she’s straight on back to cocky. Maybe laced with a slight edge of exhausted. I lift myself up to kiss her lips, the faintest taste from my fingers still deposited there, enough to make me suck her bottom lip between mine. “Will that do?”

“Better than a medal.” She yawns as she says it, running her hand through the hair I had just made respectable. Lots of exhaustion.

“You tired still?”

“Kinda energised, kinda fucked, still fading fast.”

My sentiments exactly.

“Sleep?”

“For a week?”

“More like two hours.” She smiles at the loss of an hour, much better spent than sleeping. Her arm wrapping tight around me, bringing me in as close she can. I rest my head on her shoulder, my eyes closing as they start to lose the fight against the sleep.

“Thanks Buffy.”

Just a whisper across the top of my head. It has me opening my eyes again though, lifting my face a little to look up into her eyes. “What for?”

“Making it better, making me better. I needed that.” I lean up for another kiss, a kiss goodnight.

“Love you.” She smiles again at my words, and I close my eyes feeling like the luckiest girl ever. Special for so many different reasons other than the chosen kind. Perfectly happy here in our sanctuary, everything bad left on the other side of the door. Still there and still waiting. But not here. Nothing here except us.

Chapter 40.

POV Buffy

Sometimes when I dream it feels prophetic, visions seen through a sleepy haze which hold a solid form, faces, places, all seeping through to my conscious to let me know that I should pay attention. That the details I am being shown are details that I need to take note of. Things which I need to remember. It is like that because I am the slayer. Half bites offered to me from the PTB as some kind of aid in saving the world. Usually the aids are not so good, maybe a fleeting glimpse of a hell bound beast, the harrowing cry of a power hungry master vamp, but even so I know to take note. That when I feel that way about a dream, then it has to mean something important.

The way that I feel right now.

Or ‘maybe’ the way that I feel right now. I’m not sure, I’m confused. Trying to catch the curveball. Never in all my years as a slayer has a dream which felt this way been so comforting or so peaceful. So completely different to what I am used to. And yet it felt so real. I could taste the air as I breathed it in, I could feel the sun as it shone down upon me, and I could feel with absolute certainty the way that her fingers stroked their way across my skin. Not hidden from the bad times within the sanctuary of my bedroom, but outside in a world where bad times didn’t exist. Cradled together and watching a sunset which spoke of so much more than the beasties which the sunset always brings. Everything which me and Faith can never have. And yet it felt so real.

My breath holds tight in my throat as I watch her sleeping next to me, my heart breaking with the knowledge of every easy time we won’t ever experience, all of the things which we are bound by destiny to miss. I would love so much to give her peace, to hold her in the comfort of my arms and not have to worry about what the future holds for us. To watch her sleeping like this and not have to wake her to face the demons which I believe in more than any dream.

It almost feels as if I am tempting fate by even thinking this way, by letting my thoughts wander to all of the things which I desire the most. Peace and comfort and Faith. But I didn’t invite the dream, it was just there, waiting for me. Whispering words into my ears about happiness and fulfilment, assuring me with moving images that all of this could be ours. Would be ours. But it can’t be ours.

I don’t have a clue what the PTB are playing at, if there’s a message hidden somewhere in the beauty of all that they showed to me, but I do know that I’m not falling for it. I’ve seen way too much to buy into the thought of a happy ending, I know way too much to ever believe in the dream. And if they were trying to buoy my spirit for the fight by flashing me the future that I can never have, then they have failed miserably.

It’s times like these when I hate my calling, when I want to flip a finger up to the whole freaking legacy and tell it to take a hike. Faith’s words of just a job mean so little in the harsh light of day, when the simple thought of taking a vacation is enough to send my mood crashing down into despondency. You get vacation time with a job, you don’t get a vacation from life. So tell me, slaying… is it really not my life?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I can’t complain when already I have so much more than what I believed I would ever have, but I will not be tricked into believing that there is more. Happiness is a day to day thing around here, balancing precariously on a scale where just one slip the other way means that everything has gone bad again. It is not something that can be gained from resting on a beach with my partner in my arms watching the sight of a beautiful sunset. No. It shouldn’t even register as a dream, it means less to me than a wayward fantasy. An illusion.

An illusion that felt so real.

I vow somewhere in my mind to take it to Giles, to ask him if a slayer ever had dreams which showed a promise of a better time, and more importantly, did those better times ever arrive? I expect that he won’t know the answer though, that he’ll cluck a little and wipe his glasses, switch his tone to paternal as he says, Well Buffy, nothing that the slayer dreams tell us is ever that conclusive. And then he’ll get that sad little look in his eyes which tells me he is wishing that he could offer me something different, that he could deliver all of the futures that he knows I’ll never enjoy. Maybe I won’t ask him. Maybe I’ll forget the taste of the sea breeze against my tongue, the warmth of a perfect sunset against my skin. I don’t know if I can forget though the feeling of euphoria that existed in the dream when I realised that I was done. That I was finished. That I could rest. Peace and comfort and Faith.

I watch her eyelids flicker now and wonder what she is seeing in her dreams. Whether the PTB have decided to fuck about with her reality in the same way that they were doing to me. Then again, Faith would see it different of course. She would wake up with an abundance of the smiles and dimples, would probably smother me in her arms and tell me all about the little mind trip she had taken with me to a place which was all peaceful and idyllic. Or she’d be bitching about the lack of fighting action. Either way, she would not be letting a simple dream fill her mind with thoughts all doom and gloomful. Always optimistic. Everything will always be okay.

The tiny tap against the bedroom door tears my eyes away from my prize, my finger going up to my lips as Dawn pokes her head slowly round the opening door.

“Sorry Buffy, I just wondered if you were awake yet.”

I smile to let her know that it’s okay, that I was already awake. My mouth opening to produce a whisper, quiet so as not to disturb Faith. “Just give me a minute Dawnie, I’ll be right there.”

She shuts the door again and I take it as my cue to rise, gathering some easy clothes from the drawer and making myself respectable for the world. My hair secured firmly in a pony tail, the same old Buffy smile plastered masterfully upon my face. I can’t help pausing before I turn to leave though, one final moment in the sanctuary that me and Faith had created, a final memory of the dream prickling tears at the back of my eyes. I would give anything to know peace with Faith. I would give anything to live the dream with her.

When I open the door, Dawn is there and waiting, kicking her heels against the floor in a blatant show of teenage impatience.

“Is everything okay?”

“Huh, yeah.” She stops kicking long enough to answer me, “Giles sent me up to get you guys, he wants to go over plans, what you want to do, blah blah blah…”

“You woke me up for ‘blah blah blah’?”

“No, there were words, but I forget them.” She shrugs her shoulders, “Plus you said you were already awake.”

“I was, kind of.” I turn to lead the way down the stairs, confident that she will follow. “What happened with Kennedy, did Giles spar with her?”

“No, Angel did. I think they’re still down there, maybe you can go join them, beat her up a little bit…”

“Dawn!”

It’s not just her words that have me turning on the stairs, but the bitterness that sits in her tone. The will to inflict pain. Her eyes when I catch them are full of defiance, as if she is daring me to argue with her, to tell her that she is wrong. And I do not have a clue what is going on.

“Why would you want me to beat up Kennedy?”

Her nose screws up a little, obvious distaste gracing her face. “Why wouldn’t I want you to?”

And that doesn’t help.

“Am I missing something here?” Because it sure feels like I am. Maybe a couple of days ago my cautious nature would have called for a little of the physical violence, but now I’m rooted firmly on the side of protection. “Has Kennedy upset you?”

Her face is still a raging ball of up most contempt. Her arms folding tight across her chest, her head shaking fast on those young shoulders of hers. “Everything was just starting to settle down! Everyone was just starting to get happy!”

She shouts her words out with enough force to make me stumble down another step, her arms leaving her chest to remonstrate with her hands. “And then she comes along and now everything is gonna be crap again!”

Wow. And huh?

“Things aren’t crap Dawn.” She rolls her eyes in disagreement. “Hey, they’re not. Sure we’ve got to deal with the council, but it’s nothing that we can’t handle. This is just a blip okay, a little hiccup on the road to happiness. You can’t blame Kennedy for that.”

“I saw the way she was looking at Willow.”

Oh.

“Well she was probably just being friendly.”

She rolls her eyes at me again, and I have to remember that she’s not four anymore.

“That was not friendly, she looked like she wanted to eat her, she probably does want to eat her.” Yep, definitely not four anymore. “She’s trouble Buffy, and I don’t like her.”

Her eyes are still daring me to disagree, and at the moment I just don’t have the energy to do it. Instead I try and diffuse her rage with a smile, a sisterly touch to the shoulder, words which beg to bring comfort. “It’ll be fine, don’t worry. Faith is going to speak to Kennedy about Wills and Tara, explain how off limits it is. I’m sure that once she knows the deal we won’t be getting anymore X-rated staring contests…”

“There’d better not be, because I swear, if she even thinks that she’s gonna mess with them two, then I’ll be the one beating her up. I mean it Buffy, she better watch herself.”

I turn my touch to placating, raising my fingers to run through her hair, tucking it back behind an ear. “If she messes with them, then we’ll both beat her up,” it makes her smile just a little. “but until then lets try and give her a go, okay?”

And that stops the smiling. “I don’t want to, I want her to go. Why can’t anything ever just be good, why does something always have to mess it up?”

“You think I have an answer to that?”

“It’s not fair.”

I want to say ‘welcome to the world’, but I won’t. I may not believe in the happy ending, but I refuse to ruin the vision for her. Not yet. “I know it’s not fair Dawnie, god knows we all need a little breather from the hard times, but this is just the way things are right now. I’m sure once we’ve gotten this all sorted out things will settle down, we can all get on with being happy…”

“Whatever.”

Did she just ‘whatever’ me?

“You what?”

“You don’t believe that anymore than I do, things never settle down around here. There’s always something going wrong. Maybe I should take bets on it and get rich, take odds on whose gonna die next.”

“Dawn…”

“What? You think it won’t happen?”

I have no idea where all of this is coming from, but I know that it hurts to hear it. Death is something that I worry about, I do not want Dawn to bear the worry too. “I know it won’t happen. Not this time Dawn, it’s not like that. No one is going to be dying.”

If I could make the words more valid by shouting them, then I would. But I know that I have no control over death, who it comes for and when. So I let my voice go soft instead, cajoling her into believing me.

“Excuse me if I don’t believe you,” I guess the cajoling didn’t work then. “but that may have something to do with the fact that everybody just keeps on dying. Mom, you, Faith, nearly Tara… even Spike…”

“Spike was already dead AND he was kinda evil.”

“Not to me he wasn’t.”

“He was helping Warren!” My head is shaking in disbelief. I know that my relationship with Spike doesn’t define everyone’s relationship with Spike, and I know that they were… close, when I was… dead, but still. “He was evil Dawn.”

“So what? He’s still dead, gone. Whatever.” She goes to walk around me on the stairs, her tone still a little bitter, her eyes closing off from me.

“Dawn, wait.”

“What for? So you can pretend that everything’s going to be okay some more?”

“I’m not pretending.”

I’m not. I try and hang onto that thought as she slides a disdainful look over me. Pulling herself up to her full height, flicking her hair in a way that I swear Cordy has taught to her. Dismissing me. “Maybe I’d believe you if you could say it like you meant it.”

My mouth gapes as she turns from me again. Wanting so much to dispute the fact more, but not knowing the right words to say, the way to bring truth to things which maybe I don’t believe in. Things do have a real unhealthy way of going bad around here. I can’t dispute that fact. I can’t promise her a happy ending.

I stand my ground resigned to letting her walk away disenchanted, sighing deep as Willow comes into view. I catch the confused look that she offers Dawn as she storms on past her, a look that continues until it settles upon me.

“What’s up with Dawnie?”

“Life.”

“Huh?”

I think about how to unravel her confusion, how to state the way that my sister is feeling. “I think she’s lost her faith in happy endings Wills, she’s started seeing life exactly the way it is.”

“Well that sounds pretty gloomy.”

Tell me about it. I can only give her a shrug of my shoulders, another shake of the head. “She’s waiting for the next bad thing to happen, the next person she cares about to die. She’s come to expect it, I guess that does feel kinda gloomy.”

“What did you say to her?”

And another shrug of the shoulders. “What can I say? I can’t promise her bad things won’t happen, I can’t promise that no one is going to die…”

“And you used to be a cheerleader?” Her serious face holds for just a second until her mouth turns up into a smile. “Did your team lose a lot?”

“Very funny Wills, but I don’t think the pom poms and splits would’ve worked on Dawnie. She’s pretty upset, I don’t think anything except an end to all of the bad times is gonna convert her back to happy.”

“Do you want me to speak to her?”

“You can try. Although a spell to end all of the crap might work better.”

“If only.” She gives me a wistful look as I make it to the bottom of the stairs, immediately linking her arm through mine, launching into a quick spate of chatter. “What about you, are you okay? Although I guess with the council stuff it’s not really okay. Kinda crazy maybe, but not okay. And what about Kennedy huh? What’s your thoughts on Kennedy?”

I think that here’s a girl that needs to breathe. “Slow down Wills, my ears can only compute a certain amount of words per second…”

“Right. Slow. So?”

“Huh?”

“Kennedy?”

“Right.”

Kennedy. What to say? “She’s okay, I think. Obviously scared of the council, a little wild around the edges, but she seems nice enough.”

“Nice?” Her arm breaks away from mine, and she places her hands upon her hips. “Did you see the way she was looking at me Buffy!?” And I’m pretty sure that everybody saw. “Because that was not about nice, that was about… naughty! A whole honking heap of naughty.”

My eyes are getting dizzy as she starts to pace in front of me. All huffing and puffing. All sorts of tense. “It’s crazy! She made me feel so…”

“Horny?”

The voice from behind makes me turn in a spin. Smiling at Faith’s cocky grin, flushing as she shoots me a wink.

“No! Not horny Faith. I was going to say violated. It was… indecent.”

I close my eyes on Willow’s disgruntled look, and concentrate only on the feel of Faith’s lips on my neck. Just a slight whisper as she comes to stand next to me. A shiver sliding deliciously across the full length of my body, warm tingles tickling each of my senses. Her voice when it comes is still heavy with sleep, wrapping around my ears, inducing me to feel good.

“Lighten up Red, she was only checking out the goodies. Take it as a compliment, ride with it.”

“Ride with it?” Disbelief has partnered disgruntled now. Both of them fighting for dominance on her face. “I don’t want to ride with anything. You have to speak to her, make her stop.”

I’m trying to ignore the feeling of Faith’s fingers as they slide to their place at the small of my back, tiny teasing circles of touches, totally distracting.

“Buffy?”

“What? Uh… sure! Faith’s gonna talk to her, aren’t you baby?”

I reach my hand behind me to take hers, bringing it down to a safer place, my mind trying to focus on Will’s worries.

“Sure am B. Although only if you’re certain Red? Ken’s a nice slice of honey pie, be a shame not to sample a taste.”

I watch as Willow begins to go into shock right in front of me, knowing that if I turned my head to catch Faith’s eyes they would be winking and leering, teasing to the max. I squeeze her hand tighter to persuade her to lay off. For now. “Calm down Will, Faith didn’t mean it. Of course she’ll talk to her, and of course she’ll tell her to back off. Quit worrying.”

“Right, quit worrying.” She says it like she doesn’t mean it. “I can do that. Just talk to her Faith, tell her. If Tara saw her looking at me like that then…”

“Like what sweetie?”

“Tara!”

Oh god. We all turn our attention the newcomer’s way, no doubt all of us feeling as if we had just been caught with our hands in the cookie jar. Wondering what she heard. What she’s thinking. Willow is the first to recover, rushing over to Tara’s side, babbling complete nonsense to try and cover the previous conversation.

“We were just saying about the council stuff baby, all kinds of crazy, and Buff’s gonna talk to Ken about the spell stuff some more, maybe get some clues for us to conjure with…”

“Willow, breathe.” The look that Tara is giving her is all about the smiles. A Tara special. Lighting up her features, lighting up the room. “I know what you were talking about, and you don’t have to worry.”

“I don’t?”

“No way. Kennedy can look all she wants to sweetie, but it doesn’t mean she gets to touch.” Her hand is sliding up to cup Will’s face, her thumb rubbing gently across her cheek. “Only I get to touch.”

I wonder if I should look away as they start to kiss, whether it is rude to stare. Whether it is wrong to feel stirrings of the horny kind as they begin to let the passion boil over.

“Fuck me B, that’s hot.”

“Uh-huh.”

“You wanna pop back upstairs?”

And uh-huh again. It’s almost as if they have forgotten that we are in the room. And staring. The kiss going from deep and meaningful, to soft and nibbling. Two matching sighs of contentment breaking from their lips.

“Hey, slow down there girls, anymore of that and you’ll be sparking an orgy.” Faith moves from my side to head over to the witches, reaching out her hand to test the heat of their skin, blowing the burn from her fingers when she finds them to be scorching. “And I wouldn’t let Ken catch you, she’ll be giving you both the ‘fuck me’ eyes if she catches a glimpse of that little show.”

I expect them to look embarrassed as they break slowly apart, but they only look energised. Secret smiles being exchanged, little touches of fingers that keep them connected even as they turn to face me.

“She does have nice eyes.”

Does she? I don’t ask, I just shake my head at Tara’s devilish expression, wonder when all of my friends turned into such hussies.

“She has a pretty wicked ass too, maybe the pair of ya should give her a little workout, ease her stress levels,” I watch Faith’s eyebrows as they dance seductively in time with her words, and I know. My friends have all become hussies since Faith returned here. Her sexuality oozing out to encompass us all in the feel good factor, her own wicked hot vibe working wonders on all that we used to repress. “I’m sure she’d appreciate it, could be fun.”

“Faith…”

“It’s okay baby, Faith is just playing.” Tara offers Willow another of those smiles to ease her still worried expression. “No one gets to join in our fun times, not even if their ass is tight enough to crack walnuts.”

I catch Faith’s wink from across the room, smile myself as she throws her arms around each of the witch’s shoulders. “I guess I will have to talk to her then, let her know which lines not to cross.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“It is? You reconsidering already Tara?”

“No, but I can talk to her myself.” It’s an unexpected statement, and one which floods Will’s eyes with the worry some more.

“Maybe you should leave it to Faith, you know… being that Kennedy’s a slayer, and all tough with the grrrr...”

“No Willow, Faith has enough to worry about without having to play bodyguard to my girlfriend,” She mimics some kind of uh… god, what is that? A girly punch move? “And I can be all grrrr if I need to be. You’re my girl, and I’m more than capable of telling Kennedy that fact myself.”

Go Tara! Although she may have a problem if it comes to the actual exchange of punches. I’ve seen Andrew throw better ones than that.

I settle myself down onto the arm of the sofa and just watch as they continue the chat about being butch and brave and warning off a big bad slayer. Faith is feeding them ammunition at every opportunity, cracking funnies and offering sound bites. Her greatest suggestion being that the witches take away Kennedy’s attraction with a little bit of conjuring. It’s all jovial, all enjoyable, and it all proves that I needn’t have been so worried about Tara’s reaction to the look. She has a cool head, a calm head, a head much better suited to the squashing of the jealousy than mine. I envy her. I’d have definitely been wallowing in the grrr already if that look had touched upon Faith.

“You spazzing out again B?”

It’s a surprise when my gaze comes back into focus on a room that holds only me and Faith. The witches gone. And yes, I guess I was spazzing.

“Sorry, thinking again. Where’d…”

“Upstairs, they had some urgent ‘texty goodness’ to get down with.” She walks closer to me, the dimples in her cheeks out in full force. “Apparently Giles wants to get some order to our thoughts, discuss what our plans are gonna be…”

“We have plans?”

“I’m empty. I wanna say wipe ‘em all out, but my redemption won’t allow it.” She fakes a sigh, but the dimples are still there.

“You want me to say it?”

“Could work.” I edge along the sofa to make room for her ass. “It’s the only idea I have at the mo. Maybe the others came up with something while we were sleeping.”

“Maybe.”

My thoughts flash instantly back to the dream I had when sleeping. My vision. The peace that I had found there. Weariness settling over me again with the realisation that I am so far away from ever achieving that.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah.” I smile to assure her, take the offered place inside her arms. “It’d just be nice to not have to make plans for a while. Dawn’s pissed, obsessing over the latest bad…”

“But it’s all gonna be cool, we lay down the law to the council, then I’m figuring it’s chill out time. I’ll talk to her, make her see the sunny side.”

“Good luck with that.”

“You don’t think I can do it?”

“I think that Dawn’s a tough nut to crack. I just wish that I could give her the better times. She’s been through enough already, suffered enough…”

I don’t realise how my head has fallen despondent until I feel her fingers under my chin, raising it back up again, urging me to turn and look at her. Her dimples still on show, softness in her eyes. “Why is it that we have to keep carrying each other out of the dumps B?”

I don’t have an answer, just a shrug of the shoulders.

“Serious, if it’s not me dwelling in the depths, then it’s you.”

Again I’m tempted to put it down to life, to let the gloomy thoughts take control, but I know that that won’t wash with Faith. The girl who always puts a cheerful spin on everything for me.

“I guess things have just been pretty crappy lately.”

“It’s not all been bad.” Her eyes are still holding the softness for me, drawing me in. The arm around my shoulder tightening as she presses a gentle kiss to my lips, pulling away and still keeping the dimples.

“No Faith, not all bad.”

I could lose myself in those eyes. I want to. Because somehow everything always seems better, doable, when she looks at me this way. Comforting me with love. It’s almost enough to have me speaking of my dream, testing the water with the vision I had seen, sharing with her my desire to just be at peace.

The moment is stolen by the arrival of Giles, his frazzled expression not changing as he begins to speak, the glasses in his hand punctuating his words. “Girls, your up. I take it that you slept well?”

We both nod, settle back to hear what he has to say.

“I’ve spoken to my contacts in England, and it seems that the council are due to arrive tomorrow morning. I suggest that whatever it is you are both wanting to do, you share with us sooner rather than later.” And now we both offer blank expressions. “You do have a plan?”

“Actually Giles, we were kinda hoping that you might’ve come up with a plan while we were sleeping.” I rise from the sofa arm and make my way over to him. “Because the closest that we have is wiping them all out, and I’m not sure that that’s such a viable option. Which is a shame.”

He narrows his eyes on my last comment, but I know that behind me Faith will be smiling.

“No Buffy, ‘wiping out’ humans is still out of bounds, no matter what they have done.”

“Like I said, it’s a shame.”

“Sure is B, seems to me like they’re gonna get away with what they’ve done. It’s not right.” I feel as she comes to stand next to me, leaning up against the wall and crossing her arms over her chest. Her gaze directing solely at Giles.

“I really don’t know what to suggest. There is no way to persecute them for their actions, other than to prevent it from happening again…”

“But that’s bullshit! How the fuck will we know if they do it again? Man, they could already be doing it, working out replacements for Ken.”

It’s something that I have already wondered at. If there’s young girls out there now being plucked from their homes to be herded like cattle by the council. Tortured, trained and killed.

“The witches are confident that they can work the same spells as the council, and I have to agree. Willow’s power surpasses anything I have seen before, and working with Tara she is much better able to control that power.”

“Which means?” I don’t mean to be slow, but he does need to spell it out.

“It means that at the very least we can locate these ‘potentials’, just as readily as the council can. Perhaps afford them some level of protection.”

Now Faith pushes herself off from the wall she had leant against, shaking her head, her hands wiping the strain from her face. “And how the fuck do you suggest we protect them Giles? Last count I had three slayers, and that’s assuming that Kennedy’s gonna want to stick with us once we’ve dealt with this shit, how do you suppose that three of us can locate and look after an infinite number of potentials?”

It has Giles taking his glasses into hand again, sighing onto the lenses and then rubbing with all his might. “I don’t know.”

“That’s it?”

“I’m sorry Faith, but yes. Locating the potentials is as far as we have gotten, I was rather hoping that you and Buffy may have some ideas to move us along.” Cue more blank looks from me. “Time is of the essence, I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of that.”

I want to sigh myself, but apparently I don’t have the time. Instead I turn my look to Faith, watching as she takes her bottom lip between her teeth in something resembling a pensive pose. Her hands running through her hair now as she searches for a solution that eludes the rest of us.

“Can’t the witches do that cloaking shit? You know, hide them from the council or something?”

“Pardon me?”

“Hide their essence, or whatever the mumbo jumbo speak is.”

He takes his time considering, but I know what he thinks. I know his looks. Right now his look is bordering on astonished. “I think you may have hit upon something Faith. We’ve been so busy considering how to locate the potentials, that the idea of hiding them hadn’t even crossed our minds.” Now his look is blatant approval. “Good job, very good job.”

He turns and walks from the room muttering unheard words to himself, no more words offered to us, just fixing his thoughts on what he can do next. Always thinking, always busy. I wonder if sometimes he just wishes for peace too, if that’s what drove him from Sunnydale the time when he had left us.

“You think it’ll work B?”

“Not a clue, I’m about as knowledgeable with the magics as I am with the cooking. Which when you think about it, they both involve ingredients and mixing, so it’s not so surprising.”

“Your cooking isn’t that bad.” She smirks as I come in closer, edging her back against the wall, my hands resting either side of head, pinning her in.

“It was great thinking though Faith. And here was me assuming that you were just a pretty face.”

“Aw, you think I’m pretty?”

Her eyebrows are dancing for me now, her hands coming up to close around my back, the teasing circles beginning again across my spine.

“Pretty damn fantastic I’d say .”

“I like what you say.”

I lean the last inch forward to bring my lips to hers, my tongue tasting the flavour of minty fresh breath, my body feeling the force of being pulled hard against her. Hands grabbing tight on my ass, fingers sliding underneath the rim of my pants to spark my skin into instant arousal.

“Huh hum!” And oh look, Giles came back. “Sorry to interrupt the planning, but if you wouldn’t mind calling the witches down please, I think that we have some rather important things to be getting on with.”

He is trying to look displeased, but it just isn’t working. His eyes already alight with the plans which are forming in his own mind. Direction given courtesy of Faith.

“Sure thing G, though I have to tell ya that my good ideas flow much better when I’m in the process of getting some, you really shouldn’t interrupt.”

“If that were the case Faith, you would be a genius when it comes to ideas.”

And even in my semi-morose state I have to laugh a little at the pose she strikes now, not sure whether to be injured by his words, or preening herself with the insinuation that she is always often getting some. In the end she settles on wounded with a big slice of smiling. “If I wasn’t such a good person Giles, I’d retract my idea and leave ya with nothing. As it is I’m gonna go rustle up the witches instead. I bet they give me the appreciation I deserve.”

“I’m sure that they will.”

My smile stays firm even as she blows out an extended sigh and turns to go to the stairs, the whole time talking about under valued, great ideas, and the interruption to her getting some.

“She really is something special, isn’t she Buffy?”

With her slayer senses, she can probably still hear exactly what he just said, and by the look in his eye I know that he knows that. He is just paying her the dues that she deserves in a way that she’ll accept without answering back with a joke or a cocky turn of phrase.

“Yes Giles, the specialist.”

He nods and smiles out his approval to me, his arm going behind my back as he turns and leads me into the kitchen, the table where the happy researchers sit.

“Hey Buffster, you’ve come to join us!” Xander puts down his book as I enter the room, taking any excuse to not be reading. “You sleep well, all rested and raring?”

“Ask her if they had good sex, we all know that that’s much more likely than them sleeping.”

“Thanks Anya, it was fantastic.” I pass my eyes over her to settle back on Xander. “And the sleep was good too. How about you guys, learn anything worth knowing?”

“The gestation period of a Yuungerma demon is twenty six weeks long, and their level of production is a minimum of ten offspring per litter…”

“Thanks Xan, worth getting up for.”

He gives me the thumbs up and returns to the book, sieving through all of the useless stuff in the hope of just one nugget of solidly good information jumping out to bite him on the ass. We both know that it’s not likely here though. That the only ones who can really do anything are the witches. It’s not demons we’re fighting, not this time.

“Where’s Dawn?”

Anya answers, putting aside her ‘Good Bride’ guide to point towards the door. “They went out shopping. Dawn was being effusive with the insufferable, so they’ve gone for retail therapy. It seems as if I’m not the only one who gets comfort from the exchange of goods for money.”

“Oh right… and no one thought to tell me they were going out?”

“Dawn said you wouldn’t mind. We assumed that you were still having sex, our bad.”

I let that one slip, not having the energy or the inclination to care about Anya’s over obsessiveness about my sex life. Caring only that Dawn had felt the need to get away from the house, from me. From Kennedy.

“Where’s Kennedy, still sparring?”

I train my ears to hear below, but I hear nothing.

“Yeah Buff, her and Angel have been down there for hours. Maybe she’s got a vamp fetish too.”

I shoot Xander the look that he deserves for that little comment, and turn to go to the basement. I know I’m meant to wait for the planning committee, but I just don’t wanna sit and stare at the books. I can always say that I was collecting Kennedy for the conference, that I felt it was important that we included her every step of the way. I smile at my cover story as I walk the steps down, coming to stop as my gaze falls upon them, what they are doing.

I go to speak, to say something, but Angel raises his hand to stop me. Quieting me with his eyes, insisting that I wait until Kennedy has finished. And so I stay quiet, observant. My breathing seeming to hear hers and falling into rhythm alongside it. Meditative breaths. Her body supported upside down on her hands, her eyes closed, her chest rising and falling in long steady motions. I think it’s the most calm that I have ever seen the basement. Her legs pointing straight up to the ceiling, nothing on her face except composed concentration.

And she is a hottie. I admit it. No longer feeling threatened by it, I can step back and appreciate. Noting without thinking the steady flow of her muscles under skin, the way that they strain in the position she is holding. Definitely hot. Both her and the position.

I don’t know what to say when she suddenly flips herself back to standing and catches me staring. Sure that she saw some obvious appreciation in my eyes.

“Buffy, you been there long?”

“Nope, just came down to grab you and Angel, there’s some things that we need to go over… maybe a plan, maybe an idea for a plan.” My words are coming out quick, and I pause to take a breath, to calm myself. “Are you finished down here?”

She turns and looks at Angel, nods a definite yes. “I’m starving hungry, is it okay to eat something?”

“Help yourself to whatever we have, I’ll be up in a sec, I just need Angel for minute.”

I watch as she walks the stairs, moving over to stand with Angel, to gather his thoughts on our newest sister slayer.

“So what do you think?”

“No time for small talk?”

I smile my apology, soften my features. “Sorry, I’m just all caught up in the crap of the moment. How are you?”

And now he smiles. “Better than I thought I’d be. I guessed that being back in Sunnydale would be hard, that seeing you so much would be hard.”

“And it’s not hard?”

Of course I know that it isn’t.

“No, it’s good. It’s great to see you happy, it’s great to see Faith happy. It’s even nice to be away from the city for a while. I like what we have there, but it’s nice to take a break.”

“Nice break, complete with demons and asses.”

He concedes the point with an agreeing nod of his head, rebukes it with his words. “A change is as good as a holiday Buffy, you must have heard that before.”

“I suppose. Not really sure that I remember holidays though.”

Again I flashback to my dream, to the peace and the tranquillity, to everything that was so many miles from what I experience everyday of existence.

“What was that you had Kennedy doing? The upside down thing?”

Because that had looked both peaceful and tranquil.

“Just meditation. She’s full of rage and anger, there’s no point in trying to spar with her like that, she’ll only hurt herself or someone else.”

“Why upside down?”

“She refuses to sit still long enough to meditate the usual way. At least that way she is working her muscles at the same time she is exercising her mind.”

I can imagine that she wouldn’t sit still for long. She has that edge about her. Jumpy from what she has been through, from having to keep watch over her shoulder. “What do you think of her, aside from the fighting side?”

“It’s hard to see below her bitterness Buffy. I’d be concerned about that, worried about her self control…”

“Like Faith?”

I don’t have to spell things out to Angel, he knows what I mean. That I mean the Faith that raised merry hell the first time around, not the Faith who lives here now.

“Similar maybe. Different drives though. Faith was driven purely by her feelings, a need to feel accepted and wanted, to make people notice her existence…”

“And Kennedy?”

“She’s just pissed as hell at the world. She wants revenge, justice. The power is still new to her, the responsibility that comes with it.”

“What do you suggest?” It feels so nice being able to defer to someone who has as much knowledge as Angel, someone that I trust to guide me along in the right direction.

“First thoughts would be to keep her away from the council when they arrive. She’ll shoot first and ask questions later,” Faith’s arm could vouch for that. “Once you’ve resolved the issues with them, then I don’t know. You could offer her a home here, but I doubt that she’d take it. She’s young. She’s full of passion.”

“So we just cut her lose, send her out with a cross bow and tell her to be good?”

“I could take her to LA.” The way that he speaks it tells me that he has been considering this one in his head. No sudden burst as if he has just thought of it, but measured tones, offering me a possible solution. “With Faith here now, we could use the extra hands, especially slayer hands. And I could work with her, try and get that spirit a little bit more controlled.”

He looks at me and awaits my opinion, giving me the time to consider what he has said. “In theory I like it, but that doesn’t mean that Kennedy will. We’ll try and keep her calm whilst we deal with the council, and then after that we’ll discuss her future. We’ll offer her a home here, and if she refuses that, then we’ll offer LA.” It makes sense to me as I say it, and I’m glad that I stopped to have this little chat. Putting another of my worries down to rest. “One thing though Angel… it has to be her choice. Nothing we do can make it seem like we’re forcing her… she’s had enough of that. Whatever she decides she wants to do, we have to support her decision.”

“That’s fine by me Buffy.”

We both look up as the door opens above us, as Faith comes into view on the stairs.

“This looks cosy.” She waves her hand between the two of us as she makes her way down. “Not interrupting am I?”

And all I can do is roll my eyes at her. “Yes Faith, god only knows what would’ve happened if you hadn’t come in just then.”

“Well girl, don’t let me stop ya.” Her face splits into a mega watt grin as she throws an arm around my shoulder. “Although Giles is getting all antsy with the wanting to plan. He’ll probably blow a gasket if ya take too long.”

“It’s okay Faith, I think that we’re done here.” I agree with Angel’s words, leaning my body back into Faith to feel her warmth, a stolen second before we ascend to the serious times above. Smiling as her arm leaves my shoulder to link her fingers between mine, pulling me over to the stairs.

I don’t know if the plan to cloak the potentials with magic will work, I don’t know if we’ll be able to tame and tether Kennedy’s justifiable rage and anger, but I do know that with the people who stand by my side, we have a damn good chance of achieving whatever we need to. It may not be the peace and comfort and Faith that I so desire, but it’s something, and something is so much better than nothing.

I drop her hand as we walk to the table that houses the team of willing participants, shaking off the fuzzy feelings to bring about the business persona. The one that says I’m ready to take action, that all I need is the direction to point it in. I’m just about to launch into a spirit lifting speech, words to inspire the result that we require, when a knock at the front door halts the words on my lips. An annoying thought flitting fast through my brain.

“Looks like Dawn forgot her key, I’ll get it.”

And if I had given much thought to that theory I would’ve dismissed it before I had reached the door, before I had pulled it open with a flourish to scold my sister for being so forgetful. I know she never forgets her key, I know that she would simply walk around the back if she had, and I know more than anything that shopping with her takes a hell of a lot longer than the time that she had been gone. I didn’t give much thought to the theory though, so determined was I to get back to my spirit soaring speech and planning. Nope. I opened that door with a flourish, and then I stood there with my mouth hanging open in shock. Not able to form words, not able to make sense of the vision I was seeing so much sooner than I was expecting it.

“Good afternoon Miss Summers, I take it that you have been expecting us.”

Quentin Travers. The council.

Oh crap.

Chapter 41

Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap.

“Miss Summers?”

Oh crap.

It’s the only thought that I can process. How totally and utterly crap this precise moment seems to be. I imagine that I look like something close resembling a rabbit caught in the headlights of an eighteen wheeler truck, but in reality I am sure that I look much worse. I feel much worse. All of my rage and anger towards this man seems to have been replaced by the complete shock of seeing him standing at my door so very much sooner than expected. Quentin Travers. And oh crap again.

I want to shout and holler, I want to throw punches that will land this man back in England before he can utter another word to me. Before he demands entrance to my home to unleash a train of events that I have no chance of even trying to predict. But I can’t. All that I can seem to do is to stand here feeling confused and dumbfounded. I try for words, I try for anything to make my mind work again, to stop me from appearing as blonde as my bottle of peroxide would suggest.

“You’re early.”

He looks annoyed at my obvious statement, his little weasel like eyebrows arching together in the middle of his face.

“Quite obviously Miss Summers.” The thumbs of both his hands coming up to tuck inside of his lapels. “It was decided that we arrive here as soon as possible. We were becoming concerned at your lack of progress…”

“Excuse me?”

“The rogue slayer has been on the run for an unacceptable amount of time now, all intelligence suggests to us that she has indeed made her way to this wretched little hell hole of a town, and yet she continues to evade you.” In my head I am squashing him underfoot. “We were assuming that you could enlighten us as to how this was so?” Just like a bug. A cockroach dressed in tweed.

Any shock that had momentarily rendered me passive has quite positively left the building. Seeing him here in front of me. Smelling him. It’s enough to have my stomach churning up a whole heap of sickness and distaste. It’s enough to remind me that I am a slayer, that this is the man who would happily destroy everything that we stand for, just for the chance to hold our power. To be the one in charge.

And I am the one in charge.

My eyes run over him derisively as I take the moment to compose my thoughts. Reminding myself of every crime I know this man has committed, but also reminding myself of the people who I wish to protect inside of the house. It would be no good to start a full out war now, when we have barely begun to prepare our battle plan. No. It would be much better to remain calm, to smile some dizzy compliance and fool him into believing that he is the man with all of the power.

“Enlighten you Quentin?” I let my shoulders slip to lessen my already non towering stature, turning my eyes to the floor in a sign of meekness. “We were hoping that the cavalry coming meant that you might be able to offer us a few pointers.”

Look at me all weak and pathetic.

The leader of the corrupt council has shoes shiny enough to let me see my reflection in them, and I study it now. Not trusting my acting abilities to hold if I have to look into his eyes. Just concentrating on holding the pose, being so much less than who I truly am.

“It’s apparent that you’re in need of some good solid leadership, it’s truly unfathomable that you haven’t been able to make any headway into this little search and find problem of ours.” My reflection moves in front of me and I realise that he has taken a step forwards, that he is assuming that entry will be afforded to him. “Now perhaps we can go inside and discuss this further, I don’t think that the porch is the correct place to continue this, do you?”

“Uh…” Think fast Buffy. “…you can’t come in.”

I amaze myself.

It seems I’ve also amazed him with my incredibly fast thinking and witty retorts. One of his thumbs leaves his lapel and travels up to his chin, his expression turning to one that you would give to a disobedient child. “Miss Summers, I’d rather hoped that your behaviour may have changed some, that you had learnt the value of giving respect to those whom deserve it.”

“I know, it’s really sad. But what can you do? I’m resigned to living a disrespectful life…”

“Quiet!”

I feel my eyes steel as he dares to shout at me. I may be playing at being less, but inside I am still so much more. He would do well to remember that. I’m just about to offer him these thoughts when a crash from behind me brings my head snapping round to search out the cause. All of my worry rising to the surface again.

“What was that?”

Damned if I know.

I wait out the seconds until I’m sure that nothing major is happening, turning again to face Travers, trying hard to cling onto the submissive mission before me. I can’t let him in, yet I can’t pound his head against the sidewalk. Life truly isn’t fair. I want to pound his head and then let him in. Soften him up for the punishment that I’m sure both Kennedy and Faith would be ready, willing and very able to give. I shrug my shoulders to show my complete lack of knowledge, affixing a ditzy smile to my face.

“Probably the cat, she’s always smashing up the furniture. Darn pesky animals. I wanted to get a budgie, but no. Dawn HAS to have a cat. Kids, what can ya do with them?”

I can see him getting agitated again, but really, not caring. As long as he buys into my lacking intellect and ditzy persona then everything will be okay. And for all he knows we do have a cat. We had a cat once.

“Perhaps you should satisfy my curiosity by letting me in. My colleagues and I are not used to doing our business in the street. It’s positively undignified.”

“Already told ya Quentin, no can do.” I shake my head in what I hope is a good impression of Dawn’s earlier dismissive Cordy flick. Preparing to add to the lies. “I have a hair appointment. It’s important that a slayer always looks her best, you never know who you might meet in the graveyard in the middle of the night.”

“You have a hair appointment?”

“Yep! Us Cali girls are all about the hair.” It’s surprising just how easy it is to slip back into a character that I used to play so well. Also a little scary.

“Do I need to remind you just how important this business is Miss Summers? How much damage a rogue slayer is capable of inflicting?”

“Oh lighten up old man!” I restrain myself from knocking him on the shoulder with a little of my slayer strength. It’s very tempting though. Very very tempting. “What difference is a few hours going to make? Besides, for all you know the rogue girl… Kennedy?”

“Yes, that is correct.”

“Well this Kennedy might be really into the hair care routine. Could be useful.”

And could I talk more crap? His eyes are staring at me with a mixture of rage and confusion. I’m sure he’s remembering his last visit here, wondering at where that girl has disappeared to. Let him think I left her in the ground. Let him think whatever he wants, as long as he leaves my doorstep. I can feel the tension sliding into me from the room behind. Can hear with my ears the holding of breath, the listening to of words. I know that I need him to go, and I can feel that it would be much better off being soon.

“I’m going to ask you once more Miss Summers, may we come in?”

“What, no please?” “His face is turning ruddy with displeasure, the henchmen standing behind him looking just as thoroughly impressed with me. “I told you Quentin, I have a hair appointment. Now if you leave me your number I can give you guys a call when I’m done, but until then you have to go. Please?”

I sugar sweet smile as I offer him my sarcastic plea, knowing as well as he does that he really has no choice. I may be acting meek and mindful, but everyone on this doorstep is well aware that if pushed I could take them all to pieces. One limb at a time.

“This is preposterously outrageous.”

Does he get paid per syllable?

“I was only going for a trim, you think that’s outrageous?”

“You’re trying my patience now.”

He huffs and puffs his way through a full range of derogatory looks, each one seeming to darken more as he realises that my tiny little bulk will not be making way for him. Eventually thrusting his hand inside of his jacket and producing a business card. Lots of numbers and email addresses. An office on every continent.

“Wow, I never knew that the council was quite so extensive. Been branching out Quentin?”

“The number that you will need is the field number.” He points out which one he means, an American cell number. “Make sure that your call is sooner rather than later, it would be in your benefit to work with us on this Miss Summers. I can’t be held accountable for what will happen otherwise.”

A cockroach in tweed with a head that’s as squishable as a grape. I centre myself on the vision in my mind. Not on the not so veiled threat that he has just issued to me.

“I understand.” My jaw aches as I aim for sugar sweet and stupid again. Plastering a smile to my face as he turns to go. My fingers digging into the doorframe with enough force to slide splinters into my skin.

“Good day Miss Summers.”

I do not answer. My performance is over. He will not recognise the ‘Miss Summers’ that he next lays his eyes upon. I watch as they all trundle down the steps, returning to a car that I have only just noticed. All big and imposing, tinted windows, really big rims. It reminds me of Kennedy’s story, the part where she was just a girl, and they were sick evil men. Pretending to be knights in shining armour rescuing her from a life of Mexican peasant poverty, but instead reducing her to mean nothing more than what she was worth as a possession to them. And wiping them all out still sounds like a viable option to me.

When the car has gone from sight I close the door and walk slowly back to my friends, my eyes flying wide when met with the vision of Faith straddling Kennedy, one hand across her mouth, the other hand fighting to keep her pinned to the ground.

“Have they gone?”

“Uh-huh.”

My gaze travels slowly around the room, the mere mortals cowering in the corner, and my girlfriend sat atop another woman. Angel is standing by too, only I’m not sure if he is planning on joining in and helping, or whether he is just there to play the voyeur.

“What the heck happened in here?”

I turn to Anya as her voice rings out. A little shaky. Uncomposed. “The crazy girl went crazy.” Her finger pointing at the obvious target of Kennedy, squirming like a worm on the floor. “Faith had to restrain her, I think she was going to kill someone.”

I bet I can guess who.

“Well they’ve gone now, so I’m thinking that Faith can probably unrestrain her.” At least I hope that she can. I’m well aware of the place that her groin is pressed against Kennedy’s midriff, and although I’m doing well in my squashing of pointless jealous feelings, this is one pose that I do not need to see. “Faith?”

“Can’t do it B, Ken said she’s gonna kick my ass as soon as she gets up, I’m protecting myself.”

“She did say that Buff. I think you should leave them down there… just till Kennedy uh… calms down.”

I ignore the pool of drool that is forming on Xander’s chin, and turn instead to the witches. “Guys, can you do something?”

“What would you like us to do?”

“I don’t know Tara… a separate-y thing. A restrainy, separate-y, magicy thing. You’re the witches, do something witchy!”

“OW!”

Huh? I flit my eyes back to Faith to see her holding her hand protectively to her chest and Kennedy smiling smugly beneath her.

“Fuck me! You bit my fucking hand.”

“I told you to let me up!”

“Fucking psycho!”

“Fucking bitch!”

When they both start laughing I wonder which dimension my brain has stopped off at today. Whether I left the sane part of myself in my idyllic dream time paradise. I keep on wondering as Faith jumps up and offers the hand out to Kennedy, lifts her up to standing with all talk of apology, and sorry she had to do that. Do what?

“Again, what the heck happened?”

“We were listening B, we heard who was at the door.” She leaves Kennedy’s side now to come closer to me, swinging out a kitchen chair and straddling that instead. Giving her eyes only to me. “Runt back there wanted to go all vengeful, someone had to keep her busy.”

“I’m not a runt, and they need sorting out. Why we have to wait to have a few hours chat about it is beyond me. We could have surprised them then, taken them out when they weren’t expecting it.”

“Taken them out?” Has no one explained the rules of engagement to our newest playmate?

“That is the plan, right?”

I’m seeing the same eyes that I saw on Dawn just a little while earlier, the ones which look at me as if they are daring me to disagree. To argue with her. And I will.

“No Kennedy, that isn’t the plan.”

She darts her gaze back and forth between me and Faith, her mouth spitting out her disgust. “You’re fucking joking? I thought you said you were going to help me, that you were going to protect me…”

“Calm down Ken,” Faith turns her chair Kennedy’s way now. “We are going to help you, but unfortunately that doesn’t mean we get to go all Mistress of Pain on the council.” She shrugs her shoulders at the girl, and I get to see just how ineffective a shrug can be.

“But what about what they have done…”

“Now Kennedy…” And now is not the time for Giles to become embroiled in the discussion. “…regardless of the council’s actions…”

“Don’t you start that crap with me!”

See. I knew it. Kennedy is in his face before he can compute her movement, her anger all directing one way now. Facing down the only visible sight of the council that she has to focus upon. Poor Giles.

“Uh… um…”

“That’s it? They kill my friends and you offer me an uh, and an um?”

“You want me to sit on her again B?”

NO!

“I don’t think that that will be necessary.” I hope. “Kennedy?”

She shakes her head as she turns to me, as if clearing her vision, reining in some of her bad thoughts. It’s nice to see that she can do it, that she has some kind of control. Her face isn’t exactly brimming with friendship, but she’s not killing Giles. It’s progress.

“Faith can sit on me if she wants to, it wasn’t all bad.”

Or not.

And I really want to ignore her leering looks. To put it down to the stupidity of the moment and slide right on by. I can’t though. Maybe it’s a build up of all of the pressure from today, the soreness of my dream, the soreness of Dawn, the crap of the council, but I can not carry on with a meek and stupid act any longer.

It’s me who moves before my actions can be computed now, up in her face where I feel destined to be. “I think it’s about time you cut the crap Kennedy, cos you’re flirting fantastically with a fist to the face right now, and it’d be such a shame to smudge your mascara.”

Although a little smudge does feel deserved.

“Are you threatening me?”

“B..?”

“No Faith, it’s okay. Kennedy just needs to understand some things.” I pull my shoulders back into a commanding position, breathe the life of the slayer into my veins, understanding every single tweak of muscle as my body fizzes with the power that it has come to know so well. “I get that you’ve had it hard Kennedy, really I do.”

Her eyes roll heavenward as she tries to find sight of me down her nose. “Screw you.”

“Let me finish.” Spoken almost as a growl. Absolute authority seeping from my every pore. Her eyebrows knitting in response, a little wary, a little confused. “You’ve had it hard, but so have we all. Look around this room, there’s not one person here who can tell you a tale of a rose tinted childhood. All of us know what it feels like to suffer, to lose the things that we love…”

“But…”

“I said let me finish!” And now a definite growl. “You came here for us to help you, and I swear that we’ll do everything that we can to make that happen. But I will not, and listen good here Kennedy because I absolutely mean this, I will not have you fucking about with my family. I will not have your self pitying vendetta against the world get in the way of the things that I hold dear.”

“Self pitying?”

“Yes, self pitying. So you lost some friends? Join the queue. You lost your family… well boo freaking hoo, seems we’ve all had some of that to deal with.” I can see the hate in her eyes, but it doesn’t stop me. “Nothing gives you the right to come in here and act as if you deserve special treatment. You don’t get in Giles’ face, you don’t get in Willow’s face, and you sure as hell don’t get in my face. Am I making myself clear?”

Complete and utter rage is boiling up on her face, and a part of me dreams that she will push me. That she will give me the opportunity to vent some of my feelings from the day in a satisfyingly violent way. I know that it’s a wrong thought, a bad thought, but I sure as hell can’t help it. The look in her eyes doing nothing to dispel the notion for me.

“Does that mean it’s okay to get in Faith’s face?”

Goodbye.

Just one punch. It’s what I tell myself as my arm leaves my side. Just one punch to shut her mouth, to give her the time to think about the things that she is going to say. Just one punch to ease my anger. And it’s a beautiful punch. My muscles singing out in sublime unison as they wield my power against her nose.

“Fuck B!”

“Buffy…”

I hear the outcry but it doesn’t matter. I feel a little better. And I can always rely on Anya to offer a sound bite to soften the serious.

“I think that her mascara is still in tact, but you might have broken her nose. Great punch Buffy!”

I catch Willow’s eyes and they have gone completely wide, astonishment soon replaced by a secret signal of thumbs up approval.

“See Faith? I told you that you wouldn’t need to sit on her anymore.”

“Damn B.” She shakes her head at me, but I think a lot of it is grudging respect for the punch. Like I said, it was beautiful. “Is she out cold?”

“Uh…” I nudge her a little with my toe, “…looks to be.”

“That was all kinds of harsh there, you could’ve just tapped her.” I offer an acknowledging nod as she comes to my side. Looks down at our fallen comrade.

“I could’ve done, but she would’ve probably kept right on going. Maybe she’ll calm down a little now…”

“Yeah, sure she will B.”

I have nothing to say. It’s not as if I can retract the punch, and quite honestly I don’t think I want to. Kennedy needed to be told. That she pushed me was her own fault. I didn’t ask her too.

“Perhaps you could move her onto the couch girls, and then we can get on with the commencement of planning. Time is even more pushed now, I suggest we get cracking.”

Get cracking? I thought I just took care of that.

I don’t say anything, I just take Kennedy’s feet while Faith takes her head. Trying to place her gently upon the sofa, easing her down with a placating look towards my girlfriend.

“Sorry I lost it there. Rough day, you know?”

“Ain’t me that’s gonna want a sorry, B.” She moves the hair from Kennedy’s face and studies her ballooning nose. A tiny smirk lighting up her features. “I’m just glad it wasn’t me who got you pissed. That’s one booboo that’s gonna hurt like hell.”

I study my handiwork too, and yes, it looks like it may hurt later. Luckily Kennedy has the healing powers of a slayer. Her nose might need them. It should stop her ‘fuck me’ eyes for a while though, I hear they don’t really look so good with swollen features.

Ooo bitchy Buffy.

I try and stop the bad thoughts by thinking instead of the business thoughts. Our lack of time to prepare for what will need to be done. Whatever that may be. “Do you think that we’ll be able to deal with the council before she comes back round?”

“Not likely, but we can give it a go. That was one meaty as fuck punch B, she’s gotta be out of it for a couple of hours at least.”

A couple of hours. Barely even time to get my hair done.

“I guess we should get to it then?”

“I guess we should.”

She gives one last faint touch to Kennedy’s swelling face. A little shake of the head, and whispered words of damn, punctuating the gesture. “You sure clocked her good B.”

“She kinda deserved it a little.” Or maybe a lot.

“Yeah… I get that.” She slaps her hand lightly against my ass as if to get me moving back towards the others. Or maybe as a small smack of chastisement. Either way it does get me moving, turning away from the sofa to try my hardest at making plans. Trying to ignore the clock. Feeling the weight of the embossed business card as it burns an impatient print against the seat of my pants. Time is precious, and for us it is running out.

I stare into the mirror and run my hands through my hair for the one thousandth time this evening. Nervous as hell and showing the signs. I’m not so sure why I’m so nervous, what it is that has me fussing about my style as if it really makes a difference. But I know that it isn’t fear. I do not fear them. There is absolutely nothing that they can do to me that I cannot return to them a hundred fold. But still, there is something. Little niggling, nagging worries that just won’t fade away.

They wanted the power this bad, and I have to wonder what they will do once they realise that the power is lost to them forever. I can’t imagine that they will be pleased about it, not one bit. I can’t imagine that they will offer the handshake of an English gentleman, and just turn and walk away. I do imagine that there are going to be repercussions… and that is where the worry lies. Just how far reaching the repercussions are going to be. Who else in my family is going to have to suffer.

When Dawn had arrived home with Cordy this evening, she had been in a much better mood, proving beyond doubt that Faith was right with her shopping fund instead of therapy fund idea. She squealed her way through showing me the shoes that had been bought for her, and then she squealed a whole lot louder when showing me the matching skirt and top that went with the shoes. There was lots of squealing. It didn’t hide the fact that there was still some sadness sitting in her eyes though, couldn’t hide the fact that she still had a head full of super sized apprehensions. I had tried to lift her spirits with whispered tales of Kennedy’s rapid descent from my fist, but even that could only bring a half sparkle to her eyes. Maybe her sadness is the real cause of my worry, my memory still so raw of the night that she had tried to call time on her suffering forever, wondering how far she can be pushed before she thinks about trying that kind of exit again. I couldn’t take losing Dawn .

There are lots of people that I could not bear to lose, but my sister sits firmly at the top of the tree. Losing her would be like losing mom all over again, the kind of pain that reminds you of it’s presence every morning upon waking… the time when your mouth actually opens to call out to them, your ears straining to pick up sounds of their movement down below. And then the realisation that you can never say hello to them again, can never moan about early waking on a Saturday morning due to excessive use of the vacuum cleaner. That they really are gone forever. Some mornings I can feel the pain of mom just as bad as in the very first moments. My throat constricting with the taste of bile, my skin clammy with the fear of what I was seeing. I couldn’t take the loss of my sister as well.

I wonder if I can take any of it anymore.

Looking into my own eyes and seeing the shadow of all of the things that they have seen, I feel a hundred years old. I may not have the wrinkles to prove it, but if you cracked open my body and looked at my soul, I’m sure that you could see exactly how aged I am. How exhausted.

“Buffy..?”

Her voice makes my gaze break away from it’s internal observations and switch to her instead, standing solitary in my room, a lopsided grin matching the sparkle of her eyes.

“Hey Tara, what’s up?”

“Nothing’s up, I just wondered how you’re going, how you’re feeling.” She comes closer as she speaks, resting when she is near enough to place a hand upon my shoulder. “That was some pretty big aggression earlier, it’s not like you to lose it like that.”

“She pushed me.”

“She’s just a girl. I don’t think she means to be quite so confrontational, she’s been through a lot…”

“No more sob stories Tara, please?” I walk over to my bed and offer her the seat beside me, making a grab for a pillow, something to hold onto. “It wasn’t like I planned to hit her so hard, it just… happened. I’ll…”

“Apologise?”

Eww. Do I really have to? But of course I know the answer. I have to apologise because we need the team to be together on this. Facing the might of the council is bad enough as it is, without making it harder by isolating the troops. Yep. Humble pie is on the menu.

“I will apologise for hitting her so hard.” I smile a little smile. “Not for hitting her in the first place though, she was pushing me. She knows what she was doing.”

She rolls her eyes at me, but she can not hide the amusement in them.

“You’re probably right. After her little show for Willow the other night, I’m sure she knows exactly what she was doing.”

“Has she come around yet?”

I expect that she has, after all, it’s been a few hours now since I rendered her unconscious.

“Kind of. She’s still a little groggy, feeling the effects.”

“Is she…”

“Yes. Faith and Angel took her down to the basement, Andrew’s there too. Once you’re ready we’ll do the containment spell.” I nod along to her words and wonder at how much time we have left. “We’ll be able to hear everything, but unless you need us, we won’t be moving.”

We’ve decided that for the meeting with the council it will just be Giles, Angel and myself. Kennedy needs to be nowhere near them, and Faith isn’t overly keen on not killing them either. And maybe that is why I’m so worried. Knowing that Faith will not be at my side when I face them.

At least Dawn won’t be here. Xander and Anya have taken her over to theirs for a sleepover, protecting my sanity the smallest amount by assuring me that whatever repercussions do occur, they will not be touching my sister. Not tonight.

“I wish I knew what to expect.” I fall back onto the bed as I speak, closing my eyes for a second until her touch rests against my arm.

“Come on sweetie, you’re gonna give them hell, they won’t know what’s hit them.”

“It’s what they’re gonna hit us with in return that scares me.”

The room slips into a silence that isn’t peaceful, the noises in my head making sure that I don’t have a second to switch off. The endless possibilities flitting fast through my already melting mind. I almost jump when she says my name, hearing it echo a few times before I remember where I am, and who is here.

“Sorry Tara, what did you say?”

“I said that there could be another way.” It’s words that have me rising from my reclined position, words which have me staring deep into her eyes. Eyes which are shifting around the room, fixing upon the door, skittish and uncomfortable.

“What do you mean, another way?”

“Maybe a spell… we’re uh, not sure.”

Her voice has dropped to a near whisper, her gaze as troubled as I have ever seen it. And I want to know.

“Tara?”

“It could be nothing, I wasn’t going to mention it… only, with the not knowing what’s going to happen, seeing you so worried…”

“Just tell me.” Her eyes catch mine, still doubtful. “Please?”

“Okay, but you have to promise not to jump all over it. Only… me and Willow have been researching our old texts, and with the tapping of Kennedy’s essence to locate potentials… we were just thinking…”

“Thinking what?”

“Oh goddess, I don’t even know if it can be done.” I am so darn confused, and yet she still looks so much more so. Her head dropping, her hair falling to cover her features, her voice reverting back to the Tara of old. Stuttering unsurely. “I don’t kn… know if it ‘should’ be done.”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

I can’t take this much longer. I’ve never considered violence towards Tara, but at this precise second I can feel a slight leaning towards torturous interrogation. Just say what you have to say!

“It’s about the potentials. We don’t just think that we can find them Buffy…” Her head raises now, bringing the sight of her troubled eyes back to mine. “…we think that we can activate them… we think that we can ‘make’ slayers.”

Holy freaking hell.

“Say that again?”

“It’s the essence, we think we know how to release it into the potentials.”

She falls silent and settles for staring at me, but I am silent too. We have only just found out that there were such things as potentials out there, now finding out that we have maybe the possibility of the ability to turn them all into slay girls… it’s mind boggling madness.

“Buffy?”

“Sorry, I just… oh my god Tara. Are you sure?”

“Not sure. Not positive. But with Willow’s abilities..?”

I know what she means. With Willow’s abilities, it is sure enough. “Holy cow.”

I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to say. I barely know what to think.

“Does anybody else know, have you spoken to Giles, Faith?”

“We thought we should talk to you first. Faith is fantastic, but over excitable, and Giles, well, we worried that he might want to do it just to see if we could.”

“I’m sure that you could.”

My absolute belief does not bring a smile to her face. In fact she looks almost upset that her and Willow could harness this level of power. “What is it Tara, what’s wrong?”

“I’m worried.”

We should maybe start a club.

“Because of Wills right, you’re scared that the magic might hurt her?”

“No!” That does make her smile. “I have no worries there, she’s doing great Buffy, you must be able to tell?”

“She certainly seems better balanced.”

“She is better balanced.”

“So the worries…”

“Right. The worry.” I prepare my shoulders to carry more burden, to ease whatever woes she may have. “It just seems like an extremely big liberty to take, it seems to me that it would make us almost as bad as the council…”

“Huh?!” Because really. “Take me through that again?”

“Think about it, what’s the difference between the council taking them away from their families, and us turning them into slayers? Kennedy said she was taken at eight, imagine being a slayer at eight.”

No thank you.

“It’s why we weren’t sure about saying anything Buffy, we don’t want to end up doing something that we don’t believe is right.”

“Wills feel the same?”

She nods her head, and I believe her. “So why are you telling me?”

“I don’t know.”

I rise from the bed and start the ritual pacing. Trying to work out what this means to us, what it could mean to us. How it could change my future. “But you really think that you could do it?”

“Yes.”

Her head drops again as she says it, and I stop my pacing to approach her. Not having a clue what we are going to do, but determined to impress to Tara that I will suggest nothing rash. That she was right to tell me.

“Hey, come on.” I drop to my knees in front of her, reaching out my hands to rest upon her legs. “You were right to tell me Tara, you’ve done a good thing.”

“It doesn’t feel so good.”

“That’s because you’re over worrying. At least now I know that we have a fall back plan, that if the council decide to push it, then we have a way to ultimately beat them down.” She raises her eyebrows at me, not looking completely pleased that she has provided me with the plan. “And I promise you, no decision about what to do will be made without you. We wouldn’t ask something of you that you didn’t want to do. I wouldn’t ask that of you.”

It seems as if my words are what she needed to hear, because now she finds that Tara smile for me again. So soft and gentle. Such a loving smile. “I believe you Buffy. I trust you.”

She leans forward and places a chaste kiss atop my head, using the motion to pull herself up from the bed, to stretch her limbs out. “I should probably get back downstairs, make sure that Kennedy isn’t hitting on Willow in my absence.”

“If you’re worried, I could hit her again?”

She tinkles out a little laughter, flashes another glimpse of that lopsided grin. “Maybe you shouldn’t. I think I can handle it.”

“Well if you do need me, my fists of fury are more than ready.”

She keeps on smiling as she leaves the room, pulling the door shut behind her. Leaving me with oh so much to think about. So much more to think about. Not plagued by worry of the council now, but plagued by worry about what I should decide about the potentials. I meant what I had said to Tara, I wouldn’t force anything upon them that they didn’t want to do, but I still have to make a decision for myself. An opinion to offer to the others, a point of view to share around.

That we could have a hoard of slayers, hell, an army of slayers… it’s a pretty euphoric kind of thought. Dismissing the negatives to think only of the positives, then it becomes one of the most euphoric thoughts that I have ever had. I mean… I could be finished. I could retire. I could dictate my hours of slaying, instead of the hours dictating me. And sure I would help with anything really big and bad, perhaps as a battle consultant or something, but the rest of the time I could rest. Perhaps on a beach, perhaps at sunset, and perhaps in the arms of the woman I love.

And then there are the negatives. The slivers of doubt that Tara had slipped into my mind as easily as the splinters from the door frame had slid into my palm earlier. Could we really knowingly activate children as slayers? Could we knowingly choose to activate anyone? The chances of any given potential ever coming to realise the extent of her hidden powers is ridiculously slim, and life is surely better that way. Could I stand at the front of the room and advocate taking that life away? Could I really be that selfish?

Can my mind really take much more?

For the moment it is saved by the door opening again, by Faith coming into view with her hair held up in a ponytail. She hardly ever has her hair up, it looks cute. She looks innocent.

“Hey girl, it’s nearly rumble time, you feeling up for it?”

“Getting there, I think.” I go back to sit on the bed, smiling as she pulls herself up behind me, her legs placed either side of mine. “You still not wanting to join in?”

“I don’t think I should B.” A sigh falls from my lips as she runs her fingers through my hair, starts weaving strands into a tiny braid. “I swear as soon as they start acting up, I’d be desperate to hurt them. It’s been a tough journey back to here, I’d hate to screw it up because of them.”

“I understand.” And I do. As much as I would give anything to have her at my side, I get how hard it would be for her to rein herself in. “You’ll just be down below if I need you, I know that.”

“Sure will be. But hopefully you won’t need us. Maybe they’ll do the decent thing and just fuck off.” The way she says it lets me know that she believes in that kind of outcome just as much as I do. It’s sweet that she says it though, that she’s trying to be so positive. Especially when she doesn’t even know about the ace that I hold up my sleeve, the talk of a spell that would surely end the council’s dominance over the slayer forever. And I want to tell her.

I want to whisper into her ear the secret that is whizzing round and around in circles in my brain. I want to discuss the possibilities, the downfalls and the highlights, I want to know what she thinks. I want to hear that it’s not completely wrong. That maybe, just maybe, the possibility of a happy ending has become a whole lot more possible. I can’t tell her though, not yet. I have to know what I think before I can begin to contemplate what it is that she thinks. And then there’s Kennedy to consider now, surely she will have to have an input, and Giles… probably everyone. I think I understand why Tara was so reluctant to say anything.

“What ya thinking B?” She tugs at the little braid she has made to get my attention. My mind working quick to cover my wayward thoughts.

“Just what to say, where to start. I don’t like Quentin Travers, I almost can’t wait to see him squirm when we tell him that we know.”

“Don’t take your eyes off of him B.” She starts untwiddling the little braid now, straightening my hair back out. “A monster that size is bound to carry a sting in it’s tail, keep watch for it.”

Her concern is as cute as her ponytail, softness seeping through the cracks of her business like tone.

“I’ll keep watch Faith, any sign of stinging tails and I’ll scream as loud as I can. I scream, you come. It’s a plan.”

“You scream, I come?” I nod my head. “It’s usually you coming when you scream B.”

And softness has gone, cute has gone, and innocence has sure as hell gone. Now there’s only husky and the definite feel of her fingertips creeping down across my head to slide across the expanse of my neckline. Looking for a way in, an entrance under a top that sits tight against my skin.

“Is someone feeling a little horny still?”

“I’m always feeling horny still.” I lean back as her touch becomes more insistent, a gasp escaping my throat as her hand slides straight under and around, her fingers closing firm around a nipple. “What about you B, are you horny?”

If I wasn’t, I am now. A moan slipping from my throat in response to her insistent touches. Arching back further as her other hand slides under my top to join in the fun. “Wait Faith, we don’t have time…”

“There’s always time for loving, B.”

If only. Instead there’s more noise at my door, a solid knock against wood. “Girls?”

Giles.

I reluctantly straighten myself up to sitting again, silently cursing as Faith’s hands slide from my breasts to my shoulders, just the innocence of a massage. “Come in Giles.”

And he does. All dressed in best in a suit, and looking officious. “Right, I think it’s time that we get into our positions, the council are due in an hour, I’d hate to be caught out by them again.”

“Not gonna happen Giles.” I offer Faith my disappointed eyes as I raise from the bed, holding my hand out for her to pull up on. Loving, it seems, will have to wait until later. For now I only turn back to Giles, slipping my slayer persona firmly into place. “They will be the ones caught out this time, the ones on the back foot.”

“Yes, that would be the plan.”

I can see the whisper of worry in his eyes, can hear it in his tone. It makes me wish that I could share my secret with him as well, could reassure him just how much power we really do have in our corner. But no. Not yet.

“Well let’s get to it then, is everybody else ready?”

“Yes. The girls and Andrew are down below, Angel is in the front room. It’s just you and Faith that we’re waiting for.”

“Okay. We’ll be right down.”

He looks as if he isn’t sure to leave us, perhaps worrying that we won’t make it from the bedroom. A valid worry. I wish. Eventually turning to go with words like, be quick, and, do hurry.

“This is it then B, time to cut the apron strings for good.”

“I should of done it years ago, I never should have gone back to them.”

“You didn’t know.”

“The clues were all there Faith, the council have always been less than admirable.”

She agrees with a solemn nod. “Too right. And now you get to tell them that.”

It’s my turn to nod now as I go to the door, calling on all of my strength to wrench it open. To not just barricade myself in here with the feel good factor of being with Faith.

“Hey B?” I find her right behind me when I turn to face her, her eyes smiling as she drops a soft kiss against my lips. “For luck.”

And so I return the gesture. Maybe with a little more passion, a little more hunger, but then she does look so damn adorable with her hair all tied up like that.

She’s smiling even larger as I break away from her lips, pretending to fan her face gently from all of the heat. “Damn. I guess I must be really lucky.”

“No, just incredibly cute.”

“Whoa, first pretty, now cute? I’m gonna start thinking that you have a bit of a thing for me B.”

I want to call her an idiot, but I don’t. I listen instead to the sound of Giles huffing and puffing his impatient way back up the stairs. Knowing that the banter has to come to a close. “I’ll tell you all about it later Faith.”

“I can live with that.”

She shoots me a little wink as Giles comes into view, uses her voice to tell me to get a move on, apologising to Giles for the few seconds overtime we had taken. And I straighten my shoulders even more. My mind is still swirling, tossing up endless possibilities that I have yet to consider, but also flowing now with the promise of the later. Perhaps considering the selfish thoughts a little harder as I realise just how much I want the later to last forever.

Peace and comfort and Faith. It’s the hardest possibility to dismiss.

Chapter 42.

POV Buffy.

We sat in tense silence while we waited for the council to arrive at my door again, not exchanging looks, not exchanging words, each of us occupied by thoughts all our own. I’d seen Giles fervently wiping at the sparkling clean lenses of his glasses, had witnessed Angel staring off into a deep unknown, and again I had wanted to share the information that Tara had given to me. I am used to carrying burdens, I am used to my shoulders bearing down with the weight of the world upon them, but this was something that I did not want to carry alone. It was too big, too large a secret for just one girl, even a girl with the strength of a slayer.

As the minutes ticked by, my tongue was crying out to become loose, my fingers knotting in front of me as I considered again all of the things that this could mean. Not only for me, but for me and for Faith, for our family. For the whole damn world. A world of infinite evil, patrolled by an infinite number of slayers. It seemed fairer, it seemed right, it seemed as if it was something that could balance out the odds a little. Perhaps tip those odds straight into the favour of good. And how can that be wrong?

Maybe that was the hidden meaning of my exquisitely torturous dream, maybe the PTB were showing me the way that they wanted me to go, offering me the little glimpse of a future I could embrace if only I took the opportunity presented to us now. We could have an army in every corner of the globe, we could beat down evil wherever it rises, we could put a chokehold on the very cause of all evil. We could win once and for all. Forever.

I imagined myself at the front of the room advocating that very process. How I would look into each of my friends eyes and explain to them, no more. No more sadness, no more suffering, we can live now, we can just take our time and live. I imagined holding Dawn in my arms and expressing the same, being able to assure her that happy endings really do exist, that she would no longer have to be the poster child for bad things happening. She could breathe. She could be as free as the rest of us. It was every secret dream that I had ever had, it was every secret wish, every deep down desire. And it was still so very wrong.

Tara’s words were ringing heavy in my ears still, the look of absolute trust that she had given to me when I told her that no decision made would be a rash one, that I would never make them do something that they thought of as wrong. Would she be able to forgive me if I had lied to her, would I be able to forgive myself?

“Buffy?”

I don’t know how many times Giles had called my name, but by the time I looked up at him, his face was wrapped in fatherly concern, a little worried frown dominating his features. I tried to smile to reassure him, knowing that I could offer something so much better than reassurance if I only opened my mouth and spoke of what I knew.

“Are you quite sure that you are up to this?” My smile becoming tighter as he walked over to me, biting my tongue to stop myself from shouting out. “If you would prefer that I dealt with the council myself, I’m sure that I could manage.”

The words had broken Angel out of his own silent reverie, concern also present in his gaze as he nodded along to the sentiments that Giles was offering. “It’s okay Buffy, if it’s too much, then we can do this for you.”

It wasn’t that they thought I was weak, that I needed protecting, it was because they know that beneath my tough talking words, and shoulders of steel, I am just as vulnerable to hardship as any normal girl. Both men have seen my vulnerability, and both of them love me enough to want to protect me from it. It’s just a shame that I couldn’t spell out to them what it was that had me feeling quite so vulnerable. Not the threat of the council, but the knowledge of a secret that I would eventually have to give direction upon.

“No.” I had risen from the chair and fussed at my hair again, affixed the perky smile to my face, made my eyes shine with strength and leadership. “This isn’t a job that anyone else can do. I may not be the only slayer anymore, but I am the original, the one that they have jerked around for the longest. I want to see the look in their eyes Giles, I want to see how they look when I take back my power, when I take back Faith’s power, and especially when I take back Kennedy’s power.”

“If you are sure?”

“Believe me, I couldn’t be surer.”

About that I was certain. As much uncertainty that I had about the secret, I felt the complete opposite in regards to the council. I did want to see the look in their eyes, I did want to wipe the smarmy smiles from their self important faces.

“Just stick to the plan Giles, and everything will be fine.”

“As you wish.”

He had gone back to his glasses cleaning routine with renewed vigour, perhaps thinking through the part that he would play, the words that he would say. Angel wasn’t dismissed as easily though, for although I had lowered my eyes to continue my thinking, I could still sense his presence right before me. Making my head rise up, a questioning look gracing my face. “What?”

“I don’t know what.”

“Well you’re looking at me all pensively, there must be something.”

I had expected a smile, maybe a quick exchange of banter, but there was none of that. Just his gaze, penetrating me, making me feel uncomfortable with the secret that I was keeping. Held in place by his silent observation, and scared to open my mouth in case all of the wrong words came tumbling out.

“What is it Buffy?”

And damn. Did he really have to ask?

I thought about all of the arguments and answers playing tag through my mind, I thought about the safety that I had always found in Angel’s company, the surety, the security, and I thought about how eased I would feel if I could only speak the words. It would have been so simple to take him into my confidence, to gain the knowledge of all of his many years experience. Maybe he could direct me, maybe he could put me upon the proffered path marked freedom. And maybe it wasn’t his place to put me upon any path anymore.

I had shaken the thoughts of unburdening myself from my mind in the same way I had shaken my head at him. Assured him that really, there was nothing. Everything was just peachy. And then he had shaken his head at me.

“You don’t feel like sharing?”

I felt a lot like sharing, only I had known that he was not the one to share with anymore. The relationship that I have with Faith is so much more than anything I ever imagined I could have, but even so, it is still so young, so fresh, and I do not want to shake our early foundations by confiding in Angel what I hadn’t been able to confide in her. I know how I would feel if the positions were reversed, and I would never make the choice to have Faith feel that way. It meant that I could only offer him another empty shake of my head, an apologetic look that begged for him to back off, to understand that he wasn’t my confidante anymore.

“Sorry Angel.”

Dropping my eyes as he studied every emotion that was crossing my face. Perhaps still trying to see, to understand.

“I’m here if you need me. Don’t ever forget that.”

It is all that he said as he backed away, returning to his place by the wall, to his silent contemplation of the task that lay before us. I wanted to thank him for giving me the space, but I didn’t. I kept my head lowered and lost my thoughts again in the place that they wouldn’t be held back from. My ears keening in the quiet room to try and hear below me, to pick out the presence of Faith, to calm my turbulent spirit.

I think that by the time the knock at the door finally came I was lost within a trance, remembering all to clearly the feel of the sand as it crept between my toes, the feel of her hands as they wrapped me in a tight embrace, the feel of being finished. It wasn’t the best preparation, wasn’t the steely thoughts that I should have been thinking in the moments before answering the door on what was probably our oldest foe. And it took everything that I am to restrain myself from destroying him on sight, from ripping him to pieces for ever even imagining that he had the right to make our lives infinitely more difficult than destiny had already dictated.

“Good evening Miss Summers, I assume that it would be okay to enter now, that you have nothing else more pressing than your duty to take care of?”

“No, no, please Quentin, do come in.”

I felt like the spider offering refuge to the fly. Opening up my parlour with kind words and flattering faces, only to seek his doom upon arrival. It made me smile a little, it made me remember what I was here to achieve.

“Ah Rupert!” Just settling into the background as he remade his acquaintance with Giles, “It’s good to see you. I heard that you had recently returned here.”

Wanting to clap my hands together in glee at Giles’ sterling performance. Recognising the distaste on his features and yet proud of the way that he managed to keep his voice so steady and so even.

“Yes Quentin, you understand how it is. Those slayers need a watcher.”

Like a fish needs a bike. It was actually quite surreal to sit and observe the clasping of hands, and the clapping of shoulders. The goings on in the secret world of the watcher’s council. I bet that they have never experienced the solitude of destiny, have never lay alone at night wondering at being the only anything in all of the world. No, no way. They made sure that their own numbers swelled, that for every one of us, there would be a thousand more of them. Surrounding themselves in a bubble that I was waiting so eagerly to burst.

When Quentin Travers’ eyes had finally settled upon Angel, I knew that it was time to begin.

“What is ‘he’ doing here?”

“Oh, you know Angel?”

“Of course I know who he is Miss Summers, what I asked is why he is here?”

I had seen the little signal he had given to his henchmen then, the way that the four of them gathered around him as if he was something that needed protecting, something worthy of protecting. Just the thought made me want to choke.

“He’s here because I asked him to be here, which is a whole lot more than I can say for you.”

“We are here because of the rogue slayer! Believe me when I say I had no real desire to ever come back to Sunnydale, but the situation rather demanded it. Perhaps if you had fulfilled your duty properly, then it would not have been an issue.”

Oh yes. I had wanted to choke. Had wanted to wrap the strength in my fingers around the weakness of his neck, watching his eyes bulge as I spelt out in detail all of his inhumane crimes to him. That wasn’t allowed though, wasn’t right. Instead I was to try and keep things civilised, I was to tell him what we knew, but at the same time I was to try and not provoke. We didn’t want bloodshed, we wanted an end to bloodshed. We wanted to speak our demands and have them accepted graciously. I wouldn’t bite my tongue though, I wouldn’t hide from Quentin Travers again.

“Screw duty Quentin, and screw you.”

“Buffy…”

Giles’ warning tones had echoed across the stunned silent room, so I had turned to him to offer placation. “Sorry Giles, but please? If I had fulfilled my duty?”

What a joke. As if the council had any right to try and define what my duty may or may not be. Giles understood my feelings, and he smiled a little smile to calm my fraying nerves, straightening the tie that went with his suit as he turned back towards the leader of the council. “Perhaps we should all take a seat and discuss this properly.”

“Discuss this Rupert? Other than how we are going to track down the rogue slayer, I don’t see that we have too much to discuss at all. Miss Summers has made her feelings quite clear on the matter.” He sent a dismissive look of displeasure my way before pointing towards Angel. “And I quite simply refuse to discuss anything in a room with one of those present.”

“One of what, Quentin?”

“Have you really become as air headed as your slayer, Mr Giles? A vampire, I refuse to spend my time with a vampire. It’s an abomination, a total disregard for all that we stand for…”

“And what is it, exactly, that you stand for?” Angel’s tone was not threatening, there was nothing in it to suggest that a threat was coming, but still the henchmen surrounding my prey sought to remove wood from their pockets. Snarling worse than any beast as they ran their eyes over his form. It would be their first mistake of the evening.

I hadn’t lied when I said that it would be a different ‘Miss Summers’ that greeted these vermin when they next saw me, and in that moment I made the decision to remind them of the truth. I understood the game plan, the need to try and do this in a way which was non confrontational, and non violent, but they had just taken a very large liberty with my already strained hospitality. You do not come into my home and threaten my friends.

“Tell your flunkies to step down, Quentin.”

My voice had left no confusion over what I wanted, hard and brittle, as close to breaking as my non violent resolve.

“Tell your vampire to leave.”

And he chose not to hear it.

I had taken a quick look in Giles’ direction, seen the almost imperceptible nod that he had given to me, which told me he accepted what was coming, and then I was moving before the council goons knew what hit them. Hard and fast, the most effective way. My tiny bulk perfect for coming straight up between them, confusing them with the speed with which I could move, the gracefulness with which I could disarm them. Not breaking bones, not pushing the limit, but letting them know. Reminding them of just who exactly was the boss in this room. Who would be the one issuing orders.

“Now I’ve taken care of that, why don’t you have a seat Quentin?”

Me the one wearing the smarmy smiles as I held my arm out towards the sofa.

“A seat?” He had cast a fraught gaze over his now prostrated men, met my eyes with astonished bewilderment. “What on earth was the meaning of that?”

“Oh I don’t know, could be a culture difference thing. Assholes make me grouchy.”

“Quentin, I do think it would be best if you took a seat now, perhaps your men could wait outside?”

Giles waded in between us to try and diffuse the situation before we achieved nothing. Perfecting his concerned look as he tried to usher the council leader towards the sofa, taking large steps over the recovering forms of the humbled henchmen.

“Mr Giles, my men will not be going anywhere without me. We came here on the understanding that you would be cooperative when it came to tracking down the rogue slayer, now I see that that is not the case, I shall be taking my leave.” Icy cold eyes flicking quickly to me. “There is more than one way to skin a cat Miss Summers, and there is more than one way to catch a slayer.”

I didn’t like his tone nor his words. I chalked it down as his second mistake of the evening. “Tell me, ‘Mr Travers’…” Feeling the power of his flinch as I walked right into his space. “…how many ways are there to skin the leader of a corrupt watchers council?”

And bam! I saw it flit fast through his eyes. Complete understanding. So many different emotions playing out across his face. First shock, and then fear, and then a smile which reminded me of the deep depravity of Warren. The insanity. The belief that even though we thought we held all of the aces, he still believed that he would be the victor.

“Corrupt? Would you care to explain that comment?”

“Would you care to take a seat?”

I mimicked his condescending tone, the raise of the eyebrows as he did make his way over to the sofa. “I’ll take a seat, but I demand explanations. Need I remind you that as the head of the watchers council, I am, in fact, your superior?”

There was something so off about everything. His pompous attitude in the face of my display of strength, his total calm and relaxed demeanour. I had expected a little fear, a hint of resignation in his voice, but there was none. All that he was exuding was confidence, and it reminded me of my earlier worry. Faith’s caution.

“Well take this as my official resignation.” I sat down across from him, vowing not to move my eyes for a second. “I won’t be working for the council anymore Quentin, not in any form, ever again, so I think you’ll find that your superiority is kind of debatable right about now.”

“Stupid girl.”

“Sticks and stones.”

His weasely eyes narrowed upon me, his hand going inside of his jacket to retrieve his cell phone. “Unfortunately for you, this was a pre-empted move.” Sliding the cover down, pressing a few of the buttons on the keypad. “And what about you Mr Giles, should I take this as termination of your employment also?”

I wanted to catch Giles’ eyes and offer him my strength, but I refused to take my gaze away from the evil sat before me. Wondering what it was that his fingers spoke of as they typed a message to god knows who. Thankfully Giles didn’t need my strength, his voice ringing out with all of the authority that he has always possessed.

“Yes Quentin, please take this as my resignation also.”

“Right you are. A foolish decision, very foolish, but it’s always been noted how your affection for your degenerate slayer has clouded your mind when it came to making sensible decisions.” I watched him shake his head in mock sadness. “It’ll be a shame to lose you again.”

“Yep, boo hoo.” Making him look back towards me. “Now that we’ve gotten the pleasantries out of the way, how about we make a start on that corruption?”

“There is no corruption in the watchers council.”

“That’s not what Kennedy says.”

Again I didn’t get the reaction I expected. “Ah, Kennedy. How is she?”

“Traumatised. Pissed as hell. Wanting to seek justice.”

His eyebrows knotted in the centre of his head as he settled himself back into the sofa. Still sickly smiling, still unsettling. “Is she ready to return with us?”

“D-uh, hello! Didn’t you hear what I just said?”

“What you said is of no consequence to me Miss Summers. As the official slayer it is her duty to be bound to the council. You may also like to note that I am legally her official guardian until she turns eighteen, and therefore I shall be demanding that she returns to us.”

“Demand my ass. I think we all know why you’re her guardian, not a pretty story.”

“I’m not in the business of telling stories, I am in the business of issuing orders. Now the rogue, where is she?”

I could feel Angel prickling across the room in much the same way that I was. To hear that man speaking about the things he had done in such a blasé manner was beyond sickening, and I could feel my resolve steadily shattering.

“So it is all true then?”

Giles’ voice broke through my silent plan of attack, drawing all of our attention back his way.

“I do believe you’ve just retired Mr Giles, I don’t see how this is relevant to you anymore.”

“Oh for gods sake man! Just answer the bloody question!”

“I will answer what and when I feel like it.” His voice was so calm, so detached. “As to whether the council has seen fit to amass potential slayers for advanced training and preparation, then yes. It was long ago decided that we needed to be forearmed, that reaching the girls as young as possible was the best direction to take in grooming them in the way of the slayer.”

“But your methods…”

“Our methods are no longer your concern. This is the fight against evil Rupert, not a playground scuffle. We use whatever means necessary.”

Whatever means necessary. A philosophy I wanted to adopt.

“It’s inhumane… it’s criminal…”

“Oh do stop blathering.” I noted as he looked down at his watch, looked across at his henchmen, back to me. “Now if we could get back to the whereabouts of the rogue slayer?”

I could sense his tail unwinding.

“I will not be telling you where Kennedy is.” Could feel the power as it washed over my body, no longer dormant or held back by a need to act ‘correctly’. “You’re finished Quentin, your whole messed up council is finished. The things you have done, the things that you have allowed to happen, it’s all wrong. It goes against everything that a slayer is, that a slayer stands for.” I had risen from my seat, was standing before him looking down, feeling inside as if I was towering above him. “And it will not be happening anymore. Ever again.”

“You think that you can dictate to me?”

“I know that I can dictate to you.”

Again he dismissed me with a look to his watch. “Your confidence is misplaced. The slayer only exists as a weapon to be wielded by the council Miss Summers, I know that you believe we are impotent without you, but on the contrary, I think you will find that we are the ones holding all of the power.” He rose himself from his seat then, standing before me, still content to smile. “Slayers are and always have been replaceable, the council has existed forever. Already we have the power to locate potentials, and now we have the ability to assure that one of our potentials will be the one called. Tell me, how long do you think it will be until we can activate all of the potentials at one time?”

Oh crap.

That phrase had broken straight back through to the front of my mind again. Tara’s words smashing fast into my consciousness.

‘We don’t just think that we can find them Buffy…we think that we can activate them… we think that we can ‘make’ slayers.’

So it seemed that the council were flirting with that thought also, and I could never imagine that they would have any of the moral drawbacks that we would have. Not caring about the consequences of their actions, just caring that they had been successful, that their aim was being achieved.

I do not know how long my silence stretched out, but it was Angel that eventually spoke my name, bringing my eyes back into focus upon the sickly smile before me.

“Yes, that’s right Miss Summers. Soon we will have a whole army of disciplined slayers, and I don’t think that even you with your annoying longevity would stand a chance of getting to us through them, do you?”

His longevity was all that I cared about, welcoming the anger as it flooded my system, letting the rage wrap itself around each of my limbs. He would pay for his crimes, and he would pay by whatever means necessary.

“I wouldn’t do that if I was you.”

The worm pre-empting my strike.

“And why would that be?”

“Because right now your house is being surrounded by a team of specialist field agents. Because I have two very highly gifted warlock waiting to reduce your existence to a pile of dust.” He looked not only at me, but at Giles and Angel as well. His sting all encompassing. “I want the rogue slayer Miss Summers, and I want her now.”

I wanted a simple life. Nothing was ever that easy.

“Are you threatening me?”

“I believe that I am, you would do well to take note.”

There was something that I didn’t know. I could feel it as sure as I could feel my fury, the sense that there was more, that his threat of field agents and warlocks was not all the poison that he had in his tail.

“I told you that I wouldn’t be giving you Kennedy. I meant it.”

The sudden intrusive ringing of his cell phone made me almost jump in surprise. I was coiled so tight, so on the edge, so ready to let go. And he was still so fucking calm. Practically turning his back to me as he flipped open the receiver, spoke one solitary word to whomever was listening.

“Proceed.”

I couldn’t stop my eyes from flying to Angel, to Giles, trying to unravel the mystery with the strength of just a look.

“This is your last chance, where is the rogue slayer?”

“Go to hell.”

It was said so easily, with such feeling. What I thought would be the prelude to a fight, only being the prelude to a stiff knock on the front door, another of the sick smiles distorting Quentin’s features. “It would be in your best interest to answer that.”

I was about to repeat the phrase, maybe offer him directions to the hell I wanted him to visit, and then I heard her voice. Pathetically weak, soaked in tears, and seeping through the door to reach me. The real sting in the tail.

“Buffy? It’s me. Please, open the door?”

“Dawn?”

What the hell?

Call it a sucker punch, because it sure had me suckered. I had met his cold eyes for just one instant before I turned to the door, vowing with my glance to kill him in cold blood if even one hair had been harmed upon my sister’s head.

And she looked okay. If okay can be considered effective when you’re a teenage girl being held in the grasp of a gun wielding ‘field agent’.

“Let her go!”

“Now, Miss…”

“I said, let her go!”

I do not like guns. I have never liked guns. They kill without discrimination. They do not take the time to judge, to consider the possibilities of any situation, they are killing machines pure and simple. And right then, there was one pressed tight against my sister’s neck, making her eyes bulge, her tears run freely. I could see the trust in her gaze that I would come to her rescue, but more than that, I could see the fear that maybe I wouldn’t. That she would be gun fodder.

“I offer you an exchange.” His words sounding foreign, sounding ridiculous. He wanted me to trade Kennedy for Dawn? He wanted me to accept this? “If you hand over the whereabouts of the rogue, then your sister will remain unharmed and we shall be on our way.”

Underestimating me was his next mistake. His biggest mistake. And maybe underestimating him, was mine.

I had thought that I would scream, that I would bring into action the plan of earlier, that when I screamed Faith would come, and with her she would bring the witches and Kennedy. They would be no match for our force. But it didn’t happen that way. Instead it was me who was hearing screams from down below, sudden screams, screams of shock, of injury, of anger.

And then all hell broke loose.

POV Faith.

We had sat in silence and listened to all of the fucked up words from up above us, the witches providing us with surround sound technology, no need for fancy speakers, when we had all of their words beamed directly into our ears. Sitting there getting angrier and angrier, knowing without question that there would be bloodshed somewhere here today. I had recognised as B edged closer and closer to the edge of her resolve, the tightness that had crept so surely into her voice, the calmness that had remained in the voice of the asshole that had caused all of this shit to happen. And I had pleaded with the witches.

“This is bullshit, you have to let us out of here.”

“Buffy said that she would signal us if she needed us…”

“Fuck that Red, she does need us!” Pacing around the basement like a caged up tiger, hearing my prey but not being able to see it. “Let me out!”

She had cast her little worried look over to Tara, giving some stupid shrug as if that would pacify me. I couldn’t even look at Kennedy, I knew that if I caught even a sniff of her bloodlust, it would be enough to have me pounding on the witches to get me out of here, and fast.

“Let’s just calm down, wait and see what happens.”

And I could never pound on Tara. I had let her words reach me for a while, throwing myself back down as I was forced to listen to the bullshit of Quentin up above. His disregard of B, of me, of all slayers. His demands that Buffy should give up the ‘rogue’ slayer.

When he had spoken of his warlocks and field agents, I had turned again to Willow. “Well?”

And again she had shrugged, shared another look with Tara, and implored me to wait.

Maybe warlocks weren’t such a big deal to them, being all down with the mojo, but the thought of a bunch of highly trained wizards, waiting to turn my girlfriend to dust, was a little more screwy for me. It took everything I had to remain silent, to hear what more was happening. To set a grim line across my mouth as Buffy had been directed to go to the door. My knuckles cracking when I heard Dawn’s voice, my look no longer questioning when I had turned my eyes to Willow that time.

“Let me the fuck out!”

Growling. Absolute fury flowing from me to her. And I think that I had her. Think that she would’ve let me out, would’ve released the binds that held us, if only she had had the chance. But there was no chance. The only thing I remember is the sound of breaking glass. My eyes flying wide as the windows that ran across the top of the basement all broke inwards, as the unmistakable sound of gunfire filled the echoing walls of the basement.

“Everybody up, hands above your head!”

We didn’t know who the fuck was shouting at us, only that it came from the same windows as the gunshots, and that they came in a coarse English accent. The council. The sting in the tail that I had warned Buffy about, proof that Quentin Travers would not do the decent thing and just fuck off. Using guns was about as indecent as things got in my mind. The cowards way out. Making someone scream, making Andrew cry.

And I did the only thing that I could right then, my hands going above my head in a gesture of surrender, my eyes trying to count how many barrels were pointing down at us, wondering how fast I could move, if I could disarm them all.

“Guys, stay calm, we’ve got this.”

Willow whispering her words into the fearful void, her eyes steady with belief as she sent silent signals to Tara. They had this? Well thank fuck for that.

I didn’t know how they had this, but I trusted their words. I know that Red’s one mean mother when it comes to the magic, and I had seen before the lengths that she could go to when protecting those that she loves. For a brief second I pitied the council goons, and then I counted the seconds until I could join in the fight. Seeing the shield as it went up around us, a shimmering gold force-field, humming with the power that the witches possessed.

“Put your guns down.”

Red’s voice issuing a stern command.

“Put your hands up!”

A little smile spreading across her face as the gunmen ignored what she said. As they fired again into the basement to get us to comply with their wishes. My own smile spreading wide as their bullets bounced uselessly against the side of the shield.

I kinda thought that that would be it. That they would give up, that Willow would let us out of the basement, and that I could then go and collect my pound of flesh from Quentin Travers. Some fucking chance. I’d forgotten about the council warlocks for a minute, been dazzled by the power of our own witches. And then the basement had started to shake. An earthquake style shuddering making us all fall back to our knees, making Red and Tara thrust out their hands to bring them together…

“Looks like show time sweetie, you ready?”

“Let’s fry them.”

A whole fucking light show exploding from the ends of their fingertips. I didn’t have a clue, not one fucking clue what was happening. I was powerless. A little scared. Hunching back into the wall with Kennedy and Andrew, feeling the slayer wanting to go fight crazy, but having nowhere to direct the feeling. All that I could do was watch.

The ends of the guns all glowing red, screams from the people holding them as they became too hot to hang on to. A couple fell through the windows, disintegrated into nothing. And then return fire. Energy which shone just as bright as our girl’s sliding through the holes in the glass, exploding with intensity every time that they rattled against the shield that looked to be weakening.

“Can you hold that thing Red?”

My nervous words shouted out to a witch who was in no way listening. All of her concentration going into keeping hold with Tara, deflecting whatever it was that the warlocks were throwing at us.

“I want to go home…”

Andrew’s voice swung my gaze for a second, offering him what I thought might be a reassuring look, words of comfort. “Just try and stay alive.” Hoping that everybody was listening.

I had no fucking clue what was going on upstairs, what B was doing, whether she was under attack in the same way as we were, knowing that she had no power packed witches to be deflecting blows sent her way. It was driving me mad, I wanted to be at her side, I needed to be at her side. Screaming empty words of let me out, as the girls stayed focused on their task. My mouth eventually closing as I saw Tara drop limp in front of me, saw Red glance down at her before going completely rigid. Her arms stretching out in front of her, her head thrown back. Unknown words being chanted, a chilling wind blowing up around us.

I had no fucking clue, but I was damn right fucking afraid. Tara was down, Red was unreachable, Andrew was sobbing, and Kennedy was lights on, no one home. I had to risk it. I had to take the chance and try to break free, I had to get the fuck out of there. Climbing the stairs to the door, ignoring the burning sensation when I wrapped my fingers around the knob, wrenching it back with a scream, and hollering when it ripped free from its hinges.

I didn’t wait to see if anyone followed me, I just made my way to the front room, my blood boiling with hatred, my sights fixing upon one man, taking in the whole picture, but resting solely upon him. It was easy to know which one he was, stood confidently with his goons, more guns in sight, a helpless Dawn held firmly in one guy’s grasp.

“You fucking asshole.”

Stalking him. My movements quiet, non alarmist, but stalking him all the same.

“Ah, Faith. What a displeasure it is to meet you. Please, do take a seat.”

I caught Dawn’s eyes and offered a wink, caught Buffy’s eyes and offered a smile. “It’s world war three down below Quent, and my girl’s on top…” At least I figured she was. “…maybe you should be the one taking a seat. You can unhand Dawn while you’re at it.”

“I was just explaining to Miss Summers that I would be willing to exchange her sister for the whereabouts of the rogue slayer, now it seems we know where the rogue slayer is, that deal has become rather irrelevant. Wouldn‘t you agree?” He didn’t wait for my answer, just offered a nod of his head to one of his gun carrying bitches, sent down yet another order for my extermination. And it’s a good fucking job that I’m quick.

I recognised the look in his eye, the dismissive glint I had seen in so many eyes before his, and I moved before he had a chance to even think about it. Dropping to the ground and rolling, coming to rest at the feet of the asshole holding Dawn, cracking his knee with my elbow, making them both scream, pulling him down to the floor. I had no plan, no words to shout at the others, I just trusted that they would be backing me up. Buffy, Angel, Kennedy. Hell, maybe even Giles. The room exploding with gunfire like the basement before it, no time to take stock, just time to keep moving. I saw Dawn take cover in the corner, I saw Andrew emerge from the stairs to take a bullet to his body, dropping as fast as he had risen. I saw Kennedy join the fight, her limbs just as agile as mine and B’s, her moves just as fluid. The punch of earlier forgotten, as the three of us fought side by side. Not stopping until the explosion of bullets had ceased, until the only sound left ringing thro ugh the front room was the scream of Kennedy’s anguish, her burning rage, her call for justice.

“Ken… let him go.”

Maybe I knew that she wouldn’t, but I had known that I had to try. We’d disarmed every fucker in the room, and every stupid fucker that had tried to follow them. Not killing, that wasn’t our job, but rendering them useless. Taking away their cowardly weapons and leaving only the option to fight with their fists. Not surprisingly, none of them took it. Just sitting or laying where they had fallen, some casting their eyes towards Kennedy and Quentin with paralysing fear. I guessed it must hurt to see your leader reduced to nothing but a quivering rag doll in the hands of a vengeful slayer.

“No Faith, he has to pay.”

Her words left no room for argument, but I tried again. I understood too well the consequences of what she was about to do. Not defending herself, not forced into action, but about to commit a murder in cold blood. I appealed to her, Buffy appealed to her… but she only shook more as our voices spoke up. She kept looking down at his head in between her hands, the way that her fingers were braced and ready to turn. Her brow sweating, her breaths coming in short violent gasps.

It had felt like the end. The crack that split our ears from down below reminding us suddenly, and with force, that this was not the only fight still raging. My mind flew to Willow and to Tara, turning to face the basement again, to go below to help if needed, frozen in my spot when the space of the door had filled with a shape. The shape of Red supporting her girl up the stairs, stopping at the top and placing her gently on the floor.

“Red…”

“It’s okay Faith. I dealt with it.”

I had no fucking clue again. Didn’t ask how she had dealt, what she had done, just smiled and pointed towards the front room. “We could use your help in here.”

“Yippee.”

Her sarcasm obvious, but not harmful. Her tired eyes widening as they fell upon the scene that greeted her. Dawn now held in Buffy’s arms, Andrew bleeding and being tended to by Giles, and Angel trying to talk down Kennedy, her hands still held tight around the head of that piece of crap Travers. “Never a dull day, right Faith?”

“You said it. Can you stop it?”

She ran her eyes that way again, her mouth starting to move with unknown words, some more of the mumbo jumbo that she seems to wield so well. And again I thought that it was over, that she would stop her. But she didn’t. Or she couldn’t. The way that she tells it, Kennedy’s rage was too strong to restrain, her power to raw to be deflected. I just remember the fucked up howl Kennedy gave as she twisted his head in her hands, the sickening pop as his neck broke, the sound of flesh ripping as she tore it clean from his falling torso.

“Holy fucking crap.”

The curses not mine, but B’s. The shock belonging to everybody. The field agents had been stunned into silence, eventually rounded up and placed in the basement until Giles could get to deal with them. It was one hell of a mess. A fucked up fucking mess.

I let it all go on around me, barely speaking, barely moving, until finally, now, Buffy was stood in front of me. Standing there and shining, looking like my saviour, her fingers reaching out to tuck a little piece of hair back behind my ear.

“Hey, you sure took your time getting up here.”

“You never screamed, Red wouldn’t let me out unless you screamed.”

“You okay?”

No.

“Yeah.” Slipping my eyes away from hers. “What about Dawn, she okay?”

“She will be. I still can’t believe they did that… I can’t believe they took Dawn.”

“They’re evil.”

“That’s an understatement.”

I nod along as she tells me about how they had taken her sister, watching the house, and following Xander’s car when he had left. It seems that Quentin had pre-empted our plans, had guessed that we had the newest slayer already under our protective wing, and he was not prepared to let her go. I wonder if he had been prepared to lose his head over it.

“What the fuck are we gonna do with Ken?”

“I don’t know Faith. Angel has her upstairs, talking to her…”

“Right. That’ll help.”

Although I don’t know if it will. I hope that this is her anger vented, that this one act of vengeance will be enough to calm her rage, to let her lay her demons to rest.

“Hey…” Her fingers slip between mine, warmth against my skin. “…are you sure you’re okay?”

And no again.

“I’ll be cool B, it’s just a lot to handle. Man, I knew this was all bullshit, but what the fuck?” I try and think of how to say it. “They wanted to kill me again, they would have killed all of us.” She gives me the gentlest little smile in reply, a tiny shake of her head.

“Well they didn’t manage it, did they?”

“No, but…”

“No buts baby. Andrew’s got a little girly flesh wound and other than that we’re fine. Wills obliterated the warlocks and the leader of the council is currently missing his head. Stop thinking.”

Stop thinking?

How the fuck do you stop thinking?

“How?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you could try kissing me.”

My eyes travel around the decimated room, pausing on bullet holes in furniture, upended sofas, general chaos. “You think it’s appropriate?”

And smiling at her laughter.

“When have you ever worried about appropriate?”

Good point.

“Come here.”

My arms going out to encircle her body, feeling the silent shakes as she quivers under my touch. “What about you, are you okay B?”

She goes to nod yes, but then stops herself, takes one huge fucking breath and blows it out as a sigh. “I don’t know. I don’t think so, but then I don’t really care. We can do okay later, just now, just for this minute, just kiss me Faith. Please?”

And I can be happy with that. We’ll do okay later. Not as good as the other kind of later that I was looking forward to, but it will do. I can live with it. All that I want now is the promise in her lips, the reassuring touch of her mouth. We have so much shit to sort through, so much of what happened to still understand. But as far as this moment goes, it is over. We won. And I want to taste our victory.

Chapter 43.

POV Faith.

I know what it’s like to hit rock bottom. To go to sleep every night with the hollow feel of desperation grinding a hole through your guts. To have every pillow case you rest your head upon, drenched through with the bitter tears of disappointment. Wanting so bad to wake up and have it all be a horrible nightmare, but instead, only ever opening your eyes on the same old sorry story that is your existence. Yeah. I remember exactly what that feels like. The panic in believing that you’ve kissed your only chance goodbye, that the shit that you’re wallowing in is gonna be your shit forever.

And damn. I can’t help but feel sorry for her.

The first day after the shambled showdown, all that I had wanted to do was to pound on her. She was so fucking defiant, so full of the exuberance of beheading an ogre.

“But you killed someone!”

“I. Don’t. Care.”

Her shining eyes haunting me just as much as her words. It was like she had almost expected us to get down on our knees and praise the fucking lord that she had done what she did.

“I neutralised the threat. You should be thanking me; I only did what you and Buffy were too scared to do.”

As fucking if.

I had stalked around the kitchen in front of her just dying to get in her face, my fingers itching to dish out some slayer style, power packed punches. It was all so fucking painful. I had stood in exactly the same place as her, my boots had marched their way down the same path marked bullshit, and watching her trying to commit the same stupid mistakes as me had me filling with intense fury. In truth, the only thing that had managed to hold me back had been Angel’s quiet words. His reminder that attacking her at this time would only push her further away from us. We needed to accept what had happened and then make her accept it. Easy as that.

The next couple of days had been mostly uneventful. She had lost the look of crazed and manic, had even stopped with the shaking a little bit. There were no more words though. Her eyes had switched to dull and her conversation wasn’t any better. Just grunts. Stupid fucking shrugs of shoulders and gazes which centred on the same slice of ceiling for hours on end. I voted that she’d had a breakdown, that maybe what she’d done had sent her totally over the edge, but then Red had poked her thoughts a little and assured us that her mind was definitely in working order. She was just hiding. Taking a moment. A moment that lasted three fucking long days.

I’d stayed well out of the mix during that time. Much happier keeping watch on a comatose slayer, than dealing with the aftermath of what had happened. Leave that to the thinking men, the guys that wanna know how the council’s gonna be disassembled, I just care that it’s gone. That there’s gonna be no more evil dictating the legacy of the slayer. This is our gig now, our rules, our way.

Sure I’d caught snatches of conversations when I’d wandered my way through their midst to go get a soda, or when I’d interrupted their thoughts to switch on the TV, but it was all just words which meant very little;

‘We’re gonna try and get the Angel Investigations thing off the ground…’ Blah, blah, blah… ‘Giles is gonna deal with the remaining structure of the council…’ More blahs… ‘Gather resources, recruit good watchers…’

And on and on it went. I’d voiced a curse of concern at the whole watchers thing, but really I was happy to stay well away. Buffy has been wading her way through the thick of it and I trust that if I need to know anything, then she will tell me. It works for me. And like I said, I’m much happier just keeping watch over the comatose Kennedy, standing at the side of the barrel and wondering when she’ll hit the bottom. Speaking endless sentences that she never has any answer to.

But today has been different.

Today I’ve felt her skittered glances when she thinks that I’m not watching. The little pause of eye contact when I had offered her some lunch. Today it feels like we might just get somewhere, like maybe someone is ready to give up the bullshit and begin to accept the truth. Those tapping fingers stilling on the bed sheets as another glance is thrown my way.

“You got something on your mind Ken?”

And how quick she removes those eyes from me.

A part of me still wants to ride her hard, remembering the sneers of the first few hours, the sound of a human head ripping from shoulders. But then I centre again on what this feels like and I remember everything that she doesn’t need.

“You know that if you’re ready to talk then I’m here to listen.” Fingers tapping again. “I’ve been where you are, remember? I get what you’re going through.”

I’ve already used this tactic to try and break through to her, the ‘oh look-we’re both cold blooded murderers’ line, but so far it’s gotten me nowhere. Usually a couple of grunts, never anything more substantial. It makes me think that I’m not cut out for this caring and sharing crap anymore than I used to be, but then if it’s a choice between being here and the downstairs planning committee, then here is where I’m at.

“How do you know it’s the same?”

Her voice makes my head turn quickly back her way. My eyes straining wide with surprise that she had spoken.

“Wow, it talks.”

“Fuck you Faith.”

“Don’t let B hear you talking that way, you know how well that will end.” I make my way over to the bed all the time that I’m talking, letting my cocky voice keep the situation normal. We’re not gonna chat about murdering evil scumbags and the consequences of that action, noooo; this is just your normal Friday evening pow-wow. Hanging out on Buffy’s bed and just shooting our mouths off. Uh-huh.

She doesn’t speak again and I lay myself on my back beside her, not too close, not threatening, but letting her know that someone is there. That I’m here for her.

“So how’s it going?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Course not Ken. Straight up, how you going?”

The rhythm that she’s making with her fingers on the bed is only getting faster. Like little angry stabs into the softness of the duvet. “I’m great. Just fucking great.”

“Serious? Cos you know you look like shit?”

“Are you trying to piss me off?”

“No.” Well, not really. I’m just trying to keep her talking. This is a breakthrough. “I’m just trying to find out if you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.”

“I meant what I said about looking like shit.”

The words make her turn her head my way, anger and defiance still lighting her eyes.

“And I meant what I said.” Maybe deepening a little to rage. “Fuck you.”

“Sweet sentiment, really.” I offer her my brightest smile. “But I’m still sticking to B. Maybe if I get desperate in the next few years I’ll give ya a call. Don’t go counting on it though.”

It’s fun to watch the fight go on across her face. All that wanting to strike out, all that wanting to play the game. Wondering which will win.

“It’s your loss.”

And there she is. Willing to play.

“You really think so? I’m thinking you’re a bit too bratty for me. Probably selfish in bed… I know the type.”

“Yeah? I bet Buffy does too.”

I flick my glance to her fingers, noting the sudden steadiness. The silence. “Not from me she doesn’t, I’m all about the giving.”

“That’s not what I heard her saying to Willow.”

Her eyes flash a welcome twinkle and I show some mock shock. As sure as I am that the sun rises in the morning, I KNOW that there’s no-one out there complaining about my skills. Some things just don’t happen. I’m keeping her talking though. Just showing her the way back.

“Bullshit. I got mad skills Ken, ain’t no-one arguing with that fact.”

“Who’s arguing? I’m just saying what I heard…”

I nudge her with my arm and pull myself up to sitting, not too close still, just close enough to observe her faces, what she’s thinking.

“So aside from hearing Buffy trashing my loving, you heard anything else?”

“Like what?”

“Like council stuff, what’s happening next stuff?”

And there go the faces. All the anger and defiance, the loss and the confusion.

“I don’t care about the council. Quentin’s dead. That’s all that counts.”

“You took care of that.”

“Yep.”

She turns her head the opposite way, denies me the sight of what flashes through her eyes. I just carry on talking. Not letting it lie.

“I don’t know much myself, too busy hanging with you. I know that Giles is planning a major coup, gonna go in there and take what’s good, get the knowledge and leave what’s bad.”

“It’s all bad.”

She keeps her head turned away. Her words of finality steeling back across her shoulder.

“You don’t know that, none of us knows that. If there is any good though, then Giles is the guy for the job.

Silence greets my belief in Giles. And again I go on talking.

“Then there’s the whole Angel gig. We’re gonna get that working for us here, and you guys are gonna keep it going in LA…” I pause as her shoulders stiffen. “…you are still going to LA, right?”

“Anywhere’s gotta be better than here.”

I used to think that too.

“You’ll be surprised how much it grows on you.”

“The only thing growing on me here is the fungus.”

I nudge her again, this time with my elbow. “That’ll explain the smell then. Wicked gross.”

“Funny.”

“More like funky. You do know we have bathrooms?”

She doesn’t answer, but throws her head back my way. Angry again, still defiant.

“Can’t you just fuck off!?”

Tempting, but no. Her words make me drop my joking tone, my easy shift of shoulders. My resolve and stance stiffening, but my eyes gently softening. I remember her feelings so well.

“Not gonna happen Ken. I know where you’re at and I’m not going nowhere.”

She holds my gaze.

“Anywhere.”

“What?”

“You’re not going anywhere.” Her voice is hushed, her eyes unsure. “Otherwise it’s a double negative, it would mean that you were going somewhere.”

“Right.” I shrug off her correction. Whatever. “Well I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”

I know that she wants to tell me to ‘fuck off’, some more. Can feel the buzzing from her body as the force inside argues to be let out. But her eyes don’t move. So I don’t move. Keeping my gaze firm upon her face as she looks for whatever it is that she needs to see.

Can she trust me? With her life. Do I want to help? Abso-fucking-lutely. Does she need the help?

And there’s the stumper.

I know that she does. It’s why I am here. But does she believe it?

I try and keep my eyes steady, opening them up, letting her see, remembering every bad thing, every misdeed. Take a look Kennedy. See just how bad it gets…

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

She shifts herself up the bed to sit alongside me, her head dropping down to investigate the sheets between her legs. ‘Boston Check’, I want to inform her, but I don’t. I just sit and I wait.

“Okay. I don’t want you to go ‘nowhere’” She grins a little. I grin too. “Stay up here with me?”

“I told ya Ken, I’m not going ‘anywhere’”

And she grins a whole lot more. Not shifting the sadness that’s settled in her eyes, but at least she’s letting me see. Sharing her own demons.

“You ready to talk about it?”

“I hate talking.”

“I get that.” I touch her knee gently in a gesture of solidarity. “You do have to though, it’s like a rule thing; you can’t start healing till you spew up the sickness.”

No matter how bad the sickness tastes.

Her fingers strike up with the damn tip-tapping again and I want to tell her to stop. Want to urge her into speaking. Smiling when she does it all on her own, whispering down to the duvet.

“I know that I was wrong.”

“You do?”

“I think that I do. In my head I hear it was wrong… but…”

“But what?”

The silence of waiting hums steadily through the room. Her eyes meeting mine and showing the battle that’s raging inside. So many emotions and all of them fighting hard for dominance.

“Fucking hell!” She balls her fingers up into fists, pounds a punch of frustration down onto the bed. “It felt right. It FEELS right!” Placing my hand on her arm to steady her anger. “Inside Faith, it doesn’t matter what I know, what you tell me… inside I’m still screaming in victory.”

Yet she doesn’t look so victorious.

“You’re sure about that?”

She shakes my hand loose and crosses her arms across her chest. Holding them tight about her. “Yes.”

“I don’t believe you. I think you’re full of crap.”

“Fuck you.”

“We’re back to that then?”

My body tenses in response to hers. Hearing the whisper of a challenge. Relaxing only when she raises herself up from the bed. Pacing footsteps across the carpet.

“I’m just telling you how it is! Fuck you if you don’t believe me!”

“Damn. I bet you spend a whole lot of time fucking yourself.” She halts, spins and glares. “Cos you don’t believe what you’re saying, anymore than I do.”

Rage coiling tight around her. My words prickling. Those same panicked breaths as in the instant before Quentin.

“You wanna throw down Ken? Is that it?” I pull my own bulk up from the bed. Getting right in her face. “Cos if you need me to pound the sense into you, then I can sure as hell do it.”

Matching her breath for breath. Mimicking the danger that sits in her eyes.

I bring my hand up to nudge her shoulder again, giving her a little push. A gentle shove. “What do ya say? Wanna rumble?”

Flexing every muscle for good measure.

“No.”

“No?” She shakes her head. Steps back into space. “Well stop acting like such a fucking idiot then and sit your ass back down.”

I meet her one last look, the final fleeting thought of combat. “Sit!”

Using my arm not to nudge her this time, but sliding it behind her shoulders to guide her back over to the bed. “I know this sounds like crap Ken, but really, you start spewing and it does get easier.”

“I was… spewing.”

“No, you were talking crap.”

I know that I’m pushing her, tripping all of her defences, but I damn well want to get in there. Want to know how she’s feeling, how I can help her. Tightening my grasp as she goes to shake away my arm again, bringing her down to sit.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

“For fucks sake Ken.” Releasing my hold to run my hands through my hair, flopping back on the bed in something like frustration. “Just tell me what the fuck happened! You have to know that it was wrong… Jeez, at least tell me that you’re a tiny bit remorseful?”

“You expect me to feel remorse for Quentin? You expect me to care?”

“Damn fucking right I do.”

“But what he did…”

“What he did was evil. What you did is cranking up a close second.”

I roll onto my side to gain a better view, not surprised to see her gaze locked onto the hands that still shake in front of her. More memories. More pain.

“It takes a while to shift the stains.”

“What?”

“It takes a while for the blood to come off.”

Her fingers ball back into fists and she rams them under her knees. Locking that gaze straight onto me now. “I told you, I don’t care about Quentin. If his blood stains my hands then I’ll wear it like a fucking tattoo. There’s nothing that happened to him that he didn’t deserve…”

Ignoring her words to catch her tears. Her eyes that look so lost.

“I’m not saying he didn’t deserve it Ken. I’m saying that you shouldn’t have done it.”

“Right. I should’ve let him get away with what he did… forget my friends, my comrades… he should’ve just walked away.”

It pains me to say it.

“Yes.”

“That’s not…”

“Fair?”

“Right. It’s not right.”

Her eyes are pleading with me to tell her that she is right. That what she did is excusable. That it was the lesser of two evils. That she can walk away unscathed. And I can’t tell her any of that.

“Jesus Ken. Don’t you get it?” Moving from the bed again to stand in front of her. “We don’t get to make the call on right and wrong, we don’t get to balance the scales…”

“He had to pay.”

“He would have paid!”

“No he wouldn’t!”

God damn it.

Remembering with pain the feeling of hell. How it had crept inside of my senses, how it had held me down and tortured me with the knowledge of every bad thing I had ever done, every ounce of hurt I had ever inflicted. And damn right he would have paid.

I blow out the feeling that the memory gives me, the sickening stench, the sensation of failure. My sigh echoing through the silent room, making her eyes question me. Demanding answers.

“Believe me Ken, there’s places, places I hope you never have to go to… places I’ve been to. Quentin would have got his.” She rolls her eyes in dramatic fashion, dismisses my words. “Now you just have to figure out if you’re gonna get yours.”

“Whatever.”

“You think I’m joking?”

“You think I care?”

And again I want to pound on her.

“Why the fuck am I even bothering?” Her gaze asks me the same and I throw a look towards the door. Considering not bothering, the easiness of walking away. I can’t do that though, can’t let her hit the bottom without at least doing my best to pull her up. Straightening my shoulders to continue the onslaught. “Are you really that stupid to think that you’re something special? You think the rules don’t apply to you, that you can do whatever the fuck you want and damn the consequences?”

And she isn’t so sure when she meets my eyes this time. Not so cocky with her glances.

“It isn’t like that.”

“Screw you. You can’t kid a kidder, Ken.”

“It isn’t.”

And now it’s my turn to do the dismissive roll of eyes. Partnered with a sneer. Doing whatever it takes to bait her into dropping her walls. Just telling the truth like the damn truth is. “Sure it isn’t.”

“You don’t even know me Faith. Don’t talk to me like you think you know me.”

“You really believe that?“ A dangerous smile alighting my lips. “Because here’s the fucking beauty of it all; I was you.”

Slapping her in the face with the reminder that I know exactly what I’m talking about. You can’t kid a kidder. You can’t dismiss someone who has walked in your shoes.

“You think I don’t know what you’re feeling, that I can’t remember the taste of the darkness?”

“Shut up!”

“What, you don’t wanna talk about it?” My tone mocking her attempt to make me stop. “The things that are there when you close your eyes… the voices that make it okay, that tell you it doesn’t matter… whispering how powerful you are, how much better you are…”

“I said shut up!”

“You felt the power didn’t ya Ken? Holding pathetic little Quentin right there in your hands, knowing that you could end his life, that you had the strength to stop his heart beating, just like that…” I mimic the twisting of hands, the cracking of necks. “…I bet it feels really good, bet that victory party of yours is one hell of a funfest.”

Her breaths are going manic again, not just her arms shaking but her whole fucking body shaking. Her eyes routing around me to find a way of escape.

“No, come on, settle down girl. Let’s kick back and swap stories.” I lean against the door, an easy pose blocking her only exit. “Tell me how good it felt to rip off his head and I’ll tell you how fucking great it felt to slice and dice a harmless old scientist.”

And silence.

“You want me to start? Cos I can remember it like it was yesterday. Holding the knife in my hand, how little effort it took to slice through all the major organs…” No reaction. “…damn, maybe you wanna know how he sounded? How he looked? Is that where you get your kicks from?”

“Please…” It slides out a whisper, no more defiance in her tone, just weariness. “…can you stop? Can you please just stop?”

Not a chance.

“What?” I move from the door and return to standing in front of her. “I thought you were down with this shit Ken? Nothing matters right, killing humans doesn’t matter?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Sure ya did, cos believe it or not, Quentin was human. Doesn’t matter what he did, he was still what he was.”

I wait for the comeback, the argument.

“I know.”

My eyebrows arching in surprise. “Huh?”

“I said I know!” Not anger making her voice raise, just the desperate sound of defeat. “I know that he was human! I know that I was wrong! I know that I screwed up!”

And now I don’t say a word. I don’t need to say anymore.

“I couldn’t help it okay? It was just… I had him, right there… and I could feel it, how he was laughing at me… how he looked at me…” Her hands are stretching out in front of her, her eyes fixed and vacant. “…and I could hear you, I could hear Buffy and Angel… over and over, don’t do it. I knew I shouldn’t do it, I knew I should’ve just let go… just dropped him. But I couldn’t… just one twist. Just one twist to make him stop, just one twist to make him feel how much he hurt me…”

She stiffens up as her voice breaks, crossing her arms back across her chest. “I know how wrong I am Faith. I know how bad this feels… I just had no self control. I knew that it was wrong and I couldn’t stop myself… I just couldn’t stop myself…”

“It’s okay.”

My voice is hoarse and I choke to clear it. “You’ll be okay.”

Her head not lifting, her eyes not meeting mine.

“I know what it’s like to not be able to hold back Ken. I know that feeling, that rage… and I learnt to control it. You can learn too.”

“That’s it?”

“It’s all I can give ya.” She looks up at me and still she looks lost. I try to give more. “What you did Ken, that was bullshit, crazy shit… ain’t no use in denying that. But it’s what you do now that counts. I stood in your shoes and did it the hard way, reached the bottom and dug down for more… don’t go making the same mistakes as I did. Don’t pretend you don’t give a shit.”

“What difference does it make?”

“It makes the world of difference.” I find another sigh as I settle back down onto the bed beside her. “You can learn self control, but no-one can teach you to care. You said that you know you were wrong, well cling onto that. Nurture it. What you don’t do is go walking around here as if you’re something special, as if killing in cold blood makes you some kind of super warrior. It doesn’t.” I lift up her hands, take them in mine. “All it does is make you a murderer Kennedy, and there is nothing special in that.”

I don’t know if holding onto her hands will let her feel the honesty in my words, but I hope so. Hope that she will be able to take something from my truth and make it count.

“I’m sorry.”

“You what?”

“I said I’m sorry. I’m such a jerk.” Her head is shaking as if she can’t believe how much of a jerk she has been. “I never… I just…”

“It’s pretty hard admitting you fucked up?”

“I really fucked up.”

“You really did.”

I let go of her hands and she runs them across her face. Her breath no longer coming in panicked gasps but in long drawn out sighs. And this is the Kennedy I have been waiting to see. The reason that I pushed and pulled at her defences, the reason that I kept my compassion hard and resolute. You can’t take baby steps around murder, it doesn’t work that way. I learnt that in a dingy, dark, rain soaked alleyway. Maybe she will take the easy option and accept it now.

I watch as her posture seeps down into humble. Observing in silence as she wipes at a stray tear creeping out from the edge of her eyes. Sorry is just a word. You can say it a thousand different ways and it still means nothing… but real sorry is something that you can’t ever hide. The pain that wraps around tired eyes, the hopeless hunch of weary shoulders…

“Yeah. You’re gonna be just fine.”

I say it as I think it, my arm reaching around to offer comfort, to back up my absolute belief in her chances of redemption. My eyes changing direction as the door to the bedroom opens.

“Oh…” And there’s my girl. “…not interrupting anything am I?”

I don’t move my arm and she doesn’t move her gaze. Not quite scorching me with its intensity, but pretty damn close to burning. “Because if I am interrupting, I can go away again, come back later?”

And fuck me she’s gorgeous.

Her gaze wrapped in cuteness as it flits back and forth over my arm holding Kennedy. Keeping her smile in place the whole time that her mind is no doubt jumping to all sorts of crazy explanations. Yeah. My girl has green eyes for a reason.

“Nah B. You stay. I’m just imparting some wisdom on the young.”

Smiling as she closes the door behind her. Her head cocking to the side. “Oh yeah? And how’s that working out for ya?”

“Turns out I’m kind of wise.”

Wise enough to know how much I love her. Wise enough to pick myself up from the bed now to greet her on the carpet. Not throwing myself into her arms like some sapped out movie script, but freezing in front of her. Just feeling her presence.

“I knew that already Faith.”

“You did?” She nods. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Your ego is hard enough to manage as it is. Why fuel the fire?”

She is the fuel to my fire. I offer a grin as my eyes drop her gaze, as they start the lazy journey down across the smooth line of her neck, sliding along her jaw line and up to her lips. Perfect pink lips. Wanting to groan as her tongue peeks out to tempt me the last step forwards.

“Right. I think I’ll go… uh… maybe get some food.”

Groaning instead at the reminder of Kennedy.

“It’s okay Ken, you’re cool.”

“No, you two hang out, I’ll go find Angel…”

She looks so uncomfortable and I think to let her have her way. Alone time with B would be kinda nice. There’s something been a little… off, or something, with Buffy the last few days. Not off, off. Not like being an ass… but something. Like she’s thinking even more than usual… like there’s sadness in her eyes for reasons that I don’t know of. That I want to know of.

I don’t get to give my approval though, because the girl in question speaks before me, denies me the alone time that I so very much want. “No Kennedy. Stay.” Stepping around me to stand before Ken, straightening her shoulders out. “Angel’s gone for the night and besides, I wanted to talk to you.”

“You did?”

Kennedy looks about as surprised as I am. Buffy’s made no real effort to be near her at all since the other night. Staying with the planning crew, hanging with Dawn.

“I do.”

“Oh.”

“Hey, don’t look so shocked. I know this is a few days late, I’ve been kinda busy dealing with the decapitation aftermath… but about the punching…”

Her tone is doing that always perky thing. No matter the sitch, it keeps on bouncing.

“The punching?”

“Right. I punched you for running your mouth off and acting like a brat.”

I wonder if this is the prelude to an apology.

“Oh. That. It’s forgotten.”

“No. I don’t want you to forget it.” Maybe not an apology? “What I did was wrong, I accept that. You had me pissed and I let my emotions control me. I’m a slayer, I should know better…”

I watch Kennedy’s face. See the understanding that’s going on there. Look to Buffy and marvel at how damn smart she can be. I know what she’s doing.

“We all make mistakes?”

“Exactly, Kennedy. We all make mistakes. Then we accept them and then we make amends.” They lock eyes and I try to follow them. “I’m sorry I hit you, it won’t happen again.”

“Thanks. And I’ll try not to be such a brat, it’s hard sometimes… I blame it on my upbringing.”

“I blame it on your age. You’ll grow out of it.”

And how has she got to where I was with just a few simple words? It’s taken me days to get more than a fucking grunt out of Ken, and now B is number one gal pal after, ‘we all make mistakes’? I need to work on perky, maybe it’s the perky.

“So how are you bearing up?”

“I’m okay. Kind of. Faith’s been helping…” Her voice has snuck back to unsure again, her head nodding softly up and down. “…I guess it’s nice to feel understood. Like I’m not alone.”

“You have no chance of that Ken. You need to put in a written request to get alone time around here…”

“No.” She straightens up again, gives meaning to her words. Her hand tapping a steady beat against her chest. “In here. I mean in here… when they killed my friends I thought that that was it. Me against the world. And now… not so much, now I don’t feel so alone.”

“You’re not alone Kennedy. I promise you that.”

And maybe it’s not perky. Maybe it’s just Buffy. A quality she has that makes people listen, a need to believe in what she says.

I leave my consideration behind when the door opens again, Tara creeping in with the phone receiver held tight in her grasp.

“It’s Dawnie, she wants to know if she can stay over with Cordy?”

“She doesn’t want to come home?”

“They’re leaving on Monday, Buffy, she wants to spend some quality time…”

“Does she have bedclothes?”

Tara shrugs and speaks back into the phone, repeating to us what Dawn says;

“Cordy is lending her a T-shirt and she’s getting a manicure and please, please, please can she stay?”

“Okay, okay… tell her I’ll call later. And don’t forget to floss!”

We watch as the news is relayed, as Tara ends the call with a smile, telling Dawn to have a nice time.

“She’s sounding happy.” Speaking with confidence, knowing what the words will mean to Buffy.

“It’d make a nice change.”

“Just give her time, she’s gonna be fine.” Tara tosses the phone easily onto the bed, smiling when it lands near Kennedy. “What about you guys, anybody want anything?”

“A soda would be good.”

“You’re kidding me B?”

“What?” She breaks her gaze from Tara to throw confusion my way. “Is there something wrong with wanting a soda?”

“Jeez, after the week we’ve had?” She still doesn’t get it, so I look to spell it out. “It’s Friday night, we’ve been through hell, the kid’s just let us know that she’s staying out and you wanna drink a soda? It’s wrong.”

“I’m tired.”

“Nah-uh. More like dull.” I wink at her disgruntled face, passing my eyes to Tara to find a comrade in arms. “Tara’s gonna have a beer with me, ain’t ya T?”

“I am?”

“Hell yeah!”

She offers me a lopsided grin, a quick sparkle of her blue eyes. “I suppose I could have a beer or two, just for relaxation purposes. It has been a tough week.”

I turn to catch Kennedy’s affirming nod. “Right then, that’s three beers and a nice tasty soda for Buffy.”

“Wait… I’ll have a beer.”

“You sure you can handle it?”

God, I love teasing her. Narrowing my eyes as she tries to stare me down, blowing her a kiss when she flips me the bird.

“Four beers please Tara.” And laughing out loud at the tone in her voice.

“Fuck B, I love it when you’re playing pissed.”

“Who’s playing, F?”

Damn right I love it. The energy that sparks across the room, that makes my throat raw with anticipation.

“Right... okay… that’s four beers then?”

That makes my subconscious growl as the spell is momentarily broken.

“Thank you Tara.”

Or not.

I try and calm my libido by counting the seconds that it takes her to return, maybe the idea that she was leaving Kennedy stuck between us making her move even faster, bringing the beer back as quick as if by magic…

“Willow is just finishing her homework, then she’ll be up to join us.”

“Thanks Tara.”

We all offer appreciation as she hands round the refreshments, my fingers popping the top as soon as I catch it, drawing long, hard and deep from the liquid inside. No words for the moment. Just each of us sitting here and lost in our bottles, private thoughts enforcing the silence. When Buffy starts to speak, I have to shake my head to clear my mind, making my ears hear.

“…didn’t really know what that was all about. What about now? Are you feeling better?”

And she’s talking to Tara. Magic talk again, questions about what happened down there in the basement. Why she collapsed, what Willow had done. And I’ve asked her myself a couple of times.

“It was nothing. I wasn’t strong enough to channel the power, those warlocks were pretty fierce. Willow just took what she needed…”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“What do you think Buffy, wouldn’t you be?”

“Me be?”

“Exactly. If Faith and you were in a fight and you were weakening, if she could take your strength and finish the fight… wouldn’t you let her? Wouldn’t you force her to?”

I meet Buffy’s eyes and raise my bottle in salute, absolutely knowing that she could take anything that she ever needed from me, her return raise of beer assuring me of the same.

“Well I wouldn’t let anyone take MY power, no chance. I don’t care who they are, it’s not gonna happen.”

I can’t get a reply out quick enough to beat Tara’s fast words. Breaking it down and explaining for the young one. More wisdom for the youth.

“I love her, Kennedy.”

The simplest explanation.

“That’s it?”

She looks to me and I nod my agreement, chuckling at the distaste that crosses her features. “You wait till you find yourself a honey… a ‘single’ honey, then you’ll see. Love makes ya do the wacky Ken, that’s all there is to it.”

“You can count me out then, the only thing I wanna go wacky on is the undead.”

“Kinky. You and B have something in common!”

It’s not like I think before I speak.

“Faith!”

Cos if I did think, then I would’ve known which words were coming and I would’ve kept it clamped. I offer an apologetic smile Buffy’s way, topping it off with a cocky wink and then turning back to Kennedy.

“Serious though Ken, it gets ya when you’re least expecting it.”

“It does?”

“Hell yes. Take me and B and the here and now. I didn’t come back here looking for the warm and fuzzy feelings and I damn well didn’t come back here looking to find them with Buffy. It still bit me on the fucking ass though.”

“You carry on Faith and it’ll be me biting you on the ass.”

Sounds good.

“Promises, promises, B.”

I duck to avoid the flying cushion, rolling to my left and grabbing a pillow of my own, pulling back my arm…

“Don’t do it!”

“Or what?” My eyebrows hitting all the horny notes. “You’ll bite me harder?”

I freeze on my throw as the door opens up again, Willow struggling through with five bottles of fresh beer.

“Guys, I brought refreshments…” Her eyes widening as she takes in my mid-throw stance on the bed. “…ooo spectator sports. My favourite. Who’s up?”

Restraining my urge to toss the pillow Willow’s way, only because she is carrying the beer. Instead vowing to Buffy with my eyes that she will get hers later.

“We were just instructing Kennedy in the art of love, sweetie. She’s a cynic.”

“She is?” We all sombrely agree with the nodding of heads. “Maybe the pillow throwing put her off? Did you tell her about the good stuff too?”

“They told me about biting asses and then the pillow throwing… I can’t help but be cynical.”

Red rolls her eyes and hands out the beers, me and Kennedy perched on the bed being the last to receive. Waiting expectantly as she stands in front of us looking down.

“You’re feeling better?”

Not asking me. Asking Kennedy.

“Uh… yeah. Thanks.”

“That’s good.” Taking the time to say a bit more. “I know what it’s like to go a little crazy with the power… if you, uh… maybe if you needed someone to talk things through with and Faith was busy or Angel, or anyone else that you asked, well then, if you wanted to, you could talk to me…”

Ken’s mouth is just hanging open, maybe surprised at how fast that came out, or maybe shocked at the little pinkish tint that crossed Red’s cheeks when she had looked at her. Looks like B isn’t the only slayer that Willow’s thought about at bedtime…

“Hey Red, you ever had the naughty thoughts about me?”

“Huh?”

And I won’t torture any truths out of her. Not now. I will be though. If she’s had the low down rumbles for B and for Ken, makes me wonder if I haven’t starred in there somewhere myself. It’s always the quiet ones.

“Doesn’t matter. I’ll ask you later.” Smiling serenely now. Nudging Ken with my elbow again. “And you’re right, this girl is feeling a little bit better. I’m sure she’d love to…” How can I phrase it?

I catch Tara’s eyes and phrase it the nice way. “…‘talk’ with you. Yep. She loves the chit chat does our Ken.”

It’s a good job that everybody doesn’t have pillows, because I think that Red would be getting her spectator sport and it would all be aimed at me. There is no violence though, only silence. My words seemingly robbing the room of the easy chit chat.

“So what happened?”

Until Kennedy’s voice raises all of our heads, sounding soft beside me.

“What happened what?”

“You and Buffy. How did it bite you on your ass? What happened?”

What did happen. There’s a question. Destiny happened? Fate happened? Fuck knows what happened. I look across to the girl that carried the bite, her sparkling eyes, questioning smile. And does everyone expect an answer?

“I dunno Ken. Buffy happened.”

I can’t say better than that.

I block out the groan from beside me and settle into sharing a secret smile with my girlfriend.

“They’re skipping the hard part Kennedy…” Flicking my eyes to Willow. “…they had to go all death, hate and horridness before they got to here. Be glad you missed that part.”

“Be glad?” And I have to ask, because, hello… “That was just foreplay Red, it was all about the getting to here.”

“It was?” She looks a little bewildered at that.

“Sure it was. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.”

I don’t know if I’ve suddenly grown an extra limb, but Willow is now peering at me like I’m some kind of freak.

“You’re turning all kinds of mushy Faith, did you know that?”

And what?!

I spit the beer from my mouth in a perfect arc across the room. “Screw you!”

“No, I like it. It’s really kinda cute…”

“Red!”

“All hard on the outside, soft on the inside…”

“I’m warning you.”

“Uh-huh.” She raises her bottle and clinks it with B. “What you gonna do, hug me to death?”

Both of them cracking up at my expense. “Bitches.”

“Hey baby, how about we leave Faith alone now..?”

“Nah, it’s cool Tara, I can take those two on.” My confident smile flashing across the room at her.

“I’m sure you can, I’m just worried that your new softer self might start crying.”

And what the fuck?

“Okay, that’s it. You’re all bitches and I’m through with ya.” I turn Kennedy’s way. “You want a roommate in LA, I’m thinking on heading out…”

“Fungus. Right?”

She casts a conspiring eye over my tormentors, my own following her path. All three of them huddled together and laughing so hard. So fucking funny. Bitches.

“Yeah, fungus.”

And it’s a shame she has to go. I could use someone in my corner, facing down the cackling threesome with some ammo of my own.

The thought has my damn softer side sneaking up on me again, my eyes serious as I turn to face her. “You know, it’s a shame you can’t stay Ken. This is… nice.” I throw my arm out to encompass the now far too happy with themselves threesome. All smirking at my apparent tenderness. “You will come back right? For visits and shit?”

“Yeah, of course I will.” And maybe it is me and her who really have something in common. Her voice searching out that something that she has never really had. “We’re like family now, aren’t we?”

So much hope. So much need.

“We’re fucking sisters, girlfriend.” Toasting her with my beer, accepting her soft high five.

It has me believing again that she will be okay. She’s like me, yet not like me. I never could have accepted all of this when I was her. I’d have been trying to rip it apart for being what I’d never had, not smiling out gratitude with the force of a thousand watt light-bulb.

“Hey, ‘girlfriend’?”

Buffy’s voice brings my smile her way, my mouth raising higher to match the pattern of her eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“That was kind of beautiful.” Not sure if she is teasing me still, needing to check the gentle faces of the other two before I can accept it for what it is.

“Right. Uh… thanks.”

Her eyes rolling as she makes her stand, comes over to sit on the bed with me and Kennedy. Her hand resting snugly on my ass. “Well it was. And it goes for me too Kennedy. I think LA will be good for you… Angel will be too, but we all need a break sometimes. If you ever want a home in Sunnydale, then you have a home in Sunnydale.”

And that was kind of beautiful too. We’re all fucking sap heads.

I’m saved from the outpouring of emotion by a right on cue Buffy special. Releasing the serious with talk all light. Leaning across me to tap a reminder against Kennedy’s shoulder.

“You do realise though, that if we’re all family now, then you get Dawnie as a younger sister by way of default? Enjoy yourself with that!”

Sending mock horror creeping across Kennedy’s face. “Yo, that’s harsh.”

“Aw, the kid’s cool. She grows on you as well.”

“More fungus?”

“The nicer kind.”

She catches my eye and I hold it. “I’m just kidding Faith. I like family. It’s nice.”

“Yeah, it’s special.”

And Jesus Faith! Shut the hell up.

My cheeks threatening to turn red with all of the soft speech that is falling from my mouth. I swear my rep is shot to shit. Everyone in the room fully aware that when it comes right down to it, I’m about as hard as fucking marshmallows. Yeah. Fucking beautiful.

“To family then, yeah?”

“Huh?”

I glance back up from my pensive stare at the bed, to catch Kennedy holding her bottle aloft, not just to me, but to the room. Asking them all to accept her now, to forgive her and to welcome her. None of us met Kennedy under the best circumstances and she never tried hard to make us like her, alienating us with lustful glares and defiant bullshit. A whole lot closer to making enemies than friends. But this is different. This is asking for that fresh slate, this is asking to forge a bond with everyone.

I swear I know who will be first to accept her toast and I am not disappointed. Tara’s bottle raised in the air and accompanied by her special kind of smile.

“To family, Kennedy.”

“To family.”

Five voices joining together. Not to find the fun or to joke and to laugh, but to reaffirm the truth of what it is that’s most important. People who will love you, who will always be there for you, who will pick you up when you just can’t stop falling.

And I can’t help that my eyes have fallen on B. Sat by my side and with her hand still resting snugly on my ass. I keep my bottle raised just that second longer, my silent toast of To Buffy, etched upon my lips. My silent kiss wanting to etch itself upon hers.

Damn right family is important. And to me, the heart of my family is Buffy.

And holy fuck.

I am so much softer than marshmallow.

Chapter 44.

POV Buffy.

I love it when she’s sleeping and I can touch her without her knowing. Not looking for approval in purred out words of love and acceptance, just the silent surveying of all that I have been granted. Faith. So much more than faith. I bring my head up to rest on my hand, eager to catch more than an angled sight of her, my fingers creeping across the distance to swipe the hair that dares to fall across her face. So calm and peaceful. So intensely beautiful.

“Hmmm, that tickles.”

And she is awake?

I pull my touch away from the rising corners of her mouth, settling instead for tracing a slow pattern across the arc of her exposed shoulder.

“You’re awake?”

Her eyes remain closed, but her lips twitch higher. “Looks that way. What time is it?”

Late. Early. Take your pick.

A glance at the clock on the side lets me know that it’s nearing four in the morning. Just a few hours left to try and find some sleep, just a few hours more to be tormented by a dreamscape that won’t disappear.

“It’s early… go back to sleep.”

My wandering hand finds her face again, a peaceful pass along her cheek, stilling as her eyes slowly drift to open.

“Why are you awake?”

“Cos I’m not asleep.”

It has her eyebrow raising, has her head turning fully to face me in the half light.

“Hey…” I don’t move as she narrows her eyes to peer at me, barely breathe as she settles her features into a face of concern. “…are you okay?”

And I want to tell her that sure, I’m okay. That the excited chit chat of the early evening beerfest in my bedroom has me tap dancing on the top of the world… but…

“I’m okay.”

“Promise me?”

Her concern doesn’t lessen, it only intensifies as she rolls onto her side, a hand appearing from the sheets, as if by magic, to steady my gaze on hers. “Buffy?”

And what? What to say?

I say nothing. I just lean into the safety of her touch. Close my eyes on her locked tight stare.

“You know you have to tell me what’s wrong, I’m not stupid B, I know that something’s been bothering you…”

My thoughts flash again to that place just out of reach, to all of the places that we’ll never get to go to together. To everything that is bothering me.

“It’s nothing Faith.”

“Look at me.”

“I said it’s nothing.” I can’t disguise the tetchy tone of my voice, the sleep deprived harshness that refuses to stay hidden.

“B..?” Her hand steadies at the back of my head, unseen strength demanding that I comply with her wishes. “I said look at me.”

So I look.

And I see.

Everything that I have now, everything that makes the waking hours bearable So much more than I would have ever dared to wish for.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise B, I can handle the tantrums.” Her touch loosens on my head now, goes to soothing instead. Just tangling strands of hair between her fingers, running them through until the ends fall away. “Tell me what’s wrong?”

“It really isn’t anything…”

“Just tell me, okay.” I can feel my eyes moistening at her gentle insistence, a deep breath taken in and released as a sigh. “Please?”

Her own eyes are deep and pleading with me, imploring me to share everything with her. To keep our promises about no more secrets, no more hiding. And they give me the power to speak.

“It’s four in the morning baby, we’ll talk tomorrow…”

“I don’t care what time it is.”

“You don’t?”

She shrugs her naked shoulder to back up her words. Her voice dropping to a whisper, still wrapped in the hoarseness of sleep. “No, I don’t. I DO care about you.”

“I care about you too.”

“That’s a given.” I lower my head down to meet hers as it rises. Our lips fleeting for a quick silent kiss. “Now spit it out girlfriend, why so solemn?”

Another sigh of mine fills the next few seconds, her face patiently waiting for me to speak. “There’s some things I haven’t told you…”

“Okay.” She waits for an instant for me to say more. I don’t. “Are they ‘bad’ things?”

“Not so bad… maybe bad for not sharing…”

“So share.”

“You promise not to get mad?”

My words make her smile a little, pretending that she is taking the time to consider it. “It’s too early to get mad, don’t worry about it.”

“Right... so…”

“So?”

“Do you remember Faith, with Quentin, do you remember the things that he said to me?”

“What… Travers?”

“Yeah. Travers.” I can’t stop the distaste that crosses my face. He may be gone, Kennedy may have erased that problem permanently from the list, but just the thought of him still curdles my stomach. Still makes me rage from the things that he had done. “Did you hear what he said to me?”

She looks to be considering, maybe wondering at what I could mean. “The guy’s toast, can’t see how anything he said means anything now.”

But of course it’s not that simple. Nothing is ever that simple.

“Something he said meant something… what he said to me at the door.”

I watch as she draws a blank. “Nope, ya got me. What did he say?”

“About the potentials… finding the potentials…”

I can’t believe how hard it is to say the words. Words I’ve kept hidden inside for all of the last few days, buried deep down where they could only seek to torment me.

“We already knew that B. They found Kennedy.” She shifts and settles herself up on an arm, peering closer at me again. Searching for clues. “I thought you guys had that covered? Giles is gonna do his thing, right?”

“No Faith, there’s more than that.”

“More?”

I know that I’m only confusing her, concern edging away to be replaced by doubt. So I vow to try harder, to make it make sense. “Yeah. More. What Quentin said, not about finding the potentials Faith… what he said about an army… what he said about activating potentials…”

All of her attention is focused onto me. Into me. “Go on…”

“He wasn’t lying.”

It’s like a delayed reaction as I watch the words fall onto her ears.

“Damn.”

And you can say that again.

“You’re shitting me B? Those morons really thought that they could do that?” I nod my head yes. “No way. It’s bullshit. The guy was trying to mess with you…”

“No Faith. It’s the truth.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

She inhales deeply, but doesn’t move her eyes from me. Doesn’t dampen the intensity of her stare. “How do you know?”

Ah. The million dollar question.

“I know because… I know because WE can do it. Willow can do it.”

“Fuck.” Her arm collapses beneath her as she rolls over onto her back, comes up to slowly wipe over her eyes. Dislodging the last traces of sleep, dismissing the final faces of concern. “Who knows about this..?”

“What do you mean? The council..?”

“Screw the council, I don’t give a shit about the council.” She flings the covers away from her body as if they offend her, pulling herself up from the warmth of the bed to march towards the chair in the corner. To the place that her clothes lay. “Who knows about this apart from me B, who’s important enough to share in the secret?”

And boy am I glad I didn’t confide in Angel.

“Faith, come here?”

I wrap the sheet across my chest as I move to sitting, holding out a hand for her to take, trying to implore with my own eyes. “We were gonna talk about this, remember? You weren’t gonna get mad…” Cocking my head, giving her my beseeching gaze…

“Who knows?”

And sighing at the hardness in her voice.

It’s not a sigh that makes her come closer, it only serves to make her turn away from me. Grabbing at her vest and pulling it over her head. Not caring that it’s now on inside out. “When the hell are you gonna get that we’re supposed to be a team B?”

“Will you please just come here? Maybe hear me out for a minute?”

She snatches up her pants and I realise that I am going to be the one that goes to her. Pulling the Boston Check snugly around me as I lift myself up. Reaching out a hand as she struggles to right the inside outness of one of her pant legs. “Stop.”

She doesn’t.

“Faith?” My fingers hover above the skin of her shoulder, dipping down softly to offer a placating caress, my sorry in a touch. Jumping as she throws the pants down in frustration, as she shakes my hand away and spins to face me.

“Fuck B. After everything we’ve been through, and you’re still cutting me out of the loop… man, I hate that shit. What the hell am I ‘sposed to do with that?!”

Keeping calm would be appreciated.

“I didn’t cut you out of any loop. There was no loop. Is no loop…”

“Well it damn sure feels like it from the outside.”

I watch as the anger dissipates from her stance. As it turns into a deep sigh, a lost look that pulls at all of my heart strings. “So who knows?”

“Come back to bed?”

“You can’t just tell me, I need to lay down to hear it?”

She speaks in a joking tone that doesn’t make her smile. Still clinging onto the face full of hurt.

“Just come and sit down. Please?”

And luckily my imploring abilities have heightened in the last few minutes, because now she does do as I ask. Waiting for me to move and then joining me in finding a seat. Cross legged. Nearly naked. And facing me. Just perfect for keeping my thoughts in order. Really. Just perfect.

“I’m sitting B, so what’s the what?”

Right. The what. My eyes dipping. My tongue sticking. The roof of my mouth as dry and parched as any dessert.

“Buffy…”

“Right. Okay. The what.”

“Yeah. What is it?”

I tear my eyes up from where they have fallen, noting with a private smile the smirk that sits on her face. Letting me know that she knows where my gaze was centred, letting me know that even though she is pissed right now, she still wants my eyes on her. Still wants me wanting her. It’s another given.

“First of all Faith, there really is no loop. No secret Scooby meets, no covert group pow-wows… nobody knows, we haven’t told anybody.”

“Well what about Giles? Angel..?”

“No Faith. Nobody.”

She nods silently as I speak and again I’m so glad that I didn’t seek to confide in Angel. Not so glad I didn’t seek to confide in Faith.

“So why the big deal, why didn’t you just tell me?”

“I don’t know. Everything was happening so fast and I just couldn’t get my head around it.” The bed moves beneath me as she shifts in her seat, relaxing her posture, leaning back on her elbows. “Tara was worried I’d want to do the spell, I was worried I wanted to do the spell…”

“They can really do it?”

“Yeah. Crazy right?”

“Fucked up, more like.”

I wait till she stops shaking her head and then continue on. “After Kennedy… after she… ‘disposed’ of Quentin, then I guessed it wasn’t even an issue anymore… I agreed with Will not to say anything…”

“Why not?”

I think back over the reasons that sounded so valid at the time.

“It’s too much Faith. She’s only just getting control of her magic, she doesn’t want to think about the power she has… she doesn’t want everyone else thinking about it, the things that she’s capable of doing.”

A wry chuckle falls from her lips. A hand rising from behind her to fuss about her hair. “I can understand that. It’s hard when people know how dangerous you can be.”

“Exactly. She doesn’t want to deal with that, she doesn’t want anyone else making her deal with it.”

“It IS messed up powerful. The power to change destiny…”

I give her the moment to take it all in. Watch all the wonderment as it crosses her features. The knowledge of exactly what our shy little red head is capable of achieving. It’s mind boggling. Totally.

When she focuses on me again her eyes are soft, but still questioning. Knowing perhaps that what I had told her isn’t all that there is to tell. “I don’t get why you couldn’t tell me though, you don’t think I can keep a secret?”

“Of course I do. I just…”

…I just can’t bear the thought of telling you how selfish I am. How I lay awake each night wishing that I could make the choice to create the army. To take my duty and offload it onto a thousand girls just as able as me…

“Hey.”

“Sorry…”

“Buffy?”

Her concern returning a thousand fold.

“I’ve been having these dreams Faith, these visions… I don’t know…”

“Dreams? Like slayer dreams?”

“Exactly like slayer dreams.”

“Damn… another apocalypse?”

It makes me almost giggle. Even through the teary eyed pain of the moment it makes me giggle. An apocalypse would be so much easier to deal with. So much less heart breaking.

“No Faith. The opposite, the complete opposite.”

And I think her confusion just returned a million fold. I’m good at this. The confusing.

“I think I get why you wanted me to lay down.” As she says it, she unwraps her legs from their lotus like position and lays them out in front of her, either side of me. Her shoulders falling to rest on the bed. “Jeez B, could you make less sense?”

Probably. Definitely.

I try and tear my eyes away from the ‘what’ again, much harder now that she is laid out before me. Practically offering herself to me. “Sense isn’t one of my strong points.”

She laughs as she brings herself up again, not re-crossing her legs, but sitting up to face me. “Yeah, I get that. So what’s the deal with the dreams if they’re not all hairy and scary..?”

“They’re perfect Faith. They’re…” I try and think how to describe it and there is only one way I know, only one thing that compares. “…they’re like heaven.”

My voice falls on the final word, my head falling too.

“I don’t get it… heaven? Like when you were dead, heaven?”

“Not dead Faith, believe me, I am so over wanting to be dead again.”

“That’s cool.”

And she has me lifting my head. Smiling at her words.

“Very cool.” A smile that she finds too. “But they’re like heaven… so peaceful, so warm… so full of love.”

“And that’s bad?”

I feel my brow furrowing, a frown appearing that tries to figure my thoughts. “No, not bad… maybe sad? Yeah… sad.”

“Okay. So… we have heaven like dreams that are sad, that have got something to do with Red being all hot with the mojo, and a whole army of slay girls. Right?”

“See, I do make sense!”

“No, I just get your weirdness. I’m still not getting the point though… why are good dreams sad, and what the heck has any of it got to do with Red?”

In actual fact, I think that she has made more sense of it than me so far. I try and draw a breath big enough to get it all out. Interrupted before I can speak…

“Oh! Wait… you’ve been having the down and dirty dreams about Willow, haven’t you?! Fuck B… no wonder ya didn’t wanna tell me… damn.”

“Idiot.”

“I’m onto you girl, ya can’t hide it.”

My hand finds hers in front of me without thinking. A gentle squeeze urging me to continue even while she makes fun of me.

“The dreams ARE slayer dreams Faith, and they show me every single thing that I want, all that I could ever want… that’s why they’re so sad. Having to wake up, having to know that it can’t ever be. It hurts.”

“It hurts?” Her thumb is rubbing softly in the palm of my hand. Lulling me into a sense of comfort. “What’s in the dreams B, what do you want so bad?”

“You.”

“Me?”

Her bewildered look is so endearing. “I thought you already had me. Did I miss something?”

“No, I definitely have you. But there was more, so much more. So much less. Just us… nothing else, no world, no duty, no killing. No death. Just us Faith. Peace and comfort and us.”

“Sounds kinda nice.”

“It’s perfect.”

The corners of her mouth are set in smiling, obviously pleased with everything I could ever want. Maybe not understanding what that has to do with anything. “How does Red tie in though, and the potentials? Don’t tell me they were there too?”

“No. Like I said, just us.” The reassuring tickle in my palm becomes more like a solid pressure, rubbing intently, massaging. Making my blood run faster. “I had the dream first, right before Tara told me about the spell, before Quentin told me… I just dismissed it as something that could never be… just a fantasy.”

“Nice fantasy. Maybe you should tell me a few more.” Her tone regains the huskiness of when she had first woken, her character ensuring that nothing could ever get too sad.

“Maybe later Faith. We can swap…”

Her hand tightens around mine and pulls me nearer, leaning dangerously close to falling on top of her, my mouth yielding as I feel her lips against mine. A gentle probing kiss. A wanting moan rising up from the depths of my stomach.

“I’m gonna hold you to that B, you know that right?”

“You better do.”

“I will do.”

Her eyes guarantee the fact to me. “But now back to the dreaming… where’s Red come into it?”

“I guess the fact that she could make it happen. The power to change destiny… MY destiny. It all seemed so perfect… the PTB sent me the dream and then Tara tells me it can happen… I’ve never been one for coincidences.”

“I’m not a big believer either B… maybe you are on to something? Maybe it does mean something…”

I’m surprised by how she is reacting. I expected shouts of selfish. Admonishment for ever thinking that way. “You don’t think I’m bad?”

“Huh… bad?”

“For thinking like that… for wanting an army of slayers, for wanting to change so many girl’s lives…”

“You think that you’re bad for wanting a rest, for wanting a break from all this shit? You don’t think I want that… you don’t think it’s all I could ever ask for too?”

“It is?” I don’t know. I hadn’t imagined that peace was something Faith would ever crave. I know that she craves me, her lingering look of heat from just seconds ago assures me of that, but that she craves peace with me, that she could want that too..?

“Course it is. I hate having to always put us second. To put you second. I wanna be free to just love you Buffy… forget redemption and balancing scales, forget duty… sometimes I just want you. All the time, I just want you.”

And never have I ever felt so loved. Never.

“Do you know how much I love you Faith?”

“Yeah. I know.”

She pulls her hand away from mine and stretches her arms back above her head. The inside-out vest riding up over her ribs, exposing her stomach, drawing my eyes. I think maybe I purr, but it’s covered by the sound of her stifled yawn.

“Tired baby?”

“Something like that.” Her legs pull up beside me, knees bent, somewhere to rest her head. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me any of this.”

“Maybe I thought you’d think I was silly… that the dream was dumb, that I shouldn’t get upset by it…”

“Well, you shouldn’t.”

“See, I knew you wouldn’t understand.” Her rolling eyes make me smile again.

“Serious B, why let it upset you? So we can’t have it in real time, I say make the most of it when you’re sleeping. It’s gotta beat the nightmares.”

“Maybe. Still hurts though… still makes me wonder if we should do the spell. Should spread the burden.”

“Not a chance.”

“I know.” I let out a rueful little laugh. “I won’t do it, would never make Wills do it… I know how wrong it is. Doesn’t stop me wanting though.”

And it’s a sad smile that sits on her face now, a wistful smile. A little shrug of the shoulders that tells me she doesn’t have an answer, no solution. Our duty is still our duty.

“I hope you never stop wanting it B. I know I won’t.”

She effortlessly changes the tone again. Banishing my sadness as easy as she banishes the night time baddies. Turned to dust. Just like that. Her body shifting, leaning forwards, her eyes telegraphing her intentions to touch me.

“So you’re not mad?”

I break the moment to ask. To check.

“Do I look mad?”

“Not now so much, earlier… maybe.”

“I was pissed. Short fuse syndrome.”

Her hands have come to rest either side of my hips, her weight held on her knees, pausing just in front of me. “I’m over it now.”

“Were you really gonna leave?”

“What do you think?”

“No.”

She grins at my answer. “Besides, I have a way you can make it up to me.”

And I can guess where I will be starting. I play the game though. I want to.

“You do? But I thought you weren’t mad?”

“I’m a little bit burnt… it bugs me that ya didn’t talk to me…”

Her eyes do not move from mine, do not change expression. Her lips speaking words that my head barely hears. It’s too busy catching the meaning in her stare, answering the request that she makes without words…

“Faith..?”

The breath catching in my throat as she leans the last inches forwards, a hand sliding up to cup the back of my head, to bring my lips close enough to dance along hers. So soft, almost gliding, so faint is the touch. “I want you B… I want you…”

My mouth opening to answer, only giving entrance to her tongue. So deliciously hot. The strength held within her kiss pushing me back into the bed, my legs opening beneath the sheet to give access to her body.

“I’m yours.” And it’s all I can find to say before she carries me up and away with her, hands frantic as they wrap in my hair, hips more so as she grinds her way down into me.

I hear whispered words of baby as her mouth opens to claim my neck, her heated tongue now drawing out a path which tickles at my ear, which travels across my collar bone to the top of the sheet, grunting when her progress is halted.

“Too much sheet.”

I laugh as she speaks, her eyes looking frustrated, yet her hips still grinding me down as her prisoner. Unable to move, unable to remove the barrier. “Shift and we’ll lift it.”

My words making her sit herself up, her legs either side of me ensuring that I still keep my place. And me just wishing that she’d hurry the hell up. I want to feel her against me. I need to.

I go to move with her, straining to sit. Letting out another small laugh as she pushes me back down, catches the edge of the sheet and begins to peel it away. “You stay right there B, I think I can handle this…”

“You sure?”

I feel the air as it hits my breasts, skin instantly puckering, watch her eyes as they focus their attention. “I’m sure.”

And it’s my cue to give up control. She can handle this.

I sigh softly as her weight moves above me, her hips sliding against me as she lowers her head to take my flesh between her lips, my nipple hardening more as her tongue makes gentle flicks across it’s tautness. I can feel my heart quickening, pounding out a beat that I seek to match with my own hips, my silent demands becoming instantly more urgent.

“Slow down B, I wanna take my time.”

Just my luck when I want her so now. Reconsidering already the loss of control. And finally remembering that I have hands… that I have ways of getting what I want.

She’s so into lavishing attention on me, that she doesn’t even know that I’m moving until my palms come to rest against her back, beneath the edge of her vest and rising fast. Urging that her top comes with me, uncovers all of her to me.

“B..?” Her arms lift to help, but she still asks.

“I’m not taking my time Faith.” Using all of my power to pull her back down against me, the momentum of my actions having her rolling underneath me. Changing positions, putting me on top. “There, that’s better.”

The sheet has fallen totally away and she seems happy just to lay below and admire the view, her fingers taking a slow tormenting walk up each of my sides, making me shiver. Making me gasp.

“So what ya gonna do now B..?”

“Hmm. I was thinking, maybe… this.”

I raise my ass a little and drag the cover completely away, leaving me naked, touching her nakedness. Already beginning to slide myself against her. Little touches designed to have her wanting more.

“Fuck.”

My hips moving in tight circles as my pussy shoots sparks right through my body. A sweat building between my shoulder blades, looking to mark a path down my back. Her hands using their strength to pull me closer, breasts crushing down onto hers as she invades my mouth with a kiss steeped in passion, her tongue filling me, my mind swirling with the headiness of her actions. I can feel the tension building already, the rigidity that sets my muscles on fire, screaming for more, for harder…

“Faith, baby…” My words losing themselves in endless kisses, but demanding to be heard. Repeating until she listens, her lips finding a place by my ear… breathing out to me…

“God B, you feel so good… so fucking good…”

My fingers wrap tight in her hair, trying to transfer my depth of longing to her, my urgency. Groaning as she catches my need, her hand moving to find a space between our bodies, rolling slightly to make an angle, an entrance. Practically screaming as she strokes her fingers hard across my clit, sliding down to push herself deep inside my aching pussy.

“Oh god.”

And I mean it. Nothing feeling as much as this. Nothing ever feeling as much as this.

My hips fall easily into her rhythm, rising fast to meet her, my insides clenching every time on the down stroke, praying that she doesn’t remove herself, doesn’t tease me into begging out my desire.

“Touch me B.”

And at first I don’t hear. Not sure if I have heard, only sure as she moves herself to make it easier… my hand sliding down by it’s own volition. The need to have her just as strong as the need to be had.

My thoughts scatter as we touch this way. Losing everything except the sounds of our bodies as deft fingers keep up the steady fucking, the sound of our breaths as they break the early morning silence, the determination present in each of our touches to reach that somewhere sacred.

“Fuck B… I’m gonna come… oh fuck…” The desperation in her voice, the matching tone of mine as I assure her I’m right here with her. My mouth seeking hers to keep it as hushed as I can, losing the sense to care as my body surges with enough energy to fuel a thousand forest fires. It’s all happening. Her fingers still slamming inside of me, curling up to stroke that special spot, the one which brings screams no matter the time of day.

“Oh god…” Over and over.

My spare hand clawing hard at her shoulder, my tongue crashing firm against her teeth. Trying to find sense, but losing everything. Just knowing that I’m kissing her, touching her. Lost in her.

It’s like a thousand crashing waves wash over me as I lose the battle to hang on, to make it last just one second longer. Riding her hand as she rides mine, lips searching and finding again. Bringing us down within the safety of this touch.

“Holy fuck.”

Her words like little whispers of panting breath as she speaks them into my ear.

“Heavenly.”

Making her chuckle. Her body sliding against mine as she positions herself tight against my centre again, pulling me down on top of her. “Better than a dream?”

“Better than anything.”

And I mean it.

Knowing that she wants the same as me, that her fantasies are just as vivid… it makes me hurt less not to have it. It’s still there, wistful desire, but right here I have answered desire. It counts for so much more. It doesn’t hurt at all.

I kiss her lips for a final time before I roll off of her, reaching down to retrieve the twisted sheets to stop her body from cooling in the now morning air. Tucking them around her and then tucking myself around her.

“You feel sleepy?”

“Nope. Kinda energised.”

I laugh at the yawn which comes right after she says it. Snuggling a little closer. Just relaxing to the sounds of her steadying heartbeat.

“I love you.” And smiling on my own stifled yawn as she speaks her words.

I may not have much of the night left to sleep. Barely even an hour, if I’m lucky I’ll get two. But at least I feel as if I CAN sleep now. As if the dreams that torment me won’t be so bad. Won’t hurt so much. I’ll make the most of them. Revel in them. And when I awake in Faith’s arms, just for those first few moments, I’ll assure myself that I’m living them.

Peace and comfort and Faith? I have them right here.

POV Faith.

I push her further back into the counter as my tongue devours the soft flesh at the base of her neck. My hunger fuelled by the slight whimpers that are slipping from her lips, the way that her hands are wrapping so fucking tight in my hair, clawing at my scalp.

It’s been like this for two days now, this constant need to be touching. Her eyes desperate every time that she looks at me, demanding that I give to her, pleading that I be with her. I don’t know what it is… I think maybe the dream thing. The way that she is taunted each night by the things she can’t have, making her cling even tighter to the things that she can. Maybe it’s simply the fuck-ability of me. That’s definitely possible too. Either way I’m not complaining.

No. I’m sliding my hand down from her back to grasp firm at her ass, dropping my voice somewhere close to sultry as I ask her, “Do you want this B, do you want me?”

Crashing my mouth against hers as the hands on my head drag me closer again. Revelling in the urgency of it. Her tongue as it wraps itself firm around mine, her body as it moulds itself to the heat of my skin.

I work my fingers steadily to the button on her pants, popping her fly, sliding the calloused pads of fingertips along the delicacy of lace underwear. The unmistakable sensation as my own underwear feels tighter at the touch. “Shit B…”

My other hand wrapping one of her legs tight around my hips, slamming the seam of my jeans hard into the junction of her thighs… feeling how wet she is, my fingers sliding inside of panties…

“Holy cow! Do you guys ever quit?”

What? Quit?

The sound of Red’s questioning has B pulling fast away from me, nowhere to go except the hard edges of the counter top, my hand still holding firm against the swell of her pussy. Easy circles still traced with a fingertip…

“Oh god… stop.”

Her mouth making sounds, yet her body disagreeing. Hips jutting forwards asking for more. Ignoring Red just as easily as I am…

“Okay… so that would be a ‘no’. No quitting. And I can see why… that’s a pretty big case of the sexy you’ve got going there. What do YOU think Xander?”

“Uh… water…”

And I think the sound of Xander is not so easy to ignore. Her hands finally breaking from my hair to threaten at breaking my arm. Practically twisting my wrist to get me to ease off. To remove my hand and give her back a small stab at dignity.

“Aww, Buffy… you look so cute when you’re flushed.”

“Wills, I… we, you see…”

“Uh-huh. I certainly saw. Again.” I turn my head to throw her a wink. There’s people out there that would pay for this show. She got the freebie. She’s a lucky girl. “And really… do you EVER stop?”

“Water..?”

Xander’s bemused look and quiet question save me from answering. Instead, just watching as he drinks straight from the tap, gallons of cooling liquid pouring down his throat…

“You okay there Xan, feeling a little thirsty?”

Buffy pinches my arm as I speak, almost as if she expects me not to tease him about what he just saw. Uh-huh. Yeah. As if. Directing embarrassment away from us, to throw at him, is a much better option than just standing around looking all flushed and flustered.

Although… B does look kinda hot with the flushing. Her skin still sparkling with an urgent sheen, all that unabated horniness…

“What!?” I ask in an injured tone. “I only asked if he was thirsty. Man, I didn’t even mention anything about whether he enjoyed the show…”

And that was more like a punch than a pinch.

“Look, guys… Buff…” Xander wipes his mouth, maybe the water, maybe the drool, and then turns himself to face us. “I… I didn’t see anything. I don’t want to see anything… I just announced my wedding date, I REALLY don’t need to see anything…”

Ahhh. I get it. He doesn’t want Anya to know that he sneaked a peek. Or that he got hit full in the face with a peek. Either way she wouldn’t like it. It’s making him squirm a little. Edge back towards the doorway.

“…we’ll just forget this. We’re going now anyway…”

He stops and looks confused. Not sure if he should approach us for a hugged goodbye. Maybe he wants to shake hands?

“…uh, the party was great. Really great party, really great…”

“Fucking?”

And you know I can’t help it.

The guys a fricking puddle of goo on the floor, and damn, I want the respect where the respect is deserved. It WAS really great fucking. It always is.

I prepare myself for the pinches and punches, fixing the smirk to my features as I turn to face B. Wondering why the hell her mouth is stuck in a perfect ‘O’.

“Who’s fucking?”

Oh.

“An… honey…”

This should be interesting.

“What’s going on Xander?”

Her look flits across each of us. Red turning red. B still stuck on the ‘O’. And me. Yep. Still smirking.

“Nothing! Nothing is going on…” Xander’s eyes spin to me. Back to Anya. “…Faith was just saying how late it is…”

“She said ‘fucking’. What has ‘fucking’ got to do with late?”

“It’s… she…”

“It’s really fucking late.” I decide to rescue him. Shower Anya with my sugar sweet smile. “Just stating it like it is.”

And is she buying it?

I follow her suspicious gaze as it silently questions the room. Red nodding like a rocker in a mosh pit. Buffy wading in with some super sized babble;

“Yep! Boy is it late… would you look at that?” Actually turning to point at the clock. “…wow, half past ten. Err… I guess you should get going?”

Half past ten, huh? Sheesh. Way past my bed time.

It’s hard not to crack as Anya keeps up the inquisition with her eyes. Buffy’s pinch holding tight on my arm again, my gaze no longer daring to glance up and meet Red’s.

“Yes Buffy. It IS late. Some of us have jobs to go in the morning. An economy to support, import taxes to be exploited…” She walks forward and latches onto Xanders arm, reaches up to plant a small kiss by his ear. “…a wedding to pay for.”

Diversion complete.

I rub my arm as B releases her hold, my look promising her that there will be payback, her look maybe suggesting that she has some hard hits heading my way instead. And what did I do? I saved the sitch didn’t I?

She doesn’t return the wink as I leave her side, ambling up to the wedding planners to wish a fond farewell. My eyes locking into the man of the moment. Making a show of holding out my hand to offer warm congratulations. “Xander, buddy… serious dude, congrats on the date setting.” And he doesn’t know what to do. His eyes flitting between my hand and my stare. Maybe my shit eating grin.

“I… uh…”

“Oh for gods sake!” His girl grabbing the offending limb and shaking like all ex-demons should. Kinda hard. “Can we leave now?”

I swear I can’t hold it in. Red is snorting the laughter out at my side, obviously finding the fun in Anya grabbing the hand. And really, I’m done for. My own chuckles quickly becoming full on laughter as even Buffy lets go off the pissed in favour of a smile…

“What..?! Why’s that funny? Xander!”

She releases my hand and swipes his arm hard, only succeeding in bringing more of the howling. Grabbing his shirt and dragging him through the door. “I don’t get you people. Really, I try…” Her words only fuelling the funfest in the kitchen. “…and you keep saying that MY friends are weird…”

I wait until I hear the front door close, clutching my sides to stop the crazed laughter.

“Fuck that was funny.”

“You’re bad Faith.”

“Ah, come on Red?” I motion my hands to highlight her humour. Her own clenching of tummy muscles. “Admit it, I’m funny.”

She smiles again… face twitching as she tries to hide it. Finally giving it up, cheeks flushing… “Fucking funny?”

And shit. I can’t stop this time. B’s whispers of ‘oh god’ just fanning the flames. My body doubling as I lose myself in the hysterical. Gasping to find a breath. Trying even harder as Tara comes into view, her face wearing a puzzled smile, her eyes all curious.

“Did I miss something? Is there more party… did everyone come back?”

Her gaze stopping on her girlfriend, waiting for answers.

“No baby. No more party… no one came…”

“Right! Wills…” My stomach feels like it’s cramping as I turn to catch Buffy struggling to sneakily re-button her pants, and at the same time stop anymore jokes and teasing from being directed her way. “…I have to go, uh, patrol! Gotta keep those night time nasties all under control…” She meets my eyes. “Faith?”

“Huh?”

“Patrol?”

“Oh. Yeah… sure. Patrol.”

I didn’t have plans to patrol. We did a little sweep earlier before the LA bound came to say goodbye. A final chance for the three slayers to kick some ass together. I don’t see that anything would be brave or stupid enough to still be out there. I don’t say nothing though… Buffy looks as though she might throttle me if I do. Not sexy.

Tara takes the moment to speak up again, her voice maybe tinged with disappointment that she won‘t be getting the low down. “So I’m not gonna get to hear what all the laughter was for?”

“It was nothing sweetie. We just caught these two at it on the counter… Xander was traumatised, it was funny.”

“At it? On the counter?”

I watch her soft eyes as they travel to Buffy’s position, noting the quiet respect, the little raise of eyebrow. “You really ARE embracing the girly loving, aren’t you?”

And damn if everyone doesn’t just think they’re a freaking comedian. Her little raise of eyebrow now turning into a full on suggestive wink. Making Willow giggle as she comes to join her girl.

As for my girl, she just looks happy. Forget the mock mortification, the little embarrassed flush of the cheeks… just look at her eyes. See the shine. The sparkle. She’s happy. It makes me happy.

“Hey, B?” I draw her attention with an almost silent whisper. “You wanna go?”

Her shine encompassing me as she nods her head yes. “Guys, do you mind?”

“What? No way. You go fight the beasties, me and Tara will watch Dawn.”

“Thank you.”

Red just shrugs her shoulders, joins Tara in making some hot chocolate. Getting out three mugs, going to the cupboard for some animal cookies. “No worries. Now go.” She starts to usher us out of the back door, standing and watching as we walk out into the darkness. “Be careful.”

“You got it.”

I chuck back a wave and then centre my gaze in front of me. Ignoring the slip of hand that’s covering my ass, massaging me gently through the seam of my pants. Just walking, head down. Waiting for her to speak.

“You know Faith, that was kind of mean in there…”

And here we go, the necessary telling off for the bad girl.

“Yeah. Sorry bout that.”

My routine response.

“Just sorry..?”

And I think I fucking whelp as her fingers find a soft spot. My insides involuntarily clenching, my step slightly faltering. “Jeez B, what you trying to do?”

Making her the one who is laughing now. Pulling her hands away and settling for a slap on my ass instead. A sharp crack filling the peaceful night air.

“What you did to me.” I know I look confused. “Earlier… the kitchen… god, do you know how horny I was?”

I remember the silky feel of the wetness hidden inside of her panties, her urgent whimpers into my ear… “A little bit?”

“A real big bit!” She shakes her head, releases some tension by taking out her stake to twirl. Tossing it up and catching, spinning it in her palm. “And having to stop… listening to you guys… just wanting to touch you…”

Her eyes are fixed on her stake as she speaks, following its arc up into the air and down again, a repetitive motion, her lips held in open suspension as she forgets to make words.

“B..?” I question her as I reach out to catch the stake. My grasp getting there just before hers, making her jump as our fingers make contact. “You okay?”

And I have to ask. Just a moment ago she was sparkling and now she is… spazzing?

“No… no, I’m not.”

“You’re not?” And now what is it?

I slow my heart rate, look for the peace inside that allows concentration. An awareness of my surroundings. Searching out anything that could be affecting my girl’s sparkle ratio. “What is it?”

I turn my eyes back to her and catch her staring. A huge fucking smile mocking my concern, her face crumbling into all sorts of happiness. “Nothing you dope! I’m just concerned at my hornies… I’m turning into a hussy!”

“That’s it?”

And I can look happy too. I know that I do.

“It’s a big thing. One minute I’m all focused on the day, focused on making popcorn, and then the next I’m getting my ticket punched up against the counter in the kitchen. It’s… crazy…”

“It’s hot as hell.”

I’m being honest.

Her eyes look to be contemplating for a second or two, her fingers slipping to slide between mine, holding a little tighter than needed. “Hmmm, yeah. I didn’t enjoy the free for all afterwards though. And I don’t think Xander’s ever gonna be able to look me in the eyes again…”

“He’ll get over it.”

“Hopefully before the wedding.”

She swings our hands between us as we walk, her other hand still doing little baton like twists with her stake. Talking nonsense, talking about nothing. About friends getting hitched, about friends leaving for LA. Just hashing over all the stuff that’s happened, that’s still gonna be happening.

And I was right about the happy. It’s probably why she’s so horny. All those endorphins flooding the system. I just know that this isn’t the Buffy I found when I first made my bitter return to Sunnydale. Nowhere close. Not even a sniff of that girl remaining. This is the Buffy that I first fell in love with. The shining eyes, the easy smile. The ditzy mind that trips from one subject onto the next without thought for pausing.

She’s better.

I smile like I’ve never smiled before as I realise it. Heart soaring. Fucking flying. All those weeks where I wanted nothing more than to make her better. To make her happy. And here it happened without me even noticing the passing of the sad. Too lost in crisis after crisis. In thoughts of duty and danger, disaster and death.

It makes me stop walking, maybe holding onto her hand tighter now, getting her to turn and stop, her eyebrows arching in question.

“I love you B, I so fucking love you.”

I think I’m kinda laughing and shaking my head all at once. Spun for a loop and loving the sensation. Feeling better too. Feeling perfect. Her lips finding their place against mine, just the sweetest of small kisses, a whisper of she knows. She loves me too.

She takes my hand, kisses my knuckles, and swings it back down between us. Leading me into the night, into another cemetery. Meeting our destiny head on.

Chapter 45.

POV Faith

She’s doing those fancy moves with her stake again. Executing perfect little flips and catches, her nimble fingers making the wood twirl effortlessly in her palm. It’s cool to watch. I mean, I can do that shit too, of course I can… but when she’s doing it, it just looks so damn graceful. With me it’s more like an intimidation thing; I show off some skills and the beasties decide if they fancy their chances.

Buffy looks nothing like intimidation.

I switch my gaze from her fingers to her face, catch the other world stare that I know will sit there. Letting a sexy little smile find my own face and then looking to engage her. That’s the other thing with her twirly, whirly exhibition of ambidextrous expertise ya see… it means she’s thinking. Not necessarily bad thoughts, but usually the deep kind. The frownful kind. And the best way to re-route the direction of her brain is to flash her the sexy. She can’t resist me when I’m doing sexy. Not many can.

“You know you’re kinda cute when you frown?”

I watch as the frown dips deeper for a second and then softens out around the edges, her eyes catching mine before they travel the way that I wanted them too. My chosen route. Just the quickest pass. Taking it all in and then returning my gaze.

“I am?”

“Damn right you are.” A small smile tugs at her lips and I aim to take it higher. Leaning back a little in my stance and giving her the full once over. A long, slow and very full once over. “You’re even kinda cute without the frown. Definitely a nice package.”

My eyes remain serious even as hers widen in question. “A ‘nice’ package?”

“Definitely.”

“Gee Faith, you sure know how to compliment a girl.”

I let her sarcasm wash over me, not looking to return it, just shooting her a wink. An easy shrug of the shoulders. “Yeah, it’s a thing. I’m good at it.”

“You’re an ass.”

“I have a good ass.”

“Hmmm.” Her hand slides her stake back into the rim of her pants, comes to settle on her chin as if she is contemplating, considering… “I’d say ‘nice’ ass.”

And I can contemplate too. Can stand and mock her pose, can slide my tongue into cheek and consider my words. “Yeah? You love it.”

Daring her to disagree. To lower my ass to a realm other than heavenly. Knowing that she can’t. That even her babble riddled brain can’t form a sentence that could deny any of her love for me.

“There is love.” She walks a little closer, just the one step needed to deliver her into my space. Her hand sliding down to reacquaint itself with the contours and angles, with the swell that sits ripe and tight in my jeans. A firm grasp of solid muscle, a cooing noise of approval. “In fact, I think that you have the perfect ass…”

My ears pricking at the teasing tone that laces her words. My eyes barely seeing the movement before it has passed. Her body twirling as fast as her stake, my hands not quick enough to catch her foot before it lands on the seat of my pants.

And oh yes. Her laughter.

“What the hell was that for?”

I wait until she has put a lid on the giggling, the snorts that still sneak out from behind the hands that cover her mouth. “I’m sorry Faith, really, it’s just your ass…”

She points to the injured party.

“It IS perfect.” My arms crossing in front of my chest as I wait for the punch line. “The perfect ass for kicking!”

And come on? That was lame. Or my ass is lame. She has one hell of a kick.

“Am I meant to be impressed by that?”

“A little bit. I’d say the speed was impressive… definite improvement in my surprise tactics…”

Her eyes animate as she breaks into a rapid fire monologue. “…and I KNEW that you’d be regretting the speed training; ‘Oh B, I’m soooo much quicker than you’, ‘You call THAT fast? I could die a slow death quicker than you can throw a punch’, well HA! Time to taste the humble pie, girlfriend!”

The hand on hips pose is kinda cute too. I don’t say that though, I’m much too busy agreeing with her words. Silently. When she had first asked me to share the style that Angel had taught me, I readily agreed. Having extra speed is always a good thing. But I had also mocked her all through the training. I couldn’t help myself. Goading her into pushing that much harder, teaching her muscles to give all of the effort that is locked up inside. And now my ass is paying the price. Payback’s a bitch. But then, so am I.

I affix the grin to my face that the situation deserves. “Does humble come in cherry flavour? Cos ya know I love the cherry pie, B.”

Re-routing again. Directing her eyes with the tip of my tongue. A slow moistening of lips…

“God I’m hungry.”

“I bet you are.” Dropping my voice down to husky. Inviting her in.

“No, seriously. I’m starving Faith. You wanna go get something to eat?”

And just who the hell is directing this conversation!?

I think I’m sighing. A sigh to mark the passing of my feminine wiles. I’m also stretching though. Bringing my arms up over my head, just working the kinks out. Not ready to give it up.

“What ya hungry for B?”

“Pizza. A couple of side-orders.”

And I give up. Another sigh. “I think I might skip out. I don’t wanna be too late, the old guy will only start worrying.”

“You have to stop calling Giles old. He’s starting to get a complex.”

“Okay. The ‘ancient’ guy will only start worrying. Better?”

“Possibly not.”

She turns and starts to head out of the cemetery, not a single kill under our belts. The spell the witches have done certainly seeming to ensure that the wedding really will pass without a hitch. Or only with the right kind of hitching.

“So what do ya say B? You okay with getting something alone?”

“Yay, a booth for one.”

Her direction stays in front of me, not turning to deliver her words. My eyes catching her stake as it flits up into the air again. And I think I kind of guessed the reason for her twirling and whirling display. Now I know that I did.

“Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

I follow HER perfect ass through the gates of the cemetery, back out onto the street, just a few steps away from civilisation. Lengthening my stride to catch up to her, my hand reaching out to rest on her shoulder. Slowing her progress.

“You’re still pissed about tonight?”

“I’m not pissed. There is no pissing. I just…” She screws her face up into a funny little look of distaste. “…I don’t like it!”

“Come on, we talked about this already. It makes sense.”

“That depends on your definition of sense Faith.”

She could have me there. It’s not like her definition of sense is anything close to normal. I lay out the reasons again, just in case she forgot. “Look, you’re with the girls tomorrow… you got that bridesmaid gig, I got the guy’s side. If I stay with you then we’re both gonna be late in the morning…”

“I can set the alarm.”

“That never works B.”

Her eyes roll off and I know that she knows it. Me and her in a bed together means lateness. Also hotness and a whole lot of horny. But definitely lateness.

Her feet start taking small steps in the direction of food. Waiting for me to walk with her, still listening to the reasons that I’m intent on laying out.

“The guys are getting in from LA before sunrise and you know I wanna be there to meet them… Angel’s gonna love what we did with the office space. I need to see that first hand.”

“I don’t really like all this sense making.”

“Plus, Cordy’s all take charge girl with my outfit…”

“Okay, okay. I get it. You’re abandoning me and I can’t talk you out of it. We could still get pizza though…”

I know the time without needing a watch. I know that I haven’t got a lot of hours to seek sleep before I need to be up again to greet the guests. And where is the point in knocking myself out to look drop dead gorgeous, if I get no sleep and just end up looking drop dead?

No point. It seals the deal.

“I can’t.” It makes her shoulders drop. “I’ll see you tomorrow though. There’s that wedding thing, remember? Bright and early… just a few hours from now?”

“Do you think Anya made it an early wedding on purpose, like a conspiracy to stop us from sleeping together?”

Err. No.

“Actually, I think it’s cos she said her breasts look perkier in the morning.”

She really did.

I watch B’s lips form the perfect petulant pout. Opening to speak and then shutting as the silence is broken by the ringing of her cell phone.

“Hello?”

Turning her back to me to carry on the conversation.

“Oh hey Wills, what’s up?”

Perking up her voice.

“How long? I don’t know… not long, long. Is everyone sleeping yet?”

I settle back against a handily placed sign post. Trying to figure out Willow’s words from Buffy’s.

“You did? Is that safe?” Not having a chance.

I let my ears tune out for the moment. Still half listening but not paying attention. My mind wandering without any real purpose. Instantly alert again as Buffy’s voice drops somewhere close to conspiring.

“No… she didn’t.”

Who didn’t?

“I tried that, not even food knocked her from her path.”

I smile wide as she turns back to facing me. Her eyes running slowly down my body as she carries on speaking into the phone.

“Hmmm… that could maybe work. I don’t think knocking her out and throwing her across my shoulder is really responsible behaviour though. What if I got caught?”

And what darn planet do these two come from?

“Yeah… we have friends in the police force now, but I say it’s better to keep them that way. Getting arrested is no fun.”

She can see my grin and she matches it. Making final comments into the handset and clicking it closed. Coming to stand beside me.

“That was Wills, she thinks I need to knock you out to get you to stay with me. Would it work?”

And she spoke to Red about it? It upsets her that much?

“You really don’t want me to go?”

“Are you crazy?”

Sometimes.

“Not lately. I don’t think so.”

“Well you are if you don’t get just how much I don’t want you to go.” Her fingers are soft as they slide between mine, her body facing me, close enough to feel. “It feels all lonely. Like you’re leaving me.”

“You know that’s never gonna happen. Even I’m not that crazy.”

“But…”

I cut her off before she gets there. My resolve weakening all too fast. My determination doubling. “Look, we have plans. Stuff that needs to get done, people that we can’t let down. It’s not about leaving you, you know I wouldn’t choose not to be with you if there was another option…”

“And it’s only one night.”

She finishes the sentence for me. Already knowing exactly what I was going to say.

“It’s only one night. And just think how nice tomorrow night is gonna be.”

I try and resurrect the feminine wiles to get her smiling again. My shoulders pulling back, my pose being struck…

“Tomorrow…” She whispers it as her eyes follow the trails that my fingers are taking. Nothing too obvious. Just sliding up under my top to pretend at finding an itch. Hinting at something else.

“You alright there B?”

“Uh-huh.” She shakes her head to clear it. More cuteness. “Just having an ‘Annie’ moment.”

“You gonna break into song?”

“Been there, done that. Not so pretty.” I feel my insides shiver as her breath blows out across my neck, leaning up to whisper into my ear. “I’m just loving the thought of tomorrow.”

Totally whipping me in the wiles stakes. Her own fingers creeping up to fuss at the spot I had been pretending to fuss at. Under my top, dragging slowly across my skin.

“Damn it B. You’re good.”

She smirks as she pulls back. “I learnt from you Faith, what do you expect?”

“After that, I’m expecting a whole lot.”

“Then it’s a good job I’m in a position to give it.”

Did I say my resolve is weakening? I have no resolve. I have melting. I have goose-bumps that raise in anticipation of her touch. My hips moving forwards as she reaches a hand round to nestle against my ass.

“So what do ya say Faith, you wanna get a pizza?”

“I think I want the side orders.”

She works her advantage to the full. Her lips smiling as they reach up to tease mine. Small whispered kisses, promises of everything else that’s on offer…

“We could get take out, eat it in bed…”

Her tongue hot as it slides against my ear. “…I know you like it when I feed you…”

Holy fuck. Who is this girl?

But I know who she is.

My body melding to hers as she gives up the teasing. Finally filling her kisses with the same heat as her words. Liquid heat. Melt down complete.

Hell yeah. This is the girl who has learnt all of my flicks and switches. Who knows how to turn me on even better than I do. How to drop her voice just right to get me leaning in, how to touch my body just right to have me falling over.

I steady myself now as she slowly pulls back again, my arms going around her waist to keep her close, to keep me upright.

“I think I’m upgrading you from ‘nice package’ B.” My voice is doing it’s hoarse thing as her eyes are doing the deep and intense.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. That was ‘really’ nice.”

My throat feels raw as her eyes narrow to take the stare even deeper into intensity. “Really nice?”

“Fucking amazing.”

And I’m not playing anymore. I only play when I can win, and I know that I have lost this one. I’m like putty in her hands, each attempt at banter, beaten down by her attempts at seduction. She IS fucking amazing and it’s only fair to tell her so.

“So you’re gonna come home with me?”

“Buffy…” I steel myself for my final stand. The only stand I have left. Taking the smallest step back to make the room to breathe. “…I thought we agreed?”

“There was agreeing? I don’t remember agreeing.”

“With the ‘Annie’ thing, and the nice tomorrow thing?”

“That wasn’t agreeing, that was considering. I’ve considered now, and the considerably best thing that you could be considered to do is to come home. It’s agreed.”

Is my head shaking or nodding? I can’t tell through the spinning.

“I never agreed to that B… I was still being responsible. Admittedly I was swayed for a moment, the side orders were tempting…”

I yelp as she slaps me on the ass.

“What? They WERE tempting!”

“So that’s it. You’re staying out?”

“That’s it.”

Her body moves further away from me, giving us both a little distance. Maybe finally accepting that I do wanna stick to the plan. I really do wanna look drop dead gorgeous tomorrow. Sure, she doesn’t know that that’s the plan, but it’s the main one I’m concentrating on.

I’ve never played dress ups with B before.

Well… you know. In fancy clothes and stuff.

The closest I ever got was homecoming that one time, and then my intentions were a whole lot different. That time I wanted her to look at me and want me. To see what was kept hidden beneath and taste all of my dark delights. This time… I don’t know. It sounds fucking stupid, but I kind of wanna look all… damn. Like pretty and shit.

Not hot. I know I own hot. Not fuckable. I own that too. But maybe beautiful. Cordy assures me that we can do it, that she has the perfect dress, the perfect shoes, the perfect hair style… so yeah. That’s the plan.

And that’s why I’m sticking to it.

It still makes me frown when she gives me that sad little smile though, still makes me feel just as lonely as her at the thought of spending the night alone.

“Call me when you get in?”

“Sure thing B.”

“And then I’ll see you at the wedding?”

“I’ll be front row centre. There’s no way I’m gonna miss seeing you in that sexy little green number…”

“Bitch.”

They all tried to get Anya to reconsider the colour scheme. They all failed.

“Yep. Now give me a kiss… something to get me through the night.”

She blows it to me across the breeze, laughing at my un-amused face, my pouting lips.

“That‘s it, that’s all I’m getting?”

“You wanna spend the night away Faith, then you suffer the consequences.”

And maybe she is the biggest bitch of all.

I concede the point gracefully though. Catching her kiss and blowing one back. In truth knowing how dangerous it would be to meet her lips for real again. It’s safer this way. For the plan.

“Night baby.”

“Night B.”

Just watching her walk away from me. Backwards. Her working senses allowing her to negotiate obstacles without looking. Keeping those eyes on me.

“Sleep tight.”

“You too.”

Catching another kiss. Feeling the pull as she pauses at the corner. Wanting nothing more than to go to her.

“Sweet dreams.”

The sweetest. Her words echoing in the empty street even as she turns from view. My heartbeat matching her step as I feel her getting further away. The air around me shifting as I’m left all alone.

It’s a good plan, but a bad plan.

I can’t wait to surprise her by scrubbing up all nice. But this leaving her crap is one hell of a price to pay. Since I moved in officially, I haven’t spent a night away. I don’t want to. I don’t need to. Everything I need is in being with her. Every day beginning and ending in just the right way.

And damn. I really think I am still crazy.

It’s a solemn little walk that my feet now begin. Heading off in the direction of the old apartment, Giles’ new apartment. Consoling myself with the knowledge that thankfully, tomorrow really IS only a day away.

I sweep my eyes around the room and try to imagine what it would be like to view this all for the first time. Wondering whether it’s gonna be up to scratch. If Angel will find the same pride in the surroundings that I have found here. I know that I hope he does. It’s just all so different than when we first rented it, a dilapidated building which smelt strangely like boiled cabbage and lemons, now turned into the Sunnydale headquarters for Angel Investigations.

And check me out, all up in the world.

It means so much for me to have Angel’s approval. He gave me this chance, this opportunity to really make a life for myself, and all I want is to have him tell me, good job. That would pretty much make everything perfect.

I jangle the keys obsessively in my hands while I wait. Straightening up the desktop, sprucing up the plant, making sure that all of Giles’ books sit at perfect angles with the rest of the furnishings. And I’m no longer just Marsha Brady. Nope. No way. I’m Marsha Brady on fucking crack. It’s nice.

The car pulling up outside is enough to have my palms sweaty and my mouth dry. This is it. The boss is back in town. A couple of seconds passing as I hear them all getting out, then a knock on the door, and then my feet moving.

Just like it, Angel. Just like it.

“Hey.”

“Hey..? That’s it?” I should have known that Queen Cordy would be at the front. Looking like a million dollars, sounding like a million decibels. “Come here you moron and give me a hug!”

Enveloped before I can move, arms holding tight and then pushing me back, observing me at arms length with a gaze all insightful.

“You look really well. All happy. It suits you.”

And how could I not look happy? I have a hot chick giving me the once over.

“You’re looking good too Cor, it’s great to see ya.”

“Of course it is.”

She moves past me through the door and I look straight ahead. My saviour now stood before me. Looking up at the sign, back down to me, his eyes full of warmth.

“Faith.”

“Hey big guy, you missed me?”

“You want the truth?”

He cocks his head with a small smile and I know my grin steadily grows. I love this guy. I can’t help it.

“If the truth involves a hug and a yes, then yeah, hit me with the truth.”

His powerful arms only feel gentle as they wrap me up and hold me safe. His chin resting on my head, his words drifting down to my ears…

“There’s a lot less noise. Less whisky bottles taking up counter space. A whole lot less prank phone calls. And the cable bill has halved…”

“No way! That’s Gunn with the cable. You know I don’t need no two dollar porn to get me going.”

He laughs as he steps back, his eyes starting to drift across the walls of our reception room. The friendly little desk which holds Tara’s pictures, the book shelves which could only ever be Giles’. “So this is it then?”

“This is it.” I hope my arm doesn’t shake as I hold it out to encompass the space. “We’ve got the reception bit here, and then back there through that door is the office…”

I’m interrupted by a noise behind, a small knock on the door.

“Is it okay to come in?”

And there she is. My sister slayer. One of the triplets.

“Ken! Come here you dork!”

I grab her in a tight hug before she’s knows what has hit her, so not my style to be throwing out the love, but my nervousness dictating that I act all crazy. Any minute I’ll be babbling. I know it.

“I uh…” She pulls herself gingerly back, eyes timidly searching behind me. “…is Buffy here?”

Aw. She’s still scared of B?

“No way girlfriend. You’re free to feel me up to your heart’s content.”

And that switches her eyes from timid to playful. Turning her nose up. Offering me a smart ass smile. “She’s not here? But it’s Buffy I’ve been wanting to feel up.”

Earning her a friendly slap. A little slayer special.

“Nice to see you haven’t changed Kennedy.”

“Nice to see you still slap like a girl.”

I let her walk past me and check the door to see if there’s anymore arrivals. Anymore of the LA gang to amuse and abuse me. “Hey, is no one else coming?”

“Nope. There’s a little demon problem that needed sorting. You’re lucky that Angel and Kennedy came, there was kicking and screaming…”

“What kind of demon problem?”

Angel breaks from his office observations to stand next to Cordy, settling his ass back against the desk, sighing out a breath he doesn’t have. “It’s a clan war. As if we don’t already have enough to worry about, now we have gang-banging demons.”

“You need help?”

And no, I haven’t gone all superhero, it’s just been ages since our last big knees up. Nothing crazy apocalyptic, just run of the mill vamps and demons. Easy for the business, not so challenging for a slayer.

“You have time to help us? Do I need to check the pay sheets?”

“Chill Angel. The business is ticking along nicely… I’m just saying…” I can’t help but crack my knuckles at the thought of some serious action. “…if you need some kick ass slayer…”

“Hey! They have me!”

I turn and make a whole show of checking out the girl that makes jokes about feeling up my girlfriend. Letting my eyes roam all over her small frame. “Like I said, if you need a kick ass slayer…”

It’s enough to bring laughter. Easy conversation. Them laying out the deal with the demon turf war, and me laying out the plans for the wedding. Catching them up on everything they had missed, the ins and outs of your average sleepy town on an active hell mouth.

It was nice. It is nice. Having them here again. Kinda sucks that the demon problem means they can only stay for the day, but even so, they are here, and I’m happy. Just leaning back in the chair behind the desk in the office, my feet finding their usual place, my arms back behind my head.

Life is good.

I swing the chair round a little as Angel walks into the room, resting his frame against another bookcase, his eyes full of eager smiles.

“You always sit like that?”

“That all depends on the customer. If it’s a hottie, then yeah… I give them something to look at.”

“No wonder business is booming.”

“Exactly!” He comes closer and I drop my feet, giving him somewhere to sit on the desktop. Waiting while he fingers the photo which sits prominently next to the computer. The happy family snap. Buffy, me and Dawn in the midst of a food fight. I remember being pissed at Red when she took it, objecting to any pictures anywhere with me covered in mozzarella and anchovies, but afterwards, once the picture had come back… then I was all full of the smiles. Bagging the photo to keep on the desk. A reminder of why I’m here.

“This is nice.”

“Yeah, it is. And I know it looks like I’m losing…” I look again at the picture. Me underneath both of them and covered in the cheese. “…but I swear man, once that was taken… I kicked ass.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely.”

His raised eyebrow tells me he doesn’t quite believe me, but what does it matter? I know who won. I know who ended up on dish duty for the next three nights. And it sure as hell wasn’t me.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Buffy smiling like that. She looks so…”

“Happy?”

“Yes. Happy.” He resets the photo frame back in it’s place. Me not being able to resist reaching out to straighten it up. Placing it so that her eyes are on me. The way I like it. “So I guess I don’t need to ask how you’re doing Faith?”

And now my eyes meeting his. Barrier free. Nothing to hide.

“Not really. You could still ask though.”

“Right. How are you doing?”

I know that my smile says it all, but I find the words anyway. “Great. Really great. Honestly Angel, I ain’t never been this happy. Kinda freaks me, I’m still getting used to it. But yeah…it’s the best.”

“I’m glad.” I know all of his looks and I know that he has now switched to serious. His voice dropping softly to match the tone. “You deserve it Faith.”

“Don’t we all?”

Because I can do serious too, and I know that I’m not the only one who has fought in the trenches, the only one who deserves the special kind of happiness that comes with being in love. With being loved. I flit my eyes quick to the doorway, check that the girls are still nosing around in the backroom. The sleeping quarters.

“So how are things with you Angel. Still lacking the happy?”

“I don’t lack happy.”

“Sure ya don’t. It’s why with the brooding.”

I point out the brooding with a wave of my hands. Taking in his still sombrely black attire, the same hunch to the shoulder. “I’ve seen dead people that look happier…”

“Technically Faith, I am dead.”

So he is.

“Right. Vampire. But you get where I’m coming from..?”

“Not often.”

And isn’t this just a huge old reversal of roles? Him the one doing avoidance and me the one seeking answers. “Stop dodging. Serious Angel, are you doing okay?”

“You want serious?” He continues the avoidance by rising from his seat. Sneaking close to the blinds where sunrise is threatening to burst through. “What happened to finding the fun?”

“If you’d found the fun then I’d be all for it. I’m worried about the lack of fun… no man’s an island, right?”

He chances just a tiny glimpse out on the early morning, a sad smile tracing his lips when he turns to me. “For whom the bell tolls?”

“It tolls for thee.” I slip myself up from the chair, my boots heavy on the carpet as I come to stand by his side. Facing a window that he dare not look out of. “You know I read everything you sent me?”

“I hoped that you would.”

It’s not like I had anything else to do. Stuck in juvenile detention with no need to make friends. Damn right I read everything he sent. And everything that he sent included a whole lot of everything. I liked the John Donne. All that stuff about being connected, not being alone… I think it comforted me even when I didn’t want comfort. Made me see a bigger picture.

“So what about it, you still resisting the feeling?”

He knows what I’m talking about. The feeling I allude to.

“It’s not that easy Faith.”

“It’s a yes or no question, how much easier can it get?”

“The situation… the… it’s not easy. It’s just not easy.”

I respect the hopelessness that he brings to his words and take a step back. An easy decision to let him off the hook. To not bring too much pain to a day that should be happy. A day when we should all be smiling. Not saying anything as he walks back into the shadows, as he lowers his bulk into my chair. His feet finding the exact same spot as mine had.

“So aside from all the eternal angst, how’s the gang doing, what’s new in the big bad smoke?”

“Not so much. Kennedy’s fitting in well. She was a hard one at first, she really doesn’t like authority too much, but now she’s doing fine. I cracked the whip.”

Uh-huh.

“What did ya do, buy her an ice cream and give her a hug?”

“No… there wasn’t any hugging. Maybe the one ice cream.”

If he could he would blush. Mr softy pants.

“It’s cool she’s settled. I was worried, ya know… in case she went all darkness, death and destruction…”

“No. Nowhere near. She’s forged a real bond with Fred, I think they keep each other grounded.”

“Everybody needs somebody”

He shoots me a bemused look. Another raised eyebrow. “Now you’re quoting the Blues Brothers at me?”

“Just nudging you in the right direction.”

And exchange bemused for depressed. Letting me know just how deep it goes with his feelings. Urging me to back off again.

“Dude, forget it okay. I’m not gonna say nothing else…”

I don’t get to say anything else as the other two to come back to the office. Breezing through the door as if they have not a care in the world. It’s nice to see Kennedy that way, but for Cordelia, I’m not buying it. Catching her eyes as they slip quietly to Angel, noting her sadness and concern.

“What’s going on, why’s the atmosphere all dark and gloomy?”

“Not gloomy Cor, I was just asking the boss for a raise. He didn’t take it so well.”

“Angel?”

“I offered her store cards, they always worked with you.”

And the sitch is saved by a smile. I can’t pretend to know what they go through, but I do remember all too well the feeling of love being bound and broken. That they can still find smiles for each other, even through the crap, it gives me hope. I don’t know if there is a solution, but fuck knows they deserve it. Both of them.

I slide my way through a little more banter before it gets to the time when we need to be shifting. Anya really did want an early wedding. Maybe for the perky breasts thing, possibly to cut down on Xander’s chances of skipping out, but either way it’s an early one. All of us needing to be suited, booted and seated by eight o clock.

The arrangements are easy enough. Us girls going to the apartment to get all pretty and Giles coming here to pick up Angel.

And I think I’m getting kinda excited. Kinda nervous. Waiting to see the dress that is meant to be able to knock Buffy’s socks off. Just hoping that I can manage beautiful.

“You ready to roll?”

Cordy’s voice pulls me towards the door. Offering Angel a wave as we leave, turning as his words call me back again.

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“This place, all that you’ve done?”

“Uh-huh?”

“Great job.”

And how can I not smile. It’s all that I wanted.

“Jesus, Cor, you’re hurting me!”

“Just sit still and stop moaning, you wanna be beautiful then you have to pay the price.”

I pull my head in the general direction of away from her, and her fingers, and the endless fucking pins that she’s sticking up in my hair. I mean Christ, yeah, I wanted to look pretty… but pins? In my hair?!

“I said, sit still!”

A tug which borders on violent has me back in her range. My bottom lip popping out in an attempt at pouting, my fingers digging hard into my knees to stop me from crying out.

“But it hurts.”

“No Faith, hurt would be what’s gonna happen if you don’t quit fidgeting. Hurt would be me impaling your ass on this hairbrush.”

She gives another tug and I give another yelp. Not used to my hair feeling as if each and every individual strand is being teased to within an inch of its life. Not used to being held so helpless at someone else’s mercy. I’m not a fan of it. No fucking way. In fact, if I hadn’t just spent the whole night away from B just so I could hit her with the surprise of me being all stunning, then it would be me doing the impaling on the hairbrushes right now.

“Anyway, I thought you slayers had that high pain thresh hold thing working for ya?”

“And I thought you had that gentle touch thing working for you. I guess we’re both wrong.”

“I’ll try and be gentler.”

She gives a pained sigh and I match it with one of my own. Her touch does soften. Her fingers do move a little slower about her task, but the pain is no less. Heck, I wouldn’t be lying if I said it felt worse. Longer to anticipate each twist and turn, longer to count the seconds until we’re done.

“Okay. I think we’re done!”

YES! And thank fuck for that!

“You sure..?”

I can feel myself edging away from her again, scared inside that this is a nasty trick, a lulling into a sense of false security. Flinching as she comes closer to fuss at the front, giving a shaky smile as she gives me a lingering appraisal with her eyes.

“I think I am. You look perfect.”

“Perfect?”

“Uh-huh. Perfect.” Her mouth flashes a full on Cordy special, reaching up to light her eyes, making everything about her seem somehow softer. “If Buffy Summers has a tongue left in her mouth when she sees you, then I wanna know what’s wrong with her! You look gorgeous Faith. You ARE gorgeous.”

Damn. I don’t even try and edge away from her now, as she brings a hand up to my face, so gentle, careful not to ruin any of the barely there make-up that she took so much time on before doing my hair. No. I lean into her touch, let her feel the blush that her words have created.

“Thank you.”

“I’m happy to help.” She gives a little tweak to my nose as she pulls her hand away. Standing back again to admire her creation. “Who ever would have thought?”

I know what she means.

A silent wonder passing between us as we both remember the start package. What I was on my arrival. And I don’t think gorgeous would have been top of anyone’s list. Skanky ho, maybe. But not gorgeous.

“Angel probably already gave you the big proud speech in the office, but you know me, I like to have my say…”

“You about to get mushy on me?”

“No. Yes. A little.”

“Well I hope the mascara’s waterproof, there’s no way I’m sitting through more of the makeover.”

She leaves me sitting on the stool and takes a seat on my old bed. Her arms going out to rest on her knees, looking up at me, her eyes earnest and true. “I’ll keep it short Faith, I promise. I just want you to know how proud we ALL are of you. Angel may have saved that murky little soul of yours, but all of us came to care about it. You are doing a great job here, an amazing job, and all of us see it. All of us are happy for you.”

Shit. I wasn’t joking about the mascara.

“Cordy, I…”

“Don’t say anything Faith. You know you’ll only ruin it.”

And I’ll let her have her little jibes, because everything that she just said to me was so damn beautiful. Means so much. “Thank you. Again.”

“Like I said, happy to help.”

I can’t stop my mind from doing a little drift now to my first thoughts of Cordy, and I am absolutely certain that she has changed herself just as much as I have. Just as perfectly.

I think to say it. Wonder at how to make the words. Which ones to choose.

“You know Cordy, you’re doing an amazing job too.”

I hope that covers it.

Catching her unguarded smile and then seeing it replaced by the Cordy grin. Rising up from the bed and then fussing at her own wedding outfit in the mirror. “Just doing what I can. Paying the bills.”

“Right. You’re in it for the cash.”

“Yep. ‘How to make a million, before you die a horrible death’, all the consorts to the higher powers get to read it. Fascinating stuff.”

The reflection that I study is still smiling, but I am never one to dismiss a joke about horrible deaths. I’ve seen too many.

“Gee, I see that you’re all full of the deep down cheery too.” She turns back to face me, eyes inquisitive. “Honestly, it’s a good thing Kennedy’s still so plucky, or I’d be calling it an epidemic.”

“Am I supposed to be able to guess what you’re talking about?”

“You.” I motion my hands across her form. “You’re less zesty. Almost broody… what’s the deal?”

“I’m not broody!”

“Uh-huh. You can try and sell it, but this girl ain’t buying. I know what’s up.”

I totally do. I witnessed the soulful stares at the office, have had the last couple of hours full of disjointed breaks in banter that have never been there before. My friends are hurting. My two dearest friends are hurting. And it hurts me to feel it.

“I know you don’t believe this Faith, but trust me when I tell you that you can’t fix everything. Not everyone gets the happy ending, all of their dreams come true. Just leave this one okay, you can’t make this one better. Just leave it.”

A hurt that grows.

Her eyes are pleading that I just walk away. Insisting with unshed tears, and a woeful sigh, that she truly believes the situation is hopeless. That she is helpless. It’s fucked up ironic when you consider everything that she does. Everyone that SHE helps.

And I can’t walk away. She would never walk away from me. Never.

“You could talk to me.”

“You don’t think I do enough talking?! You don’t think I’m so damn sick of talking!? Talking’s all I can do Faith. All we can ever do.”

Ouch.

We.

I knew that there was a ‘we’ in there somewhere.

“Have you told him how you feel?”

Her eyes break my heart. As if she needs to tell him. It was there without being said. My understanding of that having a small smile lifting her lips. Still breaking my heart.

“Angel knows how I feel. Why make it hurt more by saying it?”

Because saying it is the greatest freedom that you will ever know? The deepest joy?

I don’t offer my sermon on happy endings though. I don’t offer John Donne nor a nifty little burst of the Blues Brothers. No. None of that would mean anything to her. What I do though is rise from the stool and take her in my arms. Trying my hardest to impress with my hug how much I care for her, how much I feel for her.

“I’m so sorry Cordy, I am so damn sorry.”

Letting her cling as hard as she needs to, drawing endless deep breaths to stop from releasing her tears. This shit sucks. It so fucking sucks.

I just wish that I could do something. That all of my power counted for anything when it comes to helping my friends. That I could just do something to make it better. To make it hurt less.

She pulls back without saying a word. Trusting me to do the same.

“Okay?”

And I can’t stop from asking. She’s a fool if she thought that I could.

“As okay as I’m gonna be.”

“If you ever…”

“Please? Can we leave it now. Talking doesn’t help. Don’t think about it. It’s what I do.”

She picks up her lipstick and starts reapplying. Turning back to the mirror, away from me.

“What time is it, shouldn’t we be thinking about leaving soon?”

Conversation over.

Leaving the false perky of her expression to glance to the clock. Immediately becoming nervous again at the closeness of hour. The closeness of fricking minutes.

“Yeah.” My mouth void of saliva yet again. “You want me to give Ken a shout?”

“No, I’ll do it… KENNEDY!?”

Fuck. I forgot how loud she can be. How authoritive she can sound. The tone of her voice having my favourite little protégé come running through the door. Stumbling in her dainty heels, grabbing at the door frame to keep some balance. Her gaze flicking from Cordy and then to me.

“Oh wow.”

Still on me.

“I mean… oh wow, I knew you were… but, wow.”

Did she leave her brain in LA?

“Ken?”

Cordy is laughing behind me, so I turn to her to find sense.

“I knew it! One look at you and Buffy is gonna be tasting the floor. I amaze myself, really, I do…”

I glance back to Ken, her absolute open approval of me.

“You mean, I did that?”

Whoa. I get checked out all the time. But this?

“Oh yes. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?”

And no. I was kinda scared to. Not sure of what I would see. Shifting now to get a proper look, some close up scrutiny.

And wow.

I mean… wow!

“Fuck. Is that me?”

“The language makes me think, yes.”

“Sorry Cor, but… Jeez. I look good. I look…”

“Amazing? Gorgeous?”

No.

“I look beautiful.”

“I second that.” And it looks like Kennedy got her senses back. After seeing myself in the mirror I’m kinda impressed with her recovery. I can’t stop checking myself out. I really can’t stop.

“Faith..?”

The dress is just mind blowing. Nothing like I would have chosen. For a start it’s not black… And my hair? Fuck. I love every pin. I worship every pin. All holding it up, releasing just the fewest of tendrils that slip to tickle my neck.

“Faith!?”

I rip my gaze away from myself to turn to her, matching the grin that’s splitting her face. The amusement that sits in her eyes.

“You’re supposed to be knocking Buffy’s socks off, not your own!”

Both of them finding that funny. Laughing at my open self appraisal.

“Can it guys, you both know if you looked as good as this, then you’d be all with the checking out.”

And ha! That shuts them up. Because yeah, them girls, they GOT the goodies. But check me out. I’m beautiful.

And forget nervous. I’ve got a wedding to go to. A girl to impress.

I just hope that Anya won’t mind me stealing her thunder.

Yeah. And bring back the nervous!

Faith wasn’t the only one to be appraising their reflection so openly in the mirror that morning. There was someone else who was taking a good look at all they could see. Thinking about what they had been. What they were now. Pleased with the change.

Halfrek was, in fact, more than pleased with the change.

It had been so long since she had visited this plane of existence. Not caring to return, since she had left the last time, since she had crawled away from that basement with barely a shred of dignity hanging around her shoulders. But now she was back.

And such a great day for it. A wedding. Anyanka’s wedding!

The thought brought a smile to her face. Glad that she was able to multi-task in such an efficient way. Not only would she be able to celebrate with one of her oldest friends, she would, much more importantly, be able to settle her scores. Because she still had scores that needed settling in Sunnydale.

Her new employers were so much more powerful than the last. D’hoffryn cast aside with the same ease that he had cast her away to Warren’s clutches. Yes. They were powerful, they had powerful demands. And it was her job to channel that power to make sure that the demands were carried through.

One final roll of the dice. One final wish to grant.

She only hoped that it was the right one. That they would get everything that they deserved.

Chapter 46.

POV Faith.

I’ve never been to a wedding before. Truth be told, I’ve never even been invited to a wedding before. Add in all other important life events and I’ve pretty much been overlooked for all of them. Never a girl to stand on ceremony. Never a girl to give a shit. And ain’t it funny how life can change..? I’m all about the ceremony now. As dusty eyed as the rest of them as Anya had first glided past, as entranced as I have ever been by the look of pure love in Xander’s waiting eyes. Man, it was some kind of perfect. Even the birds seeming to extend their dawn chorus for today, a pretty little twitter to accompany the bride and her maids down the aisle.

If I was the marrying type, then this is definitely the kind of gig I would want.

None of that big fancy shit, just a few close friends, just the people who really care. Anya was gonna go with the big blast at first, all consumed with ideas from glossy mags, all intent on inviting half of the demon underworld. But Xander put his foot down. Not worried about the demons, just freaking about inviting his family. And I can get that. They say you can’t choose your family, but there’s nothing to say you have to invite them to your wedding. I just wish he’d put his foot down a little firmer, hadn’t caved to Anya’s insistence of having at least one old friend here.

I mean, seriously, who invites a vengeance demon to their wedding?

Talk about mixed messages. One minute swearing to be someone’s adoring sex poodle for all of eternity, and then the next, swearing that your bosom chum can, if needed, reduce your existence to nothing more than a slimy pool of rotting entrails. Cute. Definitely my favourite of all the wedding speeches. And people say that I have issues..?

My only issue has been keeping my eye on the demon. Both of my eyes. At all times. Forget seducing the socks off of Buffy, that mission changed as soon as I saw the guest list. As soon as I saw Hal-freak walking through my door.

“What the fuck is she doing here?!”

My thoughts torn from the adoring gaze of my smitten girlfriend. No longer basking in the looks that she was caressing my dress with, no longer feeling the fingers she was caressing my flesh with.

“What, who…” Her eyes forced to follow the same path as mine, feeling her stiffen at my side. “…Halfrek?”

“Yeah. Her. What’s she doing here?”

Buffy had shrugged a little, gone back to making the cooing noises as her fingers drifted slowly across silk. “Anya wanted her here. She promised no funny business…”

“And you’re okay with that?” Taking her hand away from my dress and holding it tight in mine. “You’re not worried..?”

Her gaze had flitted between the two of us. Taking in Hal as she was embraced by Anya, taking in me as I tensed a notch higher. “No. I’m not worried. She’d be a fool to try anything stupid.”

Right. And demons are never stupid. Never foolish.

I’d had to voice my concern some more. Trying to get Buffy to understand the tingling of my slayer senses. The nasty wicked vibe that having her here was bringing to me. The memory of the time when she had brought pain into our home. When she had preceded death. When she had invited evil in.

But had she listened?

No fucking way. Shaking off her stiffness to replace it with that perky thing. Bouncing over to the new ‘guest’ and offering her a welcome. It was bullshit. It still is bullshit. The demon may have everyone else fooled, may have them all believing that she is here for a celebration, but not me. I’m still following her every move, straining to hear her every word. Wondering how much damage I can do with the pins which are keeping my hair all nicely piled.

I’d go for the eyes first. The eyes which are meeting my stare now. Across the twilight dusk of the garden, beneath the fairy lights that I had spent hours diligently hanging with Buffy. And I bet she feels it too. Surely demons feel the call of the night as strongly as slayers do. The keening of senses, the quickening of a pulse, the stale stench of evil…

“A penny for them?”

“Huh?” I reluctantly break my stare from demon gal to fix it upon B. Joining me in the fast growing shadows, her head tilting to the side as she gives me the once over.

“You, looking all doom, gloom and thoughtful… what’s up?”

“Nothing’s up.”

“Riiight.” Her lips curve into a smile as she doubts me, but I can’t let it calm me. My eyes shifting again. The air shifting again. No surprise as I find the demon still stalking me with her gaze. “Faith?”

No doubt looking for pain. Something to quench her thirst for misery.

“What the fuck is her problem?”

“Problem..? Who?”

And I know that she isn’t that dumb. Not even close. “Quit the shit B. I know that you can feel it.”

“Apart from the champagne giddies, all that I’m feeling is the neglect…”

Her moves are purposeful as she breaks my line of sight. Getting between me and my prey. Interrupting my focus.

“…you spent last night away from me, made yourself all pretty, and then you spent the whole of today stalking Halfrek… a girl could start to worry.”

I wish that she would.

Whoa. Scrap that. I’m not making any wishes… it’s not safe.

“I’m not stalking her B, she’s stalking me.”

I’m certain of the fact. All day feeling her penetrative gaze. Sure that her eyes will still be on me now.

Only…

“Well, where is she then, Miss Paranoia?”

And that’s just fucking great. Truly. Fucking perfect.

B moving aside only showing me that I’ve lost her. Not assuring me that I’m wrong. That I have nothing to worry about.

My eyes scan quick. Darting amongst our friends, searching out our foe. “Where’d she go?”

“Probably to the bathroom. I heard that demons need to pee too. Crazy huh?”

“I’m not joking B.”

“I got that.” She still tries to distract me with that smile, her eyes shining to match the green of her dress. “It prompted my concern. You do remember the whole ‘what’s up’ comment?”

And only B would aim for cute in the middle of a crisis. A cute I aim to displace with the nudging of her memory.

“Do you remember how dangerous Halfrek can be?”

“Yes Faith. I remember… but today, this is a good day, a happy day. Why do you wanna change that?”

Me?

“I don’t wanna change that. I’m protecting that.”

“And if we don’t need protecting?”

“And if you do?”

She rolls her eyes and does that exasperated sigh thing she learnt from Giles. Her lips still looking to find a curve, her hand reaching out to touch mine. “You really think that there’s something to worry about?”

YES!!!

“Err… yeah.”

“Even though she’s been here all day and nothing has gone wrong?”

“Yet. Nothing has gone wrong yet.”

Her thumb rubs soft against the silk of my dress, imploring me to forget worry, to remember her.

“You sure you’re not just a little bit paranoid?”

Dropping her voice to entice me forwards.

“Better paranoid than dead.”

And my words instantly stop her silent assault. I won’t be steamrollered by her seduction. I might like to be, but I won’t be. There’s just something… damn, not right. I know there’s more to the demon being here other than celebrating a wedding. Screw paranoid. I’m sure of it.

“Faith…”

“No B, just think about it. What better time to catch us off guard than today? Everyone too happy to remember to be aware…”

Her face drops the smile and grabs at resigned. Resigned to listening to what I have to say, her eyes clouding over to hide the happiness. And I hate to do it, I love to see her smile, but this is important. “…I’ve seen too much to hide behind the good times Buffy. If something is going down today, then I wanna know about it first.”

And I do. My eyes leaving her again to search out the shadows. The hairs on my neck raising in the darkness to let me know that she is here. Somewhere. Watching me as closely as I want to watch her.

It’s a sick feeling. A churning feeling.

My fingers lace between B’s to run across the silk of my dress again. Not for comfort, or seduction, but to feel it. To understand. Nestling her hand against the uneasiness of my stomach… “Do you feel that..?”

“I… maybe?” I watch as her own eyes flit fast across the garden, straining hard to see the things which trouble me. “What about Wills, the spell… no monsters?”

“This one’s invited B, I think it makes a difference.”

The moonlight catches her face as it changes, sliding from curious concern, to the first lines of worry. Her gaze travelling again, rooting amongst the friends that we have sight of. Finally resting back on me, her voice now tainted with urgency.

“Where’s Dawn?”

I have it covered.

“With Cordy. They’re inside.”

“Well what if she’s inside… what if you’re right?”

My body feels the hum of hers as muscles tense and coil, as she realises the full threat that the vengeance demon may possess.

“Chill B, she’s not inside.” Not knowing how I know other than the sensation of being watched, observed. Still feeling the weight of her hidden stare as it sits upon me.

“Chill..? You’re telling me to chill?!” The pitch of her voice hints at hysterical, so I move to pull her further back into the shadows. “You freak me out and now you want me to chill, how does that work exactly..?”

“It works by being calm, not freaking anyone else out. We can handle this alone… it’s like you said; people wanna be happy today…”

And no matter what comes to pass, I wanna keep it that way. We’re the slayers, we deal with demons. “…let’s just find her and sort out the sitch. Yeah?”

“I should’ve known. Nothing can ever just be nice, right? There always has to be some form of major disaster…”

It’s almost like she was waiting on an entrance as Buffy speaks her words, the chill spreading right through me as soon as I see her. Just outside reaching distance, shrouded in darkness. Still set on that fucked up stare.

“B…” I nudge her softly to get her to shut up. To focus. To draw her attention to where it needs to be resting.

“Halfrek..?” The soft whisper of her voice calling out the demon.

“Finally I have you together.”

And what the fuck does that mean? She thinks she can take us both on? She doesn’t realise that I could pulverise her body with barely a touch?

I step forward to remind her, swapping my shadows for hers, my danger laced tones forewarning her of what she faces. “You shouldn’t be here. You should leave.”

Pretending at a politeness I don’t feel, giving her the opportunity to avoid my anger.

“I was invited here, Anyanka wanted me here…”

She says it as if it makes a fucking difference. As if I care. Her use of Anya’s old name making me reach out a hand to grab, finding the front of her dress and slamming her back hard into the fence.

“So I’m gonna have to make you leave..? Suits me fine.”

“Let go.”

“Eat shit.”

My face is in her face and I get to see it first hand. The way her eyes begin to glow, almost kaleidoscopic, nothing I’ve ever seen before…

“Faith… let go…”

Buffy’s words not mattering as I seek to see what it is that burns so bright in the demon’s eyes. Realising too late that it’s power… that she has a whole heap of slayer smashing power.

I think maybe I yelp a little as she reverses our positions, my back tensing as she pushes me forward against the tree I had hid behind, bark scratching my back through the silk of my dress. And I can’t move, I can’t fucking move. Struggling to break free of her hold, urging Buffy with my eyes to wade into the fight…

“Don’t. I’m not here to hurt anyone.”

Demon words meaning nothing as she holds me so submissive.

“Fuck you.”

My knee trying to raise in the confines of the Cordy picked outfit, hearing a rip as my muscles obey the basic commands. And yelping again as she slams me again.

“Do you have a hearing problem?” Spoken so matter of fact that I have to wonder what the hell is going on…

“What?”

“I said I’m not here to hurt anyone, you don’t have to fight me.”

And the ease with which she holds me makes me hope that there is some truth to that. She’s sposed to be a vengeance demon for fuck sake, I can subdue vengeance demons with the strength in one finger…

“Maybe we should hear her out.”

“Maybe she should let me the fuck go.” And as I say it, she does it. A smile gracing her lips as she releases me with the same ease she held me. Making my mouth work in tandem with my brain. “What the hell ‘are’ you..?”

Because she ain’t no vengeance demon. No fucking way.

She waits until Buffy is at my side before she begins speaking. Soothing fingers across my back doing nothing to distract me from the eyes which still peer into me. My senses still tingling, my gut still churning.

“I think the question should be, what are you?”

And what the fuck?

Feeling the irritation as she deflects my question with some obscure bullshit. Thankful that B has the composure to speak when all that I want to do is fight.

“Faith asked first.”

Oh great. Schoolyard logic is sure to win.

“What I am isn’t that important, it’s what you are that counts.”

“Me are? I thought you said that Faith is?”

And that draws a blank from the demon. Maybe not subdued by schoolyard logic, but certainly rendered confused by Buffy’s choice of speech. It gives me an opening, another chance to get a question in, something else I want answered.

“Why are you here..? And forget the wedding crap… why are you really here?”

“Weddings are good. Well, they start off good… usually end in tears and torture, someone seeking justice…”

I bring my hand up to run through the hair that isn’t hanging, frustrated by her avoidance, remembering the hair pins as my weapons of choice. This is fucking pointless. She’s probably just stalling us while she thinks of ways to boil our brains.

“…justice that I used to seek to give.”

“Used to? What does that mean?” Buffy asks her, but I already know. The force in her body has already spilt that secret to me.

“Used to. No longer am. Out of the vengeance gig.”

Oh man. She does this stupid little twirl thing, jazz hands accompanying her movement, all pleased with herself. “I have new bosses now… different orders.”

I just settle back and watch. My body still humming to the tingle inside, happy to stand back and let B do the talking.

“Orders? From who?”

“That would be telling.”

And isn’t that what you do when someone asks?

“Do you practice being this cryptic?”

“It comes with the job.”

And where’s that tree again? How hard can I bang my head against it?

B looks like she might want to join me. Her eyes rolling, then stopping. Her face scrunching into her thinking face, her bottom lip caught between the vice grip of her teeth. “B..?”

“Wait… being cryptic comes with the job?”

“Exactly.”

Am I the only one lost?

Not knowing why the demon’s eyes light at Buffy’s words. I just know I fucking hate cryptic. Cordy’s visions are always so damn cryptic, slayer dreams are always so fucking cryptic… I don’t see why Hal-Freak has to jump on the bandwagon.

“You mean…” I stop my thoughts to listen to Buffy, urging her to shed light onto the sitch. To make it make sense. “…you, you’re… working for ‘them’ now?”

Who now?

“Well done.”

Hal congratulates. Buffy smiles. And in my next life I’m coming back as a tortoise. With a shell. A shell that can be hidden inside when nothing in the world makes a damn bit of sense!

“Okay, call me stupid B, but what the fuck are you two talking about?”

“It’s easy Faith… who do you know that deals only in cryptic?”

Cordy?

“Uh… she works for Cordy?” It sounds dumb as I say it and I’m prepared for the little teasing smile that tugs Buffy’s mouth higher.

“No. Silly. Think about it… who does Cordy work for?”

Oh. Oh oh oh! Now that makes a little more sense. Maybe. Though…

“You mean, the PTB… right?”

Cos I have to check. For as much sense as any of this makes, she could of meant Angel. Cordy does work for him too. Though that would make even less sense. I think.

Fuck, I’m confused.

“Yes Faith. Correct.”

Yay?

“So why the mystery bullshit, why not just tell us… before you made me rip my dress?”

I point out the tear that my jerking knee had caused, narrowing my eyes again on the… err… not so sure what she is now. But narrowing them anyway. Pissed at all the confusion.

“It’s how they like things done. They don’t like to get too involved… all of this is highly unusual...”

You think?

“…in all my years on the bad side of good, I have never seen the Powers grant anyone what they are willing to grant you. It’s unheard of for them to take such a personal interest…”

Buffy’s voice breaks through her vague attempt at explanations. Picking up on the stand out phrase. “What they are willing to grant us… what does that mean?”

“That comes later. First you have to understand. Have to know the debt that is owed to you.”

Understanding sounds good. Really fucking good.

I wait in the silence that comes for her to say more, holding tight to the hand that Buffy places in mine, my confusion calming in the surety of her presence at my side. I’m still tingling, distrust is still fuelling my deep blown out breaths… but the danger feels less. I’m ready to listen.

“I can talk about all of this because it’s already passed, my suggestion to you would be to listen very closely… it may sound cryptic, but there really are clues in all of this. Pointers to the things that are yet to come to pass.”

Words making me turn my head towards B, my eyes matching hers in a complete lack of understanding. “You as confused as me B?”

“Probably more confused. I was doing so well with getting the PTB part worked out… now I’m just lost.”

At least that makes two of us. I switch my attention back to Hal, arching my eyebrows in a signal for her to continue. Hoping that some of it means more than nothing to me.

“Destiny is what binds the universe together. Everything has a destiny, a path which marks a life until death… it’s what allows the Powers to exist. Without destiny there would be no power, no order… no nothing.”

“We know all about destiny Hallie, me and Faith have both been imprisoned by destiny… what’s your point?”

She tuts her displeasure. A sad shake of the head. “Always so keen to have answers, when the answers already lay in the telling. You saved the world. That is the point. Should I go now?”

“I saved the world a heap of times, you wanna be more specific?”

My hand feels the tenseness as it races through her body, clenching just that little bit harder. Her voice steeling in her quest to know. Probably as sick of all the bullshit as I am. And it’s my turn to try at calming, my thumb dancing circles in her palm, my words whispered with the intention of being only for her ears. “Calm down B, let’s just listen to what she has to say.”

Somehow knowing that I need to listen to what is being said. Perhaps recognising the tingle now… a memory pricking far back in my mind, places that I push to forget, sensations that it hurts me to feel…

“Do you remember, Faith?”

Her words sending me further down the path. Fighting to keep my eyes open so that I don’t have to see. I don’t want to remember, I already know. “The leech… you’re talking about the leech.”

“The Hirudo Beluosa. Evil’s attempt to destroy the path of destiny.”

My palms building a sweat as my heart pumps double. Crashing against my chest in a frantic rhythm which seeks to never stop beating. My ears straining hard to hear above the onslaught.

“It was a battle that should never have been fought, a false prophecy sought to send you in the wrong direction… fooling everyone. The boy. Your council. Almost yourselves.”

“What the fuck has the council got to do with the leech? They weren’t even involved in that shit…”

“Everything is involved. Everything matters. False destiny can be just as easy to follow as the true kind… surely you understand that Faith?”

And was that a dig? A yanking of my chain?

Maybe she’s trying to wind us up. Maybe she’s the false fucking prophet.

“Since time began, the very beginning… before the beginning even, it’s been destined. The battles that would rage, the first and the last. The winner not mattering as long as the destiny was adhered to.” She breaks the monotone to stare straight at me again, making me uneasy again. “No one noticed the false path being laid until it was already there… until you were already walking upon it.”

“Should’ve guessed I’d be the one doing the walking. Big bad Faith strikes again, right?”

“You were misled by evil.” And now her stare does drop from penetrating, it softens, her eyes inviting instead of piercing. “That is something that I understand.”

“Well maybe we can start a club sometime or something, just as soon as you tell me what the hell any of this means.” My hand breaks from Buffy’s to try and tug at my hair again, frustrated more as I’m met by pins. “I get the cryptic, okay? But Jesus, give us a break…”

“I’m trying to.”

I must have missed that part.

“Evil knows the fight that is coming and because of destiny it knows the way that the battle will rage. Everything that you have faced has sought to change that. The Hirudo Beluosa, Warren, your Council… all of it permeated by the source of all evil, everything meant to destroy the way that things must be.”

Again she breaks her speech to engage in a stare. My eyes forgotten as she focuses on B, as she speaks words meant solely for her. “Even you Buffy.”

“Even me?”

“When your witch resurrected your soul, it was evil that allowed it. The Powers had given you rest… only you could have requested to change that.”

“Oh.” And I second that oh. “You mean… I’m not meant to be here. I was meant to be dead?”

Not a comforting thought.

“You made the choice, you followed your destiny. You know the answer.”

“Oh.”

She repeats her previous thought and I seek to second it again. Seeking her hand also, remembering my comfort role.

“So let me get this straight… you’re saying that none of this should of happened, B’s meant to be…” A thought I can’t speak. “…uh, not here… and me?”

She looks at me to fill the gap, not willing to speak of a future that’s not yet come to pass.

“I’m…” Remembering what she said. The answers are in what has been said. “…I’m guessing that I’m all destined to fight in this big battle royale against the source of all evil… right?”

Her eyes confirm to me what her words won’t. “Destiny takes many turns, I can’t tell you what will occur in the future.”

But I can feel the way that my card has been marked. The persistent tingle. The roar of the slayer in the back of my mind.

“Is that it?” I speak it dismissively, as if I haven’t just been made aware of an importance I had never guessed I would own. Maybe once I would’ve wished for it, sometime long before I understood the gravity of duty. “Are we done now?”

“No Faith. We are not done. Not by a long way.”

“Well maybe you could speed it up a bit, cos as thrilling as this shit is, I’ve got a wedding to celebrate… friends that might wonder where the fuck we are.”

And that makes her smile. Makes her wave her hands in the direction of a scene that sits motionless. “You have to love the benefits of working for a higher power…”

Uh-huh.

My eyes widening as my gaze falls on each of our unanimated guests. The air around me still moving, yet the people in front of me frozen in time. It’s kinda freaky. Only making me want to get this done with. Over with. All of it.

“Are they okay?”

“They’re fine Buffy. They’re… paused. When we are finished they will never even know that they stopped.”

“Wow. Why don’t we get nifty little powers like that..? Do you know how easy it would be to fight evil if we could freeze the damn frame whenever we felt like it?”

“Which brings me back to destiny.”

“Well, whoop-dee-fucking-doo.”

I whisper it somewhere beneath my breath, but she still hears. Still turns her eyes back my way. “It’s not supposed to be easy, it is what it is. The choice only yours whether you rise to your destiny. Whether you rise above it.”

My shoulders slumping as I realise there will be no end to the confusion. Maybe ever. Maybe it’s my destiny to be stuck here listening to this bullshit for all of eternity. Fantastic. Really.

“Both of you have risen above your destiny. Both of you have fought a battle that should never have existed… not only fought the battle but also solved the consequences.”

“There’s consequences now? You hear that Faith…”

“I’m still lost B.”

“The third slayer was not destined, not yet… you died in a false battle, it never should have been. All of it was manufactured, a plan laid by evil to taint the coming of the future. Even your mighty council not pure enough to resist the depravity.” She takes a moment and shakes her head, her eyes looking to reach into the very depths of my soul. “An army of slayers, at this time, would have ripped apart the very fabric which holds all of your destinies together. The slayer line would have been destroyed forever, right along with your witch. It was evil’s last stand, a last attempt to poison the river of time. To prevent the tide from turning.”

And there was me thinking we objected due to a moral stand. I never guessed we were stitching together the fabric of destiny.

I wonder if it comes in silk…

“I knew it!”

She did?

I flick my gaze to Buffy to witness her triumphant smile. A grin that soars further as she turns to explain. “I knew that I was right to get the wiggins over Kennedy! There IS only meant to be the two of us…”

“Dork.”

“I’m just saying…”

A totally lovable dork.

“Could you please let me finish?”

Oh, right. Lets get back to the crap. Can’t wait.

“Go ahead.”

She shakes her head again at my blasé tone, my disinterested face.

“I don’t think either of you are grasping the magnitude of what is happening here. You’re being let in on the very secrets of the universe, do you understand that?”

Whatever.

“Yeah, sure… keep going.”

And I can’t help the cocky, I have to do something to keep myself sane. And I don’t think that she can help the enraged. The way that her voice rises above the tone befitting an envoy to the boys upstairs. The way that she loses her composure.

“This is ridiculous! Can you believe that I requested this, that I thought I had scores which I could settle, that I wanted to bring you happiness in return for what happened in the basement…” Her hands flapping about her head bringing more meaning to her words. “…just listen, for all of your sakes, can you please just listen!?”

And I’m listening.

“When you defeated the Hirudo Beluosa, Faith, then the Powers were given their wake up call. It was only then that they understood the shattering of destiny… most of the time they don’t pay attention. Things run as things should and they amuse themselves by sending a few mysterious messages. It works. For them it’s worked since time immortal… when you wrapped your hands in a choke hold around evil, then they heard your call. They saw what was happening…”

And what is her deal with stoking up the bad memories? The stench of burning flesh so fresh in my mind. The slide of my skin as evil had crept beneath it, inside of me…

“Hey… wait a minute…”

I speak without thought. My hands creeping up to cover my eyes, remembering more than the burning… something more intense than the stench of frying flesh…

“The light… it was them?”

The light that had erupted from me when I had thought that the end had finally arrived. A surge running through me, delivered straight to the heart of evil. Funny how you can forget about things like that amongst the things that happen everyday.

“What light?”

“Huh?”

“What light Faith, I don’t remember any lights… you never mentioned any lights.”

And I guess she forgot too. The time that I remembered… being sick, talking nonsense… asking about the light. Fuck. And fuck again.

“I’ll tell ya later B, I promise…” Cos right now I really wanna hear the rest. Now that some things make sense, I need sense for all of it. “…Hal?”

“Yes. It was them. Like I said, when you plunged your fists into evil it woke the Powers up. They had no idea that destiny was dying…”

“No, wait… I had dreams, slayer dreams…” Buffy breaks in, and she is right. She did have dreams. I remember not having them.

“You really believe that those dreams are all sent by the powers of good..?”

“I assumed.”

“Wrong assumption. It’s why Faith never had the dreams, there were no dreams to be had, the Powers knew nothing about it.”

And maybe she does have explanations for everything.

“This is all really messed up.”

“It is Buffy. And that is why I am here. You slayers have sorted out a mess that even the Powers That Be could not hope to have sorted. They helped with the power when Faith was in hell, but that was all that they could do, channel their power through a source of good…”

Hey, hey, check me out! Source of good. Has a nice ring to it.

“…Everything else was done by you two alone. You Buffy, you were brought back here only to bring pain… to self destruct along with your family and your friends. But you didn’t, you beat it, you found love instead, a love that brought Faith back, that released her from the final grasp of the evil. It was both of you who stood firm against a desire to create an army of slayers… you protected not only your own destiny, but the destiny of the world. Maybe of all worlds.”

“Is this where you tell us ‘well done’, and offer us a bonus?”

“No way B, that’d be far too simple. Plus, ya know, with your destiny being all not meant to be here… gotta figure it’s my bonus, right?”

Slipping away from serious again to talk shit with B. Something familiar. Something that makes sense.

“It’s not a bonus. The PTB don’t do bonuses, I know. Three claims for overtime and all of them dismissed. No, this is more like… let’s say a wish. The opportunity to mould just a little bit of destiny your own way.”

“But you just said that we all have a destiny that shouldn’t be messed with, now you’re offering us a wish to change destiny? Am I the only one seeing a flaw in that logic?”

“It all depends on what you wish for Buffy. You can’t change destiny, even the most powerful source of all evil couldn’t change destiny… you are being given the chance to sweeten destiny. It’s different.”

It is?

She stands back now and falls silent. As if she has said all that needs to be said. As if she believes that she has enlightened us.

“So we can wish for anything?”

“Yes, you can.”

And does B have something in mind?

I turn to her and seek direction, a clue as to what we should do. “You got something you’re wanting B?”

“I don’t know. I think so.” She gazes at me and it feels kinda peaceful, kinda serene. Ending the feeling to turn back to Hal, to ask another question. “How long do we have, to make up our minds?”

Making the ex-demon smile again. Her hands floating out again. “What is time?”

Our frozen friends. Time eternal.

“Can we at least think about it, maybe have a little alone time to figure out what to do… what we want?”

“As you wish.”

And she goes. Just like that. Leaving us standing confused in shadows that no longer move. Not growing and shifting, not creeping out further with the passing of time. Cos time isn’t passing. Cos everything is fucked up.

“Pinch me B?”

“You what?”

“Pinch me.”

Needing her to at least let me know that I am still here. That something has remained constant throughout the insanity. Relieved when her fingers do stroke across my skin in a little light pinch.

“Okay?”

“Yeah… I think. Although… what the fucking hell was THAT all about?”

“You know what?” I shake my head. “I have no clue. I don’t… this isn’t… I mean, even for us, this is kinda weird, right?”

“Totally. Bizarre.”

My eyes can’t help but look to our friends again, still stood as almost comical statues, sure that Buffy’s eyes are searching out the same path. “Ya know what would be really cool?” A breezy thought crossing my mind in an attempt at lightening the air.

I switch my gaze back to her and I was right. Her own eyes stuck fast on her stuck fast friends. “Nah-uh… what would be cool?”

“We call Hal back, wish for everyone to be naked, and then switch the power back on. Man, imagine their faces B… funny as hell.”

And she laughs. Kinda shakes her head and rolls her eyes too. But she does laugh.

“You don’t think we should take the wish thing more serious?”

Why?

“I dunno… what ya thinking?”

Memories resurfacing again as I watch emotion cross her face. Her eyes that can tear in an instant, hurt and pain that she usually manages to keep pretty well hidden. And I really am an idiot if I don’t know what she would wish for. Her best dream. Her worst dream. I know what she wants.

“I was… if you don’t mind, maybe…”

Shocked by the fact that she still has insecurities, that she could ever still think that I don’t want the same things as her. “B… I know.”

Loving it as her eyes come back to me. Not teary, not sad. But alive. Alight.

“You mean… you think we can ask for that?”

“She said anything. Why not vacation time?”

“Oh wow. We could go anywhere…”

“Do anything…”

“Oh my god. I’m getting a vacation.”

Did I say alight? I meant popping from her skull! My smile being squeezed out of me as she wraps her hold so tight around my body. Not caressing or sexy, just damn hard, full of the joy. The good stuff.

“Easy B, squeeze any tighter and you’ll need a new vacation buddy.”

But I’ve lost her. My ears awash with crazy chatter, insane banter. What to take, what to wear, where to go, beach or ski, hotel or villa, aeroplane or boat…

Her mind may be able to take the onslaught, but mine is fading fast. Only caring that she can have what she wants. That life can get to be this perfect.

“…and I haven’t ever had a chance to wear that bikini! Oh god, I have these sandals as well… definitely beach. I think beach. You think beach?”

I think bikini. I think yes.

“Whatever you want B… whatever you want.”

Sliding a little of the sexy that I have kept hidden all day into my words now. My fingers wanting to remember how her flesh feels under the green of her dress. Wondering if I could rip it from her as easy as my own dress ripped. Fuelled by her happiness, urged on by my own. And gasping as she squeezes me tight again. As her mouth crashes against mine and quietens all of my thoughts.

“I love you Faith…”

Whispered as she pulls back from me, as her forehead comes to rest against my own.

“I love you too B.”

“Shall we call her back?”

“Yeah. Although…” I can feel another thought forming. Arriving unbidden. Like a flash of inspiration. “…lets go play with the statues first, best pose wins?”

“That’s mean!”

“Yeah. You in?”

And I know that she will be. Sometimes liking to pretend that she still has that sharp stick wedged up her ass, but we both know I yanked that out a long while ago. She loves finding the fun. She instigates finding fun. Playing it coy now though…

“What would we do to them exactly..?”

“Nothing bad. Not bad bad. Just, ya know… posing and stuff.”

“Can we even do that? Is it okay to move them?”

“One way to find out.”

I let her fingers find mine and then pull her out of the shadows. For some reason sneaking even though there is no one to see us. All lost in their frozen thoughts. Eyes fixed and unmoving.

“This is kinda creepy… I don’t know…”

“Stop being a wuss. Pass me Anya…”

Cos I have Xander and I wanna have fun. Yeah it’s a little creepy, manoeuvring my friends like mannequins is a whole lot of weird… but it’s a whole lot of the good times too. They’ll be totally freaked when time starts passing again and the bride has her hands wedged firmly inside Xander’s pants. And the witches should be scared too. I have heaps of embarrassment to pay them back for. All the times they’ve caught me and B in the sexual situations…

We finish with the first happy couple and move onto the next. Laying Red down gently on the floor, making sure she doesn’t hit her head. Pondering our next move.

“So where shall I put Tara?”

“I dunno B, you’re creative… what do you reckon?”

I stand back and admire as she places Tara straddling her girlfriend. As she raises her arms above her head in a victorious gesture of having conquered. And I like it. It’s cute.

“Who next?”

“I say Dawnie.” Making me laugh at her lack of hesitation. At her finding of the fun.

“You enjoying yourself?”

“If I said yes, would I be bad?”

“Only as bad as me.”

I wink to confirm it. Grabbing her hand to drag her inside, hunting down our next prey. Laughing hard as we walk through the kitchen, as we catch sight of Dawn sitting on the couch next to Andrew, as the same plan formulates in each of our evil little minds…

“Do they look like they wanna be kissing to you, B?”

Knowing that we would kill anyone that actually ever tried to really kiss our little Dawn, but also knowing the weeks of torturous joy we can get from modelling the scene in exactly that way. Priceless.

“I think so. I definitely think so.”

Her smile matching mine as we slide them closer together, as we make their lips meet. And really it’s too fucking funny! Not knowing which of them will be more disgusted when they come round. Dawn for kissing Andrew, or him for kissing a girl. I can not wait.

“Is that it?”

“Hell no!” She turns and catches my eye with a shrug, looking around her at the otherwise empty room. “Cordy?”

My word bringing the biggest smirk yet to her lips.

“Oh god. THIS is going to be perfect! Queen Cordelia at my mercy…”

“Nothing too mean B, she’s…”

I go to say that she is going through a lot. I go to say that she isn’t happy. I go to say a lot of things that never make it past my lips.

“She’s what?”

But my words have been stopped by the thoughts that seek to cram my mind. The memory of her pain. How much it hurts me.

“Faith..? You okay?”

“I… shit.” My eyes searching the empty space now. Seeing the two that are missing.

And seeing Buffy’s confusion.

Somehow this feels right though, somehow I know that my thoughts are leading me in the right direction. My hand reaching out to B to urge her into taking my lead. To follow me where my senses are dictating that I go. Not knowing how I know, but absolutely sure of who I will find out on the porch. Feeling the sadness already sinking through my skin, aching in my bones. Opening the door on a scene which sits exactly the way that destiny dictates. Which is everything other than sweet.

Which hurts me again to see.

I let go of Buffy’s hand to circle them. Angel leaning up against a post, arms crossed in a pose of brooding defensiveness, and Cordy below him. Sat forlornly alone on the step. Her head tilted to look up at him. The message in her eyes not dulled by the freezing of time. Not hidden behind the mask of unshed tears.

“Ouch.”

Buffy’s simple word capturing everything that is on show. Somehow pleasing me that I don’t need to explain it. That she understands what she sees. Maybe remembering herself how painful love can be when it isn’t spoken. When it can’t be spoken.

And I have to say it. Believe me, I do not want to say it. Parts of me screaming inside that I have no right to say it. To seek to take from her everything that I want to give to her. But I have to say it. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say it.

“Buffy?” Drawing her eyes from the tragic scene to listen to my tragic words. “You still want that vacation..?”

First the smile. Then the nod. Then the pause. And then the realisation.

“Faith.”

Just my name whispered from her lips as she sinks down. Her green dress billowing around her like a deflated parachute. Nothing cushioning her fall back to reality.

“Do you hate me?”

Words I speak as I kneel beside her, no longer caring about the fabric of my dress, about the fabric of destiny. Just caring what she thinks. How she feels.

“Do you want a one word answer?”

“As many words as you need.”

But she isn’t speaking. She’s looking at me with tears in her eyes. Breaking her gaze to look over at them again. Eventually breaking the silence with a question I hadn’t yet considered…

“What exactly would we wish for… what can we do?”

“I dunno. I haven’t thought that far ahead.”

“I guess… it has to be the curse. We have to ask them to lift his curse.”

And that makes sense.

“You think they’ll do it Faith?”

“Halfrek said anything, I don’t see why they wouldn’t.”

“Yeah.”

She sighs as she says it, her silent nod confirming my reasoning. It’s not too much to ask. He deserves it. Both of them deserve it.

A pain in my heart as I allow that to mean more than what Buffy deserves. What I maybe deserve. The idea of a vacation paling beside the idea of helping our friends.

“You ready to call back Hallie?”

“I guess.”

Cos nothing really seems like finding the fun anymore. It’s like I know I’m doing the right thing, the only thing, but I know exactly what I’m sacrificing too. Peace. Comfort. All of the things that Buffy speaks about. All of the dreams that she longed to come true. And it fucking sucks.

I watch her as she pulls herself up from the ground, as she takes another lingering look at the friends frozen before us. As her shoulders steel and her head nods. Accepting the way things ought to be. The way that destiny should be sweetened.

“Okay Hal… you can, uh… come back now?”

But even that not hiding the sorrow in her voice. The giving up of her dreams.

I want to ask if she’s alright. If she is okay with this. But of course I don’t get the time. Just a second ago we had all the time in the world and now we have none. Hal stood before us in an instant, her eyes taking in the scene, her head nodding, her mouth opening.

“I take it you’re ready..?”

“As ready as we’ll ever be.”

I lift myself up as I say it, determined to be by Buffy’s side as we speak our request. Wondering by the look in Hal’s eyes if she doesn’t already know.

“What do you wish for?”

Just like that. My hand sliding down to find B, sighing as she grabs hard, not sure who’s really applying the pressure.

“Angel.” Surprised as she clears her throat and speaks before me. “We want his curse lifted. You said we could ask for anything, that we had a debt to be repaid… well that’s it. That’s what we want. Lift Angel’s curse. Let him have love.”

My pride surging as fast as my heart is sinking. Buoyed by her strength, yet drowning in her sorrow. It’s crap being a super hero. Being a source of good.

“As you wish.”

I expect a flash. A boom. Anything to show us that this is even real. But there is nothing. Just her words spoken into the silence. The smile that graces her face as she turns her eyes back to us.

“I know you won’t know this, I know you will likely not believe it, but you made the right choice. You done what the Powers themselves could never do alone.”

And I’m really not caring.

“They really were right about you. Thank you.” Her words meant to make us feel good.

“Maybe we could have another wish… you know, another slice of gratitude?”

“I truly am sorry Buffy… but like I said, this is all highly unusual as it is.”

No one seeks to break the silence that hangs heavy around us now. Not sure what else is left to be said. If there is anything.

“Are you ready? Shall I wake your friends?”

And I clench B’s hand just a little bit tighter. Not saying anything.

“Oh come on girls! Less with the morbid… you did good. You did the right thing.”

Then why does it feel like I just screwed up the happy ending?

“You’ll see. You don’t see now, but you’ll see.”

Whatever.

“Okay Hallie, we’re ready. Do whatever you need to do.”

And now there is a flash. And a boom. And I’m stood beneath a tree in the garden, staring out at the fairy lights, hidden deep in the shadows. The world returned to the way it should be. Not a comical pose in sight.

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“Pinch me?”

Somehow finding a little chuckle as perky is forced into her tone.

“That was messed up B. I’m never going to another wedding. Never.”

Smiling as she finds her own chuckle, a little nod of agreement.

“I guess we should go talk to Angel. Share the good news.”

And this time I follow her lead. Passing amongst our friends to make our way to the porch. Fixing a smile to my face the closer that we get.

This is good. We made the right decision.

Yet nothing I tell myself can distract me from the truth. From knowing that I had waved goodbye to the dreams of my girlfriend. To my dreams.

And Cordy was right. Not everybody does get to have their dreams come true.

Chapter 47

POV Buffy

I hear the door as it opens softly behind me, not turning to give welcome, but standing completely still. Back turned. Determined to shield my sadness. My eyes staying fixed on the same branch, on the same tree, as it sways effortlessly in the breeze outside of my window.

I know that I should turn. The sounds of her breath in the stillness are urging me to turn. But I can’t. Not yet. I need this moment of silence. Not only to accustom myself to the loss of broken dreams, but most importantly, to remember the dream that I already possess. To be able to turn and face her with eyes which only hold the happy. That offer her everything she deserves for being the person that she is.

She is amazing.

More amazing than any act of craziness that happened here today. More amazing than anything.

Last night, I had felt so much emptiness without her sleeping at my side. The bed seeming ten times larger. The dreams seeming ten times harsher. They’re easy to take when her smile is what wakes me in the mornings, but to wake without her… god. Harsh isn’t even the word. It doesn’t come close.

And I never want to face another night without her.

It was all that I could think as I followed Anya down the aisle. Smiling as wide as anyone can when all encased in green, my eyes tracking the heads that turned until they had finally fallen upon her. The dose of perky instantly received. My step starting to bounce until I was sure that I was gonna skip down the aisle and overtake the bride.

I didn’t though. I offered her my shy smile. Feeling the knot of butterflies in my stomach that always gathers when I’m going to see her. No matter that we live together now, no matter that I see her everyday… still the feeling stays the same. Shyness, nerves, and then a need to touch. To talk. To just be in her presence. Her eyes not showing any nerves, just gliding down across my form, a wink which hinted at lewdness being tossed in my direction. And maybe I would have retaliated, would have given her a look of my own. But I was done for. Lost. My eyes enraptured by the way that her hair was piled so gracefully atop her head. Just a few tendrils escaping. Framing her face. Framing her smile.

It really wasn’t my fault that I froze. That Dawn piled into me from behind and caused me to stumble forward. That if I didn’t have the reactions of a slayer, then Anya would have probably met her groom to be, sliding on her ass. Nope. If you had seen the beauty that I had seen, you would be pretty darn frozen too.

And so I had ignored the little giggles behind me, Anya’s turn and tut in front of me, and just focused on reaching the end of the aisle. On getting closer to the girl that sends my head all ditzy.

Then came the dress. And then came the wow!

Cordy may be hard to take sometimes, but there is no doubting her ability to conquer the fashion. To be able to pick a piece of clothing and turn it into perfection. She did that today. Faith sat in front of me looking like the most perfect form of perfection I have ever seen. And don’t you just know that she had found some shyness of her own then. Sat beneath my awestruck gaze, her blush tinted cheeks had flushed even pinker. Maybe not used to being adored so openly, maybe not used to seeing my jaw stuck so firmly to the floor.

Speechless.

Even now, hours passed, and I can’t find the right words to describe just how delectable she looked. If Tara hadn’t found the strength to tug me forward into place, then I am sure that I would still be stood before her, looking dumbstruck. Not stood before her offering only my back. I’m getting there though. Listening to her movements behind me. Wondering at the words that she also can’t seem to find.

And maybe still being stood dumbstruck this morning would be a good thing. Believing that the day would yield only happiness. Not a clue that the day had so many secrets to be revealed. So many surprises in store.

I don’t like surprises. They catch you off guard. Fate waiting until you’re smiling, to hit you with a frown. And I don’t like fate either. Or destiny. I guess you could say that I’m not too happy with any of them.

I mean, the dreams… I’ve learnt to live with the dreams. Taking Faith’s advice to revel in the peace I found at bedtime instead of torturing myself with the knowledge that I would never have it when I awoke. I’ve almost gotten used to them. Expecting the same dreamscape whenever I seek rest. Knowing that come morning it will be her lips which kiss me awake, which bring me back to reality. Pushing aside all of the pain in my heart to feel the love in my heart.

And thank you Hallie for delivering so much more of the pain.

Me too stupid to believe Faith’s warnings. Not accepting that anything would swoop down to steal the joy from our perfect day. You’d think that I’d know better. That I would’ve learnt by now. But nope. I didn’t have a clue what was in store until Faith had rested my hands upon her stomach, had shared with me the uneasy feeling that was flooding fast through her system. Then I had felt it. The air prickling about me. The hairs standing to attention on the back of my neck.

“I’m not here to hurt anyone…”

That’s what she had said. Yet here I am, feeling hurt.

For those few moments, the moments when I still believed in happy endings, I don’t think that I have ever been happier. More excited. The thought of spending vacation time with Faith, the equivalent of hitting a double rollover lottery win. A win that lasted all of about ten minutes. Just the time it takes to realise that the destiny you are supposed to be sweetening, will always remain bitter. Will always hold you prisoner.

“You made the right choice… you did the right thing…”

More nuggets of highly useless information that Hallie had seen fit to serve. Not making me feel any better, just assuring me that the PTB really are sick bastards. They had to know… with the things they have shown to me, they had to know what I would desire, the one thing that I would be sure to wish for. But they never wanted that. We did the right thing. We gave our wish away.

I swallow down the little lump that rises in my throat, still banishing my tears, urging myself to grow a backbone. It’s crazy. I have so much to be thankful for… you’d think I’d get over these little pity parties I throw for myself. But honestly. It hurts. And no amount of slaps on the back, well dones, or thank yous, will ever stop that from hurting.

Not that we had been bowled over with thanks. Oh no. We had to be treated like idiots first. Eyes looking at us as if we had over indulged in the champagne, as if we’d popped off the planet and beamed back in from the land of the insane.

“Okay… call me crazy Faith, but what the hell are you talking about..?”

Cordy rising up from her step on the porch to question all of the things that had fallen from Faith’s lips.

“You’re telling me that time froze, the PTB popped down to grant you a wish… and…” Her voice dropping on the final part, not willing to believe. “…and Angel’s curse, it’s lifted?”

“Yeah. Cool, right?”

“Have you been drinking?”

Her eyes not trusting. Flitting between Faith and myself, even Angel, as if we had somehow got together and conspired to trick her.

“No, no drinking. I swear Cordy, it’s what happened. Can’t you have a vision or something, get some confirmation..?”

I had broken my gaze from Cordy’s surprise to centre instead on Angel. Still leant against the post, his eyes still brooding, his posture still defensive. And I knew that we had another non-believer. Someone else who accepts just how hard life really is. I wanted to shake him. I wanted him to look happy. I had just given away my wishes to give this gift to him and I wanted to see smiles.

“Angel?”

My voice not feeling strong, whispering to him as I crept into his space.

“What’s going on Buffy?”

“Good question. With a really long and really cryptic answer.”

“The curse is lifted?”

“Yes.”

Or not so long and cryptic when you boil it down to the bare bones. If you forget all about the weirdness that came with it. It still wasn’t enough to make him smile though, as if he still doubted us, as if it really was too hard to believe. It had prompted the group gathering, me and Faith ushering everybody into the front room to relay the things that they had missed. To try and explain the things that neither of us really understood. All talk of events that weren’t meant to have happened, battles that were never meant to have been fought. Dreams that would never be made true, the ones that would.

“This is extraordinary. Highly unusual…”

“We got that Giles, trust us we got that.” Faith being the one who took the lead with the telling. Whispering about evil’s deceit, how I was never supposed to come back, the stuff about the slayers…

“I don’t understand. What spell?”

“Ooops.”

Her mouth clamping shut as she remembered that the spell had been a secret. That we had never filled Giles in on the dilemma we had faced alone. There was no need to. We had already made the right decision. It didn’t stop his eyes from pinning her down then though, waiting for an overdue explanation to the spell that would’ve ended the slayer line, would have completely destroyed Willow.

And so I had stepped in. Finding my place at Faith’s side and covering her back. “The spell isn’t important Giles, it’s not what matters.”

“I beg to differ…”

“Don’t bother. It’s taken care of, we don’t need to talk about it now.”

My words firm and certain. Letting him know that my view wouldn’t change. After all, it wasn’t only Faith’s back I was covering, but also Willow’s. There was a reason that she didn’t want to share her secrets, and they are reasons that I still respect. She knows what she is capable of, Tara knows, and we know. That is enough.

“Excuse me, Buffy… but I have a question.”

“Yes Anya?”

I had imagined that she was about to ask about Halfrek. Maybe doubting our truth too.

“What I don’t understand, and I’ve been trying, believe me I have, is why you made that wish for Angel… it’s MY wedding day, and surely if there were wishes to be made, they should’ve been made for me!”

Yes. That is what she had said. Freezing the room in a disbelief even more pronounced than the moments before.

“Pardon me?”

Guessing that I had heard her wrong. That I was mistaken.

“The wish! Why didn’t you make a wish for me?!”

But I wasn’t. She really was pissed that our focus hadn’t been on her, that she wasn’t the total centre of our attention. And she’s lucky that she had Xander willing to tidy up her blunder, or her wedding day could’ve been ending in all sorts of pain. A pain to drown out the pain I was feeling. Am feeling.

“Hey honey, you got me! What else could you have wished for?”

Her eyes wandering, no doubt her thoughts doing the same. But then seeing sense, turning to him with all the radiance of a new blushing bride. Remembering that she already has her happy ending.

“Nothing Xander. I have everything I wished for.”

Sugary sweet smiles only lifting my bitter one. Not able to stop my words from slipping out. Sounding harsh amongst the happiness. “Well, aren’t you just the lucky ones.”

Seeing the shock thrown my way. Ignoring it. Seeing Faith’s eyebrows knot in concern on her forehead and offering a grin. A grimace. Offering something though. More than I’m offering now.

If I drag my focus from the solitary branch swaying before me, then I can catch her reflection in the window. Still so beautiful in that dress, still so amazing. Still staring at my back and waiting for me to turn.

Not pressuring me though. Allowing me to take my time in the silence. To think through the thoughts which I still need to think through. My gaze drifting away from her and back to the branch, back to earlier. The minutes that passed until it had been time for Angel and Cordy to leave. Nothing resolved. Their awkwardness obvious to everyone watching.

“Right. So… bye then.”

Probably feeling how closely they were being examined. All of us wondering what would happen next, whether the lifting of the curse was due to be confirmed.

“Yeah, see ya Angel.” Faith the one rising to see him to the door, turning and waiting for Cordy to leave too.

“We’ll talk soon, Faith.”

“Talk..? Thought you were done with the talking Cor?”

The colour rising to her cheeks, her eyes flying around us as she had edged her way out of the door.

“Go get him tiger!” Faith’s final farewell. That and the purr which had vibrated from her throat, her final act of torment before she pushed the door to closed.

“That was mean. Making fun.”

“Ease off Red, I’m allowed to make fun.”

“You are?”

“Sure I am. Now the sitch has lost the tragic, well… it’d be wrong to not make the fun.”

And Wills had smiled. Had laughed along with the rest of them. Speculation and jokes being tossed around about just how long Angel would have to wait to test out whether the curse really was lifted, whether they would make it back to LA, or whether they would pull over into a convenient and dimly lit side street. I think it struck a chord with Anya, reminding her where she should be, what she should be doing.

“Right! We’re leaving!”

“Right now?” Xander’s bowtie hanging limp around his neck, a last glass of champagne still clutched in his hand.

“Yes Xander. I already missed out on my wishes thanks to Buffy. I will NOT be missing out on my wedding night orgasms!”

Making me wonder if she will ever learn the value of the phrase; Too Much Information?

I doubt it.

Either way, that was them leaving. Taking Andrew with them, promising to drop him off by the roadside somewhere safe. And then Giles was gone, the room was cleared, and I took Dawn up the stairs to her bed. Not that she isn’t old enough to take herself, but I could see the need in her eyes. The need to talk. To get some things from her chest.

Waiting until the duvet was wrapped snug around her to say the things which she wanted to say. “So the wish… you could have asked for anything?”

“That’s what Halfrek said.”

My mind already assuming that Dawn had a list of goodies we should have wished for her. My heart not stupid enough to assume the same.

“So you could of…” Catching her pause. The deep breath. The eyes meeting mine with such sadness. Just a whisper. “…Mom?”

And please, take my pain and multiply it a million fold. A trillion. Heck, why stop there? Let’s just apply a vice grip to my heart and see how hard we can squeeze.

“Dawn…”

“Cos that would have been a good wish, right? And you could have done it… you could have at least asked…”

And how do you answer that one? How do you even begin to?

I hadn’t answered. I hadn’t known how to. Instead I had found my arms reaching around her, comforting the hurt that her sobs had held, trying to explain the crapped out reasoning of destiny. That Mom was at peace now, that she deserved her peace. That words could never ease a broken heart.

“Do you understand?”

Though how I could have expected her to, when I don’t have a clue, is beyond me.

“Yeah. Destiny sucks.”

“You got it.”

I held her for as long as she would let me. Pretending that I could fill the void she still ached to replace. Sighing right along with her when she eventually pulled away. Her nose turning up at her sisterly show of affection.

“I’m comforted Buffy. You can stop clinging now.”

Letting her play it that way. Anyway she wanted.

“I’m clingy. My bad.” Standing up to give her space. “You forgive me?”

And just waiting while her face changed through every thought that she was wanting to give voice to. The cocky teenage reply, the grieving daughter reply, and finally a smile. A shrug. “I guess so.”

“You guess so?”

“Yeah. If you let me go to the mall with Janice on Sunday, then I’ll make it a done deal?”

“You’re bartering with forgiveness?”

“Uh-huh. Is that bad?”

And I had smiled. “No, it’s fine. I’ll talk to Janice’s mom tomorrow, but provisionally… you can go.”

“Cool.”

“Now sleep.”

“Okay.” My hand rising automatically to switch out her lights, flicking back to on as her voice had softly risen up again. “Buffy..?”

“Now what?”

“I’m glad. About the wish… if you couldn’t, with mom. Then I’m glad.”

“About Angel?”

Because I wasn’t so sure that I wanted Dawn considering the question of whether Angel could get his happy going. I wanted to pretend that she didn’t know quite what a happy was just yet.

“No. About us. I’m glad you didn’t change anything… I like our life now. I like things the way that they are.”

Easing the vice grip on my heart. Not caring about her cool as I stepped forward to find another hug. Clinging as hard as I wanted to. “I like it too. I love it.”

And that is the truth.

Mom is where she is meant to be. And we are where we are meant to be.

I had expected that that was that. Closing the door on Dawn’s room and finding a path to my own. Only there was more. One more voice in my head to help me order my thoughts.

“Buffy… do you have a minute?”

“Tara. I thought you went to bed?”

“I did. I’m just waiting for Willow, she’s still downstairs with Faith.”

“Oh, right. What’s up?”

I’d let her join me on the path to my bedroom, inviting her inside, sitting down next to her on the bed.

“Nothing’s up, I just wanted to check on you. Are you doing okay?”

“Me? Sure I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Loading my voice with perky even though I know that she sees through all of that. She always has done. Possessing some innate gift that allows her to see all of the little things that most other people miss.

“I know how much it meant to you. I know what you gave up.”

See? Proof positive. She had just said it as though it was the most obvious thing to say. Seeing that I had pain, wanting to ease it.

“It’s nothing. What else could we do?”

Other than resurrect the dead or get cool things for Anya.

“Sweetie, this is me. You told me all about your dream, remember?”

And of course I had remembered. She was the first person who I had spoken to about the dream, the prelude to a conversation about the spell. The first time that I had thought maybe my fantasy could come true. And what is the deal with that?! All this carrot dangling, making me believe that it’s somewhere within reach, when all it will ever be is something that seeks to taunt me?

“You think I should’ve gone with wishing for a vacation?”

“No, I’m not saying that. I’m just saying I understand. I know it must hurt.”

“Is that what they call it?”

Letting her know that yes, she was right. There was something like hurt involved.

“So what made you wish for Angel, out of everything… why that?”

And I knew the answer to that one. I could keep my eyes steady on hers as I spoke the truth.

“Faith. I saw how much it meant to her… the love she felt, the pain at their lack of it. And you know Tara..?”

The movement of her head saying no.

“I felt it too. If you could have seen them… frozen like they were, looking like they were, the longing… the pain. It was the only thing we could ask for. The right thing.”

“Well, just so you know, I think it was an amazing thing.” Her blue eyes lighting up the dark of the hallway. Her voice so calm and comforting. “They’re lucky to have friends like you. Like Faith.”

“It’s nothing. Really. Angel would do the same for me and for Faith. I just hope he finds happiness… I hope it’s all worth it.”

“The way Cordy was looking..? I’m sure of it.”

And that made me smile again. Makes me smile now. Because if we have erased the sadness that I witnessed on the porch, then yes, it will have all been worth it. All of life’s sadness can be beaten back by happiness. Even mine.

A thought that I focus on as steady as my eyes are focused through the window. Missing the reflection of Faith until the moment that she moves, my eyes flitting fast to the changing of the shapes behind me. And I guess she’s had enough of waiting. Letting me wallow. Her breath falling heavy upon my neck as she moves in tight behind me, her arms going around my waist to hold me safe.

“You okay baby?” My voice sounding a little tired, a little hoarse from all the thinking.

“Yeah. It’s been a long day. I’m pretty beat.”

Her hands link in front of me, pulling me closer, her thumbs rubbing a soothing rhythm in circles on my tummy. “What about you B, are you okay?”

I’m getting there.

I don’t answer in words though. I catch her eyes in the window, I offer her the smile that I wanted to give. Letting her know it’s okay. That even a day like today cannot steal my happiness away. Not when I have her. Not when I have this.

For a long moment I let it be enough. Content just to study her reflection in front of me. Feeling her behind me. Listening to the steady beat of her heart.

“Do you think they’ll be happy… do you think they’ll find love?”

“Cordy and Angel?” I nod my yes, wait for her answer. “I think so. I hope so. They’ve been working so damn hard to keep it all hidden though, I dunno… maybe it’ll take a while…”

“Hey, I thought you voted for the dimly lit side street..? You changed your mind?”

Her body vibrates against mine as she chuckles. My eyes catching the rise and fall of her eyebrows, the smirk that settles upon her lips. “Nah, I didn’t mean it. It’s fun to mess with Red. She acts so frigid sometimes, when we all know she’s nothing but a horndog at heart.”

“She’s not the only one.”

And she chuckles again. Her hands sliding down from my stomach to rest on my hips, pulling my ass firm against her, hinting at the smallest of grinding rhythms. “You calling me a horndog B?”

“Maybe… definitely. You have a problem with that?”

“No. No problem. It is a little pot, kettle and black though, don’t ya think?”

But I don’t think. I just feel. Closing my eyes on the perfect mirrored reflection and letting the sensation of her touch fill my senses. The hot breath on my neck, the heated hands through my dress… and the sudden stoppage of touching…

“So you’re really okay, with everything today… you’re okay?”

And why are we back to that..? I was just getting past that.

“I was just about to get my okay.”

My hands insistent as they go to hers, returning them to their place on my hips, my ass nudging back against her groin. And I like this feeling, the way that the silk of her dress slides so easily across the silk of mine. A different friction than the rough denim of jeans, a more tantalising friction than her skin against my skin.

A friction that promises to make me forget about anything I have ever lost.

“You’ll be getting your okay B, no doubts about that… but first, seriously…” If only she would stop with the stopping! “…I know how much you wanted that wish…”

Nope. That’s it. My thoughts are now no longer wanting refuge in my pants! So much for horndog…

“Faith…” I take the moment as my cue to turn. Not willing to only catch her gaze as a reflection, wanting her to see for real how much I value the dream I already have. “…of course I’m okay. Sure, I admit, the thought of spending beach time with you was pretty damn thrilling… and yes, I am possibly slightly bummed that I won’t be modelling my never worn, barely there, yet highly fashionable bikini anytime soon… but so what? What’s a bikini when you weigh it up against the happiness of our friends?”

My stare stays solid. Showing the truth.

“Damn, you put it like that and maybe we did do it wrong.”

“Huh? We did?”

Did I miss something?

“Every time you say bikini, my libido says yes.”

“Bikini.”

“Yes.”

I can’t help the laughter, the little tinkle that falls from my lips. From my smile. “You’re an idiot.”

“A horndog…an idiot… my repertoire is building.” Her repertoire is pretty damn special if you ask me. She doesn’t though. She just keeps on doing what she does. Making me happy. Her hands set back to wandering as she recognises the validity of my smile. Cupping my ass through the silk, her eyes deep and sure as she pulls me in close again. “You wanna see some more of my skills B?”

“There’s more, is that even possible?”

My voice teasing her the whole time that her hands are rising, leaving the curve of my ass to follow the curve of my dress. Up to the top. Up to the zip. Her fingers fleeting above material to tease the skin of my neck. So sensitive to her touch. Goosebumps rising. “What do you think?”

I think? I think I won the double rollover lottery. I think I remembered that I’m so not passive. That my hands don’t need to be urged into demonstrating my thoughts. Oh no. They have curves of their own to be sliding against, the pattern of that perfect dress leading me up to the straps that sit on her shoulders.

“I think you should show me.”

Setting a tone of challenge in my voice. An invitation.

“There’s the most sense I’ve heard all day.”

There’s laughter there behind her words, but also seriousness. Her eyes fixed on mine as she does slide my zipper slowly down, exposing my back to the cool night air. Exposing my skin to her fingers.

Her gaze still strong as she traces the line of my spine, so gently, so softly… feeling the rough pads of her fingertips in barely there caresses. “You’re so beautiful. You know that B?”

“You make me feel beautiful.”

Speaking above the roar of my heart. The way her words make it pound so fiercely against my chest. She does make me feel beautiful, she makes me feel perfect.

She smiles in response to my words. Her head dipping to kiss the flesh she’s exposing, my dress sliding down over my shoulders and dropping to pool on the floor at my feet. And there is some more of that cool night air. More of the goosebumps as she stands back to see what she has done. The way I’m nearly naked.

And I can’t speak. Can’t move. Only sighing as her hands come up to release the clasp on my bra. More exposure. Her palms cupping my breasts, her thumbs sliding in mesmerising circles around my hardening nipples.

“This isn’t fair…” Fighting to speak. To point out the obvious lack of equality in our state of dress situation. “…you have clothes.”

Not stopping her actions, just making her murmur. Something unintelligible, her focus somewhere else. And they say that actions speak louder than words… well I can do actions. I’m not passive.

I’m aggressive.

My hands grabbing at hers and taking them from my skin, using surprise to clasp them behind her back, pulling her tight against me…

And holy wow! That dress that looks so nice, feels a whole lot better than nice when it’s sliding over aching nakedness. My body slammed with the shock of the sensation. Making me gasp. Making me understand why she wanted silk sheets…

Making me forget everything except the need to be with her.

And my girl is on the same page. No longer teasing me with touches so soft. Her hands hard and insistent as she turns me towards the bed, pushing me down and falling on top of me. Every inch of skin feeling the sensuality of the silk.

“You like that B?”

Her grinding motion remembered as she strikes up the friction again. Her lips sneaking to give me kisses, my lips open to return everything that she has to give. And I can’t stop to tell her yes. I can’t stop to tell her that as hot and horny as this feels, I’d like it a whole lot more if she lost the dress. My tongue is swirling hard against hers, my teeth straining to take nips each time she pulls away…

And where did she go..?!

I’m forced to open my eyes to find her. On her knees, straddling me, and lifting herself up to remove her dress. Only how do you shed something that fits as snugly as skin..?

It’s a question that becomes more valid with each second. Each heartbeat of time that she’s not touching my body. That I’m not touching hers.

“Baby..?” I bring myself up so I can use my hands to help. Finding the rip that was started in her struggle against Halfrek, and gripping the sides with both of my fists.

Let me do it Faith. I wanna unwrap my prize.

“Whoa… you know what Cordy will do if you rip that dress?”

And don’t pretend at fear Faith. I can see the excitement in your eyes.

“I think after today, she’ll forgive you anything.”

And I start to pull the edges, not too hard, just creating the smallest sound of a tear. Making the slit just a little more enticing, uncovering just a little more skin.

“I love this dress.”

She says it with the slightest pout and I think not to prolong her pain. Like pulling off a plaster. The faster you do it, the quicker the recovery. My eyes delighting as my hands complete the job. The shredding of the dress is complete and I feel like I just hit the lottery again. I will never lose my appreciation of this sight. This feeling.

“God, you’re perfect. Have I ever mentioned that you’re perfect?”

And I know that I have, but it’s a babble I can’t hold in as my eyes feast fast upon her skin. Her own eyes hinting at the pout on her lips. Not listening to my compliments.

“You ripped my dress.”

Awww.

I run my hands across the skin of her navel to help her forget. Tracing slowly the underside of her breasts, finding the redundant shoulder straps of the now ruined dress and easing them down over her arms. “You forgive me?”

Hoping she doesn’t need the mall on Sunday with Janice to make it all okay.

“I really loved that dress.”

My fingers racing down to trace the now exposed skin of her thighs. And I can feel her quivers, the silent shivers that she could never hide from me. But I’ll play her game. I’ll make it up to her.

“I’ll buy you a new dress baby, okay?”

Laying myself back down, looking up, fixing seductive in my eyes, in the smile on my face.

“It was a pretty expensive dress… probably one of a kind.”

“I’ll buy you a different dress then… any dress you want.”

My voice is dropping, starting to whisper, knowing that when I do, she will reach forward to hear me. She always does. Not disappointing me now. Biting my lips to stop the cry that wants to break free as her breasts tease touches against mine.

“Maybe I don’t want another dress.”

Her own voice dropping. My body straining to get closer. “What do you want Faith?”

Asking a question I already know the answer to. That I don’t need to hear spoken confirmation of. Her body pressing down onto mine, her thigh sliding sweet between my thighs…

“This.”

The last thing I’m sure of as her mouth claims my lips in affirming kisses. Every fibre of my being responding to the way that her skin is sliding against me. Building a sweat, the air no longer cool as it caresses my nakedness. It’s hot. The hotness of her breath on my neck, the hotness of her hands as they struggle to find a way between us. Breaking an insistent rhythm to finger the top of panties, to slip inside and touch the real source of my heat.

“Fuck B.”

And that sounds like a great idea. Her exclamation at my wetness sounding sweet to my ears. Sounding perfect. My legs spreading to give her the room, her fingers spreading to open me up. Soft touches, teasing touches. Hips rising. My requests being met.

Filled with Faith. With happiness. Her fingers sliding them both deep inside.

And I know that I’m clinging. My fingers wrapping hard as they seek to pull her further against me, wanting her to feel how deeply she touches me… “God Faith…”

Like a prayer. Repeating it into the stillness of the night, as her pace quickens, as my mind trips out. Seeing stars. The way that colours pinprick the darkness behind tightly closed eyes. God… over and over. Feeling the urgency in her touch. Hearing the need breathing out from between her lips. Teeth grazing my skin, a thumb grazing hard across my clit… God…

“Faith…”

And knowing when I’m done for. Muscles tightening hard around toes, firing fast up my thighs. Clenching. My heart hammering. Hands grabbing. Everything concentrating on the feeling inside. Fireworks. Explosions. Her teeth as they crash against mine, her mouth as it steals the last breath I have left…

Done for.

Just kissing. My body trying to still as the tremors still travel through each of my limbs. Her fingers still happy to twist slowly inside. Gently in, gentler out. Her lips soft as they urge my eyes to open. To witness the smirk that sits so satisfied on her face.

“Damn, I’m good.”

And she’s lucky that she stole my breath or I’d be answering that little gem with a word or two of my own. Or I wouldn’t. I don’t have an answer to the love in her eyes. Nothing other than the obvious.

“I love you Faith.”

Raising the smirk higher, inviting her eyebrows to join in the fun.

“Course ya do B. I just hit you with a damn fine dose of the happy, how could you not love me?”

Good question. “I couldn’t.”

And the smirk settles down into a smile, shifting her body, rolling from atop me to beside me. Her fingers creeping out to trace patterns in the wetness of my thighs.

“I still can’t believe you ripped my dress.”

“I did..? I don’t remember.”

Hoping to plead my ignorance behind a mind shattering orgasm. I shouldn’t be expected to remember anything. With the way that she touches me, I’m lucky to remember my name.

But no. She’s not that silly. Her eyebrows showing me the menacing dip now as she points her hand in the general direction of discarded silk. “Yes. You definitely did.”

“Well, maybe I just wanted to check out the goodies. It was your fault for keeping them covered.”

I punctuate my words by rolling onto my side, bringing my fingers up to graze across the tautness of her deliciously dark nipples. And is it wrong to want to have a Homer Simpson moment..? To let the drool pool from my lips as I whisper a vacant ‘Mmmmm… nipples…’

“Mmmmm…”

The sound rises from her throat and I have to wonder if she’s reading my thoughts. Though she’s probably just appreciating my touches. Finding a pinch between thumb and finger, lowering my head to offer her my lips.

And I can do this forever. Offering, having, taking, touching. Tasting the sweat of her skin salty against my lips, tracing patterns more intricate than any torn apart dress.

She shivers as my tongue dips inside her navel, my fingers making deft work of sneaking inside her panties. “Shit B…”

Such sweet sentiment.

Her voice hoarse the way I like it, bringing music to my ears. My lips descending to kiss away the last barrier of clothing that covers her skin. My tongue sliding between my fingers to wrap in the smooth folds of her pussy.

And did I mention done for?

This is more done for. This is the craziest feeling in the world. My fingers firm as they slip inside, my pulse racing as her hands wrap about my head. Pulling me closer, urging me harder.

“That’s it B…” Making prayers of her own. “…god, that’s it.”

And I give. Everything I am. My arm going across her navel now to hold her in place, the bucking of her hips matching the crashing of my fingers perfectly… but I need her still. My slayer strength demanding that she lay back, that she lets me fuck her exactly how I need to. How I want to. My lips dying to kiss her pussy with every ounce of passion I have ever owned. Wanting her to come that way. To lose herself in the rhythm of my tongue.

“Easy Faith. Easy…” Placating her with words as I slide my fingers from her body. Not giving her the time to protest before I lower my head back down. Tasting her properly. All of her open to me. Offered to me.

And I feast. And I taste. And I was wrong.

There is nothing bitter about my destiny. It is the sweetest taste I could ever have imagined. It’s the taste of Faith.

Chapter 48.

POV: Faith.

If you sit in the same seat long enough, then it eventually moulds to your ass. It learns the contours, the shape and the size, then it wraps you up and offers endless hours of comfort. Its arms always ready to provide support, the lever on the back always ready to provide the perfect angle to kick right back. Feet up. Heels resting in their familiar spot, head laid back against the cushion of leather.

And I think it's called the easy life. Everything that I have now.

Kinda crazy when you think how I tried to make it so hard. Everything about me designed to be bad, the lip gloss and leather, the nasty snarl on my face. I relished the nasty, I was gonna be the nastiest. And now I have the world's comfiest office chair and the worlds coolest office. Shit. Mention the fresh flowers, the family photos, and then you can see just how nasty I really turned out in the en d.

It's bad.

My hands as used to doing dishes now as they are to slaying demons. I flip a mean pancake. I bake a mean muffin. And you know what..?

I fucking love it. Every minute of it. Every flour dusted, cherry glazed, sugar coated second of it. Don't get me wrong, I still thrust and thrive on the energy of slaying the evil undead, but I've learnt to appreciate the other stuff now. I've learnt to treasure it. There was a time, not so long ago, that I didn't know how to appreciate anything at all. I wanted to call bum deal on my whole deck and start the hand again. Pissed when I couldn't. My scowl only deepening in juvie, my heart hardening to everything I assumed it was never meant to feel.

I believed in destiny and I knew my destiny.

Sure, I would've tried. I would've done my best to make the change. Hanging tight to Angel's coat tails, trying to fake my way through forgiveness. I would've done the whole bit, but none of it would've mattered. I was sure of my destiny back then. I'd screwed every slot and got screwed straight back. I never saw the happy ending. That's something that I never would've believed in. Never. Asked to guess and I would've said grisly death. Probably the result of a fucked up drinking session, one bottle too many, reactions shot to shit. I expect a part of me would have welcomed it. Back then I would've welcomed anything that felt like kindness. An end to a life that was doomed from the start.

Never in a million years, not in a fucking lifetime of millions, would I have guessed that I was destined to be a source of all good. Even now, with all of this around me, it seems like I stumbled and fell into another dimension. Someone else's life.

Me. Faith. The bad ass slayer. The skanky ho. The bitch with a death wish…

If I open my eyes, if I let them stray down to the boots on my feet, then I will see the same boots. Same style. Steel capped for effect. The feet that walk in them though, they have changed beyond recognition. I'm not that girl anymore. I wonder if I ever wanted to be that girl in the first place.

My heart says no, but then, my heart's not hardened anymore.

Another of destiny's freaky little mind melts. Me and Buffy Summers.

It's a thought that still brings smiles to my face. Maybe a smirk, a hint of the naughty. Fingers itching to remember her curves, blood racing, pulse pumping, toes curling in these steel capped boots as I think about the real source of my goodness. Buffy Summers and me. Damn right I'm smiling.

Sometimes, when I'm holding her, I dunno… just chilling, sometimes she gets this look in her eyes. And it's love. And I get that. I know how much she loves me. But more than that… full of awe. Of thanks. Words all scripted in whispers.

`I'm lucky I had you to save me Faith…'

And when she says that, when I see that look in her eyes… all I can do then is thank god, thank everyone, that I had her to save me. Life was nothing without her in it. Now it's everything. It's the fresh cut flowers that Tara keeps in the vase, it's the family snaps that adorn every surface. Giles' books piled high, Red's books piled higher. It's the perfect office chair that cradles my ass. The sign above the door with my name stencilled so sweetly next to hers.

Maybe easy life wasn't quite right. Perfect life sounds so much more like the truth.

It's the words I used to console Buffy after the wish. The days that followed. Never quite believing her that everything was peachy, everything was fine. No. I caught the extra pensive twirling of the stake, the way her eyes sat woeful, staring, fixed and vacant… a girl still dreaming of vacation.

It's gonna make all of this even better. Hal-f reak not the only one who can make a dream come true, not the only one who can sweeten destiny…

A thought fragmented by the ringing of the phone. The flashing light letting me know that it's Dawn on the other end. Sat at the front desk and too lazy assed to walk to the office. I ought to dock her wages. Allowance. Whatever it's called.

"What's up Dawn?"

My feet thumping on the floor as I move myself from slouching to sitting.

"I'm starving! How much longer do we have to be here?"

A look to the clock lets me know it's nearing six. She should be here by now. We should be out of here by now.

"Hang tight kiddo, not much longer."

I hope.

I hear her blow a disgruntled breath down the phone, a teenage sigh echoing in the empty reception. "It's SO not fair. I should be out there enjoying my young life, not cooped up in here, the victim of child slavery… do you know the punishment for child slav ery Faith..?"

"I'll shoot you a bonus, okay?"

"I'm starving!"

"And a pizza?"

Man. Kids are fucking hard. When we were setting up this deal, she begged to be a part of it. Pleading not to be left out `again', to be taught how to fight, how to slay, how to be a member of our bona- fide family business. I said that once she had fully mastered the art of the filing, I would maybe consider the fighting. It's not a deal that she loves.

"Extra large pizza, with extra toppings… and a shake. Super sized."

"You drive a hard bargain."

"Is that a yes?"

And I laugh a little at the victorious tone of her voice. So sure she has me beat. Wrapped around that cute little pinky of hers. Me so sure that she's probably right.

"Yeah. I'll shout for the pizza. But Dawn..?"

"What?"

"Keep the phone free. You want something, take a walk… you never know who's trying to call."

Because you don't.

I drop the phone back into its cradle and snatch another look at the clock. I can't cope if something's fucked up. This has to all go perfect. The execution of two months planning. Getting schedules sorted, funds in place, everything the way it's supposed to be.

Makes me wonder if I should phone through now. If I should play the helpless card and cut a call to LA. `Help me Angel, I'm getting nervous…'

Sounds kinda dumb though. Like I should learn to chill out. Everything is planned to perfection and everything is going to go fine. Angel said so and I trust him. Cordy said so and I trust her too.

They couldn't wait to help of course. Damn… they practically fell over themselves trying to help me out.

`Anything you need Faith, anything. Ever. Ever, ever… you just let me know…'

Cordy's gratitude flowing fast as soon as the awkwardness had been displaced. As soon as she had proved beyond all doubts that the curse was well and truly lifted. She gave Angel his happy, a whole weekend full of happiness, and his soul had stayed firmly in place. Eight weeks on and he's still all about the smiles. The words that he used longer and a little more weighted, but the sentiment was the same…

`You did this for me Faith. You took my eternity and made it bearable… you allowed me to be a man again, to have feelings… if there's anyway I can ever repay this debt…'

And hell yeah!! It's called ten days in Hawaii.

Not that I had asked them straight away. I had to think it through first. Tara my secret ally in a plan to make Buffy's smile permanent. Trying to figure out the logistics of taking the slayers out of Sunnydale. Leaving the hellmouth unguarded. In the end there had only been one way, the obvious way…

The light on the phone breaks through my thoughts again. Dawn too lazy to use her legs again. "Now what, you forgot how to walk..?"

"No!" Her voice all full of the righteous anger. "Maybe I shouldn't bother telling you that they're here… that you can go get your honey now and whisk her off to paradise. Jeez, you try and do something right around here…"

"Chill kiddo."

"And stop calling me kiddo! Do you ever think how embarrassing it's gonna be when you're still calling me kiddo at graduation?"

"Wicked embarrassing." I guess. "So she's here?"

"THEY are here." They are? Who are? "I'll send them through."

"Right… thanks."

And now I move the comfy chair back just a little. Straightening myself, straightening my shirt. Ready to look all professional to the `they' that are walking through the door.

"Faith!"

She yelps it as she throws herself in my direction. All that same energy, all that same enthusiasm. Maybe slightly less of the touchy feely.

"Ken… uh, hey. How's things?"

I try and pull her arms from round me as I speak, my eyes drifting up from my plight to catch sight of Fred lurking by the doorway. Bumbling with her glasses, with the blush that turns her cheeks bright red.

"Fred..? What the..?"

Cos she wasn't meant to be coming, right? No point in having some kooky math genius guarding the hellmouth. Some chick who's scared of her own shadow…

"I asked her to come Faith, you don't mind, do you?"

Oh… wait…

Angel's words from before sliding fast into my mind. How Fred was keeping Kennedy grounded. How they were hanging out, getting close…

"I dunno Ken, the office only has the one bed…" My sensuous smile now making her squirm, my eyebrows holding her hypnotized. "…and what if things get rough, can she handle herself?"

"Uh… Faith?"

I break my gaze from my prey to glance across to my former buddy. The crazy girl who had kept me company when no one else wan ted to remember my name.

"What's up Fred?"

"If something happens, I'll be okay, I'll be safe… Kennedy taught me some moves…"

Oh, I bet she did. Only I don't say it. I don't increase the blushes in the room. I just wink and say okay then. I throw my arm across her shoulder and ask how's things. And most importantly of all, I thank them both for helping me out. For taking time out of their lives to let me do this thing for Buffy.

And then I'm interrupted by the god damn blinking light on the phone. Again!

"Jesus Dawn, now what!?!"

"I rang ahead for pizza, I ordered Hawaiian, we're leaving in five!"

The tone cuts through as she cuts the connection. And how the heck do you like that..? Hanging up on me. It sucks. If I wasn't so firmly wrapped around her finger I'd probably be making a stab at pissed. I am though and I know it.

Plus her call makes me check the clock. Makes me realise the ti me. My goodbyes hastily given and Dawn hastily grabbed. Only waiting the seconds it takes to make the call. To set the wheels in motion.

`Hello..?'

`B, it's me. We've got a sitch, I'm coming home…'

`What's going on..? Faith..?'

`I can't explain now, it's too big, too fucked up… I'll be back soon. Throw some shit in a bag.'

On a mission to sweeten her destiny.

And boy had it been hard going.

I should've guessed really, I mean, it's not like she likes to do things the easy way is it? No. She had to make me sweat first, had to make me think that the whole damn deal was gonna go up in smoke…

"Faith, what the heck is going on..?!"

Her words thrust at me as soon as I had stepped through the door. Foot tapping, arms crossed. A whole world of pissed obvious in her pose.

"It's major shit B. Angel called, there's a demon problem… some mass spawning…"

Her eyes on ly hardening as I launched into my unsure spiel about some fantasy demon. "…he said he wants you to deal with it. Figures you're the best for the job…"

"Me..?"

"Uh-huh."

I held her stare as she gave me the once over. Determined to stay in character. To not reach forward and ease the frown lines from her face. Sighing inside as her arms had dropped, as she leant back against the sofa to await all the details that I had.

"He only just heard about it, some distress call came in and he got straight on the phone to me… he sounded pretty worried B."

"And he can't deal with it, why?"

Cos the sun shines fucking bright in Hawaii.

"LA needs him. He can't leave right now. I guess he figured cos there's two of us here…"

"Where is it?"

Ah. That was a sticky moment. Trying to keep the smile under wraps, trying to banish the brochures from my thoughts, the idyllic pictures of idyllic islands. I nstead glancing away as if I was wounded. As if the thought of her leaving me was too much to talk about.

"It's far."

"How far?"

Biting so hard on the inside of my lip. Tasting blood. Turning from her stare just to relieve the pain of pretending to be pissed. "You have to fly."

"Faith..?"

Remembering to hunch my shoulders. To drop my voice. "Hawaii."

And fuck me, it was difficult. The way she had echoed my word in that high pitched squeal of hers… `Hawaii..?'

"Yeah. I know it sucks… I hate that you have to go…"

"No. No way! I don't HAVE to go anywhere."

The vehemence in her voice making me turn back to face her. Seeing the arms crossed again, the way she was holding herself ramrod straight. Not bending. Making it harder for me.

"B, come on… someone has to go." But she just arched her eyebrow. Cocked her hip. Made me deal the death blow. "It's our job."

Because I knew that th ere was no running from that, and I knew that she knew it. It is our job. And now Angel is our boss, he can pretty much ask us to do what needs to be done. We help the helpless. There are no boundaries to helplessness.

"Are you coming?"

"No. Can't leave the hell mouth B, one of us has to stay."

"Why can't I stay?"

And I had thought about that one. Why would Angel choose B over me? "Dunno, I guess he doesn't trust me enough. Maybe he's worried I'll go surfing instead of slaying."

"Maybe he's an ass."

Again I'd had to bite down hard. Her solemn expression killing me just as much as her jibes at Angel. He's an ass? He's my fucking hero.

I'd pulled it off though. Stayed sensible long enough to convince her that this was all real. That there really was some big kahuna demon who was spawning just off the coast of Hawaii. Thousands of little demonic tadpoles waiting to feed on the locals if she co uldn't get there and stop it.

It appealed to the super hero in her. The part that makes us strive to do the right thing even though we want to do the exact opposite. Her stance losing challenging to embrace acceptance. Wanting details, logistics…

"When do I go?"

"As soon as possible. Angel has a plane waiting at the airstrip… is your bag ready?"

"My own plane?"

And yeah. That appealed to a different part of her.

"Your own plane."

Easing her burden. Lifting her shoulders a little.

"Cooool."

Maybe a lot.

The house coming alive as everyone else had stepped up to play their part. Tara and Willow gathering around. Dawn taking dramatic to the limit, almost blowing it for me.

"Oh my god! You have to go… but… how will we cope, without you…"

The whole time shoving that thin based Hawaiian into her mouth and buzzing from the excitement of knowing a secret her sister had no cl ue to. A Cheshire cat grin splitting her cheeks, cheese flying from her lips as she attempted to pretend she was blubbering out her sadness.

And I had done the only thing I could. Stepping up close and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Really freaking tight around her shoulders. "Come on Dawnie, it'll be okay. I'm here to look after you."

"Right Dawn, she is. And I'll only be gone one night, maybe two. You'll be okay… yeah?"

And I had gripped even tighter.

Do not blow it Dawn. Do not blow it.

"I…uh… uh-huh."

It had been tempting to reach up and grab her ponytail. Force her head into a frantic gesture of compliance. I could see the wavering in Buffy's eyes. Worried about Dawn. Worried about leaving her.

"She'll be fine B, I promise. Now come on, you have to get going."

"I have to get going? I'm driving myself?"

It was the second minefield. Another slip up that nearly cost me.

" No sweetie, I'm driving you."

Such a sweet girl that Tara. Always there to help.

"You..? You know about this?"

It had sent manic glances flying for a moment. Tara freezing in front of her, me silently screaming behind her. And Red wading in to try and make it better. Only succeeding in sending it skitting somewhere close to disaster.

"Yes! Err, Cordy just rang… a vision… you have to hurry…"

Admittedly she was trying her best. Flapping her arms all around, brainless banter speeding from her lips. I wanted to duck and take cover. I could see the signs of suspicion… Buffy's eyebrows as they began to dip in the centre of her head…

"Wills, what's going on..?"

Not even asking me. Fixing her stare on Red and waiting expectantly.

"I… we… Tara?"

Her mouth pointing out in a pout. Turning to face our blonde witch.

And I was sure that was it. Really it. Busted. Shot down in flames.

"It's just like Willow said, Buffy. Cordelia rang, she told us she had a vision and you need to get going straight away. It sounded urgent…"

"It sounds fishy."

A seafood supreme. I'd known then that I had to play the only hand I had left. Calling in the big guns. My pocket ace.

"Give Angel a call. If you really think I'd lie to you, then call the boss. You do have trust in him, right..?"

Calling on all of my memories of hurt. Remembering the role to play. Slumping my shoulders down, masquerading as the girl I used to be.

"Faith…"

"No, it's cool B." Pulling the cell phone from my pocket, tossing it in her direction. "I get it."

And I didn't like doing it. Didn't want to put any sadness in her eyes, but what else could I do? This is important. Worth the few extra ounces of hurting, just to get to the point where I can give her a whole world of happiness. Concentrating that thought into my eyes… begging her to trust me…

"I don't need to call Angel. I trust you."

Superb!

Not needing to pretend at the smile which lit my face up then. Papering over any inconsistencies in our story with an embrace of goodbye. Carrying her bag for her, pulling her in close as she went to get in the car.

"I'm gonna miss you B."

My hands drifting down to nestle her ass, my cheek sliding across hers as I had whispered my sorrowful farewell. Clinging as hard as she had. Anything to stop the victorious chuckle from rising up out of my throat.

I got her. I got her good.

Unable to stop the giddiness of that feeling as she had driven out of sight, punching the air, hollering a cry of success.

"Are you gonna spend all night out there, displaying on the sidewalk, or are you gonna get a move on..?"

And I had displayed for a few minutes more. Capturing Red in my happiness, spinning her round. Slapping Dawn's hand with a neat high five…

"Is everything ready, are we good to go..?"

"Check! I packed Buffy's bag, ten days of beach wear. I don't even think she noticed anything was missing."

"Nice one. Red..?"

"All set to go. Tara's gonna get Buffy settled on the plane and then we stow you away. Though…" I had awaited her question, already known the answer. "…are you sure she won't see you?"

"Absolutely. She's got tons of fake files on a fake demon to read, and I'm gonna be sitting up front with the pilot… Angel's briefed the guys the other end. It's all taken care of."

"And you're just gonna surprise her… at the hotel?"

"Sure." I had thought again then of the brochures. The Four Seasons resort in Lanai. There was no way that Buffy was gonna believe the bullshit after seeing where she was staying. That was gonna be my moment. I explained it all to Red, laid out the final parts to my plan.

"Yikes. This is all so romantic, you do know that?"

"Just trying to make the girl happy."

And then she had explained it all to me. "You already did that Faith. This IS romantic, a whole heap of romantic, just suck it up and accept it."

So I did. Smiling again. Whooping again. My excitement threatening to boil over the whole time that I was heading to the airstrip. Waiting on Tara's signal and creeping my way into the cockpit. Not able to speak. Barely breathing the entire journey. Knowing that she was sat so close to me, that I could give it all up, there and then, and be at her side.

But I didn't.

I worked too hard to get this all right. I spent too many weeks rehearsing my line. Practising my moment.

Swallowing down my nerves now as I speak to the bell boy. Sitting with the bags and shooting shit. Waiting on the call that I know is gonna come any moment.

And here it is . I guess she found her room.

"Hello?"

"Faith, it's me. You are not gonna believe this!"

"What's up, you there yet?"

"I think there's been a mix up… you should see this place, it's crazy. The room, god… it's huge! And the balcony… I'm on the balcony right now Faith and let me tell you, the stars in Hawaii are way better than the stars in California…"

"I think they're the same stars."

"No way. You need to see these, they're…"

Shiny?

Only I know what she means. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't cast my own glance up over the sky outside. But that's not why she's here. She's here on a mission.

"So what about the demon, have you made a start on that yet?"

"That's the other thing Faith. The files on the demon read more like a travel brochure than a write up on something mean and nasty, just listen to this…"

I cover my snigger as she rustles some papers at her end. My eyes wand ering back to the bell boy and giving him a wink, a signal to say that we'd be moving in just a few. That he wouldn't have to stand idle with my bags for too much longer. My attention drifting back to the phone as she begins to read her file notes to me. But then I don't really need to listen. After all, it was me that wrote them.

"…Lana'i is home to one of the largest schools of spinner dolphins in Hawaii, and from December to April it is also the calving and breeding grounds for hundreds of migrating humpback whales. Also popular with spawning demons. Watch out for the tentacles…"

"Sounds treacherous."

"No Faith, it sounds ridiculous. And fishy."

"Fish have tentacles? I thought that was an octopus thing."

"Faith."

Her voice gets stern and I can just imagine the look on her face. Not caring about stars anymore, just wondering what the hell is happening.

"Yeah..?"

And I feel the moment coming closer. The smile already starting to raise my lips.

"What's going on?"

"What do ya mean?"

"I'm standing on the balcony in the swankiest hotel room I have ever seen, looking at stars and hearing the ocean… what's going on?"

My cue to get moving. Urging the bellboy to wheel the cases behind me as I head to the elevator, speaking my last line into the phone. The last lie.

"No idea B. I'll tell ya what, give me a few and I'll call Angel, see if he can't sort this out."

"And then you'll call me back?"

"Of course. Just sit tight. Enjoy the view or something."

"Cute."

"I try. I'll speak to you in a minute, okay?"

"Okay. Bye."

I listen as she cuts the call. Imagining her face as I ride the elevator the short journey up to the second floor. My feet sinking into the plush carpeting that leads me to her door. The Prime Ocean Front suite. Only the best for my girl.

Only the deepest of nerves for me. This is it. My hand shaking as I lift it to knock. My mouth incomprehensively dry.

"Who is it..?"

And her voice. So suspicious as she shouts through the door. Making me nudge the ever suffering bellboy, convincing him to play along with my smile.

"Room service ma'am, your complimentary champagne and hamper are here."

"Oh… okay. Just give me a minute."

I offer him my thanks and gladly accept the bags from the trolley. Ushering him away now. Just standing and awaiting entry. Trying to strike a pose as the door starts to open before me…

Seeing as her eyes do the double take, as her mouth drops even further open than when I had worn that dress to Anya's wedding.

"Hey B."

And what else can I say?

She's not saying anything. Still stood frozen in shock. Mouth moving now but no sound coming out. Makes me think I should take the initiative, should somehow get this party moving.

"Can I come in?"

"Huh..? Yeah… come in."

She pulls the door wide open to let me get through with the bags. Stepping to the side so I have somewhere to put them. And fuck me, what a room. None of the brochures did this justice, no picture came close to how amazing this looks.

"Holy shit."

And then some. My mouth gaping now as I walk through to the balcony, almost forgetting that I need to do some explaining first. That Buffy still has no clue as to what's going on.

I'm reminded by the harshness of her voice though. Cutting through my exploration of a sky that's shining with more stars than I have ever seen anywhere ever. No city lights to dampen the brightness, nothing but the waves to break the sound of tranquillity…

"You want to tell me what's going on now?"

"Sweet view B."

"I don't care about the view, just tell me what's going on… what are you doing here?" < BR>"You forgot something."

She really did. And I know this because it's bulging a soft lump inside of my jacket. Maybe the whole reason behind me bringing her here. Wanting to show her how much I care, how much I love her. Wanting her to have everything that she needs.

"I forgot something?"

"Sure ya did."

I pat the lump affectionately, in line with my heart, my eyes already drifting over her body, over the curves which lay hidden beneath clothes.

"What is it?"

And her confusion is so god damn adorable. Her voice dropping any tone other than curious, her face screwing up into all sorts of bewildered expressions.

It's beautiful. A beauty that doesn't decrease as I slide my hand inside of my jacket, reaching into my pocket and producing my prize. As good a reason as any to hoodwink my girl into taking an unexpected surprise vacation.

"My bikini?"

"Damn right your bikini."

"You followed me to Hawaii to deliver my bikini, even though I'm only supposed to be here to fight a spawning sea demon with…" She drops my gaze to glance down at the file still held in her hand. Quoting my own words to me. "…orange spotted tentacles."

"Yep."

I hold my hand up in the distance between us, offering the barely there bikini that she had been so desperate to wear. That I had been so desperate to see. "You wanna go get changed?"

And I know she's gonna beat me if I don't explain things soon, but this is so good. Just how I imagined it would be. Her stood before me looking lost, and me knowing that any minute now she is gonna be screaming out in ecstasy.

For the moment though she just looks un-amused. Reaching out and taking the bikini, tossing it to the side, slapping me with the Buffy stare. "Last chance, what's going on?"

"Last chance? Sounds dangerous."

Looks dangerous too.

"Faith."

"Okay, okay… I'll fess up."

Because I like my limbs in the position they're in. No remodelling needed.

I wait till she bridges the gap that keeps us apart, joining me in resting back against the balcony, a warm breeze blowing in from the ocean. Not a tentacled demon in sight.

"I guess you've figured out that there's no demon problem to fix?"

"I was starting to wonder."

"Right. Well, there's not. I decided, we decided, that you needed some time off."

"Huh? Who's we?"

Everyone.

I lift my ass up a little to perch up on the railing. Swinging my feet. Relaxing now that I can tell her the truth. Two months of planning finally paying off.

"All of us. It was my idea, I asked Angel, but he made it all happen. Got some friend who owed him a favour to sort out this place… the plane, it was mostly him really…"

I can see that she's still not quite there. She hasn 't figured out why she's here yet.

"But the hellmouth, who's guarding the hellmouth? Oh god, Dawn…"

"Kennedy. And Fred. It's all covered B. Nothing to worry about."

"Right… nothing to worry about." She starts a little pace now in front of me, three tiny steps forward, stop, spin, turn, and three tiny steps back. The deep green of her eyes piercing me in the moonlight. So serious. So beautiful. "What's going on?"

Her voice just a whisper above the crashing of the waves. And I have to tell her. Have to let her know how perfect this life is.

"Vacation."

Just one word. Eight little letters which join together to give her the thing that she dreams of the most. Her eyes narrowing, flying wide. Her hand rising up to cover her mouth as it gapes out her shock.

"Surprise..?"

I don't know what else to say. I've rendered her dumbstruck. She's not moving. Standing dead still as the tears form in her eyes.

"Buffy?"

Have I broken her..? I start to wonder as she continues to just stand and stare. Movement eventually coming in the form of a shaking head. Backwards and forwards. And I can't leave her standing so unsure. My perch forgotten as I slide down to join her, my arms sliding into their favourite place, holding her tight against me.

"It's the truth B, I promise you. This… all of this, it's for you. There is no demon, never was any demon, I just… I needed a way to surprise you."

She doesn't speak. Doesn't move.

My head pulling back so as I can see her. Witnessing as her tears break free, sliding a path down her cheeks. Making me lift my thumb to trace them, to wipe them away.

"B, are you okay?"

Because this wasn't meant to be sad. I wasn't meant to make her cry.

I hold my breath as she squeezes her eyes tight, letting her fingers slip between mine to pull them from her face. Down b y our sides. The corners of her mouth raising just the slightest. A hint of a smile before she speaks.

"You did this for me?"

"Yeah… is it okay, do you like it..?"

"Do I like it?"

There's disbelief wrapped around her words. Her shiny eyes looking at me as if I am crazy. So I nod. I confirm my question.

"I don't think I can believe it…" Her gaze leaves me for a moment to take in the view. The stars shining down, the waves crashing against the rocks below us. "…are you sure this is real. Am I dreaming again?"

"It's real."

"Really, really, real?"

A chuckle accompanying my nod this time. "Yes B. It's really, really, REALLY, real. You girl, are on vacation."

"Shit."

Shit..?!

"You what?"

"Good shit. I mean… holy crap. I'm on vacation?"

"Yep."

And she's not hinting at a smile now, she's hitting me full on with a Buffy Summers special. The kind of smile that c ould make you fall in love. That made me fall in love.

"How long?"

"Ten days."

Her mouth forms a wow without sound. Maybe silent at the thought of ten days peace and quiet. Ten days where we have nothing to worry about except each other. Nothing to focus upon except each other.

"Ten days..? But how… this is crazy. How did you do this?"

With a little help from my friends.

"It was easy really. We all knew how much you wanted this, how much it meant to you…"

"But…"

"No buts, just listen. You deserved this, we got together to give you it. Angel paid for everything… he said it's a bonus for all the dollar we've raked in Sunnydale. Kennedy offered to play slayer in charge and the gang are gonna all pull together to take care of Dawn…"

"Just like that?"

"Yeah. Pretty much."

"Wow." Now she does speak it. Still shaking her head, caught somewhere in a disbelieving place. Probably still expecting the bad that always accompanies the good.

"Oh no!" And I guess she found it. "Clothes! I haven't got clothes!"

Oh man.

"Clothes?"

"Yes clothes! You never said I was going away for ten days! I have clothes for two. I have one pair of jeans. One pair of SHOES! This is a disaster!"

This is fucking hilarious.

"Don't forget the bikini B, I brought your bikini."

I pick it up and hand it to her, just to illustrate the point. "And hey, not like you're gonna be needing much else."

A little lewd wink. A suggestive raise of the eyebrow.

"Faith, this is serious. Can we focus please?"

I can try. My eyes focusing on all the places that they want to focus upon. That hint of naughty rising again as I think long and hard about all the things I want to do to those focused upon places.

"I'm focused."

"Did you see any shops, any place I can buy some clothes?"

We 're still on the clothes?

I tear my gaze away from her body to marvel instead at the look in her eyes. At the completely unique way her mind seems to function.

"I brought your clothes, you dope."

As if I'd really just bring the bikini. No way. Tara ordered that I bring clothes as well.

"You did?" I point to the two suitcases I was carrying when she opened the door on me, nod my head slowly up and down. "Oh… guess that explains the baggage then."

"That explains the baggage."

She casts her eyes over the cases, drags them back to me. Out towards the view again. Slowly back to me. Getting wider on each pass. Her smile growing ever bigger. "I can't believe it."

"Believe it B."

I know what's coming. I can see it building in her. I can feel it. The excitement as it encompasses her body from the face down. The way she's starting to bounce. "I'm on vacation?"

And how many times do I have to say it?

"Yes B! You. Are. On. Vacation." Each word spoken slowly. Each syllable broken down to send the message home.

"I'm on vacation?"

Oh god. I want to nudge her. Worried that she's a record stuck on repeat. That I've somehow scrambled her brain. I don't though. I keep my smile, I nod again. "Yeah."

And I cover my ears on the loudest god damn screech I have ever heard. Ever. Peeling out and echoing back on the cliffs that surround us. Loud enough to wake all of the dead in all of the worlds in every dimension.

Just waiting till she has finished. Laughing along with her exuberance. "I guess you're happy?"

"I guess you're right." And she laughs too. Taking my hand again and facing me out towards the sea. "I can't believe you did this… I can't believe I didn't know you were doing this. It's kinda sneaky."

"It was super sneaky B. I totally got you."

Making her giggle now. A carefree soun d. Her shoulders already relaxing. "Hey, I was suspicious… I knew something was up."

"No way! I got you good."

"You really think so?"

Her voice drops down below the crashing waves and I have to lean closer to hear her. Her body turning to face me, my arms reaching round to hold her.

"I know so." Affirming my statement with the gentlest of kisses. Just my lips meeting hers. No demands. No offerings. Just a simple kiss. Making her sigh against me, her hands lifting to tangle in my hair, to pull me a little closer.

"Now that you have me Faith…" Close enough to hear the words whispered enticingly into my ear. Close enough for her to stoke the fire which is always waiting to burn for her. "…what are you planning on doing with me?"

And there's a question. With only one obvious answer.

I start with the tease, the little pull back that brings her pout, darkening my eyes, deepening my intentions. Hands reaching out to pick up the bikini again…

"I was kinda hoping you might model this for me now." The brightest grin shooting her way, the cockiest of winks. "After all, it is the reason I hauled our asses down here…"

"You're incorrigible. You know that?"

In-what-able?

"I'm also highly fuckable, that has to count for something, right?"

She just shakes her head and recovers the distance I had put between us. Her lips refinding mine, her hands remembering how they like to play in my hair. Taking my breath away. Impressing me that she can still find words after a kiss that deep.

"You're highly and totally lovable Faith. Everything else pales beside that."

Impressing me with the words that she finds. Making me breathless again. Not needing to find my own words as she seeks to rekindle the kissing. Leading me backwards, into the room, towards a bed. Hands moving to remove my jacket, fingers sli ding under my shirt to rake patterns hard across my back…

Floating. Falling. The bed breaking my landing with the softest of mattress. And her. Buffy. Stood above me. Eyes smiling but dangerous. Pinning me to the bed.

"Looks like I got you now."

And I can barely talk when her voice finds that tone. Each one of my senses sent jangling. Knowing her intentions. My body clenching in anticipation of her touch, my mouth drying. Fighting to find the words. To play the game.

"Yeah… what you planning on doing with me?"

My eyes begging her to touch me. She has to know. Has to know how desperate I am for her, how much I need her…

"Everything Faith. Everything."

Just what I wanted to hear. The last thing I hear as she joins me on the bed. Not launching herself at me in a fit of franticness, but gently, easing herself down to cover me. Her gaze steady. Her smile sure. Ready to kiss. Ready to love.

And I have to say it. I waited so long to say it.

"Happy vacation B."

"The happiest."

I watch her as she nestles in those last few minutes of sleep. Her nose twitching. Her eyes scrunching just a little at the sudden invasion of light. And I couldn't help it. Opening the blinds so that the dawn breaking sun could shine steadily through. Illuminating her nakedness as it wraps around the sheets.

Every morning I've done this. From the first morning, to this, our last morning. Ten days which seemed to stretch before us, now suddenly passed so quick. And it's true what they say about time flying and having fun. I have never known time to pass so quickly and I have never had so much fun.

Buffy wasn't the only one who hadn't been big with vacations. This was my first one too. I never even thought about them before I was with her. Why would I..? A vacation to me meant the couple of days that went m issing when I was hanging out with the whisky. Not ten days of absolute heaven spent wholly with the person who I love more than anything.

I like it. I love it. I want yearly vacations. Maybe seasonal ones. Skiing in the winter. New England in the fall.

The sound of her stirring brings me back to here and now. Watching as her eyes drift open, as she looks to find me in my place by the window. The chair I always sit in. Waiting to hear the words she says every morning.

"Come back to bed?"

Almost hidden beneath her yawn. Her yawn almost hidden beneath her smile.

"Sure thing B."

My words the same as well. Every day has started like this. Me watching her sleep, watching her wake, and then her calling me back to bed. Time spent just being together. Nowhere to rush to. No one needing us. Silly words exchanged, silly thoughts. Dreams, aspirations. The kind of things that you can only ever tell to s omeone special. The person who shares your dreams.

"What day is it Faith?"

But I know she knows. "It's Monday. Home day."

"I knew you were gonna say that."

See? She knew.

"Do we really have to go home today..? Can't you ring Angel, tell him that a lifetime of smoogles is worth more than ten days?"

"I don't think he'll go for it, I can try though, if you really want me to?"

She lets out a husky morning laugh as I wrap myself around her and the sheets. Turning her body to face mine, her hands already helping me to remove the vest I had worn when watching her. "I don't think he'd go for it either. I'm definitely demanding more vacation next year though…"

"Me too." I cut her off with my words. "This has been awesome B, totally fucking awesome."

"There has been some awesome fucking."

"Language."

Her eyes leave mine as she tinkles another laugh, fixing her gaze on the finger that' s tickling it's way up my arm, across my shoulder, teasing it's way down to a breast. Circling a nipple. "Just telling the truth Faith."

Hmmm. I like her truth. My head arching back as I let out a soft moan, my body coming alive to each of her touches. My morning ritual ready to begin…

"What time do we have to go?"

Huh?

"B…"

I know I look disappointed, I feel it. My mind already travelling to the places it wanted to go, wanted to stay. We can talk schedules later. I want her now.

"What? I only asked."

And she knows what she is doing. Her smirk making it obvious, more of her laughter making it definite.

"We're leaving later. Much later. Now if you don't mind…"

"I do mind."

The hand that I am trying to urge back into action is suddenly pulled away. Her body rolling to lay on top of me, her lips soft as they push against me. "I have something to say first."

"Shit, you can't say it after?"

"There won't be anything to be after if you don't shut up and listen."

And her serious look chastens me. Kind of. My fingers still determined in their efforts, just stroking up her back, giving her a steady rhythm to talk to. "What's up?"

"Nothing's up. I just wanted to say thank you…"

"There are better ways to say thank you, if you just…" I find the base of her spine, tickling the dip that leads to her ass. Hands travelling down.

Grunting as she grabs at those hands, holds them firm in place either side of my head. "You never learn do ya? Listen for five minutes Faith, and then you get the goodies. Come on baby… I know you can do it."

Making me fake a pout of my own. "Okay. Five minutes. Time starts now."

"You're such an ass sometimes."

Yep.

"Time's wasting B…"

"Totally infuriating."

"Is this meant to be turning me on?"

And I'm lucky she lo ves me or she might just throttle me. She does love me though, so she smiles through my infuriating moment and waits for me to stop grinning my shit eating grin. "You're always turned on. And no, this isn't that."

"Okay."

"It's thank you. Seriously… thank you. You don't know what this meant to me."

Sure I do. It meant the same to me.

"Was it like you thought it would be, was it as good as the dreams?"

My question has her pausing, using up more talk time. Making me wait on an answer, starting to wonder if I didn't deliver. "It was better."

And thank fuck for that!

"You sure?"

"Absolutely. This was real. I have the postcards to prove it."

She leans down to kiss me, but now I turn my head. Delaying her course of action.

"And you're okay about going home, you're not bummed?"

"No. I can't wait to see Dawn and the others…"

Me either. You start to miss them when they're not ar ound. "…this was great, but home is home."

I couldn't have said it better.

"Also…"

I think it's a grimace that she's pulling as she thinks to speak again. A kind of pained sigh escaping her lips, a disbelieving shake of the head. "…I kind of…"

Yes..?

"What?"

"The slaying… I kind of miss the slaying"

No way!

"You miss slaying?"

"Just a little, not too much…"

"Bullshit!" And fuck me do I laugh. "You're totally itching to kick undead ass, admit it B… you can't wait to slay!"

And that's definitely something I never would have guessed. Buffy misses slaying. No matter that her head is shaking, that she's trying to downplay it now. She's busted.

"I'm kind of looking forward to it… but only in a protect the world kind of way."

"Buffy loves slaying… Buffy loves slaying…" Sing-songing it out. Tormenting her with my tunelessness.

"Quit it Faith, I'm warning you."

She pushes hard against me as she warns me. Her body tight against mine. Distracting my thoughts…. Almost. "Just admit you love it and I'll stop."

"I don't love slaying."

Her hips starting to grind. Reminding me what I love.

"Admit it." Trying to hold my body still. Not giving in to her.

"Okay! I kind of a little bit love the slaying. Happy now?"

And am I?

Most definitely. The part of me that loves the thrill of the chase, the thrill of the kill, delighting in her words. Ecstatic that my partner is feeling the vibe like I am. Arm itching to be holding wood, hands restless to be making dust.

"It's major cool! We're gonna be kicking some serious un-dead ass when we get home."

"You wanna pull an all nighter, hunt out some nests..?"

"Now you're really turning me on."

All that sexy talk. My blood racing. My hips matching hers as they hit that rhythm again. And this rea lly is perfect. Her learning to love the slaying, me learning to love the homemaking…

Something I want to say as her grinding becomes more purposeful. Laid out underneath her and everything bare. "I love you B"

"I know you do baby… now fuck me."

And forget thoughts of language, mock shock at her curse words. I'm too busy laughing at her face, her demands, losing myself to kisses. Our bodies twisting even further in the sheets as the sun rises high outside of our window. Starting the day the proper way.

And it's an easy life. It's a perfect life. It's my life.

Hard to believe. Yet the absolute truth. I have everything I have ever wanted. Everyone I have ever needed. And I know that she feels the same. It doesn't matter what destiny dictates. What fate demands. We did it our own way. We did it together. We made our happy ending.

The End